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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

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"...a very, very sick person." - She Who Will Be Obeyed

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Bad Money

  Sunday, February 29, 2004



A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

posted by Harvey at 11:58:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Remember to exercise care when leaving a tip after a candlelight dinner at a Mexican Restaurant. That Budweiser Superbowl commercial was a cautionary tale.

[CTRL+F "horse" for that link]

posted by Harvey at 11:56:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Ah Beal, the scourge of bloggers everywhere. Writer's block is tough, especially if you make a living off your keyboard, but Beal is far worse. It's blogger's block. The inability to come up with a single creative, witty, or insightful remark, no matter how provocative the material you read is. It's being stumped at a much more basic level, and it's a tragic disease.

Joey of Single White Male was afflicted with this malady recently, and posted the plaintive query:

I can't just be funny off the top of my head, so how do y'all suggest I get my funnyness goin?

The answers are simple, but they take a little discipline to use: attitude and equipment.

First - attitude. You should look at everything in your life as potential blog fodder. Every blog entry you read, every TV show you watch, every person you talk to, every trip to the store, and every book you read. Every activity holds the seed for humor. You just have to look at it from the right angle (usually cross-eyed with your tongue slightly protruding).

Sometimes natural events aren't inspiring enough. It that case, it's perfectly ok to actively seek out material. Personally, I like questions (see my 200 words or less series). There's hardly a question alive that can't be taken the wrong way and/or answered non-seriously. Actively seek to misinterpret a key word or two, and hilarity can be yours.

Good questions can be hard to find. However, there are entire books of questions that you can pick up used & cheap at Amazon.

Also making good blog fodder is this list of topics at the Topics Blog archives.

Now that you have the "everything's potentially funny" attitude, it's time to make sure your equipment is in order. Funny can strike at any moment, so you have to be prepared to capture it, lest it slip away into the aether and be picked up by some hilarious scavenger like Frank J. of IMAO, who appears to hold the keys to the legendary "universal vault of unused funny". Always be ready. Keep a pen and a pocket notebook (or at least a scrap of paper) with you at all times for jotting notes. Also be sure to keep writing materials next to your bed, as inspiration frequently strikes as one is nodding off to sleep.

Don't get caught up in the trap of thinking that you can only write when you're sitting in front of your computer. I keep a spiral notebook in the car with me for writing longhand, and do some of my best work that way. It's a little annoying to have to re-type everything I've written, but at least the difficult, creative part is out of the way. To make my life even easier in this regard, I
dropped a few dollars on a PDA and a portable keyboard. This system works great for me, because it's small enough and light enough to fit in my pockets. Set-up is about 10 seconds, so I can blog whenever & wherever (usually during my lunch hour). Unfortunately, I can't type while driving, so the spiral notebook still comes in handy. No, seriously. I wrote the intro to my now-
infamous top 10 list
while cruising down the highway. Trust me, you don't have to watch your hand while you write. Your fingers know what they're doing.

If the PDA/keyboard combo isn't for you, then consider a laptop computer. Old & slightly obsolete models can be obtained cheaply through eBay, and you might even be able to get one for free from a friend or relative who's recently upgraded.

In order to bring attitude and equipment together you need a little discipline. I personally have a goal of 2 original silly pieces a week in the form of Alliance assignments. A deadline does wonders for inspiration.

Finally a word about mood. Sometime you just don't *feel* funny. Brother, I hear ya. Sunday afternoons are primo writing times for me, and often I'll tell myself something like "I'll start on that Alliance assignment at 3pm sharp". Then around 2:45, all hell breaks loose in the house, and I have to manage some dog- or laundry-related crisis that puts me in a sour mood. How the hell
do I get from there to funny? Well, it's not easy, but sometimes I just have to force it. I'll sit down after things calm down, put my topic (in writing) in front of me and start contemplating until my mood swings back to the goofy end of the scale.

A word of warning. Take everything I've written above with a grain of salt. This is how I wrestle with Beal, and it might not work for you. If you want guarantees, buy a kitchen appliance. But it does work for me, and it probably can't hurt for you to give it a try

Beats having Beal, anyway.

posted by Harvey at 7:48:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Susie of Practical Penumbra answered my quaint, child-like questions about movies, and even posted a picture of a film splicer.

I don't care HOW weird this makes me, I think that splicer is one of the coolest devices I've ever seen. I'm madly in love with the design of it. LOOK at that thing. Every part is there for a purpose. No wasted space, no unnecessary features. I'm giddy with admiration for the engineering of it. It's one of the most purely functional things in existence.

I'll bet that if you set it next to an LTD catalog, there'd be a functional/anti-functional reaction big enough to create a black hole.

posted by Harvey at 7:10:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Frank J. of IMAO linked this list of wise sayings. Me? I'm stealing it whole from Across the Atlantic because it's just that good:

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Glock: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. Imagine that! Not even one!

14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.

15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

26. "...A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

It just gives me shivers, it does.

posted by Harvey at 7:01:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Mike the Marine lives a life-long dream by linking up the lyrics to the Refreshments song "Mekong".

I guarantee you'll laugh when you see which phrases got linked where.


posted by Harvey at 6:54:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm over at the Bartender's comment party, just lookin' for a little love...

(Create Your Own Lego Character courtesy of Blogbandit)

posted by Harvey at 2:37:35 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I grew up in a relatively tiny town - about 9000 people in it. But we had a movie theater within walking distance of my house. It was an old building, probably turn of the century, like most of the downtown. Near as I could tell it used to be a theatre, since it had steps going up to a stage just below where the screen was. There's not much to do in a dinky little town like that, so the weekly change of movies was a big event. I don't remember the first movie I ever saw there, but the first movie I remember seeing was "Jaws" back in '74. I was 8. I saw it with my brother who was 10. Back then, there was no PG-13 rating, only PG, so it was perfectly ok for pre-teens to watch people getting eaten by mechanical sharks.

The theater itself was grand and cavernous, with lush, blood-red fabric coating both the walls and the seats. Being inside the place was a little intimidating, because there was so much empty space over your head. Sometimes during a movie, I'd look up and back and see that flickering light and wonder briefly what the hell was going on up there. The thought would quickly pass, as a young boy's thoughts often do. Yet there always lingered the thread of a thought - "what strange magic takes place up there?"

I've still never found out. Never been in the projection room. Never even read a book on it. But I've wondered...

Now Susie tells the secrets.

I am 8 again, and I drink those secrets up with a young boy's passion for mystery.

Go find out what goes on in the projection booth.

posted by Harvey at 2:18:18 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


When I hear it, I usually just laugh, because you can't take anyone seriously who says it.

But what if you did?

What if you thought through all the implications, what it literally means, and what it means to be the kind of person who would actually say such a thing?

Well then, you'd get a post very much like this one from Ptah of Crusader War College. The language is strong, but it deserves to be, so I'm not cleaning it up. Here's a sample:

The point is this: If you're smart, you FUCKING KNOW OF WHAT YOU'RE ACCUSING US. If you're right about us, then congratulations, then not only you, but the whole damned world, are fucking DOOMED. If you're wrong about us, then congratulations, you've not only just insulted us, but you INTENDED TO INSULT US. And you know what? We KNOW THAT YOU INTENDED TO INSULT US. And not just any insult, mind you, but the granddaddy of all insults, in that you KNOWINGLY compared us to the greatest evil of the previous Millenium.

If we ever decide to act on that insult, we'd be justified in whatever we unleash on your sorry asses.

And if we don't, that's only because WE'RE REALLY BETTER THAN YOU ARE, you lying, moralistic pretenders.

Oh yes, there's more.

(hat tip to Emperor Darth Misha I)

posted by Harvey at 1:48:46 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Trey's got a list. This one just tickled me

2) I will clean my house. A herd of dust antelope just plowed through my foyer. It's time I did some poaching. There is entirely too much wild game free in my house.

I get herds of moose, myself. It's like living in dust-Canada.

Or would that be Canadust?

posted by Harvey at 1:38:43 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only... Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.

posted by Harvey at 12:54:52 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Only slightly less exciting that watching it on TV.

posted by Harvey at 12:50:56 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I check my Ecosystem ranking first thing in the morning, every day. And I'm always surprised to see how high it is. I keep expecting to take a peek some day and see something like #4000.

At which point I would sigh & shrug & tell myself, "Eh. Looks like the bubble finally burst. Well, at least I'm not an over-egoed fraud anymore. I'm back to being the flippery fish that I know I really deserve to be."

But it keeps not happening, and I keep thinking, "Huh. Wonder what that's all about?"

It's that odd, slightly unreal feeling. I imagine it's similar in kind, although certainly not in degree, to the feeling a young man gets when he first sees his newborn child and thinks, "My world has changed while I wasn't looking, and I'm the Daddy now." Which is usually followed almost immediately by the thought, "Oh crap! Now what do I do?"

I've seen Misha mention this feeling on occasion. You can almost hear him shaking his head in disbelief while wondering why people come and why they come back.

A couple days ago, I got whacked hard with that "how the hell did this happen?" feeling when I traced back a commenter, Radar Rider of Musings of a Techno-Geek (whose 3 sentences at the end of this short post just gave me the "we're doing the right thing in Iraq" happy-shivers).

I was scrolling around, trying to learn a little bit about my newest comment... whatever the opposite of a troll is...when I noticed the blogroll:

Eject! Eject! Eject!

USS Clueless

James Lileks' Bleat

Cold Fury

Kim du Toit

The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler

The Spoons Experience


The Sake of Argument

Bad Money

Look at those names. It's like a who's freakin' who of blogdom... come to think of it, it looks a lot like my first blogroll.

Except this one's got MY name on it.


I swear, this must be what it feels like the first time someone asks you for your autograph, and you look over your shoulder expecting to see someone important standing behind you.

And Radar Rider, you need to get an "About Me" post up sometime soon so that I can make fun of you properly ;-)

posted by Harvey at 12:35:08 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, February 28, 2004


After discussing the gay marriage issue a bit with Marty of Vigilance Matters, I've gotten a better grip on my gay marriage stance.

There are 3 positions that the state can take with regard to an activity. They can promote it, allow it, or forbid it.

I agree that the state does have an interest in actively promoting heterosexual marriages for the sake of fostering the best possible environment for raising children. It's an institution with a proven track record of creating societal stability and growth.

Childless couples are irrelevant to that child-rearing aspect, but trying to exclude the infertile & childless-by-choice from marriage while trying to promote the institution would be impractically cumbersome and intrusive. For the sake of convenience, the childless are permitted to free-ride on the government's marriage-promotion gravy train.

Homosexual marriages don't have the child-producing aspect, and because of the obvious genital situation, it's a simple matter to exclude them. So the state has no interest in, or reason for, actively promoting homosexual marriages.

But this does NOT mean that the state should then be required to FORBID the relationship. Some things actively harm society's members - theft, rape, murder, etc., and these activities are rightfully forbidden. A committed, monogamous relationship between 2 homosexuals, however, doesn't harm anyone. So it should be ALLOWED. This means letting homosexuals dive into the legal and financial tangle if they so choose. If states like Vermont want to make it easy for them with a Civil Union law, that's great. But I don't think any state has an obligation to make it easy or convenient, since, as I said before, you can have the legal equivalent of marital bonds through the simple application of contract law.

I'm still trying to work out the specific issues of homosexuals using the word "marriage", and whether Civil Unions cause conflicts relevant to the "equal protection" and "full faith & credit" clauses of the Constitution. Another aspect that gets little discussion is that there is a Constitutional right to travel (not listed, but see Amendments 9 & 10 - no listing required) between the states. I know that charging fees to enter or leave a state is unconstitutional, since it has a chilling effect on the right of free traverse. If Civil Unions aren't afforded full faith & credit from other states, this might be an issue, but I'm not sure.

I hope Stephen Den Beste weighs in on this soon...

posted by Harvey at 9:01:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I just took the Honky Quotient Exam at Misha's place.

I got a -3.

Does that mean I have to delete this post now?

posted by Harvey at 2:08:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Now that I've hurt people's feelings with why I'm not fond of the anti-gay-marriage stance, it's time to administer a kick & piddle to the pro-gay-marriage side.


What the HELL do you want?

Why don't you stop complaining about how you can't get married and go get married?

It's pretty straightforward. Let's assume 2 gay men. They rent themselves a hall, ask someone they respect and admire to officiate the ceremony, then stand up in front of family & friends on the appointed day to exchange vows pledging eternal love and monogamy.

Then it's time for the nuts & bolts process of entangling their legal & financial interests.

Put both names on the deed to the house & car. Change the beneficiaries on the insurance policies & retirement plans. Get reciprocal Health Care Power of Attorneys and reciprocal wills. If they want to go a little further, they can even do reciprocal General Power of Attorneys, and maybe have one guy legally change his last name. I'm talking about some fairly straightforward contracts here, which any dimestore shyster can whip up in an afternoon for a reasonable fee.

From then on, they live together and introduce their significant other as their husband or spouse or partner, and tell people that they were married last June in a lovely ceremony.

If things go bad and they want to separate, they get all the joyous legal headaches of a divorcing hetero couple.

But while things are going good, there's no significant difference between what this couple has, and the marriage I currently enjoy with Beloved Wife.

Why isn't that good enough? Why do you have to jack around with a legal definition that's served society well for I-don't-know-how-many hundreds of years? WHY? Because you're too lazy to do the paperwork?

Sorry, I'm just not convinced that eliminating a couple hours of inconvenience justifies the attempt to sledgehammer such a long-standing institution.

In conclusion, I think both sides of this argument suck.

If anybody wants me, I'll be here on the fence.

posted by Harvey at 1:25:12 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, February 27, 2004



The happiest part of my body is my heart, because it always thinks of you.

posted by Harvey at 11:57:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The comment party's gettin' a little crazy, and there's Reddi-Wip everywhere. Come join in the fun before the Bartender shuts us down.

(hat tip to ErosBlog for the pic)

posted by Harvey at 11:24:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I had a little free time today, and I finally got around to reading that essay by Orson Scott Card that everyone's talking about. And you know what?

Fuck Orson Scott Card.

Why? Because his big argument against homosexual marriage is that the foundation of society is a man and a woman getting married and raising kids.

So, by implication, I'm rending society's fabric because I don't have any kids & don't plan on it?

Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.

Oh, but I suppose I'm forgiven because my wife & I have dissimilar genitalia? Well, here's a secret that'll shock no-one: we don't always use them in the prescribed potentially-baby-making manner that Mr. Card seems to think is so all-fired fucking important to keeping the nation functional. In fact, checking the dictionary, it would appear that I'm heavily into sodomy(2), so I guess my wife and I are just a couple filthy little civilization-destroying sodomites, and we don't deserve to be considered "married" since we're just as bad as all those mincing little faggos, what with our malicious refusal to breed, and all.

Hell, without kids, we're not even a "family", according to the essay:

The ideologues have demanded that we stop defining "families" as Dad, Mom, and the kids. Now any grouping of people might be called a "family."

But this doesn't turn them into families, or even make rational people believe they're families.

Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.

And the horse you rode in on.

And the little dog that followed your horse into town.

Especially that little dog.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm still undecided on the gay marriage issue, but I'm getting a little sick of the anti-gay marriage crowd tossing out arguments that imply my marriage is second-rate because of a lack of progeny.

posted by Harvey at 11:04:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Filthy Lie pairing round-up: Evil Glenn's Awards (with apology)

New Filthy Lie assignment: Design a new Instapundit logo.

posted by Harvey at 9:43:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Huh. I didn't know France had a baseball team.

posted by Harvey at 9:39:17 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, February 26, 2004



Ah, the dead of night, when you can lie awake pondering the wonders of the universe, the simplicity of life, or the beauty of the person you live for. Each can satisfy you, but only one will fulfill you.

posted by Harvey at 11:25:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Look, I understand the Treasury Department's decision to allow corporate sponsorship of US currency - they needed the extra revenue. That's fine. I even think it's kinda cute that Wal-Mart got the one dollar bill. It's just that I really wish that Vagisil hadn't gotten the five.

posted by Harvey at 11:22:48 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


That does it. I'm starting a petition to have Da Goddess host the Carnival of the Vanities every week. She did a great job hosting it several months back, and she's done a fantastic job this time around. Also, she has one of the best sidebar cleavage shots I've ever seen.

This week's Diamond Edition Carnival (#75) has an overstuffed, overflowing bra theme. I'm kinda busy drooling to pick a winner out of this pile, but I'll tear myself away briefly to find something...

Red Ted wants to name his daughter Cthulhu. Which would be fine by me, except he does that horrid pretentious baby-naming thing and spells it wrong. Or maybe he was just too lazy to Google.

Either way, it's still a better girl's name than McKenzie.

posted by Harvey at 10:54:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Available for perusal at The Argus.

"Why," you ask, "would I want to go look at that? Isn't that the collection of the worst and most shamefully disgraceful posts in the blogosphere?"

Hell yeah.

But the thing is, every week, some filthy little cheater stuffs in something GOOD. Like the post by Pietro of The SmarterCop, wherein he visually chronicles the football referee hand signals of John Kerry. I can't quote it. It's a visual.

For some reason, that "roughing the kicker" pic just tickled me.

Bad Pietro! No quality allowed in the Bonfire. Bad! BAD!

posted by Harvey at 9:39:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Is up at The Owner's Manual. My pick of the litter would be this rather sticky post by Jim of Snooze Button Dreams wherein he muses on what it would be like to be the Holodeck squeegee boy:

There are 6 holodecks, I believe. (Apologies that I have no exact figures for you - I'm not quite a geek enough to have such specific data available.) So there are about 650 people who want to wack off in each holodeck at any particular time. We're talking some extremely constant fluid excretion here. The holodeck ends each day with pearl floors and textured ceilings.

I'm sure most people would read that and say, "EWWW! That's just gross! Besides, everyone knows that Federation officers are a bunch of vegetarian eunuchs. Well, except for that slut Riker - he'll sleep with anything."

Although I mostly agree that the Next Gen crowd could use a dose of viagra, there is a strong hint dropped that Jim's not too far off the mark. In the episode "Hollow Pursuits" Geordi says something very much like the following to Mr. Barclay (I can't find the exact quote anywhere): "What a person does on the holodeck is his own business"


Anyway, even if you don't want to go swimming in the goo, or even read any of the posts, you should stop by the Symphony anyway. Why? Because Gary included a relevant H.L. Mencken quote with every entry. For example:

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."

I swear, that's going to be my next tattoo.

posted by Harvey at 9:27:01 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Why do I read Pepper of the Earth? Because Linus can make the English language prance and caper in the startling sort of way that makes James Lileks look like Barney & Friends. Here he nails the month of February right to the church door:

 February's weather isn't any worse than December's, but 'round about, say, last week we've had winter so long we can't remember any other state, of mind or matter. We abrade under the salt and sand, traction grinding us smooth. S.A.D. leaks from every bundled muffler, shuttered window, and raised collar; the stashes of tissues are all used up, the winter coat isn't full of banked and promising warmth so much as it is heavy, drab, and bulky. Sweatshirt pockets are stripped of mementoes of winters past, saggy with the trespass of frequent hands. The hiss of the heat, the slush of cars in snow flurry washback, the gritty filth of permafrost plates tucked under stoops and at the mouths of alleys. Enough, enough, enuffawreddy.


posted by Harvey at 8:38:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Trey Givens puts the "ban smoking in all public places" argument in perspective:

1) We spend bazillions of dollars each year on medical care for Georgians especially on cancer and cancer-related illnesses.
2) Smoking and second-hand smoke contribute to cancer and cancer-related illness.
3) Georgia can reduce its medical expenses by reducing the number of people who smoke or are exposed to second-hand smoke.
4) We should forbid smoking.

Can you spot the error? Allow me to draw an analogy from my own life.

1) I spend a bazillion dollars every month on Starbuck's White Chocolate Mochas.
2) White Chocolate Mochas taste good, but they aren't very good for me.
3) I can save lots of money and be healthier if I drink fewer White Chocolate Mochas.
4) I should punch the barista in the neck next time she makes a White Chocolate Mocha for me.

Stop smoking yourself? Get the government out of the health care purchasing business? Never! BAN! BAN! BAN! It's the ONLY way!


posted by Harvey at 8:32:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I was surfing around this morning, and I came across a thoughtful post by Lynn of Refections in d minor about writing, where she noted the differences between writing essays and the more conversational style that bloggers tend to use.

It was good, but there wasn't really a money quote to post about, and it didn't compel any sort of verbal response that I felt was worth leaving in the comments. Yet I enjoyed reading it, so I just left a lame little "good post" comment.

It occurred to me that this happens to me a LOT. If you're on my blogroll, rest assured that I stop by every day and read everything you've written since my last visit. Yet sometimes I feel a little guilty. I enjoy everything I read, but I don't always comment, and I link even less. This makes me a little sad, because I know what it's like to see zero after zero in the comments and think "Wow. Nobody cares. I'm just talking to myself and I feel a little foolish. I thought that was a GREAT post, too. *sigh*"

Dammit, I DO care! I READ! I LOVE! I want you to keep writing. MORE! MORE! MORE!

Please don't mistake my silence for apathy.

As for me, I LIVE for comments. I don't write so much for the pleasure (although it IS great fun) as I do for the conversation. The kind of witty banter that I get all too infrequently in the dull, dry world of face-to-face.

But I realize that other folks are under the same sort of time-pressure I am. Lots of reading to do, and not nearly enough time to do it all. At times like these, I find comfort in my referrer logs, seeing all the familiar names that have stopped by. It's like coming home to find my front door covered with little post-it notes that say "Hi - stopped by - you weren't home - I'll be back later - thinking of you :-)"

It's a good feeling.

