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Bad Money
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If I know what love is, it is because of you.
posted by Harvey at 10:08:41 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[ABORTION: THE ULTIMATE CHILD ABUSE]
Possibly, but I think this would have to at least run a close second.
[safe for work]
posted by Harvey at 10:06:23 PM permalink HOME
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A GOOD THING GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG
Which is why I almost laughed myself into a seizure following Goldie of Drama Queen's link to "The Big Book of Sign Language":
For decades,
mankind has longed to be deaf. Jet engines,
auto horns, the dullification of modern popular
music - any one of these things alone might be
worth the price of admission to a wholly silent
world. So how does one sign up? Reproduced for the
first time since its initial printing in 1972,
we are proud to present its revised, expanded,
fully up-to-date illustrated manual of
contemporary American sign language, sometimes
referred to as "finger spelling".
If you don't laugh at the illustrations & captions, then there's something wrong with you.
Like maybe you're a decent, sensitive, caring, upstanding member of your community.
In which case, what the hell are you doing here anyway? GOD how I hate you normal people...
posted by Harvey at 9:56:03 PM permalink HOME
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GEEZ, DON'T I EVER SHUT UP?
Post #2000, right here.
I don't have a blogging addiction problem. I can quit anytime I want. Watch...
...
[sweating, shaking]
I... I just don't want to right now, that's all.
posted by Harvey at 9:19:22 PM permalink HOME
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FLAMING CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST
... as the Bonfire of the Vanities
returns to Wizbang in a move which is the blogspheric equivalent of
grabbing the flag before it hits the ground, i.e. Kevin subbing for the
technologically wounded scheduled host.
Really crappy this week, although I did learn one thing from Sean of The American Mind: Buddists have people lining up to kick them in the crotch.
Huh. And to think that all this time, I've been paying for it.
posted by Harvey at 9:06:51 PM permalink HOME
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I DON'T KNOW. YOU?
hM of homicidal Maniak is trying to find out the name of a movie, and she describes it as follows:
It is [an animated] sci-fi movie
that has something to do with the human race being enslaved and forced
to work in mines. One of the slaves somehow escapes, ends up with a
sword, there's a big fight with the head honcho of the enslaving race
near a river of lava (maybe even on an island surrounded by lava), and
the guy, of course, gets the girl. I'm thinking it was made in the 80s
by an American company, though I could be wrong.
I was too busy getting drunk or being in the Navy (or both) during the
80's to recognize this movie. But if you have an idea, leave a comment
either here or there.
posted by Harvey at 9:03:53 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Had I no eyes but ears, my ears would love
That inward beauty and invisible;
Or were I deaf, thy outward parts would move
Each part in me that were but sensible:
Though neither eyes nor ears, to hear nor see,
And nothing but the very smell were left me,
Yet should I be in love by touching thee.
Say, that the sense of feeling were bereft me,
And that I could not see, nor hear, nor touch,
Yet would my love to thee be still as much;
posted by Harvey at 7:25:16 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[12/18/00 Wisconsin Shawna [heart] Jason 4 eva yo]
The best part about living in Wisconsin is that marriage licenses are easy to fill out and incredibly cheap.
posted by Harvey at 7:16:31 PM permalink HOME
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BENEFITS OF APPEASEMENT
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
When I first heard that our former allies, the Spanish, had chosen to
bend over and take the Vaseline-free loving of Muslim terrorists, I was
very surprised. But after thinking it over, I decided that there might
be some benefits for us if we followed them down Appeasement Street. If
we give up, roll over and pretend it's September 10th again, then...
Women will no longer have to worry whether their outfits clash with the
terror threat level color code of the day, since everything goes with
red.
Environmentalists will be happier, since we'll no longer be bombing precious endangered species of sand.
Employees at Jiffy Lube will no longer have to waste time asking you whether you want 10W-30 or blood for oil.
Since filthy hippies won't have to spend their days at protest marches,
normal Americans will once again be free to go outside without nose
plugs.
I'll finally be able to get my nail clippers through airport security.
And I won't have to take off my pretty pink high-heeled shoes.
What?
The millions of innocent Muslims currently being tortured in Bushiter's concentration camps will finally be freed.
Gucci will be able to make a fortune selling designer bomb belts.
John Kerry can stop worrying about terrorism and focus on winning the war in Vietnam.
Our troops will be safe from attacks, as long as they don't become civilians and get jobs in tall office buildings.
Dan Rather will get more of the attention he craves since he'll no
longer have to share the media spotlight with nattering warbloggers.
Once the kooks have been properly appeased they may, as Frank J muses, start using less explosive techniques on us. Like shaving naughty words on the backs of our heads.
We can be friends with the French again. At least for the five seconds
it will take them to find another reason to hate us, like the fact that
we don't speak their stupid, gibbery, monkey-language.
Friends with the French?... On second thought, let's just kill the terrorists and be done with it..
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:10:29 PM permalink HOME
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BUT... WHY?
Tiffany of Blown Fuse has a post on the evils of panty hose.
Maybe it's the testosterone, but I just can't figure out the purpose
of panty hose. 95% of the time, I can't even tell you're wearing it
anyway, and the other 5% it makes your legs look shiny, which, in my
mind, is a weird thing to shoot for.
Or is this just another silly fashion hand-me-down from the dark ages like the necktie?
Oh, and I have never once in my life noticed a run in a stocking that wasn't first pointed out to me.
posted by Harvey at 6:17:57 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our
human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making
to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily
the person one desires to be.
posted by Harvey at 12:15:54 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[MEXICAN MAFIA]
una oferta que él no podría rechazar
posted by Harvey at 12:11:47 AM permalink HOME
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Monday, March 29, 2004
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVE
Dave of Dave's Not Here recently accomplished the following:
Came back from his job in Iraq as a civilian contractor.
Had his 33rd birthday. Hey, 4 more months & he'll be an LP.
Took a picture of a building
that probably makes Ralph Nader hiss like a vampire seeing a cross,
since it's huge, visually striking, architecturally impressive, and
stunningly corporate-looking.
posted by Harvey at 11:07:15 PM permalink HOME
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I KNOW "TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY" ISN'T UNTIL SEPTEMBER, BUT...
So I was poking around at Straight White Guy's place, and in the comments to this post was
something about what "jolly rogering" meant. Unfortunately, the actual
definition wasn't given, so I tried Googling.
I didn't find what I was looking for, but I DID find some pirate pick-up lines, instead, so until Eric explains, I'll have to be content with this:
- "I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."
- "You're just the tasty wench I've been keeping me eye out for!"
- "Hey, sexy -- how about a Jolly Rogering?"
- "Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."
- "See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."
- "WOW! I bet we could fit SIXteen men on that chest!"
- "Me skull and crossbones arn't the only thing I plan on raisin' tonight."
- "Do ya mind if the parrot watches?"
- "Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"
- "Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."
- "So you're the new cabin boy, eh?"
- "Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation?" (software pirates only)
- "Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?"
- "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you free on Saturday?"
and the Number 1 Pirate Pick-Up Line...
- "Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!"
Most of which make me think of Susie, for some reason. Except for #4, which has Blogless Brother Tom written all over it.
posted by Harvey at 9:31:37 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
...is up at Rocket Jones. Nothing fancy, just quality intros, but that's good enough.
My favorite would be Bunsen's post on idiots who open attachments from people they don't know. The best part of which is the list of spam titles that made me snicker, including (but not limited to):
Paris Hilton Gets You College Degrees Cheap!
You can get 5% more chlamydia in just one month xhsdfhdg**
Metamucil #$%g Crackerjacks &&^$##) Pampers $!@$
Spycams catch sweaty fat jailbait with Montezuma's revenge!
Man, that last one just makes me flinch.
posted by Harvey at 9:15:22 PM permalink HOME
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YES I DO
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has another installment of "I feel lucky", where he plugs semi-random words into Google to see what floats to the top.
This week's selections are:
Gypsum Vine Smelly
Granite Dust Mite Tangy
Argon Locust Shredded
Which returned results on the order of:
Ok, I can see that.
WTF?
hmmm... that might be useful
respectively
posted by Harvey at 9:02:51 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS FINAL RESULTS
...have been posted at the KotB page:
WalloWorld 37.25
Irritable Blog Syndrome 32.1
Blog Supplement 27.975
Good King Bill appears to turning into "Undethronable Despot Bill".
Someone really needs to step up & take the long wind out of this
tyrant's sails.
Be sure to read the reviews and witness such shocking things as:
Susie using the word "suck".
Ian using stuffy words like "erudite"
Pietro confessing his undying lust for Sigourney Weaver.
Trey Givens trying his best to throw a monkey wrench in the whole works. Silly Objectivist, tricks are for kids.
posted by Harvey at 8:37:28 PM permalink HOME
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"STUDYING FOR FINALS"... OR SOME OTHER EUPHEMISM
Jeff of BigStick.US is in need of some... assistance.
in France, it's really hard to get
a decent porno magazine, that doesn't cost 20 bucks and doesn't have
horses and shit in it (French people are perverts!!)
This is what I humbly ask, and whether you agree with it or not, please just try to pass the word around:
I'd really like it if somebody
would mail me a Playboy. A hustler even, or one of those mini-magazines
that don't cost as much to mail.
Much as I'd love to help directly, I dumped all my dead tree porn after
marrying a beautiful woman with healthy appetites. However, if you've
got a couple of left over magazines and want to prevent the tragedy of
masturbation to horse porn, then please send what you can to:
Jeff Harr
Chambre A45
2, avenue des Jeux Olympiques
38029 GRENOBLE CEDEX 2, FRANCE
And please, no midgets, horses, firemen, or hairy French broads.
Trey, don't even ask.
Crap. I just realized that having the phrase "horse porn" in this entry is gonna rope in some bad Google searches.
*shrug*
posted by Harvey at 6:32:03 PM permalink HOME
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THE BARTENDER IS DRUNK AGAIN
Or so I assume, since he's started reminiscing about Ye Olde Tyme TV over at Madfish Willie's. See if you remember any of the shows this old coot is talking about, some of which are:
Flashback... Atom Ant/Secret
Squirrel... The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle... I hated Sesame
Street... Never watched Mr Rogers... Popeye - now that guy was always
kicking some ass... Bugs Bunny - did anyone ever [f***] him up, EVER?...
There's more at the bar.
And just for the record, I always thought Mr. Rogers was a little creepy...
posted by Harvey at 6:24:36 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, March 28, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Whenever we're apart it feels like part of me is missing... and then I remember, you have my heart.
posted by Harvey at 5:58:46 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Call Kellie Fenters for a good time 1-224-627-1198]
"Thank you for calling Dial-a-Hummer. Kellie's mouth is full right now. Please hold until she swallows."
*cue muzak version of AC/DC's "Giving the Dog a Bone"*
posted by Harvey at 5:56:46 PM permalink HOME
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ABOUT TIME SOMEONE SAID IT
Just breezing around the Emperor's palace, when I came across this post where he comes out & says what everyone knows about Socialism, but is too afraid to say in polite company:
You're talking about an ideology that has never led to anything but
misery since the first sick psychopath thought about implementing it,
an ideology that has killed 170 million people over the last century, and you're all bewitched, baffled and bewildered at their actions TODAY?
Maybe it's because I have personal experience where socialism is
concerned (and an exceedingly mild version of it at that, if you REALLY
want to hear horror stories, try talking to somebody who were lucky
enough to escape from the REAL hellholes), but I just can't fathom why
anybody in a country populated by free people with access to all the
information that they want can STILL be pretending that socialism is
"just another ideology" and that it's really "shocking" how they behave.
They're animals, murderers, thieves, rapists and the lowest scum
that ever lived.
I was a Cold War sailor who spent 4 years on the Enterprise. I
worked in the Reactor Engineering department. Think of me as one of
those red shirted guys that kept falling off the ladders while Scotty
grabbed the chicken wire in front of the warp nacelles whenever the
ship took a pounding.
My job was to float around the Indian Ocean so that the Godless
Commies in Russia would know that we watching them, because we knew
that they were an Evil Empire that needed to be watched. I was young,
and politically naive, but smart enough to know that I was doing the
right thing for the right reason.
Imagine my surprise when I went to college and had a Philosphy
teacher that had us read the Communist Manifesto like it was just
another book.
Further imagine my surprise when I discovered that commies had already scored on points 2, 5, and 10 in this country, with an eye toward the other seven.
Now John Kerry wants to repeal the 13th Amendment for high school students:
John Kerry will ensure that every high school student in America
performs community service as a requirement for graduation. This
service will be a rite of passage for our nation’s youth and will help
foster a lifetime of service.
Ah, yes, that would be #8, wouldn't it? Jeez, these bastards just never stop do they? And what pisses me off is that no one
is calling him on it. Kerry's got all this sick, twisted,
slave-to-the-state crap slathered all over his website, and all the
conservatives can blather about is 30-year-old lies. What about the
man's current plan for heavy-handed socialism? Is no one opposed to this? Is NO ONE morally offended by this?
I, for one, am. Kerry makes me sick. Why? Because, like Misha, I know
enough about history - about Germany, and Russia, and China, and North
Korea, et.al.- to know where this leads if unchecked:
170 million innocents murdered aren't enough for you to realize that
socialism needs to be eradicated completely and utterly, never to be
heard of again?
Then, pray tell, just how many more millions need to die before you
stop acting surprised and finally acknowledge evil when you see it?
Zero.
posted by Harvey at 3:07:04 PM permalink HOME
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CAN I BORROW A CUP OF TROLL?
Lucky Susie already got ANOTHER troll to play with:
I can't wait for your lying fascist bogus potus to go down in
November... just counting the days, you conformist, willfully ignorant
clowns.
P.S. You forgot to put your mutual half-brain back into the jar of salty brine...
She puts him down in fine form.
posted by Harvey at 12:07:04 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If every word I said could make you smile, I'd talk forever.
posted by Harvey at 12:13:16 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
PRESIDENTIAL FUN FACT:
In 1789, the other delegates teased Washington mercilessly for showing up to the Constitutional Convention with a huge hickey.
posted by Harvey at 12:11:43 AM permalink HOME
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Saturday, March 27, 2004
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YES, I REMEMBER
Jen of Jen's History & Stuff has posted an excerpt
from an Australian on-line newspaper describing the events of September
11th, which was posted on that very afternoon. She also posted a quote
from September 12th on the reactions of... certain world leaders...
Even though Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat said he was "horrified" by
the attack, The Associated Press reports indicted that thousands of
Palestinians celebrated in the streets, chanting "God is great," and
even passing out candy to passersby.
Iraqi television played a patriotic song that begins with the
words "Down with America!" as images of the World Trade Center's towers
falling played across the screen.
Her post ends with the statement:
Don't be so quick to forget.
Go ahead, ask me. Have I forgotten?
Never have, never will.
Although I try not to think about it too often, because every time I
actually go back to the day and fully engage, something black and cruel
rises up inside me. A blooming mushroom cloud of rage and hatred. I
need to scream. I need to kill.
I want to wade through a sea of blood, and I'm not too particular about
whose it is, as long as they used to breathe the air of the Middle East.
At times like this, the idea of actually nuking Mecca and Medina becomes not only thinkable, but pleasurable. And I'd laugh while it happened and spit on the weeping mothers of the dead.
So, no, I don't think about it often. Because I don't like what I become when I do.
But I haven't forgotten.
posted by Harvey at 11:23:11 PM permalink HOME
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THE COMMENT PARTY RAGES ON
...at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. I got some more pictures back. Judging by the hair color, I do believe that's Goldie testing out the exotic dancer pole that Graumagus just installed. I think that's Trey in the suit, who seems to be REALLY enjoying the show... I guess his inner lesbian got the best of him again.
In the background, Graumagus and... judging by that high & tight haircut, it must be Mike the Marine... seem to be quite pleased about something. Trey's kinda blocking the view below waist level, and, since Tiffany & LeeAnn aren't visible, one can only speculate.
So stop by the comment party at Madfish Willie's, where the beer is
cold, the grill is always fired up, the meat is hot, and the sauce gets
slathered over everything.
Also, it's the only place in town smart enough to know that the only
proper use for Zima (which I've heard described as a mixture of cherry
juice, mouthwash, and beer) is for impromptu wet t-shirt contests...
which Susie and her large fonts seem to win with alarming frequency.
(tip in the g-string of Pam for posting this pic for me to find & grab)
posted by Harvey at 9:05:13 PM permalink HOME
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NOT RESPECTING THE PROCESS
Debbye of Being American in T.O. never saw 9/11 coming:
I can't summon up outrage against the Clinton administration. I can't summon up outrage against the Bush administration. The somebody should have known mindset is all very well and good if you actually believe the technology in The X-Files is online and available to our government.
Maybe if one of the terrorist attacks thwarted during the Millennium
celebrations been successful we'd have a different scenario today.
Maybe. Maybe. That's the stuff of fiction, though, not policy.
We're not omnipotent. Is that so hard to get?
In the comments to her post, I told her I never saw it coming either:
Personally, as much as I despise Clinton, I don't blame him for not
foreseeing 9/11. Neither do I blame Bush. Before 9/11, I never could
have conceived hijacking commercial passenger aircraft for suicide
missions. Even now it still sounds vaguely tinfoil hat. But it
happened, and everything changed because of it.
9/11 probably couldn't have been prevented. But now that we
understand the depth and breadth of the enemy's insanity, perhaps the
next one can.
So I really don't know what the 9/11 committee is trying to accomplish.
From what I can tell, it's a finger-pointing circus. Vanderleun of
American Digest agrees, and takes it one step further by illustrating the clown version of the hearings, and he makes an excellent point in the process:
Committee Clown: "So tell us again why, with all the zillions of
chucky-bucks, we were throwing at this problem over the years, we were
subjected to September 11. Somebody's gotta get shot out of a cannon
for this, you know.”
Witness Clown: “Well, I hate to break character here and give you a
straight answer instead of just flapping my slapstick against the
table, Senator, but if you can spare a moment from pondering that email
promising penis enlargement, here's the scoop.
“Nobody, but nobody, outside of about 50 Islam-addled whackjobs high
on burning donkey dung, would have been able to believe on September
10, that a cadre of crazed fanatics were going to hijack four airliners
and drive them into three buildings and a field.
“Nobody stopped it because nobody could imagine it other than those
that did it, and those that ordered it done. It was, and is, an act of
sheer evil so large and so outside the ability of a rational and
civilized mind to entertain that we just couldn't see it coming. I
resent that both of us have to sit here strapped into these drool cups
and pretend somebody should have.
“They got us because the were not only more evil than we imagined, they were more evil than we can imagine.
Yes they are.
posted by Harvey at 8:31:20 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS FINAL ROUND
CHALLENGE AND WHOLE BLOG REVIEWS
The Challenge Question:
The blogosphere has just been invaded by space aliens from the planet
Zebnon. As King of the Blogs it is your duty to meet the threat. In
doing this you must make a delegation of bloggers to rise up and meet
the aliens. You are excluded from including members of the judging
panel on this delegation (no butt-kissing!) For each member you must
include a reason why.
Walloworld:
GOOD POINTS: As the reigning King of the Blogs, he did what all
bloodthirsty tryants do: ignored all the rules of civilzed behavior
that apply to lesser beings. Despite the "no butt-kissing" rule, he
managed to work in gratuitous links to 2 of the judges. Since one of
them was me and the other was Susies delectable gluteous, this counts
in his favor. Also, it was a well-written and entertaining post with a
nice swipes at several "oddball teams with a mission" movies.
