Sunday, February 29, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
posted by Harvey at 11:58:10 PM permalink HOME
Remember to exercise care when leaving a tip after a candlelight dinner at a Mexican Restaurant. That Budweiser Superbowl commercial was a cautionary tale.
[CTRL+F "horse" for that link]
posted by Harvey at 11:56:41 PM permalink HOME
GET YOUR FUNNY ON
the scourge of bloggers everywhere. Writer's block is tough, especially
if you make a living off your keyboard, but Beal is far worse. It's
blogger's block. The inability to come up with a single creative,
witty, or insightful remark, no matter how provocative the material you
read is. It's being stumped at a much more basic level, and it's a
Joey of Single White Male was afflicted with this malady recently, and posted the plaintive query:
I can't just be funny off the top of my head, so how do y'all suggest I get my funnyness goin?
The answers are simple, but they take a little discipline to use: attitude and equipment.
First - attitude. You should look at everything in your life as
potential blog fodder. Every blog entry you read, every TV show you
watch, every person you talk to, every trip to the store, and every
book you read. Every activity
holds the seed for humor. You just have to look at it from the right
angle (usually cross-eyed with your tongue slightly protruding).
Sometimes natural events aren't inspiring enough. It that case, it's
perfectly ok to actively seek out material. Personally, I like
questions (see my 200 words or less series).
There's hardly a question alive that can't be taken the wrong way
and/or answered non-seriously. Actively seek to misinterpret a key word
or two, and hilarity can be yours.
Good questions can be hard to find. However, there are entire books of
questions that you can pick up used & cheap at Amazon.
Also making good blog fodder is this list of topics at the Topics Blog archives.
Now that you have the "everything's potentially funny" attitude, it's
time to make sure your equipment is in order. Funny can strike at any
moment, so you have to be prepared to capture it, lest it slip away
into the aether and be picked up by some hilarious scavenger like Frank J. of IMAO, who appears to hold the keys to the legendary "universal vault of unused funny". Always
be ready. Keep a pen and a pocket notebook (or at least a scrap of
paper) with you at all times for jotting notes. Also be sure to keep
writing materials next to your bed, as inspiration frequently strikes
as one is nodding off to sleep.
Don't get caught up in the trap of thinking that you can only write
when you're sitting in front of your computer. I keep a spiral notebook
in the car with me for writing longhand, and do some of my best work
that way. It's a little annoying to have to re-type everything I've
written, but at least the difficult, creative part is out of the way.
To make my life even easier in this regard, I
dropped a few dollars on a PDA and a portable keyboard.
This system works great for me, because it's small enough and light
enough to fit in my pockets. Set-up is about 10 seconds, so I can blog
whenever & wherever (usually during my lunch hour). Unfortunately,
I can't type while driving, so the spiral notebook still comes in
handy. No, seriously. I wrote the intro to my now-
infamous top 10 list while cruising down the highway. Trust me, you
don't have to watch your hand while you write. Your fingers know what
If the PDA/keyboard combo isn't for you, then consider a laptop
computer. Old & slightly obsolete models can be obtained cheaply
through eBay, and you might even be able to get one for free from a
friend or relative who's recently upgraded.
In order to bring attitude and equipment together you need a little
discipline. I personally have a goal of 2 original silly pieces a week
in the form of Alliance assignments. A deadline does wonders for
Finally a word about mood. Sometime you just don't *feel* funny.
Brother, I hear ya. Sunday afternoons are primo writing times for me,
and often I'll tell myself something like "I'll start on that Alliance
assignment at 3pm sharp". Then around 2:45, all hell breaks loose in
the house, and I have to manage some dog- or laundry-related crisis
that puts me in a sour mood. How the hell
do I get from there to funny? Well, it's not easy, but sometimes I just
have to force it. I'll sit down after things calm down, put my topic
(in writing) in front of me and start contemplating until my mood
swings back to the goofy end of the scale.
A word of warning. Take everything I've written above with a grain of salt. This is how I wrestle with Beal, and it might not work for you. If you want guarantees, buy a kitchen appliance. But it does work for me, and it probably can't hurt for you to give it a try
Beats having Beal, anyway.
posted by Harvey at 7:48:43 PM permalink HOME
I WANT ONE!
Susie of Practical Penumbra answered my quaint, child-like questions about movies, and even posted a picture of a film splicer.
I don't care HOW weird this makes me, I think that splicer is one of
the coolest devices I've ever seen. I'm madly in love with the design
of it. LOOK at that thing. Every part is there for a purpose. No wasted
space, no unnecessary features. I'm giddy with admiration for the
engineering of it. It's one of the most purely functional things in
I'll bet that if you set it next to an LTD catalog, there'd be a functional/anti-functional reaction big enough to create a black hole.
posted by Harvey at 7:10:10 PM permalink HOME
BEST GUN QUOTES EVER
Frank J. of IMAO linked this list of wise sayings. Me? I'm stealing it whole from Across the Atlantic because it's just that good:
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Glock: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. Imagine that! Not even one!
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "...A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
It just gives me shivers, it does.
posted by Harvey at 7:01:19 PM permalink HOME
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MEATY, BEATY, BIG, AND BOUNCY
Mike the Marine lives a life-long dream by linking up the lyrics to the Refreshments song "Mekong".
I guarantee you'll laugh when you see which phrases got linked where.
posted by Harvey at 6:54:06 PM permalink HOME
SUSIE JUST ROCKS
I grew up in a relatively tiny town - about 9000 people in it. But we
had a movie theater within walking distance of my house. It was an old
building, probably turn of the century, like most of the downtown. Near
as I could tell it used to be a theatre,
since it had steps going up to a stage just below where the screen was.
There's not much to do in a dinky little town like that, so the weekly
change of movies was a big event. I don't remember the first movie I
ever saw there, but the first movie I remember seeing was "Jaws" back
in '74. I was 8. I saw it with my brother who was 10. Back then, there
was no PG-13 rating, only PG, so it was perfectly ok for pre-teens to
watch people getting eaten by mechanical sharks.
The theater itself was grand and cavernous, with lush, blood-red fabric
coating both the walls and the seats. Being inside the place was a
little intimidating, because there was so much empty space
over your head. Sometimes during a movie, I'd look up and back and see
that flickering light and wonder briefly what the hell was going on up
there. The thought would quickly pass, as a young boy's thoughts often
do. Yet there always lingered the thread of a thought - "what strange
magic takes place up there?"
I've still never found out. Never been in the projection room. Never even read a book on it. But I've wondered...
Now Susie tells the secrets.
I am 8 again, and I drink those secrets up with a young boy's passion for mystery.
Go find out what goes on in the projection booth.
posted by Harvey at 2:18:18 AM permalink HOME
ABOUT THAT BUSH=HITLER MEME...
When I hear it, I usually just laugh, because you can't take anyone seriously who says it.
But what if you did?
What if you thought through all the implications, what it literally means, and what it means to be the kind of person who would actually say such a thing?
Well then, you'd get a post very much like this one from Ptah of Crusader War College. The language is strong, but it deserves to be, so I'm not cleaning it up. Here's a sample:
The point is this: If you're
smart, you FUCKING KNOW OF WHAT YOU'RE ACCUSING US. If you're right
about us, then congratulations, then not only you, but the whole damned
world, are fucking DOOMED. If you're wrong about us, then
congratulations, you've not only just insulted us, but you INTENDED TO
INSULT US. And you know what? We KNOW THAT YOU INTENDED TO INSULT US.
And not just any insult, mind you, but the granddaddy of all insults,
in that you KNOWINGLY compared us to the greatest evil of the previous
If we ever decide to act on that insult, we'd be justified in whatever we unleash on your sorry asses.
And if we don't, that's only because WE'RE REALLY BETTER THAN YOU ARE, you lying, moralistic pretenders.
Oh yes, there's more.
(hat tip to Emperor Darth Misha I)
posted by Harvey at 1:48:46 AM permalink HOME
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT ANNOYING FREE TIME
Trey's got a list. This one just tickled me
2) I will clean my house. A herd of dust antelope just plowed through
my foyer. It's time I did some poaching. There is entirely too much
wild game free in my house.
I get herds of moose, myself. It's like living in dust-Canada.
Or would that be Canadust?
posted by Harvey at 1:38:43 AM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories that it
has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings
have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is
in this way that love begins, and in this way only... Nothing is more
real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in
exchanging this spark.
posted by Harvey at 12:54:52 AM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Only slightly less exciting that watching it on TV.
posted by Harvey at 12:50:56 AM permalink HOME
I check my Ecosystem
ranking first thing in the morning, every day. And I'm always surprised
to see how high it is. I keep expecting to take a peek some day and see
something like #4000.
At which point I would sigh & shrug & tell myself, "Eh. Looks
like the bubble finally burst. Well, at least I'm not an over-egoed
fraud anymore. I'm back to being the flippery fish that I know I really
deserve to be."
But it keeps not happening, and I keep thinking, "Huh. Wonder what that's all about?"
It's that odd, slightly unreal feeling. I imagine it's similar in kind, although certainly
not in degree, to the feeling a young man gets when he first sees his
newborn child and thinks, "My world has changed while I wasn't looking,
and I'm the Daddy now." Which is usually followed almost immediately by the thought, "Oh crap! Now what do I do?"
I've seen Misha mention this feeling on occasion. You can almost hear him shaking his head in disbelief while wondering why people come and why they come back.
A couple days ago, I got whacked hard with that "how the hell did this happen?" feeling when I traced back a commenter, Radar Rider of Musings of a Techno-Geek (whose 3 sentences at the end of this short post just gave me the "we're doing the right thing in Iraq" happy-shivers).
I was scrolling around, trying to learn a little bit about my newest
comment... whatever the opposite of a troll is...when I noticed the
Eject! Eject! Eject!
James Lileks' Bleat
Kim du Toit
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Spoons Experience
The Sake of Argument
Look at those names. It's like a who's freakin' who of blogdom... come to think of it, it looks a lot like my first blogroll.
Except this one's got MY name on it.
I swear, this must be what it feels like the first time someone asks
you for your autograph, and you look over your shoulder expecting to
see someone important standing behind you.
And Radar Rider, you need to get an "About Me" post up sometime soon so that I can make fun of you properly ;-)
posted by Harvey at 12:35:08 AM permalink HOME
Saturday, February 28, 2004
SOME CLARITY (WISH THERE WERE MORE)
After discussing the gay marriage issue a bit with Marty of Vigilance Matters, I've gotten a better grip on my gay marriage stance.
There are 3 positions that the state can take with regard to an activity. They can promote it, allow it, or forbid it.
I agree that the state does
have an interest in actively promoting heterosexual marriages for the
sake of fostering the best possible environment for raising children.
It's an institution with a proven track record of creating societal
stability and growth.
Childless couples are irrelevant to that child-rearing aspect, but trying to exclude the infertile & childless-by-choice from marriage while trying to promote
the institution would be impractically cumbersome and intrusive. For
the sake of convenience, the childless are permitted to free-ride on
the government's marriage-promotion gravy train.
Homosexual marriages don't have the child-producing aspect, and because
of the obvious genital situation, it's a simple matter to exclude them.
So the state has no interest in, or reason for, actively promoting homosexual marriages.
But this does NOT mean that the state should then be required to FORBID
the relationship. Some things actively harm society's members - theft,
rape, murder, etc., and these activities are rightfully forbidden. A
committed, monogamous relationship between 2 homosexuals, however,
doesn't harm anyone. So it should be ALLOWED. This means letting
homosexuals dive into the legal and financial tangle if they so choose.
If states like Vermont want to make it easy for them with a Civil Union law, that's great. But I don't think any state has an obligation to make it easy or convenient, since, as I said before, you can have the legal equivalent of marital bonds through the simple application of contract law.
I'm still trying to work out the specific issues of homosexuals using
the word "marriage", and whether Civil Unions cause conflicts relevant
to the "equal protection" and "full faith & credit" clauses of the
Constitution. Another aspect that gets little discussion is that there
is a Constitutional right to travel (not listed, but see Amendments 9
& 10 - no listing required) between the states. I know that
charging fees to enter or leave a state is unconstitutional, since it
has a chilling effect on the right of free traverse. If Civil Unions
aren't afforded full faith & credit from other states, this might be an issue, but I'm not sure.
I hope Stephen Den Beste weighs in on this soon...
posted by Harvey at 9:01:18 PM permalink HOME
Now that I've hurt people's feelings with why I'm not fond of the anti-gay-marriage stance, it's time to administer a kick & piddle to the pro-gay-marriage side.
What the HELL do you want?
Why don't you stop complaining about how you can't get married and go get married?
It's pretty straightforward. Let's assume 2 gay men. They rent
themselves a hall, ask someone they respect and admire to officiate the
ceremony, then stand up in front of family & friends on the
appointed day to exchange vows pledging eternal love and monogamy.
Then it's time for the nuts & bolts process of entangling their legal & financial interests.
Put both names on the deed to the house & car. Change the
beneficiaries on the insurance policies & retirement plans. Get
reciprocal Health Care Power of Attorneys and reciprocal wills. If they
want to go a little further, they can even do reciprocal General Power
of Attorneys, and maybe have one guy legally change his last name. I'm
talking about some fairly straightforward contracts here, which any
dimestore shyster can whip up in an afternoon for a reasonable fee.
From then on, they live together and introduce their significant other
as their husband or spouse or partner, and tell people that they were
married last June in a lovely ceremony.
If things go bad and they want to separate, they get all the joyous legal headaches of a divorcing hetero couple.
But while things are going good, there's no significant difference
between what this couple has, and the marriage I currently enjoy with
Why isn't that good enough?
Why do you have to jack around with a legal definition that's served
society well for I-don't-know-how-many hundreds of years? WHY? Because
you're too lazy to do the paperwork?
Sorry, I'm just not convinced that eliminating a couple hours of
inconvenience justifies the attempt to sledgehammer such a
In conclusion, I think both sides of this argument suck.
If anybody wants me, I'll be here on the fence.
posted by Harvey at 1:25:12 PM permalink HOME
Friday, February 27, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
The happiest part of my body is my heart, because it always thinks of you.
posted by Harvey at 11:57:18 PM permalink HOME
MEANWHILE AT MADFISH WILLIE'S...
The comment party's gettin' a little crazy, and there's Reddi-Wip everywhere. Come join in the fun before the Bartender shuts us down.
(hat tip to ErosBlog for the pic)
posted by Harvey at 11:24:24 PM permalink HOME
I had a little free time today, and I finally got around to reading that essay by Orson Scott Card that everyone's talking about. And you know what?
Fuck Orson Scott Card.
Why? Because his big
argument against homosexual marriage is that the foundation of society
is a man and a woman getting married and raising kids.
So, by implication, I'm rending society's fabric because I don't have any kids & don't plan on it?
Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.
Oh, but I suppose I'm forgiven
because my wife & I have dissimilar genitalia? Well, here's a
secret that'll shock no-one: we don't always use them in the prescribed
potentially-baby-making manner that Mr. Card seems to think is so
all-fired fucking important to keeping the nation functional. In fact,
checking the dictionary, it would appear that I'm heavily into sodomy(2),
so I guess my wife and I are just a couple filthy little
civilization-destroying sodomites, and we don't deserve to be
considered "married" since we're just as bad as all those mincing
little faggos, what with our malicious refusal to breed, and all.
Hell, without kids, we're not even a "family", according to the essay:
The ideologues have
demanded that we stop defining "families" as Dad, Mom, and the kids. Now
any grouping of people might be called a "family."
But this doesn't turn them into families, or even make rational people
believe they're families.
Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.
And the horse you rode in on.
And the little dog that followed your horse into town.
Especially that little dog.
NOTE: I'm still undecided on the gay marriage issue, but I'm getting a
little sick of the anti-gay marriage crowd tossing out arguments that
imply my marriage is second-rate because of a lack of progeny.
posted by Harvey at 11:04:02 PM permalink HOME
PRIMATES CAPITULARDS ET TOUJOURS EN QUETE DE FROMAGES
Huh. I didn't know France had a baseball team.
posted by Harvey at 9:39:17 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, February 26, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Ah, the dead of night, when you can lie awake pondering the wonders of
the universe, the simplicity of life, or the beauty of the person you
live for. Each can satisfy you, but only one will fulfill you.
posted by Harvey at 11:25:31 PM permalink HOME
Look, I understand the Treasury Department's decision to allow
corporate sponsorship of US currency - they needed the extra revenue.
That's fine. I even think it's kinda cute that Wal-Mart got the one
dollar bill. It's just that I really wish that Vagisil hadn't gotten the five.
posted by Harvey at 11:22:48 PM permalink HOME
GREAT BOOBILY MOOGILY!
That does it. I'm starting a petition to have Da Goddess host the
Carnival of the Vanities every week. She did a great job hosting it
several months back, and she's done a fantastic job this time around.
Also, she has one of the best sidebar cleavage shots I've ever seen.
This week's Diamond Edition Carnival (#75) has an overstuffed, overflowing bra theme. I'm kinda busy drooling to pick a winner out of this pile, but I'll tear myself away briefly to find something...
Red Ted wants to name his daughter Cthulhu.
Which would be fine by me, except he does that horrid pretentious
baby-naming thing and spells it wrong. Or maybe he was just too lazy to
Either way, it's still a better girl's name than McKenzie.
posted by Harvey at 10:54:30 PM permalink HOME
BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES #34
Available for perusal at The Argus.
"Why," you ask, "would I want to go look at that? Isn't that the
collection of the worst and most shamefully disgraceful posts in the
But the thing is, every week, some filthy little cheater stuffs in
something GOOD. Like the post by Pietro of The SmarterCop, wherein he visually chronicles the football referee hand signals of John Kerry. I can't quote it. It's a visual.
For some reason, that "roughing the kicker" pic just tickled me.
Bad Pietro! No quality allowed in the Bonfire. Bad! BAD!
posted by Harvey at 9:39:45 PM permalink HOME
BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
Is up at The Owner's Manual.
My pick of the litter would be this rather sticky post by Jim of Snooze
Button Dreams wherein he muses on what it would be like to be the Holodeck squeegee boy:
There are 6 holodecks, I believe. (Apologies that I have no exact
figures for you - I'm not quite a geek enough to have such specific
data available.) So there are about 650 people who want to wack off in
each holodeck at any particular time. We're talking some extremely
constant fluid excretion here. The holodeck ends each day with pearl
floors and textured ceilings.
I'm sure most people would read that and say, "EWWW! That's just gross!
Besides, everyone knows that Federation officers are a bunch of
vegetarian eunuchs. Well, except for that slut Riker - he'll sleep with
Although I mostly agree that the Next Gen crowd could use a dose of viagra, there is a strong
hint dropped that Jim's not too far off the mark. In the episode
"Hollow Pursuits" Geordi says something very much like the following to
Mr. Barclay (I can't find the exact quote anywhere): "What a person
does on the holodeck is his own business"
Anyway, even if you don't want to go swimming in the goo, or even read
any of the posts, you should stop by the Symphony anyway. Why? Because
Gary included a relevant H.L. Mencken quote with every entry. For
"Every normal man must be tempted at
times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting
I swear, that's going to be my next tattoo.
posted by Harvey at 9:27:01 PM permalink HOME
FEBRUARY IN A NUTSHELL
Why do I read Pepper of the Earth? Because Linus can make the English
language prance and caper in the startling sort of way that makes James Lileks look like Barney & Friends. Here he nails the month of February right to the church door:
February's weather isn't any
worse than December's, but 'round about, say, last week we've had
winter so long we can't remember any other state, of mind or matter. We
abrade under the salt and sand, traction grinding us smooth. S.A.D.
leaks from every bundled muffler, shuttered window, and raised collar;
the stashes of tissues are all used up, the winter coat isn't full of
banked and promising warmth so much as it is heavy, drab, and bulky.
Sweatshirt pockets are stripped of mementoes of winters past, saggy
with the trespass of frequent hands. The hiss of the heat, the slush of
cars in snow flurry washback, the gritty filth of permafrost plates
tucked under stoops and at the mouths of alleys. Enough, enough,
posted by Harvey at 8:38:34 PM permalink HOME
THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT
Trey Givens puts the "ban smoking in all public places" argument in perspective:
1) We spend bazillions of dollars each year on medical care for Georgians especially on cancer and cancer-related illnesses.
2) Smoking and second-hand smoke contribute to cancer and cancer-related illness.
3) Georgia can reduce its medical expenses by reducing the number of people who smoke or are exposed to second-hand smoke.
4) We should forbid smoking.
Can you spot the error? Allow me to draw an analogy from my own life.
1) I spend a bazillion dollars every month on Starbuck's White Chocolate Mochas.
2) White Chocolate Mochas taste good, but they aren't very good for me.
3) I can save lots of money and be healthier if I drink fewer White Chocolate Mochas.
4) I should punch the barista in the neck next time she makes a White Chocolate Mocha for me.
Stop smoking yourself? Get the government out of the health care purchasing business? Never! BAN! BAN! BAN! It's the ONLY way!
posted by Harvey at 8:32:04 PM permalink HOME
I was surfing around this morning, and I came across a thoughtful post by Lynn of Refections in d minor
about writing, where she noted the differences between writing essays
and the more conversational style that bloggers tend to use.
It was good, but there wasn't really a money quote to post about, and
it didn't compel any sort of verbal response that I felt was worth
leaving in the comments. Yet I enjoyed reading it, so I just left a
lame little "good post" comment.
It occurred to me that this happens to me a LOT. If you're on my
blogroll, rest assured that I stop by every day and read everything
you've written since my last visit. Yet sometimes I feel a little
guilty. I enjoy everything I read, but I don't always comment, and I
link even less. This makes me a little sad, because I know what it's
like to see zero after zero in the comments and think "Wow. Nobody
cares. I'm just talking to myself and I feel a little foolish. I
thought that was a GREAT post, too. *sigh*"
Dammit, I DO care! I READ! I LOVE! I want you to keep writing. MORE! MORE! MORE!
