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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

"Tact is a stranger to you. I like that." - Chris Muir - Day By Day

"The man is a FREAK and a WEIRDO!" - Vigilance Matters

"The nicest thing about having Harvey around is that he makes the raincoat flashers look suave." - Rocket Jones

"...a very, very sick person." - She Who Will Be Obeyed

"pervert of renown extraordinare" - Practical Penumbra

"He's a really nice guy even if he is a little bit weird and creepy sometimes." - Reflections in d minor

"Curmudgeonly Old Coot" - BigStick.US

"Mr. Bad Example" - Straight White Guy

"Shpxurnq!!1!" - The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon

"infamous den of rum, buggery, the lash, and pirate pickup lines" - ErosBlog




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Bad Money

  Friday, April 30, 2004



If I could come back as anything
It would be as one of your tears.
How could I want more
Than to be conceived in your heart,
Born in your eye,
Live on your cheek,
And die on your lips.

posted by Harvey at 11:17:35 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm not positive, but I think it's Arabic for "".

posted by Harvey at 10:50:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Filthy Lie Round-up: The Glenn Look

Friday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie assignment: What was Evil Glenn's first post?

posted by Harvey at 10:34:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


When you see a picture like that, how can you help but caption it like this?:

Glenn is stoned
and high on drugs
he should learn
to give more hugs

It's just kinda creepy that Glenn only has 3 fingers on each hand like some kind of cartoon character

His gaze fixated on his canine quarry, Glenn SLOOOOOOWLY reached for his Pocket Blend-o-Matic

Every year, Glenn moved his eyebrows further down his forehead. In 2006, he would finally achieve his dream of having the world's bushiest eyelashes. The Maybelline contract would be his. Yes it would.

Glenn "Shorty" Reynolds proves the old wives' tale about what you can tell about a man from the length of his fingers.

They didn't sell any T-shirts, but sales of Road Kill Possum brand toupees went through the roof.

I... gotta... go... so.. BAD!

Proceeds from the sales of this T-shirt will be donated to the "Buy Glenn a Belt So He Doesn't Have To Hold Up His Pants With His Hands" fund.

"I see dead people"

As the car bore down on him, Glenn just stood in the middle of the road, staring at the pretty headlights.

Glenn Reynolds' entry in the Mr. American Hottie contest, while bringing the gift of laughter to millions, still wound up finishing behind Urkel in a thong.

Glenn says, "Buy this T-shirt and you'll always remember which side is "left".

18 reasons why Glenn, while still a ruthless, puppy-blending, hobo-murdering megalomaniac, isn't ALL bad.

Chekhov called - he wants his hair back.

Having lost most of his fingers in a tragic blogging accident, Glenn sank to T-shirt modeling on his path to rock bottom, finally ending up as a boy toy in a Bangkok brothel.


posted by Harvey at 7:38:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



What do I do first?

Meanwhile, why don't you guys keep playing over there. God knows a good hippy never stops protesting just because the point over which he's protesting is now moot. The Bartender's comment party hit 312. I woudn't mind 313.

And would SOMEBODY put a link to booby pictures in there somewhere? Don't hippies protest naked anymore?


No, a naked QWYJIBO doesn't count.

P.S. I had this all typed up this morning and forgot to hit post because I was distracted by a shiny object as I was reaching for the mouse.

posted by Harvey at 7:17:44 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, April 29, 2004



You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after they're sweaty.

posted by Harvey at 10:06:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Harpo's Lounge, 4210 Thomas, Memphis TN 38127, 901-357-8005]

It's kinda like Hooters, except instead of hot chicks in tank tops shoving their boobs in your face, they've got guys in curly red wigs & top hats honking bicycle horns at you.

posted by Harvey at 10:04:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


is up at WOLves. The entry that caught my eye this week was from John of Greenie Watch, where he expressed shock and dismay at the notion that it's becoming trendy to not put diapers on your infants. Given the quote from the no-diaper-dad, I can see why:

"In my mind, diapers became the symbol of the Evil Empire of Western Parenting in which babies must suffer to accommodate the needs of their parents' broken-continuum culture: a controlled, sterile, odorless, wall-to-wall carpeted fortress in which to live with the illusion of dominion over nature," wrote Noelle [...] "How I longed for a simple, dirt-floored, baby-friendly hut like that of a Yequana family,"

That last line makes blood pour into my eyes. This ignorant pile of crap has no idea what he's wishing for. Were I a genie, I'd be tempted to give it to him, just to watch him suffer.

The bugs, the murderous weather, the disease, the parasites, dangerous wild animals, poison snakes & spiders.

Yeah, eat it up shithead.

I hope something crawls out of your "dirt floor" & lays eggs in your nutsack.


posted by Harvey at 9:46:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In the comments to my "why are these people on my blogroll" post, I sensed a certain degree of discontent with the load time for my site. And the busted comments. And the inoperative trackbacks. And the unmemorizable URL.

Some people think I should get a nice MuNu blog, so I'll tell you what. If you folks are going to whine like a bunch of liberals, you might as well act like them, too. Go ahead & have a nice sit-in protest in the comments to this post.

If it gets to 100, and if Pixy will still have me, and if the Bartender's offer to help me move is still good. I'll go.

Naked protesters welcome.

posted by Harvey at 8:47:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, April 28, 2004


Filthy Lie Reminder: What's Glenn looking at? OR caption this picture.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: SCANDAL!

New PGH: Improving Kerry's Website

posted by Harvey at 11:23:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Love has many meanings, but the only one that fits is you.

posted by Harvey at 7:08:50 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Who's Your Daddy?]

Presidential Fun Fact (with apologies to Jen):

In 1864, Lincoln modified the Gettysburg Address slightly during a campaign stop in San Francisco.

posted by Harvey at 7:06:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Documents discovered in Iraq recently have uncovered the shocking discovery that hundreds the UN's Oil for Food program is rife with corruption.

Who could've guessed?

Ok, everybody, but as more documents are discovered and translated, we can expect further revelations. I anticipate the following will soon come to light:

Secret genetic experiments, most of which went horribly wrong.

DNA tests prove Jacques Chirac is Uday's real father.

The "mobile weapons labs" were actually carrying Saddam's secret supply of inflatable sheep. (SFW)

Video tapes proving that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers (Ok, I got that one from the Weekly World News).

Michael Moore's love letters to a camel with a Britney-Spears-shaped birthmark.

Naked pictures of Helen Thomas. (SFW)

Proof that the Iraqi Information Minister, Baghdad Bob, was the ghost-writer for "Bowling for Columbine."

Yellow legal pad covered with the words "Kerry '04" in Saddam's handwriting.

Proof that Russia, China, France and Germany conspired to award the Miss Universe crown to Miss Iraq, despite the fact that the rules clearly indicated that she should be disqualified for excessive back hair.

Documents showing that, despite claims to the contary, Bill Clinton clearly knew what the meaning of the word "is" was.

A short e-mail from CNN: "Don't worry, we won't tell anyone."

Saddam's secret plan for acquittal at his upcoming trial:
1) practice golf swing
2) buy gloves 2 sizes too small
3) drive slow

Memo claiming that Saddam never had WMD's. There was merely a translation error. What he said was that he had "a dreadful social disease".


posted by Harvey at 6:35:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Fun Things To Do When Watching Lord Of The Rings:

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL....NOT..... PASS!"

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mister Ander- son."

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and re-enact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

11. When the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

22. As Frodo is standing, hesitating to drop the ring, yell 'Get on with it!'

23. When the armies attack the massive elephant creatures, start griping loudly about how it's a blatant rip-off of Star Wars and the battle with the walkers on Endor.

24. Insist you can spot William Wallace in the scene right before the final battle charge.

25. Insist Gandalf is played by Jean Luc Picard, who has no real magic, just some decent melee skills, and incredible futuristic knowledge of how everything seems to work.

posted by Harvey at 7:58:33 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, April 27, 2004


at On The Fritz this week. Normally there's something either horrifically bad or terrifically good. This time, it's pure, bland mediocrity from start to finish. From the dull, pale, uninspired introductions lacking all but the lamest of put-downs, to the endless series of half-hearted, tepid, vanilla-decaf posts, this week's Bonfire proves that the opposite of "good" isn't "bad", it's "eh, it'll do".

The worst... well, ok, mediumest - of the lot would probably be Classical Values take on some Mepis computer thingy or whatever the hell he was babbling about. I pulled a muscle from all the intense not caring I did while perusing this post. Don't read it unless Eric pays you money, or unless your first reaction WASN'T "Hey, he misspelled "Memphis"".

posted by Harvey at 11:59:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Do you believe in God?]

Hmmm... not sure... ask me again on a fifty.

posted by Harvey at 11:54:26 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... and as instantaneously to feel an overwhelming conviction, that with that fair form, our destinies must be entwined... this is love.

posted by Harvey at 11:38:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Goldie of Drama Queen asks "what is it about other blogs that makes you add them to your blogroll?"

I haven't done a whole-blogroll linkfest in... well, ever, so here we go:

Day By Day - Excellent comic by Chris Muir that is at least clever when it's not LOL funny, unlike some syndicated heavyweights *cough*Doonesbury*cough*. He's also looking to get syndicated, so I gave him pole position to get him a little more attention.
ErosBlog - Found that one in my referrer logs (or possibly Technorati... I forget). After I found myself checking back frequently (just for the articles, mind you), I thought I'd keep the link handy

Vigilance Matters - Met Marty during the King of the Blogs Tournament. He blogrolled me and called me names & then had the nerve to ask for a link. I put him on, since he's so completely full of... whatever the opposite of bullshit is... and doesn't have a PC bone in his body.

Blown Fuse - First met Tiffany in the New Blog Showcase. Lost track of her for a while, but then she entered the King of the Blogs Tournament. Got hooked on that quirky, amusing, edge-of-murder style of hers. Pretty pictures of herself all over the place didn't hurt, either.