BAD POINTS: Channelling the spirit of a coked-up Johnny Cochrane, he
went on and on, answering a simple question so many times that for the
next seven months, America's Presidential campaign discussion will
revolve around how to best handle the nationwide pixel shortage caused
by Bill's bloviating windbaggery. Also, a tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 9
Irritable Blog Syndrome:
GOOD POINTS: With the unswerving arrogance befitting royalty, The Bull
pointedly assumed the title of Queen in her essay. This kind of naked
power-lust is something I could kneel before. Also, she puts some
serious firepower into the mix by choosing Misha, who does rage better than anyone alive. Well constructed, with a carefully crafted "breaking news story" theme.
BAD POINTS: Didn't link to Helen's "blogging nekkid" picture when mentioning her name.
SCORE: 9
Blog Supplement:
GOOD POINTS: Demonstrating two-faced deceptive diplomacy worthy of Colonel Green,
Hbee avoids the "direct show of strength" tactic chosen by the other
two contenders and showcases blogs so bad that it took me an hour to
read his post because I kept running away from my computer, screaming
from the crippling horror of it all. Bonus points for demonstrating
that, not matter what pathetic inanity I may post, my blog could suck a
LOT worse. Anyone afflicted with "blogger's doubt" must read this post.
BAD POINTS: No matter how much Clorox I drink, I can't get the taste of that "Poor Lemur Poem" out of my mouth.
SCORE: 10
The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality
shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.
Walloworld:
GOOD POINTS: All his technical points are still in fine working
order. Personality-wise, I gotta love the way he put up the short
descriptions by the judges' links. I also enjoy the "recent entries by
category" feature.
BAD POINTS: Ummm... [searching desperately for something mean to
say]... uh, he's still a lawyer... uh... oh! He needs to capitalize his
category names.... Rats! Who am I kidding?
SCORE: 10
Irritable Blog Syndrome:
GOOD POINTS: Technical points - all good. I also love the way she fixed
that "no, really, I'm a girl" problem, as well as finally figuring out
where to put that horrid & disturbing logo image (which actually
starts to grow on you after a while). Speaking of which, although I
dinged King Bill for using the "extended entries" feature too much,
it's actually a blessing with Bull's entries, because it obscures Mr.
Flashy Guts.
BAD POINTS: I specifically asked for bikini pictures! Where are my
bikini pictures? Oh well. A couple minor nits, probably leftover
untidynesses from the last re-design & not worth deducting for: You
might want to shrink the left column just a touch, because occasionally
a letter or two will spill over the edge of the background onto Mr. FG.
Also, you should put either more space or a line or something between
the bottom of one post and the top of the next, just for esthetics. I'm
not deducting because the tiny print followed by bolded titles is a
satisfactory visual divider. I'm just saying it looks a little crowded.
SCORE: 10
Blog Supplement:
GOOD POINTS: What a nice young man. And such a tidy sidebar! Not
crowded with dirty pictures & blog affiliations like most bloggers.
Although I suppose it will
get filled up in time. I like the way he works that puppy theme for all
it's worth, both as a header and a post divider. Brings a sense of
unity to the page.
BAD POINTS: Piddled on my rug. BAD DOG! Anyway, there are some
important technical items missing. First, no 'search' feature. This
could cost you linkage down the road. Let's say I vaguely remembered
something you once said about some stand-up comedian, and I wanted to
quote and link you. If you have search, I can find the entry in
question easily & I'll probably take the time. Without it, I'm too
lazy to try to force it through Google. Second, there's no "about me"
post. Which is an even bigger problem since with a name like Hbee, your
gender is indeterminate (although I did find something indicating
maleness in one of the entries, so...). Besides, I'd like to know a
little bit more about the author. A third, but non-deductable item is
that I couldn't find a link to your main blog page. As a courtesy to
your readers, you might consider putting such a link in your entry
template somewhere near the permalink. Anyway, although I've mentioned
several items, I'm only dinging lightly in view of your recent
de-blogspotification.
SCORE: 9
posted by Harvey at 5:37:14 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with
the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the
impossibility of separation.
posted by Harvey at 12:42:25 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, March 26, 2004
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DESPERATELY SEEKING ATTENTION
When I was a kid growing up in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin, my dad subscribed to the Milwaukee Journal
(now the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel). Like most big papers, it was a
leftist piece of horseshit, but it was the biggest, newsiest rag
around, and the internet hadn't been invented yet, so you had to get
your news from somewhere.
There was ONE cool thing about the Journal, though - the comics
section. It was one full sheet of newsprint, i.e. four pages, and the
paper was tinted green. Which is why they called it "The Green Sheet". I really appreciated the fact that it was so easy to find each day, because that's the only part of paper I read anyway.
So I grew up on 3 panel newspaper comic strips. I really loved Bloom County (I was too young to notice the occasional liberal screed) and was sad to see Berke retire.
Now that I'm a curmudgeonly old coot, I don't read newspapers or their comics anymore. Most of them are unfunny crap anyway (don't even get me started on Doonesbury and Boondocks). I get all my comics off the web these days. The first one I read every morning is Chris Muir's Day By Day.
It's political, like Doonesbury, except right-wing instead of left, as
funny as Doonesbury is un-, and as insightful as Boondocks is
idiotarian.
Take, for example, last Wednesday's effort. Chris just spot-on, dead-bang nails it to the wall. You can't make a point any better than that.
Now, Chris is in the midst of a desperate battle
to get his comic picked up by the syndicates & dead tree folks. I
don't actually subscribe to any papers, so I pull no weight there. But
I can shout from my tiny blogospheric rooftop & try to spread the
word for him. Onto the blogroll he goes, in pole position. Plus the "Free Damon" logo on the left side, which I pulled from Little Tiny Lies.
Final word: Chris' work rocks more than anything currently published in any "old media" comics page (word up, Mallard Fillmore), but it's still only available in pixels. This is a crime. Please fight for vigilante justice any way you can.
posted by Harvey at 11:27:13 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S DAYS OFF
(A FILTHY LIE)
Instapundit (Evil Glenn), oppressor of small blogs
Sat upon his icy throne, blending puppy dogs.
Blogging like a man possessed, dead hobos by his toes.
"Hmmm. Heh. Indeed." he typed, hit post, and then he stretched and rose.
"This doesn't satisfy," he thought, "I need a little break."
"Some time away from blogging - a vacation I will take."
"But where to go and what to do? Some fun place I would think"
"A place with lonely women, where I can score and drink"
He went out to the disco, to prance around the floors
His Robot Dancing better for the spiders in his drawers.
With socks and sandals on his feet, he cut a mighty rug.
His venom-swollen johnson making BVD's fit snug.
He met a pretty girl there by the name of Fatty Sue.
A fine, sweet piece of woman (though she weighed a ton or two).
They both went back to her place, he kissed her at the door.
She took his hand and dragged him in, they smooched a little more.
Kitchen counter, heavy petting, things got really hot.
He reached between her chunky thighs, she said "YES! That's the spot!"
She dragged him to her boudoir and she threw him on the bed.
He lost control and threw a fist that landed on her head.
She stopped, she glared, "Glenn! What the f***? Why did you hit me so?"
"It's true I like it really rough, but that shit's gotta go!"
I punch ALL bloggers violently," said Reynolds with a grin.
"It's what I do, it's who I am, don't tell me it's a sin."
"Well I don't blog," said Fatty Sue, "and wouldn't if I could."
"Control yourself, you naughty boy, and fill me with your wood."
Glenn shrugged and sighed and gave his all in 15 seconds flat.
Then rolled right off and fell asleep. Said Fatty, "What was THAT?"
"That's all I've got," Glenn Reynolds moaned, "there isn't any more."
He closed his eyes, fell fast asleep, and then began to snore.
"I'll fix him up," thought Fatty Sue, "'cuz I know just the trick."
She grabbed her poodle, Fluffy, and she blended him up quick.
She poured the goo down Reynolds's throat, and much to her delight
His eyes flew open quickly and his manhood stood upright.
She climbed aboard his now-firm pole, and rode that pony hard
Her massive rolls a-bouncing 'round her ass of solid lard.
But in her eagerness to quell her raw compelling lust
She didn't hear his bones go "CRACK!" and crumble into dust.
Yet still she humped his broken form, did not let up at all
Until the "big O" took her and she gushed a waterfall.
She climbed off Glenn and said "Hot DAMN! You're really great in bed!"
Glenn just laid unmoving. "Oh my God! I think he's dead!"
"Not dead," said Glenn, "just slightly crushed, and if you'll help me up"
"I'll go another round or two, if you've another pup."
They went on through the night that way, bang - drink puppy - bang.
Her flabby body crushing his 'til dawn, when she said, "Dang!"
"You're really very virile for a geeky blogger guy."
"I'm sorry 'bout those broken bones... you up for one more try?"
But by this time sobriety had Reynolds in its grasp.
He got a look at what he'd laid, and sucked a frightened gasp.
Evil Glenn stared stunned and shocked, now seeing Fatty's trick.
For Fatty Sue was Fatty STAN, complete with Fatty Dick.
Glenn ran screaming out the door, and even left his pants.
"I'll never drink again," he vowed, "or even Robot Dance!"
And that's the tale of Glenn's days off, by now you've guessed the rest.
I'd set him up (I'm such a prick).
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:58:55 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
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JUST TEASING
...because I can. My Filthy Lie assignment is about 95% finished, and just needs a little tuning, polishing, & linking. Expect it Friday evening.
Think epic poem.
Maybe I'll even be funnier than GEBIV this week.
posted by Harvey at 11:27:16 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #79
...is up & running at Encyclopeteia. Some good commentary by the host leads me to believe he actually read all the entries.
My pick this week is actually the host's entry, wherein he posts the most delightful captions on some poor saps who sent their pics in to "Hot or Not". For the record, my favorite was #3a.
My comment on #7: Say, weren't you the 4 of Diamonds in the Iraqi Bastard deck of cards?
posted by Harvey at 11:10:21 PM permalink HOME
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"CIRCLE!"
Tom of BigStick.US posted the conclusion to his tale of battling idiot hippy protesters. I always knew leftist lapdogs were a bit dim, but geez:
Whenever we would gather with our
counter-protest signs to be photographed by some member of the media,
the same woman would invariably stand behind us and hold up her "bring
the troops home" (or something) sign. It never occured to her that she
was holding it so high over our heads as to keep its message completely
out of the frame of the picture. Oh, well.
But the best part is the "Attack of the Killer Circle". Don't miss it.
posted by Harvey at 11:02:42 PM permalink HOME
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YOU HEARD IT HERE SECOND
Apple sells music for $.99 per song.
Wal-Mart's doing it for $.88.
Where's this going? Where will it end? Vanderleun of American Digest thinks it'll bottom out around $.25, and I think he's probably right.
I'm bookmarking that one for future reference, just so I can be smug later.
posted by Harvey at 11:00:34 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
We turned on one another with deep, drowned gazes, and exchanged a kiss that reduced my bones to rubber and my brain to gruel.
posted by Harvey at 10:34:56 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Angie P. Angie P.]
Angie hated it when people made fun of her bladder control problem.
posted by Harvey at 10:31:40 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
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DIRTY HIPPIES ON PARADE
Tom of BigStick.US has the low down on the local protesters:
As the protesters passsed us, they reacted more or less as we had
expected - random jeers and curses, et cetera. It did seem to distract
them pretty well from the canned slogans they had previously been
shouting (all that hard work gone to waste, I mean, it probably took
most of them weeks to figure out those six- to ten-word rhyming
couplets through the massive haze of illegal drugs). A few protested
that they also supported our troops, and for that reason wanted to pull
them out of Iraq (obviously a proposition none of them ever ran past
any of our military personnel). A few screamed things to the effect of,
"Why don't you go fight?" Our response: "Okay!" (I should point out the
majority of our group was composed of ROTC cadets, and would have been
much larger had the Army ROTC folk not been off doing training
exercises that weekend. As for myself, I'd like to mention that this
is my first-choice med school if I can get past the physical
requirements.) This shut them up for a few seconds, at which point they
just started screaming random insults such as "fascist" and
"imperialist", as well as the standard "no blood for oil" BS.
More at the link.
posted by Harvey at 11:06:04 PM permalink HOME
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SHOPPING TIPS
Every once in a while, I come across a post while surfing that's actually USEFUL.
Like this one at We Swear, where _Jon posts a very thorough list of things to consider when buying your next computer.
It's especially helpful if you're one of those people, like me, who
tends to build up a system part by part. I really liked his observation
on processor speed vs. price:
I find that going with a system just under the newest release (by a
notch or two) tends to get nearly the same performance for less money.
I call it the Sweet Spot (which is slightly different than the G-Spot).
CPU
The place to start is the CPU. Go to www.pricewatch.com and
find the Sweet Spot for the CPU. I see no value in going with a 64 bit
CPU yet. For example, right now in the AMD CPU's, the prices are:
$404 - Athlon 64 3400
$265 - Athlon 64 3200
$211 - Athlon 64 3000
$192 - Athlon XP 3200
$181 - Athlon XP 3200 400
$139 - Athlon XP 3000
$157 - Athlon XP 3000 400
$109 - Athlon XP 2800
$103 - Athlon XP 2800 333
$89 - Athlon XP 2700 333
In this case, the Sweet Spot is the XP 3000. Ask yourself, are you
really going to notice the difference between 3000 and 3200? Even if it
is 64 bit and 400 Front Side Bus (memory)? I doubt it. You can splurge
on a 64 - if you want, or waste your money on an Intel - if you want.
Keep in mind that you'll have to upgrade the System Board and Memory
too.
Of course, if your build computers for fun, like Blogless Brother Tom,
you'll probably find stuff to argue with (Windows XP = Satan, after
all), but then again, that's half the joy.
posted by Harvey at 11:02:42 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Do I love her?
More with every breath I take.
Every word she speaks, every deed, every word she writes.
I love her more.
Never have I had this feeling before.
I adore her!
posted by Harvey at 10:54:09 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Shorty 420]
Turns out that "Shorty" is actually one of those ironic nicknames, because that "420" is his... uh, size... in millimeters.
posted by Harvey at 10:51:56 PM permalink HOME
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WAIT... WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT?
Susie of Practical Penumbra is the luckiest woman on earth. Why?
Because she's got it ALL. Looks, brains, wit, wisdom, large fonts,
trolls...
Well, a troll.
In the comments to a post on why terrorists are bad, this one said the following amongst other silly statements.
So, okay, do what you want (in any
case, who's going to stop you?), but spare us all the moral high
ground. I don't believe that any of the "civilised" nations do anything
unless there's a buck to be made from it. The difference is only that
the U.S. seems to believe its own publicity.
Which made me get that "Nipper the RCA dog head tilt & confused look".
Of COURSE we're in it to make a buck. And that's WHY we have the moral high ground.
Here's a crash course on Capitalism:
Two promises are made, two promises are kept, repeat.
McDonald's promises me a hot & sloppy Big Mac. I promise them a buck. We both pay off. Everyone is happy.
Nothing but small, frequent doses of honesty, integrity, and
trustworthiness. I'm not aware of any moral code flaky enough to
disapprove of that.
There's even punishment for sinners - no repeat business, leading to eventual insolvency.
Granted, not every business keeps every promise, but unless they keep not only most
of them, but the VAST MAJORITY of them, they won't last long, because
odds are there's a competitor concerned enough about his reputation to
pick up the slack (and their profits) should they fall short.
So, yes, "civilised" nations do it for the money.
That's why they're considered "civilized".
Silly.
posted by Harvey at 10:21:49 PM permalink HOME
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KERRYS FIRST 100 DAYS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
John Kerry has a plan for America. In his first 100 days, John Kerry vows that he will:
Preserve endangered species by creating a Wildlife Refuge for interns in Africa.
Reduce America's dependence on foreign oil by banning Bikini Oil Wresting contests.
Require mandatory skiing lessons for all Secret Service sons of bitches.
Take Iraq reconstruction contracts away from Halliburton and give them to more qualified companies like Heinz.
Fight to ensure that all Americans can afford the drugs they need, and stop the out of control upward spiral of crack prices.
Prevent America from taking unilateral military action with it's 50 coalition partners, unless one of them is France.
Protect children from the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping our
nation by passing the "Only Kill Children With Knives Act".
Win the war against illiteracy by requiring subtitles on all SpongeBob SquarePants episodes.
Pick up those medals he threw over the fence.
Stop the spread of Mad Cow Disease by renaming it "Disgruntled Bovine Affliction".
Fight the AIDS epidemic by banning viruses.
Show his support for the Americans With Disabilities Act by hiring blind, quadriplegic Secret Service Agents.
And teaching those sons of bitches how to ski.
Fund more after school programs for children so they can develop
non-academic interests and skills, such as music, art, and pimpin' they
ho's.
Increase the safety of all Americans by requiring "CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE" warning labels on all terrorists.
Make college affordable to all who wish to attend by burning down the "too expensive" ones.
Stop the national crime epidemic by passing the "Make Crime Illegal Act".
Increase workplace safety by requiring all workers to wear cushy, inflatable "sumo suits"
Expand economic opportunities for women by making it legal to hire them for "non-girly" jobs.
Champion initiatives that ensure children are not forced to learn in overcrowded classrooms by shooting every third child.
Keep "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, but add the words "If that's ok with France" at the end.
Yes, with initiatives like these, John Kerry will, if elected, go down
in the history books as the best President the United States of Al
Qaeda ever had.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:27:33 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
When I saw you I fell in love.
And you smiled because you knew.
posted by Harvey at 5:57:15 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Brianna]
With a name like that, she'll probably grow up to be either a hooker or a pop star. Like there's a difference.
posted by Harvey at 5:51:59 PM permalink HOME
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SHAZAM!
The difference? One is an irritating, yet lovable, bumbling nincompoop. The other starred in his own TV series.
(Hat tip to Gomer Mike the Marine for the pics)
posted by Harvey at 5:41:50 PM permalink HOME
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BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES IS UP
...and smoking like a missle-blasted terrorist over at MTPolitics.
I gotta say, the host's intros were bitter, cruel, and merciless. And
it's about damn, time, too! You future Bonfire hosts take note. Your
object is to make Don Rickles look like Mr. Rogers.
But Craig DID screw up one skewering. When it came to John of Useful Fools' entry
on the idiocy of the "Please Stop Winning the War" protestors, what he
should've done was warn people about that first picture which contains
the foulest-looking rear-end-camel-toe to EVER sandblast my rentinas.
I will NEVER forgive either man for not posting a warning on that.
posted by Harvey at 5:26:50 PM permalink HOME
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MUST BE THE NITROUS
because J of Quibbles & Bits went to the dentist & now he's saying the silliest stuff:
I want fangs. Not vampire fangs,
but big sabre toothed tiger fangs. Then I could bite John Kerry when he
cuts in line. I could keep him in check, y'know, just bite him when
he's being an asshole. But then I'd be biting all the time and they'd
have to put me down. The big fangs would give Osama another hiding
place, too... Oh well, maybe not.
Chocolate covered malted milk
candy shelled eggs are the best Easter candy ever! You can buy me some
by clicking on the PayPal button to the right. They're $2.99 a bag at
the local target. Not that I'm hinting...
If I had fangs, I could protect my chocolate covered malted milk candy shelled eggs like they were my children.
He should be ok by now, so go ahead & click the link to get the rest.
... wait... maybe he's NOT ok...
posted by Harvey at 5:22:47 PM permalink HOME
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THE PARTY RAGES ON
The comment party is still going on at Madfish Willies. The
Bartender seems to have blessed the event by not only making the
coveted 200th comment, but also moving the party to the top of the page.