Please don't mistake my silence for apathy.
As for me, I LIVE for comments. I don't write so much for the pleasure
(although it IS great fun) as I do for the conversation. The kind of
witty banter that I get all too infrequently in the dull, dry world of
But I realize that other folks are under the same sort of time-pressure
I am. Lots of reading to do, and not nearly enough time to do it all.
At times like these, I find comfort in my referrer logs, seeing all the
familiar names that have stopped by. It's like coming home to find my
front door covered with little post-it notes that say "Hi - stopped by
- you weren't home - I'll be back later - thinking of you :-)"
It's a good feeling.
So if I don't link or comment, just check your door. You'll see that I stopped by. That I was thinking of you. And that I care.
posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM permalink HOME
EVIL GLENN'S AWARDS
(A FILTHY LIE)
Google as I might, I couldn't find any information on awards that the Puppy Blender might have won, so I decided to call him and ask him directly. I cleverly disguised my true identity...
Evil Glenn: You are puny and weak! You will die a horrible bloody death
at the hands of my foul minions! I will destroy all that you love! Bow
down before your new master! MUAHAHAHAHA! This is Glenn, may I help you?
Harv: Yes, I'm from Evil Overlords Illustrated, and...
Evil Glenn: Wow! EOI! Hey, I LOVED your last swimsuit issue! How did you ever get Saddam Hussein into a Wicked Weasel Bikini? Talk about not safe for work!
Harv: Yes, well, shoehorns & a tub of Parkay can work miracles, but
the reason I'm calling, Mr. Reynolds is that I'd like to interview you
for our next issue. We're doing piece called "Cute Animals: America's
Pestilence", and since your work with puppies is legendary, I wanted to
get some quotes. You know - how their death-screams are like a Mozart
concerto or some poetic crap like that.
Evil Glenn: More like Bach, but I take your meaning. Ask me anything, Mr... what did you say your name was?
Harv [reminding myself to give a fake name]: Harvey... DOH! Damn! Now my cover's blown!
Evil Glenn: I'm sorry, I was mixing up some Poodleberry punch. What was that?
Harv [thinking a little faster this time]: Uh, ORVEY! [ok, not MUCH faster]... and I said "oh man, this cover's your own". You won't have to share this issue's cover with anyone.
Evil Glenn: Orvey, huh?... That a Russian name?
Harv: Uh... Da.
Evil Glenn: Well, Orv, here's my story. I was born a poor black child...
Harv: Mr Reynolds...
Evil Glenn: WHAT?
Harv: This is for your fellow defilers of all that is good and pure,
not some stupid Alliance Filthy Lie assignment. Save the BS for the
Kerry sexual harrassment deposition.
Evil Glenn: Sorry. Force of habit. Lawyer, you know.
Harv: All too aware. Now let's get a little background on your past accomplishments, and...
Evil Glenn: When I was 12, I stuffed a French mime into a flaming trash
barrel. Found out Marcel Marceau could talk after all. Or at least
Harv: Mr. Reynolds...
Evil Glenn: WHAT? It's true!
Harv: Yes, but hardly evil.
You got a Congressional Medal of Honor for that one, as I recall. Look,
if you're not going to cooperate, I can get someone else. Castro's been
bugging the crap out of me for weeks, just begging for some ink. Keeps going on and on about this great kitten salsa recipe he's worked up, and...
Evil Glenn: Not Castro! He's the worst!
Harv: I thought you liked commies?
Evil Glenn: I do, but I'm more of a Mao man. Castro's such a tit by
comparison. Little pussy's barely even got a dozen nukes, and... oops -
wasn't supposed to mention that. This is off the record, right?
Harv: Totally. Anyway, let's get back on track here. What sort of evil awards have you won?
Evil Glenn: Well, there was that award from the Girl Scouts for selling the most cookies...
Harv: I said EVIL!
Evil Glenn: Ricin Mints & Ebola Delites.
Harv: Oh, you were with Hillary's troop. I stand corrected. What else?
Evil Glenn: Blackwell's Worst Dressed - Socks & Sandals Division.
Birkenstocks & knee-high whites. You know the kind I mean? The ones
with the frilly dingles hanging off the top?
Harv: My inner queer eye has never felt so violated. Go on.
Evil Glenn: There was that award I got for helping the homeless...
Harv: Gladys, get me Castro on line 2...
Evil Glenn: No! Wait! Let me finish! I got it for helping the homeless into the next life! Slice & Dice magazine even did a huge piece on my filleting technique!
Harv: Never mind, Gladys… Yeah, I remember that one. Heh. Those hobos looked like Picasso paintings. What a splatterfest! Intestines everywhere… and that "third eye" thing was a nice touch. Keep going.
Evil Glenn: The Trial Lawyers' Association Shyster of the Year Award for 12 years running.
Harv: Gladys, call Castro back…
Evil Glenn: WHAT? The TLA is the epitome of evil!
Harv: Yes, but there are certain limits to even our readership's depravity. I think we'd best not mention this one.
Evil Glenn: Ok, skip it. Can I at least mention that I won the Second Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?
Harv: Hmmm… and you received that for…?
Evil Glenn: Chernobyl didn't melt itself down, you know.
Evil Glenn: Indeed. And there was my work at Jerry Lewis's last Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon.
Harv: Thanks, Gladys. Hello?… Fidel?…
Evil Glenn: Geez, Orvey! You have the patience of an espressoed ferret! Look… one of my lesser-known hobbies is steamrollering cripples
in parking lots just to hear the sound of the their wheelchair spokes
breaking. Talk about MUSIC! If puppy screams are Bach, then that PING! PING! PING! is lovely, lovely Ludwig Van.
Harv: Ah, sweet Ultra-Violence. Anything else?
Evil Glenn: Yeah. My "Most Annoying Right-of-Center Blog of 2003" Award.
Harv: Ok, Glenn, that does it. I'm hanging up.
Evil Glenn: But WHY?
Harv: I'm sick of you trying to bullshit me like I'm some sort of OJ juror! EVERYONE knows that Misha got that award!
Evil Glenn: He STOLE that award! Do you have ANY idea how F******
annoying I am? With my "Hmmm" this, and my "Heh" that, and my "Indeed"
every-damn-other-thing? I'm so irritating people break out in hives at
the mere sight of my stupid sparking-antenna logo! It's not MY fault
that my readers are too illiterate to read more than the three words I
use! Hell, half of 'em send me hate mail for using a word with a second
syllable! You should see my inbox! If I had a nickel for every "BIG
WORD HARD MAKE BRAIN HURT" subject line, I'd be Bill freakin' Gates!
DAMN that insolent puppy and his brilliantly intelligent readership!
Damn him all to HELL! I should've blended him YEARS ago!
Harv: So… no award, then?
Evil Glenn: YOU SHUT UP! I'LL MURDER YOU DEAD!
Harv: Glenn, two things…
Evil Glenn: DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!
Harv: First, we're having a phone conversation, and I'm a thousand miles away from you, thus just beyond arm's reach.
Evil Glenn: …dead?
Harv: Second… I LIED! I'm NOT Orvey of Evil Overlords Illustrated. I'm
Harvey of Bad Money, and this IS a Filthy Lie assignment. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Evil Glenn: NOOOOO! MURDER! DEATH! KILL! TORTURE! MAYHEM! SLAUGHTER! DIE! DIE! D… wait a minute… does this mean I'm not going to make the cover of EOI?
Harv: Not as such, no.
Evil Glenn: … but Castro won't be on it either, right?
Harv: Well, no.
Evil Glenn: Eh. Ok. No problem, then. See you in hell, Currency Freak. [click]
Harv: What a cocky, pompous, overbearing asshole.
Evil Glenn: LAWYER! MUAHAHAHAHA! [click]
Oh, you'll pay for that one, Glenn. You. Will. Pay.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 6:12:39 PM permalink HOME
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Maybe a guy could fall instantly in love, but I doubt it. I think love
creeps over you like a warm feeling on a clear blue fall day. This
person is in your thoughts most of the time - all of the time,
actually. You see her when you close your eyes, when you look off into
the distance, when you pause from what you are doing and take a deep
breath. You remember how her fingers felt when they touched you. The
loved one becomes a part of you, the most important part. At least it's
that way with me when I think of you.
posted by Harvey at 10:44:32 PM permalink HOME
[Jamie Whitehead St. John School Encinitas CA]
I'm just trying to picture Jamie's grandfather's thought process when
he got off the boat at Ellis Island and was told to pick a more
American-sounding last name... "Hmmm... Zit?... Cyst?... Pustule?...
AH! I know!..."
posted by Harvey at 10:40:22 PM permalink HOME
Phelps of The Everlasting Phelps claims that he's written a top 10 list on the "stupid lefty moonbat tricks" topic that's funnier than all 6 of the other permalink contest entries combined.
I agree. Even this one by itself makes my entire masterpiece look like stepped-in dog crap:
2. MoveOn.org starts a petition to impeach GW Bush for perjury about getting his teeth cleaned in Arkansas
Glad he wasn't in the competition. I would've lost my shirt.
No pun intended.
posted by Harvey at 5:43:38 PM permalink HOME
THE BIG G UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
Graumaugus of Frizzen Sparks is one of those guys you just want to slap in the back of the head.
Why? Because he's got MOAB-strength funny inside him, and doesn't belt it out anywhere NEAR often enough.
However, he takes it to the house several times in his long-delayed interview which is now up at Jen's History & Stuff. My favorite bit is this:
What is the most wonderful thing about Tiggers?
They add another interesting psychological twist to the 100 Acre
Wood Institution for Mentally Deranged Stuffed Animals. You have Tigger
(ADHD), Eeeore (Depression), Pooh (Mental Retardation, Food Addiction),
Piglet (Anxiety), Rabbit (Obsessive/Compulsive gardening), Kanga (Drug
Addiction. Trust me, everyone keeps craving her cookies for a reason),
Roo (Obsessive Hero Worship), Owl (Delusions of Grandeur, initial
stages of Alzheimer's), Mole (Obsessive/Compulsive need to fix things),
and Christopher Robin (Visual and Auditory Hallucinations of talking,
walking stuffed animals.)
Not because it's necessarily the best answer he gives in the interview
(there's LOTS of other good stuff), but because I know several young
women who have 100 Acre Woods characters TATTOOED on their otherwise
Bugs Bunny I can understand. He's got moxy. But Tigger? He's nothing
but a brainless, linguini-spined blabbermouth. And can you imagine
getting Eeyore permanently inked onto your ankle? That sad-sack bucket of pathetic, whiny crap? No self-image issues here, no sir.
Bah! The only way I want to visit the 100 Acre Woods is with a match on
a dry summer day. I'll roast marshmallows while I cherish the screams.
posted by Harvey at 5:14:20 PM permalink HOME
MY SUPER LUCKY HAPPY FUN PERMALINK CONTEST NUMBER ONE II ENTRY (NOW WITH RELEVANT LINKS)
December 31, 2004
[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel's
newest and highest-rated news magazine show, "Hard Right", hosted by
the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the
thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]
Good Evening, I'm Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right – "2004: The Year in Review". A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.
But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta's, please? Thanks.
[jiggles breasts gratuitously]
Now to our stories:
Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and
dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers
refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the "YEARRRGGGGH! Party",
and known popularly as the "Scream-ites", this gaggle of gruel-brained
nugget-heads attempted to create a "Draft Dean" movement. Sadly – well,
sadly for THEM, anyway – at the start of their first meeting, when they
all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane
howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building
to implode, killing all inside.
Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello,
Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed
that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard
Dean's original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However,
during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore
down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No
one has taken him seriously since.
Number 8: Immediately after Moore's utter humiliation, Congressional
Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had
somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked,
piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.
Number 7: As the furor around "Piddle-Gate" expanded, Hillary Clinton,
frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her
wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally
televised news conference. The nation's health care system nearly
collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary's news
conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness.
Prune sales plummeted.
Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press
conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that
Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that
Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly
attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by
kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A
grateful nation wept with joy.
Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference,
claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone,
and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community
prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes
tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American
foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime
Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously,
and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, "that
two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.", unquote.
Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored
to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol
Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore
his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the
event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in
Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry
protested Bush's foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the
fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.
Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at
his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for
those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service,
waving signs printed with such vile crap as "Hinckley should've shot
you twice" and "Burn in hell, Bonzo". The enraged crowd turned on the
outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later
dubbed "Kick'n'Piddlestock '04". Sales of the DVD are currently on
track to break the record previously held by the movie "Titanic".
Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics
posted entries on their… what's that word there? "blogs"? What the hell
is a "blog"?… [off camera: "Just read the story, Melinda"]…ok, uh,
"blogs"… * giggle * … that sounds like someone throwing up –
blaaaaaaagh! * snort *… anyway, heh, on their "blogs", calling on
leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the
nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be
allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious
plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher… [off camera: MELINDA!]… * snicker
* … sorry, couldn't resist… blogger Frank J. of IMAO
organized the now-famous counter-protest "Operation Groin Stomp".
Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were
continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the
ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.
And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results
of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected
President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results
were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the
Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President
immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath,
Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon.
Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California
the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the
of fetid hippies started chanting "no blood for green cheese!",
Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked
barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our
beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and
piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.'s brilliant
strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and
That's our recap of the year's top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm
Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying
enthusiastically] are my boobs.
Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.
posted by Harvey at 4:49:52 PM permalink HOME
ABOUT THE PERMALINK CONTEST
I got lucky.
9 times out of 10, in any direct, funny-to-funny competition with Frank
J., he's gonna kick me in the spleen & piddle up my nose. He's
still funnier than me - about 10 times funnier, judging by site traffic
- and he's still at the top of my list of "bloggers I'll never be
This was just one of those happy flukes like the American Olympic
hockey team beating Russia in 1980 (Now a major motion picture starring
Not that Frank is a filthy, bushy-eyebrowed commie who never laughs or smiles. I'm just making an analogy.
Anyway, I want to thank Frank for daring to put his funny where his mouth was and actually going through with this peculiar little exercise.
I want to thank Emperor Darth Misha I for volunteering his time, creativity, and blog space to present us all with the topic over which to do battle.
And I especially want to thank Susie, of Practical Penumbra, for sacrificing a LOT of what precious little blogging time she gets in order to craft the post that was our battleground. Susie, you're still the sweetiest.
Further thanks are in order for my competitors - Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless (who appears to be blogless again), Joey of Single White Male, Kabasue of Kabasue's Little Blog, and Rasta of Behind Enemy Headlines - for having the decency to NOT have a flash of comedic brilliance that would play Eddie Murphy to my Bob Hope.
Finally, to all the kind people who voted for my entry - your checks are in the mail.
posted by Harvey at 4:39:25 PM permalink HOME
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I WON SUPER LUCKY HAPPY FUN PERMALINK CONTEST NUMBER ONE II
10) Certain pictures and negatives will now be mailed to Frank.
Meanwhile, you are instructed to ignore any "inflatable Ann Coulter"
9) I thought the topic was "Top 10 Ways To Get Urine Up A Loony Moonbat Leftist's Nose"
8) That PayPal virtual tip jar on Frank's sidebar ain't there for looks, people.
7) Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock, boobs beat everything.
6) Misha e-mailed me the topic weeks ago. I LOVE virtual tip jars!
5) That clown college degree finally made itself useful.
4) I'm not saying how I curried Susie's favor, but I officially deny that Reddi-Wip was involved
3) I usually take Lithium to keep from being funny, but I spilled the
bottle down the bathroom sink, so I was unmedicated that day.
2) Despite the fact that it's also a light-weight, silvery colored metal, aluminum is NOT a servicable substitute for Lithium
...and the number one reason why I won Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II:
1) Mine's bigger.
posted by Harvey at 3:30:55 PM permalink HOME
Official gloat-post to follow this evening.
Meanwhile, big thanks to Frank, Susie & Misha for putting this together.
posted by Harvey at 7:37:35 AM permalink HOME
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
MORE THOUGHTS ON THE POWER OF IMAGES TO CORRUPT
(following up a bit on this post, inspired by comment input from Marty)
Has anyone actually MET someone who was brainwashed by violent or
perverted images? By which I mean - known them, talked to them, and
were convinced that they were too stupid to be able to understand what
was going on and were therefore the victims of trashy images?
I haven't met any myself, but then again I rarely have cause to hang
out with 60-watt bulbs. On the other hand, the 60-watters I HAVE met
seem to be short-sighted, evil, and criminally greedy by choice, and
gravitate toward low-class images because those images reflect the way
these dregs think most of the time.
Revelling in trash is an effect
of a debased mind, not a cause. Choice precedes pre-occupation, and a
debased mind is the sum total of a lifetime of debased choices. These
choices become habits which feed on themselves and self-perpetuate, but
these habits are by no means permanent or unbreakable. If you've ever
known a scumbag who sincerely "found God", you know what I'm talking
about. I have a brother who, in his younger days, was on the fast track
to hard time, but he had a religious experience & pulled a 180. The
key here was that he chose, practiced, and internalized
a new set of habitual thought patterns. He started spending more of his
time thinking about the Bible, which left less time to think about
drugs and crime.
Elevating your consciousness to a more thoughtful, far-sighted plane is not an easy choice, but it is
a choice, and people make it all the time. I honestly believe ANYONE is
capable of doing it, given sufficient motivation. Once you make the
choice, the existence or non-existence of trashy images becomes
irrelevant. Those images are simply avoided or ignored.
But what about the 60-watters who haven't
chosen the thoughtful life? Well, if you magically removed every dirty
picture from the planet tomorrow at dawn, they'd be scratching naked
stick figures in the dirt before 9am. You can't FORCE these people to
change. You can only inspire them to choose change for themselves.
Maybe by your good example, maybe by a good hard stick-beating, but, in
the end, it has to be their choice.
posted by Harvey at 11:17:49 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
I want to hold you in my arms, gently
Beyond sex and security, prestige and triumph,
To say once and for all, "I love you", and mean it
From the top of my head to the depths of my soul
This is the love that casts out fear
That makes life worth living
That takes a man and a woman on the earth and lifts them finally
Above every power or pain that could wound them
I have seen so many sights, heard so many words
But none as beautiful
As the sight and sound of a man and woman
Who say with their every act
Their eyes and all their being
"I LOVE YOU!"
posted by Harvey at 7:39:34 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[IF YOU KEEP THIS BILL FOREVER IS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME. I [LOVE] YOU ALWAYS NOT METTER WHAT]
"How much you love me" turned out not to be so much "forever" as "travel time to the nearest liquor store".
posted by Harvey at 7:26:47 PM permalink HOME
SO SAYETH THE KING
One of the perks of being the King of the Blogs
is that you have the right to issue a Royal Edict, which is a post of
your choosing that all the KotB judges must link to (commentary
Good King Bill of WalloWorld picked an excellent topic to play with - the left's hypocrisy regarding the effects of imagery on people's minds:
Countless hours spent playing violent video games of course have no
impact on kids (nor could they ever contribute to an environment where
kids shoot their classmates), but The Lord of the Rings can reinforce
racial sterotypes or The Passion is likely to lead to anti-Semitic
After raising the question Bill sums it up in a quick point:
images have power. They may affect different people in different ways, but every image has an impact.
Dang. After all the times I've harangued Bill for prattling on and on
and on, he picks THIS occasion to say his piece & shut up. I wanted
to see this issue get chewed & tasted instead of being swallowed
whole. I hope he chases this down in the future and talks about which
images have what impact, and what, if anything, should be done about
the effects of negative images.
For my part, I'm of the belief that images don't matter nearly as much
as the message surrounding the image. Take, for example, the often
maligned violent Bugs Bunny cartoons of my youth. People were getting
beat up & hurt left and right. But the moral was always the same:
Bugs was just minding his own business, trying to lead his happy little
bunny life, and some jerk started messing with him. Well, Mr. Jerk got
what was coming to him. He deserved the trouble he got. Justice was
Same thing with Popeye. I don't recall him ever throwing the first punch. He was a peaceable sort of fella.
And even my VERY maligned violent video games (especially the
first-person shooters I love like Doom, Duke Nukem, Quake, Jedi Knight,
Soldier of Fortune, etc.) have a message. Evil people need to be killed
by good people to protect the innocent.
My point being that, while I recall the cartoon punches or the splattery image in the game, I more strongly recall the message - sometimes good men must fight.
I think it's a distraction to argue over whether the image is good or bad. Argue the principle that image supports.
posted by Harvey at 7:04:59 PM permalink HOME
JOHN KERRY IN THE AFTERLIFE
If I were in charge of determining John Kerry's eternal punishment, I'd
probably make him forever re-live the 60 seconds after he first heard
that Ralph Nader was running. Just letting that sense of drop-jawed
hopelessness sink in over and over and over...
I'm cruel that way.
But I'm not doling out the punishment, J of Quibbles & Bits is, and he's not that heartless.
He's worse. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Go take a peek at what HE came up with.
posted by Harvey at 6:34:22 PM permalink HOME
PARDON ME, BUT...
Shouldn't Christians be HAPPY that the Jews killed Christ? I mean, no
dead Christ means no salvation. What if the Jews would've said "Nah, put Barrabas on the sticks. RELEASE CHRIST!"?
Then Jesus would have lived out a happy, contented life like in the final scenes of "The Last Temptation of Christ", which is just swell from his perspective, but then everybody else in the world has to burn in hell forever with no chance of redemption.
This is a bad thing, as far as I can tell.
If I were a Christian, and I saw Judas on the street, I'd buy him a
beer. SOMEBODY had to betray Christ. There was a prophecy that needed
fulfilling, Judas did his job, and he did it well.