So if I don't link or comment, just check your door. You'll see that I stopped by. That I was thinking of you. And that I care.

posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Google as I might, I couldn't find any information on awards that the Puppy Blender might have won, so I decided to call him and ask him directly. I cleverly disguised my true identity...

[ring... ring]

Evil Glenn: You are puny and weak! You will die a horrible bloody death at the hands of my foul minions! I will destroy all that you love! Bow down before your new master! MUAHAHAHAHA! This is Glenn, may I help you?

Harv: Yes, I'm from Evil Overlords Illustrated, and...

Evil Glenn: Wow! EOI! Hey, I LOVED your last swimsuit issue! How did you ever get Saddam Hussein into a Wicked Weasel Bikini? Talk about not safe for work!

Harv: Yes, well, shoehorns & a tub of Parkay can work miracles, but the reason I'm calling, Mr. Reynolds is that I'd like to interview you for our next issue. We're doing piece called "Cute Animals: America's Pestilence", and since your work with puppies is legendary, I wanted to get some quotes. You know - how their death-screams are like a Mozart concerto or some poetic crap like that.

Evil Glenn: More like Bach, but I take your meaning. Ask me anything, Mr... what did you say your name was?

Harv [reminding myself to give a fake name]: Harvey... DOH! Damn! Now my cover's blown!

Evil Glenn: I'm sorry, I was mixing up some Poodleberry punch. What was that?

Harv [thinking a little faster this time]: Uh, ORVEY! [ok, not MUCH faster]... and I said "oh man, this cover's your own". You won't have to share this issue's cover with anyone.

Evil Glenn: Orvey, huh?... That a Russian name?

Harv: Uh... Da.

Evil Glenn: Well, Orv, here's my story. I was born a poor black child...

Harv: Mr Reynolds...

Evil Glenn: WHAT?

Harv: This is for your fellow defilers of all that is good and pure, not some stupid Alliance Filthy Lie assignment. Save the BS for the Kerry sexual harrassment deposition.

Evil Glenn: Sorry. Force of habit. Lawyer, you know.

Harv: All too aware. Now let's get a little background on your past accomplishments, and...

Evil Glenn: When I was 12, I stuffed a French mime into a flaming trash barrel. Found out Marcel Marceau could talk after all. Or at least scream.

Harv: Mr. Reynolds...

Evil Glenn: WHAT? It's true!

Harv: Yes, but hardly evil. You got a Congressional Medal of Honor for that one, as I recall. Look, if you're not going to cooperate, I can get someone else. Castro's been bugging the crap out of me for weeks, just begging for some ink. Keeps going on and on about this great kitten salsa recipe he's worked up, and...

Evil Glenn:  Not Castro! He's the worst!

Harv: I thought you liked commies?

Evil Glenn: I do, but I'm more of a Mao man. Castro's such a tit by comparison. Little pussy's barely even got a dozen nukes, and... oops - wasn't supposed to mention that. This is off the record, right?

Harv: Totally. Anyway, let's get back on track here. What sort of evil awards have you won?

Evil Glenn: Well, there was that award from the Girl Scouts for selling the most cookies...

Harv: I said EVIL!

Evil Glenn: Ricin Mints & Ebola Delites.

Harv: Oh, you were with Hillary's troop. I stand corrected. What else?

Evil Glenn: Blackwell's Worst Dressed - Socks & Sandals Division. Birkenstocks & knee-high whites. You know the kind I mean? The ones with the frilly dingles hanging off the top?

Harv: My inner queer eye has never felt so violated. Go on.

Evil Glenn: There was that award I got for helping the homeless...

Harv: Gladys, get me Castro on line 2...

Evil Glenn: No! Wait! Let me finish! I got it for helping the homeless into the next life! Slice & Dice magazine even did a huge piece on my filleting technique!

Harv: Never mind, Gladys… Yeah, I remember that one. Heh. Those hobos looked like Picasso paintings. What a splatterfest! Intestines everywhere… and that "third eye" thing was a nice touch. Keep going.

Evil Glenn: The Trial Lawyers' Association Shyster of the Year Award for 12 years running.

Harv: Gladys, call Castro back…

Evil Glenn: WHAT? The TLA is the epitome of evil!

Harv: Yes, but there are certain limits to even our readership's depravity. I think we'd best not mention this one.

Evil Glenn: Ok, skip it. Can I at least mention that I won the Second Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?

Harv: Hmmm… and you received that for…?

Evil Glenn: Chernobyl didn't melt itself down, you know.

Harv: Ex-cellent.

Evil Glenn: Indeed. And there was my work at Jerry Lewis's last Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon.

Harv: Thanks, Gladys. Hello?… Fidel?…

Evil Glenn: Geez, Orvey! You have the patience of an espressoed ferret! Look… one of my lesser-known hobbies is steamrollering cripples in parking lots just to hear the sound of the their wheelchair spokes breaking. Talk about MUSIC! If puppy screams are Bach, then that PING! PING! PING! is lovely, lovely Ludwig Van.

Harv: Ah, sweet Ultra-Violence. Anything else?

Evil Glenn: Yeah. My "Most Annoying Right-of-Center Blog of 2003" Award.

Harv: Ok, Glenn, that does it. I'm hanging up.

Evil Glenn: But WHY?

Harv: I'm sick of you trying to bullshit me like I'm some sort of OJ juror! EVERYONE knows that Misha got that award!

Evil Glenn: He STOLE that award! Do you have ANY idea how F****** annoying I am? With my "Hmmm" this, and my "Heh" that, and my "Indeed" every-damn-other-thing? I'm so irritating people break out in hives at the mere sight of my stupid sparking-antenna logo! It's not MY fault that my readers are too illiterate to read more than the three words I use! Hell, half of 'em send me hate mail for using a word with a second syllable! You should see my inbox! If I had a nickel for every "BIG WORD HARD MAKE BRAIN HURT" subject line, I'd be Bill freakin' Gates! DAMN that insolent puppy and his brilliantly intelligent readership! Damn him all to HELL! I should've blended him YEARS ago!

Harv: So… no award, then?


Harv: Glenn, two things…

Evil Glenn: DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

Harv: First, we're having a phone conversation, and I'm a thousand miles away from you, thus just beyond arm's reach.

Evil Glenn: …dead?

Harv: Second… I LIED! I'm NOT Orvey of Evil Overlords Illustrated. I'm Harvey of Bad Money, and this IS a Filthy Lie assignment. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Evil Glenn: NOOOOO! MURDER! DEATH! KILL! TORTURE! MAYHEM! SLAUGHTER! DIE! DIE! D… wait a minute… does this mean I'm not going to make the cover of EOI?

Harv: Not as such, no.

Evil Glenn: … but Castro won't be on it either, right?

Harv: Well, no.

Evil Glenn: Eh. Ok. No problem, then. See you in hell, Currency Freak. [click]

Harv: What a cocky, pompous, overbearing asshole.


Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: LAWYER! MUAHAHAHAHA! [click]

Oh, you'll pay for that one, Glenn. You. Will. Pay.


posted by Harvey at 6:12:39 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Late PGH from Physics Geek (plus poetry)

Filthy Lies Due Friday by 8. What awards has Evil Glenn won?

I've got a doozy cooked up for this one. It's so long, it could be a top 10 list.

posted by Harvey at 7:28:19 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, February 25, 2004



Maybe a guy could fall instantly in love, but I doubt it. I think love creeps over you like a warm feeling on a clear blue fall day. This person is in your thoughts most of the time - all of the time, actually. You see her when you close your eyes, when you look off into the distance, when you pause from what you are doing and take a deep breath. You remember how her fingers felt when they touched you. The loved one becomes a part of you, the most important part. At least it's that way with me when I think of you.

posted by Harvey at 10:44:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Jamie Whitehead St. John School Encinitas CA]

I'm just trying to picture Jamie's grandfather's thought process when he got off the boat at Ellis Island and was told to pick a more American-sounding last name... "Hmmm... Zit?... Cyst?... Pustule?... AH! I know!..."

posted by Harvey at 10:40:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Other uses for terrorists. GEBIV's got a top 10 list that even Frank would approve of (Bloody purist. Doesn't he know that brevity leads to puppy blending?).

New PGH Assignment: Write one or more campaign slogans for Ralph Nader.

posted by Harvey at 10:27:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Phelps of The Everlasting Phelps claims that he's written a top 10 list on the "stupid lefty moonbat tricks" topic that's funnier than all 6 of the other permalink contest entries combined.

I agree. Even this one by itself makes my entire masterpiece look like stepped-in dog crap:

2. starts a petition to impeach GW Bush for perjury about getting his teeth cleaned in Arkansas

Glad he wasn't in the competition. I would've lost my shirt.

No pun intended.

posted by Harvey at 5:43:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Graumaugus of Frizzen Sparks is one of those guys you just want to slap in the back of the head.

Why? Because he's got MOAB-strength funny inside him, and doesn't belt it out anywhere NEAR often enough.

However, he takes it to the house several times in his long-delayed interview which is now up at Jen's History & Stuff. My favorite bit is this:

What is the most wonderful thing about Tiggers?

They add another interesting psychological twist to the 100 Acre Wood Institution for Mentally Deranged Stuffed Animals. You have Tigger (ADHD), Eeeore (Depression), Pooh (Mental Retardation, Food Addiction), Piglet (Anxiety), Rabbit (Obsessive/Compulsive gardening), Kanga (Drug Addiction. Trust me, everyone keeps craving her cookies for a reason), Roo (Obsessive Hero Worship), Owl (Delusions of Grandeur, initial stages of Alzheimer's), Mole (Obsessive/Compulsive need to fix things), and Christopher Robin (Visual and Auditory Hallucinations of talking, walking stuffed animals.)

Not because it's necessarily the best answer he gives in the interview (there's LOTS of other good stuff), but because I know several young women who have 100 Acre Woods characters TATTOOED on their otherwise lovely bodies.

Bugs Bunny I can understand. He's got moxy. But Tigger? He's nothing but a brainless, linguini-spined blabbermouth. And can you imagine getting Eeyore permanently inked onto your ankle? That sad-sack bucket of pathetic, whiny crap? No self-image issues here, no sir.

Bah! The only way I want to visit the 100 Acre Woods is with a match on a dry summer day. I'll roast marshmallows while I cherish the screams.

posted by Harvey at 5:14:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


December 31, 2004

[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel's newest and highest-rated news magazine show, "Hard Right", hosted by the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]

Good Evening, I'm Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – "2004: The Year in Review". A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.

But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta's, please? Thanks.

[jiggles breasts gratuitously]

Now to our stories:

Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the "YEARRRGGGGH! Party", and known popularly as the "Scream-ites", this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a "Draft Dean" movement. Sadly – well, sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.

Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello, Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard Dean's original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However, during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No one has taken him seriously since.

Number 8: Immediately after Moore's utter humiliation, Congressional Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked, piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.

Number 7: As the furor around "Piddle-Gate" expanded, Hillary Clinton, frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally televised news conference. The nation's health care system nearly collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary's news conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness. Prune sales plummeted.

Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A grateful nation wept with joy.

Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference, claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone, and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously, and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, "that two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.", unquote.

Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry protested Bush's foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.

Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service, waving signs printed with such vile crap as "Hinckley should've shot you twice" and "Burn in hell, Bonzo". The enraged crowd turned on the outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later dubbed "Kick'n'Piddlestock '04". Sales of the DVD are currently on track to break the record previously held by the movie "Titanic".

Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics posted entries on their… what's that word there? "blogs"? What the hell is a "blog"?… [off camera: "Just read the story, Melinda"]…ok, uh, "blogs"… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up – blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their "blogs", calling on leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker * … sorry, couldn't resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO organized the now-famous counter-protest "Operation Groin Stomp". Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.

And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath, Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon. Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the mass
of fetid hippies started chanting "no blood for green cheese!", Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.'s brilliant strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and harmony.

That's our recap of the year's top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying enthusiastically] are my boobs.

Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.

posted by Harvey at 4:49:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I got lucky.

9 times out of 10, in any direct, funny-to-funny competition with Frank J., he's gonna kick me in the spleen & piddle up my nose. He's still funnier than me - about 10 times funnier, judging by site traffic - and he's still at the top of my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than."

This was just one of those happy flukes like the American Olympic hockey team beating Russia in 1980 (Now a major motion picture starring Kurt Russell).

Not that Frank is a filthy, bushy-eyebrowed commie who never laughs or smiles. I'm just making an analogy.

Anyway, I want to thank Frank for daring to put his funny where his mouth was and actually going through with this peculiar little exercise.

I want to thank Emperor Darth Misha I for volunteering his time, creativity, and blog space to present us all with the topic over which to do battle.

And I especially want to thank Susie, of Practical Penumbra, for sacrificing a LOT of what precious little blogging time she gets in order to craft the post that was our battleground. Susie, you're still the sweetiest.

Further thanks are in order for my competitors - Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless (who appears to be blogless again),  Joey of Single White Male, Kabasue of Kabasue's Little Blog, and Rasta of Behind Enemy Headlines - for having the decency to NOT have a flash of comedic brilliance that would play Eddie Murphy to my Bob Hope.

Finally, to all the kind people who voted for my entry - your checks are in the mail.

posted by Harvey at 4:39:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


10) Certain pictures and negatives will now be mailed to Frank. Meanwhile, you are instructed to ignore any "inflatable Ann Coulter" rumors

9) I thought the topic was "Top 10 Ways To Get Urine Up A Loony Moonbat Leftist's Nose"

8) That PayPal virtual tip jar on Frank's sidebar ain't there for looks, people.

7) Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, boobs beat everything.

6) Misha e-mailed me the topic weeks ago. I LOVE virtual tip jars!

5) That clown college degree finally made itself useful.

4) I'm not saying how I curried Susie's favor, but I officially deny that Reddi-Wip was involved

3) I usually take Lithium to keep from being funny, but I spilled the bottle down the bathroom sink, so I was unmedicated that day.

2) Despite the fact that it's also a light-weight, silvery colored metal, aluminum is NOT a servicable substitute for Lithium

...and the number one reason why I won Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II:

1) Mine's bigger.

posted by Harvey at 3:30:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I won.

Official gloat-post to follow this evening.

Meanwhile, big thanks to Frank, Susie & Misha for putting this together.

posted by Harvey at 7:37:35 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, February 24, 2004


(following up a bit on this post, inspired by comment input from Marty)

Has anyone actually MET someone who was brainwashed by violent or perverted images? By which I mean - known them, talked to them, and were convinced that they were too stupid to be able to understand what was going on and were therefore the victims of trashy images?

I haven't met any myself, but then again I rarely have cause to hang out with 60-watt bulbs. On the other hand, the 60-watters I HAVE met seem to be short-sighted, evil, and criminally greedy by choice, and gravitate toward low-class images because those images reflect the way these dregs think most of the time.

Revelling in trash is an effect of a debased mind, not a cause. Choice precedes pre-occupation, and a debased mind is the sum total of a lifetime of debased choices. These choices become habits which feed on themselves and self-perpetuate, but these habits are by no means permanent or unbreakable. If you've ever known a scumbag who sincerely "found God", you know what I'm talking about. I have a brother who, in his younger days, was on the fast track to hard time, but he had a religious experience & pulled a 180. The key here was that he chose, practiced, and internalized a new set of habitual thought patterns. He started spending more of his time thinking about the Bible, which left less time to think about drugs and crime.

Elevating your consciousness to a more thoughtful, far-sighted plane is not an easy choice, but it is a choice, and people make it all the time. I honestly believe ANYONE is capable of doing it, given sufficient motivation. Once you make the choice, the existence or non-existence of trashy images becomes irrelevant. Those images are simply avoided or ignored.

But what about the 60-watters who haven't chosen the thoughtful life? Well, if you magically removed every dirty picture from the planet tomorrow at dawn, they'd be scratching naked stick figures in the dirt before 9am. You can't FORCE these people to change. You can only inspire them to choose change for themselves. Maybe by your good example, maybe by a good hard stick-beating, but, in the end, it has to be their choice.

posted by Harvey at 11:17:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



I want to hold you in my arms, gently
Beyond sex and security, prestige and triumph,
To say once and for all, "I love you", and mean it
From the top of my head to the depths of my soul
This is the love that casts out fear
That makes life worth living
That takes a man and a woman on the earth and lifts them finally
Above every power or pain that could wound them
I have seen so many sights, heard so many words
But none as beautiful
As the sight and sound of a man and woman
Who say with their every act
Their eyes and all their being

posted by Harvey at 7:39:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



"How much you love me" turned out not to be so much "forever" as "travel time to the nearest liquor store".

posted by Harvey at 7:26:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


One of the perks of being the King of the Blogs is that you have the right to issue a Royal Edict, which is a post of your choosing that all the KotB judges must link to (commentary optional).

Good King Bill of WalloWorld picked an excellent topic to play with - the left's hypocrisy regarding the effects of imagery on people's minds:

Countless hours spent playing violent video games of course have no impact on kids (nor could they ever contribute to an environment where kids shoot their classmates), but The Lord of the Rings can reinforce racial sterotypes or The Passion is likely to lead to anti-Semitic violence?

After raising the question Bill sums it up in a quick point:

images have power. They may affect different people in different ways, but every image has an impact.

Dang. After all the times I've harangued Bill for prattling on and on and on, he picks THIS occasion to say his piece & shut up. I wanted to see this issue get chewed & tasted instead of being swallowed whole. I hope he chases this down in the future and talks about which images have what impact, and what, if anything, should be done about the effects of negative images.

For my part, I'm of the belief that images don't matter nearly as much as the message surrounding the image. Take, for example, the often maligned violent Bugs Bunny cartoons of my youth. People were getting beat up & hurt left and right. But the moral was always the same: Bugs was just minding his own business, trying to lead his happy little bunny life, and some jerk started messing with him. Well, Mr. Jerk got what was coming to him. He deserved the trouble he got. Justice was served.

Same thing with Popeye. I don't recall him ever throwing the first punch. He was a peaceable sort of fella.

And even my VERY maligned violent video games (especially the first-person shooters I love like Doom, Duke Nukem, Quake, Jedi Knight, Soldier of Fortune, etc.) have a message. Evil people need to be killed by good people to protect the innocent.

My point being that, while I recall the cartoon punches or the splattery image in the game, I more strongly recall the message - sometimes good men must fight.

I think it's a distraction to argue over whether the image is good or bad. Argue the principle that image supports.

posted by Harvey at 7:04:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If I were in charge of determining John Kerry's eternal punishment, I'd probably make him forever re-live the 60 seconds after he first heard that Ralph Nader was running. Just letting that sense of drop-jawed hopelessness sink in over and over and over...

I'm cruel that way.

But I'm not doling out the punishment, J of Quibbles & Bits is, and he's not that heartless.

He's worse. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Go take a peek at what HE came up with.

posted by Harvey at 6:34:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Shouldn't Christians be HAPPY that the Jews killed Christ? I mean, no dead Christ means no salvation. What if the Jews would've said "Nah, put Barrabas on the sticks. RELEASE CHRIST!"?

Then Jesus would have lived out a happy, contented life like in the final scenes of "The Last Temptation of Christ", which is just swell from his perspective, but then everybody else in the world has to burn in hell forever with no chance of redemption.

This is a bad thing, as far as I can tell.

If I were a Christian, and I saw Judas on the street, I'd buy him a beer. SOMEBODY had to betray Christ. There was a prophecy that needed fulfilling, Judas did his job, and he did it well.

If you're going to be mad at Judas & the Jews, you might just as well be mad at the nails & the wood, because they were all just tools in God's plan.

I don't understand the sadness at Christ's death. Am I missing something?

posted by Harvey at 5:56:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


It's very rare that I would ever disagree with Matty O'Blackfive on any military-related issue, but the Ohio Patriot Plan is horrible, and I'm opposed to it.

Let's get something straight. I'm former Navy, I support the troops, I support the President, I support the war. In my estimation, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY to overcompensate the members of the US Armed Forces, at home or abroad. They get paid less than a lot of factory workers, but they work farmers' hours and their job description reads "take a bullet & smile while you're waiting for it to be fired at you". Go ahead and give them more money. Give them more benefits. Give them more privileges. Give them anything. Give them EVERYTHING. I will GLADLY pay my taxes to help the government cover the costs, since national defense is one of the few things that governments are supposed to do.

But that's NOT what this bill does. This bill puts the burden almost entirely on the private sector.   

Landlords, credit card companies, cell phone companies, employers, car rental companies, banks, insurance companies, private colleges, and utilities. All these entities will be FORCED by law to comply.

I have NO problem with companies that would VOLUNTARILY let their profits take a hit to support the troops. If I heard someone was doing that, I'd go out of my way to patronize his establishment. It's good marketing PR, and I applaud companies that take advantage of that fact.

However, these people should also continue to have the right to NOT take these expensive actions if they so choose, and to accept the consequences of that decision in the marketplace.

I don't mind the provisions of the bill that only affect government entities - direct deposit for public employees, and the right to stay in the same school district. In fact, if they wanted to re-write this bill so that paying the rent (or any of the other above named expenses) of a non-deployed spouse was now a benefit of active duty, that's fine. I could get behind that. But don't belt out a laundry list of unfunded mandates for the private sector and then try to wrap yourself in the flag.

That's not patriotism, that's socialism, and I've had quite enough of that already, thank you.

posted by Harvey at 5:50:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Heather of Angelweave talks about how she likes to "Google herself" several times daily.