Meanwhile, the ladies seem to be missing. If your name is Susie,
Goldie, Tiffany, Teresa, LeeAnn, Dana, Margi, Pam, Heather, Beth,
Agatha, or Jen, your presence is requested in the Champagne Room.
(Sorry for not lighting up the links on the names, but I'm late for work.
Oh, and Lynn, you're invited too, but you'll probably want to use a fake name to save your reputation ;-)
posted by Harvey at 7:20:31 AM permalink HOME
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Monday, March 22, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I love you because I am sensitive to touch and you have touched my heart.
posted by Harvey at 10:56:24 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Here's how I do it. Put the penny in, wait 60 seconds, pull the penny out. If it looks like this, then the coffee's ready.
posted by Harvey at 10:54:16 PM permalink HOME
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THE BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
is being hosted this week by the sweetiest 23-year-old in the blogosphere - Susie of Practical Penumbra.
Lot's of good stuff all around, but my favorite was the hostess's entry, which quotes her little brother reporting on what he learned in Microeconomics class:
Walmart is a hugely successful
company because they don't give paychecks to their employees and they
also screw all their customers.
Coming to a small town near you: Harv-Mart. Our customers are beaten
with bicycle chains and our employees pay ME for the privilege of
coming to work each day.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
I wonder why Susie cast me as Snidely Whiplash?
Which reminds me... any pretty ladies out there wanna get tied to the railroad track? [twirls moustache]
posted by Harvey at 8:41:41 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE CAPITALISTS
is up at The Entrepreneurial Mind.
Ya know, I still have a hard time believing that a word describing such
a noble pursuit has its origin's in FRENCH. Strange world.
Yet a good round up, because thanks to this post by abnu of Wordlab, I found out what the secret ingredient in Dasani bottled water is.
Nope, not ordinary tap water, although that's in there.
Nope, not bromate, although ""
It's... well... it's at the other end of the link in the first update.
I damn near died laughing. WTF were they thinking?
posted by Harvey at 8:39:09 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE CATS
is up at Amish Tech Support. Which led me to this picture at DGCI (the top one of the three), about which I feel compelled to say the following:
Although I have a full beard and it's getting a little gray, and I've
been known stare vacantly at the TV with the remote in one hand and a
beer in the other, THAT IS NOT A PICTURE OF ME.
Just sayin'.
posted by Harvey at 8:35:42 PM permalink HOME
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ICEPICK FROG NUCLEAR = THE SIMPSONS IN SPANISH
WTF?
Oh, must be another edition of "I Feel Lucky", where Graumagus plugs random phrases into Google.
Cute little flower, too.
posted by Harvey at 7:12:41 AM permalink HOME
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2015 PART 11
is up at BigStick.US. The French are worse, but at least the Canadian's or (N'at'ers) are better. Slightly more fireproof, anyway.
posted by Harvey at 7:09:46 AM permalink HOME
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Sunday, March 21, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman I love.
posted by Harvey at 6:55:19 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Jesus died 4 u so He wouldn't have to live w/o u]
After discovering what the replacement phrase would be, the ACLU decided it could live with "IN GOD WE TRUST".
posted by Harvey at 6:51:40 PM permalink HOME
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KEEP 'EM FRESH
As if the love notes category
didn't clue you in, I do have a hopelessly romantic side. Part of that
includes celebrating my wedding anniversary every month. On or about
the 9th of every calendar page (depending on how well my memory is
working) I pick up a single long-stem red rose for Beloved Wife.
I've found I get more "thoughtful husband points" when these pretty
little tokens of my affection survive for a few days instead of a few
hours, so, as a public service to rose-buying husbands &
boyfriends, I'm offering the following tips on maximizing a cut rose's
life span.
1) select a rose that still has a few leaves on it. Leaves make food, and a fed rose is a happy rose.
2) select a rose with a bud that is just starting to open up. It'll last longer than one that's in full bloom
3) When you get the rose home, cut off the bottom of the stem UNDER
WATER. This keeps air bubbles from forming in the little tubes that
draw the water up the stem.
4) If you buy your rose from a florist, they'll often include a little
packet of "cut flower food". Use it. If you're a cheapskate like me and
buy your rose at a gas station, just drop a pinch of plain old
granulated sugar in the vase's water. That's pretty much all cut flower
food is, anyway.
5) This one might be just some kind of florist's urban legend, but I've
tried it, and it seems to work (or at least not hurt). Put a few copper
pennies in the vase to help inhibit the growth of bacteria that can
plug up the flower's little water tubes. I use pre-1982 pennies, since
they're mostly copper, as opposed to the ones made after '82, which are
mostly zinc. It may or may not make a difference, I haven't
experimented.
Since I've started doing this, my roses tend to last at least 4 or 5
days, instead of starting to wilt within hours. Feel free to give
these hints a try & see if they work for you.
posted by Harvey at 6:40:32 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS WEEK 1 RESULTS
The top 3 finishers for round 1 of this week's KotB Tournament are:
Blog Supplement 22.5
Walloworld 21.5
Irritable Blog Syndrome 21.375
Note to Bull of IBS - I like the way you solved the "no, really, I'm a
girl" problem. That will serve you well in next week's whole-blog
judging. Just remember that I REALLY like bikini pictures [wink, wink].
Anyway, the full scoring details can be found at the KotB site, as can Smarter Cop's
reviews, which are fair, balanced, objective, accurate,
thought-provoking, and only marginally stuffy. Maybe someday he'll
loosen up enough to wet his pants laughing. I'm tellin' ya Pietro,
there's no better feeling. Besides, why do ya think they make Depends?
Coming Next: Week 2 challenge and whole-blog judging. The crown will be
on the line, and there are 3 brutal and talented competitors left. Who
will win? Probably the one with the most bikini pictures, but only time
will tell.
posted by Harvey at 2:16:04 PM permalink HOME
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Saturday, March 20, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You know what real love is when just thinking of your lover - maybe
something they did before, or just the thought - gives you chills all
over your body.
posted by Harvey at 9:37:09 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Told you so Ben]
For years, Franklin when on and on about how he "had that $1 bill gig
sewn up", so George couldn't resist the urge to talk a little trash
once the bill assignments were finally posted.
posted by Harvey at 9:35:10 PM permalink HOME
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HOW FAR BEHIND THE CURVE AM I?
I just found out that you can buy an imaginary girlfriend on eBay.
For your winning bid, you get some chummy e-mails, a couple pictures,
some snail-mail, a nice card, and when your time is up, one last letter
telling you how devastated she is that you dumped her and begging you
to take her back.
Handy little item if you're looking to shut up your nosy parents,
impress your friends, or merely acquire enough evidence to allow you to
remain comfortably in the closet.
Interesting.
And to think I'm giving it away to Susie for free...
(Convoluted hat tip as follows: I asked Jon - the unsolicited e-mailer doing research on blogging - whether he has a blog. He said no, but told me one of his fellow grad students blogged. So I followed the link to Danyel of Made Out of People, scrolled down and found an entry with a link to an entry with the link to the relevant eBay search)
posted by Harvey at 9:05:30 PM permalink HOME
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STEALING FRANK J.'S FUNNY
Frank J. of IMAO is the funniest blogger in cyberspace. No one questions that (except Scott Ott of Scrappleface, and what the hell does HE know about being funny?). But have you ever wondered how Frank does it? The answer is NOT, as some suspect, that he sold his soul to some dark, malevolent power. Rather, it's a combination of native talent and some simple techniques that you can apply to your own writing.
Today's lesson will consist of an analysis of one of Frank's recent masterpieces: Know Thy Enemy: Canada,
wherein he lists numerous "fun facts about Canada". I'll show you how,
by examining each "fact", you can extract a broader, underlying rule,
which you can then apply to mock a similarly annoying country. For
example, France. Let's begin:
Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.
RULE: Mock the country's origin.
EX: France was originally a penal colony for snotty waiters exiled from other European nations.
Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.
RULE: Mock the country's political power structure.
EX: As France's President, Jacques Chirac can legally demand that French citizens perform puppet shows in his honor.
That happens usually three times a year.
RULE: This one is a standard humor technique known as a "callback" which means making reference to a prior joke
EX: This normally takes place on National Cowardice Day, i.e. every day.
The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in
the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along
it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.
RULE: Pick out a geographic feature and get silly.
EX: France has numerous mountains, most of which would prefer to be in Switzerland.
It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon
is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're
being invaded, eh!"
RULE: Mock their relatively ineffective military. This works for almost every country except for the US, Britain, and Australia.
EX: France's Army is feared throughout the world for its devastating use of surrender-fu.
Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
RULE: An animal comparison.
EX: The fact that the French enjoy eating frogs does NOT make them cannibals.
Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.
RULE: Mock the origin of the country's name.
EX: France was originally known as "Frogs who are easily frightened
into wetting their pants", which was later shortened to "Fr'ants" which
was then misspelled by the ignorant natives.
For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.
RULE: Another callback
EX: Eventually the country will be known as "Franceandsurrendering" or "Fr'ing"
Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan's Palm.
RULE: Mock the country's national symbol
EX: The symbol of France is the "Fleur de Lis" or "Lesbian Flower".
In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf... actually, a maple leaf
is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle,
would whup Aquaman's ass, though.
RULE: This statement recalls an old joke for the pleasure of Frank's
regular readers about what a lame superhero Aquaman is. This is known
as a "running gag". He also throws in a callback
EX: In a fight between Aquaman and France, Aquaman would be devastated by France's surrender-fu.
Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.
RULE: Offer a semi-complimentary characteristic, then twist it into an insult
EX: The French believe in using diplomacy to the exclusion of everything else – even soap.
Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we
accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard
American currency.
RULE: Mock their currency.
EX: The French currency - the Franc - is printed on very large, soft,
pieces of paper, which Americans frequently mistake for novelty toilet
paper.
Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.
RULE: Same topic, different angle.
EX: French currency usually has portraits of unkempt, warty-faced, scabrous, long-haired French men on it because French women are even uglier.
A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the
rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people - that's
so pathetic I can't even imagine it.
RULE: Mock a selected minority demographic
EX: France has a large, unassimilated Muslim population.
Coincidentally, the French spend a lot of time checking their cheese
for explosives.
Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.
RULE: Another compliment/smack-down combo.
EX: The French are a generous and hospitable people who will gladly welcome strangers into their homes. Ask any German soldier.
Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the
civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose
overlord.
RULE: More fun with the political power structure.
EX: The French have both a President and a Prime Minister. When the
country was originally founded, they couldn't decide which to have, so
they flipped a coin, which landed on its edge.
It's a myth that the normal way a Canadian says "about" is so that it
rhymes with "boot". It just happens that a lot of Canadians are
retarded.
RULE: Mock an aspect of their language
EX: The French word for "no" is "non", which makes them 50% less
efficient than Americans at properly responding to people who offer
them drugs.
The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone
there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American
priest for God to hear it.
RULE: Another geographic feature.
EX: France is surrounded by Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and
Spain. However, the French themselves are normally only surrounded by
Germans.
Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
RULE: Another callback
EX: The Germans are usually surrounded by Americans.
If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him
on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have
to catch them in the act or they'll never learn.
RULE: Comparison to a misbehaving animal.
EX: If a Frenchman starts chewing on your plants or scratching your furniture, use a squirt gun to interrupt the bad behavior.
Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.
RULE: Mock their historical accomplishments
EX: In the 1790's, France won its only known military victory by conquering itself
Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada's boring index to decrease slightly.
RULE: Another compliment/smack-down.
EX: Always bet on the Frenchman to win "Arrogant Idol".
Canada doesn't have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech
that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun
to help them recognize.
RULE: Mock them for being less free than America
EX: Freedom of speech is guaranteed by the French constitution in much the same way that Enzyte is guaranteed to enlarge your penis.
(Hat tip to Eric of Straight White Guy for the link)
Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.
RULE: Over-the-top declaration of how much the country sucks.
EX: Rats frequently leave France to board sinking ships.
Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
RULE: Mock their manufacturing output
EX: France's economy took a serious hit after Americans started
boycotting their wine. However, it's rebounding now that they've
discovered how to bottle arrogance and sell it to John Kerry.
Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.
RULE: Mock their shabby health care system.
EX: The French like to brag about how, in their country, health care is
considered a right. They are less likely to brag about how air conditioners are not.
Canadians are completely harmless, but don't assume someone who is
wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that
mistake and, well, it was messy.
RULE: Mock a national pastime
EX: The French like to ride bicycles and play girly games like soccer,
unlike the folks in cool nations who prefer to ride Harleys and play
manly games like "Dismemberball".
Canadians don't have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.
RULE: Mock them for having (or not having, as the case may be) nuclear missiles.
EX: Even though the French have nuclear missles, no one is afraid of
them, because the French still haven't figured out how to build a
"launch" button.
Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the
excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's
evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
RULE: Mock the nation's gun control policy (not applicable to the Swiss)
EX: France considers gun control laws unnecessary, since all guns were
long ago driven out of the country by Saint Patrick in exchange for
Ireland's frogs.
If ever attacked by a Canadian... well... beat the crap out of him.
What? You can't take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?
RULE: Frank's "if you are attacked by" running gag.
EX: If you are attacked by a Frenchman, wave a piece of white cloth in front of his eyes to trigger his surrender reflex.
This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
RULE: Mock their cultural taboos
EX: The French don't believe in the death penalty, except for people who speak unflatteringly of Jerry Lewis.
Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?"
RULE: One last callback
EX: Or write lists containing statements mocking France.
As you review these rules, you'll begin to notice a pattern that holds
the key to Frank J's brilliance. Instead of merely mocking the broad
cultural stereotypes like lesser beings, Frank will choose more mundane
and pedestrian aspects and make the effort to squeeze
the funny out of them. For example, only a true comedic genius would
ever think to pick out a nation's CURRENCY as a laughological target .
*AHEM*
So I hope you've learned something today, and don't be afraid to apply these rules to humiliate the country of your choice.
Class dismissed.
posted by Harvey at 8:30:39 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS REVIEWS
CHALLENGE AND SUBMITTED POSTS
Scores removed to maintain suspense. UPDATE(3-21-03 1:30pm): Scores added to remove suspense.
Final results will be posted at the King of the Blogs main page soon, and I'll give a holler when it's up. This week's challenge (for which Good King Bill of Walloworld can and will be blamed) is:
Write a post which incorporates all of the current top five Words or
Phrases for Impact on the English language (as cited by the Global Language Monitor): "wardrobe malfunction," "bootylicious," "extreme makeover," "Gigli," and "Give it Up!"
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: ROTFLMAO!
BAD POINTS: Contains offensively misogynistic terminology, which is
entirely inappropriate to publish during March, which is Women's
History Month, and… oh, wait… Bull is a woman. Nevermind. Free pass ;-)
SCORE: 10
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Good job of pointing out how fearsomely ignorant the MTV
generation is, in their own words. I'm glad * I * was never that stupid
[whistles innocently]
BAD POINTS: Could've used a couple sentences of introduction explaining
a little about what the MTV source page was all about, and your own
thoughts that inspired you to write the post. Also, there's an
uncensored f-bomb in the post – this is supposed to be a family
tournament. Drop all the nukes you want in the rest of your blog, but
keep the KotB items PG, please.
SCORE: 8
WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Nice themed post with colorful visual descriptions. I felt like I was there.
BAD POINTS: Boring legal briefs are the reason I dropped out of law
school. Thanks for re-opening THAT wound. Also, tragic dearth of
self-linkage.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: After reading this, my immediate reaction was to
internally argue with it, point by point, since I disagreed with his
conclusion. Yet I wasn't angry. This, to me, is the sign of a
well-presented argument. Nice job.
BAD POINTS: A link to Lochner v. New York would've been helpful for the
uninitiated, as would specific examples of "Robber Baron" perfidy.
Also, tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 8
PEPE DAY 2 DAY
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Good hillbilly-mocking theme, with bonus for creative
(mis)use of the required words. Way to stand out from the crowd.
"Bootylicious". Heh.
BAD POINTS: Although good in concept, in execution, it only worked moderately well. Wound up sounding a little too contrived.
SCORE: 8
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Well-constructed post. Great technique in the interweaving
of the story he's making reference to and the point he's trying to
make. Nice parallelism and closure in the last sentence.
BAD POINTS: For the record, I disagree with the premises upon which the
post is based, but I'm not taking anything off for that. However, a
link to the article being referred to would've been nice, and you could
have found it with minimal Googling. Think about your readers, please,
and link your sources.
SCORE: 8
BLOG SUPPLEMENT
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Has the moxy to explain to the King of the Blogs, in great
detail and humorosity, exactly why the challenge question sucks. No
kneeling for this subject! He goes to the guillotine with his head held
high.
BAD POINTS: Put exactly zero effort into his rip on "Give it up", thus besmirching an otherwise perfect post.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Quaint little slice of life with subtle humor, good sound
effects, and all necessary supporting linkage. Nice job, Wolfman.
BAD POINTS: None visible. (Although I was worried for a bit that he wasn't going to explain what "wassshump" was).
SCORE: 10
BELIEF SEEKING UNDERSTANDING
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Scores some good hits while contemplating the required
buzzwords. Bonus for coining the phrases "cusp of fuddydudditude" and
"fist malfunction".
BAD POINTS: Contemplated a bit too
much. The points made, while humorous, could've been briefer & more
pointed. While I understand the need to "warm up" when writing certain
difficult pieces, it's often a good idea to go back and tighten things
up once you're finished.
SCORE: 8
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Does a number of things right – cites relevant sources,
warns that it's a multi-part posting, indents quoted passages, and
all-around helps put the reader comfortably into context. Bonus for
going back to update the post with a link to next entry in the series.
BAD POINTS: Could have used an intro explaining the author's personal
motivation for writing the piece, and why it's relevant to readers who
aren't college professors. Internally, it works well, but a rather
abstract think piece like this needs more concrete grounding to start
it off.
SCORE: 8
A GIGGLE OF GALS
(Challenge - not posted, but e-mailed):
A Modern Day Faerie Tale:
Once upon a time, there was a chick who
went by the name of Gigli. She was quite happy that once she’d had an extreme
makeover, she knew she could then be considered bootylicious, if for no other
reason than she had a Gigli-butt.
She knew that if just the right guy
came up to her and said just the right thing, which was “Give it Up!” that she
would have a complete wardrobe malfunction just for him and they would become
engaged, maybe even do a movie together and live happily ever
after…maybe….
The End?
GOOD POINTS: It's the "quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" of
challenge responses. Probably the shortest coherent post that could be
made with the mandatory buzzwords.
BAD POINTS: Too contrived-sounding, and, even worse, not posted at the participant's blog. Don't you want linkage?
SCORE: 6
(Submitted 3-10 CTRL+F "researching")
GOOD POINTS: Briefly and gleefully points out one of the internet's major foibles.
BAD POINTS: Could've used more details. And supportive linkage. And working permalinks
SCORE: 5
posted by Harvey at 2:59:16 PM permalink HOME
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THIS WASN'T ON CNN... WHY?
A report from the Iraqi front at Mike the Marine's place includes this:
Three Marines this past week stood out in their
professionalism and humanity; while participating in a vehicle patrol
with an Army unit. The Patrol encountered an overturned truck in a
canal and due to the gathering crowd could not pass. When the
Marines learned an Iraqi man was trapped underwater in the truck they
dismounted the vehicle, Sergeant Lxxxx established a secure perimeter
while Sergeants Bxxxx and Wxxxx dropped their gear and entered the
canal pulling the driver out. While the driver could not be
resuscitated by an Iraqi doctor on the scene, the attitude of the crowd
was noticeably and favorably changed when the Marines emerged from the
water. Sergeants Lxxxx, Bxxxx, and Wxxxx demonstrated the very
definition of our ethos "No better friend, no worse enemy."