If you're going to be mad at Judas & the Jews, you might just as
well be mad at the nails & the wood, because they were all just
tools in God's plan.
I don't understand the sadness at Christ's death. Am I missing something?
posted by Harvey at 5:56:57 PM permalink HOME
COUNT ME OUT
It's very rare that I would ever disagree with Matty O'Blackfive on any military-related issue, but the Ohio Patriot Plan is horrible, and I'm opposed to it.
Let's get something straight. I'm former Navy, I support the troops, I
support the President, I support the war. In my estimation, there is NO
POSSIBLE WAY to overcompensate the members of the US Armed Forces, at
home or abroad. They get paid less than a lot of factory workers, but
they work farmers' hours and their job description reads "take a bullet
& smile while you're waiting for it to be fired at you". Go ahead
and give them more money. Give them more benefits. Give them more
privileges. Give them anything.
Give them EVERYTHING. I will GLADLY pay my taxes to help the government
cover the costs, since national defense is one of the few things that
governments are supposed to do.
But that's NOT what this bill does. This bill puts the burden almost entirely on the private sector.
Landlords, credit card companies, cell phone companies, employers, car
rental companies, banks, insurance companies, private colleges, and
utilities. All these entities will be FORCED by law to comply.
I have NO problem with companies that would VOLUNTARILY let their
profits take a hit to support the troops. If I heard someone was doing
that, I'd go out of my way to patronize his establishment. It's good
marketing PR, and I applaud companies that take advantage of that fact.
However, these people should also continue to have the right to NOT
take these expensive actions if they so choose, and to accept the
consequences of that decision in the marketplace.
I don't mind the
provisions of the bill that only affect government entities - direct
deposit for public employees, and the right to stay in the same school
district. In fact, if they wanted to re-write this bill so that paying
the rent (or any of the other above named expenses) of a non-deployed
spouse was now a benefit of active duty, that's fine. I could get
behind that. But don't belt out a laundry list of unfunded mandates for
the private sector and then try to wrap yourself in the flag.
That's not patriotism, that's socialism, and I've had quite enough of that already, thank you.
posted by Harvey at 5:50:08 PM permalink HOME
DAMN! NO PICTURES
Heather of Angelweave talks about how she likes to "Google herself" several times daily.
My goodness but that sounds naughty! I'll have to add it to the list.
Anyway, is it true? Are we a nation of self-Googlers?
It's been months since I Googled myself. Last time I checked, I think I was the #27 hit for "Harvey".
And if I'm looking for adventures in self-discovery, I type in "Harvey is" (with the quotes).
Harvey is sued over work on home
Harvey is extraordinary.
Harvey is quite happy with draft status.
Harvey Is The Pits
Harvey is available
Harvey is already complaining
So... how do YOU like to Google yourself?
posted by Harvey at 5:42:48 PM permalink HOME
Since the Bartender's not posting, looks like the comment party has started back up again in a new post. We've already got boobies & beads & groping gauntlets, so grab your bag of bad bar behavior & head on down.
posted by Harvey at 5:38:37 PM permalink HOME
KING OF THE BLOGS ROYAL RUMBLE RESULTS
Last week was the off-week for the King of the Blogs tournament, which meant that Good King Bill of WalloWorld
got a chance to lounge around on his throne, pick at his bunions, watch
the Royal big-screen HDTV, and be serviced by nubile slave girls.
For six of his kingdom's peasants, however, this was no vacation week.
They were locked in a virtual life-or-death struggle to see who would
go on to battle Bill for the crown this week.
The results are posted here, and the entries are below them in a separate entry.
Here are my reviews. The rest are at the KotB site. Also, if I didn't
link a Rumblor, it's because said Rumblor was a doofus and e-mailed his
entry instead of posting it - thereby passing up a good opportunity for
ROYAL RUMBLE RANKINGS
(Rumblors were ranked by relative strength and then awarded points
relative to their positions. 6 points was the highest score, 1 point
was the lowest)
BLOG SUPPLEMENT: 6
CHALLENGE: Insanely over the top!
AD: Goofy & obscene enough to be in the Superbowl halftime, but where's the salesmanship?
CHALLENGE: Multifaceted & hilarious!
AD: Smug, cocky, and threatening, (which is good) but doesn't really SELL…
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME: 4
CHALLENGE: A truly heart-wrenching tale… * snicker *
AD: Excellent pandering, but no selling.
LOBO WALK: 3
CHALLENGE: Grinworthy, but pretty straightforward
AD: Now THERE'S a sales pitch – shame on you for giving away the fine-print secret,
ECUMENICAL INSANITY: 2
CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A good running gag. Needed a little more set-up, but shows potential.
AD: Whatever it lacks in humor it makes up for in enthusiasm.
LEGAL MEMO-RANDOM: 1
CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A bland effort
posted by Harvey at 7:12:05 AM permalink HOME
Monday, February 23, 2004
PERMALINK CONTEST ENTRIES ARE UP AT IMAO
Go vote for the best one.
Or the funniest one.
Or the one that made you laugh the hardest.
Here's the best way to decide who to vote for. Read the first one, then
count the spittle flecks on your monitor. Wipe clean. Repeat. The one
with the most flecks is the one you should vote for.
posted by Harvey at 11:01:34 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside their soul and you both know it.
posted by Harvey at 10:58:03 PM permalink HOME
MADFISH WILLIE'S COMMENT PARTY
Quite a wild time was had by all, and the whole mess is still available for your reading pleasure.
Also, via Physics Geek, I found one of the pictures from the party that's been circulating on the internet already.
Here we see Eric and Trey rushing forth with gleeful cries to
take their turn on the olive-oil-covered Slip-N-Slide. Behind Trey is
me, (you can sort of make out a leg). I was, at that moment, on all
fours, getting a happy tapping from the "Pleasure Paddle", which
Tiffany wielded with such style and grace - not to mention delicious brutality. Finally, over on the right,
we see Mike the Marine, who was busy getting a Lewinsky from one of the
Corner of the Bar Babes, but I don't remember who.
posted by Harvey at 9:37:32 PM permalink HOME
PHONETIC TRANSCRIPTION DIFFICULTIES
Being the sort of person I am, I often get strange looks from people
after I make... certain innuendo-laden statements. After which I
protest my innocence by saying "what?" as in "why are you looking at me like that? I'm an angel and I couldn't possibly have meant anything dirty".
The question is, how do I write that?
The obvious answer is: "just like you wrote it above, dumbass." But the
problem with that is that it can possibly be confused with the "I didn't hear what you said" "what?" or the "I can't believe I just heard you make that horrifyingly outrageous and offensive statement" "what?"
How do I write the "I'm so innocent" "what?" so as to avoid confusion?
I'm open to suggestions. The more suggestive, the better.
posted by Harvey at 8:01:06 PM permalink HOME
THE KICK-ASSEST MAP
IN OF THE WORLD
Jeff of BigStick.US is working on a project that sounds pretty cool:
This is my plan: I'd like to create a digital map of the world
that shows solely political divisions, yet accessible for any point in
Example: I access the 'Space and Time Map' for the date July 1625. What
would appear on North America would be a colored representation of the
Plymouth colony. On mouseover, this would show some pertinent
information about the colony, and the ruler and system of government,
plus the periods of its existence in that form.
Example 2: I type in 'Pomerania' and access a close up map of Pomerania
at a certain date. I would then be able to manipulate the date using a
slide bar, viewing all the changes of Pomerania throughout it's history.
Example 3: The program would be able to make small 'slide shows' of a
certain region from one date to another, with smooth transitions in
between the border changes, and text of battles or conflicts and
annexations would appear on the screen.
Now, for this, of course it would be my job to do the data entry, being
as boring as that is for most people, and how fun it would be for me.
However, I know absolutely nothing about the programming required to
create the presentation, nor how to program something that would accept
my data entry, nor the form in which it would be entered.
I envision this as being a project for many people, on a purely
voluntary basis, as a free and totally expandable academic resource,
that would be fun for me to do, and maybe become something celebrated
in the world of cartography.
Let me know if:
- You have any suggestions about the programming, method, or content.
- A project like this is already underway.
- You're a fellow cartography afficianado.
- You're interested in developing the system, or in the data entry.
- You can contribute something, anything, to the project.
I personally have nothing to offer at this point except my own big
mouth to spread the word, so I am. If there's anything you can do to
help this fine young American who's currently trapped deep behind enemy
lines in France, stop over & prod his comments.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:08 PM permalink HOME
2 MORE QUESTIONS...
... from Lynn of Reflections in d minor:
If you could have as a pet, any creature from science fiction what would you choose?
I'd get a tribble.
Cute, cuddly, constantly purring - they're like cats without the
attitude. Also quite useful for finding out if John Kerry is a Klingon
If you could own any device from science fiction what would you choose?
Not so much a particular device as the desire to experiment with zero-gravity intimacy. Imagine the possibilities...
posted by Harvey at 7:54:10 PM permalink HOME
IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE...
...Between hurting your back and having your car's alternator take a
crap, stranding you by the side of the road without a cell phone, which
would you choose?
Silly little Susie couldn't make up her mind, so she got both.
Send sympathy, cash, and/or home remedies for back pain to:
c/o OW! OW! OW! MY BACK!
Somewhere, IN 69690h!
posted by Harvey at 7:33:46 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, February 22, 2004
OTHER USES FOR TERRORISTS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Reduce, reuse, recycle, I always say. So once you catch one of these
nasty little terrorist buggers, don't let him rot in a jail cell, put
him to good use:
Combination parachute tester and laser guided missile target.
Mobile radioactive waste disposal unit
McDonald's quality control tester. Pour a cup of coffee on his crotch to see if it's too hot to serve to customers.
Shove a magnet up his ass & use him for a metal detector.
Attack dog training dummy. No more wear and tear on delicate and expensive foam pads.
High voltage power line tester. *ZORCH!* Yup, that one was live.
Fear Factor stunt viability checker. Trying to find sewing needles in a
tub full of rattle snakes – Good idea? Bad idea? Only one way to find
Testicle vise calibrator – and remember, this is for posterity, so please… be honest. How do you feel?
Michael Bolton's sound board technician... No... too cruel.
How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world will soon know. Oops! That's not Tootsie Roll in the center...
Sammy Sosa super-corked batting practice.
New proctologists have to start learning somewhere.
Nipple piercer to the stars. First up, Michael Moore.
Porno movie set mop boy. Damn! Can't find the mop. Well, just squeegee
up what you can with your hands and tongue-wipe the rest. Oh, and Mr. Jeremy needs fluffing.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 10:14:37 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
There's a smile I've waited my whole life for.
posted by Harvey at 9:16:27 PM permalink HOME
Let's see... all capital letters, lots of exclamation points... could
this possibly be the first installment of that $10 million I'm
expecting from Nigeria?
(hat to to currently blogless talented writer HySpeed for the pic)
posted by Harvey at 9:14:25 PM permalink HOME
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I found this series of questions at Lynn's place, and, since she hoped they would be done elsewhere, I'm having a go at them.
1. What is your favorite word?
"Poke", although the explanation for it is rather convoluted. A couple
years ago, Beloved Wife and I went to Chicago to visit Carol, one of
her old college buddies. While we were there, we spent an evening
watching a local avant-garde sketch comedy troupe called "The Neo-Futurists". They're sort of like the Kids in the Hall,
except more American and less televised. One of their sketches started
out with two characters, each one holding a stick. One poked the other,
who declared in a voice most offended, "Hey! You poked me with a
stick!" and then retaliated by poking the other person with his stick.
The response, of
course was "Hey! You poked *me* with a stick!" It went on like this for
a couple minutes, with increasingly silly amounts of stick-poking,
offended declarations, and other characters jumping in with sticks of
their own. All very juvenile & pointless.
Afterwards, however, Beloved Wife and I couldn't resist poking each
other and yelling, "Hey! You poked me with a finger!" (or whatever
other handy poking device was used). To this day, it's a frequent
occurance that one of us will poke the other while saying "poke",
setting off a chain reaction of poking and offended declarations.
Absolutely silly, I know, but it is of such sillinesses that the bonds of love are woven.
2. What is your least favorite word?
I'm agreeing with Lynn on this one and saying "blog", and I'll explain
as I did in her comments. A blog is a beautiful thing to read or write,
but it's an ugly sounding word. It's even worse if someone pronounces
it blawg instead of blahg (which Rush Limbaugh does on occasion).
3. What turns you on (inspires you)?
Playing fetch with my dog Bandit (who is female, despite the name's
usual connotation). It's quiet time and I usually manage to do some
good writing during a session (between tosses, that is).
4. What turns you off?
Again, I'm agreeing with Lynn. Idle small talk is the bane of my
existence. If you're going to use words in my presence, please make
them convey information. Oh, and people who smoke in their cars with
the windows rolled up and then come to my teller window. Sadly, these
are often chatty small-talkers, too. I don't care if people smoke, I
did it myself for more years than I like to think about, but please
5. What sound do you love?
Well, it doesn't transcribe accurately into writing, but there's a
certain sort of heavy, gasping, sighing sound that signals success in
the performance of my husbandly duties...
6. What sound do you hate?
The feeble, dry, solenoid click of a dead-battery car. There's never a
good time to hear that sound, and I've heard it at many of them.
7. What is your favorite curse word? (if any)
F***. It's just so harsh, abrupt, and bitter. It reflects perfectly the
way I feel when I'm frustrated. I use it frequently, much to Beloved
Wife's dismay, and despite years of her best efforts at reform.
8.What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Certified Financial Planner. I have a 4-year degree in Finance from an
accredited state institution of higher learning and an aptitude for
things financial. I don't have the specific training requirements
completed that would allow me to take the exam. How to pay for said
training is an issue of discussion in the Olson household, which may or
may not get resolved in the next year or two.
9. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Home construction. It's either too hot, too cold, or too rainy, and you
work in all of it. Even worse would be the stupid, lazy, unreliable,
untrustworthy co-workers. I realize that there are some good
people who work in the industry, too, but I also know that whenever a
woman tells me about her latest ne'er-do-well boyfriend, the phrase
"he's a construction worker" almost invariably pops up.
10. Presupposing that Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Due to an uncorrectable clerical error, you may stay."
posted by Harvey at 1:42:09 PM permalink HOME
OK, NOW I'M GLAD I WORK AT A BANK
Outside of customers who smell waaayyyy
too much like either farm or cigarettes (or both), I don't really have
too much trouble with incredibly dense & irritating customers.
Via Teresa of Technicalities, I found out that Serenity is not so fortunate:
A family comes in to the restaurant for dinner. They begin to order
and everything is going along smoothly. That is until the one member
places their order.
Idiot: "I want the chicken platter."
Me: "Ok, what would you like to drink with that?"
Idiot has discussion with another family member and totally ignores question. I wait. And wait.
Idiot: "No, actually, I want the fish instead."
Me: "Ok, you want the fish and not the chicken right?"
Me: "Ok, so no on the chicken platter and get the fish."
Me: "Ok." (Begins repeating entire order back to table.)
Idiot: "No, I want the chicken."
Oh yes, there's more. But the BEST part is the first comment from George of Bastard Sword, who puts the ultimate waitress fantasy into words.
posted by Harvey at 12:40:40 PM permalink HOME
Friday, February 20, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Love is when you have a bad day, but when you see the one you love, everything seems ok.
posted by Harvey at 10:56:29 PM permalink HOME
Trying to raise money to repair the extensive damage resulting from the comment party, The Bartender from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon took to handing out subtle hints with his customer's change.
posted by Harvey at 10:53:52 PM permalink HOME
I AM A SHORTSIGHTED FOOL
I'm a strong believer in fact-checking, so before I hit post on
something, I'll usually try to think through the consequenses of my
words, and do any necessary Googling ahead of time.
However, Space Monkey of The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles pointed out a recent HUGE error in my thinking. Mr. Monkey recently suggested
that, in order to stay true to the "where was George" standard, we
should demand to know John Kerry's whereabouts at 7 minute intervals in
order to be able to safely say that "he did not have sex with that
woman, Alexandra Polier". In the comments, I stated that perhaps 7 seconds would be more appropriate, as Democrats aren't exactly known for their staying power.
Oh, yes, I am amusing, but also dumber than a granite pancake, as Monkey explains:
You see, Following the Terry Mcauliff Scandal Handbook 2004 Release the plan is we get the 7 minute version, pretend to peruse it for a millisecond or two and THEN declare/demand, in order,
"Hey, what are you hiding here? There are 6 minute 59 second gaps between every entry."
"Where's the video coverage?"
"Why is there no independent confirmation of the 10:33am restroom entry of July 3rd, 1989?"
"Where are the botox treatment entries?"
"What is NOT in here says more than what IS in here!"
BUSH Kerry covering up?"
Then we demand and get the one minute version and keep going and keep going until
Kerry Bush is elected or some other more scandalous scandal is generated from all of this sewermongering.
Be patient, Harvey, we'll get the 7 *second* version, don't you worry. Don't you worry.
I gratefully acquiese to the wisdom of my betters on this issue.
posted by Harvey at 10:42:57 PM permalink HOME
DEATH BY GROUP WORK
I'm not a team player. I hate working in groups, because I'm smart,
perceptive, dilligent, and I write well. Which means that,
statistically, anyone you group me with is likely to be stupid, dull,
lazy, and illiterate by comparison. The typical result of group work
for me is that the ankle-weights ride my coat-tails to a better grade,
and I only hope and pray that they don't actively try to do anything
obstructive in the meantime. There was one particularly horrid project
where some squish-noggin who hadn't even done the reading actually tried to argue with me on which course of action to take.
I don't mind if people are dumb, as long as they stay out of my way while they're doing it.
The only good group work
experience I ever had was where we had to do some surveys and present
the results in front of the class, with a 5-page paper due on the
I lived off campus, the other 3 lived on. What I proposed was that, if
they'd do all the surveying, I'd write the entire paper - sort of the
"division of labor according to talent theory". They were a little
uncertain at first, but after I showed them an editorial I'd written
for the campus paper, they trusted me. Even though we didn't "each do a
little" in every area, and I probably put more actual clock time into it than they did, it still felt fair, and I was happy to share the A.
That, and we all agreed the prof was a stupid cow.
On the other hand, if you find yourself in a group with
some complete slack-off tail-dragger who meets your group for the first
time on the day the assignment is due, then... well, Trey shows how this ought to be handled.
posted by Harvey at 10:19:45 PM permalink HOME
ON CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
In San Francisco, they're marrying gay folks in violation of State Law. In the comments to this entry at Note-It Posts,
there's some debate on the virtues of this move. Dana says these folks
are elected officials, and their job is to uphold the law whether they
like it or not. Mikey argues that when there's a bad law, a little
civil disobedience is in order.
I think Mikey misunderstands what civil disobedience is all about. The
purpose is NOT to violate the unjust law. The PURPOSE is to gain
sympathy from bystanders for your cause. Here's how it works: you do
something harmless, yet illegal - say sitting at a lunch counter. But
your goal is not to eat lunch. Your goal is to have the authorities
enforce the law by arresting you. You don't resist, but you don't
assist, you just let them drag you away. Then you sit in jail for the
"crime" of wanting a hambuger. Other folks around the nation get pissed
off & tell their elected officials to scrap the laws because being
dragged off to jail for sitting on a stool seems so insanely
If the San Franciscans wanted to engage in civil disobedience, they'd
have gay couples trying to get arrested for being married so that
people could see the injustice. As it is, they're just flouting the law
like childish, unprincipled anarchists, and they're not getting
If you're going to do this, folks, then do it to the hilt.
Don't dabble. It makes you look foolish.
posted by Harvey at 10:06:41 PM permalink HOME
The Bartender has returned from hiatus and posted part 3 of the Lush Lexicon at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Some of my favorites include:
A shot of strong liquor.
Mysterious Drinking Accident. When
you wake up with bruises and cuts you have no recollection of
receiving. Also called UPI (Unidentified Party Injury), UBB
(Unidentified Beer Bruise) and drunk marks.
No Beers Required: Someone sufficiently attractive enough to hit on while sober. [Harv's note: see also "Corner of the Bar Babe"]
One for the ditch
A less optimistic version of One for the road.
Plenty more at the bar.
Meanwhile, Barkeep is pretty testy about the mess we left from the comment party, and in the comments to this post
hints broadly that he's thinking about shutting the place down. I
figure if we get him drunk enough, he'll forget all about THAT dumbass
idea. He's holding last call right now, so stop by, buy one for
yourself and one for him, and tell him he's loved & needed.
Or tell him "F*** you, Bartender", which is about the same thing.
posted by Harvey at 10:02:12 PM permalink HOME
WINNING FRANK J'S FUNNY
The Top 10 topic is up at the Emperor's Palace:
"Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004"
Submissions were due today. I got mine in last night.
I must admit that, when I first saw the topic, my intial reaction
was... less than enthusiastic. Since the news lately has been nothing
but the Democratic primaries, nothing much immediately suggested
itself. I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach - "I've got
NOTHING! How the hell am I going to get 10 somethings in 24 hours? I'm DOOMED!"
The first idea hit me before I left from work. Another one followed
during the drive home. The rest came in fairly short order once I sat
down at home in front of my computer.
It's a good list, and right now, it's in Susie's
warm, sensitive hands, awaiting its moment to be posted on the IMAO
stage this Monday, where it will prance in the limelight with its five
Is it good enough to beat the 4 minor competitors? Probably.
Can it beat Frank J? ...possibly... I really think... possibly.
Don't try to figure out which is mine. Just go vote for the best one. Either it's mine, or I don't deserve to win.
Quite possibly it's mine, though. Oh yes. Quite possibly.
posted by Harvey at 9:53:01 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, February 19, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
It's good to have someone like you in my life...