Single White Male - Discovered Joey during the early days of the Alliance. He had some good filthy lies and some mad photo-editing skillz. I kept going back for his weekly question contests. I'll do anything for a dollar.

USS Clueless - Steven is a carry-over from my pre-blogging days. Cogent, well-written, informative, objective analysis of... well, everything. His cold engineer's eye lends level-headed perspective to a lot of topics I normallly only see written about in emotional terms elsewhere.

King of the Blogs - I met Nick via the Alliance and he asked me to be a judge for the tournament. I accepted on a temporary basis which has lasted about 6 months now.

Cox & Forkum - The kind of raw power and truth that single-panel political cartoons were meant to be. Why they're not yet syndicated is beyond my comprehension.

IMAO - Another pre-blogging carryover. Just plain damn coffee-spitting funny. One of the few blogs that I ever delved into the archives of, just because missing a single In My World is a crime.

Boots & Sabers - Competed against them when I entered the New Blog Showcase. I kept going back because Owen is the best damn source I know of for Wisconsin political news.

Practical Penumbra - Susie spotted me in the New Blog Showcase and became my first habitual commenter. I stopped by and saw her having sexual fantasies about men in kilts, so I was hooked. I love horny women.

Blackfive - Voted for him in the New Blog Showcase. Started checking him out after he left a particularly amusing comment to this post, and got hooked on his no-nonsense military opinions.

Madfish Willie - Mike was a long-time blog commenter who made the mistake of haunting my comments. I poked him with a sharp stick until he got a place of his own.

Angelweave - Heather was a big help during the early days of the Great Blog War. That and some quality toe-porn.

Reflections in d minor - Found Lynn via the New Blog Showcase, and was just blown away by the quality of her writing.

Note-It Posts - First noticed Dana during Frank J's first permalink contest. After that she started showing up in my Technorati link cosmos. I was so flattered by all the attention, I started checking her out, fell madly in love, and blogrolled her. At which point she got shy, ran away, and hid for a week, although to this day she still claims it was technical difficulties.

Mike the Marine - he was a chronic blog commenter that I'd seen EVERYWHERE, and a lot of people tried to get him to start his own blog. Rumor has it I gave him the final back-breaking nudge. He probably just wanted me to shut up.

Jen Lars - Public Enemy #1 during the start of the Great Blog War. I was forever stopping by to see what naughtiness she was up to, so I decided to keep her link handy.

homicidalManiak - I knew of her from her work with the Alliance, started keeping an eye on her when she was having some family problems, and just developed the hM habit.

Technicalities - Another chronic blog-commenter who popped up everywhere I went. She pissed me off by leaving one of the best things I've ever read hidden in Baldilocks's comments, so I posted it, told her how wonderful she was, and nagged her until she got her own place. It's amazing the lengths people will go to in order to shut me up.

Drama Queen - Saw Goldie here & there via the Carnival of the Vanities, flirted with her at Madfish Willie's comment party, and decided I couldn't live without her.

There's One, Only! - Spotted GEBIV in my referer logs, and there really wasn't much to see except for one post that caught my eye wherein he referred to me and Frank J. as his "blog heroes". WOW! People in the next state could hear my head swelling. After he joined the Alliance, it turned out that he had an amazing and previously hidden talent for humor writing. When he started posting more than just the twice-weekly Alliance assignments, I blogrolled him so I wouldn't miss anything.

American Digest - Found Mr. V in the New Blog Showcase. He has at least as much talent as Lileks for turning a mind-stopping phrase. Too good not to read daily.

Wizbang - I'd seen him linked in numerous places, so I was familiar with Kevin's work, but I picked up the Wizbang habit after he started the Bonfire of the Vanities. How can you NOT love a guy who will willingly link to your suckiest post of the week?

Quibbles & Bits - I read a lot of Josh's stuff via the Carnival of the Vanities, and got hooked. He's like Stephen King without the funny New England accent.

Trey Givens - Worst New Blog Showcase entry I ever read. Just hated it. Then one day Susie linked to something of his that was really good. I looked at some of his other stuff and decided he was a keeper.

Cheese Stands Alone - I knew about LeeAnn for a long time because everyone was stealing her quizzes. Then one day I was bored and read her entire front page. Hooked.

BigStick.US - Jeff & Tom came to my attention via the Alliance. They hated France & told good stories. What more do you need?

Frizzen Sparks - Graumagus joined the Alliance and started belting out some of the best assignments I ever read. He's scary good when he gets his funny on and he's got a nasty sense of humor that I just love.

Physics Geek - I only blogrolled him as part of the Alliance Blog Buddy program, but it turns out he has a good nose for interesting links, so I moved him up to the regular blogroll. That, and he's an A+ brewmeister.

Closet Extremist - Johnny-Oh was a silent lurker on my blog for a few months. Then he worked up the nerve to leave a comment. He was so annoying I had to kick him out to his own blog. Apparently he had a lower tolerance for my incessant nagging than most people, since he was gone in less than a week.

Snooze Button Dreams
- Every time I saw his link in the Carnival of the Vanities, there was always something good at the other end. But whenever it came time to blogroll him, I always got distracted by some shiny object. I finally managed a permalink when I was having one of my "bright days".

We Swear - I first came across _Jon via a poem he left in a comment to one of Frank J's posts. Then he let me post something of his that was so good that The Emperor gave it one of his coveted "go read this now" links. I was itching to have him start his own blog, but he had a legitimate excuse for not doing so. When he finally went public with his site, I couldn't get him on the roll fast enough. I do wish he'd post more of his stellar political rants, though.

Straight White Guy - Started checking him out after having a great time with him at Madfish Willie's comment party. Just a great guy to shoot the shit with.

The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler - Another pre-blogging carry-over. Emperor Misha is the BEST at tearing new assholes into deserving fuckwits. That kind of unapologetic pro-Americanism is all too rare and deserves to be celebrated and cherished when found.

Pepper of the Earth - Although it's technically a partner blog, I go mostly for Linus's writing. I found him via the New Blog Showcase and liked his stuff. Then I forgot about him. But he kept showing up in my referrer logs, so I kept going back and I kept enjoying what I read. Eventually I decided I didn't want to miss anything, so he went on the blogroll.

PhotoDude - Another pre-blogging carry-over. Reid is a very talented photographer, and he has a very grounded-in-reality take on subjects political. I don't always agree with his views, but he always makes respectable and well-reasoned arguments. Lots of passion, but very little venom, which is somewhat rare in the blogosphere.

Little Tiny Lies (now Hog On Ice) - I honestly don't remember how I first came across Steven. Somebody's blogroll, I think. He's hilarious and insightful in alternating turns, so it didn't take me long to decide to make him a daily read.

micro Day Weblog
- I checked my referrer logs one day and discovered that a blog in Latvia had picked up one of my graffiti currency pictures. This amused me to no end, since the blog wasn't even in English, so I wrote a post about it. Several months after that, one of the Latvians who was passably fluent in English offered to translate the post for me. After that, I decided to keep an eye on the place. I don't understand most of it, because it's written in Latvian, but occasionally, I'll still find a funny picture or a link to something in English. Part of it is also sentimental reasons, since I'm a veteran of the Cold War, and played a tiny part in getting Latvia out from under Russia's thumb. It's kinda cool watching freedom sprout in an Iron Curtain country.

The Ecosystem - pure vanity. I want to see how much better I am than everybody else.

Truth Laid Bear - Besides running the Ecosystem, the Bear is also a blogger of no small talent. Worth the read on the all-too-rare occasions that he posts.

Technorati Profile - more vanity. I want to see who's talking about me.

Manual Trackback
- since I have dysfunctional blogging software, and Susie's a ping-addict, I keep this tool handy. It's cumbersome and time-consuming, so I use it only rarely, but it's a necessary evil.

So, to sum up... if you want to get on my blogroll, either:

Be a talented writer
Submit to the Carnival of the Vanities regularly
Complete a lot of Alliance assignments (and be funny while doing it)
Haunt my comments
Flirt with me (chicks only)

Of course, at this point, it's very tough to make my blogroll any more, since it's my daily read list, and it's getting tough to fit the whole thing in as it is. But you never know.

By the way, I linked this one up in a hurry. If any of the links are misdirected, please say something.

posted by Harvey at 7:39:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, April 26, 2004



You burned me with your brightness, like baby stars, and now I am forever branded with your love.

posted by Harvey at 11:01:36 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Contrary to popular belief, Bill Clinton was NOT America's first redneck President.

posted by Harvey at 10:59:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Dogs' letters to God:

    * Dear God,
    Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

    * Dear God,
    When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

    * Dear God,
    Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

    * Dear God,
    If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

    * Dear God,
    We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

    * Dear God,
    More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

    * Dear God,
    When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

    * Dear God,
    Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

    * Dear God,
    Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
    - I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
    - I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
    - I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
    - The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    - The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom's and Dad's laps.
    - The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
    - My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
    - I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
    - I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
    - Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
    - I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
    - I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
    - I will not throw up in the car.
    - I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
    - I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
    - The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

    * Dear God,
    May I have my testicles back?

posted by Harvey at 9:26:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


_Jon of We Swear links to some pictures from the Iraqi war zone. Some are visually striking, some are frighteningly graphic.

I looked at all of them.


Because I was in favor of this war. I banged the drums loudly to encourage it to happen and argued fervently that it was necessary.

These pictures, as disturbing as they are, are part of the price paid to pursue this course of action. I will not deny them. I will not ignore them. If I want to go around saying "See?" when the Marines pull down Saddam's statues, I have to be willing to own these events too.

But despite the high price being paid by some of the people pictured, I'm still of the mind that the course America is following is imperative, and that, in the long run, more lives will be saved than lost.

I wish there were a bloodless course of action that would accomplish the same thing, but there isn't, so I have to live with this. It sickens me that this path was thrust upon us by ruthless Islamic murderers who have no concept of a civilized way of life, but I will not shrink from the road ahead. The primitive minds of the Middle East MUST be dragged - kicking and screaming, if necessary into the 21st century, where the currency of interpersonal relations is money and persuasion, not terror and murder. This MUST end. They MUST lose. And we MUST see it through until that happens.