My goodness but that sounds naughty! I'll have to add it to the list.

Anyway, is it true? Are we a nation of self-Googlers?

It's been months since I Googled myself. Last time I checked, I think I was the #27 hit for "Harvey".

And if I'm looking for adventures in self-discovery, I type in "Harvey is" (with the quotes).

Harvey is sued over work on home

Harvey is extraordinary.

Harvey is quite happy with draft status.

Harvey Is The Pits

Harvey is available

Harvey is already complaining

So... how do YOU like to Google yourself?

posted by Harvey at 5:42:48 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Since the Bartender's not posting, looks like the comment party has started back up again in a new post. We've already got boobies & beads & groping gauntlets, so grab your bag of bad bar behavior & head on down.

posted by Harvey at 5:38:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Last week was the off-week for the King of the Blogs tournament, which meant that Good King Bill of WalloWorld got a chance to lounge around on his throne, pick at his bunions, watch the Royal big-screen HDTV, and be serviced by nubile slave girls.

For six of his kingdom's peasants, however, this was no vacation week. They were locked in a virtual life-or-death struggle to see who would go on to battle Bill for the crown this week.

The results are posted here, and the entries are below them in a separate entry.

Here are my reviews. The rest are at the KotB site. Also, if I didn't link a Rumblor, it's because said Rumblor was a doofus and e-mailed his entry instead of posting it - thereby passing up a good opportunity for linkage.

(Rumblors were ranked by relative strength and then awarded points relative to their positions. 6 points was the highest score, 1 point was the lowest)


CHALLENGE: Insanely over the top!
AD: Goofy & obscene enough to be in the Superbowl halftime, but where's the salesmanship?


CHALLENGE: Multifaceted & hilarious!
AD: Smug, cocky, and threatening, (which is good) but doesn't really SELL…


CHALLENGE: A truly heart-wrenching tale… * snicker *
AD: Excellent pandering, but no selling.


CHALLENGE: Grinworthy, but pretty straightforward
AD: Now THERE'S a sales pitch – shame on you for giving away the fine-print secret,


CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A good running gag. Needed a little more set-up, but shows potential.
AD: Whatever it lacks in humor it makes up for in enthusiasm.


CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A bland effort
AD: Bleah!

posted by Harvey at 7:12:05 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, February 23, 2004


Go vote for the best one.

Or the funniest one.

Or the one that made you laugh the hardest.

Here's the best way to decide who to vote for. Read the first one, then count the spittle flecks on your monitor. Wipe clean. Repeat. The one with the most flecks is the one you should vote for.

posted by Harvey at 11:01:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside their soul and you both know it.

posted by Harvey at 10:58:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Beer Voucher]

This is written on every single bill in Matty O'Blackfive's wallet.

posted by Harvey at 10:56:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


3 filthy lies.

Reminder that your Precision Guided Humor assignment: What are some alternative uses for terrorists? is due Wednesday night.

posted by Harvey at 10:16:51 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Quite a wild time was had by all, and the whole mess is still available for your reading pleasure.

Also, via Physics Geek, I found one of the pictures from the party that's been circulating on the internet already.


Here we see Eric and Trey rushing forth with gleeful cries to take their turn on the olive-oil-covered Slip-N-Slide. Behind Trey is me, (you can sort of make out a leg). I was, at that moment, on all fours, getting a happy tapping from the "Pleasure Paddle", which Tiffany wielded with such style and grace - not to mention delicious brutality. Finally, over on the right, we see Mike the Marine, who was busy getting a Lewinsky from one of the Corner of the Bar Babes, but I don't remember who.

posted by Harvey at 9:37:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


A while back, I had a post on the people John Kerry looks like.

Well, it turns out I missed one. According to Dave of HeadChair, Kerry was the model for the New England Patriots helmet logo.

The sunken eyes, the gaunt cheek-bones,  that acre of chin...

Oh yeah.

posted by Harvey at 8:06:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Being the sort of person I am, I often get strange looks from people after I make... certain innuendo-laden statements. After which I protest my innocence by saying "what?" as in "why are you looking at me like that? I'm an angel and I couldn't possibly have meant anything dirty".

The question is, how do I write that?

The obvious answer is: "just like you wrote it above, dumbass." But the problem with that is that it can possibly be confused with the "I didn't hear what you said" "what?" or the "I can't believe I just heard you make that horrifyingly outrageous and offensive statement" "what?"

How do I write the "I'm so innocent" "what?" so as to avoid confusion?

I'm open to suggestions. The more suggestive, the better.


posted by Harvey at 8:01:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jeff of BigStick.US is working on a project that sounds pretty cool:

This is my plan: I'd like to create a digital map of the world that shows solely political divisions, yet accessible for any point in history.

Example: I access the 'Space and Time Map' for the date July 1625. What would appear on North America would be a colored representation of the Plymouth colony. On mouseover, this would show some pertinent information about the colony, and the ruler and system of government, plus the periods of its existence in that form.

Example 2: I type in 'Pomerania' and access a close up map of Pomerania at a certain date. I would then be able to manipulate the date using a slide bar, viewing all the changes of Pomerania throughout it's history.

Example 3: The program would be able to make small 'slide shows' of a certain region from one date to another, with smooth transitions in between the border changes, and text of battles or conflicts and annexations would appear on the screen.

Now, for this, of course it would be my job to do the data entry, being as boring as that is for most people, and how fun it would be for me. However, I know absolutely nothing about the programming required to create the presentation, nor how to program something that would accept my data entry, nor the form in which it would be entered.

I envision this as being a project for many people, on a purely voluntary basis, as a free and totally expandable academic resource, that would be fun for me to do, and maybe become something celebrated in the world of cartography.

Let me know if:
- You have any suggestions about the programming, method, or content.
- A project like this is already underway.
- You're a fellow cartography afficianado.
- You're interested in developing the system, or in the data entry.
- You can contribute something, anything, to the project.

I personally have nothing to offer at this point except my own big mouth to spread the word, so I am. If there's anything you can do to help this fine young American who's currently trapped deep behind enemy lines in France, stop over & prod his comments.

posted by Harvey at 7:58:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... from Lynn of Reflections in d minor:

If you could have as a pet, any creature from science fiction what would you choose?
I'd get a tribble. Cute, cuddly, constantly purring - they're like cats without the attitude. Also quite useful for finding out if John Kerry is a Klingon spy.

If you could own any device from science fiction what would you choose?
Not so much a particular device as the desire to experiment with zero-gravity intimacy. Imagine the possibilities...

posted by Harvey at 7:54:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty O'Blackfive, trying to relax after a rough morning, cranked up the Kinks to make himself feel better.

Unfortunate choice of song, though, since EVERYONE in the Alliance knows that any song with the word "Lola" in it activates Evil Glenn's subliminal implants & causes him to immediately seek canine quarry for blending.

Which explains why this poor animal was recently seen fleeing in terror, followed closely by a drooling man toting a Ronco PortaBlendaMatic 3000.

Please exercise more care in future song selection, Matt.

posted by Harvey at 7:45:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...Between hurting your back and having your car's alternator take a crap, stranding you by the side of the road without a cell phone, which would you choose?

Silly little Susie couldn't make up her mind, so she got both.

Send sympathy, cash, and/or home remedies for back pain to:

Silly Susie
c/o OW! OW! OW! MY BACK!
Somewhere, IN 69690h!

posted by Harvey at 7:33:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, February 22, 2004


Reduce, reuse, recycle, I always say. So once you catch one of these nasty little terrorist buggers, don't let him rot in a jail cell, put him to good use:

Combination parachute tester and laser guided missile target.

Mobile radioactive waste disposal unit

McDonald's quality control tester. Pour a cup of coffee on his crotch to see if it's too hot to serve to customers.

Shove a magnet up his ass & use him for a metal detector.

Attack dog training dummy. No more wear and tear on delicate and expensive foam pads.

High voltage power line tester. *ZORCH!* Yup, that one was live.

Fear Factor stunt viability checker. Trying to find sewing needles in a tub full of rattle snakes – Good idea? Bad idea? Only one way to find out…

Testicle vise calibrator – and remember, this is for posterity, so please… be honest. How do you feel?

Michael Bolton's sound board technician... No... too cruel.

How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world will soon know. Oops! That's not Tootsie Roll in the center...

Sammy Sosa super-corked batting practice.

New proctologists have to start learning somewhere.

Nipple piercer to the stars. First up, Michael Moore.

Porno movie set mop boy. Damn! Can't find the mop. Well, just squeegee up what you can with your hands and tongue-wipe the rest. Oh, and Mr. Jeremy needs fluffing.


posted by Harvey at 10:14:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Evil Glenn's Children's Stories. Unquestionably the best filthy lie round up ever. You'll be spraying your keyboards with nostril-filtered beverages left & right with this one. Seriously, you NEED to check ALL the links.

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What awards has Evil Glenn won?

Non-assignment-related Filthy Lie from Tasty Manatees.

posted by Harvey at 9:34:50 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



There's a smile I've waited my whole life for.

posted by Harvey at 9:16:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Let's see... all capital letters, lots of exclamation points... could this possibly be the first installment of that $10 million I'm expecting from Nigeria?

(hat to to currently blogless talented writer HySpeed for the pic)

posted by Harvey at 9:14:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, February 21, 2004


I found this series of questions at Lynn's place, and, since she hoped they would be done elsewhere, I'm having a go at them.

1. What is your favorite word?
"Poke", although the explanation for it is rather convoluted. A couple years ago, Beloved Wife and I went to Chicago to visit Carol, one of her old college buddies. While we were there, we spent an evening watching a local avant-garde sketch comedy troupe called "The Neo-Futurists". They're sort of like the Kids in the Hall, except more American and less televised. One of their sketches started out with two characters, each one holding a stick. One poked the other, who declared in a voice most offended, "Hey! You poked me with a stick!" and then retaliated by poking the other person with his stick. The response, of
course was "Hey! You poked *me* with a stick!" It went on like this for a couple minutes, with increasingly silly amounts of stick-poking, offended declarations, and other characters jumping in with sticks of their own. All very juvenile & pointless.

Afterwards, however, Beloved Wife and I couldn't resist poking each other and yelling, "Hey! You poked me with a finger!" (or whatever other handy poking device was used). To this day, it's a frequent occurance that one of us will poke the other while saying "poke", setting off a chain reaction of poking and offended declarations.

Absolutely silly, I know, but it is of such sillinesses that the bonds of love are woven.

2. What is your least favorite word?
I'm agreeing with Lynn on this one and saying "blog", and I'll explain as I did in her comments. A blog is a beautiful thing to read or write, but it's an ugly sounding word. It's even worse if someone pronounces it blawg instead of blahg (which Rush Limbaugh does on occasion).

3. What turns you on (inspires you)?
Playing fetch with my dog Bandit (who is female, despite the name's usual connotation). It's quiet time and I usually manage to do some good writing during a session (between tosses, that is).

4. What turns you off?
Again, I'm agreeing with Lynn. Idle small talk is the bane of my existence. If you're going to use words in my presence, please make them convey information. Oh, and people who smoke in their cars with the windows rolled up and then come to my teller window. Sadly, these are often chatty small-talkers, too. I don't care if people smoke, I did it myself for more years than I like to think about, but please ventilate.

5. What sound do you love?
Well, it doesn't transcribe accurately into writing, but there's a certain sort of heavy, gasping, sighing sound that signals success in the performance of my husbandly duties...

6. What sound do you hate?
The feeble, dry, solenoid click of a dead-battery car. There's never a good time to hear that sound, and I've heard it at many of them.

7. What is your favorite curse word? (if any)
F***. It's just so harsh, abrupt, and bitter. It reflects perfectly the way I feel when I'm frustrated. I use it frequently, much to Beloved Wife's dismay, and despite years of her best efforts at reform.

8.What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Certified Financial Planner. I have a 4-year degree in Finance from an accredited state institution of higher learning and an aptitude for things financial. I don't have the specific training requirements completed that would allow me to take the exam. How to pay for said training is an issue of discussion in the Olson household, which may or may not get resolved in the next year or two.

9. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Home construction. It's either too hot, too cold, or too rainy, and you work in all of it. Even worse would be the stupid, lazy, unreliable, untrustworthy co-workers. I realize that there are some good people who work in the industry, too, but I also know that whenever a woman tells me about her latest ne'er-do-well boyfriend, the phrase "he's a construction worker" almost invariably pops up.

10. Presupposing that Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Due to an uncorrectable clerical error, you may stay."

posted by Harvey at 1:42:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... French snowman.

posted by Harvey at 1:29:51 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Outside of customers who smell waaayyyy too much like either farm or cigarettes (or both), I don't really have too much trouble with incredibly dense & irritating customers.

Via Teresa of Technicalities, I found out that Serenity is not so fortunate:

A family comes in to the restaurant for dinner. They begin to order and everything is going along smoothly. That is until the one member places their order.

Idiot: "I want the chicken platter."

Me: "Ok, what would you like to drink with that?"

Idiot has discussion with another family member and totally ignores question. I wait. And wait.

Idiot: "No, actually, I want the fish instead."

Me: "Ok, you want the fish and not the chicken right?"

Idiot: "Yes."

Me: "Ok, so no on the chicken platter and get the fish."

Idiot: "Right."

Me: "Ok." (Begins repeating entire order back to table.)

Idiot: "No, I want the chicken."

Oh yes, there's more. But the BEST part is the first comment from George of Bastard Sword, who puts the ultimate waitress fantasy into words.

posted by Harvey at 12:40:40 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


hM of homicidalManiank becomes the latest acolyte in the Church of Blogless Beloved Wife's Arms.

posted by Harvey at 12:24:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, February 20, 2004



Love is when you have a bad day, but when you see the one you love, everything seems ok.

posted by Harvey at 10:56:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Trying to raise money to repair the extensive damage resulting from the comment party, The Bartender from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon took to handing out subtle hints with his customer's change.

posted by Harvey at 10:53:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm a strong believer in fact-checking, so before I hit post on something, I'll usually try to think through the consequenses of my words, and do any necessary Googling ahead of time.

However, Space Monkey of The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles pointed out a recent HUGE error in my thinking. Mr. Monkey recently suggested that, in order to stay true to the "where was George" standard, we should demand to know John Kerry's whereabouts at 7 minute intervals in order to be able to safely say that "he did not have sex with that woman, Alexandra Polier". In the comments, I stated that perhaps 7 seconds would be more appropriate, as Democrats aren't exactly known for their staying power.

Oh, yes, I am amusing, but also dumber than a granite pancake, as Monkey explains:

You see, Following the Terry Mcauliff Scandal Handbook 2004 Release the plan is we get the 7 minute version, pretend to peruse it for a millisecond or two and THEN declare/demand, in order,
"Hey, what are you hiding here? There are 6 minute 59 second gaps between every entry."
"Where's the video coverage?"
"Why is there no independent confirmation of the 10:33am restroom entry of July 3rd, 1989?"
"Where are the botox treatment entries?"
"What is NOT in here says more than what IS in here!"
"What's BUSH Kerry covering up?"
"Fake medals!"

Then we demand and get the one minute version and keep going and keep going until Kerry Bush is elected or some other more scandalous scandal is generated from all of this sewermongering.

Be patient, Harvey, we'll get the 7 *second* version, don't you worry. Don't you worry.

I gratefully acquiese to the wisdom of my betters on this issue.

posted by Harvey at 10:42:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I think Jeff from BigStick.US stole the clock from my bank, because I SWEAR I've seen this egregiously bad time-keeping habit before. Has YOUR clock at work ever done this?

posted by Harvey at 10:22:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm not a team player. I hate working in groups, because I'm smart, perceptive, dilligent, and I write well. Which means that, statistically, anyone you group me with is likely to be stupid, dull, lazy, and illiterate by comparison. The typical result of group work for me is that the ankle-weights ride my coat-tails to a better grade, and I only hope and pray that they don't actively try to do anything obstructive in the meantime. There was one particularly horrid project where some squish-noggin who hadn't even done the reading actually tried to argue with me on which course of action to take.

I don't mind if people are dumb, as long as they stay out of my way while they're doing it.

The only good group work experience I ever had was where we had to do some surveys and present the results in front of the class, with a 5-page paper due on the results.

I lived off campus, the other 3 lived on. What I proposed was that, if they'd do all the surveying, I'd write the entire paper - sort of the "division of labor according to talent theory". They were a little uncertain at first, but after I showed them an editorial I'd written for the campus paper, they trusted me. Even though we didn't "each do a little" in every area, and I probably put more actual clock time into it than they did, it still felt fair, and I was happy to share the A.

That, and we all agreed the prof was a stupid cow.

On the other hand,  if you find yourself  in a group with some complete slack-off tail-dragger who meets your group for the first time on the day the assignment is due, then... well, Trey shows how this ought to be handled.

posted by Harvey at 10:19:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In San Francisco, they're marrying gay folks in violation of State Law. In the comments to this entry at Note-It Posts, there's some debate on the virtues of this move. Dana says these folks are elected officials, and their job is to uphold the law whether they like it or not. Mikey argues that when there's a bad law, a little civil disobedience is in order.

I think Mikey misunderstands what civil disobedience is all about. The purpose is NOT to violate the unjust law. The PURPOSE is to gain sympathy from bystanders for your cause. Here's how it works: you do something harmless, yet illegal - say sitting at a lunch counter. But your goal is not to eat lunch. Your goal is to have the authorities enforce the law by arresting you. You don't resist, but you don't assist, you just let them drag you away. Then you sit in jail for the "crime" of wanting a hambuger. Other folks around the nation get pissed off & tell their elected officials to scrap the laws because being dragged off to jail for sitting on a stool seems so insanely disproportionate.

If the San Franciscans wanted to engage in civil disobedience, they'd have gay couples trying to get arrested for being married so that people could see the injustice. As it is, they're just flouting the law like childish, unprincipled anarchists, and they're not getting anyone's sympathy.

If you're going to do this, folks, then do it to the hilt.

Don't dabble. It makes you look foolish.  

posted by Harvey at 10:06:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Bartender has returned from hiatus and posted part 3 of the Lush Lexicon at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Some of my favorites include:

Loudmouth soup
A shot of strong liquor.

Mysterious Drinking Accident. When you wake up with bruises and cuts you have no recollection of receiving. Also called UPI (Unidentified Party Injury), UBB (Unidentified Beer Bruise) and drunk marks.

No Beers Required: Someone sufficiently attractive enough to hit on while sober. [Harv's note: see also "Corner of the Bar Babe"]

One for the ditch
A less optimistic version of One for the road.

Plenty more at the bar.

Meanwhile, Barkeep is pretty testy about the mess we left from the comment party, and in the comments to this post hints broadly that he's thinking about shutting the place down. I figure if we get him drunk enough, he'll forget all about THAT dumbass idea. He's holding last call right now, so stop by, buy one for yourself and one for him, and tell him he's loved & needed.

Or tell him "F*** you, Bartender", which is about the same thing.

posted by Harvey at 10:02:12 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Top 10 topic is up at the Emperor's Palace:

"Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004"

Submissions were due today. I got mine in last night.

I must admit that, when I first saw the topic, my intial reaction was... less than enthusiastic. Since the news lately has been nothing but the Democratic primaries, nothing much immediately suggested itself. I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach - "I've got NOTHING! How the hell am I going to get 10 somethings in 24 hours? I'm DOOMED!"

The first idea hit me before I left from work. Another one followed during the drive home. The rest came in fairly short order once I sat down at home in front of my computer.

It's a good list, and right now, it's in Susie's warm, sensitive hands, awaiting its moment to be posted on the IMAO stage this Monday, where it will prance in the limelight with its five competitors.

Is it good enough to beat the 4 minor competitors? Probably.

Can it beat Frank J? ...possibly... I really think... possibly.

Don't try to figure out which is mine. Just go vote for the best one. Either it's mine, or I don't deserve to win.

Quite possibly it's mine, though. Oh yes. Quite possibly.

posted by Harvey at 9:53:01 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, February 19, 2004



It's good to have someone like you in my life...
Someone with whom I can share so much of me.

posted by Harvey at 10:53:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Ozzy 4 ever]

Heh. I went to high school with a lot of guys like this. Now they're old enough to run for President...

I'm frightened.

posted by Harvey at 10:46:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Kevin of Wizbang took a little time off and left his blog in the hands of anyone who wanted to guest-post. One of the guest-posters, (looks like it was Irritable Blog Syndrome) takes a late bite out of the Pretentious Twit/Twat apple. There are really too many good lines to pick out the money quote, but I especially enjoyed the observations in the last paragraph, although the stuff before that is good, too and I recommend reading the whole thing.

Finally, we have a medium that relegates the first impression back to the void whence it came. Blogging has turned housewives and truckers into respected pundits, lawyers into comedians, and doctors and bankers into satirists. Pretentious twits? I think not. Blogging is the revolution of real-time credibility. It is the new Renaissance and like those of the original, we'll be fact checking your ass.

Ok, maybe I'm biased on liking this because I'm one of those banker-satirists, but I also wanna give him bonus points for coining the phrase "zombie meme" in his intro.

posted by Harvey at 5:38:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


AP Headline: "Laura Bush Says Gay Marriage 'Shocking'"

Teresa of Technicalities goes on to quote what she ACTUALLY said, and it's barely in the same ballpark.

Someone at AP really needs to have Bitey the Possum lock teeth through his scrotum until he can learn how to write headlines properly.

posted by Harvey at 5:32:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty O'Blackfive has a lot to say about whether John Kerry earned his medals. Mike the Marine also has some thoughts on the arbitrary & capricious manner in which military medals are handed out.