Someone with whom I can share so much of me.
posted by Harvey at 10:53:59 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Ozzy 4 ever]
Heh. I went to high school with a lot of guys like this. Now they're old enough to run for President...
posted by Harvey at 10:46:47 PM permalink HOME
JOY OF BLOGGING
Kevin of Wizbang took a little
time off and left his blog in the hands of anyone who wanted to
guest-post. One of the guest-posters, (looks like it was Irritable Blog Syndrome) takes a late bite out of the Pretentious Twit/Twat apple.
There are really too many good lines to pick out the money quote, but I
especially enjoyed the observations in the last paragraph, although the
stuff before that is good, too and I recommend reading the whole thing.
Finally, we have a medium that
relegates the first impression back to the void whence it came.
Blogging has turned housewives and truckers into respected pundits,
lawyers into comedians, and doctors and bankers into satirists.
Pretentious twits? I think not. Blogging is the revolution of real-time
credibility. It is the new Renaissance and like those of the original,
we'll be fact checking your ass.
Ok, maybe I'm biased on liking this because I'm one of those
banker-satirists, but I also wanna give him bonus points for coining
the phrase "zombie meme" in his intro.
posted by Harvey at 5:38:27 PM permalink HOME
YEAH, THAT WOULD FALL INTO THE "LIE" CATEGORY
AP Headline: "Laura Bush Says Gay Marriage 'Shocking'"
Teresa of Technicalities goes on to quote what she ACTUALLY said, and it's barely in the same ballpark.
Someone at AP really needs to have Bitey the Possum lock teeth through his scrotum until he can learn how to write headlines properly.
posted by Harvey at 5:32:23 PM permalink HOME
Matty O'Blackfive has a lot to say about whether John Kerry earned his medals. Mike the Marine also has some thoughts on the arbitrary & capricious manner in which military medals are handed out.
My personal opinion is that 30-year old medals aren't the issue, character is. And on John Kerry's character, Matt says this:
I don't care for John Kerry at
all. I personally think that he disgraced the military by his actions.
I also believe that, by protesting the war in the manner in which he
chose, he had a part in helping us lose the war, lose lives, and
setting us back in the Cold War. I believe him to be a crook,
duplicitious and conniving. I don't believe that he served the citizens
of this country (let alone Massachusets) well. I certainly don't
believe that he should be a Senator - let alone President. I would
never shake John Kerry's hand.
I second that emotion.
posted by Harvey at 5:29:55 PM permalink HOME
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
[Something a little different today. Besides being the first big-time blogger to put me on his blogroll, Reid of Photodude is also a fantastically talented photographer, and this shot just stunned me]
Prettiest. Rose. Ever.
That's you, Beloved Wife
But this one is a close second :-)
posted by Harvey at 11:38:02 PM permalink HOME
What the hell is that thing? A
cat? A devil? Whatever it is, the important thing to learn is that you
should NEVER buy your Halloween costume in Streator, Illinois.
posted by Harvey at 11:34:33 PM permalink HOME
I'M NOT A CONSERVATIVE, BUT I PLAY ONE IN YOUR COMMENTS
Via Carnival of the Vanities #74, which Four Right Wing Wackos serves up in the most compact iteration ever, I found an intriguing post by Sir Francis Drake of Drake's Drum.
I've listened to Rush Limbaugh on & off for years, (mostly
depending on whether I'm in my car while he's on), and I've heard him
mention what he refers to as "seminar callers" on several occasions.
These are liberals who have, figuratively, taken the "how to make it
past the conservative talk show host's call-screener" seminar. Once
they get put on the air, they claim to be former conservatives who now
see the liberal light on the topic du jour.
According to Drake, these types of folks are, of late, showing up in
comments on conservative blogs, pretending to be disaffected
these comments are blatantly phoney to anyone who actually is a conservative:
A lot of email seems to be
appearing lately claiming something like, they are a "Life Long
Republican," and usually then goes on to note they are a big a big
admirer or Rush Limbaugh or they voted for Bush.
They remind me not of comments
from truly irritated conservatives but instead of Nigerian spam mail or
fake virus warnings. OK, so they aren't written in block capitals, but
you have the same near miss on the language. Just as the well
established e-mail hoaxes are almost but not quite grammatical, so
these are almost but not quite authentic - "a big admirer of Rush
For fun, Drake suggests making up some "near miss" comments from these fake jakes. His offering:
"I'm a big supporter of the 2nd Amendment, and even want to own Assault Weapons and all"
I think I'll try one:
"I really enjoyed reading the 10 Commandments, and God is one of my favorite authors, but..."
posted by Harvey at 11:21:42 PM permalink HOME
EVIL GLENN'S CHILDREN'S STORIES
(A FILTHY LIE)
While shopping for the Stephen King's latest installment in the Dark
Tower series at Amazon.com (I REALLY hope he finishes the whole thing
before he gets hit by another van), I came across a book entitled "Evil
Mother Glenn's Nursery Rhymes". Curious, I used the "search inside"
feature to find out what our vile nemesis has been scribbling. Here's a
sample of what I found:
Reynolds had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
Killing hobos with its fangs...
Uh, something here's not right.
Mary, Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow
With hobo bods
Beneath the sod
Cuz I'm Glenn's bitch, you know.
Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
The little dog laughed to see such sport
And was promptly blended for his insolence.
Old Glenn Cole was an evil old soul
and a viscious puppy blender was he
Did a quick robot dance
Put a penguin in his pants
And girly-punched Frank J with glee
Old Glenn Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get a glass of warm puppy goo
But when he got there
The cupboard was bare
So he murdered a hobo in lieu
Little Glenn Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his puppy pie
He stuck in his thumb
It wasn't a plumb
He'd skewered the poor doggy's eye!
Peter, Peter, puppy eater
Mixed his dog shakes with a beater
"Glenn may like to use a blender,
But my way makes them much more tender"
Baa baa Instapundit have you any pups?
Yes sir, yes sir, three big cups.
One is for breakfast, one is for lunch
One is for the afterglow when Frank J. I punch.
Glenn Reynolds is a sick, sick man.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:44:20 PM permalink HOME
RETURN OF THE BEAR
After taking almost 2 weeks off, N.Z. Bear of The Truth Laid Bear,
beloved keeper of the Ecosystem, and long-suffering impartial moderator
of the Great Blog War, has returned.
After thinking things over, he'd like to do more actual blogging and
less wrestling with annoying scripts. To that end, the New Blog
Showcase is on indefinite hiatus.
The TTLB site has dropped from Higher Being to Playful Primate. Why?
Because the Bear fixed the script so it only counts links to his front
page. Links to the Ecosystem don't count for him any more. I'm
adjusting my blogroll accordingly.
Welcome back, Bear.
posted by Harvey at 4:35:10 AM permalink HOME
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Since you are my sunshine and I am your raindrop, together we can create an everlasting rainbow of love.
posted by Harvey at 8:32:06 PM permalink HOME
In the grips of an irresistable redecorating frenzy, LeeAnn
re-does her kitchen, her blog, and was just starting in on the money in
her purse before the GM1 could finally persuade her to sit down, relax,
and have a Buttery Nipple.
posted by Harvey at 8:30:08 PM permalink HOME
WIZBANG'S WEEKEND CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
Oh, you've just gotta see this one.
A bunker-buster indeed.
Super-Atomic Drink Alert in effect.
posted by Harvey at 8:07:31 PM permalink HOME
SONG WRITTEN, PRODUCED, AND PERFORMED BY ELTON O'BLACKFIVE
Matty's got a Candle in the Wind song parody up, with Howard "Howler Monkey" Dean being the subject. Here's the first verse:
Goodbye Howard Dean
Never winning a state at all
Screamed like you were on fire
Your campaign began to stall
And it whispered into your brain
You thought it was inconceivable
That you'd lose a campaign
The chorus is at his place.
He's also asking for help writing the second verse. I don't know the
song well enough to oblige, myself, but feel free to take a crack at it
if you're so inclined.
posted by Harvey at 8:03:34 PM permalink HOME
ON TO BETTER PROJECTS
Now that Kalat, the Iraqi artist who was forced to waste his talents
making statues of Saddam, is free to do as he pleases, he has created
one of the most touching bronze pieces I've ever seen. This would make
a great Iraq War monument.
John of Argghhh! has the picture & description.
(link found via Lynn of Reflections in d minor)
posted by Harvey at 8:00:19 PM permalink HOME
KING OF THE BLOGS TOURNAMENT RESULTS
causes more than just writer's block - it's causing poster's block
(where thought you posted an entry, but it's just sitting there in
draft mode, mocking you). Happened to me at Alliance HQ, had a posting
failure a couple days ago right here, and now at KotB.
Nevertheless, the results are finally up.
Walloworld is the new King of the Blogs, and, as I predicted, his self-absorbed narcissism will serve him well as he rolls the betrayed and murdered corpse of Christweb off of what is now HIS throne. I expect he'll link himself at least a dozen times in his acceptance speech.
As for the reviews themselves, it's nice to see Marty of Vigilance Matters
back in the thick of things, swinging his Louisville Slugger around.
He's always been the Oscar the Grouch of the Judge's bench, but I think
someone whizzed in his Wheaties the morning he wrote his reviews. He
seemed slightly more uncharitable than normal.
Susie's a little more descriptive than usual, and spent a little time fawning over Charlie's gratuitous ass-kissing.
Mr. Dodge - still stuffy.
Pietro - well, for all his Fozzie-bashing, I was shocked at how kindly & supportive he was when doing Charlie's review. Elsewhere, he gave a detailed breakdown in the whole-blog review section that new KotB participants will want to pay close attention to. I think I'm gonna like working with this guy.
Rick & Dawn were probably out drinking all weekend & missed the review submission deadline. Pity, that.
Coming later this week, while Good King Bill sits on his throne, idly
tossing stones & knives at his Royal Lackeys for his own amusement,
there will be a free-for-all amongst a select list of next week's
potential King of the Blogs participants: The Royal Rumble.
Participants will all answer a single question in 150 words or less,
the top 5 entrants will advance to do battle with the current King of
the Blogs in the next tournament.
The losers? - back to the end of the line.
More news on that as it becomes available.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:16 PM permalink HOME
NOT MY VIRGINS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
"-ake that, you filthy infidel American pig dogs!", cried Abdul
Al'splosion, finishing the sentence he had begun before setting off his
Kufr-Killr Bombr Belt (TM).
He paused, examining the barren, blackened, sulphurous landscape.
"Where the hell am I?" he asked himself, as he tucked the dangly
remains of his intestines into his now-combustion-stained Sans-A-Belt
"Funny you should ask it that way," said a voice. As Abdul turned to
look, a short, red, goatee-faced man with horns atop his head the color
of hillbilly teeth pulled up in a small motorized vehicle. The words
"EvilMobile" were painted on both sides in neatly flowing
Coca-Cola-esque script. It looked suspiciously like a golf cart, with
the exception of a heavily modified engine.
"Hey," asked Abdul, "that thing got a Hemi?"
"By technical specifications, yes. But it's actually fueled by the
agony of tormented souls instead of gasoline." The strange man exited
his cart, and cloven-hoofedly trotted up to the confused
ex-Islamofascist. His leering face leaned in close to Abdul's, invading
his personal space.
"Hi," he said, his breath redolent of Limburger ravioli. "I'm Satan."
Abdul gazed at the legendary hell spawn, who, at 3'6", towered menacingly over nothing.
"Somehow I always thought you'd be..."
Satan's face blazed with an insane rage rarely seen outside of a Howard Dean campaign speech.
"YES! TALLER! I KNOW!" he shrieked. Calming slightly, he continued, "Do you think this is easy
for me? Ya know, when I used to be an Angel of Light, I was SEVEN
FREAKIN' FEET TALL! I was the star of Heaven's basketball team! I could
out-dunk that punk-ass Daddy's-boy Jesus six ways to Sunday! But after
The Fall, well... let's just say that gravity was a bitch and it was a
"But," Satan continued, "at least I'm not the one
who mistook dynamite for a cummerbund." His smug visage beamed with the
all bitter joy of Maureen Dowd typing the word "AWOL".
"But... but... I don't understand!" Abdul protested, nervously toying with his dangling left eyeball, "This is supposed to be Paradise! There were supposed to be 72 nubile virgins eager to satisfy my every whim!"
"HA! HA! HA!" Satan's laughter boomed pipsqueakily, "I can't BELIEVE
how gullible you are! Did you actually think that the reward for
the bloody murder of innocents was going to be a bevy of pre-stardom
"But the Koran said..."
"That part of the Koran was
written by the same people who wrote those "Add 3 to 5 inches
guaranteed" spam e-mails. I suppose you responded to THOSE, too?"
"I... YOU SHUT UP! Do not mock my AAA Duracell of love!" screamed Abdul
defiantly, cowering like a Frenchman and wetting himself with fear and
"Heh. Don't worry about it Splodey. Can I call you Splodey? Look, Splodey, I get a lot of you teeny-weenied sand-monkeys down here. For some reason, you all think that a big boom will make up for your tiny toothpick. I can't imagine how you figure you can satisfy 72 love-hungry sex-wenches when you vaporize even the itty-bitty hump-stump Allah saw fit
to grace you with in the first place. But that's
not my concern." Satan rubbed his scabby, taloned hands together with
the eagerness of Michael Moore contemplating a hog trough full of
Twinkies. "My concern is... torture."
Abdul gulped and darkened his slacks to the cuffs. "Torture?" he squeaked?
"Yes, torture!" Satan squeaked back in a mocking, high-pitched, girly voice, which was indistinguishable from his normal one.
"What... what are you going to do to me?" asked Abdul miserably, as
"French surrender-biscuits" slid down the back of his pants and piled
up by his heels.
"Well," said the diminutive Prince of Darkness, "ya got your choice. Either an eternity of pineapple enemas..."
"EEP!" said Abdul, his chute clenching in anticipated torture and shutting off the biscuit flow.
"Or... you can return to Earth
and live out the remainder of your natural life." finished Satan, an
odd little used-car-salesman's smirk gracing his lips.
"There must be some sort of catch," said Abdul as he grabbed his left
eye so that he could point it at the vertically-challenged imp to look
at him suspiciously. "You're going to send me back all torn apart like
I am now, aren't you?"
Satan put on his best "Clinton at a deposition" face and acted hurt. "How could you even suggest
such a thing?" he pouted, biting at his lower lip. "I've been nothing
but honest with you since you got here." Crocodile-shaped tears
trickled down his face.
"BULLSHIT! You're the FATHER of lies!"
Satan shrugged, "The results of that paternity suit were inconclusive, at best."
Manually eyeballing Satan warily, Abdul asked, "So... I really get to go back? No weird little Twilight Zone twist?"
The Underworld Overlord's undersized face relaxed into a broader,
insurance-salesman-style grin. "Well, ok. I have to admit that there is
one small catch."
"HA!" shouted Abdul with the overconfidence of Al Gore counting the
popular vote, "I knew it! What evil trick do you have in store for me?"
Satan's cheeks puffed out briefly and collapsed back as he stifled a
guffaw of triumphant laughter - hook, line... - "you'll go back as a
"Hmmm..." mused Abdul, pointing his dangly left orb upward to
contemplate the possibilities, "sunshine, green grass, lots of
mating... Ok. Bunny rabbit it is."
"Sinker." muttered Satan, smiling inwardly.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing," said the unimposingly-proportioned antithesis of
goodness, "Just wishing you all the best." He waved cheerily, and
thusly dispensed Abdul to his new fate.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled the puny Beast of Revelations, as he jumped into the EvilMoblie and turned the key.
"AWWWWW CRAP! I left the headlights on!"
...Meanwhile, on the set of Steve Irwin's Crocodile Hunter show...
"...And what do crocs love to eat the best?" hollered an ebullient Irwin to the bus-load of third-graders who were taking the behind-the-scenes tour.
"Squirming fuzzy bunnies!" returned the bloodthirsty youthful chorus.
"They sure do! Now my lovely wife, Terri, will 'and me one of those tasty morsels... Thanks, luv... Crikey! This one's a frisky little bugger! Look at 'im wiggle! It's almost like 'e knows what's comin'! 'E's makin' a lot
of noise for a rabbit! Almost sounds like 'e's saying "pineapple" over
'n over... Well, enough 'rigglin' & squigglin' - into the pond with
ya, snack chip!"
After an exaggerated wind-up, Irwin arced the furry dumpling into the containment area.
"Crikey!" shouted Irwin admiringly, "that 'ungry croc nabbed 'em on the first bounce! What a catch!"
"Now kiddies," Irwin explained, "although this may seem 'arsh and
cruel, it's just nature's way of keepin' down the population on those
pesky, floppy-eared buggers. Blokes like me what keeps crocs fed for a
livin' even got a little sayin' to help us keep our perspective:"
SIC SEMPER T' RABBITS!
posted by Harvey at 7:17:07 PM permalink HOME
COME GET SOME
Comment party at Madfish Willie's continues unabated. Currenty at 53.
They're breakin' out the Mardi Gras beads now, and you know what that means, right?
posted by Harvey at 7:33:49 AM permalink HOME
Monday, February 16, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
I wanted to kiss this woman so bad, I wondered how I would stay alive without it.
posted by Harvey at 11:43:40 PM permalink HOME
[If you find this $ you will have good luck 4 7 yrs.]
DAMMIT! I ordered one of those "beat the urinalysis" kits, and they sent me this!
posted by Harvey at 11:41:47 PM permalink HOME
A PERSUASIVE CASE
In a recent post,
I briefly mentioned the importance of being able face facts and deal
with them objectively when discussing controversial subjects. In that
case, it was to consider the possible benefits of using Nazi doctor
data to benefit medical science.
It turns out that hM of homicidalManiak wrote an extraordinarily well-thought-out paper
on exactly that topic in her senior year of high school. Although I
found it a little uncomfortable to read some of the details of the
brutal human experiments, I found her essay to be well-written,
even-handed, informative, and persuasive. If you have any interest at
all in the Holocaust, it's well worth the 5-10 minutes it takes to read.
posted by Harvey at 10:05:22 PM permalink HOME
I KNOW WHO THE KERRY INTERN IS
It's the Gleeful Extremist
I want to tell you all something.
I am the Kerry intern.
GE break it down for you. I was young and dumb. He was on his first
botox treatment and still had that "come hither" look before that
ketchup woman destroyed him. Those beautiful eyes. That Gallic profile.
That shaggy haircut. Sigh.
We met when he was already in the
Senate and hadn't finished cashing all the checks from his first wife.
He spread the money around like it was going out of style. I was just
an intern and thrilled to be working for a fellow whose ideals so
closely matched those of
al Quaeda the rest of the
international community. When he started paying special attention to
me, I thought it was because I had worn a headscarf that day.
Heh. Go read the rest.
posted by Harvey at 7:15:31 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, February 15, 2004
[Begin - Who ever has this bill
buy a power ball and u will have the luck of a lepracon and you will
foresure win but ya gotta give me a cut because you gotta help a
brother out - end]
It worked! I won $10 million!
Here's your dollar back, bro. Consider it "your cut".
posted by Harvey at 8:54:47 PM permalink HOME
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED! BY A COOKIE!
Darren of Colorado Conservative has a post on an
affirmative-action-mocking bake sale sponsored by the CU College
Republicans (Darren forgot to link his source, but this one's pretty close). These have become fairly standard events across the
country, where honkies get charged a buck for the baked goods, and
minorities get discounts. I think it fairly well demonstrates the
silliness of racial preferences.
What got me going was this line:
CU officials initially objected to the bake sale saying it would be a violation of the 1964 civil rights act.
Discounted baked goods are a violation of Federal Law?
Must be all those evil carbs.
As an afterthought, I'm wondering what would happen if someone held a bake sale where whitey got the discount?
posted by Harvey at 3:36:45 PM permalink HOME
I WAS JUST CURIOUS
and now you know the truth.
(Link via Candy of Candy Universe (2-1-03 CTRL+F "bitchy"))
posted by Harvey at 2:33:03 PM permalink HOME
OK, YOU'RE NOT STUFFY
Pietro, at Smarter Cop has taken slight offense at my having referred to him as "stuffy" over one of his King of the Blogs reviews where he dissed Where The Hell Was I?'s brand of goofy humor. He explains thusly.
That depends on what you call 'goofy humor'. If you're referring to the
smash-a-brick-over-your-head or fight-with-vegetables or
holy-hand-grenade type of humor such as the type produced and performed
by Monty Python, I have no such prejudices against it. If, however,
someone came up to me and shouted "Look! I'm funny! Laugh, darn it!
[Expletive Deleted] See? That's funny! I said a bad word! Wakka wakka!"
I would not laugh, I would give them a polite kick in the head. That's
not Monty Python type humor, that's Fozzie Bear type humor. Once you've
learned irony and satire, it's hard to go back to yuk-yuks.
Fair enough. I stand corrected.
On the bright side, if Charlie's looking for an "about me" quote, here ya go:
Charlie is the Fozzie Bear of blog humorists.
posted by Harvey at 2:12:11 PM permalink HOME
SO THAT'S WHERE CANDY HEARTS COME FROM
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks brought it up, so I tracked down the quote from a transcript of Futurama:
Gwen: My family has been making these hearts since the 1900's. Tastes may have changed but our secret recipe sure hasn't.
[She points to a machine mixing Bone Meal and Earwig Honey.
Sounds about right.
posted by Harvey at 1:25:58 PM permalink HOME
NOT SURE WHAT GENDER YOU ARE?
Confused by those harsh and discriminatory bathroom door symbols?
Do you go to college in Beloit, Wisconsin?
Heather of Angelweave is here to help you out. Next time you need to pee, just look for this symbol.