And I will accept the price that must be paid as my responsibility.

posted by Harvey at 9:06:50 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Some things in life are optional, like passing a semi on the right while leaning out the window screaming, "you drive like my f****** grandma!"

Other things are mandatory, like drinking beer when engaged in certain activities. Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist has a short list of beer-mandatory activities:

Auto Racing
Let him know if he missed any.

Like "in the driveway engine replacements" or "ogling stripper boobies".

posted by Harvey at 9:03:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jeevan, who, I assume is the poor schmuck pulling the night shift at Haloscan, was the first person to leave a comment on the new comment system. Unfortunately, he left a corporate link instead of his blog link, so it's probably not going to give him too much of a warm fuzzy.

Dana of Note-It Posts was #2, but she doesn't mind sloppy seconds. Besides, she's a pretty girl with a nice rack, which gives me an excuse to say something dirty, i.e. a reason to live. So let's look at the very first post in her archives:

12 Partygoers Killed in Patio Collapse

I saw this report on CNN, including similar porches in the area that were still standing. How anyone could have reasonably expected "dozens" of people to safely fit on that patio is beyond me, but maybe those plastic cups were filled with more than punch. Hints have already been made at suing the apartment owners (isn't that always the first response?), but I think the survivors should face some kind of endangerment charges.

First, I'm surprised and impressed that she came out of the gate running full speed. No "Look! I have a blog!" for America's #1 pin-up girl. But I still find news story selection telling. Reading carefully between the lines, we see:

"dozens of people... on... me... filled... more than... face"

Obviously Dana has some deeply repressed orgy fantasies. We'll have to see what we can do about that.

posted by Harvey at 8:28:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


is up at The Owner's Manual. Lovely Simpsons theme with more Homer quotes than you can shake a stick at. Best of the lot, of course, was Frank J's interview with Condi Rice.

And I feel obligated to mention that The Smallest Minority's entry, with nominations for the 2008 Presidential administration was a steaming pile of crap that belonged in the Bonfire of the Vanities.

Nothing personal, just that I wasn't nominated as the Secretary of the Treasury, which is just plain bullshit. You people are BLIND!

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?

posted by Harvey at 8:00:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Fixed the link in Susie's Blogiversary present. Sorry about that :-(

posted by Harvey at 6:36:51 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, April 25, 2004


Well, the "e-mail comments" feature never came back on. The thread in the discussion forum consisted of me & a sweet girl who was also getting screwed over. Both posts have been sitting there for almost a week, and not a peep of help from anyone.

Thanks for the support, Radio.

Anyway, I enabled Haloscan comments. It's the one that says "Comments". I kept the Radio comments enabled, just so I could keep all the old comments around for posterity, but I labeled them appropriately. I'm not going to check them anymore, so don't use them unless you don't want me to know what you said, because OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to get an e-mail about it...


I already paid for the upgrade, so very soon Haloscan will be letting me know what you fine folks are saying.

Gratuitous linkage to the person who pops my Haloscan comment cherry.

posted by Harvey at 10:43:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Those times we are temporarily holding each other close are the times I would like to permanently stay.

posted by Harvey at 10:01:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday. This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday... only 990 more & I can sleep in the bed again... This is NOT an acceptable substitute for actual flowers on your wife's birthday...

posted by Harvey at 9:59:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If I didn't know better, I'd swear Johnny-Oh wrote this one. I'll give you five. Go get the rest yourself:

Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

posted by Harvey at 12:42:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


No class, no talent, no writing skills and certainly no abilty to pour a drink that's less than 180 proof... if water were alcohol, that is.

It's the Bartender's birthday, and he needs some help cleaning up his dust-farts, so let's see... what to get him...


Here ya go. (safe for work)

And the virtual beer is on the way. Check your shark's tip jar. Happy Birthday, ya crotchety old bastard.

Everybody stop by Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon and give the man a friendly "Fuck you, Bartender!"

posted by Harvey at 12:33:52 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

SUSIE'S BLOGIVERSARY PRESENT (Take 2: now with the right link (4-26-04 6:30am)

For Susie.

If you're not either a woman or a guy who's very secure in his masculinity, don't click that.

Probably don't want to click it at work either.

And DEFINITELY don't download the video (CTRL+F "video sample")

posted by Harvey at 12:19:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Owen of Boots & Sabers is having a discussion on the terms the abortion debate has been cast into in this country. He makes a good argument that the "pro-choice" and "pro-life" labels suck, because their opponents are clearly not as broadly "anti-choice" and "anti-life" as the labels would suggest.

After mulling over a few other terms, like “pro-choiceforwomentohaveanabortion", Owen thinks "pro-abortion" and "anti-abortion" are pretty good, since:

Abortion is a fairly clearly defined act whereby a fetus is removed from the womb for purposes other than being born (I tried to say that as neutrally as possible).  One side of the debate supports abortion being legal and the other side supports making abortion illegal.  One side finds abortion to be an acceptable act and the other side finds abortion to be reprehensible.  Since everything revolves around this question of abortion, it makes the most sense to me to call the two sides “pro-abortion” and “anti-abortion.”

But I think even that misses the mark. Anti-abortion is perfect, but pro-abortion... eh... it makes it sound like those people prefer abortion to birth. I think the real split is between "life begins conception" and "life begins at birth", which are the root of the arguments. In fact, it's not even really about that, since it's fairly obvious that, chemically and genetically, conception is where the new entity is created. Rather, the whole wrangle is about whether society as a whole would be better off if the constitutional protections provided to citizens of America were provided beginning at conception, or beginning at birth, or somewhere in between. Since each option carries with it its own costs and benefits when it comes to legal enforcement, it's something society as a whole has to come to terms with somewhere along the spectrum.

So the most accurate term would be probably be pro- & anti "full legal protection of individual rights beginning at conception", but since that rolls off the tongue like a bucket of porcupines, I'll let you call it whatever you want.

posted by Harvey at 11:55:21 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I promised gratuitous linkage to anyone who could pull my quote out of Tiffany's cookbook survey. Susie got it in one, so let's see what I can do...


First, let's look at her first post:

Well, I now have my own blog......what to do with all this power? Write excrutiatingly bad poetry? Whine about my job? Rant about politics?
Ok, all of the above.

Ok, let's look at her second post...

Hmmm... she pledges her undying love for Frank J. of IMAO. Well, that sucks. She never blogs about how much she loves ME. Sure, I'm married & live 500 miles away, but did that stop Marilyn Monroe from shagging Jack Kennedy on the floor of the Oval Office? HELL NO!

Wait... was that even relevant? Nevermind.

Anyway, #3 has her running around naked... or something about no clothes. I'm a little confused.

#4 - Oh, I just LOVE this phrase: "plunk down $$$$ to be inside". Oh yes, Susie, yes I would.

#5 - The ellipsis poem. Seriously, this poem is so good it made me make the acquaintance of a nice Filipino girl. (4-14 comments, and 4-24)

#6 - A nice "I Love Lucy" allusion.

#7 - The first hint of "I should get a laptop for work". So, Susie, are you still seriously looking for one? Should I hold a fundraiser? Perhaps nudge the geeks in my readership to see if they know where to get a used one for cheap?

#8 - I'm sensing archive problems here, since there's only one entry for the entire month of May. A good one about what her brother learned about Wal-Mart in one of his college courses.

#9 - Ah, there they are, in the June archives. That must've been the switch to MuNu. Oh, look. A link to the Blogspot version of Practical Penumbra. And not a drop of pink to be found anywhere.

#10 - Finally, what Practical Penumbra retrospective would be complete without... SUSIE'S BOOBIES!

Was that gratuitous enough for ya, sweetie? ;-)

posted by Harvey at 4:04:23 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Susie's having a contest to find the best "stupid customer" story. I'm not going to win, because, unlike going to a movie theater, opening a bank account involves at least a smattering of intelligence, as it requires filling out paperwork and (at least occasionally) NOT pissing away every red cent that falls into your lap.

The other reason I won't win is that the BEST stories involve the residents of the local... how shall I put this... institution for the mentally challenged?... and I think the point here is to make fun of people who SHOULD know better, but don't bother. So I can't tell you about the guy whose nickname is "Zip" because of his habit of shouting a sincerely cheerful "zippity-do-dah!" after he successfully completes a banking transaction, because that's just bad form.

Nevertheless, out of my deep and abiding love for Susie, I will toss in an anecdote to show my support for her project.

Probably the stupidest customer I ever had was when I was tellering at the drive-thru. She was a regular who came in every month to withdraw her "I'm lazy" government welfare payment which was electronically direct-deposited to her account. One morning, she drove up around 9am and wanted to make a withdrawl of several hundred dollars. I looked her account up on my computer (in full view of her, I might add), and it had about 2 dollars in it. Not surprising, since our bank normally gets the electronic transfers between 10am & 11am. I informed her that her deposit wasn't in yet. She replied something very much like, "Yes it is! My daughter works at a bank and they always get their direct deposits in by 8 o'clock!".

Why is she stupid? Her daughter doesn't work at OUR bank, so what she says is irrelevant. But the big thing is that I JUST LOOKED AT HER DAMN ACCOUNT INFORMATION AND THE MONEY WASN'T THERE! Why does she think that calling me a liar will make the money suddenly appear?

What I did: I told her to please come inside so that she could discuss the matter with one of our customer service representatives. Which she did. And the CSR told her EXACTLY what I told her. For some reason she chose to believe the SECOND person who told her that she was going to stay broke for another 2 hours.

What I didn't do: Scream "DUMBASS!" into the microphone, storm out to her car, and re-enact a variation of that scene from GoodFellas that takes place after the guy tells Joe Pesci "you're funny".