I'm just kind of curious why I have to read about this on a blog instead of hearing it on the news.
Of course, if NPR actually picked up the story, it'd probably go something like "US Marines drowned an Iraqi civilian today..."
posted by Harvey at 9:35:09 AM permalink HOME
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SUBMIT TO SUSIE
Susie of Practical Penumbra is hostessing the Best of Me Symphony, and she would like to have her box stuffed completely full...
of your best blog entries that are at least 2 months old. So help
satisfy the desires of a lovely lady by slipping your post to her
today. E-mail it to bestofme-at-jpeacock.net before 11pm CST Sunday.
posted by Harvey at 8:26:47 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, March 19, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
posted by Harvey at 10:36:45 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Maggie]
Does anyone else think Fox is going a little overboard with their efforts to promote "The Simpsons"?
posted by Harvey at 10:35:02 PM permalink HOME
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I SWEAR, THIS BOY HAS LEARNED NOTHING!
Jeff of BigStick.US has posted another boring picture of the French landscape and captioned it like crap.
This is a view from the Bastille, down onto the city... weee!
Stand aside, youngster, and allow me.
"A herd of brave shrubbery begin the perilous journey over the French
Alps, to Switzerland and freedom from the oppression of the Knights Who
Say "Oui!""
posted by Harvey at 10:12:12 PM permalink HOME
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A TALL SHIP AND A STAR TO STEER HER BY
There are some good things to be said for being in the Navy, as opposed
to other branches of the Armed Services. Like the Army and Marines,
you'll get to travel & see the world. Unlike
the Army and Marines, you get hot meals every day, a foam pad to sleep
on, and even regular showers. At least when the ship's distillation
plant is functioning, which it occasionally is.
The big downside to the Navy is that, should you meet your doom, it
will probably be a slow, miserable death in a cold ocean, by either
drowning or being eaten by sharks.
The smaller downside is that being on a Naval vessel is very much like being on a civilian cruise ship.
Now, some of you are probably thinking, "Hey! A cruise ship! That sounds like LOTS of fun!"
First, I'm going to whack you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper for having such a silly thought - *WHACK!*
Then I'm going to let Vanderleun of American Digest tell you the truth about cruise ship hell:
But should you have a taste for tedium, should boredom be like mother’s
milk and daily bread (lots of it) to you, you will be surfeited by this
otherwise antiquated mode of travel. Indeed, for sheer, mind
obliterating tedium, for the kind of vacancy induced only by event
horizons with no events and fewer horizons; for a feeling that arises
in no experience other than incarceration, there is nothing that can
beat the tedium induced by that modern masterpiece of torpor, stupor
and pointlessness, the Cruise Ship.
Click the link for the rest of the story, if you have the nerve.
posted by Harvey at 10:02:25 PM permalink HOME
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GOD I LOVE CAPTALISM
Heather of Angelweave is going to be riding in the Tour de Cure in 3
months to help raise money for the American Diabetes Association and she's asking for contributions.
But she gives you *ahem* a little something in return.
Bring the kleenex...
for mopping the sweat off your brow, because this pic is hot!
Now, the Tour de Cure web site's minimum "suggested" donation is $25.
That's just nuts. I've got to make a car payment this month, not to
mention the fact that I still need to rent that Tijuana hooker for our
upcoming threesome. So I threw a lot less than that in Heather's
kettle.
My point is this: if you can spare the quarter C-note or better, please
do. But if all you have is pocket change, don't be embarrassed to throw
that in. It all adds up.
posted by Harvey at 9:48:34 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, March 18, 2004
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EVIL GLENNS ST PATRICKS DAY
(A FILTHY LIE)
The best way to celebrate America's drinkin'est national holiday is by
spending the evening at the drinkin'est dive in cyberspace, which, of
course, is Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. The Bartender was still trying to clean up the mess from the comment party,
while the revelers were still feverishly breaking things and de-felting
the pool tables, thus leaving it an open question as to whether repair
or destruction would win out.
As I walked in, Matty O'Blackfive (looking resplendent in his "Kiss me, I'm a tater-tot" T-shirt), was just settling in next to Mike the Marine, who was sporting a green plastic bowler, and had apparently just arrived, himself...
Mike: 'Bout time you lazy turds got here.
Harv: You be nice, Jarhead, or I'll make some calls to my Navy buds
& fix it so you'll have to WALK to your next overseas deployment.
Mike: At least we'd get there faster that way. Those f'd up Navy
garbage scows are slower than a doped-up hippie tryin' to choose an ice
cream flavor at Baskin Robbins.
Harv: Yeah, well, if you weighed 90,000 tons, you wouldn't move very fast, either.
Mike: Funny, your wife seems to get around pretty good.
Matty: Uh... Mike... [pointing over Mike's shoulder with a worried look on his face]
Beloved Wife [standing behind Mike, one eyebrow raised, flexing one steely bicep]: *ahem*
Mike: Uh... heh... I was just... uh... joking, and... um... well, I... please don't hurt me...
Beloved Wife: Hmph! [walks away triumphantly]
Matty: Damn, Harv. You've been married to her almost five years and yet
you've always avoided being snapped in half like a twig. How'd you
manage to keep your spine intact so long?
Harv: A simple three-part formula: Love notes...
Matty & Mike: mmm...
Harv: ...Kevlar...
Matty & Mike: Ahhhh....
Harv: ...and licking the alphabet.
Matty & Mike [hastily scribbling on napkins]: Heyyyyy....
Mike: That near-death-experience has made me thirsty. I'm going up to the bar for a beer.
Matty [smirking knowingly]: Just a plain old BEER? On this, the most sacred drinking night of 2004?
Mike: Oh, not just any beer. The darkest, Irishest, most precioussssss beer of them all...
Harv: Budweiser?
Matty: [WHACK!] Blasphemer!
Harv: OW! What? Michelob?
Mike: Matty, kill him slowly
Matty: Right.
Harv: Geez, put down the pig-sticker, Matty! Guinness! Guinness!
Matty: Hey look! Harv just figured out how to keep from acquiring a third nostril!
Mike: Brilliant!
Matty: Brilliant!
Harv: Who you two morons stop quoting that stupid commercial? And get me one while you're
up there.
Matty: 6 for me please.
Mike: Gee, Matty, I thought you'd be drinking a little heavier on St. Patty's day [shrugs, walks to the bar]
Harv: Really, Matt. Only 6? I figured you'd be doing 12's for the holiday...
Matty: Later. Right now I need one hand free to count off the reasons
that John Kerry's a f'n asshat. One... changes his mind more often than
Michael Moore at a Burger King. Two... Talks to more imaginary foreign
potentates than Mr. Rogers in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. Three…
We we interrupted by the crash of breaking glass and a scream of violated outrage coming from the direction of the bar...
Mike: What the f*** is this shit? I ordered a f****** Guinness!
Bartender: Piss off, ya dumb ass shave-tail! That WAS a Guinness!
Mike: Ah BULLSHIT! Looked like water ta me, ya swindling bastard!
Harv [approaching the bar]: Right! What's all this then?
Mike: That 2-bit hooch-slinger tried to pass off a glass of Canada Dry as Guinness. Get me a rope. This bastard's gonna die...
Bartender: You can take that rope & shove it up yer mudhole! I told you I gave you a Guinness!
Harv: Barkeep... far be it from me to ever take up the cause of a man
foolish enough to join a branch of the Armed Services that has to hitch
a ride with the Navy any time they want to kill foreigners...
Mike: Hey!
Harv: Quiet, Mike, I'm stickin' up for ya... anyway, Barkeep, the man
has a point. Guinness ain't exactly a 10 on the transparency scale.
Bartender: Maybe not the OLD Guinness, but this is new
Guinness Clear. Only one-third the carbs, with no extra additives, like
flavor or alcohol. Plus, Currency Freak, it's as see-thru as your
wife's blouse when she's out turning tricks.
Beloved Wife [flexing]: I HEARD THAT!
Bartender: Uh... I said "when you're beating Harv with sticks."
Beloved Wife [smiling]: Heh. Yeah. He likes that...
Bartender: PHEW!... Anyway, it's all I've got to drink in this joint, so deal with it!
Matty [running up to the bar in a panic]: Guys! The TV!
CNN Announcer: ... And repeating our top story... the streets of
America are filled with hordes of distraught Irishmen, who find
themselves tragically sober on the one night of the year when they're
not considered social pariahs for being pugilistic drunkards. Somehow,
someone has replaced the nation's entire supply of Guinness with a
watery, flavorless beverage that may or may not be Miller Light. I
haven't seen this sort of chaos since the frozen beer riots of a few
months ago. Even as we speak, you can see distraught crowds of
potato-chomping shillelagh-swingers milling about in anguish, searching
desperately for something to replace the precious alcohol that gives
meaning to their otherwise empty lives...
Matty: Oh crap. See that helicopter in the background with EGI on the side?
Mike: Evil Glenn Industries? Oh God. Not again...
Harv: Buck up, boys, there's no time to lose. We have to save Saint Patty's Day from Evil Glenn's... uh... evil...
Matty: Lose your inner thesaurus, there, Harv?
Harv: Oh shut up! There's no time to waste bitching about my vocabulary...
Matty, Harv & Mike: TO THE DRUNKMOBILE!
In a flash, we drove up to the dark and brooding compound wherein lurked the ev... uh... really naughty Glenn Reynolds...
Matty: Ok, Harvey, what's the plan?
Harv: We just go in, and ask Glenn politely to please, in the spirit of
international cooperation, return the nation's supply of real Guinness
and not do mean things to the poor, besotted Irish anymore. And to
pretty please be nice from now on.
Matty: I said "Harvey", not "Kerry"!
Harv: Oh. Sorry. Go in, kick Glenn's ass, and rescue the Guinness with extreme prejudice.
Mike: OOOO! Me likey!
So, in we went, with Mike screaming OOO-RAH!, Matty persistantly
jumping off random pieces of furniture yelling, "Look! I'm a
paratrooper!" and me shouting the occasional "Brilliant!" just to keep
them interested in the mission.
Soon we arrived at the inner sanctum and burst through the door to find...
Evil Glenn sitting calmly in his chair, staring expectantly at the door...
Matty: Give us...
Mike: Guinness...
Harv: Or die...
Evil Glenn: Of course. As you can see, I've already poured 4 glasses of that delectable stout. I've been expecting you.
Matty: Uh...
Mike: Er...
Harv: Wha?...
Evil Glenn: Even though there are tremendous benefits to being the
omnipotent Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, it's very lonely at the
top. On this, the dinkin'est night of the year, I just wanted some
company, so I devised a scheme to get the three of you to join me for a
drink.
Mike: So there's no Guinness Clear?
Evil Glenn: Pfffft! NO! I bribed the Bartender to mess with your heads. That watered down crap was just plain old Busch Light.
Matty: Wait a minute... what about the CNN news report?
Evil Glenn: Let's just say there are certain... secrets... that Ted Turner didn't want revealed... [dropping several candid snapshots on the table]
Harv: Wow! I had no idea Ted was that... flexible...
Mike: He looks rather pretty in that pink leather catsuit...[noticing stares from Matt & Harv]...uh... I mean for a guy... uh... Nevermind. Look, what about the hordes or belligerent, destructive Irishmen?
Evil Glenn: Heh. They weren't really Irish. I just told the League of Liberals
that Halliburton was invading Venezuela. Those idiots were out tearing
up the streets in five seconds flat. But enough about me. Let's get
drunk.
Harv: We can't drink with you! You're a puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan worshipper!
Evil Glenn: It's Guinness.
Matty: Good point
Mike: Can't see any holes in THAT argument.
Harv: But he's EVIL!
Matty: So's being sober on St. Patrick's Day
Mike: Or ever.
Harv: Wellllllll... my inner sailor is a bit parched...
Evil Glenn: Besides, I'm sure we'll tangle again soon enough. Earth Day's just around the corner... So anyway, I'm thinking of adding a fourth word to my blogging repertoire. What do you guys think of "nifty"?
Matty: Kinda gay. How about "swell"
Mike: Nah, too Beaver Cleaver. Go with "groovy"
Harv: That is SOOOOO Brady Bunch. I'm thinkin' "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". Just watch out for those Disney lawsuits…
So we chatted & drank into the night, and come the dawn, went our
separate ways with no backstabbing truce violations as one might expect
from one as depraved as Evil Glenn. We will, no doubt meet again as
enemies, but for a single night, there was a brief, alcohol-fueled
truce in the Great Blog War. A night without tricks or treachery.
Well… except for the fact that I stole Glenn's wallet…
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:53:28 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
As perfume doth remain
In the folds where it hath lain,
So the thought of you, remaining
Deeply folded in my brain,
Will not leave me.
All things leave me.
You remain.
posted by Harvey at 7:05:34 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
John Kerry explains his position on Iraq.
posted by Harvey at 7:02:56 PM permalink HOME
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GRAUMAGUS WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME
You've probably seen the Politopia quiz hither & yon. I'm not posting my results because I couldn't land northwest of Ayn Rand. Damn thing's RIGGED, I tells ya!
Anyway, Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks, never content to play nice, spiced up his Politopia map a bit.
I laughed.
I'm kinda twisted that way.
posted by Harvey at 6:29:22 PM permalink HOME
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DRUNKEN WOMEN - GOD'S GIFT TO SOBER MEN
I love it when hot chicks get drunk and blog. Why? Because they start putting out...
great posts like LeeAnn's, which starts:
1. Appletinis are not only good, they are damn good and take three tries to spell properly.
2. I was gone all day, did you miss me?
3. The correct recipe is 1
appletini equals 2 ounces green apple schnapps, 2 ounces Grey Goose
vodka, shake a lot and drink many.
4. I follow recipes to the LETTER, Jack. I'm just sayin'.
5. I went to the GM1's pre-retirement seminar (day 3) today.
6. Listening to the VA rep was like llisteining to paint dry.
7. No, three appletinis is not enough. Go make more.
or like Susie's which says, in part:
There's actually more to that
story, but the room is slightly akilter. Oddly, I seem to be a better
typist than when I am sober. Or do I just think I am? This is why I do
not drink very often--because when one is blotto, one loses one's sense
of proportion. And frequently items of apparel.
Now click those links and go take advantage of these women...
's great slices of humor.
posted by Harvey at 6:26:46 PM permalink HOME
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FRESH AT ALLIANCE HQ
Forgive the crappy linkage, I'm late for work:
PGH Round-up, new assignment, Filthy lie reminders, upcoming round-ups elswhere, Beer Madness (hurry, only 3 hours left):
Group ID: 7156
password: frankj
Go look. It's all there.
posted by Harvey at 7:47:44 AM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Chosen by your heart, living your every breath, and joining with your soul - that was my only wish.
posted by Harvey at 11:59:51 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Q tip]
George really didn't mind having to wear the powdered wig all the time, but that nickname was really starting to get on his nerves.
posted by Harvey at 11:57:59 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES
Up & running at Patterico's Pontifications.
Gem of the week is hiding WAY at the bottom, where you can find Les
Jones turning an otherwise crappy, forgettable, blurry, lo-res picture
into a work of art
(several, actually) through the magic of Photoshop filters. I like the
Polar Coordinates one best. Makes it look like a reflection in a chrome
hubcap. Cool.
posted by Harvey at 11:48:06 PM permalink HOME
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WHY CAN'T MY WIFE ORDER OUT OF THIS CATALOG INSTEAD OF LTD?
Heather's got links to some interesting catalogs, my favorite, of course, being Fierce Diva.
Now THERE are some pictures to warm a man's heart...
There's also catalogs for cheese & dragons & lonely Philippino women, but I'm a little too busy to look at those right now.
posted by Harvey at 11:41:20 PM permalink HOME
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FRANCES SECRET REASONS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Why wouldn't the French help out in Iraq? Lots of reasons:
* The men of France had a list of vital chores to complete
* As did the women
* It's not easy finding a Girl Scout troop to surrender to during the busy cookie-selling season.
* They were having trouble finding just the right jaunty angle to wear their berets.
* Iraq didn't have enough stinky cheese to make the trip worth their while, but they did generously offer to invade Wisconsin.
* They were afraid of getting their asses handed to them by the Iraqi boys soccer team.
* Their tanks only run in reverse, so they couldn't help with the going
in part. But if we need help with the pulling out part...
* Desert camo colors clash with those tacky Where's Waldo shirts they
all wear, and a fashion faux pas of that magnitude is considered a war
crime.
* Haven't yet perfected the bullet-proof beret.
* The nation's ammo supply was already earmarked for cheese hunting season
* They couldn't find an Iraqi phrase for "I am a surrender monkey"
* Too busy laundering the oil-for-food money
* Couldn't get permission from their mommies.
* Troop movement logistics were problematic. Seems the collective stench from 200 French troops inevitably melts aircraft hulls.
* Claimed there was no way to keep their frog supply fed in the "no fly zones"
* Due to a nation-wide pig shortage, the French Army was too busy rooting for truffles.
* Couldn't invade until they figured out which wine goes with falafel.
* The French constitution forbids the slaughtering of native populations outside the African continent.
* Not enough benzene in Iraqi bottled water.
* They're still bitter about Al Franken beating Jerry Lewis in the last round of Iraqi Idol.
Oh, and they're a bunch of spineless, yellow-bellied cowards.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:52:58 AM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the
dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of
that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I
may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection
that loved one who has so long shared its undivided devotion.
posted by Harvey at 11:45:17 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[peach schnapps, tequila & pineapple juice]
After months of begging, I finally got the Bartender from Madfish
Willie's Cyber Saloon to give me the recipe for a "Panty Peeler"
I'm going over to the comment party to try this out...
posted by Harvey at 11:37:55 PM permalink HOME
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HOW TO SEND UNSOLICITED E-MAIL (SERIOUSLY)
Jon Froehlich sent me an e-mail via my blog's contact address, and
asked me for a favor. I've never met the guy, never heard of him
before, and he's never done me any favors or sent me money.
But I helped him out.
Why?
It's all in the approach. Let's look at what he sent:
(First off, I do not want to
bother you. If you’re busy, please disregard the rest of this e-mail;
if you're not, please read on)
The very first thing he does is he acknowledges that sending unsolicted
e-mail is a breach of netiquette, and that I have every right to delete
his e-mail without even reading the whole thing. A refreshing change of
pace from the usual "READ THIS NOW!" crap.
And check this out:
To: harvey_olson@yahoo.com
CC: jfroehli@ics.uci.edu
From: jfroehli@ics.uci.edu
Subject: Radio UserLand: Mail from Jon Froehlich
A real name and a real e-mail address instead of "survey4U@xrochwrsw.net" or some such mulletwash
Next - how he found me:
I came across your page via blogwise.com (sort of pseudo-randomly).
Notice there's no feeble, generic compliments like you get with those
"let's trade links" spammers. Jon admits he doesn't know me, doesn't
read my junk, and doesn't even know my name. Basically, he gives me no
reason to feel good about him at all. Except that he's obviously
honest. Which I like.
Now that he's impressed me by not trying to impress me, he tells me who he is and what he wants:
I am a graduate student at the
University of California, Irvine conducting a research survey on
blogging. I would really appreciate it if you'd fill out the survey
(the more data we get, the more accurate our results). It will take
between 5-10 minutes.
The link: http://drzaius.ics.uci.edu/blogsurvey/
If you find the survey
interesting, please pass this link on to your “blogging friends” and,
of course, posting a link from your blog would be even better!
Short, straightforward, with a minimum of bullshit (although the survey
page says "15 minutes" instead of 5-10 min. To Jon's credit, though,
his estimate isn't unreasonable. The questions are all multiple choice,
and the actual time required to answer is a function of how long you
care to ponder over getting things juuuuuust right).