(Additional hat tip to Boots & Sabers).
posted by Harvey at 12:39:55 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
My favorite place to be is inside of your hugs where it's warm and loving.
posted by Harvey at 12:02:57 AM permalink HOME
[Religion is something left over
from the infancy of our intelligence. It will fade away as we adopt
reason and science as our guidelines.]
Unable to get "In God We Trust" removed from U.S. currency, the ACLU settles for "equal time".
posted by Harvey at 12:00:53 AM permalink HOME
Saturday, February 14, 2004
HMMM... SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT HITLER?
Physics Geek pointed out a story about a teacher in upstate New York who provoked a little controversy with one of her assignments:
A 10th-grade social studies teacher caused a storm of criticism from
parents after she conducted a lesson in which students were asked to
debate the positive and negative effects of Adolf Hitler, Benito
Mussolini and Joseph Stalin.
Positive effects of Hitler? Like... uh... for example?
medical experiments conducted on concentration camp prisoners during the Holocaust led to advancements in the medical field
Interesting theory. In a very specific way, I agree with her.
When judging anything to be either good or bad, there are always two implied questions: for whom? and by what standard?
The Holocaust is generally considered bad. For whom? The innocent people who were murdered. The standard? Murdering innocent people is bad.
The teacher looked at the Holocaust in a different context for her assignment, and concluded that, in that context, the Holocaust was good. For whom? The innocent people whose lives were saved by Holocaust-inspired medical experiments. The standard? Saving innocent people's lives is good.
From there, you can go on to judge whether the harm from the millions
dead outweighed the good from the thousands saved, and it's so
overwhelmingly obvious that it does that the question is never asked in
polite company. However, I will say that in the isolated, well-delineated, and very specific context which I described above, it is true that the Holocaust was "good".
What bothers me about this story is NOT that the teacher chose an
abnormal perspective on the Holocaust, it's the Principal's reaction:
"I believe it was inappropriate and insensitive to the Jewish students,"
To him, it's not about whether the teacher's statements were even
slightly true in a very narrow context, it's about whether someone's
feelings got hurt.
The "no child offended" standard of education pisses me off when howling moonbat leftists do it to keep kids from drawing a picture of soldier with a gun,
and it pisses me off here, too. Context, facts, truth, arguments,
discussion, reason, logic - all of it sacrificed to the gods of
inoffensiveness. There's nothing wrong with making kids stretch their minds, even if it makes them uncomfortable, if for no other reason than the fact that discomfort is a part of life, and it does these children an unfathomable disservice to not teach them how to deal with that.
I don't know why the teacher chose her odd assignment. I also don't
know how clear she was in informing her students that the tiny "good
part" can't possibly outweigh the overwhelming "bad part". The story
doesn't say. All I know is that children have to learn how to think and
judge and reason, regardless of how it makes them feel,
because only by doing so can they eventually become the vigilant
citizenry capable of preserving and protecting the free nation in which
posted by Harvey at 11:36:23 PM permalink HOME
HMMM... SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT THE 70'S?
J of Quibbles & Bits pegs the bitter meter with a short list of reasons why the 70's sucked.
Yeah, the music sucked, the color scheme sucked, the Presidents sucked,
and ALL THAT HAIR! On the head, on the face, on the chest, on the
crotch... just nasty.
One thing he missed was that particularly unpleasant shade of orange that was in a lot of places. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.
He hinted that he might try to come up with something good about the 70's. I can think of 4 things, but that's about it:
Boston's first album.
Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon".
After that, I draw a blank. Anyone else have any ideas?
posted by Harvey at 10:23:54 PM permalink HOME
WIN FRANK J.'s FUNNY!
There's a new permalink contest at IMAO, and there's still time to throw your hat in the ring. Instead of that multi-week mess that happened last time around, this is going to be one quick flash:
Write the funniest Top Ten list you can on a topic to be announced.
6 blogs enter, one blog leaves.
The twist is that Frank J. will be one of the entrants. He's assuming he'll win, and he'll just give a permalink to #2.
He may be right about that, but we'll see. The other twist is that, since I was First Loser in the last permalink contest, I'm entitled to a slot in this one. Which leaves 4 open slots, to be filled through random selection.
It's been 6 months since the last contest, and I've learned a LOT about funny since then. This is going to be interesting.
Oh, and speaking of funny, the twerp who pulled "One bullet at a time"
out of his ass to screw me out of the big prize in the last contest?
He's not even blogging anymore.
posted by Harvey at 9:56:42 PM permalink HOME
KING OF THE BLOGS:
WEEK 2 – CHALLENGE & WHOLE BLOG REVIEWS
Here are my judgments with scores omitted to retain suspense. The final
results will be available at the KotB home page soon, and I'll let you
know the outcome. If you're a betting man, put a couple on ChristWeb.
He's gonna be tough to beat forever.
The Challenge Question this week: Why do you think what you have to say is important to blog readers?
GOOD POINTS: Wants his readers to attain enlightenment. Will make a fine Buddha some day.
BAD POINTS: Forgot to drop Jesus's name in the list of important things
he has to say. Stephen should probably expect a small box of wrath to
be FedEx'd to his door in the near future for the omission.
GOOD POINTS: Bill comes clean about the source of his
succinctness phobia. Apparently it was something he picked up in law
school. He also takes the opportunity to LINK HIS OWN BLOG SEVEN
FREAKING TIMES in one post. Such self-absorbed narcissism will serve
him well should he step over Stephen's twitching corpse to ascend to
BAD POINTS: Took so long to finish reading this post, that, before I
got the end, I had to stop to shave. Twice. This isn't the OJ trial,
it's a blog entry. That nascent wit you're working on? Brevity is the
soul of it.
WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
GOOD POINTS: "I don't." he says. "YES!" I say. Someone finally got the answer right by rejecting the premise of the question. Kudos, Charlie. Bonus for the phrase "upsnort Sanka".
BAD POINTS: I was going to take about 5 points off for tossing in all
those gratuitous, stream-of-consciousness asides, but I had a
growing-Grinch-heart epiphany – this sort of unplanned bizarrity IS
Charlie. That aside, I must still remind him that throwing darts at
stamps has nothing to do with chewing on gems. Please don't met your
NOTE: While it might seem unfair that
I dinged Bill for prattling on, but not Charlie, I do so with reason.
With Charlie, it's a deliberate technique – the shotgun approach to
comedy: say enough things, and something will hit somebody's target.
Bill, on the other hand, is a professional wordsmith, and should be
able to tighten up his writing without losing anything in the process.
I think he has the talent to do better in this area.
THE WHOLE BLOG: TECHNICAL MERIT & PERSONALITY
Technical things I look for:
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
GOOD POINTS: He was technically perfect last week, he's still technically perfect this week.
BAD POINTS: I'm going to ding him slightly on the personality issue. I
still don't understand his penchant for hiding his thoughts in an
extended entry. Your thoughts are the reason people come to your site.
I can see using extended entries to hide a joke's
punchline or to hide a picture as a courtesy to people on dial-up, but
"too many words" isn't a good reason to use it. If people read an entry
half way, they'll read to the bottom. Don't make them fumble for their
mouse for no reason. It's distracting and unnecessary.
GOOD POINTS: Technically excellent. I like that he prominently displays a fix for a known bug in the sidebar.
BAD POINTS: If Stephen's misuse of extended entries is a misdemeanor,
Bill's is a felony. Stop holding your words as political prisoners
behind the iron bars of the extended entry links. Other minor flaws
would be that the bug fix should be a little higher
so it can be seen without having to scroll down, and you might want to
place that contact e-mail address on the front page as well as in the
"about me" post.
WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
GOOD POINTS: Technically perfect, plus I really like the contrasting
color scheme between the sidebars and the middle column. I also like
the prominent featuring of the search feature in the header, which
space is usually eaten up by a banner on most blogs.
BAD POINTS: Gave KotB Judge Susie's ass
a firm, wet smooch with his finely-tailored blogrolling of her, and
completely ignored my hairy hinder. However, considering the
rosy-cheeked delight that is Susie's sittin' spot, I guess I can't
posted by Harvey at 9:06:56 PM permalink HOME
LOOKING FOR A GOOD LABEL
Reid of PhotoDude doesn't like partisan labels,
does not consider himself either Republican or Democrat, and gives a
short list of reasons why he considers himself a "fence-sitter":
On foreign policy I'm a
distinct hawk (and was long before 9/11), who supported regime change
in Iraq. I must be a Republican.
When it comes to social and
domestic policies, I'm pretty liberal, and do not believe we need to
amend the Constitution to define marriage. So I must be a Democrat.
I believe strongly in a balanced
budget, and fiscal responsibility. I must be a Republican ... no, I
can't even fake saying that with a straight face, given slashed taxes
coupled with a 20% increase in discretionary spending, and a half
trillion dollar deficit in the upcoming budget. But you know what I'm
trying to say.
I'm pro-choice. That makes me a Democrat, right?
Oddly, I agree with him on all 4 issues, but I never considered myself
"independent". From 1996 (I became politically aware rather late in
life) to 9/11, I was a staunch Libertarian, and I couldn't find single
thing in their official party platform that I disagreed with. Well, I
was a little unsure about their "bring all the troops home and don't
even twitch unless we're invaded" foreign policy, since I thought it
was probably a good idea to have troops in the area if anything heated
up, but I was willing to be flexible.
After 9/11, I did a lot of reading, and a lot of thinking, and I came
to the realization that having troops all over the world was vital to
intelligence gathering operations. If all the boys were at home, the
murdering thugs of the world could plot, plan, and execute unmolested,
and we really WOULD have to have the fight on our own borders. Bad
So I can't even consider myself a Libertarian anymore, since the
party's official line is dangerous, short-sighted, cowardly
appeasement. This year I'll have to hold my nose and vote for Bush.
Don't get me wrong - he's a hero in my eyes for his foreign policy
actions since 9/11 - but domestically, he's been tossing cash around
like the wobbliest of drunken sailors, and I hate him for that. But I
want to live long enough to hate another day, so I'll do what I can to
bring him back in November.
Meanwhile, I'll be eyeing that house in New Hampshire...
posted by Harvey at 8:51:33 PM permalink HOME
The party's still goin' on in the comments at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Free booze, loose women, and all the bar snacks you can wrestle away from Dana.
Hurry up & join the fun before the Bartender gets back & kicks everyone out.
Oh, and try not to step in any of the puddles on the floor of the Champagne Room...
posted by Harvey at 12:13:50 AM permalink HOME
Friday, February 13, 2004
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
(A FILTHY LIE)
I had just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging (or porn surfing,
depending on which room Beloved Wife was in), when the phone rang...
Evil Glenn: Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Harv: AAAHHHH! Telemarketer!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Relax, currency freak, I'm just messin' with ya. It's just me, Evil Glenn:
Harv: Oh. That's not NEARLY as horrifying. Whaddya want, Puppy Blender?
Evil Glenn: I just called to gloat. I see the Alliance still hasn't
succeeded in toppling me from my perch high in the unreachable
stratosphere of the Ecosystem. You're SO pathetic.
Harv: And I see that you've been bumped down to #3 by a couple of no-talent script-kiddie hacker-wanna-bes.
Evil Glenn: Yes, *ahem*, well, you see, it's all part of my latest plan to... I mean... uh... I'm going to... um... YOU SHUT UP!
Harv: Anyway, why are you interrupting my mastur... uh, masterful blogging session?
Evil Glenn: Since the Alliance is powerless to stop me, I wanted to rub your nose in the fact that I'll soon be filthy rich.
Harv: By what foul means this time?
Evil Glenn: My Cayman Islands-based money-laundering front company,
Evil Glenn Industries, recently purchased a Hollywood movie studio, as
well as the rights to some VERY big name movies. I'm going to crank out
some re-makes and before you know it, I'll be rolling around naked in
piles of hundred dollar bills with my triple-action inflatable love
doll, all greasy with Wesson oil, and...
Harv: EWWWW! Can we just get to the point before my connection to www.bigfirmroundasses.com times out?
Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. AHEM...Ever since Thomas Edison first invented the movie projector, people
have sought the soul-stirring entertainment that only movies can provide. The first movies, although silent, were...
Harv: GET TO THE BLOODY POINT!
Evil Glenn: Fine. The Wizard of Oz.
Harv: Oh no. Toto!
Evil Glenn: Electric blenders hadn't been invented yet, but they DID
have egg beaters back then. That little dog ain't gonna make it out of
the basket this time. Heh.
Harv: You have no shame.
Evil Glenn: And did you ever notice that the Scarecrow looks like a
hobo? I tell ya, the Tin Woodsman's ax is gonna get a pretty good
Harv: You probably don't even have the decency to leave the flying monkeys alone.
Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm leaving those in. They make your Fearless Leader Frank J. wet himself in terror. Heh. Indeed.
Harv: I'll have to warn him not to see that one. What else ya got?
Evil Glenn: The Godfather. Man, talk about an offer you can't refuse.
Harv: Yeah, I saw some publicity stills from that one. Mookie still cries herself to sleep at night.
Evil Glenn: Ah, the sweet suffering of innocent children. How like the
finest wine is its intoxication... Which is why when I remake 101
Dalmations, Cruella's coat-making scene...
Harv: Dear God!
Evil Glenn: Oh, I can hear them now, "Mommy! Mommy! Make the bad woman put down the skinning knife!" MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: Dude, you need help.
Evil Glenn: Help? Funny you should mention that. I'm re-doing that one, too. Except this time the Beatles will be playing selections from... Boxcar Willie's King of the Hoboes!
Evil Glenn: Hold on tight, the torture's just starting. I'm also doing Fellowship of the Ring.
Harv: No puppies in that one, how bad can it be?
Evil Glenn: With Jar-Jar Binks as Frodo? "Meesa no wansa carry da ring
mista Gandalf! Sauron big nasty bad! Make Jar-Jar shakin' wit' da
Harv: You monster!
Evil Glenn: You want monsters? How about Monsters, Inc.? Little Boo
gets blended to goo! Whirrrrrr! Chop! Chop! Chop! AIEEEEEE! Save me,
Harv: I can't take any more!
Evil Glenn: More? As in Michael Moore? Guess who plays the hard-lovin' hillbilly in the new Deliverance? "You shore gotta pretty mouf. I'm gonna make you squeal like a fictitious pig!"
Harv: You vile, despicable, inhuman beast!
Evil Glenn: Oh, that reminds me – Beauty and the Beast. Lumiere accidentally sets the place on fire, and everyone dies screaming in unimaginable agony. Except for Chip.
Harv: You're actually gonna let Chip live?
Evil Glenn: Sort of. In my version, the character's name is Shatter, if that tells you anything.
Harv: Geez, Glenn, have you no heart at all?
Evil Glenn: I do have a sensitive side, so I'm also doing Yentl
Harv: Barbara Streisand's anti-Semitic lesbian atrocity? Hey, maybe
you're not so bad after all. How ya gonna fix this one? Does she fall
overboard & get eaten by sharks?
Evil Glenn: Harvey, Harvey… You've forgotten… I'm EVIL! And to prove
it, I'm going to re-make Yentl… EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ORIGINAL
Harv: You're a bad, bad man, Glenn.
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Say, Harv…
Evil Glenn: Internet connection timed out yet?
Harv: What the? NOOOOOOO! My precious porn! You filthy, malevolent, subhuman bastard!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer [click]
Well, I hope you guys are happy. I got your stupid news on Glenn's
movie remakes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go re-connect &
try to find that site… let's see… Google… big... ass... firm… what
the?… Microsoft? Wal-Mart? GE?… DAMMIT! What was…
Hey! Are you still here? Cripes! Would you let a guy have his privacy? I mean…
Oh yeah… that.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, February 12, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
All the love that history knows,
Is said to be found in every rose.
Yet all the love that could be found in two,
Is less than what I feel for you.
[to which I added]
Happy 8 month anniversary :-)
[note: Yes, I still count the months, and yes, I still give her a single rose on every one. 58 and counting.]
posted by Harvey at 11:21:27 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Why do you suppose Young Master Fischer is looking for someone who
sucks click, and why is he bragging about being a fussy eater?
posted by Harvey at 11:14:17 PM permalink HOME
GET UP! GET UP! GET OUTTA HERE! GONE!
I'm sure you've seen the "Yeti hits the penguin with a baseball bat" flash game here and there. Lots of fun.
I just wanted to brag about some of my scores:
Shortest non-zero hit: 79.8
Shortest face-plant: 188.9
Longest face-plant: 207.6
Longest hit: 323.5
If you can beat any of those, I want to see pictures.
posted by Harvey at 10:23:11 PM permalink HOME
I SAY LET 'EM GET MARRIED
Larry the Liberal, guest-posting at Semi-Intelligent Thoughts, uses this story about tree marriage
Two trees "married" to appease rain god in Indian village
NEW DELHI (AFP) - Hundreds of
people have attended a wedding between two trees in hopes of pleasing
the god of rain, United News of India reported.
To the chanting of Hindu
hymns, a cleric tied a knot on a neem tree, which was the bride, to
solemnise its eternal union with a peepul tree, the news agency said.
to argue for the legalization of dendrophilic matrimony in America.
Frankly, I have to take Larry's side on this one. Unless we get these trees properly wed, we'll forever be faced with promiscuous lumber parading their immorality in ways that are not suitable to be seen from a place of business.
posted by Harvey at 10:12:31 PM permalink HOME
NOW THERE’S A TWIST
While Susie was busy carefully choosing tiny tidbits of truth to share, Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks was blithely cranking out lie after lie to deceive the masses for his “100 things” post. For example:
17) I was listed in our school yearbook as "Student most likely to completely fail at everything he tries to accomplish".
18) I usually only mostly fail.
Completely failing requires a dedication I lack. Once I hit about 75%
failure, I usually give up.
19) Right out of high school I got a job up north clubbing baby seals.
20) I got the job easily, because
all PGA tour certified drivers have to be tested on the skulls of baby
seals (it's in the 3879 page addedum to the rules of golf. Most people
don't know this).
21) I quit because I'd whiff and miss 3 out of 4 of the baby seals.
22) I'd usually shank the one I managed to hit to the right.
24) I really need to work on my golf swing.
If there’s anything I hate more than evil, deceiving, filthy liars,
it’s evil, deceiving, filthy liars who make me laugh coffee out my nose.
<shaking fist>Damn you, Graumagus!</shaking fist>
posted by Harvey at 8:15:14 PM permalink HOME
CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #73...
...is up at On The Third Hand.
I honestly didn't find a lot to shout about. I'm a little burned out on
Democratic Primary politics just now. But I did enjoy reading this piece by Forgotten Fronts.
Yes, it's on Demo-politics, but... well... it wasn't so much what the
point of the piece WAS, as it was the piece's elegant construction. It
read like Sorge wrote this on purpose instead of just letting a bunch
of crap tumble randomly out of his head.
There's a nice personal-touch anecdote to get you warmed up, a little
"where's he going with this?" hook early on, then he starts leading you
toward his point with some relevant examples, then he makes his point,
and then he stops writing.
Lord, what I wouldn't give to see this formula a little more often.
posted by Harvey at 8:06:23 PM permalink HOME
First day on my blogroll and Jim of Snooze Button Dreams has already inspired a post.
The meme of the month is blogging rules, and Jim, impressively, manages to carve the standard 10 down to 4. Although I think his version if fairly accurate, I do feel the need to try
to top him (it's a guy thing). Therefore, I offer the E=mc2 of
blogrules. The tiny equation that says it all:
I call it the Pretty F****** Obvious formula, Where:
P = popularity of your blog
F = how frequently you post
O = average degree of originality in your entries
Instapundit may post nothing but trite cliches and dead-horse-beaten
memes, but he Gigaposts every day - thus his Ecospheric dominance.
Bill Whittle has never actually posted an entry in our lifetimes, but if he did, it would
be so fantastically great and completely unlike every other post in the
universe that, if
he were to post before another half-life of carbon-14 ticks by, you
would be compelled by unseen and irresistable forces to go read it immediately. He only has 13 posts of note, but over 750,000 visits. Now THAT'S power.
My advice for popularity? Aim between the extremes. Try to put up at least 2 posts every day, and try to have at
least one of them be something you can't get anywhere else.
Make the other one a link to a Bad Money post.
You'll do fine.
posted by Harvey at 8:01:43 PM permalink HOME
SUSIE GIVES US A PEEK AT HER...
...Roman Numeral counting skills as she rattles off 25 more things about herself,
to accompany the 50 she gave us a few months back. Since they're all
actually about her this time, it's actually just as revealing as the
last list, which was half about the people she loves.
Good things to know if you're taking Susie out for Valentine's Day:
vi. My favorite white cheese is Muenster
vii. My favorite beer is Michelob Amber Bock
Things that frighten me:
xvii. I know all the words to "I'm just a little black rain cloud" from Winnie the Pooh
xviii. I sing it when I'm driving
And one thing that makes me shiver with delight:
xix. I love the Pre-Raphaelite painters
Susie neglected to give this link
in that last one. I'd like to brag that I already knew about this
crowd, but only because I Googled it a couple years back after hearing
about them in the only mystery novel I've ever enjoyed called "Spent Matches".
posted by Harvey at 7:41:53 AM permalink HOME
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TRY TO STEAL MY STUFF
Jed of Boots & Sabers quotes this story at length, but I'll just go directly to my favorite part:
A convicted burglar sentenced in Calhoun County to 20 years in
prison this week as a repeat offender had an unusual run-in with his
The victim, Richard Bussey, says he drove up to his father's rural
residence last summer and found a man loading furniture and other items
into a pickup truck.
Bussey held a gun on the would-be thief and ordered him to return
the furniture. Bussey didn't have a telephone, so he made 45-year-old
Roy Andrew Gendron mow the lawn with a push mower until he could think
of a plan to alert authorities.