My personal opinion is that 30-year old medals aren't the issue, character is. And on John Kerry's character, Matt says this:

I don't care for John Kerry at all. I personally think that he disgraced the military by his actions. I also believe that, by protesting the war in the manner in which he chose, he had a part in helping us lose the war, lose lives, and setting us back in the Cold War. I believe him to be a crook, duplicitious and conniving. I don't believe that he served the citizens of this country (let alone Massachusets) well. I certainly don't believe that he should be a Senator - let alone President. I would never shake John Kerry's hand.

I second that emotion.

posted by Harvey at 5:29:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, February 18, 2004



[Something a little different today. Besides being the first big-time blogger to put me on his blogroll, Reid of Photodude is also a fantastically talented photographer, and this shot just stunned me]

Prettiest. Rose. Ever.

That's you, Beloved Wife

But this one is a close second :-)

posted by Harvey at 11:38:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Streator, Illinois]

What the hell is that thing? A cat? A devil? Whatever it is, the important thing to learn is that you should NEVER buy your Halloween costume in Streator, Illinois.

posted by Harvey at 11:34:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Via Carnival of the Vanities #74, which Four Right Wing Wackos serves up in the most compact iteration ever,  I found an intriguing post by Sir Francis Drake of Drake's Drum.

I've listened to Rush Limbaugh on & off for years, (mostly depending on whether I'm in my car while he's on), and I've heard him mention what he refers to as "seminar callers" on several occasions. These are liberals who have, figuratively, taken the "how to make it past the conservative talk show host's call-screener" seminar. Once they get put on the air, they claim to be former conservatives who now see the liberal light on the topic du jour.

According to Drake, these types of folks are, of late, showing up in comments on conservative blogs, pretending to be disaffected Republicans. However:

these comments are blatantly phoney to anyone who actually is a conservative:

A lot of email seems to be appearing lately claiming something like, they are a "Life Long Republican," and usually then goes on to note they are a big a big admirer or Rush Limbaugh or they voted for Bush.

They remind me not of comments from truly irritated conservatives but instead of Nigerian spam mail or fake virus warnings. OK, so they aren't written in block capitals, but you have the same near miss on the language. Just as the well established e-mail hoaxes are almost but not quite grammatical, so these are almost but not quite authentic - "a big admirer of Rush Limbaugh"

For fun, Drake suggests making up some "near miss" comments from these fake jakes. His offering:

"I'm a big supporter of the 2nd Amendment, and even want to own Assault Weapons and all"

I think I'll try one:

"I really enjoyed reading the 10 Commandments, and God is one of my favorite authors, but..."

Your turn.

posted by Harvey at 11:21:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Kin of Kin's Kouch does a marvelously applause-worthy job of being Roger Ebert in this week's edition of the Bonfire of the Vanities. Kin warns us all of the horrors recently inflicted on the blogosphere, and is even so kind as to give detailed reviews.

Which is how I found out about this eye-gouging pile of torturous pun misery from Bryan of Clarity Amidst Chaos.

If someone's boiled your bunny lately, send them this link.

posted by Harvey at 11:10:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Jen of Jen's history & stuff has a quote, ErosBlog has links to some handy tips.

More tips over here.

Bon Appétit!

posted by Harvey at 11:08:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Kelly of the Patriette isn't a witch after all.

Buy a bed for the newlywed.
I could only give him enough to buy one bedspring, but hey - it's a start.

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: What will the dead terrorists get instead of Paradise and 72 virgins? All kinds of stuff. Most of it ugly and/or painful. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

New PGH assignment: What are some alternative uses for terrorists?

Evil Glenn spotted in France?

posted by Harvey at 10:53:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


While shopping for the Stephen King's latest installment in the Dark Tower series at (I REALLY hope he finishes the whole thing before he gets hit by another van), I came across a book entitled "Evil Mother Glenn's Nursery Rhymes". Curious, I used the "search inside" feature to find out what our vile nemesis has been scribbling. Here's a sample of what I found:

Reynolds had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
Killing hobos with its fangs...
Uh, something here's not right.

Mary, Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow
With hobo bods
Beneath the sod
Cuz I'm Glenn's bitch, you know.

Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
The little dog laughed to see such sport
And was promptly blended for his insolence.

Old Glenn Cole was an evil old soul
and a viscious puppy blender was he
Did a quick robot dance
Put a penguin in his pants
And girly-punched Frank J with glee

Old Glenn Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get a glass of warm puppy goo
But when he got there
The cupboard was bare
So he murdered a hobo in lieu

Little Glenn Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his puppy pie
He stuck in his thumb
It wasn't a plumb
He'd skewered the poor doggy's eye!

Peter, Peter, puppy eater
Mixed his dog shakes with a beater
"Glenn may like to use a blender,
But my way makes them much more tender"

Baa baa Instapundit have you any pups?
Yes sir, yes sir, three big cups.
One is for breakfast, one is for lunch
One is for the afterglow when Frank J. I punch.

Glenn Reynolds is a sick, sick man.


posted by Harvey at 10:44:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


After taking almost 2 weeks off, N.Z. Bear of The Truth Laid Bear, beloved keeper of the Ecosystem, and long-suffering impartial moderator of the Great Blog War, has returned.

Some changes:

After thinking things over, he'd like to do more actual blogging and less wrestling with annoying scripts. To that end, the New Blog Showcase is on indefinite hiatus.

The TTLB site has dropped from Higher Being to Playful Primate. Why? Because the Bear fixed the script so it only counts links to his front page. Links to the Ecosystem don't count for him any more. I'm adjusting my blogroll accordingly.

Welcome back, Bear.

posted by Harvey at 4:35:10 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, February 17, 2004



Since you are my sunshine and I am your raindrop, together we can create an everlasting rainbow of love.

posted by Harvey at 8:32:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In the grips of an irresistable redecorating frenzy, LeeAnn re-does her kitchen, her blog, and was just starting in on the money in her purse before the GM1 could finally persuade her to sit down, relax, and have a Buttery Nipple.

posted by Harvey at 8:30:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Oh, you've just gotta see this one.

A bunker-buster indeed.

Super-Atomic Drink Alert in effect. 

posted by Harvey at 8:07:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty's got a Candle in the Wind song parody up, with Howard "Howler Monkey" Dean being the subject. Here's the first verse:
Goodbye Howard Dean
Never winning a state at all
Screamed like you were on fire
Your campaign began to stall
D.F.A. imploded
And it whispered into your brain
You thought it was inconceivable
That you'd lose a campaign

The chorus is at his place.

He's also asking for help writing the second verse. I don't know the song well enough to oblige, myself, but feel free to take a crack at it if you're so inclined.

posted by Harvey at 8:03:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Now that Kalat, the Iraqi artist who was forced to waste his talents making statues of Saddam, is free to do as he pleases, he has created one of the most touching bronze pieces I've ever seen. This would make a great Iraq War monument.

John of Argghhh! has the picture & description.

(link found via Lynn of Reflections in d minor)

posted by Harvey at 8:00:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Apparently beal causes more than just writer's block - it's causing poster's block (where thought you posted an entry, but it's just sitting there in draft mode, mocking you). Happened to me at Alliance HQ, had a posting failure a couple days ago right here, and now at KotB.

Nevertheless, the results are finally up.

Walloworld is the new King of the Blogs, and, as I predicted, his self-absorbed narcissism will serve him well as he rolls the betrayed and murdered corpse of Christweb off of what is now HIS throne. I expect he'll link himself at least a dozen times in his acceptance speech.

As for the reviews themselves, it's nice to see Marty of Vigilance Matters back in the thick of things, swinging his Louisville Slugger around. He's always been the Oscar the Grouch of the Judge's bench, but I think someone whizzed in his Wheaties the morning he wrote his reviews. He seemed slightly more uncharitable than normal.

Susie's a little more descriptive than usual, and spent a little time fawning over Charlie's gratuitous ass-kissing.

Mr. Dodge - still stuffy.

Pietro - well, for all his Fozzie-bashing, I was shocked at how kindly & supportive he was when doing Charlie's review. Elsewhere, he gave a detailed breakdown in the whole-blog review section that new KotB participants will want to pay close attention to. I think I'm gonna like working with this guy.

Rick & Dawn were probably out drinking all weekend & missed the review submission deadline. Pity, that.

Coming later this week, while Good King Bill sits on his throne, idly tossing stones & knives at his Royal Lackeys for his own amusement, there will be a free-for-all amongst a select list of next week's potential King of the Blogs participants: The Royal Rumble. Participants will all answer a single question in 150 words or less, the top 5 entrants will advance to do battle with the current King of the Blogs in the next tournament.

The losers? - back to the end of the line.

More news on that as it becomes available.

posted by Harvey at 7:58:16 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


"-ake that, you filthy infidel American pig dogs!", cried Abdul Al'splosion, finishing the sentence he had begun before setting off his Kufr-Killr Bombr Belt (TM).

He paused, examining the barren, blackened, sulphurous landscape. "Where the hell am I?" he asked himself, as he tucked the dangly remains of his intestines into his now-combustion-stained Sans-A-Belt slacks.

"Funny you should ask it that way," said a voice. As Abdul turned to look, a short, red, goatee-faced man with horns atop his head the color of hillbilly teeth pulled up in a small motorized vehicle. The words "EvilMobile" were painted on both sides in neatly flowing Coca-Cola-esque script. It looked suspiciously like a golf cart, with the exception of a heavily modified engine.

"Hey," asked Abdul, "that thing got a Hemi?"

"By technical specifications, yes. But it's actually fueled by the agony of tormented souls instead of gasoline." The strange man exited his cart, and cloven-hoofedly trotted up to the confused ex-Islamofascist. His leering face leaned in close to Abdul's, invading his personal space.

"Hi," he said, his breath redolent of Limburger ravioli. "I'm Satan."

Abdul gazed at the legendary hell spawn, who, at 3'6", towered menacingly over nothing.

"Somehow I always thought you'd be..."

Satan's face blazed with an insane rage rarely seen outside of a Howard Dean campaign speech.

"YES! TALLER! I KNOW!" he shrieked. Calming slightly, he continued, "Do you think this is easy for me? Ya know, when I used to be an Angel of Light, I was SEVEN FREAKIN' FEET TALL! I was the star of Heaven's basketball team! I could out-dunk that punk-ass Daddy's-boy Jesus six ways to Sunday! But after The Fall, well... let's just say that gravity was a bitch and it was a hard landing."
"But," Satan continued, "at least I'm not the one who mistook dynamite for a cummerbund." His smug visage beamed with the all bitter joy of Maureen Dowd typing the word "AWOL".

"But... but... I don't understand!" Abdul protested, nervously toying with his dangling left eyeball, "This is supposed to be Paradise! There were supposed to be 72 nubile virgins eager to satisfy my every whim!"

"HA! HA! HA!" Satan's laughter boomed pipsqueakily, "I can't BELIEVE how gullible you are! Did you actually think that the reward for the bloody murder of innocents was going to be a bevy of pre-stardom Britneys?"

"But the Koran said..."

"That part of the Koran was written by the same people who wrote those "Add 3 to 5 inches guaranteed" spam e-mails. I suppose you responded to THOSE, too?"

"I... YOU SHUT UP! Do not mock my AAA Duracell of love!" screamed Abdul defiantly, cowering like a Frenchman and wetting himself with fear and embarrassment.

"Heh. Don't worry about it Splodey. Can I call you Splodey? Look, Splodey, I get a lot of you teeny-weenied sand-monkeys down here. For some reason, you all think that a big boom will make up for your tiny toothpick. I can't imagine how you figure you can satisfy 72 love-hungry sex-wenches when you vaporize even the itty-bitty hump-stump Allah saw fit
to grace you with in the first place. But that's not my concern." Satan rubbed his scabby, taloned hands together with the eagerness of Michael Moore contemplating a hog trough full of Twinkies. "My concern is... torture."

Abdul gulped and darkened his slacks to the cuffs. "Torture?" he squeaked?

"Yes, torture!" Satan squeaked back in a mocking, high-pitched, girly voice, which was indistinguishable from his normal one.

"What... what are you going to do to me?" asked Abdul miserably, as "French surrender-biscuits" slid down the back of his pants and piled up by his heels.

"Well," said the diminutive Prince of Darkness, "ya got your choice. Either an eternity of pineapple enemas..."

"EEP!" said Abdul, his chute clenching in anticipated torture and shutting off the biscuit flow.



"Or... you can return to Earth and live out the remainder of your natural life." finished Satan, an odd little used-car-salesman's smirk gracing his lips.

"There must be some sort of catch," said Abdul as he grabbed his left eye so that he could point it at the vertically-challenged imp to look at him suspiciously. "You're going to send me back all torn apart like I am now, aren't you?"

Satan put on his best "Clinton at a deposition" face and acted hurt. "How could you even suggest such a thing?" he pouted, biting at his lower lip. "I've been nothing but honest with you since you got here." Crocodile-shaped tears trickled down his face.

"BULLSHIT! You're the FATHER of lies!"

Satan shrugged, "The results of that paternity suit were inconclusive, at best."

Manually eyeballing Satan warily, Abdul asked, "So... I really get to go back? No weird little Twilight Zone twist?"

The Underworld Overlord's undersized face relaxed into a broader, insurance-salesman-style grin. "Well, ok. I have to admit that there is one small catch."

"HA!" shouted Abdul with the overconfidence of Al Gore counting the popular vote, "I knew it! What evil trick do you have in store for me?"

Satan's cheeks puffed out briefly and collapsed back as he stifled a guffaw of triumphant laughter - hook, line... - "you'll go back as a bunny rabbit".

"Hmmm..." mused Abdul, pointing his dangly left orb upward to contemplate the possibilities, "sunshine, green grass, lots of mating... Ok. Bunny rabbit it is."

"Sinker." muttered Satan, smiling inwardly.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing," said the unimposingly-proportioned antithesis of goodness, "Just wishing you all the best." He waved cheerily, and thusly dispensed Abdul to his new fate.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled the puny Beast of Revelations, as he jumped into the EvilMoblie and turned the key.


"AWWWWW CRAP! I left the headlights on!"

...Meanwhile, on the set of Steve Irwin's Crocodile Hunter show...

"...And what do crocs love to eat the best?" hollered an ebullient Irwin to the bus-load of third-graders who were taking the behind-the-scenes tour.

"Squirming fuzzy bunnies!" returned the bloodthirsty youthful chorus.

"They sure do! Now my lovely wife, Terri, will 'and me one of those tasty morsels... Thanks, luv... Crikey! This one's a frisky little bugger! Look at 'im wiggle! It's almost like 'e knows what's comin'! 'E's makin' a lot of noise for a rabbit! Almost sounds like 'e's saying "pineapple" over 'n over... Well, enough 'rigglin' & squigglin' - into the pond with ya, snack chip!"

After an exaggerated wind-up, Irwin arced the furry dumpling into the containment area.

"Crikey!" shouted Irwin admiringly, "that 'ungry croc nabbed 'em on the first bounce! What a catch!"

"Now kiddies," Irwin explained, "although this may seem 'arsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of keepin' down the population on those pesky, floppy-eared buggers. Blokes like me what keeps crocs fed for a livin' even got a little sayin' to help us keep our perspective:"


posted by Harvey at 7:17:07 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Comment party at Madfish Willie's continues unabated. Currenty at 53.

They're breakin' out the Mardi Gras beads now, and you know what that means, right?

Buttery Nipples!

posted by Harvey at 7:33:49 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, February 16, 2004



I wanted to kiss this woman so bad, I wondered how I would stay alive without it.

posted by Harvey at 11:43:40 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[If you find this $ you will have good luck 4 7 yrs.]

DAMMIT! I ordered one of those "beat the urinalysis" kits, and they sent me this!

posted by Harvey at 11:41:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Susie got her lie in late, but it's worth the wait

Alliance members not in full compliance with their duties were publicly humiliated

A Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn - the AWOL years

Pinto's Blog repented his evil ways & has a great Glenn quote

PGH assignment reminder: What will the dead terrorists get instead of Paradise and 72 virgins?

I've got my PGH gem cut, but it needs a little polish before I post it.

... and no, "polishing my gem" is not a euphemism for something.

... this time.

posted by Harvey at 11:33:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In a recent post, I briefly mentioned the importance of being able face facts and deal with them objectively when discussing controversial subjects. In that case, it was to consider the possible benefits of using Nazi doctor data to benefit medical science.

It turns out that hM of homicidalManiak wrote an extraordinarily well-thought-out paper on exactly that topic in her senior year of high school. Although I found it a little uncomfortable to read some of the details of the brutal human experiments, I found her essay to be well-written, even-handed, informative, and persuasive. If you have any interest at all in the Holocaust, it's well worth the 5-10 minutes it takes to read.

posted by Harvey at 10:05:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


It's the Gleeful Extremist

I want to tell you all something.

I am the Kerry intern.

Let GE break it down for you. I was young and dumb. He was on his first botox treatment and still had that "come hither" look before that ketchup woman destroyed him. Those beautiful eyes. That Gallic profile. That shaggy haircut. Sigh.

We met when he was already in the Senate and hadn't finished cashing all the checks from his first wife. He spread the money around like it was going out of style. I was just an intern and thrilled to be working for a fellow whose ideals so closely matched those of al Quaeda the rest of the international community. When he started paying special attention to me, I thought it was because I had worn a headscarf that day.

Heh. Go read the rest.

posted by Harvey at 7:15:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, February 15, 2004



For my beautiful, blogless, Beloved Wife.

posted by Harvey at 9:02:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Begin - Who ever has this bill buy a power ball and u will have the luck of a lepracon and you will foresure win but ya gotta give me a cut because you gotta help a brother out - end]

It worked! I won $10 million!

Here's your dollar back, bro. Consider it "your cut".

posted by Harvey at 8:54:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Darren of Colorado Conservative has a post on an affirmative-action-mocking bake sale sponsored by the CU College Republicans (Darren forgot to link his source, but this one's pretty close). These have become fairly standard events across the country, where honkies get charged a buck for the baked goods, and minorities get discounts. I think it fairly well demonstrates the silliness of racial preferences.

What got me going was this line:

CU officials initially objected to the bake sale saying it would be a violation of the 1964 civil rights act.

Discounted baked goods are a violation of Federal Law?

Must be all those evil carbs.

As an afterthought, I'm wondering what would happen if someone held a bake sale where whitey got the discount?

posted by Harvey at 3:36:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


John of Argghhh! has a link to a video of a nutcracker that he thinks I should get.

Hmmm... [checking video against Beloved Wife's picture and noting the similarity]

I think I married this woman.

posted by Harvey at 2:41:56 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


and now you know the truth.

(Link via Candy of Candy Universe (2-1-03 CTRL+F "bitchy"))

posted by Harvey at 2:33:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Pietro, at Smarter Cop has taken slight offense at my having referred to him as "stuffy" over one of his King of the Blogs reviews where he dissed Where The Hell Was I?'s brand of goofy humor. He explains thusly.

That depends on what you call 'goofy humor'. If you're referring to the smash-a-brick-over-your-head or fight-with-vegetables or holy-hand-grenade type of humor such as the type produced and performed by Monty Python, I have no such prejudices against it. If, however, someone came up to me and shouted "Look! I'm funny! Laugh, darn it! [Expletive Deleted] See? That's funny! I said a bad word! Wakka wakka!" I would not laugh, I would give them a polite kick in the head. That's not Monty Python type humor, that's Fozzie Bear type humor. Once you've learned irony and satire, it's hard to go back to yuk-yuks.

Fair enough. I stand corrected.

On the bright side, if Charlie's looking for an "about me" quote, here ya go:

Charlie is the Fozzie Bear of blog humorists.

posted by Harvey at 2:12:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks brought it up, so I tracked down the quote from a transcript of Futurama:

Gwen: My family has been making these hearts since the 1900's. Tastes may have changed but our secret recipe sure hasn't.

[She points to a machine mixing Bone Meal and Earwig Honey.

Sounds about right.

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Teresa's right. Why the F*** have I not heard about this story before?

posted by Harvey at 1:00:36 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


"if the police do not use pig fat in buses, tens of thousands of ultra-Orthodox Jews will arm themselves with toy water pistols filled with liquid lard to be used against terrorists,"

(via homicidalManiak)

posted by Harvey at 12:51:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Confused by those harsh and discriminatory bathroom door symbols?
Do you go to college in Beloit, Wisconsin?
Heather of Angelweave is here to help you out. Next time you need to pee, just look for this symbol.
(Additional hat tip to Boots & Sabers).

posted by Harvey at 12:39:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


WHOO-HOO! The Bartender's still not back yet, and, 35 comments later, the party's still going on at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Olive oil, Reddi-Wip, a Slip-n-Slide, and all the edible underwear you can eat.

Come join the fun.

Uh... no pun intended.

posted by Harvey at 12:12:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



My favorite place to be is inside of your hugs where it's warm and loving.

posted by Harvey at 12:02:57 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence. It will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.]

Unable to get "In God We Trust" removed from U.S. currency, the ACLU settles for "equal time".

posted by Harvey at 12:00:53 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, February 14, 2004


hM of homicidalManiak points out the existence of a web site that tells you which TV shows are currently available on DVD. This one's going in the "reference" section of my bookmarks.

Look! The Muppet Show! Cool!

Uh... anyone got $375 I can borrow?

posted by Harvey at 11:46:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Physics Geek pointed out a story about a teacher in upstate New York who provoked a little controversy with one of her assignments:

A 10th-grade social studies teacher caused a storm of criticism from parents after she conducted a lesson in which students were asked to debate the positive and negative effects of Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini and Joseph Stalin.