But here's the best part. After showing the effrontery of asking a
complete stranger to do him a favor for noreason, he APOLOGIZES:
I'm sorry for this random e-mail; I hope you did not find it intrusive.
I like the way he acknowledges his technically somewhat rude behavior
and makes verbal amends, instead of just ignoring it. Good form, John.
Best regards,
j
He loses a few points for signing j instead of Jon, but it's not fatal.
So I took his survey. It was actually enjoyable. Made me think a bit
about why I blog & who I blog with, and to, and for. I recommend
taking the survey yourself.
And if you need a favor, remember to apply these lessons whilst composing your request.
posted by Harvey at 8:29:39 PM permalink HOME
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I'LL BET THE SON OF A BITCH KICKS PUPPIES FOR FUN, TOO
The stories out about how, at some Town Hallish meet & greet, Kerry
got an earful from a grouchy audience member who wanted to know who
those unnamed "world leaders" are who were endorsing the
Democrat-select.
What the news outlets don't seem to mention in their stories is Kerry's verbal cattle-prodding of this poor guy at the end.
Teresa of Technicalities alludes to Rush Limbaugh's beautiful
montage excerpting some of the highlights from the 7+ minute heated
exchange:
One part of the interchange between Cedric Brown and John Kerry, that I
hadn't heard about yet, was Kerry's badgering Brown about who he voted
for in the last election! Rush was playing the tape - Kerry says "Are
you a registered Republican?" and later he asks "Did you vote for
George Bush in the last election?" Both of these questions would be
enough to get a Republican candidate pilloried in the mainstream press.
Via NRO's the Corner, I found a link to the Limbaugh transcript. It's even worse than Teresa makes it sound. Kerry's like a freakin' pit bull:
Are
you a registered Republican? Are you a Republican? You answer the
question. That's not an answer. Did you vote for George Bush? Did you
vote for George Bush? Thank you.
Which brings us back to Teresa's point:
How can a Presidential candidate stand up in front of a crowd, not like
the question being asked, and proceed to ask a citizen HOW they voted?
Isn't this a country that uses a secret ballot? Do you have to tell
people who you voted for last election in order to voice a question to
a candidate? Does this outrage anyone else as much as it does me? It's
just that I've never heard a candidate from any side ask a "heckler"
how they voted in the last election. It's rather amazing that Kerry
could lose his cool to that extent!
I'm gonna be ahead of the curve for a change, and just go ahead and declare this Kerry's "YEEEAAARRRRGGH!"
posted by Harvey at 8:12:36 PM permalink HOME
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I WON'T STOP YOU BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE
The great thing about Physics Geek is that he's a regular one-man
Carnival of the Vanities when it comes to his linky-love posts. All the
goodies fit to print.
Naturally, I'm only saying this because he dropped my name in this edition.
But aside from that, I really liked the joke at the top of this post. I never saw the punch line coming.
posted by Harvey at 7:54:29 PM permalink HOME
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QUICK! BEFORE THE RIAA BREAKS HIS KNEECAPS!
Eric of Straight White Guy put up links to about a dozen or so good tunes
at his place. Some Sinatra, some Zevon, some Thorogood, bunch of other
stuff... just go take a look & grab what you can before he gets his
bandwidth bill, smartens up, & kills the links.
[singing] "I'm very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins, I keep a busy schedule, trying to fit them in..."
posted by Harvey at 7:53:03 PM permalink HOME
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WISH I'D HAVE SAID THAT
hM of homicidal Maniak puts appeasement into perspective:
I started to think about all the
people that have ever lived in the world, convinced that by laying down
their arms and declaring to the world that they are unarmed and
unwilling to fight they will bring peace to the world. And it got me to
thinking just how many of those people died because of their stupidity.
You may think me harsh for calling
them stupid. After all, they believed in the goodness of mankind and
that can't be a bad thing. The thing they and their peacenik decendants
fail to realize, however, is that there really are people in the world
who consider love, compassion, friendship, and all that other related
stuff to be weak. They don't want friends, they don't care if you love
them, and their idea of compassion is putting you out of your misery
after they've extracted all the information they can from you in ways
the Geneva Conventions deems illegal. In all truth, idealism is
stupidity on steroids.
I just adore that last sentence.
posted by Harvey at 7:27:49 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT'S SHPXURNQ?
Bartender's been leaving mysterious comments, but after some heavy Google digging, the answer is clear.
Meow, Bartender.
posted by Harvey at 7:11:02 PM permalink HOME
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THE IRRESISTABLE LINK
As a man, I physically could not prevent myself from clicking on a link that told me there was a picture of a "thong-wearing angel" on the other end.
In other news, the hot chick from Blown Fuse is discussing what various people call her besides Tiffany
- old nicknames & such. I'm wondering how she likes being referred
to as "the hot chick from Blown Fuse"? Would THAT go on the "good
nicknames" list?
posted by Harvey at 7:03:02 AM permalink HOME
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Monday, March 15, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Your love was worth waiting for, now I am complete.
posted by Harvey at 10:51:14 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Herb - Keep this 4-EVER! myg]
myg - Screw U! I need a beer! - Herb
posted by Harvey at 10:49:40 PM permalink HOME
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BEER MADNESS!
Physics Geek has posted the official announcement of the start of Beer
Madness up at Alliance HQ, with instructions on how to submit your
March Madness picks in order to have a chance to win some of his
super-yummy home-brewed beer. Folks, I've had some of his ambrosial
libation, and this stuff is worth breaking your mother's kneecaps for
(sorry, mom, it needed to be said).
Click here to be told where else to click and what to do.
Best hurry, since the deadline is Thursday.
posted by Harvey at 9:53:38 PM permalink HOME
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BEST BEST OF ME EVER
Gary of The Owner's Manual hosts the Best of Me Symphony,
and has the most delightful Hollywood Squares theme going, including
some priceless quotes from the show between entries. I have NO idea
where he dug these up, but even if you don't read a single entry, you
have to go just to read goodies like:
The
question: Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
While I was there, I discovered that Let It Bleed posted a hilarious (if completely fictional) interview with Michael Moore. I can just imagine that bloated sack of crap sweating like a pregnant sow over pointed questions such as:
LIB: [...] you claim to speak for the
downtrodden and powerless against the powerful, while all the while
inveighing against wealth and privilege, yet you’re a multimillionaire
who lives in one of the most expensive neighbourhoods in America, you
are routinely chauffeured around in SUVs and send your daughter to an
elite private school. How do you reconcile those seeming discrepancies?
Just delicious. Go get the rest of it.
posted by Harvey at 9:46:22 PM permalink HOME
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A POEM
I first read The Hobbit when I was 10, and one of my favorite chapters
was "Riddles in the Dark". One of Gollum's riddles to Bilbo went thusly;
This thing all things devours
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers
Gnaws iron, bites steel,
Grinds hard stones to meal,
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountains down!
That one stumped me, and I would've been a hapless little meat snack at that point, but Bilbo lucked out.
Over at We Swear, _Jon has posted an excellent little poem
which reminds me of a Hobbity riddle. Go take a peek & see if you
can guess what he's poeming about before you get to the last line.
posted by Harvey at 9:35:13 PM permalink HOME
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SOAP CLOWNS BURNT = PRISON ART
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks whips out the first installment of "I feel lucky",
wherein he puts 3 random words into Google, hits the "I'm feeling
lucky" button & lets you know what pops up. It's almost as
surprising as John Kerry's position on any given issue. Let's see what
he pulled out of the hat:
They can't all be winners. USDA web site? *YAWN*
Prison art? Hmmm... maybe Lynn should weigh in on this.
What's that other one? Chapel Furnace? Now here's something interesting. A blog of sorts, and it doesn't take long to find a winner here. The author links to an 1895 8th grade graduation test. Yeah, standards have fallen a bit. How many cubic feet in a bushel? How many square rods in an acre?
Crap. Looks like I'm getting held back...
Anyway, Graumagus could use some more word lists,
so if you'd like to help out, it's actually pretty easy. Just grab a
newspaper & start selecting words. Your list will fill up in no
time.
posted by Harvey at 9:20:24 PM permalink HOME
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THIS, TOO, SERVED IN VIETNAM
I spent 4 years attached to an aircraft carrier while I was in the
Navy, and I can say without exaggeration that these things are the most
amazing specimens of mechanical engineering ever to be created by the
hand of man. 1000 feet long, 200 feet high, and still able to top 35
mph, which is hard to believe as you stand pierside, gazing up at this
90,000 TON haze-grey steel behemoth.
The USS Midway, which, unlike John Kerry, served with HONOR in Vietnam
and expressed NO regrets afterwards, will soon be opening as a museum
in San Diego. They're trying to raise some money, and I'll just steal
the explanation from Mike the Marine:
The USS Midway (CVA-41) is now berthed at the Navy Pier
at the foot of Broadway in downtown San Diego and is in the process of
being converted into "The San Diego Aircraft Carrier Museum" (SDACM).
The opening date is targeted for the first week of June, 2004 to
coincide with the anniversary of the Battle of Midway.
....
Midway fighters accounted for both the FIRST and the LAST air combat victories of the Vietnam War!
Therefore,
the drive is underway to raise the required $40,000 necessary to
authentically paint and prepare for display aboard Midway, an F-4
Phantom II in the colors and markings of The Freelancers of Fighter
Squadron Twenty-One (VF-21) and The Chargers of Fighter Squadron One
Six One (VF-161). The names of the "first & last" aviators listed
above, will be placed on the canopy rails in the traditional manner.
The names of all Midway Mig killers will be placed on the intake ramp
of the aircraft.
Because this aircraft represents the Beginning
through the End of air-to-air combat in Vietnam, it symbolically
commemorates the combat operations conducted by all Navy Phantom
squadrons, and salutes the courage and dedication of all Navy Phantom
flyers and Phantom fixers of the Vietnam War.
I checked out the official website www.MidwayPhantom.com and they ask for donations and/or that word of this project be spread. So I'm doing both.
Please feel free to help out in either capacity as you see fit.
posted by Harvey at 9:01:26 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, March 14, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see
eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and
delighting their friends.
posted by Harvey at 11:11:26 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
In the Hollywood left's never-ending quest to smear Republicans, the
new bio-pic "Lincoln" will portray the 16th President as a drug-abusing
Satan-worshipper, and will star Paul Stanley.
posted by Harvey at 11:08:45 PM permalink HOME
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SUSIE IS SIMPLY THE BEST
Why? Not only is she continuing her series on behind-the-scenes theater activities, she also has her magnificent pair of cans out on display for all to see.
This is probably just a personal kink, but I really like the way she strategically placed those white stickers so you can't quite see everything.
Next up - the "ice machine", which is, as we all know, a storage space that makes things hard.
posted by Harvey at 7:31:28 PM permalink HOME
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THAT'S WHERE?
Apparently Jeff of BigStick.US is making stuff up in his caption to this picture of Mount Neron in France, since Googling for Mount Neron turns up bupkis. Therefore, it's my turn to make up a caption for this picture.
Just as France is often referred to as "the place that God stood when
he made the world", Mount Neron is known as "the dump God took
afterwards, but forgot to flush".
posted by Harvey at 7:21:04 PM permalink HOME
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MORE PICTURES FROM THE COMMENT PARTY
I'm pretty sure the chick in the bikini doing the horizontal lap dance is Goldie.
Not sure about the guy. No beard, so it's not me. Hair's not red, so it's not Eric. Too much obvious excitement, so it's not Trey. Only a small beer gut, so it's not Matty...
Hmmm... I'll go with Jeff because of the premature ejaculation. Kids these days. No self control.
By the way, Bartender, just because you've gone & put up some lame, half-assed baseball post, doesn't mean the party's over yet. Like they say, it's not over until the ladies write the party motto... and even after that, it'll probably just pick up speed.
posted by Harvey at 7:05:16 PM permalink HOME
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THE BLOGGING NEKKID SONG
Beth of She Who Will Be Obeyed, wrote verse #1 of the Blogging Nekkid Song:
I always blog nekkid on Sunday,
'Cause by then, I'm out of clean clothes,
I always blog nekkid on Sunday,
from my head to the tips of my toes.
She's still trying to work out the actual tune to sing it to, but Eric of Straight White Guy is working on it. Until it's completed, you can just sing it to the tune of "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean".
She also wrote a second verse.
Although it's perfectly fine, I was nevertheless inspired by her first
verse to go with the "days of the week" theme, and present my effort
thusly:
BLOGGING NEKKID SONG
I always blog nekkid on Monday
That's how my work week always starts
I always blog nekkid on Monday
I type and I play with my parts
I always blog nekkid on Tuesday
The Bonfire on screen brightly glows
I always blog nekkid on Tuesday
It's so hot that I don't need clothes
I always blog nekkid on Wedneday
I write things about sex and sin
I always blog nekkid on Wednesday
I sure hope my kids don't walk in
I always blog nekkid on Thursday
On Survivor I watch nekkid Hatch
I always blog nekkid on Thursday
I wish they had matching bare snatch
I always blog nekkid on Friday
The weekend is here Hip Hooray!
I always blog nekkid on Friday
How I touch myself I won't say.
I always blog nekkid on Saturday
I'll share my bare body with you
I always blog nekkid on Saturday
I've turned on my web-cam, WHOO-HOO!
No applause, please. Just throw panties.
posted by Harvey at 6:33:35 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, March 12, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I know the freedom that comes from sharing my heart with someone that
I can confide in openly and trust completely.
I know the delight that comes from sharing moments with someone
Whose presence can turn ordinary experiences into extraordinary joys.
I know the overflowing blessings that come through a common bond of faith
That is found in the rich soil of our all-embracing love.
I know all of these wonderful things, and so much more...
All because of you.
posted by Harvey at 10:27:39 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Even a Wal-Mart cashier isn't stupid enough to be fooled by one of these. However, I've had pretty good luck buying PeTA T-shirts with them.
(hat tip to LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone for pointing me to this pic)
posted by Harvey at 10:04:12 PM permalink HOME
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EVIL GLENNS EVIL GUIDE TO EVIL TIME MANAGEMENT
(A FILTHY LIE)
Hi folks. Evil Glenn here.
I've hijacked the Currency Freak's blog in an effort to test out my new
blog-hijacking software. If you're reading this, then the test has been
successful and you're all doomed! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
But to show that life under the crushing dominion of my virtual
bootheel won't be ALL bad, I'm going to give you some time management
tips. These handy hints are a condensation of years of experience and
have allowed me to reach the pinnacle of Ecospheric success to which all bloggers aspire, but which none of you will ever reach, since I will soon crush you like empty pop cans!
Like most people, I used to let idle moments go to waste. If I had a spare 15 minutes, I'd sit around pleasuring myself to penguin porn
instead of using them productively. But if you put these little tricks
into practice, soon you'll have the blogosphere by the throat, just
like me!
Except that I'll kill you before you become a threat to my evil powers.
Yes, thanks to these time-saving techniques, I can cram an entire day's worth of evil into a mere 15 minutes. Just do what I do:
When blending puppies,
always use the "liquefy" setting. Sure, you miss out on the agonized
yipping that "chop" delivers, but sometimes quantity is more important
than quality
Now you've got that yummy glass of warm sticky puppy goo in hand, but
who has time for endless repititions of sip-swallow-belch? Not me,
that's for sure! That's why I've had a 4-inch diameter PVC pipe
surgically installed in my chest leading directly to my stomach. Just
pour in the puppy and you're instantaneously bursting with energy!
All those Satanic prayers don't need to eat up your schedule anymore. Forget all that "chant, chant, light a candle, chant, chant, draw a pentagram, chant, chant, disembowel a virgin, chant, chant" garbage. Just remember - Instant Messaging is your friend. They don't call it AOHell for nothing. 9.0 is your direct line to the Prince of Darkness. Don't hesitate to use it. Come on, baby, don't fear the reaper.
Can't find a hobo to murder?
That cookie-pimping girl scout who won't stop leaning on your doorbell
screams just as satisfyingly when you slip the blade between her ribs.
Even if you type 80 wpm, those long commie-praising screeds can be quite a chore. You can show your love of collectivist oppression more efficiently by joining the League of Liberals. Being on their blogroll is every bit as good as a hearty "Yay Mao!"
No matter how fleet of foot you are, a Robot Dance
can waste more time than an NFL instant replay review. Screw that. One
cycle of The Macarena gives you just as much sinister shimmy in 15
seconds.
Punching Frank J.
sometimes seems like it takes an eternity. But it's worth it. Don't
skimp on the all-important pummeling of bony little girly-armed
humor-bloggers.
Now, I know what you're going to ask next. "Glenn, I love your time-saving ideas, but what about the penguin porn?"
Ah, yes, I know what you mean. I, too, love to savor that slo-mo,
frame-by-frame, avian money shot. But with all the foul deeds that need
perpetrating, I just don't have time to sit naked in front of the 72"
projection screen HDTV with a box of Kleenex & a bottle of Jergens.
I've always hated having to choose between the twin joys of self-pleasuring and brutally torturing innocents, but I've finally found a solution. With Eyetop brand Video Glasses
and a portable DVD player, you can have one hand free to punch, stab,
blend, or dance, and still be able to *ahem* "take care of business"
with the other. It's win-win!
And there you have it. The Evil Glenn Patented 15-minute Workout
O'Evil. Practice it daily, and soon the blogosphere will be yours to
command!
Except that I'll have to kill you if you ever make the mistake of saying:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:24:29 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, March 11, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Let there be such oneness between us,
that when one cries, the other tastes salt.
posted by Harvey at 10:37:32 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #77
Is up at Aaron's Rantblog. Nice Emerson, Lake & Palmer theme.
Somewhere in there I found this silly bit called "Why Men Die First", which begins:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
I poked around Wicked Thoughts
a bit, and - on the off chance Bussorah checks Technorati & follows
the link back here - I want to make 2 suggestions to improve this
intriguing blog:
First, make an "About Me" post and link it in your sidebar. If for no
other reason than "Bussorah" isn't really gender specific (at least not
here in the States), and I don't know which pronoun to use.
Second, go to Haloscan and get comments enabled. I wanted to leave a couple friendly LOL's, but there was no place to put them.
Other than that - nice place ya got there.
posted by Harvey at 8:19:42 PM permalink HOME
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2015 PART 10
Now showing at BigStick.US. Seems the French are thinking about doing something besides talking.
Scary.
posted by Harvey at 7:50:24 PM permalink HOME
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SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN, LEON IS LAUGHING AND LAUGHING...
Abu Abbas, murderer of innocents, is dead.
Thanks to J of Quibbles & Bits, he's also in hell.
Satisfying :-)
posted by Harvey at 7:26:25 PM permalink HOME
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PRACTICAL, YET FUN
Via one of my blogless old high school buddies, I've been pointed out to the handy little tool, the Acronym Finder.
Not sure what ROTFLMAO means? Punch it in & find the answer. It's
got a lot more than just internet related abbreviations, too. What's
MDMA? Maybe it's Ecstasy, maybe it's the Midwest Donkey and Mule
Association. That part you'll have to figure out for yourself.
But where's the fun? Ah... one
of my other blogless old high school buddies put his initials into this
baby and came up with a whole list of interesting items.
My list wasn't that great, but I thought this one was cool:
HMO - Hermosillo, Sonora, Mexico - General Ignacio Pesqueira Garcia (Airport Code)
Some people have better luck. For example, I couldn't help noticing that Heather of Angelweave comes up as, among other things, Hot Little Number.