I need this guy to stop by about twice a month during the summer. Pity he's in jail now. Mheh.
posted by Harvey at 7:14:31 AM permalink HOME
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown,
unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of
conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he
understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life.
posted by Harvey at 11:35:25 PM permalink HOME
Psychiatrists say that anagram games work the same way as Rorschach tests, revealing hidden truths about a person's character.
I looked at this and got "ADULT ITEM"
Don't look at me like that. It means nothing. NOTHING AT ALL!
posted by Harvey at 11:32:56 PM permalink HOME
While making my blogrounds at work today, I put all my witty commentary
into a Word document so that I could send it to my home e-mail, then
just do some copy & paste blogging tonight.
Guess which Word document I forgot to send to myself before I left work today?
posted by Harvey at 11:04:13 PM permalink HOME
The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon
got stupid, left to doors to his booze emporium unlocked, and didn't
leave anyone to watch the place. So as of right now, ALL DRINKS ARE ON
Come join the party in the comments to the Barkeep's last post. If you see any of the Corner of the Bar Gang or Corner of the Bar Babes, spread the word.
We'll teach him to turn his back on us... cripes, ya think he would've
learned his lesson after the last time we tore the place up.
posted by Harvey at 10:17:08 PM permalink HOME
LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD BLOGS...
...to participate in the King of the Blogs Tournament. I'm stealing the short description from the KotB site:
I would like to introduce everyone to the King of the Blogs
tournament, open to all blogs under size Large Mammals in the Truth
Laid Bear ecosystem.
This contest is a two round competition, with a bye-week after the
second round. In week one five blogs will enter to compete against the
reigning "King of the Blogs" for the crown. The first round judges a
submitted post, and a an answer to the Host's Challenge question. From
these six blogs three advance, where their entire blog is judged, and
once again the Judge's challenge question. There are six judges that
will be judging your blog, and they change from time to time. In the
end only one blog moves on, and the rest may comeback another day to
Currently we are starting a new competition to pick the entrants to
the tournament. This is the mini-challenge. Each bye week (the week
after round two where the king reigns a week unchallenged) a slate of
10 blogs compete to enter the tournament, and challenge the king. To
win, and thus compete in the next tournament, they must impress three
judges with an answer to a challenge question, which can be no longer
then 100 words long.
Interested? There's a sign up form here.
If you're looking for attention, I really recommend throwing your hat in the ring. I got my first big break in blogging through a blog contest, and had a lot of fun doing it.
posted by Harvey at 7:31:25 AM permalink HOME
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
I love her, that is all I can say. I cannot find the words to do justice to the rest of my feelings.
posted by Harvey at 10:01:34 PM permalink HOME
[The Juggalos will come for you! feminem fan.]
The Caucasian Rap, or "Crap", turf-wars heat up and threaten blood in the streets as Insane Clown Posse fans and Eminem fans
face off across America's currency. The general populace, however,
remains unaware of the threat, due to its sudden fascination with a LEFT breast that has started popping out on monitors all across the country.
[hat tip to ErosBlog for the boobie pointer]
posted by Harvey at 9:58:46 PM permalink HOME
SEARCH FORM HELP
Lately I've noticed that the search form in my sidebar doesn't include
the entered text when searching Google. I've noticed the problem with
both Mozilla and IE. It used to work fine.
Here's the code:
<form action="http://www.google.com/search" target="_blank">
<input name="as_q" type="text" />
<input class="go" type="submit" name="submit" value=" Search Bad Money " />
<input type="hidden" name="as_sitesearch" value="radio.weblogs.com" />
<input type="hidden" name="as_q" value="+0126975" />
Any ideas? Did Google change something recently?
posted by Harvey at 9:32:16 PM permalink HOME
HURRAY FOR LATVIA!
A few months back, I mentioned that I got picked up by a Latvian humor blog (that sentence STILL looks weird) and I puzzled over what was written there.
A couple weeks ago, AnetiX, who was one of the commenters, got in touch
with me and generously offered to translate the post and the comments
as best he could:
- Uzgâju vienu lapu (weblogu) kur viens dþekiòs aiz
Thank you AnetiX. You have made this humble blogger very happy. No need
to apologize for your English. It's MUCH better than my Latvian :-)
- naukodarît apzîmç naudu.
I find some page (blog), where some guy, when he has boring, he mark money.
- Tur 1 un 5 bankotas dolârus!
There is 1 and 5 dollar paper currency.
- Nez vai tas ir daudz, bet zçl ka Latvijâ nau tâda
- dzîve, ka varçtu naudu izmantot kâ zîmçðanas papîru!!
I don't know, it's much or not in there contry, but in Latvia
is not so good life, to money, can use to drawing paper.
- Ok, mees gaidiisim jauno paveersienu.
Ok, we will wait news (micro promise to make new PHP engine).
- AnetiX @ 20:29:55 25/9/2003
- We wish you a new style,
- We wish you a new style,
- We wish you a new style,
- And engins include.
This I think, not need translate. ;))
- :) Maz noveeleejums. ;) [RITMS: We wish you a merry
Little wish [RHYTHM: We wish you a Merry Christmas.]
- SpokS @ 21:35:36 25/9/2003
> man nez kapeec liekas ka "kopistiskajaa" blogaa buutu
> reaalaak spamot. Vairaak apmekleetaaju utt. Protams,
> katram gribaas lapaa buut adminam, bet nu.. Un ir veel
> 1 lieta. zinot no.lv kvalitaati, iespeejami arii db
> zudumi utt.
He speak about blogs and some servers. I'ts not about your page. ;)
- micro @ 23:33:22 25/9/2003
- Bûs vien jâpiekrît Spokam abos gadîjumos, ka
- megakrutâk ir rakstît kopçjâ blogâ un arî tas ka katrs
- vçlâs bût lapas admins! un arî to ka no.lv ir
- nestabilz! Mna tik radâs viena "pârkûlîga" ideja ::
- mosh vaºetu sarunâr ar Day.lv lai manu domainu
- pârmaina no micro.day.lv uz coders.day.lv !!! ko par
- to Jûs sakat?
There he say, about my new hosting. :)
- SpokS @ 23:58:46 25/9/2003
- a varbuut AnetiX pac var ar Zigmaaru sarunaat hostinga
- vietu ;)
Some idea for me. :)
- micro @ 00:10:30 26/9/2003
- es jau tikai izteicu savu domu. (nau jau jâbïauj)
Not for you blog...
- Little_Hacker @ 00:15:30 26/9/2003
- ideja nav slikta.. a mozh sametamies naudu, nopeerkam
- kasti, domainu iireejam netu ?? :D /me smejas
Some idea to me.
- Gints @ 16:19:51 26/9/2003
- Nu bet ja buus coders.day.lv kas tad te buus ??
Some idea for micro.
- micro @ 23:17:30 26/9/2003
- nu emm te paarcels anteixa coderu lapu!!!
Some idea to me.
There not nothing serious about your blog. All talk is about my
hosting, and some wish to micro blog. :) I hope, you help this text, to understand
what we say. :) I again apologize for my bad english knowledge. :(
Anyone else need some Latvian translated?
Oh, and THIS is universal.
Now that he's got permalinks, I think I'm blogrolling microDay Weblog. Not that I expect my Latvian to get any better, but I do find it fascinating to see how much I can make out in a language that doesn't have strong Greek or Latin roots.
And with pictures like this, who needs words, anyway? :-)
posted by Harvey at 8:53:10 PM permalink HOME
AL QAEDA RECRUITING
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Somewhere in the dusty, rock-strewn desert of Afghanistan, Ahmed sits in a ragged tent, processing new Al Qaeda recruits…
Mohammed: I am Mohammed.
Ahmed: Geez, ANOTHER one? This is a beautiful land full of a proud and
wise people. Why the HELL can't we name our children something besides
freakin' MOHAMMED? What's wrong with Frank or Matt or Josh? I swear by Allah that if I have to write "Mohammed" on one more form I'll shove a scimitar up my own ass just to end the pain!… But enough of my troubles. What brings you here, dear friend?
Mohammed: I saw your ad for new Al Qaeda recruits laying in the
camel-dung outside my hovel, and I am eager to lend my support for this
noble cause. Such stirring words you have written!: "Wanted: Brave and
intrepid soldiers to wage holy war on infidel American Satan-dogs. Help
drive this cursed blemish from our sacred lands. Rewards are great,
risks are small, and even if you die… Hey! 72 virgins! Let's hear a big
WHOO-HOO for Allah!"
Ahmed: Yes, well... you have to understand... that was written some time ago, and certain… circumstances… have changed.
Mohammed: You mean we are no longer battling the blight of the kufr oppressors?
Ahmed: Oh, no, we are still battling.
It's just that, well… ever since the victories… uh, TEMPORARY victories
of the Americans in Iraq, we've had to make certain… er… cutbacks.
Mohammed: Cutbacks? I don't understand.
Ahmed: Well, with Saddam out of the picture, we've lost a major source
of funding for training and equipment. Even the Saudi princes are
afraid to support us for fear of angering the fearsome cowboy
desecrators of all that is sacred.
Mohammed: Cowards! After we drive the Western Crusaders from our beloved sand, we shall slaughter the collaborators like pigs!
Ahmed: It is well to hear you speak so bravely! We are in need of such
fearless men as yourself. On this, your first day of training, we will
be teaching you how to fly a plane.
Mohammed: Yes! I will be proud to martyr myself by toppling another of
Satan's towers with one of their own airplanes! ULULULULULU!
Ahmed: That's the spirit. Now, we used
to have a 747 in Iraq to use for training. Sadly, it is now out of our
hands. Uh… TEMPORARILY! Meanwhile, you will be using, uh… alterative
training methods. Here… take this.
Mohammed: A piece of paper?
Ahmed: Yes. Now… fold it like this… and this… and back… and this part
goes over here… no, the other way… yes… and one more… THERE!
Mohammed: A paper airplane?
Ahmed: We like to refer to it as a "budget-friendly training device". Now… imagine that you're piloting this…
Mohammed: But I don't know how to fly a plane!
Ahmed: Later, shahid, after
we've untemporaried the 747… which will happen much sooner if you'll
just SHUT THE F*** UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD BEFORE I BITCH-SLAP YOU
WITH THIS KORAN!
Mohammed: A thousand pardons! I defer to the painful-looking leather-bound wisdom of Allah!
Ahmed: Better. Now... imagine that you're piloting this, and use it to destroy this scale model of the Empire Satan Building.
Mohammed: It's just a pyramid made out of empty plastic cups.
Ahmed: [bitch!][slap!] ARE YOU QUESTIONING ALLAH'S WILL?
Mohammed: OW! No, no! I will fly as Allah directs!
Ahmed: And make little airplane sounds while you do it… BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB!
Mohammed: Air…airplane sounds?
Ahmed: [raising the already spit- and blood-stained holy book] Koran 3:16 says MAKE THE DAMN SOUNDS!
Mohammed: Yes! Yes!… uh… bpppprpprrprpbbbp…
Ahmed: LOUDER! This is a 4 engine Boeing, not a damn Lawnboy! Put your lip into it, man!
Ahmed: Better, better… now, DESTROY THE SYMBOLIC PENIS OF SATAN!
Mohammed: BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB! […tap…][sound of empty plastic cups
hitting the desert sand]
Ahmed [raising Koran menacingly]: mmmm?
Mohammed: uh… CRASH! BOOM! AIEEEEE!
Ahmed: Excellent! Excellent! We'll make a martyr out of you yet.
Mohammed: Yes! I can almost feel the 72 virgins promised by Allah caressing my tiny withered loins already!
Ahmed: Uh… Mohammed…
Mohammed: Yes? ([fantasizing] mmmm… that's right my sweet nymphs… fondle my
mighty sewing needle… uh, SWORD!)
Ahmed: About those 72 virgins… it seems the Americans have been slaughtering us like dogs lately, and…
Mohammed [coming cloudily back to reality]: Hmmm… What?
Ahmed: Uh… I mean... many, MANY brave martyrs have earned their
promised reward in the last few months, and… well… we're a little short
on virgins right now…
Mohammed: I won't get 72?
Ahmed: No, no… it's not that. You'll still get 72, except they're not quite virgins…
Mohammed: Well, perhaps it IS better that they have a LITTLE experience in the ways of man-pleasure. 72 young, nubile…
Ahmed: Uh… neither, actually.
Mohammed: Slim? Flexible?
Ahmed: Not so much…
Mohammed: Just what will I be getting.
Ahmed: 72 French whores.
Mohammed: I've never been to France. What are the women like there?
Ahmed: Hairy, snaggle-toothed, and they smell like ass.
Mohammed: Ah! Then it will be just like making love with my sweet Fatima
Ahmed: Your wife?
Mohammed: My camel.
Ahmed: Ah, yes. Nothing beats "bumping the hump".
Mohammed: That's good enough for me. I'm in.
Ahmed: Praise Allah!… Ali! We have another recruit! Take Mohammed out back for small arms training.
Ali: Very good. [as they walk away] Now, take this stick, point it at that rock over there, and shout BANG!
Mohammed: I am Mohammed, and…
Ahmed: awwwww CRAP!...
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:05:03 PM permalink HOME
hM of homicidalManiak is almost out of the Air Force, and has posted a list of 20 things she learned. If you've ever served, I really recommend this post. You'll be nodding your head at such things as:
6. You never realize how much freedom you really do have until you actually have to get permission to use the bathroom.
7. It is entirely possible to be
nicknamed Mario (Andretti) when you are driving a bus that only does
60mph -- for other people, anyway -- on the autobahn.
8. If you are at work for more than 12 hours nobody really cares if you are being silly on the radio.
9. If you are doing school work at work, make sure your book is not laying on the button for speaking into the radio.
But the one that gave me the biggest smile was #17:
17. Whenever you watch a movie
involving the military in any capacity you will immediately notice all
the wrong things involving the uniform and customs and courtesies.
I'm especially bad about this one in one particular area. In the movie
Star Trek IV, Chekhov goes on board the aircraft carrier Enterprise to
collect some high energy photons from the reactor in the #4 Main
Machinery Room (MMR).
Two problems here. First, the Enterprise was deployed when they made
this movie, so they had to shoot it on board the USS Ranger (they
mention this in the credits). Second, I actually spent about 3 of my 4
years on the Enterprise assigned to the #4 MMR. The nits I could pick are endless, minute, and skull-crushingly dull.
So far, I've only tortured Beloved Wife with these. The rest of you may
offer up prayers of thanksgiving to whatever deity or deities you may
worship that I've spared you.
posted by Harvey at 6:34:27 PM permalink HOME
ON LINK EXCHANGES
Lynn over at Reflections in d minor brought it up, and there's some interesting discussion in the comments.
I've gotten a few e-mailed link requests recently. They were painfully
generic, and easily dismissed. Although I understand that some people
enjoy trading links (*cough* Kevin *cough*), and I'm very supportive of the "doesn't hurt to ask" theory (*cough* Marty *cough*), I don't bother with these sorts of impersonal requests.
My blogroll is my bookmarks list of daily reads. I keep it short enough
that I can make it through every day. If I have extra time, I check my
referrer logs. I click on any strange names I find, and if they keep
popping up, I keep going back. After a while, if I keep liking what I
see when I go there, they make the blogroll and I make time for them in
my daily routine. That's how Note-It Posts, homicidalManiak, The Cheese Stands Alone, Pepper of the Earth, and ErosBlog
got there. Admittedly it's going to get harder and harder to make it to
my sidebar as time goes by, because I only have so much free time. But
that's still your best shot at getting there.
Oh, and leaving comments helps put you on my radar screen, too.
Referrer logs might be hit & miss, but I read ALL my comments.
posted by Harvey at 6:20:22 PM permalink HOME
Unfortunately, her digital camera has beal, so pictures aren't posted yet.
However, the verbal's good enough for me, since I was bitten by a
radioactive Hustler magazine as a teenager, and I now possess
superhuman fantasizing abilties.
posted by Harvey at 6:09:31 PM permalink HOME
A REMINDER TO MY CUSTOMERS
If you're going to smoke cheap cigars in your car before coming into my
bank, please crack a window. Or bring me a bucket to puke in. Whichever.
Eh. I shouldn't complain. At least my customers aren't bringing me treasures like what Owen of Boots & Sabers discovered.
posted by Harvey at 6:05:47 PM permalink HOME
BLISTERS, BLACKENED SKIN, SEARING AGONY...
... and those are the good parts of this week's Bonfire of the Vanities experience over at d-42.
First, though, I have to apologize for violating a sacred trust.
Apparently I made the unforgivable mistake of submitting a post that
the host actually ENJOYED:
This entry is my favorite from the week's Bonfire. It's by Harvey of Bad Money,
and it's about how a study has shown that men can take more pain when
it's inflicted by women. I know the truth: we just don't want to appear
As punishment, not only will I link the worst joke ever to be put into pixels (with the possible exception of every single Kang A. Roo joke the Bartender ever posted), I will actually blogroll the poster - Jim of Snooze Button Dreams.
Actually, I've been considering doing that anyway - on and off - for
months, since every time someone says "Go see what Jim posted", it's
always worth the trip. That, and I'm on his Really Silly Shit list
(which is, as we all know, what RSS really stands for).
Ok, Jim, start entertaining me. I'll just be over here slamming tequila
shots, trying to get the taste of that Tom Jones joke out of my mouth.
posted by Harvey at 6:02:32 PM permalink HOME
Monday, February 09, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
A rich man may have many things, a poor man even less, but I have what no man has, and that is your love.
posted by Harvey at 11:25:25 PM permalink HOME
Designer Frank Bielec
turns this dull, drab 10-spot into festive parade of purple that you'll
almost hate to spend! Next, on TLC's "Trading Currency".
posted by Harvey at 11:23:23 PM permalink HOME
BLOGGING IN BLACK AND WHITE
It's sad watching the Dean campaign implode, mostly because I enjoyed
watching the funny monkey caper about. That, and the thrilling
challenge of trying to figure out the phonetic spelling of THE SCREAM.
Other than that, I don't pay much attention to him.
But Dave Winer (the same one, I believe, who I love/hate for creating
the Radio blogging software I use) has all kinds of brilliant,
insightful opinions on the Dean campaign train-wreck.
Reid of PhotoDude, however, in the process of making observations on those opinions, brought up a statistic that fascinated me:
A few small problems with that
"key point." 35-40% of Americans still do not have the easy access to
the Internet that those on Mount Olympus assume is as common as water
out of a tap. Of the 60-65% of American households who do have Internet
access, perhaps (if we're generous) 20% of them know what a weblog is,
or visit one on a regular basis. That works out to about 10% of the US
Entirely coincidentally, Dean has gotten about 10% of the vote nationwide in primaries so far. Go figure.
About a third of America is
Net-less, and about a tenth of this country is even partially clued in
to what a weblog is. Meanwhile, 98.2% of American households have a TV.
It's that simple.
In TV terms, we're in about 1955,
when 2/3 of American households had a TV. The 90% threshold wasn't
crossed until 1965. So I think it's safe to say it will be at least
another Presidential election, or maybe two, before Internet
penetration reaches the point where Dave's statement will be true. Then
we will have reached a point where any citizen has easy access to
alternate information on the Internet.
It's only 1955 in the digital age.
I look in worshipful awe at my cable modem, and my 1GHz processor and
my megapixel digital camera, and the rest of my instant-gratification
digital goodies - the toys that make like such fun - and I realize...
It's only 1955.
It's all just beginning.
What I have now is NOTHING compared to all the cool stuff coming down the pike.
And I shiver in joyous anticipation, because I can't WAIT for the future to get here.
It's. Gonna. Be. Fun.
I wonder what the internet equivalent of color TV will be?
posted by Harvey at 10:55:05 PM permalink HOME
OW! MY NOSE!
If you've ever had sinus-related misery, you NEED to check out Linus' description
over at Pepper of the Earth. It's too carefully crafted to pull an
excerpt that would do it justice, so I'll just say it's less than a
Drink Alert in effect.
posted by Harvey at 10:48:23 PM permalink HOME
I'm finally getting my $5 worth out of Jeffy BigStick's digital camera. In this first picture
he's posted from France, we see the gorgeous blue mountains of...
somewhere... in the distance. In the foreground, we see... well...
dirty buildings & narrow streets.
Fine, I'll just caption it:
In France, everyone stays inside, trembling & cowering, in observance of National Surrender Day.
posted by Harvey at 10:44:02 PM permalink HOME
HI! MY NAME IS...
Confessing to a geek deficiency
when it comes to playing music CD's on her CD-ROM drive, LeeAnn of The
Cheese Stands Alone also made another confession - she names her
computers. The last one was Fred. The current toy is Jean-Baptiste
How weird is that?
Around my house, not very. My computer has the disconcerting habit of
randomly giving no visual input to the monitor on start up. A flick (or
2 or 3) of the ol' on-off switch fixes it right up, but it's still
With that in mind, you'll understand when I tell you that I named mine Mr. Cranky, after the movie reviewer who hates everything. I even have the Mr. Cranky Gagging Ball logo as my desktop wallpaper (single image, centered).
He may be curmudgeonly & irritable, but that computer is the devil
I know, and I'm familiar with most of his quirks, so I put up with him.
Beloved Wife's computer,
on the other hand, was never named, but the word spoken most often in
its presence was DAMMIT!, so maybe I should get it a nametag that says
posted by Harvey at 10:38:24 PM permalink HOME
MEN IN SKIRTS
Pete, guest posting at Jen's History & Stuff, was appalled by the recent story of a protest that took place in New York featuring men who wanted to wear skirts in public. At the end of the rant, he asked:
Does anyone out there know of a man who wants to wear a skirt in public?