Positive effects of Hitler? Like... uh... for example?

medical experiments conducted on concentration camp prisoners during the Holocaust led to advancements in the medical field

Interesting theory. In a very specific way, I agree with her.

When judging anything to be either good or bad, there are always two implied questions: for whom? and by what standard?

The Holocaust is generally considered bad. For whom? The innocent people who were murdered. The standard? Murdering innocent people is bad.

The teacher looked at the Holocaust in a different context for her assignment, and concluded that, in that context, the Holocaust was good. For whom? The innocent people whose lives were saved by Holocaust-inspired medical experiments. The standard? Saving innocent people's lives is good.

From there, you can go on to judge whether the harm from the millions dead outweighed the good from the thousands saved, and it's so overwhelmingly obvious that it does that the question is never asked in polite company. However, I will say that in the isolated, well-delineated, and very specific context which I described above, it is true that the Holocaust was "good".

What bothers me about this story is NOT that the teacher chose an abnormal perspective on the Holocaust, it's the Principal's reaction:

"I believe it was inappropriate and insensitive to the Jewish students,"

To him, it's not about whether the teacher's statements were even slightly true in a very narrow context, it's about whether someone's feelings got hurt.

The "no child offended" standard of education pisses me off when howling moonbat leftists do it to keep kids from drawing a picture of soldier with a gun, and it pisses me off here, too. Context, facts, truth, arguments, discussion, reason, logic - all of it sacrificed to the gods of inoffensiveness. There's nothing wrong with making kids stretch their minds, even if it makes them uncomfortable, if for no other reason than the fact that discomfort is a part of life, and it does these children an unfathomable disservice to not teach them how to deal with that.

I don't know why the teacher chose her odd assignment. I also don't know how clear she was in informing her students that the tiny "good part" can't possibly outweigh the overwhelming "bad part". The story doesn't say. All I know is that children have to learn how to think and judge and reason, regardless of how it makes them feel, because only by doing so can they eventually become the vigilant citizenry capable of preserving and protecting the free nation in which they live.

posted by Harvey at 11:36:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


J of Quibbles & Bits pegs the bitter meter with a short list of reasons why the 70's sucked. Yeah, the music sucked, the color scheme sucked, the Presidents sucked, and ALL THAT HAIR! On the head, on the face, on the chest, on the crotch... just nasty.

One thing he missed was that particularly unpleasant shade of orange that was in a lot of places. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.

He hinted that he might try to come up with something good about the 70's. I can think of 4 things, but that's about it:

Boston's first album.
Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon".
Muscle cars.
Star Wars.

After that, I draw a blank. Anyone else have any ideas?

posted by Harvey at 10:23:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


There's a new permalink contest at IMAO, and there's still time to throw your hat in the ring. Instead of that multi-week mess that happened last time around, this is going to be one quick flash:

Write the funniest Top Ten list you can on a topic to be announced.

6 blogs enter, one blog leaves.

The twist is that Frank J. will be one of the entrants. He's assuming he'll win, and he'll just give a permalink to #2.

He may be right about that, but we'll see. The other twist is that, since I was First Loser in the last permalink contest, I'm entitled to a slot in this one. Which leaves 4 open slots, to be filled through random selection.

It's been 6 months since the last contest, and I've learned a LOT about funny since then. This is going to be interesting.

Oh, and speaking of funny, the twerp who pulled "One bullet at a time" out of his ass to screw me out of the big prize in the last contest?

He's not even blogging anymore.


posted by Harvey at 9:56:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

I SAW...

...Emperor Misha taking his kids out for a drive in the country. Looks like they had a good time.

posted by Harvey at 9:17:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Here are my judgments with scores omitted to retain suspense. The final results will be available at the KotB home page soon, and I'll let you know the outcome. If you're a betting man, put a couple on ChristWeb. He's gonna be tough to beat forever.

The Challenge Question this week: Why do you think what you have to say is important to blog readers?

GOOD POINTS: Wants his readers to attain enlightenment. Will make a fine Buddha some day.
BAD POINTS: Forgot to drop Jesus's name in the list of important things he has to say. Stephen should probably expect a small box of wrath to be FedEx'd to his door in the near future for the omission.

GOOD POINTS:  Bill comes clean about the source of his succinctness phobia. Apparently it was something he picked up in law school. He also takes the opportunity to LINK HIS OWN BLOG SEVEN FREAKING TIMES in one post. Such self-absorbed narcissism will serve him well should he step over Stephen's twitching corpse to ascend to the throne.
BAD POINTS: Took so long to finish reading this post, that, before I got the end, I had to stop to shave. Twice. This isn't the OJ trial, it's a blog entry. That nascent wit you're working on? Brevity is the soul of it.

GOOD POINTS: "I don't." he says. "YES!" I say.  Someone finally got the answer right by rejecting the premise of the question. Kudos, Charlie. Bonus for the phrase "upsnort Sanka".
BAD POINTS: I was going to take about 5 points off for tossing in all those gratuitous, stream-of-consciousness asides, but I had a growing-Grinch-heart epiphany – this sort of unplanned bizarrity IS Charlie. That aside, I must still remind him that throwing darts at stamps has nothing to do with chewing on gems. Please don't met your mixaphors.

NOTE: While it might seem unfair that I dinged Bill for prattling on, but not Charlie, I do so with reason. With Charlie, it's a deliberate technique – the shotgun approach to comedy: say enough things, and something will hit somebody's target. Bill, on the other hand, is a professional wordsmith, and should be able to tighten up his writing without losing anything in the process. I think he has the talent to do better in this area.


Technical things I look for:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

GOOD POINTS: He was technically perfect last week, he's still technically perfect this week.
BAD POINTS: I'm going to ding him slightly on the personality issue. I still don't understand his penchant for hiding his thoughts in an extended entry. Your thoughts are the reason people come to your site. I can see using extended entries to hide a joke's
punchline or to hide a picture as a courtesy to people on dial-up, but "too many words" isn't a good reason to use it. If people read an entry half way, they'll read to the bottom. Don't make them fumble for their mouse for no reason. It's distracting and unnecessary.

GOOD POINTS: Technically excellent. I like that he prominently displays a fix for a known bug in the sidebar.
BAD POINTS: If Stephen's misuse of extended entries is a misdemeanor, Bill's is a felony. Stop holding your words as political prisoners behind the iron bars of the extended entry links. Other minor flaws would be that the bug fix should be a little higher
so it can be seen without having to scroll down, and you might want to place that contact e-mail address on the front page as well as in the "about me" post.

GOOD POINTS: Technically perfect, plus I really like the contrasting color scheme between the sidebars and the middle column. I also like the prominent featuring of the search feature in the header, which space is usually eaten up by a banner on most blogs.
BAD POINTS: Gave KotB Judge Susie's ass a firm, wet smooch with his finely-tailored blogrolling of her, and completely ignored my hairy hinder. However, considering the rosy-cheeked delight that is Susie's sittin' spot, I guess I can't blame him.

posted by Harvey at 9:06:56 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Reid of PhotoDude doesn't like partisan labels, does not consider himself either Republican or Democrat, and gives a short list of reasons why he considers himself a "fence-sitter":

 On foreign policy I'm a distinct hawk (and was long before 9/11), who supported regime change in Iraq. I must be a Republican.

When it comes to social and domestic policies, I'm pretty liberal, and do not believe we need to amend the Constitution to define marriage. So I must be a Democrat.

I believe strongly in a balanced budget, and fiscal responsibility. I must be a Republican ... no, I can't even fake saying that with a straight face, given slashed taxes coupled with a 20% increase in discretionary spending, and a half trillion dollar deficit in the upcoming budget. But you know what I'm trying to say.

I'm pro-choice. That makes me a Democrat, right?

Oddly, I agree with him on all 4 issues, but I never considered myself "independent". From 1996 (I became politically aware rather late in life) to 9/11, I was a staunch Libertarian, and I couldn't find single thing in their official party platform that I disagreed with. Well, I was a little unsure about their "bring all the troops home and don't even twitch unless we're invaded" foreign policy, since I thought it was probably a good idea to have troops in the area if anything heated up, but I was willing to be flexible.

After 9/11, I did a lot of reading, and a lot of thinking, and I came to the realization that having troops all over the world was vital to intelligence gathering operations. If all the boys were at home, the murdering thugs of the world could plot, plan, and execute unmolested, and we really WOULD have to have the fight on our own borders. Bad idea.

So I can't even consider myself a Libertarian anymore, since the party's official line is dangerous, short-sighted, cowardly appeasement. This year I'll have to hold my nose and vote for Bush. Don't get me wrong - he's a hero in my eyes for his foreign policy actions since 9/11 - but domestically, he's been tossing cash around like the wobbliest of drunken sailors, and I hate him for that. But I want to live long enough to hate another day, so I'll do what I can to bring him back in November.

Meanwhile, I'll be eyeing that house in New Hampshire...

posted by Harvey at 8:51:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Thanks to Linus of Pepper of the Earth for finding the ACME Labs Heart Maker site for me. Too cool.

And since people expect me to take something sweet and innocent and make it bad and dirty, I shall oblige by telling you a secret. I'd rather be giving something else out besides candy hearts.

posted by Harvey at 8:29:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The party's still goin' on in the comments at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Free booze, loose women, and all the bar snacks you can wrestle away from Dana.

Hurry up & join the fun before the Bartender gets back & kicks everyone out.

Oh, and try not to step in any of the puddles on the floor of the Champagne Room...

posted by Harvey at 12:13:50 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, February 13, 2004


I want to wish a happy Valentine's Day to all the wonderful women on my blogroll who make my daily stroll through the blogosphere such a delight. In your honor, I share your lovely visages with the world.

From top to bottom:

Susie of Practical Penumbra
Heather of Angelweave
Lynn of Reflections in d minor
Dana of Note-It Posts
Jen of Jen's History & Stuff
hM of homicidalManiak
Teresa of Technicalities
Tiffany of Blown Fuse
LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone

And, of course, Blogless Beloved Wife who makes life so wonderful whenever I'm not surfing.

Thank you, ladies, one and all.

posted by Harvey at 11:54:07 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jeff of BigStick.US posted another picture.

Ya think he's... compensating for something?

posted by Harvey at 11:03:50 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Filthy Lie assignement round-up: Evil Glenn's movie remakes.

New Filthy Lie assignment: Write the Evil Glenn version of a fairy tale or nursery rhyme.

Some helpful advice on how to complete assignments, courtesy of Frank J., me, and Frank J.

posted by Harvey at 10:53:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I had just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging (or porn surfing, depending on which room Beloved Wife was in), when the phone rang...

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: AAAHHHH! Telemarketer!

Evil Glenn: Heh. Relax, currency freak, I'm just messin' with ya. It's just me, Evil Glenn:

Harv: Oh. That's not NEARLY as horrifying. Whaddya want, Puppy Blender?

Evil Glenn: I just called to gloat. I see the Alliance still hasn't succeeded in toppling me from my perch high in the unreachable stratosphere of the Ecosystem. You're SO pathetic.

Harv: And I see that you've been bumped down to #3 by a couple of no-talent script-kiddie hacker-wanna-bes.

Evil Glenn: Yes, *ahem*, well, you see, it's all part of my latest plan to... I mean... uh... I'm going to... um... YOU SHUT UP!

Harv: Anyway, why are you interrupting my mastur... uh, masterful blogging session?

Evil Glenn: Since the Alliance is powerless to stop me, I wanted to rub your nose in the fact that I'll soon be filthy rich.

Harv: By what foul means this time?

Evil Glenn: My Cayman Islands-based money-laundering front company, Evil Glenn Industries, recently purchased a Hollywood movie studio, as well as the rights to some VERY big name movies. I'm going to crank out some re-makes and before you know it, I'll be rolling around naked in piles of hundred dollar bills with my triple-action inflatable love doll, all greasy with Wesson oil, and...

Harv: EWWWW! Can we just get to the point before my connection to times out?

Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. AHEM...Ever since Thomas Edison first invented the movie projector, people
have sought the soul-stirring entertainment that only movies can provide. The first movies, although silent, were...


Evil Glenn: Fine. The Wizard of Oz.

Harv: Oh no. Toto!

Evil Glenn: Electric blenders hadn't been invented yet, but they DID have egg beaters back then. That little dog ain't gonna make it out of the basket this time. Heh.

Harv: You have no shame.

Evil Glenn: And did you ever notice that the Scarecrow looks like a hobo? I tell ya, the Tin Woodsman's ax is gonna get a pretty good workout.

Harv: You probably don't even have the decency to leave the flying monkeys alone.

Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm leaving those in. They make your Fearless Leader Frank J. wet himself in terror. Heh. Indeed.

Harv: I'll have to warn him not to see that one. What else ya got?

Evil Glenn: The Godfather. Man, talk about an offer you can't refuse.

Harv: Yeah, I saw some publicity stills from that one. Mookie still cries herself to sleep at night.

Evil Glenn: Ah, the sweet suffering of innocent children. How like the finest wine is its intoxication... Which is why when I remake 101 Dalmations, Cruella's coat-making scene...

Harv: Dear God!

Evil Glenn: Oh, I can hear them now, "Mommy! Mommy! Make the bad woman put down the skinning knife!" MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harv: Dude, you need help.

Evil Glenn: Help? Funny you should mention that. I'm re-doing that one, too. Except this time the Beatles will be playing selections from... Boxcar Willie's King of the Hoboes!


Evil Glenn: Hold on tight, the torture's just starting. I'm also doing Fellowship of the Ring.

Harv: No puppies in that one, how bad can it be?

Evil Glenn: With Jar-Jar Binks as Frodo? "Meesa no wansa carry da ring mista Gandalf! Sauron big nasty bad! Make Jar-Jar shakin' wit' da scared!"

Harv: You monster!

Evil Glenn: You want monsters? How about Monsters, Inc.? Little Boo gets blended to goo! Whirrrrrr! Chop! Chop! Chop! AIEEEEEE! Save me, Sully! *gurgle*

Harv: I can't take any more!

Evil Glenn: More? As in Michael Moore? Guess who plays the hard-lovin' hillbilly in the new Deliverance? "You shore gotta pretty mouf. I'm gonna make you squeal like a fictitious pig!"

Harv: You vile, despicable, inhuman beast!

Evil Glenn: Oh, that reminds me – Beauty and the Beast. Lumiere accidentally sets the place on fire, and everyone dies screaming in unimaginable agony. Except for Chip.

Harv: You're actually gonna let Chip live?

Evil Glenn: Sort of. In my version, the character's name is Shatter, if that tells you anything.

Harv: Geez, Glenn, have you no heart at all?

Evil Glenn: I do have a sensitive side, so I'm also doing Yentl

Harv: Barbara Streisand's anti-Semitic lesbian atrocity? Hey, maybe you're not so bad after all. How ya gonna fix this one? Does she fall overboard & get eaten by sharks?

Evil Glenn: Harvey, Harvey… You've forgotten… I'm EVIL! And to prove it, I'm going to re-make Yentl… EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ORIGINAL VERSION! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harv: You're a bad, bad man, Glenn.

Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Say, Harv…

Harv: Yeah?

Evil Glenn: Internet connection timed out yet?

Harv: What the? NOOOOOOO! My precious porn! You filthy, malevolent, subhuman bastard!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer [click]

Well, I hope you guys are happy. I got your stupid news on Glenn's movie remakes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go re-connect & try to find that site… let's see… Google… big... ass... firm… what the?… Microsoft? Wal-Mart? GE?… DAMMIT! What was…

Hey! Are you still here? Cripes! Would you let a guy have his privacy? I mean…


Oh yeah… that.


posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


2 more non-assignment-related lies are up at HQ. A pretty song and a dark revelation.

Speaking of nice pairs, let's take another gander at Susie's, just because we can.

posted by Harvey at 7:04:07 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, February 12, 2004



All the love that history knows,
Is said to be found in every rose.
Yet all the love that could be found in two,
Is less than what I feel for you.

[to which I added]

Happy 8 month anniversary :-)

[note: Yes, I still count the months, and yes, I still give her a single rose on every one. 58 and counting.]

posted by Harvey at 11:21:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Two questions:

Why do you suppose Young Master Fischer is looking for someone who sucks click, and why is he bragging about being a fussy eater?

posted by Harvey at 11:14:17 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm sure you've seen the "Yeti hits the penguin with a baseball bat" flash game here and there. Lots of fun.

I just wanted to brag about some of my scores:

Shortest non-zero hit: 79.8
UPDATE: 65.5

Shortest face-plant: 188.9

Longest face-plant: 207.6

Longest hit: 323.5

If you can beat any of those, I want to see pictures.

posted by Harvey at 10:23:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Larry the Liberal, guest-posting at Semi-Intelligent Thoughts, uses this story about tree marriage

Two trees "married" to appease rain god in Indian village

NEW DELHI (AFP) - Hundreds of people have attended a wedding between two trees in hopes of pleasing the god of rain, United News of India reported.

To the chanting of Hindu hymns, a cleric tied a knot on a neem tree, which was the bride, to solemnise its eternal union with a peepul tree, the news agency said.

to argue for the legalization of dendrophilic matrimony in America.

Frankly, I have to take Larry's side on this one. Unless we get these trees properly wed, we'll forever be faced with promiscuous lumber parading their immorality in ways that are not suitable to be seen from a place of business.

posted by Harvey at 10:12:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


While Susie was busy carefully choosing tiny tidbits of truth to share, Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks was blithely cranking out lie after lie to deceive the masses for his “100 things” post. For example:

17) I was listed in our school yearbook as "Student most likely to completely fail at everything he tries to accomplish".
18) I usually only mostly fail. Completely failing requires a dedication I lack. Once I hit about 75% failure, I usually give up.
19) Right out of high school I got a job up north clubbing baby seals.
20) I got the job easily, because all PGA tour certified drivers have to be tested on the skulls of baby seals (it's in the 3879 page addedum to the rules of golf. Most people don't know this).
21) I quit because I'd whiff and miss 3 out of 4 of the baby seals.
22) I'd usually shank the one I managed to hit to the right.
24) I really need to work on my golf swing.

If there’s anything I hate more than evil, deceiving, filthy liars, it’s evil, deceiving, filthy liars who make me laugh coffee out my nose.

<shaking fist>Damn you, Graumagus!</shaking fist>

posted by Harvey at 8:15:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #73... up at On The Third Hand. I honestly didn't find a lot to shout about. I'm a little burned out on Democratic Primary politics just now. But I did enjoy reading this piece by Forgotten Fronts.

Yes, it's on Demo-politics, but... well... it wasn't so much what the point of the piece WAS, as it was the piece's elegant construction. It read like Sorge wrote this on purpose instead of just letting a bunch of crap tumble randomly out of his head.

There's a nice personal-touch anecdote to get you warmed up, a little "where's he going with this?" hook early on, then he starts leading you toward his point with some relevant examples, then he makes his point, and then he stops writing.

Lord, what I wouldn't give to see this formula a little more often.

posted by Harvey at 8:06:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


First day on my blogroll and Jim of Snooze Button Dreams has already inspired a post.

The meme of the month is blogging rules, and Jim, impressively,  manages to carve the standard 10 down to 4. Although I think his version if fairly accurate, I do feel the need to try to top him (it's a guy thing). Therefore, I offer the E=mc2 of blogrules. The tiny equation that says it all:


I call it the Pretty F****** Obvious formula, Where:

P = popularity of your blog
F = how frequently you post
O = average degree of originality in your entries

Instapundit may post nothing but trite cliches and dead-horse-beaten memes, but he Gigaposts every day - thus his Ecospheric dominance.

Bill Whittle has never actually posted an entry in our lifetimes, but if he did, it would be so fantastically great and completely unlike every other post in the universe that, if he were to post before another half-life of carbon-14 ticks by, you would be compelled by unseen and irresistable forces to go read it immediately. He only has 13 posts of note, but over 750,000 visits. Now THAT'S power.

My advice for popularity? Aim between the extremes. Try to put up at least 2 posts every day, and try to have at least one of them be something you can't get anywhere else.

Make the other one a link to a Bad Money post.

You'll do fine.

posted by Harvey at 8:01:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Frank J. shows us all how the race card is SUPPOSED to be played.
posted by Harvey at 7:38:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I have.

Piece. Of. Shit.

(via Cox & Forkum)

posted by Harvey at 7:44:33 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...Roman Numeral counting skills as she rattles off 25 more things about herself, to accompany the 50 she gave us a few months back. Since they're all actually about her this time, it's actually just as revealing as the last list, which was half about the people she loves.

Good things to know if you're taking Susie out for Valentine's Day:

vi. My favorite white cheese is Muenster
vii. My favorite beer is Michelob Amber Bock

Things that frighten me:

xvii. I know all the words to "I'm just a little black rain cloud" from Winnie the Pooh
xviii. I sing it when I'm driving

And one thing that makes me shiver with delight:

xix. I love the Pre-Raphaelite painters

Susie neglected to give this link in that last one. I'd like to brag that I already knew about this crowd, but only because I Googled it a couple years back after hearing about them in the only mystery novel I've ever enjoyed called "Spent Matches".

posted by Harvey at 7:41:53 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jed of Boots & Sabers quotes this story at length, but I'll just go directly to my favorite part:

A convicted burglar sentenced in Calhoun County to 20 years in prison this week as a repeat offender had an unusual run-in with his victim.

The victim, Richard Bussey, says he drove up to his father's rural residence last summer and found a man loading furniture and other items into a pickup truck.