Maybe some other day I'll tell you about the time one of our "special" customers pooped on the floor of our lobby.

posted by Harvey at 2:41:43 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


For various non-interesting reasons, Beloved Wife sent me a link to These folks are cutting-edge PC thought police. Here's a selected quote that makes me giggle (especially the phrase I underlined):

As this guide shows, American English frequently both reflects and reinforces systems of oppression in U.S. society.

For example, a newspaper report describes a local event: "Over a thousand people attended with their wives and children." How does the statement relate to sexism and ageism? What does the statement communicate about who is a person and who is not?

"Bark, Bark" said the moonbat (I'm sorry, that's probably specieist).

Anyway, clicking around I found out that I'm actually a tolerant and diverse kinda guy. They have this list under the 101 Tools for Tolerance section - Ideas for Yourself, and it looks like I'm way ahead of the game. Check it out:

1. Attend a play, listen to music or go to a dance performance by artists whose race or ethnicity is different from your own.
"Purple haze, all in my brain!" Go, Jimi, go!

2. Volunteer at a local social services organization.
I gave some potato chips to a squirrel, which I believe qualifies as "feeding the homeless"

3. Attend services at a variety of churches, synagogues, mosques and temples to learn about different faiths.
I went to a bar that didn't serve Guinness, which is the alcoholic version of this activity.

4. Visit a local senior citizens center and collect oral histories. Donate large-print reading materials and books on tape. Offer to help with a craft project.
That first part sounds like a euphemism for getting a granny blowjob, so I skipped that (married, ya know). However I did a lot of work on the giant macrame penis that was featured prominently in that Onion story.

5.Shop at ethnic grocery stores and specialty markets. Get to know the owners. Ask about their family histories.
That one didn't work so well. The response was "You're gettin' kinda nosy. I'll bet you're wearin' a wire", whereupon I got the crap kicked out of me. Sheesh. Italians.

6. Participate in a diversity program.
If by "participate" you mean "sleep through", then yes.

7. Ask a person of another cultural heritage to teach you how to perform a traditional dance or cook a traditional meal.
Goldie gave me a yummy cheesecake recipe, which I assume is a traditional Australian dish.

8. Learn sign language.
Hell, you're lookin' at the master. I know how to tell somebody "I can certainly understand how, given your background and education, you could hold that particular opinion, but I must respectfully disagree with your conclusion, as I believe you may have fallen prey to a common logical fallacy in this specific instance" with one finger.

9. Take a conversation course in another language that is spoken in your community.
After 5 years of marriage, I'm practically fluent in "female", although I keep the dictionary handy, just in case.

10. Teach an adult to read.
Oh, all the time. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have to teach someone that the words "Bank Hours: 9am to 5pm" means that the front door will be still be locked at 8:30am regardless of how much you tug on the door handle or stare at your watch.

11. Speak up when you hear slurs. Let people know that bias speech is always unacceptable.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the word "slur" as used in this sentence is negatively biased toward musical notes which are played "legato".

12. Imagine what your life might be like if you were a person of another race, gender or sexual orientation. How might "today" have been different?
Let's see... I'm a black lesbian... um... no difference, really. I'd still be licking the alphabet. Beloved Wife wouldn't notice anything, since she's usually blindfolded anyway.

13. Take the How Tolerant are You? A Test of Hidden Bias. Enlist some friends to take this "hidden bias" test with you and discuss the results.
The results show that white people such as myself are oppressing me... Damn me! Damn me all to hell!

14. Take a Civil Rights history vacation. Tour key sites and museums.
Well, I went to the Spam Museum, which is related to the First Amendment right of "Freedom of Meat"... Ok, I didn't actually STOP there, but I do have the brochure.

15. Research your family history. Share information about your heritage in talks with others.
Sweden is cold and Socialist. Grandpa left and came to Wisconsin. Which is also cold and Socialist, but they don't make you draw a line through the letter "o" here, so you save a lot of money on ink.

16. List all the stereotypes you can — positive and negative — about a particular group. Are these stereotypes reflected in your actions?
I'm sorry, could you please rephrase the question so that it DOESN'T make me tilt my head, squint my eyes, and say "Huh?"

17. Think about how you appear to others. List personality traits that are compatible with tolerance (e.g., compassion, curiosity, openness). List those that seem incompatible with tolerance (e.g., jealousy, bossiness, perfectionism).
I read this website without immediately putting the contact e-mail onto a porn-spam mailing list. That's pretty tolerant. On the other hand, I'll probably get around to it after I post this entry.

18. Create a "diversity profile" of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Set the goal of expanding it by next year.
Ok, my blog needs more "readers of color". Or fewer white people. Hmmm... Eric, Joey, you're outta here.

19. Sign the Declaration of Tolerance and return it to:
The National Campaign for Tolerance
400 Washington Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
Washington? He owned slaves! RACIST!

20. Read a book or watch a movie about another culture.
Is porn a culture?

Anyway, go check out the site. Perhaps you, too, will discover that you're more diverserrific and tolerantastic than you thought.

posted by Harvey at 1:52:13 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, April 24, 2004


Outside of spam, few things are more irritating that reading excellent commentary on some news story, clicking the link to read the whole article and being stopped dead in your tracks by some annoying "free registration required" page.

Physics Geek was kind enough to point out a site that lets you sidestep this particular aggravation. It's called You put in your annoying web site of choice (looking YOUR way, New York Times, you bunch of hippie-hugging, recycled toilet paper producing assnuggets), click the magic button, and you're immediately rewarded with working usernames & passwords.

Now all I need is good spam-filtering software, and I'll be a happy man.

Oh... well, I could use more boobie pictures, too.

posted by Harvey at 11:24:01 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Every once in a while I read something that makes me want to go out and punch a stupid person at random because I can't get my hands around the neck of the actual stupid person who pisses me off.

Teresa of Technicalities does a great job of expressing the frustration I feel in this post where she quotes and then ass-rips a piece from USA today:
Bush's comments on the right of Palestinian refugees to return to ancestral homes in what is now Israel were the most contentious. Veterans of the peace process acknowledge that giving all 4 million refugees the "right of return" was a passionate but impractical demand that would eventually be dropped in a final negotiation. But Bush's unequivocal dismissal of the idea infuriated Palestinians and their supporters.

So, Bush tells it like it is, and the Palestinians are infuriated. The people who are supposedly veterans in the work to bring peace to the mid-east have been hiding behind lies and misdirection all these years. They know that the "right of return" is not a workable solution, but they'd prefer not to actually say it out loud. Just string everything along for years. Keep telling people you're working on it. Keep everything up in the air - then no one gets mad - right? But Bush blew their game and is telling it like it is. Oh the horror of it all!!!

There's more, probably about a 3-5 minute read, and very good.

Words cannot express how happy I am that this charming woman started her own blog instead of settling for hiding her writing talent in other people's comments.

posted by Harvey at 10:59:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Dave of Headchair has a picture of an American flag that his dad sent him. I guarantee it's cooler than any flag you have at your house.


I'll quote from the letter from his dad that accompanied it:

The flag I have presented to you has a two-fold significance. First, I flew this flag on a combat mission in support of offensive operations in Afghanistan during Operation Enduring Freedom 04 (OEF 04). After mission completion I delivered the flag to the Intel Division where the operative B------S of the Al Quida, Taliban or Mujahideen are initially detained and questioned after they are captured. During their initial interrogation they are placed in cells where the walls are covered with at least 100 American flags (this flag being one of the 100). The detainess are forced to sit in their small cells, which are well lighted, and for 9 hours and 11 minutes they must look at the walls covered with 100 American flags.

Told ya Dave's flag was cooler than your flag. There's also a certificate that accompanies it, so go to HeadChair & click that link.

posted by Harvey at 10:44:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


_Jon of We Swear mused as follows:

Today, I realized that there are *no* asian singers in the top 40, and I don't recall their ever being one. I wonder if that is racism?

No, I think it's just that the yella fellas got no street cred. I mean, go ahead & try to picture Asian rap:

I'm a rappin' ass Asian and I'm here to say
That I'm short and I'm yellow and I'm here to stay
I got a big IQ, I make Einstein look dumb
Own a little liquor store in a New York slum

Work 12 hour days, try to save up for school
Cuz I ain't the right color for a scholarship, fool.
I got a red Toyota and it runs just fine.
I don't drink 40's, I just sip my rice wine.

Damn. That's just hideous. Be GLAD top 40 is all homies & slutty white gals.

posted by Harvey at 10:11:45 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I read Day By Day this morning (April 24th cartoon, I couldn't find a permalink), and was amused, as always. Heh. Free Radicals.

But I was also confused by the reference, because I wasn't aware that those hippy pieces of shit were back in the news. A little Googling and I found out why - The New York Times is the ONLY paper to find them worthy of coverage.

Whatever teeny scrap of respect I ever had for the Times just took a swirly ride down the commode.

So I went to the NYT site to read the story, and... they gave me 50 words and asked for $2.95 for the other 1367.

F that.

Turns out that Cannabisnews was kind enough to republish the article in its entirety. It's quite a read. I never realized just how much I want to strangle hippies with my bare hands until I read it.

Now I know how Rumsfeld feels.

posted by Harvey at 7:15:40 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, April 23, 2004



When you're not here, something's missing...

My smile.

posted by Harvey at 10:21:50 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Anyone who recieve this bill will be Blessed with lots of money if they write this on 10 other bills.]

Al Franken's final, desperate attempt to raise the money to cover Air America's bad checks.

posted by Harvey at 10:20:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Buy some truth for an Iraqi.

Filthy Lie Round-up is up: What you won't see at GEBIV's MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE gets the nod from me this week, since he obviously put the most effort into the assignment. I guess Susie was too busy using compromising pictures of me for blackmail to get her assignment done.

Friday linky stuff.

New Filthy Lie Assignment (it's a visual this time):
What is Evil Glenn looking at in this picture?