Yes, yes I do. When I was going to college in Madison, I delivered
pizza to pay the bills. One of my fellow delivery drivers was a very
friendly, very intelligent young college student who I got along with
very well, despite some of his crazier liberal political leanings. I
will forever owe him an unrepayable debt in that he introduced me to
Babylon 5, and even loaned me all 5 seasons of his bootlegged tapes to
get me hooked. Did the same for Farscape, too.
Great guy. Geeky in a Trek, Macintosh, and RPG kind of way, and loads
of fun to hang around with. His only real quirk was that he liked to
wear skirts. He wasn't gay, and it wasn't a "thrill". It was, as he put
it, "a comfort thing". He was so cool in every other way, that I just
kinda went *shrug* - whatever - on the skirt issue.
The thing is, he wasn't all crazy-militant about it like those freaks
in New York. He was very nonchalant, and if people stared, I don't
think he even noticed.
So, yeah. I say if you want to wear a skirt because it's comfortable,
go right ahead. Just remember that it's only an article of clothing,
not a political statement. Don't lose your perspective.
posted by Harvey at 10:29:53 PM permalink HOME
Dana of Note-It Posts was amused by my commentary on panty lines, and made me her "quote of the day".
Interestingly, in the comments, Tiffany of Blown Fuse had this to say:
Then I guess someone should spill the beans and say that sometimes us
girls stare hard to determine "boxer or briefs?"--it's a very exacting
science, although most men rarely have visible undie lines. Those who
do, well...you know who they are.
Well. I'll. Be. Damned.
Ok, this is news to me. I never suspected my scrawny little hinder ever got a second look, much less a stare. Actually, mine probably never did. So I want to hear from the rest of the ladies... who else has done this?
And just for the record... briefs. Adjust your gaze accordingly.
posted by Harvey at 10:11:04 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, February 08, 2004
hM of homicidalManiak has an intelligent post about the importance of not taking things out of context. She argues that, even though the left does it a lot, one should still strive, as a matter of fairness, to only address arguments as they were intended to be made, and to NOT let partisan biases interfere with your objectivity.
Ok, I'm lying. hM's post is actually about how she's REALLY hot for me
and it's undeniable proof that she wants me SO BAD. As evidence, I
offer these words, which were taken directly from her post:
you can...take...me...I'll do it for you...please...just do...that...thing.
I categorically deny that I took them out of context.
posted by Harvey at 11:56:24 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
All through the night I'll be standing over you.
All through the night I'll be watching over you.
And through bad dreams, I'll be right there.
Holding your hand, telling you everything is all right.
And when you cry I'll be right there telling you
You were never anything less than beautiful.
So don't you worry.
I'm your angel standing by...
posted by Harvey at 11:33:04 PM permalink HOME
As he boarded the plane for Honolulu, Peyton Manning patted his pockets
frantically for his lucky dollar, but soon remembered that he'd left it
on his kitchen table. "Oh well," he thought, "I'm sure I won't need it.
I've got a really good feeling about this game."
posted by Harvey at 11:27:11 PM permalink HOME
KING OF THE BLOGS BACK IN BUSINESS
After taking a little time off for some conceptual re-tooling, the King of the Blogs Tournament has returned and this time around it's pretty darn good. I'm a little sad that Marty from Vigilance Matters wasn't around to judge this week. He has some of the best reviews. That, and he appreciates goofy humor, which some of the stuffier judges don't.
Here are my takes on the contestants' entries. The other reviews are here.
GOOD POINTS: Loved the quote from the idiot liberal professor, as well
as this zinger: "Is this rise of conservative viewpoints among youth
caused by liberal mothers aborting their children?"
BAD POINTS: This post covers 2 topics: "idiot liberals on campus" and
"the decline of liberalism as a youth trend". Mixed together as they
were, the post seemed a little jumbled. Might've been better as 2
separate, more tightly focused posts.
GOOD POINTS: You are puny. Dan will crush you. Arnie rocks, and Dan's
in top form in this homage to one of my favorite silly violent action
BAD POINTS: None visible
GOOD POINTS: Female Groomsmen? Obviously a sign of the apocalypse!
However, it's still a well-constructed piece. Gives you just enough
background to understand the players and never prattles off onto an
irrelevant tangent - an easy thing to do when telling a wedding story.
BAD POINTS: My personal preference. More active verbs, fewer passive
ones. Forgo, when possible, the evil verb "be" and its dark minions.
They dull your writing.
GOOD POINTS: In her introductory musings, she lists several strong
female movie characters worthy of emulation. In her answer, she gives
us an honest glimpse of who she is by her selection.
BAD POINTS: I think Anastasia missed the point on this question
somewhat. You could have been ANYONE, but you played it safe by
sticking with a fairly earthbound character. Next time, dream big.
GOOD POINTS: Well-written, well-argued, informative. I had no idea that the border patrol had a catch & release program
BAD POINTS: Went off on a couple tangents toward the end. The point
about needing to spend more money on renting detention cells is well
taken. The side thoughts on jobs and terrorism were off-topic, and
didn't belong in this post.
GOOD POINTS: There can be only one, and Stephen makes a compelling
argument that being that immortal one would be fun, exciting, and
BAD POINTS: Has the audacity to disagree with Zefram Cochrane that
immortality consists largely of boredom. However, since Stephen
wouldn't be spending his life trapped on an isolated planet with a
gaseous girlfriend, I'll give him a pass.
WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
GOOD POINTS: Manages to blather on for 12 pages on the sorry premise of
being a stand-up comedian. I find myself not bored. Entertained, in
fact. Ok, amused. All right, all right, I confess. I laughed.
BAD POINTS: Yet another blogger that I'll never be funnier than. I hate these people.
GOOD POINTS: Talks about naked Heather Graham
BAD POINTS: Insane stream of consciousness humor, while generally a
good thing, doesn't work here. A question needed answering, and a more
focused format was in order.
GOOD POINTS: Makes a compelling argument that iTunes 99 cents per song
pricing model is flawed, and that older, less popular songs should be
BAD POINTS: Must've gotten paid by the word for this piece. Could've made the point more succinctly.
GOOD POINTS: Really got into the question and makes half a dozen cogent analyses of which character would be good to be.
BAD POINTS: Uh, you REALLY only needed to answer the question ONCE. I
know that sometimes you have to do some preliminary writing to get the
creative juices flowing, but once you have the gold, discard the silver
& bronze. Make the DELETE key your friend.
After everything was totaled, Where the Hell Was I?, Walloworld, and Christweb made it to the next round. Southern Musings and Pragmatic Conservatism get beaten with sticks, tossed in the dumpster, and left for dead.
We'll see how it goes next week. Should be interesting, since the top 3 scored within a 2 point range.
posted by Harvey at 11:00:06 PM permalink HOME
I've owned various & sundry computers over the last 10 years, and
I'm not a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination. Many's the
time I've stuck my hands deep into the guts of my computer to replace
this, that, or the other chunk of hardware, and it usually turned out
ok in the end.
Not this time.
Beloved Wife's computer started getting extra-unstable last month, and
finally quit working entirely around Christmas. After some poking &
prodding with much assistance from Blogless Brother Tom - who is
forever performing meatball surgery on his own silicon pets, and really
knows his way around "under the hood" - we determined that the
motherboard was fried.
No problem. Just order up a new one & slap it in.
Except the one we got was a useless piece of crap.
No problem. Just order up another one & send that one back.
Except that shortly afterwards, Beloved Wife's hard drive underwent a mechanical failure and became a paperweight.
No problem. Ok, not much of a
problem. At least the motherboard is good, and we can just slap a
different hard drive into it and get her a working system to start over
"Ah," said the computing gods, "a challenge"
Tom & I installed a hard drive that worked just fine in my own
computer, and was now laying around as a spare since I got a bigger
hard drive. It worked mostly fine & dandy until we tried installing
the driver for the video card, and the whole system got flaky.
Screw it. Re-format the hard drive, put on a clean copy of Win 98, and everything should be fine.
HA! Flake! Flake! Flake!
Re-format, re-install... F***!
After a total of 7 hours of this nonsense, we gave up in despair at the
insanity of it. New motherboard, new CD-ROM drive, new video card, and
no sane reason for this system to NOT purr like a kitten.
We're going to make a last ditch attempt to try a new 20G hard drive,
and after that, we're gonna take it out into a field somewhere and beat
it like the "Office Space" fax machine.
Meanwhile, I think it's time to just let Beloved Wife pick something nice off a shelf somewhere for Valentine's day.
posted by Harvey at 4:44:19 PM permalink HOME
Tiffany points to the story of a 40-year-old British woman whose chastity belt set off the alarm at airport security.
Since most normal people don't wear, and have probably never seen, a
chastity belt - and those nasty people at the news didn't give pictures
- you can check out this pic of an antique chastity belt over at ErosBlog.
Nasty teeth on that baby.
As always, use discretion when visting ErosBlog, as it tends to have, shall we say, exotic imagery in the sidebars.
posted by Harvey at 1:27:14 PM permalink HOME
Friday, February 06, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
If I had a flower for every time you made me smile, I'd be walking in an endless garden.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:18 PM permalink HOME
EVIL GLENN'S WEBSITES
(A FILTHY LIE)
I swear, Glenn Reynolds's computer has to be THE easiest hack in
cyberspace. It's like he's never even HEARD of firewalls! Then again,
he's more of a dork than a geek, so I guess I shouldn't expect much in
the way of techno-cunning.
Popping open his "favorites" folder, I found the following sites bookmarked:
I was repulsed, but somehow not surprised, at this list. However, I
soon discovered a link that indicated a depth of depravity that I had
not heretofore expected. I knew Glenn had some strange fetishes, but to
enjoy this sort of weird, sick, disgusting, depraved foulness?
I guess he's just trying to give Divine a run for his money in the "filthiest person alive" contest.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:43:12 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, February 05, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
If now were going to be the last moment of my life, the first thing I would want to do would be holding you in my arms, my love.
posted by Harvey at 10:58:29 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Presidential Fun Fact: The Whipple Administration is best remembered for its introduction of "squeezably soft" currency.
posted by Harvey at 10:48:39 PM permalink HOME
UP AT HQ
Matty O'Blackfive gives hot tips on getting maximum exposure for your blog.
Which sentence is NOT a euphemism for posting Janet Jackson boobie pictures.
posted by Harvey at 10:40:58 PM permalink HOME
At the suggestion of Beloved Wife - who complained that I only had one
teeny-weeny link to my front page, and that it was buried almost
unfindably in my sidebar - I've now added a Home link at the bottom
of each entry. Hope this helps.
Or should I call it "Main", instead, like all the cool MT bloggers?
posted by Harvey at 10:30:34 PM permalink HOME
For those wondering what former-comment-angel and current beautiful bloggerette Teresa of Technicalities actually looks like, she's posted a picture of herself in her "about me" post.
Either that or Agent Scully is investigating a mysterious extra-terrestrial-tire sighting.
posted by Harvey at 10:15:15 PM permalink HOME
Recently, while complaining about some idiot customers, Susie of Practical Penumbra had this to say:
Why do perfectly nice, normal people turn into idiots when they become customers?
at the schedule board hanging over my head in the ticket booth window):
"So the next two shows are Scary Movie 3 and The Missing? Is that all?"
Susie: "Well, we only have two theaters, so we can only show two movies
at one time." (thinking: muhahahah, except for the secret theater in
the secret basement where we show secret movies at secret showtimes...)
Which led me to wonder... What WOULD be showing in the secret theater?
I have a few guesses:
Some movies you've never heard of:
CGI Wars: Jar-Jar vs. Gollum
The Mediocre Hulk
Spiderman 2: Oops...Splat!
Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy vs. Bambi
Dr. Spamlove, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Love Unsolicited Commercial E-mail
South by Southeast
Peter Jackson Presents: Jim Henson's "The Hobbits Take Manhattan"
The Seventh Sense
Lawrence of Suburbia
Some movies you have heard of, but slightly different versions:
Batman Returns - this one featuring a cellophane catsuit
Titanic - the happy ending - where Rose is the one who drowns
Matrix 1, 2, and 3 - less talking, more fighting
Monty Python and the Holy Grail - as expected, the French surrender and hand over the Grail without a fight.
2001: A Space Odyssey - they actually take a few minutes to explain all that weird crap at the end.
Finding Nemo - well, whaddya know? Fish ARE food after all.
Casablanca - Rick pistol-whips Victor and gets on the plane with Ilsa. Louis surrenders to the bottle of Vichy water.
Silence of the Lambs - Clarice tries on the "woman suit", likes what she sees, and starts life anew as a size 14.
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - that "chase scene" lasts 90 minutes.
The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy decides that, while there really is "no
place like home", home sucked. She then accepts the position of Madam
at the Emerald City cat house.
Alien - Ripley gets eaten. Jonesy just laughs.
Toy Story - Woody & Buzz end up as the puppy's chew toys. Hilarity ensues.
Now, if only I can get Susie to tell me when the secret showtimes are...
posted by Harvey at 9:49:34 PM permalink HOME
LINE VS. NO LINE
While working at the bank today, I happened to accidentally look at the
butt of one of the shapely young college girls that was working there (don't look at me like that, I told you it was an accident), and I couldn't help noticing an absence of panty lines. I assumed that she was doing the whale tail thing
and wearing a thong. I understand thongs are popular amongst women for
that very reason - they eliminate those "horrible, horrible panty
Ladies, don't get me wrong. It's a free country, and however you choose
to wrap your goodies is fine by me (especially if I get to be the one
doing the unwrapping later). However, WHY would you want to eliminate
I like panty lines.
I think they're damn sexy. They're like little instruction sheets that say "put hands HERE". Very useful for scripting up flash fantasies and/or general lusting.
They are a GOOD thing, because they make a man (or, at least, this man) think about your panties, and the treasures contained therein.
Thongs may make for a great cut when you're wearing a bikini, but when
it comes to everyday undies, I say stick with the line-makers.
posted by Harvey at 8:04:42 PM permalink HOME
AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE
Lynn of Reflections in d minor points to Die Puny Humans who points to this piece from the BBC News site, which says, in pertinent part:
Pain from a woman will hurt less
Pain hurts less when it is inflicted by a woman, researchers have found.
Students were asked to put their fingers in a clamp which was tightened until the pain was unbearable.
Researchers from the University of Westminster found that people allowed women to turn the clamp much further than men.
I've spent my life studying this very topic, and I have to agree. Now
if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Beloved Wife to do some more
Hi Honey! I've been bad again!
mmmm... 3 on a 10 scale...
By the way, am I the only husband whose wife laughs like a lunatic whenever he gets hurt?
posted by Harvey at 7:46:42 PM permalink HOME
JOHN EDWARDS BECOMES PUNK, FEELS LUCKY
Look John, we're all sorry to hear that your campaign went down the toilet, but for God's sake, we beg of you:
RELEASE THE CHILDREN UNHARMED!
Where's Dirty Harry when you need him?
posted by Harvey at 7:38:02 PM permalink HOME
CUPCAKES? SURE! I'D LOVE SOME CUPCAKES! I... EWWWW!
Normally I'm all over any kind of sweet chocolaty dessert that you leave unguarded for more than 5 seconds, but when Trey pointed out these tasty morsels that were just laying around for the taking over on The Amatuer Gormet's kitchen counter, I have to admit I hesitated.
But in the end...
Lord... I am weak.
posted by Harvey at 7:30:00 PM permalink HOME
SOMETHING TO REMEMBER
It's pretty much a science fiction movie cliche that at some point, the
oh-so-advanced alien emissary will look down his nose (or lack thereof)
and make some snooty, almost Frenchly haughty remark about what a
primitive species we are because we "kill each other".
Via Carnival of the Vanities #72, I found the perfect response at Solomonia:
From the stars, we can look down
on the Earth, and imagine all the tiny people, and their petty wars,
and their petty conflicts, and wonder why all those souls, who appear
not even as ants to us floating up above, why they have to kill each
other, why they must cause so much pain to one another when they are
surrounded by so...much...beauty.
But then we remember...they kill each other, yes...but they...those tiny, tiny specks too minute for the eye to see...they save each other, too.
Take that, Chirac From Outer Space.
posted by Harvey at 7:20:45 PM permalink HOME
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE
I love Matty O'Blackfive like a brother, but he's just getting out of hand here. In this post, he refers to Teresa of Technicalities as the Honorary Mom of Blackfive (HMOB). I'm sure he means well, but let's do the math.
I have it on relatively good authority that Teresa is 29. That's "is"
in the Clintonian sense of the word, but still "is". As further
evidence, I offer the facts that she is both proud of her boobies (look
for the Bloggers With Boobies logo), AND a full-fledged Corner of the Bar Babe. Note that she's not a Corner of the Bar Mom.
Matty just had a birthday recently, and since he declined to state his
age, I am forced to assume it's something REALLY bad that he doesn't
want anyone to know about, like 50.
Now, if I were a devastatingly beautiful 29-year-old like Teresa and
some dirty old man called me his mother, I'd be steaming mad.
Maybe you should take it back while you can, Matty.
posted by Harvey at 7:42:31 AM permalink HOME
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I
felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love.
posted by Harvey at 11:13:16 PM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[no planes no gas no smoking 1-800-ORANGEL]
After the Green Party blew their entire campaign war chest on hammering
out the details of their 2004 party platform, they realized that they
couldn't afford the 1-800-GOGREEN toll-free phone number they wanted.
Embarrassed, but desperate, they settled for one of the few numbers
that hadn't been taken yet, later claiming in their literature that the
selection was deliberate because "making the right choice between
Democrat or Green is like making the right choice between devil OR
posted by Harvey at 11:11:21 PM permalink HOME
THE THIRD RAIL
Marty of Vigilance Matters
recently added an innovative feature to his blog. A column to the right
of the main text portion he's entitled "The Third Rail". It's a
collection of various & sundry well-written posts from hither and
yon on controversial topics. I kind of like the idea, although I'm not
quite man enough to try to prod one of those suckers into my template
myself (hmmm... maybe I should consult HammerHead Blog Designs...).
The other interesting thing he did was leave this message in my comments after putting one of my entries on the rail:
[pseudo trackback from the third rail]
Since my outgoing trackbacks still don't work (and never have) I'm
thinking maybe I should start leaving something like that in the
comments of posts I link to.
It's got possibilities.
posted by Harvey at 10:49:31 PM permalink HOME
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S JUST GIVING THIS STUFF AWAY
You know when you get on a roller coaster, and you go up that first
REALLY big hill? You can feel the jerks & tremors & the
clacking of the wheels on the track as you go insanely up and up. You
know that something is coming, but except for the ground falling away, it's just anticipation that's doing most of the work on your nerves.
Then you crest the hill.
And you plunge.
A while back, I mentioned that J. of Quibbles & Bits had a new story in progress.
is finished now. It's about a 10-15 minute read. Make sure you don't
get interrupted, because once you're into it, you won't want to come
out until it's over.
And even then...
posted by Harvey at 10:25:22 PM permalink HOME
MAYBE I SHOULD GET ONE OF THESE...
I LOVE eBay. It's like the Google of shopping. If you can imagine it,
you can find it for sale, and probably at a reasonable price.
The thing is, as American Digest points out, when you host several million auctions, the occasional... oddity... will creep in.
Things to note:
Number of bidders.
Auction end date.
posted by Harvey at 10:19:44 PM permalink HOME
THERE'S A WORD FOR IT
The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon has part 2 of the Lush Lexicon. Some of my favorites from this round include:
When a drunk inexplicably has sex with the person he swore he would never speak of or to again, never ever.
Drinking in stereo
Boozing with a drink in each hand.
The mysterious bus that whisks
away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their
beautiful cousins while you're in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.
The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have went home and passed out.
Jumping on the grenade
When two groups of the opposite
sex meet, one member "jumps on the grenade" by talking to (or possibly
sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to
ensure the success of the rest of the group.
I left some more over there.
Heh. Kamikaze eyes...
posted by Harvey at 10:10:41 PM permalink HOME
GETTING YOUR MISTRESS OF SADO-MASOCHISM
Regarding this post from Susie of Practical Penumbra:
Good points: Contains the line: "teenagers, as I know too well, are to drama as cows are to methane"
Bad points: Complains about a class where she gets to spend 75 percent of her time thinking about sex.
posted by Harvey at 10:06:59 PM permalink HOME
POKING THROUGH THE REFERRER LOGS
I discovered that Five Star Flags mentioned my graffiti-currency hobby/obsession/insanity, and I stand flattered.
In the same entry, I found a link to a post at Jenville that FINALLY finds a use for all those teeny-weeny 20's on the back of the new-new-style $20 bill. Can you say "connect the dots"?
posted by Harvey at 9:36:25 PM permalink HOME
ODE TO A TROLL
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
I see you jumping on the stage
To crap upon our clean web page
Bitter twit, you whine and snivel
Plaguing us with thoughtless drivel
Stupidly you spew and sputter
Vapidly you blurt and mutter
Garbage vomits from your keys
Annoying us like bites from fleas
Saying nothing good or true
Asshat lies and trash you spew
Grammar poor, ideas dull
Reflect your empty, worthless skull
"I'll hurt your feelings with my screed!"
"Fear my wrath! I'll make you bleed!
"I am kafka, hear me roar!"
Frankly dear, you're such a bore
Baboon flinging monkey poo
Here's what the Alliance'll do to you
Give you love, give you attention,
By mocking you, and did I mention
That you are just a joke to us
A moron who rides life's short bus
Leave us now, you mindless fool
You floating turd in our swimming pool
You warthog-faced retarded putz
You dripping sore upon our nuts
You feckless, brainless, drooling mass
You feeble, filthy, ignorant ass
Sic Semper Tyrannis, and fare thee well
Now f*** off, troll, and burn in hell.
posted by Harvey at 7:42:18 PM permalink HOME
TRUTH AND HUMOR
A long time ago, I said:
When you're trying to be funny, you need the right mix of truth and
exaggeration. If it's all exaggeration, it's just a lie. If it's all
truth, it's just a chemistry book.