Bussey held a gun on the would-be thief and ordered him to return the furniture. Bussey didn't have a telephone, so he made 45-year-old Roy Andrew Gendron mow the lawn with a push mower until he could think of a plan to alert authorities.

I need this guy to stop by about twice a month during the summer. Pity he's in jail now. Mheh.

posted by Harvey at 7:14:31 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, February 11, 2004



This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life.

posted by Harvey at 11:35:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Psychiatrists say that anagram games work the same way as Rorschach tests, revealing hidden truths about a person's character.

I looked at this and got "ADULT ITEM"

Don't look at me like that. It means nothing. NOTHING AT ALL!

Stupid psychiatrists.

posted by Harvey at 11:32:56 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


While making my blogrounds at work today, I put all my witty commentary into a Word document so that I could send it to my home e-mail, then just do some copy & paste blogging tonight.

Guess which Word document I forgot to send to myself before I left work today?


posted by Harvey at 11:04:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Precision Guided Humor Assignment Round-up: Al Qaeda Recruitment Ad is up. Islamonutjobs will soon be stampeding to answer the call.

New PGH: What will the dead terrorists get instead of Paradise and 72 virgins?

Prior to burning the witches who haven't fulfilled their basic Alliance membership requirements, a public humiliation ceremony will be held on Saturday at Alliance HQ. Fair warning.

Filthy Lie assignment:
Give the title and a description of the movie classic(s) that Evil Glenn will be re-making is due Friday by 8pm.

posted by Harvey at 11:00:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon got stupid, left to doors to his booze emporium unlocked, and didn't leave anyone to watch the place. So as of right now, ALL DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!

Come join the party in the comments to the Barkeep's last post. If you see any of the Corner of the Bar Gang or Corner of the Bar Babes, spread the word.

We'll teach him to turn his back on us... cripes, ya think he would've learned his lesson after the last time we tore the place up.

posted by Harvey at 10:17:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD BLOGS... participate in the King of the Blogs Tournament. I'm stealing the short description from the KotB site:

I would like to introduce everyone to the King of the Blogs tournament, open to all blogs under size Large Mammals in the Truth Laid Bear ecosystem.

This contest is a two round competition, with a bye-week after the second round. In week one five blogs will enter to compete against the reigning "King of the Blogs" for the crown. The first round judges a submitted post, and a an answer to the Host's Challenge question. From these six blogs three advance, where their entire blog is judged, and once again the Judge's challenge question. There are six judges that will be judging your blog, and they change from time to time. In the end only one blog moves on, and the rest may comeback another day to try again.

Currently we are starting a new competition to pick the entrants to the tournament. This is the mini-challenge. Each bye week (the week after round two where the king reigns a week unchallenged) a slate of 10 blogs compete to enter the tournament, and challenge the king. To win, and thus compete in the next tournament, they must impress three judges with an answer to a challenge question, which can be no longer then 100 words long.

Interested? There's a sign up form here.

If you're looking for attention, I really recommend throwing your hat in the ring. I got my first big break in blogging through a blog contest, and had a lot of fun doing it.

posted by Harvey at 7:31:25 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, February 10, 2004


Take 5 seconds and see if you agree that MonkeyWatch has the perfect John Kerry picture and caption in his banner.

UPDATE 7:45am 2-11-04: proving my theory that Frank J. and Ed of MonkeyWatch are the same person, there's a Kerry-related post at IMAO.

posted by Harvey at 10:18:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



I love her, that is all I can say. I cannot find the words to do justice to the rest of my feelings.

posted by Harvey at 10:01:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[The Juggalos will come for you! feminem fan.]

The Caucasian Rap, or "Crap", turf-wars heat up and threaten blood in the streets as Insane Clown Posse fans and Eminem fans face off across America's currency. The general populace, however, remains unaware of the threat, due to its sudden fascination with a LEFT breast that has started popping out on monitors all across the country.

[hat tip to ErosBlog for the boobie pointer]

posted by Harvey at 9:58:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Lately I've noticed that the search form in my sidebar doesn't include the entered text when searching Google. I've noticed the problem with both Mozilla and IE. It used to work fine.

Here's the code:

<form action="" target="_blank">
<input name="as_q" type="text" />
<input class="go" type="submit" name="submit" value=" Search Bad Money " />
<input type="hidden" name="as_sitesearch" value="" />
<input type="hidden" name="as_q" value="+0126975" />

Any ideas? Did Google change something recently?

posted by Harvey at 9:32:16 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


A few months back, I mentioned that I got picked up by a Latvian humor blog (that sentence STILL looks weird) and I puzzled over what was written there.

A couple weeks ago, AnetiX, who was one of the commenters, got in touch with me and generously offered to translate the post and the comments as best he could:

- Uzgâju vienu lapu (weblogu) kur viens dþekiòs aiz
- naukodarît apzîmç naudu.
I find some page (blog), where some guy, when he has boring, he mark money.

- Tur 1 un 5 bankotas dolârus!
There is 1 and 5 dollar paper currency.

- Nez vai tas ir daudz, bet zçl ka Latvijâ nau tâda
- dzîve, ka varçtu naudu izmantot kâ zîmçðanas papîru!!
I don't know, it's much or not in there contry, but in Latvia
is not so good life, to money, can use to drawing paper.

- Ok, mees gaidiisim jauno paveersienu.
Ok, we will wait news (micro promise to make new PHP engine).

- AnetiX @ 20:29:55 25/9/2003
- We wish you a new style,
- We wish you a new style,
- We wish you a new style,
- And engins include.
This I think, not need translate. ;))

- :) Maz noveeleejums. ;) [RITMS: We wish you a merry
- cristmas.]
Little wish [RHYTHM: We wish you a Merry Christmas.]

- SpokS @ 21:35:36 25/9/2003
> man nez kapeec liekas ka "kopistiskajaa" blogaa buutu
> reaalaak spamot. Vairaak apmekleetaaju utt. Protams,
> katram gribaas lapaa buut adminam, bet nu.. Un ir veel
> 1 lieta. zinot kvalitaati, iespeejami arii db
> zudumi utt.
He speak about blogs and some servers. I'ts not about your page. ;)

- micro @ 23:33:22 25/9/2003
- Bûs vien jâpiekrît Spokam abos gadîjumos, ka
- megakrutâk ir rakstît kopçjâ blogâ un arî tas ka katrs
- vçlâs bût lapas admins! un arî to ka ir
- nestabilz! Mna tik radâs viena "pârkûlîga" ideja ::
- mosh vaºetu sarunâr ar lai manu domainu
- pârmaina no uz !!! ko par
- to Jûs sakat?
There he say, about my new hosting. :)

- SpokS @ 23:58:46 25/9/2003
- a varbuut AnetiX pac var ar Zigmaaru sarunaat hostinga
- vietu ;)
Some idea for me. :)

- micro @ 00:10:30 26/9/2003
- es jau tikai izteicu savu domu. (nau jau jâbïauj)
Not for you blog...

- Little_Hacker @ 00:15:30 26/9/2003
- ideja nav slikta.. a mozh sametamies naudu, nopeerkam
- kasti, domainu iireejam netu ?? :D /me smejas
Some idea to me.

- Gints @ 16:19:51 26/9/2003
- Nu bet ja buus kas tad te buus ??
Some idea for micro.

- micro @ 23:17:30 26/9/2003
- nu emm te paarcels anteixa coderu lapu!!!
Some idea to me.

There not nothing serious about your blog. All talk is about my
hosting, and some wish to micro blog. :) I hope, you help this text, to understand
what we say. :) I again apologize for my bad english knowledge. :(
Thank you AnetiX. You have made this humble blogger very happy. No need to apologize for your English. It's MUCH better than my Latvian :-)

Anyone else need some Latvian translated?

Oh, and THIS is universal.

Now that he's got permalinks, I think I'm blogrolling microDay Weblog. Not that I expect my Latvian to get any better, but I do find it fascinating to see how much I can make out in a language that doesn't have strong Greek or Latin roots.

And with pictures like this, who needs words, anyway? :-)

posted by Harvey at 8:53:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Somewhere in the dusty, rock-strewn desert of Afghanistan, Ahmed sits in a ragged tent, processing new Al Qaeda recruits…

Ahmed: Next!

Mohammed: I am Mohammed.

Ahmed: Geez, ANOTHER one? This is a beautiful land full of a proud and wise people. Why the HELL can't we name our children something besides freakin' MOHAMMED? What's wrong with Frank or Matt or Josh? I swear by Allah that if I have to write "Mohammed" on one more form I'll shove a scimitar up my own ass just to end the pain!… But enough of my troubles. What brings you here, dear friend?

Mohammed: I saw your ad for new Al Qaeda recruits laying in the camel-dung outside my hovel, and I am eager to lend my support for this noble cause. Such stirring words you have written!: "Wanted: Brave and intrepid soldiers to wage holy war on infidel American Satan-dogs. Help drive this cursed blemish from our sacred lands. Rewards are great, risks are small, and even if you die… Hey! 72 virgins! Let's hear a big WHOO-HOO for Allah!"

Ahmed: Yes, well... you have to understand... that was written some time ago, and certain… circumstances… have changed.

Mohammed: You mean we are no longer battling the blight of the kufr oppressors?

Ahmed: Oh, no, we are still battling. It's just that, well… ever since the victories… uh, TEMPORARY victories of the Americans in Iraq, we've had to make certain… er… cutbacks.

Mohammed: Cutbacks? I don't understand.

Ahmed: Well, with Saddam out of the picture, we've lost a major source of funding for training and equipment. Even the Saudi princes are afraid to support us for fear of angering the fearsome cowboy desecrators of all that is sacred.

Mohammed: Cowards! After we drive the Western Crusaders from our beloved sand, we shall slaughter the collaborators like pigs!

Ahmed: It is well to hear you speak so bravely! We are in need of such fearless men as yourself. On this, your first day of training, we will be teaching you how to fly a plane.

Mohammed: Yes! I will be proud to martyr myself by toppling another of Satan's towers with one of their own airplanes! ULULULULULU!

Ahmed: That's the spirit. Now, we used to have a 747 in Iraq to use for training. Sadly, it is now out of our hands. Uh… TEMPORARILY! Meanwhile, you will be using, uh… alterative training methods. Here… take this.

Mohammed: A piece of paper?

Ahmed: Yes. Now… fold it like this… and this… and back… and this part goes over here… no, the other way… yes… and one more… THERE!

Mohammed: A paper airplane?

Ahmed: We like to refer to it as a "budget-friendly training device". Now… imagine that you're piloting this…

Mohammed: But I don't know how to fly a plane!

Ahmed: Later, shahid, after we've untemporaried the 747… which will happen much sooner if you'll just SHUT THE F*** UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD BEFORE I BITCH-SLAP YOU WITH THIS KORAN!

Mohammed: A thousand pardons! I defer to the painful-looking leather-bound wisdom of Allah!

Ahmed: Better. Now... imagine that you're piloting this, and use it to destroy this scale model of the Empire Satan Building.

Mohammed: It's just a pyramid made out of empty plastic cups.

Ahmed: [bitch!][slap!] ARE YOU QUESTIONING ALLAH'S WILL?

Mohammed: OW! No, no! I will fly as Allah directs!

Ahmed: And make little airplane sounds while you do it… BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB!

Mohammed: Air…airplane sounds?

Ahmed: [raising the already spit- and blood-stained holy book] Koran 3:16 says MAKE THE DAMN SOUNDS!

Mohammed: Yes! Yes!… uh… bpppprpprrprpbbbp…

Ahmed: LOUDER! This is a 4 engine Boeing, not a damn Lawnboy! Put your lip into it, man!


Ahmed: Better, better… now, DESTROY THE SYMBOLIC PENIS OF SATAN!

Mohammed: BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB! […tap…][sound of empty plastic cups
hitting the desert sand]

Ahmed [raising Koran menacingly]: mmmm?

Mohammed: uh… CRASH! BOOM! AIEEEEE!

Ahmed: Excellent! Excellent! We'll make a martyr out of you yet.

Mohammed: Yes! I can almost feel the 72 virgins promised by Allah caressing my tiny withered loins already!

Ahmed: Uh… Mohammed…

Mohammed: Yes? ([fantasizing] mmmm… that's right my sweet nymphs… fondle my
mighty sewing needle… uh, SWORD!)

Ahmed: About those 72 virgins… it seems the Americans have been slaughtering us like dogs lately, and…

Mohammed [coming cloudily back to reality]: Hmmm… What?

Ahmed: Uh… I mean... many, MANY brave martyrs have earned their promised reward in the last few months, and… well… we're a little short on virgins right now…

Mohammed: I won't get 72?

Ahmed: No, no… it's not that. You'll still get 72, except they're not quite virgins…

Mohammed: Well, perhaps it IS better that they have a LITTLE experience in the ways of man-pleasure. 72 young, nubile…

Ahmed: Uh… neither, actually.

Mohammed: Slim? Flexible?

Ahmed: Not so much…

Mohammed: Just what will I be getting.

Ahmed: 72 French whores.

Mohammed: I've never been to France. What are the women like there?

Ahmed: Hairy, snaggle-toothed, and they smell like ass.

Mohammed: Ah! Then it will be just like making love with my sweet Fatima

Ahmed: Your wife?

Mohammed: My camel.

Ahmed: Ah, yes. Nothing beats "bumping the hump".

Mohammed: That's good enough for me. I'm in.

Ahmed: Praise Allah!… Ali! We have another recruit! Take Mohammed out back for small arms training.

Ali: Very good. [as they walk away] Now, take this stick, point it at that rock over there, and shout BANG!

Ahmed: NEXT!

Mohammed: I am Mohammed, and…

Ahmed: awwwww CRAP!...


posted by Harvey at 7:05:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In this WWII re-enactment, the part of the French Army will be played by the trees.

posted by Harvey at 6:35:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


hM of homicidalManiak is almost out of the Air Force, and has posted a list of 20 things she learned. If you've ever served, I really recommend this post. You'll be nodding your head at such things as:

6. You never realize how much freedom you really do have until you actually have to get permission to use the bathroom.
7. It is entirely possible to be nicknamed Mario (Andretti) when you are driving a bus that only does 60mph -- for other people, anyway -- on the autobahn.
8. If you are at work for more than 12 hours nobody really cares if you are being silly on the radio.
9. If you are doing school work at work, make sure your book is not laying on the button for speaking into the radio.

But the one that gave me the biggest smile was #17:

17. Whenever you watch a movie involving the military in any capacity you will immediately notice all the wrong things involving the uniform and customs and courtesies.

I'm especially bad about this one in one particular area. In the movie Star Trek IV, Chekhov goes on board the aircraft carrier Enterprise to collect some high energy photons from the reactor in the #4 Main Machinery Room (MMR).

Two problems here. First, the Enterprise was deployed when they made this movie, so they had to shoot it on board the USS Ranger (they mention this in the credits). Second, I actually spent about 3 of my 4 years on the Enterprise assigned to the #4 MMR. The nits I could pick are endless, minute, and skull-crushingly dull.

So far, I've only tortured Beloved Wife with these. The rest of you may offer up prayers of thanksgiving to whatever deity or deities you may worship that I've spared you.

posted by Harvey at 6:34:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Lynn over at Reflections in d minor brought it up, and there's some interesting discussion in the comments.

I've gotten a few e-mailed link requests recently. They were painfully generic, and easily dismissed. Although I understand that some people enjoy trading links (*cough* Kevin *cough*), and I'm very supportive of the "doesn't hurt to ask" theory (*cough* Marty *cough*), I don't bother with these sorts of impersonal requests.

My blogroll is my bookmarks list of daily reads. I keep it short enough that I can make it through every day. If I have extra time, I check my referrer logs. I click on any strange names I find, and if they keep popping up, I keep going back. After a while, if I keep liking what I see when I go there, they make the blogroll and I make time for them in my daily routine. That's how Note-It Posts, homicidalManiak, The Cheese Stands Alone, Pepper of the Earth, and ErosBlog got there. Admittedly it's going to get harder and harder to make it to my sidebar as time goes by, because I only have so much free time. But that's still your best shot at getting there.

Oh, and leaving comments helps put you on my radar screen, too. Referrer logs might be hit & miss, but I read ALL my comments.

posted by Harvey at 6:20:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty O'Blackfive has proposed National Drink Beer Day.

Isn't that like having Nemo propose National Swim In Water Day? 

posted by Harvey at 6:11:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Susie's NAKED!

Unfortunately, her digital camera has beal, so pictures aren't posted yet.

However, the verbal's good enough for me, since I was bitten by a radioactive Hustler magazine as a teenager, and I now possess superhuman fantasizing abilties.

posted by Harvey at 6:09:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If you're going to smoke cheap cigars in your car before coming into my bank, please crack a window. Or bring me a bucket to puke in. Whichever.

Eh. I shouldn't complain. At least my customers aren't bringing me treasures like what Owen of Boots & Sabers discovered.

posted by Harvey at 6:05:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... and those are the good parts of this week's Bonfire of the Vanities experience over at d-42.

First, though, I have to apologize for violating a sacred trust. Apparently I made the unforgivable mistake of submitting a post that the host actually ENJOYED:

This entry is my favorite from the week's Bonfire. It's by Harvey of Bad Money, and it's about how a study has shown that men can take more pain when it's inflicted by women. I know the truth: we just don't want to appear as wusses.

As punishment, not only will I link the worst joke ever to be put into pixels (with the possible exception of every single Kang A. Roo joke the Bartender ever posted), I will actually blogroll the poster - Jim of Snooze Button Dreams.

Actually, I've been considering doing that anyway - on and off - for months, since every time someone says "Go see what Jim posted", it's always worth the trip. That, and I'm on his Really Silly Shit list (which is, as we all know, what RSS really stands for).

Ok, Jim, start entertaining me. I'll just be over here slamming tequila shots, trying to get the taste of that Tom Jones joke out of my mouth.

posted by Harvey at 6:02:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, February 09, 2004



A rich man may have many things, a poor man even less, but I have what no man has, and that is your love.

posted by Harvey at 11:25:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Designer Frank Bielec turns this dull, drab 10-spot into festive parade of purple that you'll almost hate to spend! Next, on TLC's "Trading Currency".

posted by Harvey at 11:23:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


It's sad watching the Dean campaign implode, mostly because I enjoyed watching the funny monkey caper about. That, and the thrilling challenge of trying to figure out the phonetic spelling of THE SCREAM. Other than that, I don't pay much attention to him.

But Dave Winer (the same one, I believe, who I love/hate for creating the Radio blogging software I use) has all kinds of brilliant, insightful opinions on the Dean campaign train-wreck.


Reid of PhotoDude, however, in the process of making observations on those opinions, brought up a statistic that fascinated me:

A few small problems with that "key point." 35-40% of Americans still do not have the easy access to the Internet that those on Mount Olympus assume is as common as water out of a tap. Of the 60-65% of American households who do have Internet access, perhaps (if we're generous) 20% of them know what a weblog is, or visit one on a regular basis. That works out to about 10% of the US population.

Entirely coincidentally, Dean has gotten about 10% of the vote nationwide in primaries so far. Go figure.

About a third of America is Net-less, and about a tenth of this country is even partially clued in to what a weblog is. Meanwhile, 98.2% of American households have a TV.

It's that simple.

In TV terms, we're in about 1955, when 2/3 of American households had a TV. The 90% threshold wasn't crossed until 1965. So I think it's safe to say it will be at least another Presidential election, or maybe two, before Internet penetration reaches the point where Dave's statement will be true. Then we will have reached a point where any citizen has easy access to alternate information on the Internet.

It's only 1955 in the digital age.

I look in worshipful awe at my cable modem, and my 1GHz processor and my megapixel digital camera, and the rest of my instant-gratification digital goodies - the toys that make like such fun - and I realize...

It's only 1955.

It's all just beginning.

What I have now is NOTHING compared to all the cool stuff coming down the pike.

And I shiver in joyous anticipation, because I can't WAIT for the future to get here.

It's. Gonna. Be. Fun.

I wonder what the internet equivalent of color TV will be?

posted by Harvey at 10:55:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If you've ever had sinus-related misery, you NEED to check out Linus' description over at Pepper of the Earth. It's too carefully crafted to pull an excerpt that would do it justice, so I'll just say it's less than a 60-second read.

Drink Alert in effect.

posted by Harvey at 10:48:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm finally getting my $5 worth out of Jeffy BigStick's digital camera. In this first picture he's posted from France, we see the gorgeous blue mountains of... somewhere... in the distance. In the foreground, we see... well... dirty buildings & narrow streets.

Fine, I'll just caption it:

In France, everyone stays inside, trembling & cowering, in observance of National Surrender Day.

posted by Harvey at 10:44:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Confessing to a geek deficiency when it comes to playing music CD's on her CD-ROM drive, LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone also made another confession - she names her computers. The last one was Fred. The current toy is Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel.

How weird is that?

Around my house, not very. My computer has the disconcerting habit of randomly giving no visual input to the monitor on start up. A flick (or 2 or 3) of the ol' on-off switch fixes it right up, but it's still quite annoying.

With that in mind, you'll understand when I tell you that I named mine Mr. Cranky, after the movie reviewer who hates everything. I even have the Mr. Cranky Gagging Ball logo as my desktop wallpaper (single image, centered).

He may be curmudgeonly & irritable, but that computer is the devil I know, and I'm familiar with most of his quirks, so I put up with him.