Or simply

Caption this picture.

posted by Harvey at 9:58:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


There are a lot of things to see at, a spiffy little logo, millions of posts, a 500-yard-long blogroll and the corpses of blended puppies. But there are some things that are notably lacking. For instance, he has no comments. Since Glenn Reynolds is swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood, it's not surprising that he has no interest in the opinions of the millions of "little people" who read him daily. The other thing he doesn't have is a quality "about me" post. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more personal. So I'm offering this list of "Fun Facts About Glenn Reynolds" for him to copy & paste into his sidebar. (Yes, I know "Fun Facts" is Frank J's schtick, but since he never reads me anyway, he'll never know I stole it.)


Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about anymore.

Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.

Except in France.

Before he types them up, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen dipped in puppy blood, and writes on hobo-skin parchment.

Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR

Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.

Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.

Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.

It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.

According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"

Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.

Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.

Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.

Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"

People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."


posted by Harvey at 8:37:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


It's all about about raising money for a good cause.

posted by Harvey at 7:57:13 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, April 22, 2004


Since I got back from vacation on Monday, I have received exactly zero e-mail notifications of comments that have been posted. The system has been working fine since it went on line last September, and now it's broken.

Color me pissed.

So... unless this starts working by Saturday, I'm going to disable the Radio commenting system & set up Haloscan for comments, since for a mere $12 a year, I can get my comments e-mailed to me by them, and from what I've seen, Haloscan is both fast and reliable.

Does anyone using Haloscan use the "e-mail notification of comments" feature and have any opinions on it?

And yes, I know, "come to MuNu".

posted by Harvey at 7:43:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



I love your passion, you make me respond so easily. I feel your touch. I become so alive at the sound of your voice. I want to lay beside you 'til the end of time.

posted by Harvey at 7:25:28 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Presidential Fun Fact:

In 1789, George Washington invented the world's first horrifyingly tacky leisure suit.

posted by Harvey at 7:22:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Having finished my daily blogrounds, I poked around the Ecosystem to see what was new. Turns out that the Ecosystem finally cracked the 10,000 mark, so a big congrats to the Bear on that one.

Out of curiosity, I peeked at #10,000. Turns out that (for today) it's Basia Me, Catholica Sum, run by an 18-year old lass by the name of Meredith. Mostly it's about Catholicism and literature, but since there's also a link to the Lord of the Rings Spoofs page, I suspect her of having a charming sense of humor.

But the real reason I'm bringing this up is that her first post (sadly, permalinks appear to be blogspotted already, so 4-19 CTRL+F "PERIGEUX") has an interesting passage from Belloc. Now, me, I'm sort of a techno-geek. I frequently find myself in numb awe at the ability of man's mind to create such compact and practical wonders as the PDA and cell phone. It's a sense of reverence for human ingenuity that borders on worship. The passage in question refers to a low-tech creation: a church. However, the sense of kneeling-with-cap-in-hand adoration of the achievement struck a chord in me, so I wanted to share it:

Now the cathedral of St. Front in Perigeux of the Perigord is the most surprising thing in Europe. It is much more surprising than the hills-for a man made it. Man made it hundreds and hundreds of years ago; man has added to it, and, by the grace of his enthusiasm and his disciplined zeal, man has (thank God!) scraped, remodelled, and restored it. Upon my soul, to see such a thing I was proud to be an Anthropoid, and to claim cousinship with those dark citizens of the Dordogne and of Garonne and of the Tarn and of the Lot, and of whatever rivers fall into the Gironde. I know very well that they have sweated to indoctrinate, to persecute, to trim, to improve, to exterminate, to lift up, to cast down, to annoy, to amuse, to exasperate, to please, to enmusic, to offend, to glorify their kind. In some of these energies of theirs I blame them, in others I praise; but it is plainly evident that they know how to binge. I wished (for a moment) to be altogether of their race, like that strong cavalry man of their race to whom they have put up a statue pointing to his wooden leg. What an incredible people to build such an incredible church!

The whole essay (which Meredith quotes) is worth reading, but that part in particular just gave me warm-thrilled-shivers.

posted by Harvey at 7:11:10 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Blogless Beloved Wife forwarded this to me, and since I have an inordinate supply of female readers, I thought I'd post it:


1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

posted by Harvey at 7:04:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, April 21, 2004



When you are so far away, I only think of the moment when I'll hold you in my arms... and breathe in your love, exhaling the purity of our souls combining together.

posted by Harvey at 11:34:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Although not as successful as the "State Quarter" program, the "State Illegal Drug Dollar" program proved quite popular in California.

posted by Harvey at 11:32:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Precision Guided Humor Round-up: 9/11 Commission. I kinda liked Debbye's naughty suggestion. I like ANY naughty suggestion.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

New PGH: What further scandals will examination of Iraqi documents reveal?

posted by Harvey at 10:55:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Although it may resemble a free-for-all of partisan finger-pointing, the 9/11 Commission is actually a well-organized group of partisan finger-pointers, who are tasked with investigating several specific areas of inquiry. I quote these topics directly from the 9/11 Commission web site, and include their preliminary recommendation for each area, which I obtained by pulling it out of my ass via secret sources:

Al Qaeda and the Organization of the 9-11 Attack:
Recommendation: Pass a law requiring that, when terrorists stop at a titty bar for their now-traditional last night of debauchery before carrying out their plans, they be served only cyanide margaritas. These may be, but are not required to be, 2-for-1 specials.

Intelligence Collection, Analysis, and Management (including oversight and resource allocation):
Recommendation: The FBI and CIA must work together as a team. No more messing with each other's letterheads to make them read "Fat Bloated Idiots" or "Childish Ignoramous Asshats".

International Counterterrorism Policy, including states that harbor or harbored terrorists, or offer or offered terrorists safe havens:
Recommendation: The old policy of "give them money & hope they leave us alone" has failed. Hopefully the new policy of "Nuke first, ask the glowing wasteland questions later" will have better results.

Terrorist Financing:
Recommendation: No more "zero down, no payments for 90 days" crap. From now on, all terrorists are strictly "cash and carry". With all carrying being done by stuffing their gooey remains in a 5-gallon bucket.

Border Security and Foreign Visitors:
Recommendation: America no longer has the luxury of allowing suspicious people to cross its borders with impunity. For maximum surveillance efficiency, all borders will be continuously manned by bored, gossipy, small-town housewives known as the Gladys Kravitz Brigade.

Law Enforcement and Intelligence Collection inside the United States:
Recommendation: So that no detail is missed, all law enforcement and intelligence information will be retained in a single centralized database. Cyberdyne Systems expects SkyNet and its army of friendly, helpful Hunter-Killer cyborgs to be on line before the end of the year.

Commercial Aviation and Transportation Security, including an Investigation into the Circumstances of the Four Hijackings:
Recommendation: Before any passenger is allowed to board a plane, he will be asked the foolproof terrorist-revealing question: "If you were a terrorist and I asked you whether you were a terrorist, would you say "yes"?". If he answers either "yes" or "no" then he's a terrorist and should be beaten to a bloody pulp on the spot, since a normal American would respond "What kind of stupid ass question is that? Get the f*** out of my way before I miss my flight!"

The Immediate Response to the Attacks at the National, State, and Local levels, including issues of Continuity of Government:
Recommendation: Nuke the moon... or at least the crescent moons on top of mosques occupied by gun-wielding terrorists. Lather. Radiate. Repeat.


posted by Harvey at 8:20:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


At long last, Mark of Tempus Fugit has invented a PHP script for displaying Chris Muir's Day By Day cartoon vertically.

Which would be even cooler if I knew what the hell a PHP script was.

[via Mike of Cold Fury]

posted by Harvey at 1:57:31 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, April 20, 2004



The most horrible thing that can happen to you in life is to be without love... toilet paper coming in a close second.

posted by Harvey at 11:16:40 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Prov 11:25 - Seed for Debt Free      Prov 13:22 - The wealth of the Sinner is laid up to the just]

Prov 15:19 - No, seriously - put everything you've got on the Cubs to win the Series this year. Just trust me on this one. That goat is going DOWN!

posted by Harvey at 11:14:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Much as I'd like to be all French & nuanced about the whole thing, it comes down to this: War + Bush = the best shot we got at victory.

What about domestic policy issues? Well W. is a tax & spend twerp of a sellout Democrat wannabe, but... I'll let Larry of Extreme Psychosis explain:

We are at war. Terrorism is the only issue that is important to me right this very minute. I don't care about healthcare (dead people don't need healthcare), I don't care about taxes (dead people don't pay taxes), I don't care about gay marriage (dead people don't get married).

Pretty much sums it up for me. Read the rest of it, too. It's a good piece.

posted by Harvey at 11:03:53 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Eric of Straight White Guy, who, as far as I can tell, long ago cornered the market on ellipses, links to this CNN story about some snotty broad's book on punctuation. Just another hoity-toity, punctuationer-than-thou blue-nose trying to tell people how to write.

Screw her.

And not in a happy way.

The purpose of punctuation is to reproduce the pauses and vocal inflections of the spoken word, thus allowing the writer's intended meaning to be made as clearly as possible.

It is a servant, not a master, so use it any way you wish, as long as it helps you get your point across.

Let's face it. No matter what anyone says, there are times when a crescent wrench really IS a better tool for driving a nail. Don't be afraid to use it just because it's not a hammer.

posted by Harvey at 10:57:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


A quick Google search of Democratic Underground showed 430 pages using the words Nazi and Bush.

[via Nickspace Blog via Technorati]

posted by Harvey at 10:42:06 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I think this is what happens when you Google for

Democrats November 3 2004

[hat tip to Vanderleun of American Digest for finding this one]

posted by Harvey at 7:48:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, April 19, 2004



If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

posted by Harvey at 11:33:35 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Martha sighed. She didn't mind so much that George wore her dresses once in a while, she just wished he'd take it easy with her green eye shadow.

posted by Harvey at 11:30:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


We all know that Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) puts puppies in blenders and then drinks them to absorb their life force, thus enabling him to post 750 times a day. No one disputes this fact.

Now, an obscure Japanese web site has honored the victims of Glenn's depradations in pictures.

Go. Look. Remember their little faces. And know why the Alliance of Free Blogs continues it's struggle.