Frank J. of IMAO is one of the best in the business when it comes to getting the mix juuuuuust right. However, when it comes to the Democratic Underground (may they all rot in hell forever), they are just so naturally over-the-top in their insanity, that it's almost impossible to exaggerate what they say enough for it to be truly funny.
However, Frank J. gives it his best shot with his Universal Democratic Underground Thread, and I think he manages to get a couple yuks out of the chemistry book:
4. Nothing we can do
This just make me feel so depressed. There is nothing Bush*
and the neo-cons won't do to keep power and wage war. Remember, these
are the same people who rigged an election, killed Carnahan and
Wellstone, and stole my bong. They're going to steal the election again
with the "liberal media" helping them all the way. Then they'll plunge
the world into death and chaos and I'll never be able to get another
5. This will sink Bush*
I disagree, halfempty, this is exactly what is going to
make people realize that Bush* really is like Hitler… and then everyone
will turn against him… and then true progressives will get in office…
and then peace will be had in the world… and then gumdrops will fall
from the sky… and then unicorns will roam the land once again.
Check out the rest of it and see what you think.
posted by Harvey at 6:31:24 PM permalink HOME
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes
- Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
posted by Harvey at 7:35:08 PM permalink HOME
[PRINCESS & BABY 4 EVA... BABY & PRINCESS 4 EVA]
My guess is that she's high maintenance, and he finds wearing adult diapers to be sexually stimulating.
posted by Harvey at 7:33:16 PM permalink HOME
Yet another excellent fisking by the Emperor. This one on the topic of African-American studies programs being biased. In it somebody mentioned that it was Black History Month, the original purpose of which was:
"an attempt to instill some pride
because there was a belief that American history in general and world
history did not appropriately recognize the contributions of blacks,"
said Niger Innis, national spokesman for the Congress of Racial
Equality, one of America's oldest civil rights groups.
I've heard that argument before, and I don't believe it. Outside of the
very few blacks whose accomplishments I've already heard of (George
Washington Carver springs to mind, but not really anyone else), I don't
think blacks really accomplished a whole lot of note.
It's not because they weren't capable or intelligent.
It's because THEY WERE OPPRESSED!
It's not like thousands of blacks did millions of great deeds and then
whitey hushed it all up. They weren't ALLOWED to attain greatness. They
were excluded from institutions of higher learning, and productive
business ventures, and professional sports and the military, and
elective government offices. In what field were they supposed to get anything accomplished? What little that was
accomplished was minor and not noteworthy. I wouldn't expect to find
those acts worthy of study any more than I would expect to find worth
in studying the minor, non-noteworthy accomplishments of the pale
And, quite frankly, out of respect for the value of my own time, I would prefer not to study anyone's minor accomplishments.
Better we should declare February "Successful American Month" and spend
our time looking up to the movers, shakers, heros, and doers that made
this country great, skin color be damned. And if you're black and it
bugs you that "too many" of the great Americans were white, then get
off your ass and be better than they were, instead of trying to water down the criteria for greatness.
posted by Harvey at 7:21:26 PM permalink HOME
BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES #31
is crackling merrily at Outside the Beltway.
While I was perusing the list of horrors, I re-read something I'd seen
at Susie's place before. As I read it, it occurred to me I should make
The "not short" "post" Susie was "working on" was not mine.
You heard the denial here first.
posted by Harvey at 7:04:59 PM permalink HOME
Even though I've only been to New Jersey once, I have to agree with Frank J. of IMAO:
So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey
quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is
no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.
posted by Harvey at 6:47:33 AM permalink HOME
TOLD YA HE WAS SMART
Steven of USS Clueless, in an atypically concise post, had perhaps THE best observation about this year's Superbowl:
The biggest story was the one we didn't read: "Terrorist attack causes
30,000 deaths". It is the deafening silence, the dog not barking in the
night. For the third straight year since 9/11, a crowd the size of a
small city concentrated itself in a stadium and sat for several hours
to watch the most heavily televised live event of the year. And then
that crowd dispersed and went home.
posted by Harvey at 6:41:14 AM permalink HOME
Monday, February 02, 2004
[Shave That Thing]
Although, generally speaking, Susie prefers her men to be on the high end of the George Clooney hairiness scale, there is, shall we say, a partial exception to the rule.
posted by Harvey at 11:31:38 PM permalink HOME
F'N MILWAUKEE JOURNAL-SENTINEL
I've always wondered how the hell the gun-grabber crowd can say their
bullshit with a straight face. Thanks to Owen of Boots & Sabers,
I... well, I STILL don't know how they can say it with a straight face,
but he's shown me some of the slickest packaging for sick, twisted lies
that I've ever seen, which was recently published in Wisconsin's paper
distortion record, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Fortunately, he's
also taken the time to thoroughly debunk their bullshit.
Q: Doesn't the bill have safeguards that would prevent its use to arm criminals?
A: The bill's safeguards would bar only the arming of convicted
felons. Criminals not yet caught could legally hide firearms on their
person. The Violence Policy Center, which backs gun controls, notes
that Texans holding concealed-handgun licenses have been arrested for
thousands of crimes since 1996, including murder.
The first error in their statement is to assume that criminals would
bother to get a concealed carry permit. They are criminals. Why would
they bother? Furthermore, unless you could argue that the criminal
would be less likely to commit their crime without concealed carry,
it's a moot point. The criminal is going to commit his or her crime
regardless of whether they are allowed to carry a weapon or not. The
laws only affect people who actually obey them.
The second error is about Texans with concealed carry committing
crime. The statement is factually accurate. Texans with and without
concealed carry commit hundreds of thousands of crimes. But - and it's
a big but - Texans with a concealed carry permit commit crimes at a
much lower rate than the rest of the population. Here are the stats as of 2000:
Texans who exercise their right to carry firearms are 5.7 times less likely to be arrested for a violent offense.
There's plenty more. It's one of the most beautiful exercises in logic
I've seen in a while. If you support concealed carry (whether you live
in Wisconsin or anywhere else), this is a must-read post. Lots of good
They are 14 times less likely to be arrested for a non-violent offense.
They are 1.4 times less likely to be arrested for murder.
If anything, the statistics prove that Texans with concealed carry
permits commit fewer crimes. Perhaps they should be mandated to get one.
No pun intended ;-).
posted by Harvey at 11:18:20 PM permalink HOME
I LOVE THIS BAR!
Who says getting drunk ain't educational? The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon is making us all smart by
stealing publishing the Lush's Lexicon, a glossary of boozing terminology that EVERY good drunk should learn. For example:
Plenty more where those came from.
- Beer bitch
- The person sitting closest to the cooler
or refrigerator at a party whose sole purpose in life is to grab
another beer when yours runs out.
- Beer blinders
perception when under the influence of alcohol. Often causes
unattractive people to look hot, long distances to look jumpable and
break dancing moves to look easy.
- Beer Pressure
- The tendency to drink what your friends drink.
- Beer queer
- A straight man who will pretend to be gay so as to solicit free drinks from an unsuspecting homosexual.
- Blackout Brigade
- A group of heavy drinkers.
posted by Harvey at 11:07:06 PM permalink HOME
THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT
"Thank you for giving me the
opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When
Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last
year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with
foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad
You've read this letter a million times from every whiny liberal that
ever boo-hooed into a "letters to the editor" column in the local
fish-wrapper. So why am I bothering to point it out? Does Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks give it the full-throttle fisking it so richly deserves?
But that's ok. Go and see why. It's maybe 2 minutes.
posted by Harvey at 11:02:09 PM permalink HOME
BIG STICK LIVES
Jeff of BigStick.US has FINALLY peeled his ass off whatever damp al
fresco cafe stool he's been sitting on for the last 2 weeks, and graced
us with his cranky-Yankee perspective on the Land That Courtesy Forgot. Highlights include, but are not limited to:
You know, France is a country with
a nearly 10% unemployment? They have their own suicide bombers,
anti-semites, gang warfare, half the housing in this country is
substandard, murderers and criminals go free every day, May 1st
BULGARIA is going to have the Euro, French names are on a list of
Saddam's beneficiaries, people kill each other because of their damn
ZIP CODE. It sounds to me like France should 'Shut The [F***] Up' about
America until it can fix all of the shit going on in it's own damn
I can't sit down in a god damn
cafe without someone hearing me speaking english to my friends, asking
me if I'm an American, and then proceeding to tell me how much Bush
sucks. Seriously, assholes, get a life!
This country physically is just
one [f*****] up place. I love the old world style and everything, but
why do all the streets have to smell like garbage? Why is the paint
peeling of the walls in all of my classrooms? Why are there homeless
people under every bridge, around every corner, and in every doorway?
Plus, there's dog shit everywhere!!! Ever heard of the pooper scooper?
Don't miss the part about the Arab barber.
posted by Harvey at 11:00:37 PM permalink HOME
LIKE FORGETTING TO BUY YOUR LOTTERY TICKET THE DAY YOUR NUMBERS GET PICKED
I was poking through edition #9 of the Best of Me Symphony at Unbillable Hours, and got to LeeAnn's contribution
about her encounter with an annoying (is there any other kind?)
homeless person. Somewhere in the story is the following sentence
describing the homeless broad's voice:
It was like someone had put a helium tank up Fran Drescher's butt and beat her with a scalded cat.
Ya know, it just kills me to
think that LeeAnn's been saying stuff like this for months, and I've
been ignoring it until I finally blogrolled her last month. I deserve such a beating for that.
And not the fun kind.
posted by Harvey at 10:57:17 PM permalink HOME
NOW THAT'S A GAME!
Mike the Marine gives a yawn to the Super Bowl, and some well-deserved
kudos to a few of those commercials (did anyone else think the
commercials actually offered LESS entertainment than the game for a
But my favorite part was his musing on a Cubs BoSox series:
can you even imagine the hysteria
surrounding a Cubs-Red Sox Series? You couldn't have pried guys away
from their TVs with horses... tanks... rocket motors... sex.
"Honey - come upstairs... I've got the KY and the rubber sheets ready..."
"Yeah in a minute babe it's the
top of the eighth and the Cubs are up by one might be extra innings ya
never know I'll be along hey can you get me another brew before you go
to bed thanks."
Me, I'd just lay the rubber sheets on the floor in front of the TV.
There are plenty of positions that allow killing two birds with one
posted by Harvey at 10:41:45 PM permalink HOME
DANA'S SECRET IDENTITY REVEALED
She's the Queen of Spades:
Day into night she's with me
How sweet is her warm embrace
Safe in the scent of jasmine
So safe in her gold and lace
Mornings I find, she's left me
So cold so alone, but aware
I try to escape, she finds me
Oh run though I may, she's there, there, there, there, there...
Luck is a lady whose smile is as cold as a stone
She'll bring you things, many things you might never have known
But when your die is cast she'll have the final laugh at you
She'll lock you in a duel, where you come out the fool
Beware of the Queen of Spades
Her black widow's curse might find you yet
Beware of a love that you will regret
Her love means only your death
Day into night she's with me
Turn of a card, she's there
The first time is free, you know
But from now on, pay me, me, me, me, me...
(James Young/Dennis DeYoung)
posted by Harvey at 10:39:45 PM permalink HOME
(A FILTHY LIE)
I don't have any children, yet it was for the future of children everywhere that I joined
the Alliance. I just couldn't stand the thought of a world where the
blogging despot, Glenn Reynolds ruled over everything.
Do you think I'm some sort of tinfoil-hat-wearing crackpot? Are you saying to yourself, "he's only one man. Sure, he's got a popular blog, but does that necessarily make him evil?" Then I ask you: Do you not understand the nature of power to create the insatiable craving for more control? Today Glenn might be only sitting atop the Ecosystem like Sauron's eye above the dark tower of Mordor, but realize, please, that this is not
his final plan. He seeks power beyond cyberspace. His urge to conquest
will not be sated until America herself is a bleak and desolate
wasteland, where hobo bodies litter the streets like old newspapers,
puppies tip at the brink of extinction from overblending, the Robot is
the only dance allowed to be publicly performed, and the maddening
strains of Copacabana fill the air from loudspeakers under every street
lamp. This future I will not countenance. And so, I fight.
Having failed in my every attempt to stop Evil Glenn's mad quest for
power in this when, I decided that the only reasonable course of action
would be to travel to the past to stop Evil Glenn while he was but a
lad, and his crimes against humanity still lay, preventably, in his
But where to obtain a time machine?
I asked the smartest man in the blogosphere, Stephen Den Beste of USS Clueless.
Unfortunately, his fingers had become wedged in his keyboard during a
tragic blogging accident, and he was physically unable to help me with
the construction of the device.
Next I sought the help of Lynn of Reflections in d minor, the smartest woman in the blogosphere.
No joy was to be found there, since she was still in the hospital
recovering from a brutal attack by Pecks, the world's angriest bluebird.
Saddened, but not yet without hope, I appeared at the doorstep of
Alliance member Physics Geek, reasoning that anyone who could brew the
world's tastiest beer must surely have the wisdom to construct a time
Geek: Come on in, Harv. What can I do for you?
Harv: Well, I have an insane-sounding project I need your help with,
and since you're the smartest non-physically-incapacitated person I
know, I was hoping you could help me.
Geek: No problem. Insanity is my specialty. Whaddya need? Perpetual
motion machine? Faster-than-light spaceship? A viable democratic
Harv: Time machine, actually.
Geek: Good. I was hoping you wouldn't ask for that last one. I was only
kidding about it being possible. Come on down to the basement, I've got
Harv: You have a working time machine?
Geek: Are you serious? Of COURSE I have one. I built it right after
that time Mrs. Geek walked in on my while I was surfing for porn. Saved
me a week of sleeping on the couch, it did. So, what do you need it for?
Harv [following Geek into the basement]: I'm going to go back in time and stop Glenn Reynolds from turning evil.
Geek: Oh... Maybe we should work on that viable democratic presidential candidate instead...
Harv: Don't worry, I have a plan. I just need you to get me to the right year.
Geek: Ok. But be careful. Messing around with events in the past can cause... unintended consequences.
Harv: Yeah, yeah. Butterfly effect, blah, blah, blah. Just get me where... er, when I need to go.
Geek: Ok. Here's the auto-return remote control device. Now, just step into the travel chamber...
There was a blinding flash of light, and a second later I found myself
standing on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead, where a young,
and at this point merely naughty, Glenn frolicked on the grass with his
Naughty Glenn: All right Hobo, now go fetch the stick!... Good boy!...
Hey! Stop licking me! Stop it! How'd you like it if I started licking
you? [lick, lick]...Hmmm... That was tasty! And I feel somewhat
energized... I wonder what would happen if I consumed the whole animal?
He's too big to eat... Maybe if I stuffed him into mommy's blender I
could drink him! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed.
Harv: NOOOOOO! Stop, young Glenn! You mustn't do that!
Naughty Glenn: Huh? Hey! Aren't you Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties?
Harv: What? No! I'm... uh, I mean yes, yes I am. And as a beloved and
influential father-figure, I command you NOT to blend that puppy.
Naughty Glenn: Well, ok. I'll just play with him in a naively charming and child-like way instead. Thanks for the advice.
Harv: Yeah… uh... no problem… Well, that was easy.
I pressed the button and found myself back in Physics Geek's basement…
Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I
should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is
really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.
Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?
Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.?
Look… It says right here on my driver's license… Frank H. Olson, and…
HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?
Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an
initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be
praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be
named as such.
Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.
Frank G.: Sure. Over here.
Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It
had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled
"IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to
disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read
the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:
"I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked.
Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm.
"I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
"At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you,
my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a
puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I
mean Frank G…. you've got to send me back in time again! I made a
terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the
way they were!
Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.
Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…
Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?
Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!
Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?
Frank H.: WHAT?
Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.
Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!
Frank G.: What's the magic word?
Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.
Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a
happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little
Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon
Voyage, Frank H.!
Another blinding flash of light found me back on the front lawn of the
Reynolds homestead just a few short minutes after I'd left the last
time. Naughty (now actually NICE) Glenn was playing with his puppy,
Hobo, in a naively charming and child-like way.
Nice Glenn: Gee, Hobo, you're the bestest puppy ever! I'm sorry I
thought about blending you. From now on, I'm going to be the nicest boy
in the world, and I promise never to mistreat you, or any other helpless
animal ever again! I sure am grateful to Michael Gross for showing me
the error of my ways, and… Hey! Look! There's Michael Gross again! Hi
Mr. Gross! Wow! I sure want to thank you for…URK!
Harv [Grabbing both Glenn and Hobo by the throat and proceeding to the
kitchen without missing a step]: Come with me since I want to live.
Cringing inwardly at what I had to do, hating myself for doing it, yet
knowing it had to be done, I stuffed Hobo into Mrs. Reynolds's Model 690
Oster Blend-o-Matic Deluxe, and pressed "liquefy".
Traumatized Glenn: HOBO! NOOOOOOO! Please don't do this Mr. Gross!
Harv: I lied. I'm NOT Michael Gross. Now shut up, kid, I'm saving the world.
The foul deed completed, I grabbed the bloody pitcher of puppy goo,
stomped on Glenn's left foot, and when he opened his mouth to holler
in pain, I poured the sticky mess down his surprised gullet.
Confused Glenn: Ack! Argh! Oogaoogaooga! Wha… What's happening to me? I
feel… energized. I feel… strong… and… and… HUNGRY FOR
POWER! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed…
Harv: Better test this... Hey Glenn…
Evil Glenn: That's EVIL Glenn to you, peon.
Harv: What's your favorite drink?
Evil Glenn: Blended puppy
Harv: Who's your favorite world leader?
Evil Glenn: Mao
Harv: Who's your deity of choice?
Evil Glenn: Satan
Harv: Favorite dance?
Evil Glenn: Robot
Harv: How do you feel about penguins?
Evil Glenn: Horny
Harv: And if you could punch anybody in the world right now, who would you punch?
Evil Glenn: Why… nobody. I'd just like to hug a fuzzy bunny right now.
Harv: Oh? Then hug THIS!
And I punched him in the face as hard as I could.
Evil Glenn: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you
back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?
Harv: I'm Frank J. – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Leaving the bleeding, sniveling, puppy-gut-splattered, and now
completely evil Glenn Reynolds to return to the life destiny intended
for him, I pressed the button on the auto-return…
Geek: Gee, Harv, that didn't take long. You just left a couple minutes ago, and…
Harv [grabbing Geek by the shoulders and shaking him]: Quick! Who's the world's funniest blogger?
Geek: Why… YOU are, Harv.
Harv: DAMMIT! This is no time for ass-kissing! Just answer the question!
Geek [looking at the floor and shuffling his feet]: Frank J.
Harv: Good! Let me borrow your computer.
Geek: Sure. Over here.
Harv: www.imao.us… Ah! Here we are… "as funny as drowning puppies
(actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle
Geek: Harv. Dude. Relax. He's just kidding. See? Look up here… there's
a new In My World, it's coffee-out-the-nose funny, and he even
mentioned your name at the top of part 2.
Harv: Oh, ok. PHEW! For a minute there, I thought I was stuck in some
hideous alternate reality that resulted from my meddling with the
temporal currents and… what's this? "I think I'm done antagonizing
Glenn Reynolds. I've exposed his terrible secret about his drinking
habits to the world, and now it's time to bury the hatchet." NOOOOOOO!
What has my meddling with forces beyond my understanding done? I've
weakened the resolve of our fearless leader! I am a cursed man! My life
is meaningless. All that I've fought for… in ruins… [breaking into sobs
Geek: Relax, Harv. Here, have a beer.
Harv: *sniff * Beer? Beer exists?
Geek [eyeing me warily and taking a cautious step backwards] Yyyeessss.
Here. I just finished brewing this today. I call it God's Nectar Red
Harv: [sip] Hmmm… ya know, I think things are gonna be juuuuust fine.
Geek: So, how'd the Evil Glenn thing go? Did you stop him?
Harv: Well, Geekster, it's like this…
I told him the whole story, although I'm not sure how much he believed.
The important thing is that he gave me a six-pack to take home with me.
I've learned the hard way that it is not mortal man's place to tamper
with the greater forces of the universe. And that, while the world may
not be the way we wish it were, it could always be a LOT worse. In an
effort to take a short cut to defeating Evil Glenn, I wound up creating
a universe where Frank J.'s resolve to do what's right is no longer the
strong and eternal rock upon
which the Alliance was founded. But I am not afraid. Our cause is just. No matter what happens, the Alliance WILL prevail!
Besides, Geek still has that time machine. And I have an idea. Mheh.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Friday, May 9th , 2003:
Frank J.: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not
rest until I pay you back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?
Harv: I'm Glenn Reynolds – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 9:34:17 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, February 01, 2004
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Thank you for yesterday, today and always...
For bringing me happiness right from the start
and offering me both your love and your heart,
for being so thoughtful in all that you do,
overlooking my faults, and understanding me too.
posted by Harvey at 10:42:56 PM permalink HOME
The most shameful part of failing this simple geography quiz was that it was "open-book".
posted by Harvey at 10:40:00 PM permalink HOME
So here's your 100th link, hM. (see these stats for an explanation, dated 2-01-04)
Even though you persist in that goofy notion of yours that health care is not a right. I don't know how you can say that with a straight face. I mean, where's your compassion, missy?
posted by Harvey at 1:45:44 PM permalink HOME
TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
Thank you for teaching my heart to dance among the stars.
posted by Harvey at 12:23:22 AM permalink HOME
TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Ya wanna know the REAL reason I'll never vote for Al Sharpton? It's
that I never, EVER want to take the chance of peeking into my wallet
and seeing this.
posted by Harvey at 12:21:57 AM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:11:54 PM.