I could've told you that!
posted by Harvey at 7:23:16 PM permalink HOME
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THAT'S MY BOY
So, you want to join the comment party at Madfish Willie's, but you're a little shy, and your not sure who's who.
_Jon aka HySpeed, has created a scorecard, complete with names, number of comments, the action most typically taken by the partier, and a sample comment.
It's in no particular order that I can discern, but here are some sample comments:
And remember *hic* the party isn't over till the fat girl
cries...
Goldie... let's go over here in the broom closet...
Tiffany, you can stop messing with the Bartender's
blender... Tiffany?... TIFFANY!
Find some fresh Reddi-Wip and you'll make me forget the
firemen....
Wait, we're supposed to be wearing clothes? Aww, hell. :(
Now where did I put that riding crop o' nine-tails?
Oh bewitching elixer how I love thee! Yay, booze.
Don't be a party pooper, join in the fun today. Seats are still available.
Although they're a little damp...
posted by Harvey at 7:10:55 PM permalink HOME
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DAMN YOU GLENN REYNOLDS!
Ya know, it's one thing to be a disgusting freak who puts puppies in blenders, but this... THIS...
All I'm saying is that there are certain lines that should never be crossed, and this is WAYYYYY on the wrong side of one of them.
(hat tip to Little Tiny Lies for pointing out the pic)
posted by Harvey at 7:01:35 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
To me, fair friend, you never can be old
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still.
posted by Harvey at 11:53:56 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[PLEASE REMIT]
Despondent over Kermit the Frog's unassailable disinterest, Miss Piggy
finally gave up hope and began dropping hints to his less famous little
brother.
posted by Harvey at 11:49:21 PM permalink HOME
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ALL ABOUT THE OIL
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Jose, a hippie Venzuelan in France seems to think that Americans are a
bunch of war-grabbing oil-mongers... or something. He recently said to
Jeff of BigStick.US:
"The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going
to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism."
Hmmm… let's take a peek at Venezuela's history to see if Jose has any cause to be talkin' trash:
FUN FACTS ABOUT VENEZUELA (with apologies to Frank J.):
Venezuela is a small, mountainous country in South America that people
are constantly leaving because it smells like monkey poop.
Venezuela was originally colonized by bloodthirsty Spaniards. In Spain
at the time, 16th century hippies were forever chanting crap like
"Isabella=Genghis Khan" and "No Blood for Incan gold!" Like their
modern counterparts they, too were mocked by right-wing bloggers, who
at that time used a primitive form of the internet made out of abacuses
tied together with very long strips of rawhide.
The Venezuelan economy primarily produces bananas, coffee, sugarcane,
and ruthless dictators. Other crops include maize, cocoa, tobacco, and
bloody coups.
Venezuela was a founding member of OPEC and was instrumental in the
insane upward spiral of crude oil prices in the 1970's. However, they
were eventually kicked out refusing to adopt the turban as their
"national funny hat".
Like Iraq, Venezuela was the beneficiary of an oil-for-food program. No, seriously. These dickweeds can't even feed themselves.
With that in mind it becomes fairly obvious what's going on here. All
Americans look the same to foreign nationals, and Jose has mistaken
Jeff for George W. Bush. He hopes to provoke Jeff (W.) into such a rage
that he'll invade Venezuela and turn that smelly patch of dirt into a
model democracy, freed at last of dictators, smelly monkeys & food
shortages.
Well, Jose, we'll pass your request along to the proper authorities,
but you'll have to go to the end of the line. Iran & North Korea
were here first.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:09:23 PM permalink HOME
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ABOUT F'N TIME
_Jon aka HySpeed aka Blogson FINALLY got around to getting himself a
blog. Actually, he's had it for a while, but he's just getting around
to posting again. Or at least to telling me about it.
However, the caution flag goes up at this point. It's got enough gratuitous cursing to make Misha look like Mr. Rogers, so those with delicate sensibilities might want to put blindfolds on before reading.
On the other hand, it IS called "We Swear" (tagline: Figuratively. Literally), so you can't say you weren't warned, especially since the following line appears in the inaugural post:
See, here's the deal - we swear as adjectives in the story. We strive
to avoid swearing to insult, offend, or disrespect people.
Unfortunately, we're not always successful.
Ahhh... takes me back to my Navy days, it does, when a man could easily
cram 7 F-bombs in a single sentence and no one would even blink...
*sigh* I can't do that anymore, what with being back in the world &
married to a proper lady & all...Damn civilization...
Anyway, this post
(ostensibly on the topic of the Federal Marriage Amendment) makes an
interesting point that I was not previously aware of: kids today
already have no respect for the institution of marriage, and the FMA
isn't going to change that. I'll quote (and slightly cleanse) a salient
passage that was, frankly, news to me:
Now, where would I, a 38 year-old white male, get a clue as to
"kids" and Pop Culture? Well, to be honest - Chat Rooms. No, not like that.
I have to pay attention to what my "kids" chat about - all "parents"
should. In addition, I play games - video games. You know, those evil
things that make people do bad things. I listen to what kids talk about in these games, I follow their conversations, and I pay attention. Oh, and I'm writing a game - I need to know these things. (yes, they also have a chat room where they talk about what they do now that they are married.)
And here's my point - kids (ages 14 - 25+) don't think of "marriage"
as a "big deal". And I'm not talking just about the "living together"
thing. I mean in the other direction too. On a regular basis, I watch
people chat about "getting married'. After hours / days / weeks of
"being friends / dating / engaged", two "cyber people" will go off and
have a ceremony in another chat room and get married. Lots of them are married multiple times.
Shocking huh? That's right - the sons and daughters of the Internet
World are getting "virtually" married to people they've never met -
then going off and doing it again. And here's my den Beste-an point: Today's youth are making a mockery of marriage.
In a decade, when these people are ready for "serious commitment",
(e.g. to get "indoctrinated" into the "institution") the opinion of
some shriveled-organ prisses at "The Capitol" are going to be ir-f******-relavant.
I'm not sure where to slip that into my already befuddled notions of
where to stand regarding same-sex marriage, but I'll be pondering it.
Meanwhile, I'll keep an eye out for more goodies from We Swear, and give announcements as required.
posted by Harvey at 5:34:33 PM permalink HOME
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I WANT TO WORK IN A MOVIE THEATER!
So I can overhear conversational snippets like the one Susie posted.
3 lines, 10 seconds. LOL! :-)
posted by Harvey at 7:25:05 AM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
All I need is my one star in the sky, to wish for you every day.
posted by Harvey at 10:35:04 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Thanks to the magic of computer animation, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5 will star George Washington as Leatherface.
posted by Harvey at 10:33:17 PM permalink HOME
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ANOTHER WAY TO GET BLOGROLLED
Well, there's always hurling obscenities at me, as did Eric of Straight White
Guy in the comments to this post. Of course, I might be MORE inclined to do it,
if the leg-waxing, skirt-wearing, momma's-boy in question hadn't gotten all
spineless & started backing off on his finely-tuned invective toward the end.
But I'll let it slide, since I kinda miss having the Bartender treat me with
all the respect normally reserved for a splooged-out party hooker, and it was
nice to have someone fill the void.
Speaking of the Bartender, when is he gonna start posting again?. Stop by
the comment party (yes, it's still going strong 3 weeks later) and help drag
his sorry Texas ass out from under the desk in the back office.
Watch the puddles though. They're not water.
Heck, they're probably not booze, either... *sniff, sniff*... What the hell IS
that stuff?
NOTE TO ERIC: my blogroll sometimes gets a little persnickity &
doesn't upload in a timely fashion. I put you in the file, so now it's
just a matter of getting my balky software to do its job.
posted by Harvey at 6:10:25 PM permalink HOME
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FRINCH PART 2
Jeff of BigStick.US has completed his Christmas treat, which continues thusly:
The Frinch Who Stole The Elections, Part 2
All their windows were dark. Quiet sand filled the air.
All the Iraqis were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first chemical plant on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Frinchy did hiss
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Frinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the WMDs sat in their nuclear glow
"These weapons," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with hands steady and calm,
Around the whole room, and he took every bomb!
Anthrax! And buboes! Sarin! And Guns!
Plutonium, Uranium, and bombs by the Ton!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Frinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!
Set down the drinks & get the rest. Start by reading Part 1 if you haven't already done so.
posted by Harvey at 5:56:44 PM permalink HOME
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DID I MENTION THAT I DROP-KICK SMURFS FOR FUN?
I hate "cute" things. Anything that makes a normal woman go "awwwwww..." makes me go "EWWW!" Pretty much anything from the LTD catalog falls into this category. But thanks to LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone, I've found the first stuffed animals that ever made me go "awwwwww..."
Besides my stuffed rat.
posted by Harvey at 5:53:02 PM permalink HOME
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REQUEST FOR HELP FROM THE MORE EXPERIENCED
Teresa of Technicalities needs to find out what you remember from the 60's. I was 4, so I'm no help. But if you have some memories, please weigh in on this debate. Which of the following is true?:
a) I think there was far more devisiveness and unhappiness during [the
60's]. No era is without its good things happening - like Civil Rights
in the 60's. But on the whole, the movements were bitter, unhappy, and
even dangerous.
b) Only a very small number of protesters spit on soldiers and/or
called them murderers. Those who actually try to document all those
horrible events have as much trouble as those who try to find examples
of bra burning.
Let Teresa know what you think.
posted by Harvey at 5:48:15 PM permalink HOME
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POMPOUS, SANCTIMONIUS DE-LINKING
Since it's trendy to de-link people who say things you disagree with, I'm arrogantly and loudly de-linking Frank J. of IMAO
Why?
He's supporting both monkeys AND hippies. Which is just unconscionable. I don't want someone to come by here, see a link to IMAO, and think I'm some kind of hippy & monkey lover.
Off you go Frank...
... crap... I've got 3 links to IMAO in the sidebar. That's way to much work to undo... all that template tweaking...ugh.
Ok, Frank, you can stay for now.
But I'll be watching...
posted by Harvey at 5:45:59 PM permalink HOME
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IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES
via my Latvian connection, I discovered that the British are fiddling with a device that will allow you to send and receive fragrances
over the internet. Those silly English folk have "selling flowers" as
the main point of attraction. Heh. I'm sure you can guess what kind of
scents I'd be sending.
If you don't know me well enough to guess, I'll just have to quote a Latvian and let that serve as your hint:
Ieeju lapā un šitie maitas ar savam reklāmām iztērē visus manus
flakoniņus!!! A es tos priekš porno lapām ilgi biju krājis ... ehh
[emphasis added]
posted by Harvey at 5:41:19 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, March 08, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
There's no finer caress than a love letter, because it makes the world very small, and the writer and reader, the only rulers.
posted by Harvey at 11:12:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[you are not a slave]
After scanning this, my secondary hard drive started playing an MP3 of "We Shall Overcome" and demanded reparations.
posted by Harvey at 11:09:42 PM permalink HOME
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HELP FOR A CHRONIC BEAL SUFFERER
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has Beal.
Bad.
So bad, in fact that he's starting a new torture "feature" wherein he
picks 3 more or less random words, hits "I'm feeling lucky" at Google,
and shares the results with the world.
This, I submit, is both sick and wrong.
...And thus worthy of my support. What he's
asking is that readers give him a list of 30 words, 10 each in the
following categories
1) animate objects (or parts thereof, such as extremities or organs)
2) inanimate objects (place names count)
3) descriptive terms (such as adjectives and adverbs)
Then drop your lists in his comments.
Here are mine:
Animate:
children
linguist
cockroach
army
tortoise
mad cow
poultry
blood
employee
adulterer
Inanimate:
furnace
transcripts
chair
watch
calculator
pen
Kansas
gas
microrobot
rain
Descriptive:
fiery
embarrassing
innocent
giant
humiliating
safer
green
polar
weekly
longest
Just for fun, I did my own test run using "hamburger fee essayist", and came up with this story:
Posted on Thursday, February 26, 2004. The following were among
eighty-seven losing submissions in an essay contest sponsored by Tom
and Patti Brandt, former owners of Sno-White Drive-In, a fifties-style
hamburger stand in Antioch, California. The Brandts offered full
ownership of the restaurant to the best essayist; entries were confined
to a hundred words or less and submitted with a $100 application fee.
Originally from Harper's Magazine, April 2002.
I want to own Sno-White Drive-In because I love burgers - cooking them,
wrapping them, selling them, etc. Once I had a strange dream about a
never-ending line of oversized buns coming toward me, all dripping with
extra mayonnaise.
My wife and daughter feel the same way.
Hmmm... maybe I'll just try drinking heavily instead. Anyway, drop your lists off at Frizzen Sparks.
Or be a dick like me, and make him come to your place to get them. MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 11:00:09 PM permalink HOME
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Well, it's either 2 1/2 months late or 9 1/2 months early, but either way, Jeff of BigStick.US waxes poetic with his rendition of a Dr. Suess classic. I'll start you off:
The Frinch Who Stole The Elections, part One
Every Yank down in Yank-ville liked George Bush a lot,
But the Frinch, Who lived far east of Yank-ville, Did NOT!
The Frinch hated GW! The whole big Bush family!
Maybe it's because his own country's so shabby?
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, of French banks and their plight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his nuts were two sizes too small.
Go see Jeff for the rest. Well, part of the rest, anyway. Apparently this is at least a 2-parter
posted by Harvey at 10:47:17 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS
And the new King of the Blogs is:
The old King of the Blogs, as WalloWorld retains the crown by .05 points this week.
At this point the pretenders to the throne - Bull (who is a girl) of Irritable Blog Syndrome and Athanasius (who's probably a guy) of Ecumenical Insanity
(now with 100% less Blogspottiness) - will be cast in the darkest
dungeon that Good King Bill can find, where they can contemplate the
evils of their attempted usurpation.
In addition to my brilliantly witty commentary, you can go to this week's KotB results post and find the ponderings of such notable judges as:
The ever-stuffy Mr Dodge,
who insists that bits of flair and mirth, when mixed with dashes of
pizazz, are the most important qualities a monarch can possess.
The charming Mistress of Discipline Susie, of Practical Penumbra,
who firmly but gently chastises naughty bloggers: "Bad Wally!" she
says. Hey gorgeous, I've been naughty, too. Where's MY spanking?
The non-stuffy, but now swell-headed petty little name caller ("stick in the mud"? ME? Is he calling me stuffy now?... Wait, maybe he's just saying I'm gay? Oh, well, that's not so... wha? HEY!) Pietro of SmarterCop goes painstakingly through his whole-blog judging criteria. Hint to new contestants - study his reviews. There's no excuse now for NOT getting 10/10 on this part from him.
UP NEXT: The Royal Rumble - where peasants with delusions of grandeur
pummel each other in a brutal cage match to see who will get a shot at
the crown.
posted by Harvey at 9:12:43 PM permalink HOME
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I WANT TO EAT GOLDIE
's cheescake. Look at this thing. Mars Bar Cheesecake. God, I'm
shorting out my keyboard from all the drooling. Australia's a bit far
(and moist) to drive to pick up a piece, so I begged for the recipe,
instead. But Goldie's got a sadistic streak. Said I'd have to trade her
something.
Hmmm... what to get for the girl who has everything....
First, how about a handsome picture of me:
Ok, that's a little spooky, but I blame Goldie for pointing out where this little face-maker thingy can be found.
What else... Oh! I can review her latest naughty movie... Nah... better not. The FCC will probably censor me. After all, if I start talking about her blowjobs & lapdances... Nope... better not go there. Gotta remember what they did to Howard Stern...
Ok, fine. When in doubt, whip out the big guns: male exotic dancers.
Now, Goldie, about that recipe...
posted by Harvey at 8:42:26 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
Is up at Irritable Blog Syndrome.
Tasty chunks of Heinlein thrown in as intro material, so it's worth
going for that reason alone. Also yummying up the works this week is
bit of cranky one-upsmanship from BuffaloWings & Vodka. I'm not
sure exactly what kind of outlines they're discussing (probably some
goofy law school thing), but it doesn't matter. It just cascades into
an upward spiral of silliness that's beautiful to behold. I'll give you
the first part:
“You finish your outline?”
“Yeah. 65 pages. It’s pretty awesome.”
“That’s not bad. Mine hit 75 pages.”
“But mine was single-spaced.”
“So was mine. And in a six-point font.”
“My outline has a Table of Contents and a Glossary.”
“That’s cool. But my outline has a Descriptive Word Index. And a Closing Table.”
“My outline is updated annually, with a quarterly soft-bound supplement and bi-weekly pocket parts.”
“Nice. My outline was reprinted in the Harvard Law Review, Le Monde, Hustler, and Ranger Rick.”
“Liar. They don‘t even print Ranger Rick anymore. Besides, my outline was published in thirty-
seven different languages, including Esperanto and Aramaic.”
There's more, and it gets even better, so go enjoy. Permalinks are blogspotted, so Dec 15, CTRL+F "outlines".
posted by Harvey at 6:28:55 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, March 07, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of
time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love should not
be one of them.
posted by Harvey at 10:11:21 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Sure, I should've known it was too good to be true, but when I saw that
ad that said "We'll show you how to make 2000 on $1" I thought they'd
just forgotten the dollar sign on the first number.
posted by Harvey at 10:09:40 PM permalink HOME
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BUT IS IT GOOD ENOUGH?
LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone asks (although not in so many words) the quintessential blogger's question: "Why the hell am I spending an hour tweaking this stupid five-sentence throw-away entry?"
Oh, darlin', do I EVER know THAT feeling! More times than I can count,
I've sweated blood, re-reading, re-editing, over and over & over,
trying to perfect a stupid little bit of twaddle that I know in my
heart will get neither links nor comments. It'll be read in 30 seconds
and forgotten in five. No one's life will be saved by what I write,
much less even marginally improved. So why all the fuss?
I can't honestly say for sure. I can only toss out a few notions about what drives me personally.
I think the biggest thing is my belief that words are precious.
Something I picked up my extremely taciturn father who never engaged
(as far as I know) in idle chit-chat. When Allen Olson spoke, it was to
convey specific information, and after that, it was shut up time. I've
picked up the habit myself, so when I post an entry, it has to make a
point, make it well, then shut up. Anything less would be to disrespect
the value of the English language. Which, despite what some people might think, is practically a crime.
Another reason is that, despite my raging hatred of typographic errors,
I'm both prone to creating them and poor at spotting them. With enough
re-reads, I know I can catch a good 99% of them, so I go back and forth
repeatedly, hunting for strays.
And let's not forget about word choice. It's a big, boring mistake to
keep using the same adjectives over and over. Even twice in the same
post is a big, boring mistake. I don't like making big, boring
mistakes, so I'll go back through to make sure that I'm not making the
big, boring mistake of using the same adjectives (or other words) over
and over. Variety is the spice of life. Big time. And not varying your
words is a big, boring mistake.
The last reason is that I'm a nerdy little bookworm. I spent probably
the first 30 years of my life nose-in-book, so I'm intimately familiar
with the sound of quality prose. Although it isn't as stuctured
as poetry, there's still a certain quality of rhythm and lyricism to be
found in good writing. A "fair balance" of big words & little
words, of long sentences & short ones. If the balance is missing,
the writing sounds dissonant and off key. I don't claim to have the
prose equivalent of "perfect pitch", but I'm far from tone deaf. If my
words don't sing pleasantly to me, I'll tweak them until their inner
harmonies are released.
So, yes, sometimes it doesn't seem quite worth it to gut-twist over a
few insignifcant phrases, but that "inner editor" is a whip-cracker,
and as tough as it is to write well, it's often even tougher to ignore
the master's call to perfection.
posted by Harvey at 9:58:37 PM permalink HOME
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WHO'S THIS FOR?