[special thanks to Lynn and Michelle]

posted by Harvey at 11:04:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


During my "Fun Facts About Australia" guest post at Drama Queen, I stated the following:

The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

You thought I was kidding.

Check this out.

posted by Harvey at 10:52:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Quoting directly:

The Practical Penumbra Stupid Customer Story Open

Just tell your favorite stupid customer story in the comments to this post. You may enter multiple stories, but only one story per comment.
In order to be fair, folks who don't work in customer service are allowed to enter stories of stupid customers they have actually observed in action, but it must be a first-hand account--no hearsay allowed!

The deadine for entries is midnight EST (CDT) April 27, 2004, and winner(s) will be announced April 30th.

posted by Harvey at 10:29:46 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Tiffany of Blow Fuse has the intriguing results of her survey on cookbook recipes. I'm flattered to be selected as one of the "funniest lines from the survey responses". Gratuitous linkage if you can figure out which one of the five is mine. You probably can.

posted by Harvey at 9:36:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Bill the Bloody of WalloWorld has once again succeeded in hacking his helpless challengers to bits. Can no one stop this madman?

Full results at the King of the Blogs home page, including Andrew's short, yet still incredibly stuffy reviews, Practical Penumbra's pithiness, Pietro's really readable writings, and my... GOD don't I ever shut up? Judging from the length of my review, I'm obviously compensating for some... shortcoming.

By the way, anyone who's a Large Mammal or higher is cordially invited to come and kick Bloody Billy's ass in the next tournament. We're desperate to stop the oppression. I swear, he's starting to make the Puppy Blender look like Mr. Rogers. If he doesn't lose soon, I'll have to start making up filthy lies about him.


posted by Harvey at 9:17:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, April 16, 2004


You know that little voice in your head that says naughty things in otherwise normal and innocent situations?

That's MY voice.


posted by Harvey at 8:43:48 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, April 15, 2004


Leaving Friday morning for the bustling metropolis of Le Center, MN to visit my nephew, his wife, and their boy (2 years 10 months). I'll be back sometime Monday, and probably won't be blogging between now & then. Meanwhile, here are some things for you to do while I'm gone:

1) Go answer Tiffany's survey questions

2) Enjoy Starship Exeter. Considering the non-existent budget they had to work with, this Original Series Trek style Quicktime movie is actually fairly well done, and I think it really captures the flavor of the series.

3) Pick a random number and use it in a sentence that says something nice about me.

4) Find me a freakin' troll.

5) If someone forwards you an e-mail warning you about the dangers of the "Budweiser Frogs Screensaver virus", send the dumbass to clueville.

6) Figure out whether you're REALLY an American.

7) Decide whether this man does or does not have his head up his ass about Scotch.

8) This is my coffee mug. There are many like it, but this one is mine. It is beautiful. I love it. I will not drink my coffee out of anything else.

9) Let me know how I can get my hands on some Aerogel. This stuff looks WAY too cool for me not to have any.

10) Go wish you-know-who a Happy Birthday.

Oh, and if you find any links to boobie pictures, just drop them in my comments.

If they're YOUR boobies, just e-mail them to

posted by Harvey at 11:25:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



I could tell the first time you hugged me that we are meant to be. You hugged me in a way I had never been hugged before and it made me feel better than ever.

posted by Harvey at 10:50:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Dear Grandma,

Just wanted to thank you for the thoughtful birthday gift.


posted by Harvey at 10:48:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


This week's challenge question:

You have just walked out of the house when you see a Ninety foot tall Bunny Rabbit destroying the city (assume you are in a city). As King of the Blogs what would you do to save the day?

GOOD POINTS: Covers all the bases with various options. Actually, since he gives 5 options, I guess he covered the pitcher's mound, too. Love the "RABBITS ARE TERRORISTS" picture. I can almost hear that freak on the left saying "Dude! Rabbits are like, totally evil."
BAD POINTS: He posted a picture of Michael Moore. I'd rather clean a bag lady's toenails than look at Michael Moore. Also, Bill failed to blame the Bush administration who was clearly responsible for not taking action to prevent this atrocity. Bush flopped! Bunnies hopped!
RANK: #1

GOOD POINTS: Stands and fights, rather than appeasing. A noble characteristic in a monarch. Also provides all necessary explanatory linkage.
BAD POINTS: Needed to expound a bit on why the Bugs & Daffy cartoons would lull the rabbit into a false sense of security. I didn't get that. Basically just had the bad luck of entering a text adventure against King Bill's splashy Photoshopping.
RANK: #2

Debra Galant
GOOD POINTS: That picture just tickles me.
BAD POINTS: Two words: explain how.
RANK: #3

The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.

GOOD POINTS: Oh, yeah, he's got the techie details running smoothly, and even though he recently suffered a DOS attack, you wouldn't know any damage was done. The place still looks  great.
BAD POINTS: Yellow blockquotes? Freakin' YELLOW? Dear GOD, Bill! This is NOT Trading Spaces! Yellow is for girls & flouncy interior decorators. Manly up, would ya?
RANK: #1

GOOD POINTS: Technically perfect, and way-spiffy non-yellow blockquotes. One of these days I'm going to have to steal that code & see if I can make it work in Radio. Bonus for linking Day By Day.
BAD POINTS: Nothing really bad, exactly, just not quite as fancy as WalloWorld. Might consider giving up that text header for a spiffy banner, which you can create here for free.
RANK: #2

Debra Galant
GOOD POINTS: Clean, white background, thin crisp lines neatly segregating each area. A nicely organized look.
BAD POINTS: Missing the search feature. If your software doesn't have the option, you can get the code free from Google:
RANK: #3

posted by Harvey at 10:38:42 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


There's just gotta be a rational explanation for why Ariel Sharon looks so insanely happy in that picture.

posted by Harvey at 7:43:18 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Two weeks left to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest.

New "In My World" - I would trade my entire graffiti currency collection to see Cheney do that for real.

posted by Harvey at 7:29:25 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, April 14, 2004


Goldie of Drama Queen asked me to do a guest post at her place, so I made up a list of "Fun Facts About Australia" for her. Go ahead & take a peek.

posted by Harvey at 11:55:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



If rare gems like you weren't so rare, this world would be a better place.

posted by Harvey at 11:23:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Did you know? Steve and Guido are lovers! But Steve is the man!]

Guido's wife stared at the dollar, thunderstruck... the new drapes, the sudden interest in show tunes, the chronic incontinence... it all made sense now.

posted by Harvey at 11:21:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Taglines for Air America. Too many good'uns to pick a winner this week, although GEBIV's MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE! is a guaranteed good time, as always. Just go check 'em all out. Set down your beverage first, though.

Linky stuff

New Precision Guided Humor assignment - your choice of:

1) Explain the 9/11 commission.


2) Make suggestions for improving the 9/11 commission hearings' ratings.

posted by Harvey at 11:07:17 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I've heard this message in more than one place. People who voted Democrat for years, sometime for their whole lives, now seeing the path forced upon America by 9/11, seeing the path forking in November, seeing the insanity & bloody shirt waving that the Democrats are doing to get America to turn down the snake & poison ivy infested path of appeasement, and saying, "no, thank you."

It's hard to change the habits of a lifetime, and it takes a certain kind of strength to let go of the past in search of something that will serve you better. Vanderleun of American Digest says it beautifully in his farewell to the Democratic party:

In a way, what the Democratic party is now is somewhat like a first wife thought about at a safe distance from the divorce. You know you loved her at some point but you can't really remember why. You know she was beautiful to you then, but now you can only see the ruins of that beauty, and you are glad you got the best years. You know that, yes, you must have been happy with her and had a lot of good times. But now you can't remember where or when. In fact, when you think about her now you can't really believe you wasted all those declining years with here just because you believed that somehow, some time, she would grow sane, beautiful, and young again.

Go read the whole thing. Mr. V is near-Lileksian in the lyricism of his prose.

posted by Harvey at 10:40:09 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... at Boi From Troy. I was starting to think I wasn't going to find anything noteworthy until I came across this short list of the 53 things a man has to do to make a woman happy from Wicked Thoughts. Since I measure up on all of them (well, except 7, 10, 12, and 13... um...15 might be a little iffy, too), I think it's safe to say that I can look forward to my 50th wedding anniversay. Besides, even with those 4 or 5 flaws, I still have a good chunk of job security that's not on the list.

See, I'm 5'10" & have long, monkey-like arms. Beloved Wife is 5'0" and built like a normal (if somewhat small) human being. So, as long as we have kitchen cabinets in the house with shelves higher than 6 feet off the floor, I've got myself a rock-steady marriage. The only words sweeter than "I love you" are "Can you get that thing down for me?"

Oh, and as for the three requirements for making a man happy, well, I think it's perfectly fine to cross out the word "big" in #1.

posted by Harvey at 5:25:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, April 13, 2004



Your lips speak soft sweetness,
Your touch a cool caress,
I am lost in your magic,
My heart beats within your chest.

posted by Harvey at 6:13:15 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Looking to ride the coattails of the wildly popular "State Quarters" program, the Treasury instituted the "State Dollars" program. Here we see Connecticut's design, celebrating its claim to fame as the birthplace of Grandpa Munster.

[hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one for me]

posted by Harvey at 6:11:39 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


The premise is simple. If Rush Limbaugh can have success on talk radio as a right-wing commentator, then there MUST be a crying need for left-wing talk radio, too, right?

Not even close, but when you're a lefty, facts are just annoying things to be clubbed over the head with your emotions like so many baby seals. You just gotta wish hard enough, and you'll get what you want.

But in addition to happy wishes, if you're going to succeed in this business, you need a witty tagline to succinctly capture your essence. Rush has "Excellence in Broadcasting", Fox News has "Fair and Balanced". Air America has...

well, looking at their web site... nothing.

That's just sad. Here... let me help:
Finally, a network to the left of CNN

More spin than a helicopter rotor.