Beloved Wife's computer, on the other hand, was never named, but the word spoken most often in its presence was DAMMIT!, so maybe I should get it a nametag that says as much.

posted by Harvey at 10:38:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Pete, guest posting at Jen's History & Stuff, was appalled by the recent story of a protest that took place in New York featuring men who wanted to wear skirts in public. At the end of the rant, he asked:

Does anyone out there know of a man who wants to wear a skirt in public?

Yes, yes I do. When I was going to college in Madison, I delivered pizza to pay the bills. One of my fellow delivery drivers was a very friendly, very intelligent young college student who I got along with very well, despite some of his crazier liberal political leanings. I will forever owe him an unrepayable debt in that he introduced me to Babylon 5, and even loaned me all 5 seasons of his bootlegged tapes to get me hooked. Did the same for Farscape, too.

Great guy. Geeky in a Trek, Macintosh, and RPG kind of way, and loads of fun to hang around with. His only real quirk was that he liked to wear skirts. He wasn't gay, and it wasn't a "thrill". It was, as he put it, "a comfort thing". He was so cool in every other way, that I just kinda went *shrug* - whatever - on the skirt issue.

The thing is, he wasn't all crazy-militant about it like those freaks in New York. He was very nonchalant, and if people stared, I don't think he even noticed.

So, yeah. I say if you want to wear a skirt because it's comfortable, go right ahead. Just remember that it's only an article of clothing, not a political statement. Don't lose your perspective.

posted by Harvey at 10:29:53 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Dana of Note-It Posts was amused by my commentary on panty lines, and made me her "quote of the day".

Interestingly, in the comments, Tiffany of Blown Fuse had this to say:

Then I guess someone should spill the beans and say that sometimes us girls stare hard to determine "boxer or briefs?"--it's a very exacting science, although most men rarely have visible undie lines. Those who do, know who they are.

Well. I'll. Be. Damned.

Ok, this is news to me. I never suspected my scrawny little hinder ever got a second look, much less a stare. Actually, mine probably never did. So I want to hear from the rest of the ladies... who else has done this?

And just for the record... briefs. Adjust your gaze accordingly.

posted by Harvey at 10:11:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, February 08, 2004


hM of homicidalManiak has an intelligent post about the importance of not taking things out of context. She argues that, even though the left does it a lot, one should still strive, as a matter of fairness, to only address arguments as they were intended to be made, and to NOT let partisan biases interfere with your objectivity.

Ok, I'm lying. hM's post is actually about how she's REALLY hot for me and it's undeniable proof that she wants me SO BAD. As evidence, I offer these words, which were taken directly from her post:

you'll do it for you...please...just do...that...thing.

I categorically deny that I took them out of context.

posted by Harvey at 11:56:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



All through the night I'll be standing over you.
All through the night I'll be watching over you.
And through bad dreams, I'll be right there.
Holding your hand, telling you everything is all right.
And when you cry I'll be right there telling you
You were never anything less than beautiful.
So don't you worry.
I'm your angel standing by...

posted by Harvey at 11:33:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


As he boarded the plane for Honolulu, Peyton Manning patted his pockets frantically for his lucky dollar, but soon remembered that he'd left it on his kitchen table. "Oh well," he thought, "I'm sure I won't need it. I've got a really good feeling about this game."

posted by Harvey at 11:27:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


After taking a little time off for some conceptual re-tooling, the King of the Blogs Tournament has returned and this time around it's pretty darn good. I'm a little sad that Marty from Vigilance Matters wasn't around to judge this week. He has some of the best reviews. That, and he appreciates goofy humor, which some of the stuffier judges don't.

Here are my takes on the contestants' entries. The other reviews are here.

GOOD POINTS: Loved the quote from the idiot liberal professor, as well as this zinger: "Is this rise of conservative viewpoints among youth caused by liberal mothers aborting their children?"
BAD POINTS: This post covers 2 topics: "idiot liberals on campus" and "the decline of liberalism as a youth trend". Mixed together as they were, the post seemed a little jumbled. Might've been better as 2 separate, more tightly focused posts.
SCORE: 7.5

GOOD POINTS: You are puny. Dan will crush you. Arnie rocks, and Dan's in top form in this homage to one of my favorite silly violent action flicks, Commando.
BAD POINTS: None visible

GOOD POINTS: Female Groomsmen? Obviously a sign of the apocalypse! However, it's still a well-constructed piece. Gives you just enough background to understand the players and never prattles off onto an irrelevant tangent - an easy thing to do when telling a wedding story.
BAD POINTS: My personal preference. More active verbs, fewer passive ones. Forgo, when possible, the evil verb "be" and its dark minions. They dull your writing.
SCORE: 8.5

GOOD POINTS: In her introductory musings, she lists several strong female movie characters worthy of emulation. In her answer, she gives us an honest glimpse of who she is by her selection.
BAD POINTS: I think Anastasia missed the point on this question somewhat. You could have been ANYONE, but you played it safe by sticking with a fairly earthbound character. Next time, dream big.

GOOD POINTS: Well-written, well-argued, informative. I had no idea that the border patrol had a catch & release program
BAD POINTS: Went off on a couple tangents toward the end. The point about needing to spend more money on renting detention cells is well taken. The side thoughts on jobs and terrorism were off-topic, and didn't belong in this post.

GOOD POINTS: There can be only one, and Stephen makes a compelling argument that being that immortal one would be fun, exciting, and fulfilling.
BAD POINTS: Has the audacity to disagree with Zefram Cochrane that immortality consists largely of boredom. However, since Stephen wouldn't be spending his life trapped on an isolated planet with a gaseous girlfriend, I'll give him a pass.

GOOD POINTS: Manages to blather on for 12 pages on the sorry premise of being a stand-up comedian. I find myself not bored. Entertained, in fact. Ok, amused. All right, all right, I confess. I laughed.
BAD POINTS: Yet another blogger that I'll never be funnier than. I hate these people.

GOOD POINTS: Talks about naked Heather Graham
BAD POINTS: Insane stream of consciousness humor, while generally a good thing, doesn't work here. A question needed answering, and a more focused format was in order.

GOOD POINTS: Makes a compelling argument that iTunes 99 cents per song pricing model is flawed, and that older, less popular songs should be cheaper.
BAD POINTS: Must've gotten paid by the word for this piece. Could've made the point more succinctly.

GOOD POINTS: Really got into the question and makes half a dozen cogent analyses of which character would be good to be.
BAD POINTS: Uh, you REALLY only needed to answer the question ONCE. I know that sometimes you have to do some preliminary writing to get the creative juices flowing, but once you have the gold, discard the silver & bronze. Make the DELETE key your friend.

After everything was totaled, Where the Hell Was I?, Walloworld, and Christweb made it to the next round. Southern Musings and Pragmatic Conservatism get beaten with sticks, tossed in the dumpster, and left for dead.

We'll see how it goes next week. Should be interesting, since the top 3 scored within a 2 point range.

posted by Harvey at 11:00:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I've owned various & sundry computers over the last 10 years, and I'm not a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination. Many's the time I've stuck my hands deep into the guts of my computer to replace this, that, or the other chunk of hardware, and it usually turned out ok in the end.

Not this time.

Beloved Wife's computer started getting extra-unstable last month, and finally quit working entirely around Christmas. After some poking & prodding with much assistance from Blogless Brother Tom - who is forever performing meatball surgery on his own silicon pets, and really knows his way around "under the hood" - we determined that the motherboard was fried.

No problem. Just order up a new one & slap it in.

Except the one we got was a useless piece of crap.

No problem. Just order up another one & send that one back.

Except that shortly afterwards, Beloved Wife's hard drive underwent a mechanical failure and became a paperweight.

No problem. Ok, not much of a problem. At least the motherboard is good, and we can just slap a different hard drive into it and get her a working system to start over on.

"Ah," said the computing gods, "a challenge"

Tom & I installed a hard drive that worked just fine in my own computer, and was now laying around as a spare since I got a bigger hard drive. It worked mostly fine & dandy until we tried installing the driver for the video card, and the whole system got flaky.

Screw it. Re-format the hard drive, put on a clean copy of Win 98, and everything should be fine.

HA! Flake! Flake! Flake!

Re-format, re-install... F***!

After a total of 7 hours of this nonsense, we gave up in despair at the insanity of it. New motherboard, new CD-ROM drive, new video card, and no sane reason for this system to NOT purr like a kitten.

We're going to make a last ditch attempt to try a new 20G hard drive, and after that, we're gonna take it out into a field somewhere and beat it like the "Office Space" fax machine.

Meanwhile, I think it's time to just let Beloved Wife pick something nice off a shelf somewhere for Valentine's day.

posted by Harvey at 4:44:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Tiffany points to the story of a 40-year-old British woman whose chastity belt set off the alarm at airport security.

Since most normal people don't wear, and have probably never seen, a chastity belt - and those nasty people at the news didn't give pictures - you can check out this pic of an antique chastity belt over at ErosBlog.

Nasty teeth on that baby.

As always, use discretion when visting ErosBlog, as it tends to have, shall we say, exotic imagery in the sidebars.

posted by Harvey at 1:27:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Darren Kaplan went on vacation and left his blog unguarded.

Everyone's invited to come on over and be silly and/or obnoxious in the comments to this post.

Bring your party hats!

posted by Harvey at 1:00:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, February 06, 2004



If I had a flower for every time you made me smile, I'd be walking in an endless garden.

posted by Harvey at 10:13:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


When 70 years old you reach, look this good you will not.

posted by Harvey at 10:11:36 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Favorite Web Sites spreads its dark shadow, although I tried to balance it out with cute kitten pictures.

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Give the title and a description of the movie classic(s) that Evil Glenn will be re-making.

Tell the truth & shame the devil. I'm actually looking forward to the version of Cinderella where the evil stepsisters get shoved into a blender at the end, even though, technically, those bitches are a little old to be considered puppies.

posted by Harvey at 10:00:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I swear, Glenn Reynolds's computer has to be THE easiest hack in cyberspace. It's like he's never even HEARD of firewalls! Then again, he's more of a dork than a geek, so I guess I shouldn't expect much in the way of techno-cunning.

Popping open his "favorites" folder, I found the following sites bookmarked:…hobos.html

I was repulsed, but somehow not surprised, at this list. However, I soon discovered a link that indicated a depth of depravity that I had not heretofore expected. I knew Glenn had some strange fetishes, but to enjoy this sort of weird, sick, disgusting, depraved foulness?

I guess he's just trying to give Divine a run for his money in the "filthiest person alive" contest.



posted by Harvey at 7:43:12 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, February 05, 2004



If now were going to be the last moment of my life, the first thing I would want to do would be holding you in my arms, my love.

posted by Harvey at 10:58:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Presidential Fun Fact: The Whipple Administration is best remembered for its introduction of "squeezably soft" currency.

posted by Harvey at 10:48:39 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty O'Blackfive gives hot tips on getting maximum exposure for your blog.

Which sentence is NOT a euphemism for posting Janet Jackson boobie pictures.

posted by Harvey at 10:40:58 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


At the suggestion of Beloved Wife - who complained that I only had one teeny-weeny link to my front page, and that it was buried almost unfindably in my sidebar - I've now added a Home link at the bottom of each entry. Hope this helps.

Or should I call it "Main", instead, like all the cool MT bloggers?

posted by Harvey at 10:30:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


For those wondering what former-comment-angel and current beautiful bloggerette Teresa of Technicalities actually looks like, she's posted a picture of herself in her "about me" post.

Either that or Agent Scully is investigating a mysterious extra-terrestrial-tire sighting.

posted by Harvey at 10:15:15 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Recently, while complaining about some idiot customers, Susie of Practical Penumbra had this to say:

Why do perfectly nice, normal people turn into idiots when they become customers?

Customer (looking at the schedule board hanging over my head in the ticket booth window): "So the next two shows are Scary Movie 3 and The Missing? Is that all?"

Susie: "Well, we only have two theaters, so we can only show two movies at one time." (thinking: muhahahah, except for the secret theater in the secret basement where we show secret movies at secret showtimes...)

Which led me to wonder... What WOULD be showing in the secret theater?

I have a few guesses:

Some movies you've never heard of:

CGI Wars: Jar-Jar vs. Gollum

The Mediocre Hulk

Spiderman 2: Oops...Splat!

The Godmother

Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy vs. Bambi

Dr. Spamlove, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Love Unsolicited Commercial E-mail

Pulp Fact

South by Southeast

Peter Jackson Presents: Jim Henson's "The Hobbits Take Manhattan"

The Seventh Sense

Lawrence of Suburbia

Some movies you have heard of, but slightly different versions:

Batman Returns - this one featuring a cellophane catsuit

Titanic - the happy ending - where Rose is the one who drowns

Matrix 1, 2, and 3 - less talking, more fighting

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - as expected, the French surrender and hand over the Grail without a fight.

2001: A Space Odyssey - they actually take a few minutes to explain all that weird crap at the end.

Finding Nemo - well, whaddya know? Fish ARE food after all.

Casablanca - Rick pistol-whips Victor and gets on the plane with Ilsa. Louis surrenders to the bottle of Vichy water.

Silence of the Lambs - Clarice tries on the "woman suit",  likes what she sees, and starts life anew as a size 14.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - that "chase scene" lasts 90 minutes.

The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy decides that, while there really is "no place like home", home sucked. She then accepts the position of Madam at the Emerald City cat house.

Alien - Ripley gets eaten. Jonesy just laughs.

Toy Story - Woody & Buzz end up as the puppy's chew toys. Hilarity ensues.

Now, if only I can get Susie to tell me when the secret showtimes are...

posted by Harvey at 9:49:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


While working at the bank today, I happened to accidentally look at the butt of one of the shapely young college girls that was working there (don't look at me like that, I told you it was an accident), and I couldn't help noticing an absence of panty lines. I assumed that she was doing the whale tail thing and wearing a thong. I understand thongs are popular amongst women for that very reason - they eliminate those "horrible, horrible panty lines".

Ladies, don't get me wrong. It's a free country, and however you choose to wrap your goodies is fine by me (especially if I get to be the one doing the unwrapping later). However, WHY would you want to eliminate panty lines?

I like panty lines.

I think they're damn sexy. They're like little instruction sheets that say "put hands HERE". Very useful for scripting up flash fantasies and/or general lusting.

They are a GOOD thing, because they make a man (or, at least, this man) think about your panties, and the treasures contained therein.

Thongs may make for a great cut when you're wearing a bikini, but when it comes to everyday undies, I say stick with the line-makers.

posted by Harvey at 8:04:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Lynn of Reflections in d minor points to Die Puny Humans who points to this piece from the BBC News site, which says, in pertinent part:

Pain from a woman will hurt less

Pain hurts less when it is inflicted by a woman, researchers have found.

Students were asked to put their fingers in a clamp which was tightened until the pain was unbearable.

Researchers from the University of Westminster found that people allowed women to turn the clamp much further than men.

I've spent my life studying this very topic, and I have to agree. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Beloved Wife to do some more research...

Hi Honey! I've been bad again!


mmmm... 3 on a 10 scale...

By the way, am I the only husband whose wife laughs like a lunatic whenever he gets hurt?

posted by Harvey at 7:46:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Look John, we're all sorry to hear that your campaign went down the toilet, but for God's sake, we beg of you:

Where's Dirty Harry when you need him?

posted by Harvey at 7:38:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Normally I'm all over any kind of sweet chocolaty dessert that you leave unguarded for more than 5 seconds, but when Trey pointed out these tasty morsels that were just laying around for the taking over on The Amatuer Gormet's kitchen counter, I have to admit I hesitated.

But in the end...

Lord... I am weak.

posted by Harvey at 7:30:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


It's pretty much a science fiction movie cliche that at some point, the oh-so-advanced alien emissary will look down his nose (or lack thereof) and make some snooty, almost Frenchly haughty remark about what a primitive species we are because we "kill each other".

Via Carnival of the Vanities #72, I found the perfect response at Solomonia:

From the stars, we can look down on the Earth, and imagine all the tiny people, and their petty wars, and their petty conflicts, and wonder why all those souls, who appear not even as ants to us floating up above, why they have to kill each other, why they must cause so much pain to one another when they are surrounded by

But then we remember...they kill each other, yes...but they...those tiny, tiny specks too minute for the eye to see...they save each other, too.

Take that, Chirac From Outer Space.

posted by Harvey at 7:20:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Now gracing my sidebar is this delightful quote from Beth of She Who Will Be Obeyed:

"...a very, very sick person."

the entirety of which you can find in context in the comments to this post at The Cheese Stands Alone.

posted by Harvey at 7:15:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I love Matty O'Blackfive like a brother, but he's just getting out of hand here. In this post, he refers to Teresa of  Technicalities as the Honorary Mom of Blackfive (HMOB). I'm sure he means well, but let's do the math.

I have it on relatively good authority that Teresa is 29. That's "is" in the Clintonian sense of the word, but still "is". As further evidence, I offer the facts that she is both proud of her boobies (look for the Bloggers With Boobies logo), AND a full-fledged Corner of the Bar Babe. Note that she's not a Corner of the Bar Mom.

Matty just had a birthday recently, and since he declined to state his age, I am forced to assume it's something REALLY bad that he doesn't want anyone to know about, like 50.

Now, if I were a devastatingly beautiful 29-year-old like Teresa and some dirty old man called me his mother, I'd be steaming mad.

Maybe you should take it back while you can, Matty.

posted by Harvey at 7:42:31 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, February 04, 2004



When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love.

posted by Harvey at 11:13:16 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[no planes   no gas   no smoking   1-800-ORANGEL]

After the Green Party blew their entire campaign war chest on hammering out the details of their 2004 party platform, they realized that they couldn't afford the 1-800-GOGREEN toll-free phone number they wanted. Embarrassed, but desperate, they settled for one of the few numbers that hadn't been taken yet, later claiming in their literature that the selection was deliberate because "making the right choice between Democrat or Green is like making the right choice between devil OR ANGEL".

posted by Harvey at 11:11:21 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Marty of Vigilance Matters recently added an innovative feature to his blog. A column to the right of the main text portion he's entitled "The Third Rail". It's a collection of various & sundry well-written posts from hither and yon on controversial topics. I kind of like the idea, although I'm not quite man enough to try to prod one of those suckers into my template myself (hmmm... maybe I should consult HammerHead Blog Designs...).

The other interesting thing he did was leave this message in my comments after putting one of my entries on the rail:

[pseudo trackback from the third rail]

Since my outgoing trackbacks still don't work (and never have) I'm thinking maybe I should start leaving something like that in the comments of posts I link to.

It's got possibilities.

posted by Harvey at 10:49:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


You know when you get on a roller coaster, and you go up that first REALLY big hill? You can feel the jerks & tremors & the clacking of the wheels on the track as you go insanely up and up. You know that something is coming, but except for the ground falling away, it's just anticipation that's doing most of the work on your nerves.

Then you crest the hill.

And you plunge.

A while back, I mentioned that J. of Quibbles & Bits had a new story in progress.

Whisper is finished now. It's about a 10-15 minute read. Make sure you don't get interrupted, because once you're into it, you won't want to come out until it's over.

And even then... 

posted by Harvey at 10:25:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I LOVE eBay. It's like the Google of shopping. If you can imagine it, you can find it for sale, and probably at a reasonable price.
The thing is, as American Digest points out, when you host several million auctions, the occasional... oddity... will creep in.

Things to note:

Number of bidders.
Current bid.
Auction end date. 

posted by Harvey at 10:19:44 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon has part 2 of the Lush Lexicon. Some of my favorites from this round include:

Deja booty
When a drunk inexplicably has sex with the person he swore he would never speak of or to again, never ever.

Drinking in stereo
Boozing with a drink in each hand.

Felony juice

Fugly bus
The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you're in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.

Grog monster
The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have went home and passed out.

Jumping on the grenade
When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member "jumps on the grenade" by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.

I left some more over there.

Heh. Kamikaze eyes...

posted by Harvey at 10:10:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Regarding this post from Susie of Practical Penumbra:

Good points: Contains the line: "teenagers, as I know too well, are to drama as cows are to methane"

Bad points: Complains about a class where she gets to spend 75 percent of her time thinking about sex.

posted by Harvey at 10:06:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The Precision Guided Humor assignment round-up for troll-bashing is shining like Venus in the morning sky. English classes, enlightenment, sympathy, praise, rejection, more praise, poetry, and a 10-step program - it's ALL there. Not to mention my first girlfriend.

New PGH: Write an Al-Qaeda recruitment ad.

Filthy Lie reminder: What are Evil Glenn's favorite web sites? due Friday the 6th by 8pm CST.

posted by Harvey at 10:05:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I discovered that Five Star Flags mentioned my graffiti-currency hobby/obsession/insanity, and I stand flattered.

In the same entry, I found a link to a post at Jenville that FINALLY finds a use for all those teeny-weeny 20's on the back of the new-new-style $20 bill. Can you say "connect the dots"?

posted by Harvey at 9:36:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I see you jumping on the stage
To crap upon our clean web page
Bitter twit, you whine and snivel
Plaguing us with thoughtless drivel
Stupidly you spew and sputter
Vapidly you blurt and mutter
Garbage vomits from your keys
Annoying us like bites from fleas
Saying nothing good or true
Asshat lies and trash you spew
Grammar poor, ideas dull
Reflect your empty, worthless skull
"I'll hurt your feelings with my screed!"
"Fear my wrath! I'll make you bleed!
"I am kafka, hear me roar!"
Frankly dear, you're such a bore
Baboon flinging monkey poo
Here's what the Alliance'll do to you
Give you love, give you attention,
By mocking you, and did I mention
That you are just a joke to us
A moron who rides life's short bus
Leave us now, you mindless fool
You floating turd in our swimming pool
You warthog-faced retarded putz
You dripping sore upon our nuts
You feckless, brainless, drooling mass
You feeble, filthy, ignorant ass
Sic Semper Tyrannis, and fare thee well
Now f*** off, troll, and burn in hell.

posted by Harvey at 7:42:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


A long time ago, I said:

When you're trying to be funny, you need the right mix of truth and exaggeration. If it's all exaggeration, it's just a lie. If it's all truth, it's just a chemistry book.