In the comments to this post by Matty O'Blackfive
on the closed-minded Bush haters and how deep their hatred goes, one of
the commenters (JarheadDad) makes a beautiful mini-rant.
Matty - impressed by his showing - tells him he needs a blog.
JarheadDad demures with the "I don't have time" gambit, provoking the
following response from Phil of News From the Fridge:
JarheadDad: Do what I do. Get a
'blog and just don't update it if you're busy, and write stuff when the
spirit takes you. Just always remember to write for _yourself_ and not
some audience out there.
That last sentence caught my eye. I've read it before. I know what it
means, and any other day I'd agree with the sentiment, but a thought
occured to me today - I don't write for myself, and I never have.
Usually when I blog, it's actually more like I'm writing an open letter
to the person whose entry I'm linking. It's usually for their specific
amusement, but I try to broaden things a bit so it can be appreciated
by uninvolved onlookers, too.
When the entry isn't inspired by a particular bit of writing, it's
still more or less an open letter, but it's to an imaginary "ideal
reader". Someone who's very much like me, but not exactly. Someone who
appreciates my sense of humor and would laugh at all the right places.
There are also other entries where I'm trying to get something straight
in my own head by putting it down on paper (or in pixels, as the case
may be). These are almost like little prayers. "Please God, I seek
understanding. Help me figure out this complex subject." Think of them
as open letters to a higher power.
In the end, though, I suppose it IS all for
myself. It's the purely selfish pleasure of creating the mini-rants, or
little jokes, or silly humor pieces, or thoughtful essays that keeps me
tapping away at the keyboard day after day. But although selfish (in
the good sense), it's not solitary. Everyone who reads this is keeping
me company right now, and even though I may be alone, I don't feel
lonely.
posted by Harvey at 9:32:36 PM permalink HOME
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IS BUSH A CRAP WEASEL?
Keith of Berry's World thinks that Bush's use of 9-11 imagery and
Kucinich's use of the names of the Iraqi war dead are equivalent. He
wonders why the right isn't as outraged about Bush's commercial as they were about Kucinich's.
I had to sit
down & think this one over. If I'm being hypocritical, I appreciate
having it pointed out, even if I'm not overly fond of the pointer, so
I'm going to take the question seriously.
I guess I could ask him the opposite question, but first I wanted to do an attitude check on myself. I like the way Bush responded to 9-11 and I don't
like Kucinich because he's a socialist. So was the reason for my burst
of outrage merely partisan politics, or is there a principle at stake?
A line which must never be crossed in making commercials?
Thinking back to when I watched the Kucinich video, I remember watching
the names flash by, and I remember being annoyed that the names were
being used by a Democrat. That reaction was probably more about
partisan politics, and if Kucinich had finished up with something like
"isn't 300 enough? We should pull out of Iraq now. If I'm elected
President, I'll stop the senseless killing." Then I probably wouldn't
have even blogged about it. I'm not normally a war-blogger, as such,
and I would've let it slide.
But Kucinich followed up the body count with an assertion that the war
was all for the benefit of evil corporations like Haliburton. He
basically said that all those people he named died for worse than
nothing. He denigrated the very cause for which those people laid down
their lives and used their names in support of a postition that they
very likely would have disagreed with. THAT was the source of my
outrage, and THAT was what inspired me to start dropping F-bombs all
over my normally semi-censored blog.
So, would I have been pissed if W had used names instead of just
images? No, not as the commercial was written. If he had followed it
with something like, "And what did they die for? So greedy
fire-fighting unions could try to get more pork from the federal
government." THEN you might see some F-bombs. But W didn't do that, so
you're not going to see any outrage in this part of the 'sphere.
Now it's my turn: if you objected to the Bush commercial, then where was your outrage over Kucinich's?
posted by Harvey at 9:17:15 PM permalink HOME
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AH, MUSIC
I love a well-done song parody. This time around, it's Vanderleun from American Digest working over a bit from The Pirates of Penzance
to bring us his rendition of "I Am the Very Model of A Modern Kerry
Democrat". I'll get you started, you can see him for the rest:
Kerry :
I am the very model of a modern Kerry-Democrat,
I'm an information animal, a medal-dripping technocrat,
I know the Kennedys of Camelot, and hide my votes historical,
While my Deaniac supporters consult the Usenet Oracle;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters matrimonial,
I understand rich heiresses, and lust for figures patrimonial,
About Republican recessions I'm steaming up my views,
With many bogus facts about the bad news in the better news.
ALL :
With many bogus facts about the bad news in the better news.
With many bogus facts about the bad news in the better news.
With many bogus facts about the bad news in the better news.
Heh. Try getting THAT one out of your head :-)
posted by Harvey at 8:53:23 PM permalink HOME
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I'M MOVING TO FRANCE
Why? Because it seems that living in a country full of cowardly,
back-stabbing weasels increases one's ability to write colorful
descriptions.
Take, for example, Jeff of BigStick.US's description of the worst beer he's ever tasted:
There's the so-called brewer,
graduate of "Kindof Beer Fest '76, Northern France Division", sitting
at his table thinking to himself how he's going to make a living.
Suddenly, the idea comes to him. he runs down into the basement and
lugs up the stairs a large barrel, full of dust, rat poison, and mold.
He goes to the pantry, and takes out anything that has a "b" and an "e"
and an "r" in it. (For B E E R, right?) Barley? In the barrel. Butter?
in the barrel. Old bread? In the barrel. (You get the idea.)
Afterwards, he fills the damn thing with water, buries it underground
for 17 years, dies, and leaves it in his will for it to be canned and
sold.
Pure poetry. And I left some more for you to discover on your own at the other end of the link.
posted by Harvey at 8:46:06 PM permalink HOME
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Saturday, March 06, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
There may be many flowers in a man's life, but there is only one rose.
posted by Harvey at 4:20:27 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Plan to hang out and watch a movie with me tonight... I will call you later... PS - Smile - You have a beautiful smile...]
Hate to break it to ya, guy, but lame flattery on a $5 bill ain't
gettin' you a date with anyone except Rosie Palm and her five sisters.
posted by Harvey at 4:18:56 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS CHALLENGE QUESTION & WHOLE BLOG REVIEW
The following are my reviews for
the King of the Blogs. Scores have been omitted to retain an air of
mystery until the winners are announced at the KotB site.
Overall note: despite this week's challenge question being the Mt.
Rushmore of monumental badness, the contestants as a group plunged
ahead with commendable fortitude to make something out of nothing.
ECUMENICAL INSANITY:
(challenge)[March 3, CTRL+F "the answer"]
GOOD POINTS: Cites sources of peer-reviewed research studies to back up his conclusive conclusion.
BAD POINTS: Missed the correct answer by 5, as this question is CLEARLY
a subset of the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: As reigning monarch, wisely caters to the various special
interest groups in his kingdom, including conservatives, liberals,
filthy hippies, and the Irish.
BAD POINTS: Insinuates that I'm to blame for this wretched query. Also fails to link self repeatedly.
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Dilligently performs her own research, investigates all
relevant variables (complete with supporting linkage), and comes up
with indisputable conclusions. Bonus for mocking shoddy union labor
practices.
BAD POINTS: None visible
The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality
shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.
ECUMENICAL INSANITY:
GOOD POINTS: I like that there's no mistaking this blog's overarching
Christian theme. You know from the second the page loads what you're in
for.
BAD POINTS: Some obvious technical difficulties arise from working
within Blogspot – broken permalinks being the most obvious. That one
I'd be willing to overlook, since Athanasius is moving to a real home.
However, there are other missing features that there are no excuse for.
There's no "About Me" post. This is especially egregious for a blogger
using a sexually ambiguous pseudonym. Also, code for a site search
feature is easily obtainable from Google - no reason not to have that.
(NOTE: Athanasius has some writing talent and should probably consider re-entering with the new blog)
WALLOWORLD
GOOD POINTS: Nothing but good points. The color scheme is a lot more
pleasant this time around. Apparently that old shade of off-poop even
got on HIS nerves. Good use of color & design to segregate the
various textual elements. Also looks a lot more natural without all
those "show extended entries" links. Great kiss-up job on the KotB
judge links
BAD POINTS: Ok, one bad point. Needs to link himself more.
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
GOOD POINTS: All the niceties are present, and Bull has one of the
cleanest sidebars I've ever seen. I also like the very subdued
dashed-line borders.
BAD POINTS: Minor nits for which I detract very little. Having the
pseudonym "Bull" makes it hard for newcomers to realize that you're a
woman. However, there is a picture in the "About Me" post, and a lot of
the entries bear obvious female fingerprints. Might want to consider
joining BloggersWithBoobies as a clarifier. Also, the brownish
background on quotes is pretty close to the off-poop color that Bill
recently flushed. You might consider doing the same, but it's your
blog, so it's your call.
posted by Harvey at 2:35:13 PM permalink HOME
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MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ
Filthy lie round-up is up: Instapundit's new logo. All the pictures are lovely. I especially liked SilverBlue's. My favorite part, though was this line from GEBIV's story:
‘Well, blogless brother,’ I said, ‘can you do it? Can you hack into
Evil Glenn’s computer and steal the plans for the new Instapundit logo?’
His
only answer as his fingers blurred over his keyboard was a little
twitch of his eyebrow. A twitch which seemed to say ‘What kind of fool
are you? I could do this in my sleep with all of my fingers duct taped
together behind my back with black olives on the end of each digit.’
Pretty fancy talk for an eyebrow, I thought.
New Filthy Lie assignment: What would Evil Glenn do with 15 minutes of spare time?
posted by Harvey at 2:22:13 PM permalink HOME
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THAT WAS FAST...
Jeff of BigStick.US has already posted Part 8 of 2015 - wherein the President announces the assimilation of Canada, and the French start to get... twitchy.
You probably need to read part 7 to completely appreciate the intro, but otherwise you should be ok, as long as you're not sipping while you're reading.
posted by Harvey at 10:35:43 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, March 05, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If the world ended today, I would be at peace, for I have loved you.
posted by Harvey at 11:10:20 PM permalink HOME
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COME QUICK!
A phrase which is rarely heard at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. However, there's a good reason you're hearing it now. The comment party is up to #96, and we need to crack the elusive 3-digit barrier before the Bartender shuts us down.
Since he's already left his typical trail cranky comments over here, I
figure he'll be kicking the saloon doors open any minute.
Hurry! While there's still time!
posted by Harvey at 11:06:01 PM permalink HOME
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IT'S... ALIVE!
Tom of BigStick.US finally completed part 7 of 2015.
You remember 2015, right? That's the year that the US invades Canada to
save it from its silly socialist self. The other 6 parts can be found here, but this piece actually stands pretty well on its own.
About 5-10 minutes. Drink Alert threat level red.
posted by Harvey at 9:58:32 PM permalink HOME
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"MAKE IT WITH LOVE": THE SANDWICH MARRYING PETITION
As I mentioned before, Joey of Single White Male is a sandwisexual. Now, I can certainly understand the attraction between a man and a sandwich. As Miracle Max once said:
"True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT...
mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich... where the mutton is nice and
lean, and the tomato is ripe....they're so perky. I love that."
mmmm... MLT...
[wipes drool] ANYWAY, the
point is that under currently applicable Federal and State of Arizona
law, although Joey may LOVE sandwiches, he may not MARRY one. He is
currently investigating the possibilities of circulating a petition to change that.
While I may not share his meal preference, I DO support his First
Amendment right to petition his government for redress of grievance. So
as soon as that petition's written, I'll be a signer.
[singing] My baloney has a first name...
posted by Harvey at 9:52:29 PM permalink HOME
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SO THEN DANA SAYS TO ME, SHE SAYS...
... I'll see your Lego doll and raise you a leggy doll.
posted by Harvey at 9:40:21 PM permalink HOME
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NOW THAT'S PRE10TIOUS
via Lynn of Reflections in d minor, I found that William Slawski of Bragadoccio thinks bloggers are bland & styleless:
It strikes me sad, and it strikes
me odd, and I'll be deeply bruised if it continues to strike me, but
I've noted that there really aren't any standout stylists in the many
blogs of the world wide web
What a load of pretentious crap.
Off the top of my head, I can think of the following folks who stand out like a yarmulke at a rodeo:
USS Clueless
Lileks
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
IMAO
Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon
ErosBlog
Eject!Eject!Eject!
The Truth Laid Bear
I might even qualify for the list myself, but it's hard to judge, since I'm too far inside my own skin to be objective.
And those are just the chronic cases. Everyone else on my blogroll still wins the "matching tie & handkerchief" award for stylish, at the VERY least. It might not be a style that William considers ish, but if a blogger has a sidebar link at Bad Money they've got tons of ish as far as I'm concerned.
[stomping off, muttering under breath]
stuffy... arrogant... conceited.... grrrrr.
UPDATE (3-8-04 10PM): After
considering the words of the author in the comments, and re-reading his
post a little more closely, I realize that I went off half-cocked on a
phrase taken out of context. Appears he meant his piece to be a musing
on the nature of blogging, and not as an indictment of blogger
stylelessness. I was wrong to have called him pre10tious. His quote, in
context, is not crap.
William, I'm sorry. I'll exercise more care in the future.
posted by Harvey at 9:38:25 PM permalink HOME
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HMMM... NEEDS SOMETHING...
Lego JimRob of Ramblings of A Bearded Hillbilly
really did his best to gear up, but I must say I'm disappointed. I
mean, there he is, out there alone in the woods, surrounded by rabid
Bambis & psycho Thumpers all ready to sink their jagged yellow
fangs into his throat, and what does this fool do?
Only brings one gun.
Which, I suppose, wouldn't be so bad if he were wearing an ammo belt instead of one made out of candy dots, most of which he's already eaten.
Firepower, JR, it's all about the firepower.
posted by Harvey at 9:26:58 PM permalink HOME
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NO! NO! NO!
Ok, I'm trying to encourage the whole Lego meme, but this... Eric of Straight White Guy...
Look, there's a LOT of wrong things in this picture, the worst of which is probably...
THAT HE SHAVED HIS FREAKING LEGS!
Damn, Eric, you're REALLY creeping me out.
posted by Harvey at 9:23:51 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S LOGO
(A FILTHY LIE)
There are two things Glenn needs to do: get a firewall, and stop making
phone calls via the internet. Why? Because it makes it WAY too easy for
unscroupulous people like me to listen in. Recently, Evil Glenn got a
call from Bob, who runs his ISP...
Bob: Hi Glenn, it's Bob, from EvilBloggers.com.
Evil Glenn: Just a second, Bob... *WHIRRRRR!* *yip! yip! yip!* *gurgle*... *SLURRRRPP!* Heh. Schnauzer shake. Indeed. What can I do for ya Bob?
Bob: I REALLY wish you wouldn't do that when I call. It's a little disturbing.
Evil Glenn: Gotta keep my energy up. I've gotta post 3000 more entries by noon, and... ACK! *spitooie!*... Ugh. Toenail.
Bob: Yeah, well, I'll get right to the point. Ever since Janet dropped
her mudflap at the Superbowl, the FCC has been going nuts. They're
going after anything even remotely obscene. Did you know they fined the Oscars $50,000 for showing a picture of Michael Moore?
Evil Glenn: Well, I can understand that. Showing a boob is one thing, but images of a gaping asshole IS really over the top.
Bob: Agreed. So around here we're really concerned that the Feds are
going to get overzealous and attempt internet censorship. I don't know
if they can do it, but I'm not waiting around to find out, so I'm
making sure we're not hosting anything objectionable on our server.
Since your site, and specifically your logo, is at the top of our list of complaints, I figured maybe you could clean it up a bit
Evil Glenn: Thousands of people are complaining about my logo?
Bob: Well, just one, actually. He says that your logo looks like a very
pointy boob with a round nipple on top, and claims that those white
things represent part of a Jacksonesque nipple-shield.
Evil Glenn: That's INSANE! What kind of sick, twisted pervert would even imagine such a thing?
Bob: Well, it was signed Frank J., if that means anything.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm. That would explain it. Indeed… But that's only ONE lousy complaint. How can that put me at the top of your naughty blogger list?
Bob: Glenn, it's the only complaint we got, so it makes you stick out like a hooker in a convent. I'm not taking the heat for this one. Change the logo.
Evil Glenn: All right, all right, don't get your skivvies in a clove
hitch. Let me poke around the C drive & see if I can scare
something up… hmmm… Ok, Bob, check your e-mail quick & tell me if
this one's suitable.
Bob: GOOD GOD! How could you POSSIBLY think that a picture of a man having sex with an inflatable penguin would be acceptable? This thing wouldn't even be safe for work if you were Helen Thomas's gynecologist!
Evil Glenn: WHAT? [checking attachment] Whoops! Heh. Wrong file. Try this one…
Bob: GAH! What. Is. That. THING?
Evil Glenn: Portrait of the author.
Bob: I think you got the wrong picture again. This looks like some kind of Martian vampire version of Riff-Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Evil Glenn: I think it's about time people saw my true appearance.
Bob: Look, just stay coiled up inside the human suit for a little while longer. NOBODY'S ready for this. What else ya got?
Evil Glenn: Geez! You are SUCH a cowering little gerbil! Fine! You want inoffensive? You GOT it!…
Bob: Nope.
Evil Glenn: WHAT? It's a freakin' FLOWER!
Bob: Sorry, it's just gonna raise more nipple-shield issues. Try again.
Evil Glenn: I give up. I'm just going to select a .jpg at random… there…
Bob: Interspecies mating?
Evil Glenn: Whoops! Heh. Forgot to exclude the "Personal" folder from the search. One more time…
Bob: and… this would be the result of said interspecies mating?
Evil Glenn: Well, I kinda felt responsible for his creation, so I adopted him. Isn't he adorable?
Bob: In a sick and wrong sort of way, yes. Don't you have ANYTHING that good and decent people will find unobjectionable?
Evil Glenn: How the hell should I know what good & decent people want? I'm a lawyer!
Bob: Good point. In that case, pick something YOU would find objectionable.
Evil Glenn: Hey! That's a GREAT idea! Let me pop open my "icky" folder…
EWWW! Here's one of a beautiful woman celebrating her first place
finish in a golf tournament. The joy, the sunshine, the sweet smell of
an honestly earned victory… I'll have to kill a dozen hobos to get the foul taste out of my mouth…
Bob: PERFECT! No one could POSSIBLY find this the least bit suggestive or objectionable. I think we have a winner. Thanks for all your help, Glenn.
Evil Glenn: Don't mention it.
All I can say is that if he goes with that last one, I might have to blogroll him.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:28:39 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, March 04, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now.
posted by Harvey at 6:15:50 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[OVER 1,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE TOUCHED THIS DOLLAR BILL EACH YEAR - EV]
So... it's kinda like spending Madonna's panties, then...
posted by Harvey at 6:14:09 PM permalink HOME
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COFFEE CRISIS
I've had a tiny little home espresso maker for about 10 years now. Remarkably durable, considering it only cost me $25.
The only problem is, once you get used to the strength and the naked
flavor of espresso, normal coffee tastes like oily mud by comparison. Watery, oily mud.
The only solution I've found at work (industrial 12-cup drip maker) is
to put the coffee grounds in the basket, pour in the water, and then
immediately put my coffee cup on the burner instead of the pot. The
first 4-6 ounces are strong enough to be tolerable, after that, it just
gets increasingly diluted, and thus increasingly evil.
There are worse things, though. Two Nervous Dogs shows what happens when your home espresso maker breaks down and you're forced to resort to... a home drip coffee maker.