Where unfunny hack comedians got to die.

Of the ignorant, by the ignorant, for the ignorant.

The place to go when you're just too damn lazy to think for yourself.

Proving that just because you wear glasses doesn't mean you have intelligence.

As good a place to end our careers as we can hope for.

Proud member of the Axis of Drivel.

Almost as unbiased as Dan Rather.

No, this is NOT just the DNC's way of dodging McCain-Feingold, why do you ask?

Because "" was already taken.

Not affiliated with John Kerry for President. At least on paper. Thank God for the Shredmaster 3000.

The one who will finally bring balance to The Force in accordance with prophecy.

Think of us as the audio version of the Democratic Underground.

Because seven networks and five cable news channels bashing Bush 24 hours a day JUST ISN'T ENOUGH!

NPR for dummies.

Check it out - we've even got a black guy. In your face, Limbaugh!

Coming soon to a tinfoil hat near you.

Like Rush without the drug addiction or the common sense.

Because Al Franken's mouth is too freakishly wide to appear on television.

More flaming assholes than the Preparation-H test labs.

Winner of the Jayson Blair "Credibilty in Media" Award.

Nearly as accurate as an Arthur Andersen audit.

Don't worry, we promise to go away as soon as the election is over.


posted by Harvey at 6:02:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jeff of BigStick.US is looking for a summer job. His qualifications:

- French Language Proficiency
- 2 years college
- Retail experience
- Cashier experience
- Good knowledge of computers
- Dishwasher/Busboy experience
- Rifle Instructor experience
- Good with small children
- Quick learner, hard worker.
and would like to work (in order of preference):

1. Pittsburgh, PA
2. Rochester, NY
3. Washington, DC
4. Wheeling, WV
5. Columbus, OH
6. Stuebenville, OH
7. State College, PA
8. Elsewhere

He's also good at drinking beer and making up funny stories about Canadians and/or megabloggers. If there's anything you can do to help, see the man.

Don't let him stay unemployed, because then he'll have to become a hobo, and we all know what happens to hobos around here...

posted by Harvey at 5:48:13 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands alone says she wants to look like Meg Ryan in "Addicted to Love". That's just crazy. LeeAnn is already plenty gorgeous. Or so I imagine. I haven't seen many pictures of her that weren't slathered in mime make-up.

But if, LeeAnn, you're determined to go completely Meg Ryan, do me a favor and spend the $20 or whatever to get an ACTUAL hairstyle instead of rubbing your fingers over your scalp for 30 seconds and calling it good, as that woman apparently does.

I've never understood "crappy" as a deliberate hairstyle, although I've seen plenty of women who do it on purpose.

I'll bet their bitchy little friends tell them it's "cute" to their faces and then, as soon as their backs are turned, start snickering and going *cough*-hag-*cough*-skank-*cough*-bed head-*cough*

Women can be so catty like that.

posted by Harvey at 5:45:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...get any nerdier than designing your own road so that you can ride your bicycle with square wheels.

No, that wasn't a typo. Or a series of them. That was just Vanderleun of American Digest hanging out in the geeky corner of the internet. 

posted by Harvey at 5:39:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES IS UP Ambient Irony. The worst of the lot has to be this cornea gouger from Dodgeblogium.

Geez, Andrew. I liked it better when you were stuffy.

posted by Harvey at 5:36:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, April 12, 2004


Just got a report from Blogless Brother Tom. Apparently when Tom stuffed a Mac in Evil Glenn's PC case as an April Fools' Day prank, he also made himself a copy of a few files.

Of special interest to those keeping score on Glenn's nefarious deeds were two pictures from the folder marked "Hobo Kill'n Pictures I Took With My Head-Mounted Wireless Web Cam".

One labeled "before".

One labeled "after".

Gives me the willies, it does.

Oh, and any resemblance between these pictures and screen captures from "Postal 2" is purely coincidental.

posted by Harvey at 10:31:51 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



To experience the coming together of you and I is to experience the ecstasy of an eternity.

posted by Harvey at 10:05:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


"Look," said Cain, "SOMEBODY has to be the world's first murder victim, and your name got drawn fair and square, so stop squirming!"

[hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one for me]

posted by Harvey at 10:02:36 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


is up at Blogo Slovo. My pick of the week would be Jim of Snooze Button Dreams taking his whack at the "blogging rules" horse corpse (hey, everyone does it eventually).

But I kid the Snoozemeister, it's a great post. Mostly because it only lays down 4 rules, and the fourth one says the first 3 don't matter.

I kinda like rule #2 - don't believe that the key to greatness is getting links from "the big guys". Very true. Despite the joy of seeing that Sitemeter spike, it'll fade and you'll be left with the people who truly love you. Cherish them.

#3 is good, too - avoid being a me-too meme-ster. The thing that keeps 'em coming back is that weird pixely stuff that drops out of your own head.

#1 - What a bunch of crap. I've NEVER pissed anyone off. Almost 10 months & not a single troll. I've barely even had any disagreements. So either Jim is wrong, or I'm just REALLY bland and boring.

Bartender, you shut up.

posted by Harvey at 9:36:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist read my post on what makes for a pretty lady, which got him thinking about how nice it is to work retail, because you get paid to flirt with the ladies, which made me think about some of my female customers, which makes me think of a question for my female readers:

Do you have ANY idea how much cleavage you're showing off?

Seriously ladies, when you're picking a top as you get ready to go out somewhere (like... uh... the bank, for example), what, if any, degree of consideration do you give to how much breast flesh is visible topside? I'm curious about that, because I've seen some women that just make me think "oh... my... god... is it possible that she "accidentally" picked a top that shows enough boob-crack for me to stick my entire hand into? Is she an exhibitionist, or was she just in a big hurry when she got dressed?"

I swear, I can handle the truth.

Oh, and speaking of cleavage, I almost forgot this cleave-tastic site that I found via ErosBlog. It's perfectly safe for work, if "work" is a massage parlor.

posted by Harvey at 9:20:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


DGCI 40 points

WalloWorld 35 points

Debra Galant 28.5 points

Generation Why 25.5 points

Hear that? That's the sound of Good King Bill of WalloWorld starting to sweat. Looks like we may have a serious contender in the form of DGCI.

Links to 3 other judges' reviews (as well as my own brilliant analyses) are available at the KotB page, as well as Pietro's full reviews, Andrew being practically non-stuffy, and Southern Musings cutting right to the chase.

posted by Harvey at 9:12:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Got a little behind because of my 5th anniversary, so... HEY! That was NOT dirty!... anyway, here's what's been going on.

Filthy Lie round-up: Evil Glenn's Easter. Do I even need to mention that GEBIV's MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE! is a must-read?

Triple shot of general Filthy Lies.

Linky stuff, which it's mostly too late to get in on now.

New Filthy Lie assignment: What is something you won't see at Special note: Due to me taking trip next weekend, this one isn't due until the 23rd.

Precision Guided Humor assignment reminder:
Write a witty tagline for Air America. due by 8pm CST Wed.

More linky stuff that there's still time to get in on.

MORE filthy lies.

posted by Harvey at 8:46:00 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, April 11, 2004



Real love stories never have endings.

posted by Harvey at 11:18:56 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



...or, if you'd like to see the US dollar win the "World's Coolest Currency" competition, send an e-mail to...

[hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one for me]

posted by Harvey at 10:55:22 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Now that GEBIV of There's One, Only! has moved off of Blogspot and settled into his sweet new Munuvia digs, it looks like he's actually bothering to post more often than just on Alliance Assignment days. I think I better toss him on the blogroll to keep an eye on him, lest he try to murder me in my sleep with his poisonous violets.

posted by Harvey at 7:20:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


In this corner: Bad Dog Jake, who thinks that rug in the living room resembles a fine patch of grass... or something... and is a wonderful place to piddle.

And in this corner: Beloved Wife, who really likes the rug in the living room and keeps cleaning the piddle out of it and punishing the dog.

Will Jake keep piddling on the carpet? Will Beloved Wife teach him that carpets are not the same thing as the back lawn, even though both tickle your paws in the most delightful fashion?

I'll keep you posted. For betting purposes, though, Jake does outweigh Beloved Wife by a good 10 pounds. On the other hand, one of Beloved wife's nicknames is Number 7. On the third hand, Jake's as dumb as a box of rocks, and took over a year to housebreak.

Place your bets.

Or give some advice. Whichever.

posted by Harvey at 2:58:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Eric of Straight White Guy is musing about what makes a woman pretty, inspired by that silly waste-of-time study that claims women are more attractive when they're ovulating.

I'll definitely agree with him on the joys of watching a woman walk away. And he's right - when it comes to enjoying that sweet sashaying ass receding into the distance, size doesn't matter.

Well, mostly. A bony ass, boy-straight hips, and twiggy legs will never do a thing for me. Man, some of these college girls simply HAVE to learn to eat something once in a while... and not throw it up.

Anyway, what else makes a woman pretty...[stealing glances at beloved wife]

Ok, definitely that ass...
The way the hair falls in her face when she tilts her head...
The way her hair flies when she tosses it out of her face...
Those full, lush, pouty lips. If every woman had lips like that, infidelity would fade from the face of the earth...
That sweet little rack...
The fact that it's currently not covered by anything (YAY! BOOBIES!)...
Nipples that can perk through 3 layers of clothes (she thinks I keep the thermostat turned down to save on the gas bill)...
Hips wide enough to rest your hands on when you're dancing...
The way her nose wrinkles when she squints at me when I say something dumb...
Which, for the record, I hardly ever see. *ahem*...
Very expressive eyes. Hard to describe, really. But I have seen people whose faces never seem to change above the nose, no matter what they're saying, thinking, or feeling...

But mostly it's that smile. That smile that comes so easily and so naturally, and lights up her face like a sunrise over a summer meadow.