Frank J. of IMAO is one of the best in the business when it comes to getting the mix juuuuuust right. However, when it comes to the Democratic Underground (may they all rot in hell forever), they are just so naturally over-the-top in their insanity, that it's almost impossible to exaggerate what they say enough for it to be truly funny.

However, Frank J. gives it his best shot with his Universal Democratic Underground Thread, and I think he manages to get a couple yuks out of the chemistry book:


4. Nothing we can do

This just make me feel so depressed. There is nothing Bush* and the neo-cons won't do to keep power and wage war. Remember, these are the same people who rigged an election, killed Carnahan and Wellstone, and stole my bong. They're going to steal the election again with the "liberal media" helping them all the way. Then they'll plunge the world into death and chaos and I'll never be able to get another bong.



5. This will sink Bush*

I disagree, halfempty, this is exactly what is going to make people realize that Bush* really is like Hitler… and then everyone will turn against him… and then true progressives will get in office… and then peace will be had in the world… and then gumdrops will fall from the sky… and then unicorns will roam the land once again.
Check out the rest of it and see what you think.

posted by Harvey at 6:31:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, February 03, 2004



I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes

- Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"

posted by Harvey at 7:35:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



My guess is that she's high maintenance, and he finds wearing adult diapers to be sexually stimulating.

posted by Harvey at 7:33:16 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Yet another excellent fisking by the Emperor. This one on the topic of African-American studies programs being biased. In it somebody mentioned that it was Black History Month, the original purpose of which was:

"an attempt to instill some pride because there was a belief that American history in general and world history did not appropriately recognize the contributions of blacks," said Niger Innis, national spokesman for the Congress of Racial Equality, one of America's oldest civil rights groups.

I've heard that argument before, and I don't believe it. Outside of the very few blacks whose accomplishments I've already heard of (George Washington Carver springs to mind, but not really anyone else), I don't think blacks really accomplished a whole lot of note.

Why not?

It's not because they weren't capable or intelligent.


It's not like thousands of blacks did millions of great deeds and then whitey hushed it all up. They weren't ALLOWED to attain greatness. They were excluded from institutions of higher learning, and productive business ventures, and professional sports and the military, and elective government offices. In what field were they supposed to get anything accomplished? What little that was accomplished was minor and not noteworthy. I wouldn't expect to find those acts worthy of study any more than I would expect to find worth in studying the minor, non-noteworthy accomplishments of the pale persuasion.

And, quite frankly, out of respect for the value of my own time, I would prefer not to study anyone's minor accomplishments.

Better we should declare February "Successful American Month" and spend our time looking up to the movers, shakers, heros, and doers that made this country great, skin color be damned. And if you're black and it bugs you that "too many" of the great Americans were white, then get off your ass and be better than they were, instead of trying to water down the criteria for greatness.

posted by Harvey at 7:21:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


is crackling merrily at Outside the Beltway. While I was perusing the list of horrors, I re-read something I'd seen at Susie's place before. As I read it, it occurred to me I should make a clarification:


The "not short" "post" Susie was "working on" was not mine.

You heard the denial here first.

posted by Harvey at 7:04:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Now I know why Josh Cohen of sent this one was to the Bonfire this week. This is the first time I've ever read a blog entry on boobs that left me feeling bored.

Lord, I need a nap now. 

posted by Harvey at 7:02:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Even though I've only been to New Jersey once, I have to agree with Frank J. of IMAO:

So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.

posted by Harvey at 6:47:33 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Steven of USS Clueless, in an atypically concise post, had perhaps THE best observation about this year's Superbowl:

The biggest story was the one we didn't read: "Terrorist attack causes 30,000 deaths". It is the deafening silence, the dog not barking in the night. For the third straight year since 9/11, a crowd the size of a small city concentrated itself in a stadium and sat for several hours to watch the most heavily televised live event of the year. And then that crowd dispersed and went home.

posted by Harvey at 6:41:14 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, February 02, 2004



Three words... Two people... One soul

posted by Harvey at 11:33:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Shave That Thing]

Although, generally speaking, Susie prefers her men to be on the high end of the George Clooney hairiness scale, there is, shall we say, a partial exception to the rule.

posted by Harvey at 11:31:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I've always wondered how the hell the gun-grabber crowd can say their bullshit with a straight face. Thanks to Owen of Boots & Sabers, I... well, I STILL don't know how they can say it with a straight face, but he's shown me some of the slickest packaging for sick, twisted lies that I've ever seen, which was recently published in Wisconsin's paper of distortion record, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Fortunately, he's also taken the time to thoroughly debunk their bullshit.

Q: Doesn't the bill have safeguards that would prevent its use to arm criminals?

A: The bill's safeguards would bar only the arming of convicted felons. Criminals not yet caught could legally hide firearms on their person. The Violence Policy Center, which backs gun controls, notes that Texans holding concealed-handgun licenses have been arrested for thousands of crimes since 1996, including murder.

The first error in their statement is to assume that criminals would bother to get a concealed carry permit. They are criminals. Why would they bother? Furthermore, unless you could argue that the criminal would be less likely to commit their crime without concealed carry, it's a moot point. The criminal is going to commit his or her crime regardless of whether they are allowed to carry a weapon or not. The laws only affect people who actually obey them.

The second error is about Texans with concealed carry committing crime. The statement is factually accurate. Texans with and without concealed carry commit hundreds of thousands of crimes. But - and it's a big but - Texans with a concealed carry permit commit crimes at a much lower rate than the rest of the population. Here are the stats as of 2000:

  • Texans who exercise their right to carry firearms are 5.7 times less likely to be arrested for a violent offense.

  • They are 14 times less likely to be arrested for a non-violent offense.

  • They are 1.4 times less likely to be arrested for murder.

    If anything, the statistics prove that Texans with concealed carry permits commit fewer crimes. Perhaps they should be mandated to get one.

  • There's plenty more. It's one of the most beautiful exercises in logic I've seen in a while. If you support concealed carry (whether you live in Wisconsin or anywhere else), this is a must-read post. Lots of good ammo here.

    No pun intended ;-).

    posted by Harvey at 11:18:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    Who says getting drunk ain't educational? The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon is making us all smart by stealing publishing the Lush's Lexicon, a glossary of boozing terminology that EVERY good drunk should learn. For example:
    Beer bitch
    The person sitting closest to the cooler or refrigerator at a party whose sole purpose in life is to grab another beer when yours runs out.

    Beer blinders
    One's perception when under the influence of alcohol. Often causes unattractive people to look hot, long distances to look jumpable and break dancing moves to look easy.

    Beer Pressure
    The tendency to drink what your friends drink.

    Beer queer
    A straight man who will pretend to be gay so as to solicit free drinks from an unsuspecting homosexual.

    Blackout Brigade
    A group of heavy drinkers.
    Plenty more where those came from.

    posted by Harvey at 11:07:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions."
    You've read this letter a million times from every whiny liberal that ever boo-hooed into a "letters to the editor" column in the local fish-wrapper. So why am I bothering to point it out? Does Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks give it the full-throttle fisking it so richly deserves?


    But that's ok. Go and see why. It's maybe 2 minutes.

    posted by Harvey at 11:02:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    Jeff of BigStick.US has FINALLY peeled his ass off whatever damp al fresco cafe stool he's been sitting on for the last 2 weeks, and graced us with his cranky-Yankee perspective on the Land That Courtesy Forgot. Highlights include, but are not limited to:

    You know, France is a country with a nearly 10% unemployment? They have their own suicide bombers, anti-semites, gang warfare, half the housing in this country is substandard, murderers and criminals go free every day, May 1st BULGARIA is going to have the Euro, French names are on a list of Saddam's beneficiaries, people kill each other because of their damn ZIP CODE. It sounds to me like France should 'Shut The [F***] Up' about America until it can fix all of the shit going on in it's own damn country.

    I can't sit down in a god damn cafe without someone hearing me speaking english to my friends, asking me if I'm an American, and then proceeding to tell me how much Bush sucks. Seriously, assholes, get a life!


    This country physically is just one [f*****] up place. I love the old world style and everything, but why do all the streets have to smell like garbage? Why is the paint peeling of the walls in all of my classrooms? Why are there homeless people under every bridge, around every corner, and in every doorway? Plus, there's dog shit everywhere!!! Ever heard of the pooper scooper?

    Don't miss the part about the Arab barber.

    posted by Harvey at 11:00:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    I was poking through edition #9 of the Best of Me Symphony at Unbillable Hours, and got to LeeAnn's contribution about her encounter with an annoying (is there any other kind?) homeless person. Somewhere in the story is the following sentence describing the homeless broad's voice:
     It was like someone had put a helium tank up Fran Drescher's butt and beat her with a scalded cat.

    Ya know, it just kills me to think that LeeAnn's been saying stuff like this for months, and I've been ignoring it until I finally blogrolled her last month. I deserve such a beating for that.

    And not the fun kind.

    posted by Harvey at 10:57:17 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    Wizbang says that I'm one of 5 possible referrers responsible for sending him his 500,000th visitor, although he's not positive which one it is, so he suggests we share the honor.


    I will NOT share with anyone! I want the honor! It's mine! MINE! MINE! MINE!

    By the way does it surprise anyone that I have one of these?

    posted by Harvey at 10:44:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    Mike the Marine gives a yawn to the Super Bowl, and some well-deserved kudos to a few of those commercials (did anyone else think the commercials actually offered LESS entertainment than the game for a change?).

    But my favorite part was his musing on a Cubs BoSox series:

    can you even imagine the hysteria surrounding a Cubs-Red Sox Series? You couldn't have pried guys away from their TVs with horses... tanks... rocket motors... sex.

    "Honey - come upstairs... I've got the KY and the rubber sheets ready..."
    "Yeah in a minute babe it's the top of the eighth and the Cubs are up by one might be extra innings ya never know I'll be along hey can you get me another brew before you go to bed thanks."

    Me, I'd just lay the rubber sheets on the floor in front of the TV. There are plenty of positions that allow killing two birds with one stone.

    posted by Harvey at 10:41:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    She's the Queen of Spades:

    Day into night she's with me
    How sweet is her warm embrace
    Safe in the scent of jasmine
    So safe in her gold and lace
    Mornings I find, she's left me
    So cold so alone, but aware
    I try to escape, she finds me
    Oh run though I may, she's there, there, there, there, there...

    Luck is a lady whose smile is as cold as a stone
    She'll bring you things, many things you might never have known
    But when your die is cast she'll have the final laugh at you
    She'll lock you in a duel, where you come out the fool

    Beware of the Queen of Spades
    Her black widow's curse might find you yet
    Beware of a love that you will regret
    Her love means only your death

    Day into night she's with me
    Turn of a card, she's there
    The first time is free, you know
    But from now on, pay me, me, me, me, me...


    (James Young/Dennis DeYoung)

    posted by Harvey at 10:39:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    I don't have any children, yet it was for the future of children everywhere that I joined the Alliance. I just couldn't stand the thought of a world where the blogging despot, Glenn Reynolds ruled over everything.

    Do you think I'm some sort of tinfoil-hat-wearing crackpot? Are you saying to yourself, "he's only one man. Sure, he's got a popular blog, but does that necessarily make him evil?" Then I ask you: Do you not understand the nature of power to create the insatiable craving for more control? Today Glenn might be only sitting atop the Ecosystem like Sauron's eye above the dark tower of Mordor, but realize, please, that this is not his final plan. He seeks power beyond cyberspace. His urge to conquest will not be sated until America herself is a bleak and desolate wasteland, where hobo bodies litter the streets like old newspapers, puppies tip at the brink of extinction from overblending, the Robot is the only dance allowed to be publicly performed, and the maddening strains of Copacabana fill the air from loudspeakers under every street lamp. This future I will not countenance. And so, I fight.

    Having failed in my every attempt to stop Evil Glenn's mad quest for power in this when, I decided that the only reasonable course of action would be to travel to the past to stop Evil Glenn while he was but a lad, and his crimes against humanity still lay, preventably, in his future.

    But where to obtain a time machine?

    I asked the smartest man in the blogosphere, Stephen Den Beste of USS Clueless. Unfortunately, his fingers had become wedged in his keyboard during a tragic blogging accident, and he was physically unable to help me with the construction of the device.

    Next I sought the help of Lynn of Reflections in d minor, the smartest woman in the blogosphere. No joy was to be found there, since she was still in the hospital recovering from a brutal attack by Pecks, the world's angriest bluebird.

    Saddened, but not yet without hope, I appeared at the doorstep of Alliance member Physics Geek, reasoning that anyone who could brew the world's tastiest beer must surely have the wisdom to construct a time machine...

    Geek: Come on in, Harv. What can I do for you?

    Harv: Well, I have an insane-sounding project I need your help with, and since you're the smartest non-physically-incapacitated person I know, I was hoping you could help me.

    Geek: No problem. Insanity is my specialty. Whaddya need? Perpetual motion machine? Faster-than-light spaceship? A viable democratic presidential candidate?

    Harv: Time machine, actually.

    Geek: Good. I was hoping you wouldn't ask for that last one. I was only kidding about it being possible. Come on down to the basement, I've got one there.

    Harv: You have a working time machine?

    Geek: Are you serious? Of COURSE I have one. I built it right after that time Mrs. Geek walked in on my while I was surfing for porn. Saved me a week of sleeping on the couch, it did. So, what do you need it for?

    Harv [following Geek into the basement]: I'm going to go back in time and stop Glenn Reynolds from turning evil.

    Geek: Oh... Maybe we should work on that viable democratic presidential candidate instead...

    Harv: Don't worry, I have a plan. I just need you to get me to the right year.

    Geek: Ok. But be careful. Messing around with events in the past can cause... unintended consequences.

    Harv: Yeah, yeah. Butterfly effect, blah, blah, blah. Just get me where... er, when I need to go.

    Geek: Ok. Here's the auto-return remote control device. Now, just step into the travel chamber...

    There was a blinding flash of light, and a second later I found myself standing on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead, where a young, and at this point merely naughty, Glenn frolicked on the grass with his puppy...

    Naughty Glenn: All right Hobo, now go fetch the stick!... Good boy!... Hey! Stop licking me! Stop it! How'd you like it if I started licking you? [lick, lick]...Hmmm... That was tasty! And I feel somewhat energized... I wonder what would happen if I consumed the whole animal? He's too big to eat... Maybe if I stuffed him into mommy's blender I could drink him! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed.

    Harv: NOOOOOO! Stop, young Glenn! You mustn't do that!

    Naughty Glenn: Huh? Hey! Aren't you Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties?

    Harv: What? No! I'm... uh, I mean yes, yes I am. And as a beloved and influential father-figure, I command you NOT to blend that puppy.

    Naughty Glenn: Well, ok. I'll just play with him in a naively charming and child-like way instead. Thanks for the advice.

    Harv: Yeah… uh... no problem… Well, that was easy.

    I pressed the button and found myself back in Physics Geek's basement…

    Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.

    Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?

    Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look… It says right here on my driver's license… Frank H. Olson, and… HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?

    Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.

    Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.

    Frank G.: Sure. Over here.

    Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled "IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:

    "I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

    "I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

    "At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

    Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I mean Frank G…. you've got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!

    Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.

    Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…

    Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?

    Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!

    Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?

    Frank H.: WHAT?

    Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.

    Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!

    Frank G.: What's the magic word?

    Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.

    Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!

    Another blinding flash of light found me back on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead just a few short minutes after I'd left the last time. Naughty (now actually NICE) Glenn was playing with his puppy, Hobo, in a naively charming and child-like way.

    Nice Glenn: Gee, Hobo, you're the bestest puppy ever! I'm sorry I thought about blending you. From now on, I'm going to be the nicest boy in the world, and I promise never to mistreat you, or any other helpless animal ever again! I sure am grateful to Michael Gross for showing me the error of my ways, and… Hey! Look! There's Michael Gross again! Hi Mr. Gross! Wow! I sure want to thank you for…URK!

    Harv [Grabbing both Glenn and Hobo by the throat and proceeding to the kitchen without missing a step]: Come with me since I want to live.

    Cringing inwardly at what I had to do, hating myself for doing it, yet knowing it had to be done, I stuffed Hobo into Mrs. Reynolds's Model 690 Oster Blend-o-Matic Deluxe, and pressed "liquefy".

    Traumatized Glenn: HOBO! NOOOOOOO! Please don't do this Mr. Gross!

    Harv: I lied. I'm NOT Michael Gross. Now shut up, kid, I'm saving the world.

    The foul deed completed, I grabbed the bloody pitcher of puppy goo, stomped on Glenn's left foot, and when he opened his mouth to holler in pain, I poured the sticky mess down his surprised gullet.

    Confused Glenn: Ack! Argh! Oogaoogaooga! Wha… What's happening to me? I feel… energized. I feel… strong… and… and… HUNGRY FOR POWER! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed

    Harv: Better test this... Hey Glenn…

    Evil Glenn: That's EVIL Glenn to you, peon.

    Harv: What's your favorite drink?

    Evil Glenn: Blended puppy

    Harv: Who's your favorite world leader?

    Evil Glenn: Mao

    Harv: Who's your deity of choice?

    Evil Glenn: Satan

    Harv: Favorite dance?

    Evil Glenn: Robot

    Harv: How do you feel about penguins?

    Evil Glenn: Horny

    Harv: And if you could punch anybody in the world right now, who would you punch?

    Evil Glenn: Why… nobody. I'd just like to hug a fuzzy bunny right now.

    Harv: Oh? Then hug THIS!

    And I punched him in the face as hard as I could.

    Evil Glenn: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you
    back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?

    Harv: I'm Frank J. – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!

    Leaving the bleeding, sniveling, puppy-gut-splattered, and now completely evil Glenn Reynolds to return to the life destiny intended for him, I pressed the button on the auto-return…

    Geek: Gee, Harv, that didn't take long. You just left a couple minutes ago, and…

    Harv [grabbing Geek by the shoulders and shaking him]: Quick! Who's the world's funniest blogger?

    Geek: Why… YOU are, Harv.

    Harv: DAMMIT! This is no time for ass-kissing! Just answer the question!

    Geek [looking at the floor and shuffling his feet]: Frank J.

    Harv: Good! Let me borrow your computer.

    Geek: Sure. Over here.

    Harv:… Ah! Here we are… "as funny as drowning puppies (actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle gurgle)."… NOOOOOO!

    Geek: Harv. Dude. Relax. He's just kidding. See? Look up here… there's a new In My World, it's coffee-out-the-nose funny, and he even mentioned your name at the top of part 2.

    Harv: Oh, ok. PHEW! For a minute there, I thought I was stuck in some hideous alternate reality that resulted from my meddling with the temporal currents and… what's this? "I think I'm done antagonizing Glenn Reynolds. I've exposed his terrible secret about his drinking habits to the world, and now it's time to bury the hatchet." NOOOOOOO! What has my meddling with forces beyond my understanding done? I've weakened the resolve of our fearless leader! I am a cursed man! My life is meaningless. All that I've fought for… in ruins… [breaking into sobs of despair]

    Geek: Relax, Harv. Here, have a beer.

    Harv: *sniff * Beer? Beer exists?

    Geek [eyeing me warily and taking a cautious step backwards] Yyyeessss. Here. I just finished brewing this today. I call it God's Nectar Red Ale.

    Harv: [sip] Hmmm… ya know, I think things are gonna be juuuuust fine.

    Geek: So, how'd the Evil Glenn thing go? Did you stop him?

    Harv: Well, Geekster, it's like this…

    I told him the whole story, although I'm not sure how much he believed. The important thing is that he gave me a six-pack to take home with me.

    I've learned the hard way that it is not mortal man's place to tamper with the greater forces of the universe. And that, while the world may not be the way we wish it were, it could always be a LOT worse. In an effort to take a short cut to defeating Evil Glenn, I wound up creating a universe where Frank J.'s resolve to do what's right is no longer the strong and eternal rock upon
    which the Alliance was founded. But I am not afraid. Our cause is just. No matter what happens, the Alliance WILL prevail!

    Besides, Geek still has that time machine. And I have an idea. Mheh.



    Friday, May 9th , 2003:

    Frank J.: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?

    Harv: I'm Glenn Reynolds – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!

    posted by Harvey at 9:34:17 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

      Sunday, February 01, 2004



    Thank you for yesterday, today and always...

    For bringing me happiness right from the start
    and offering me both your love and your heart,
    for being so thoughtful in all that you do,
    overlooking my faults, and understanding me too.

    posted by Harvey at 10:42:56 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    The most shameful part of failing this simple geography quiz was that it was "open-book".

    posted by Harvey at 10:40:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

    I CARE

    So here's your 100th link, hM. (see these stats for an explanation, dated 2-01-04)

    Even though you persist in that goofy notion of yours that health care is not a right. I don't know how you can say that with a straight face. I mean, where's your compassion, missy?

    posted by Harvey at 1:45:44 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



    Thank you for teaching my heart to dance among the stars.

    posted by Harvey at 12:23:22 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


    Ya wanna know the REAL reason I'll never vote for Al Sharpton? It's that I never, EVER want to take the chance of peeking into my wallet and seeing this.

    posted by Harvey at 12:21:57 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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