*shudder*
Don't be drinking coffee (or any other beverage) while reading this.
posted by Harvey at 5:58:24 PM permalink HOME
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NOW WITH MORE TALL & YUMMY
tallglassofmilk from Drink This has posted some pictures showing her with Dale Earnhardt Jr. Some very fine pictures.
The thing that impresses me most about Dale Jr. in the first picture is
his eyes. Notice that they're aimed upward at about a 20 degree angle.
If it were me in the picture, I wouldn't be fighting gravity so hard.
I hate people with class. They make me look bad :-(
posted by Harvey at 5:47:18 PM permalink HOME
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QUESTION I REALLY WANTED TO ASK A RECENT CUSTOMER...
Must every idiot thought that pops into your head fall out of your mouth?
posted by Harvey at 5:32:25 PM permalink HOME
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BAD DAY
Teresa of Technicalities had to put her dog to sleep today.
I'm not good with words of comfort, so I just put something clumsy in
the comments. Anyone who's better at it (which would be most people)
please stop by.
posted by Harvey at 5:31:08 PM permalink HOME
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SPAM ATTACK!
Not me. hM of homicidalManiak. She's been getting a lot of comment spam lately.
I'm MT clueless. Everyone else in the world isn't. Could everyone else in the world help her out, please?
posted by Harvey at 5:29:44 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT'S MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN A GIRL WITH A GUN?
A super-hot Lego-mama sportin' TWO guns and cleavage that just won't quit. Which would be America's #1 Pin-up Girl, Dana of Note-It Posts.
Ya know, I'm still waiting for someone to put a nipple shield on one of these...
posted by Harvey at 5:28:05 PM permalink HOME
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TIFFANY'S GOOD BETWEEN THE SHEETS
...Oops! Typo. That was supposed to say "with" the sheets... Tiffany of Blown Fuse give a pictorial tutorial
on how to fold a fitted sheet so that it looks more like a normal
sheet, and less like a renegade sack of potatoes in your linen closet.
Having created said sack just last week while tidying up the laundry, this subject is near & dear to me.
posted by Harvey at 5:26:35 PM permalink HOME
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UNFORTUNATELY, I'M SERIOUS
I've been alerted to 2 things recently. First, that my e-mail address
has apparently been harvested for use in sending out virus e-mails. My
system is clean, so it's not going out globally to my address book. But
Linda of Civilization Calls did get a mysterious attachment with my return address, as did Susie.
I'm guessing both addresses got picked out of my blog somewhere, so you
may want to spam-proof your e-mail address, if you leave a comment.
My policy on sending out attachments in e-mails is as follows: the only
thing I will send you unannounced is a picture. If I'm sending any
other kind of file, we will have discussed it first.
The second thing I've heard is that viruses are now being sent in .zip
files, because virus scanning software can't peek into compressed files.
Just a heads up. Have fun out there, but wear your cyber-condom.
UPDATE: Here's an example of a particularly seductive e-mail that's going around:
Dear user, the management of
[e-mail of someone you know & trust] mailing system
wants to let you know that,
Our antivirus software has
detected a large ammount of viruses outgoing from
your email account, you may use our free anti-virus tool to
clean up your computer software.
For further details see the attach.
For security purposes the attached file is password protected. Password is "34730".
Sincerely,
[person you know & trust]
posted by Harvey at 5:21:02 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004
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THIS IS A LOVE NOTE
I've posted some terrific writing by Jon (aka HySpeed) before. He has a deft touch with a solid political rant, and his stuff is always a pleasure to read.
I've tried to encourage him to get a blog of his own, and he was
receptive to the idea, but he had other things on his mind which kept
him from starting up.
The woman he loved had been diagnosed with both MS and cancer.
Recently, she lost her battle, and Jon has been struggling on as best
he can. One of the ways he coped was to write a piece describing the how and why of his getting together with the woman he calls "My Love".
I like to think I do a good job of cherishing Beloved Wife with my
daily love notes, but my efforts look pale and watery compared to this.
This piece is especially poignant for me, because I had a somewhat
similar start with Beloved Wife. We went to high school together (she
was a year behind me), and we were friends in chess club during my
Junior year. She started dating one of my best friends during my Senior
year, and I double dated with the two of them on a number of occasions.
After graduation, my friend went off to college, and I joined the Navy.
A few months later, I came home on leave and bumped into her, which is
how I found out that my friend had "met a girl at college" and broken
off the relationship.
During my last night in town, I dropped by the chess club meeting to
say goodbye, expecting it to be pretty much the last time I would see
her for who knew how long. Before the end of the meeting, I had her
walk me back to my car, and I gave her a rose. Just a little something
for her to remember me by, a gesture of kindness to a good friend.
Nothing more. I had no designs on her. I was still seeing the other
girl I'd been dating the year before.
But when it came time to part, she looked at me... and I looked at her... and without saying a word, we kissed.
If I told you it was electric, you'd think I was exaggerating. I'm not. I could feel electricity coursing through my entire body, all the way down to my feet. I've never felt anything like it before or since.
Everything changed in that moment.
But still I said goodbye, just like I planned. Except I didn't plan on what she said next:
Future Beloved Wife: So... are you still seeing [current girlfriend] steady?
Harv [sadly]: Yes.
Future Beloved Wife: Well... if you ever break up...
and she went back inside.
I started driving home. Made it about 1 mile, and realized that I'd
just made the biggest mistake of my entire life by leaving. I knew it
with an unquestionable gut certainty.
I turned around and drove back.
The rest of the story... will wait for another time. My point is that I
know what it's like to KNOW that you've found your soulmate.
Jon does, too.
posted by Harvey at 11:31:28 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.
posted by Harvey at 10:40:59 PM permalink HOME
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BOMB ME
This really isn't fair. I'm
the coolest Harvey in the world (or at least the one with the dirtiest
mind, which is pretty close to the same thing), so WHY is Bad Money only 27th on the Harvey Google search?
Ok, I don't expect to ever hit #1. I mean, with the Jimmy Stewart movie
& that crappy comic book publisher in my way, that's a bit
unrealistic.
But if you want to help, here's what you can do. Any time you link the
Bad Money home page, put the link on the word "Harvey". Shouldn't be
too tough, since most people usually post the phrase "Harvey of Bad
Money" anyway. Just shift the link a couple words to the left.
Of course, if you don't want to help, you can always link the Bad Money home page to the phrase "pervert of renown extraordinaire". Your call.
posted by Harvey at 10:21:18 PM permalink HOME
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BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES #35
Angrily waving the torch over her head and inciting the villagers to storm the castle this week is Heather of Angelweave. She kicked me around pretty good while introducing MY post, but she was just downright kind in some places. I need to drag her down to Madfish Willie's comment party & get her drunk so she get her snark fired up again.
And how many times do I have
to tell you people, this is the BONFIRE! You need to put SUCKY posts
here! Dave of Blogo Slovo got it all wrong, because I'm still wiping coffee dribbles from my tortured nose after reading this post on what is possibly the best warning label ever written.
The fact that I'm usually the one doing the laundry at my house may or
may not have anything to do with my enjoyment of this particular item...
posted by Harvey at 10:18:01 PM permalink HOME
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SHE'S A BAD GIRL...
...with a good guitar. Lego hM will rock your world!
posted by Harvey at 10:10:47 PM permalink HOME
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RALPH NADER CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
In an effort to help Ralph Nader spoil yet another Democrat's chance at
the White House, I'm offering this top 10 list of Ralph Nader campaign
slogans.
10) I kept Gore out of the White House. You owe me.
9) Because I'm not crack-monkey crazy like Kucinich
8) Freedom. Progress. Prosperity. BAH!
7) NADER = Notorious American Deranged Environmentalist Radical
6) I will destroy all corporations! MUAHAHAHAHA!... For information on
how your corporation can donate to my campaign, visit, www.nader2004.org
5) NADER = Nearing Another December of Endless Recounts
4) I'll stop the terrorists before they corporate.
3) Acting Frencher than John Kerry looks.
2) I destroyed the Corvair, I can destroy the SUV!
1) ATTENTION ALL DEMOCRATS: Give me $200,000 in small, unmarked bills or I'll stay on the ballot.
Go get 'em, Ralphie. Mheh.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:44:52 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.
posted by Harvey at 12:29:21 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[If you get this dollar, you will have good luck 4 ever]
Ya know, I just can't help thinking that if Frank J had one of these, he might've won his own contest...
posted by Harvey at 12:27:08 AM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 02, 2004
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PLASTIC DOESN'T USUALLY TURN ME ON, BUT...
Between the fishnet stockings and the perky cleavage, I'm finding Lego LeeAnn irresistable.
posted by Harvey at 11:59:35 PM permalink HOME
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IF YOU READ THE IMAO SITE BACKWARDS, IT SAYS "FRANK IS DEAD"
J of Quibbles & Bits takes Frank J. to the Afterlife.
The good news - Frank meets Donald Rumsfeld.
The bad news - Frank meets Chomps.
Set down the beverage & take a peek (3-5 minute reading time).
UPDATE (3-3-04 10:30PM): For the young'uns who don't get the reference in the post title, go here.
posted by Harvey at 11:58:45 PM permalink HOME
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DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
via Teresa of Technicalities, I found out that tallglassofmilk (actually tall glass of yummy blonde) of Drink This is having some financial difficulties,
and it looks pretty rough on her end. I don't know the lady personally,
but Teresa likes her, and since I know Teresa's got good taste in
bloggers, that's good enough for me.
I couldn't afford to make her car payment, but I figured the least I could do was skip my bowling night to put a little gas in her tank.
I'll let someone else help with the feminine hygiene products.
But do help if you can.
posted by Harvey at 11:55:31 PM permalink HOME
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WHY JOEY IS SO COOL
Well, it's not because of his personal hygiene
There is a young man in Arizona
Who has a less than a pleasant aroma.
You'd say, "What the he[ll],
is that terrible smell?"
And, "why don't you get some cologne-a?"
But he does have a great hat, and you have to admire a guy who has the guts to come out of the closet as a sandwisexual.
posted by Harvey at 11:51:32 PM permalink HOME
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EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MOVIES BUT WERE TOO BUSY RENTING DVD'S TO ASK
Susie reveal more mysterious movie theater secrets.
Find out about movie screen construction, where that sound comes from,
and why your nipples are rock hard when you watch Finding Nemo.
posted by Harvey at 11:47:33 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, March 01, 2004
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KING OF THE BLOGS ROUND 1 WINNERS
are:
Ecumenical Insanity: 38.875
Walloworld: 38.5
Irritable Blog Syndrome: 37.625
The complete scores & reviews can be found in the proclamation post at the KotB site, including.
Susie - who gave the short version.
Rick - well, either he had gas
pains or he was sitting on something pointy when he wrote his reviews,
'cuz he was just a short-tempered little crab-apple this week.
Andrew - still stuffy,
although he seems to have loosened his tie ever-so-slightly this week.
And I give the man a huge frown for dinging Miniluv for stocking his
Presidential cabinet with "bloggers unknown to most". This may be true,
but he provided supporting linkage, so if the bloggers stayed unknown to you, that was your own choice.
Pietro - Thoughtful reviews, and mostly
not stuffy. In fact, I think that's his tie over there, hanging on the
lampshade. However, he dinged WalloWorld for not explaining his choice
of interview question in the Challenge. *sigh* That's what the link
is for, Pietro. I didn't get Bill's little gag either until I clicked
and found out that Chris Matthews asked John Kerry about his favorite
movie. Quite ironic that Pietro explains his OWN little joke with a
link.
By the way, the Connie Chung - bitch joke was reference to an interview that Chung did with Newt Gingrich's mom,
where she used that "just whisper to me" line, and mom said that Newt
said that Hillary was a bitch. Now THAT could've used a link.
A personal note to Mike of Miniluv:
I think you screwed yourself badly by not answering all the parts of
the challenge question. However, I also think you're a really talented
writer and you should consider throwing your hat back into the ring.
Just try being a little more international to appease the stuffy guy.
Anyway, my brilliant observations are below:
IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Perfectly formatted, straight to the point with just
enough intro. Tells who, what question, what a yes would mean, what a
no would mean and then stops writing. I've never enjoyed reading a
non-humorous post so much.
BAD POINTS: Could have linked the list of non-interview targets to
informative pages for the sake of readers younger and stupider than
myself.
SCORE: 9.5
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Makes point after excellent point. Even better, I don't feel pre10tious anymore
BAD POINTS: Didn't link that nasty Kuro5hin post that started it all, thus depriving readers of a reference point. Please be more thoughtful of the ignorant in the future.
SCORE: 9.5
LOBOWALK
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: The positively lyrical phrase, "pull out my S&W .40
and plant a cap in [Osama's] grill". Also excellent Google-baiting with
the gratuitous Timberlake reference.
BAD POINTS: Started out by admitting he didn't know the answer.
*sigh* How can you expect to be a brutal, tyrannical monarch if
you show weakness like that? IRON FIST, man!
SCORE: 8
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Intriguing topic paragraph – ideological irony as illustrated by gay marriage.
BAD POINTS: Decided NOT to discuss ideological irony, but forgot to
change the lead paragraph. Then mixed 2 topics - the Federal Marriage
Amendment's effects on Bush's polling and hetero marriage's societal
value – that would've been better discussed in separate posts. Also, I
read that last sentence in the entry 10 times, and I have NO idea what
it was supposed to say.
SCORE: 7
WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Beautifully, subtly, and understatedly sarcastic, and for
the first time in his life, he didn't blather on needlessly. Although I
was worried about his lack of narcissism, since he didn't link himself, he did
manage to talk about himself even though it had NOTHING to do with the
post. Excellent Royal self-absorption. Nice name-dropping, too.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Made his point using relevant linkage and supporting
quotes. His ability to stay on point has improved remarkably since his
first bloody and brutal campaign for the throne.
BAD POINTS: At some point forgot that the topic was advertising aimed
at the 8 & under crowd. What do beer commercials have to do with
that? Also forgot to link himself. Where's the narcissism, my liege?
SCORE: 8
ECUMENICAL INSANITY
(challenge)[full text at KotB]
GOOD POINTS: Answered the question right away instead of mucking about
with an intro. Refreshing change of pace from most entries. Bonus for
use of the word "snotless". Nice touch at the end, asking about the
veracity of the response.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10
(submitted)[2-24 CTRL+F "explodes"]
GOOD POINTS: A rarity – a tastefully restrained fisking. The snappy
sarcasm was well-mixed with insightful questions & valid points.
This is a difficult format which easily devolves into tedium, but
Athanasius rises to the challenge. Bonus for the phrase "faster than a
professional wrestler getting a script re-write from Vince McMahon"
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10
MINILUV
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Delicious, spot-on Bill & Ted parody theme. Kudos for an amazing job.
BAD POINTS: It kills me to have to ding for this, but last 2 parts of the challenge question weren't answered.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: I doff my hat to your comedic genius. Brother, that post
rocked. "I intend on giving France back to Germany" *snicker*
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10
BLOG SUPPLEMENT
(challenge)[It's at the top, headed by "Challenge 2"]
GOOD POINTS: mmmm… hot Connie Chung… *ahem* anyway, bonus for
having the moxy to pick someone fairly obscure for the interview. I
wonder if anyone under the age of 30 got that one. Heh. I love being
old.
BAD POINTS: that "whisper" & "bitch" part could've used supportive
linkage. I barely remembered that Mrs. Gingrich interview, but it was
easy to Google. Help your readers enjoy your material with relevant
links.
SCORE: 9
(submitted)[2-17, CTRL+F "joplin"]
GOOD POINTS: Excellent slice of life story. Well told. I felt like I was there.
BAD POINTS: Really could've used supportive linkage (and correct
spelling) on O'Donoghue. If you're not sure about something, Google is
your friend.
SCORE: 8
posted by Harvey at 10:32:46 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You took my hand and lead me to a staircase to the stars.
posted by Harvey at 7:35:47 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[Scuba Steve]
I don't know for sure how Steve got his nickname, but I'm guessing it was from putting his face in wet places where it's hard to breathe.
posted by Harvey at 7:34:09 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME SYMPHONY #13
is up at Ambient Irony. Looking for goodies, I was reminded of Susie's Ode to Glenn.
As it did the first time I read it, this just tickles me. It's only 3
verses, so I'm stealing it whole. If you like it, click over to the
Prac. Pen. Palace & giggle into the nice lady's comments (which is not a euphemism for anything):
'Tis seldom that mere mortal man,
enrobed in blurple ermine
does drink as often as he can
a cup of blended vermin.
Nay! rather puppies doth he blend
to sate his evil cravings
and hobos bring to bloody end
with epithets and ravings.
Lo, he comes, the Instaman
with linkage foul, yet treasured--
to robot dance when e'er he can...
true evilness, unmeasured.
I love good poetry. It makes me feel all weak-willed & slutty.
Huh?
Ok, more so than usual.
posted by Harvey at 6:26:00 PM permalink HOME
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ABOUT RADAR RIDER
The trouble with blogging under a pseudonym is that your gender may not
be easily discernable to your readers. This may not seem too terribly
important, but there are a couple times when such information is good
to know.
First, if you're reading a pseudonymous blogger, it helps to know
whether your comments should be flirty or friendly. A misstep here is
awkward, to say the least:
"Nice boobs"
"I'm a guy"
"Well, uh, I meant that they'd be nice if you shaved them"
The other problem is, if you're linking, you need to know which pronoun
to use. There's probably nothing worse than for BloggerX to follow a
trackback and see something like, "BloggerX just posted his best entry
EVER! He was really in top form!" if BloggerX is female (back me up on
this one, hM).
Radar Rider presented a similar problem recently when I did that bit on going into blogroll-shock. No obvious gender self-identification references in any posts I scanned.
So I did the diplomatic thing and suggested an "About Me" post. Well, it's up now, and begins as follows:
I'm a 30-something computer geek who lives in the Pacific Northwet [sic]
It goes on from there, but gender identification isn't explicit. So let's look at some cluing phrases:
I live with a wonderful woman.
Hmmm... might be a man. Could be a lesbian. Might be both, like Trey. Let's keep looking:
I really only became "politically aware" in the last four or five years
and it's rather interesting to note how much I have come to agree with
my father's views. The older I get, the more I look like him so I guess
it's not surprising that I think more like him as well.
Hmmm... looks like dad... probably a guy. But could be a particularly butch lesbian. Unlike Trey.
Well, we'll go with the guy theory until proven otherwise. Meanwhile, Mr.
Rider, go ahead & put a permalink to that post in your sidebar so
that nosy people can find out more about the man who has the SUPER sweet gaming set up:
- CPU: Athlon 2800+
- RAM: 1 GB Corsair SDRAM
- MB: Asus A7N8X Deluxe with nVidia nForce2 chipset and SoundStorm digital audio plus two integrated network adapters
- Video: ATi Radeon 9800 Pro with 128 MB RAM
- HD's: One 120 GB Western Digital Ultra ATA and one 40 GB Maxtor Ultra ATA
- Optical: One Asus DVD-ROM drive and one Plextore CD-RW drive
- Power Supply: Antec TrueBlue 480W with lighted fans
- Case: Antec/Chenming-style aluminum case with window
- Monitor: Viewsonic VX800 18" LCD flat panel at 1280x1024
- Mouse: Logitech MX500 optical mouse
- Keyboard: Microsoft Natural Keyboard Pro
- Joystick: Microsoft Sidewinder Force Feedback
- Additional: Antec 80mm blue LED fan on CPU heatsink with
adapter, two blue LED fans in the front of the case, and a cold cathode
light that I never use because the LED fans light up the interior just
fine
Y'all excuse me while I mop up the drool.
posted by Harvey at 6:19:19 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 5:04:40 PM.
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