Yeah, smiles are sexy.

posted by Harvey at 2:33:07 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

I don't mind if CNN spins the news to get Kerry elected. They're a bunch of partisan hacks, and it's what they do. But now, Paul, guest-posting at Wizbang, shows they're just flat out making shit up about what's in that recently declassified Presidential Daily Briefing report:

CNN: An intelligence report received in May 2001 indicating that al Qaeda was trying to send operatives to the United States through Canada to carry out an attack using explosives. That information had been passed on to intelligence and law enforcement agencies.

[Paul]: I read the thing 5 times and I have no idea how they got this. I even did a text search for "Canada" and "May." They are each mentioned once but not mentioned anywhere near each other:

PDB: The millennium plotting in Canada in 1999 may have been part of Bin Ladin's first serious attempt to implement a terrorist strike in the US. Convicted plotter Ahmed Ressam has told the FBI that he conceived the idea to attack Los Angeles International Airport himself, but that Bin Ladin lieutenant Abu Zubaydah encouraged him and helped facilitate the operation. Ressam also said that in 1998 Abu Zubaydah was planning his own US attack.

PDB: CIA and the FBI are investigating a call to our Embassy in UAE in May saying that a group of Bin Ladin supporters was in the US planning attacks with explosives.

Oh, there's plenty more. You might want to put a pillow under your chin so you don't hurt yourself when your jaw drops.

posted by Harvey at 12:08:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


OVERALL NOTE ON RANKING: The new King of the Blogs scoring system awards points based how an entrant performed relative to his/her competitors, so what counts is whether someone got first, second, third, or fourth place. As a courtesy to the contestants, I'm including the scores I assigned to the individual posts to determine placement.

This week's challenge question is:

Is your blog therapy for you or does it exist as an on-going op-ed piece for you to express your views to the world, and why?

DGCI (3rd place)
GOOD POINTS: Takes the time to explain what blogs are before going into the various reasons for blogging. Assumes the throne by utilizing the Royal "we" during most of the discussion.
BAD POINTS: The question was meant to be about the contestant's feelings & opinions. A chance to open up and share a little bit about himself. I thought this post could have been less global and more personal.

GOOD POINTS: A firm-handed discussion of why the terrorists themselves, and not any Presidential administration, were to blame for 9/11. I thought the police analogy was apt.
BAD POINTS: The discussion of Bush and Kerry felt tacked on and gratuitous. It seemed especially out of place given that one of the points of the piece was that the President can't protect you from a terrorist attack, he can only direct clean-up operations afterward. While the Bush/Kerry comparison is a valid point and an interesting topic for discussion, it really belonged in a separate post.

(1st place)
GOOD POINTS: Has the audacity to question the premise of the question (audacity is a good trait in a blogospheric monarch). She has a good analogy (a dinner party) and a good answer (fun). The rest of her entry serves to give support to both, in turns. Well constructed, insightful, and personally revealing
BAD POINTS: None visible.

GOOD POINTS: Striking imagery, and nice verbal build-up in the caption
BAD POINTS: Who's Noah? Also, am I supposed to be amused, disappointed, or pleased that he got walked? I think I'm missing the point here.

(challenge)(4-9 CTRL+F "therapy")
GOOD POINTS: Answers the "which is it" portion of the question while leaving no ambiguity regarding the author's personal politics.
BAD POINTS: Not much into the personal reasons of "why". Jason missed a good chance to showcase his creativity and settled for a few quick political jabs.

(submitted)(4-7 CTRL+F "double standard")
GOOD POINTS: Cites sources for all his quotes, which is a good blogging habit, as it allows the reader to determine for himself the validity of the claims
BAD POINTS: Although the point of Robert Byrd being a racist is well-received, the post was poorly constructed when it came to making the analogy. As written, Jason takes Lott saying something vaguely racist as a compliment to someone who is a racist (Thurmond) - and compares it to Dodd & Kennedy saying something non-racist as a compliment to someone who is a racist (Byrd). The sad part is that Dodd DID say something vaguely racist ("He would have been right during the great conflict of civil war in this Nation."), but Jason didn't use that quote. If Jason had stuck to criticism of Dodd & Kennedy for praising a former Klansman Kleagle, instead of trying to work the double standard angle, this would have been a better post.

GOOD POINTS: Almost Pythonesque in it's self-referential, and self-deprecating humor. It's good to see Bill giving his funny side a long leash to romp with. Even answers the question, eventually
BAD POINTS: Arrogant, pointless, blowhardian twaddle being shoved down the throats of innocent readers. Why? Because King Bill is MAD! Mad with power! Brutally torturing his subjects with an endless meandering yellow-brick-road-to-hell of a post. There's a human rights violation in there somewhere.

GOOD POINTS: Nice visual at the end with the hippy/Dr. Scholl's commercial
BAD POINTS: I read this thing about 10 times, trying to figure out why I couldn't find the point. It finally hit me. The whole section from "While I'm not one…" to "…jobs and all the rest" belongs at the top of the piece as an introduction. In its current position, it destroys the conceptual flow and build-up of the post. This isn't up to Bill's usual high standards. Reading it was like watching a gold-medal gymnast falling off the balance beam.

posted by Harvey at 11:17:24 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, April 10, 2004



She fights and vanquishes in me
and I live and breathe in her
and I have life and being

posted by Harvey at 8:37:08 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I rarely find cause to comment on anything Steven Den Beste of USS Clueless writes, because he's normally so thorough in his analysis that there's simply nothing left to say. However, as I mentioned recently, I'm trying to be more watchful of the criticisms I read to see if they're attacking bad consequences, or merely suspect motivations.

In a post on a 9/11 family member being critical of the administration's handling of 9/11, Steven points out that this guy (Bob McIlvaine) is also one of the famous "9/11 family members" who went on record criticizing the Bush campaign commercial with 9/11 imagery in it. This guy is also a member of the stinky hippy organization "Peaceful Tomorrows", so he obviously has a political agenda that's in line with trying to make Bush look bad.

But whatever his personal motivations might be, no matter what kind of utopian peacenik ostrich he is, he might still be right on the point he's making - a stopped clock is right twice a day, that sort of thing - so let's set aside his motives for a second and examine his actual complaint to see if it's valid. Regarding 9/11, he said:

"No one wants to take any responsibility"

Well... that was a waste of time.

You see, Mr. McIlvaine, your complaint is completely without merit because Al Qaeda has ALREADY taken responsibility!

But at least my conscience is clear, knowing that I gave him a chance.

posted by Harvey at 8:35:15 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Official currency of "BloggersWithBoobies".

(hat tip to Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist for coming up with that caption)
posted by Harvey at 8:08:28 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, April 09, 2004



If all those glittering monarchs that command the servile quarters of this earthly ball should tender in exchange their shares of land, I would not change my fortunes for them all. Their wealth is but a counter to my coin... the world is but theirs; but my beloved is mine.

5th Anniversary tonight.

posted by Harvey at 11:06:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I am shocked - SHOCKED, I say - that in all my years as a smutty-minded juvenile, I never thought of this one myself.

posted by Harvey at 11:01:35 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


My blogroll is full. There's just no room for anyone else.

Which is why I'm putting Goldie of Drama Queen on it.

No, wait... I'm putting her on it because she's just way too fun & flirty to not keep a close eye on, and I've been thinking about doing this for weeks.

Besides, she posts naughty Zodiac art and talks about me behind my back. What's not to love?

posted by Harvey at 8:03:28 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Because all they do is whine. "Where's my link? Where's my link? Where's my link?"

Anyway, Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist was the 300th commenter at Madfish Willie's Comment Party, and I promised linkage to whoever that was, so I guess I should pay up.

Nah. Screw that. Everything he writes is boring, and I have a responsiblity to my readership.

On a completely unrelated note, Beloved Wife confided in me last night that the ONLY thing that pisses her off so much that she would be willing to rip someone's heart out of their living body, is people who drive stupid. For example, there was this psychotic moron in a mini-van who zoomed up our tailpipe at 100 mph, then just sat there tailgating with his headlights on, smoking a cigarette and jamming on the stereo. I tell ya, he's lucky to be alive. Shit. I'll bet he thought he was just being "assertive", too.

Geez, some people's children...

By the way, don't let the "300 comments" thing scare you off from joining in the fun at yonder Cyber Saloon. You don't have to read ALL the comments to participate. Just review the last 10 or 20 to get a feel for the latest activities, and say something either suggestive or alcohol-related.

Great way to make new friends, and the blogless are welcome to join in.

posted by Harvey at 7:52:15 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


So I went to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon on Good Friday night to soak up a little atmosphere at the comment party. Carefully drying the unmentionable fluids from a nearby chair, I plunked down next to Matty O'Blackfive.

Harv: Hey Matty. Staying sober tonight?

Matty: Don't blaspheme. And I don't know what you're talking about. I've already put away two cases.

Harv: Then how come the table's not covered with beer bottles?

Matty: Oh… that... Tiffany & LeeAnn took 'em into the Champagne Room. They're having a bottle-stacking contest with some of the other Corner of the Bar Babes.

Harv: Hmmm... No hands?

Matty: Naturally.

Harv: Spy-cam & VCR running?

Matty: Of course.

Harv: Brilliant!

Matty: Brilliant!


Harv: That was Mike the Marine's cue to shout "Brilliant!" Where the hell is he?

Matty: He's in Iraq doing a little mopping up around Fallujah.

Harv: I hope he's ok.

Matty: I think he can handle himself...

...Meanwhile in Iraq...

Mad Mohammed [swinging a scimitar around in fearsome circles]: ululululululululululu!

Mike the Marine [rolling eyes & drawing Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*

Mad Mohammed [gazing with surprise at the empty hole previously occupied by his midsection]: URK! *WHUMP!*


Harv: Yeah, I suppose you're right. So... what are you doing for Easter?

Matty: I'm taking Little Blackfive to his first Easter Egg hunt.

Harv: So you brought him here to get a little practice?

Matty: Sure. Wouldn't want him to get shown up by those little hippy brats in day care.

Harv: True, but do you think it was a good idea to let Goldie help with the training?

Goldie: Hey Little Blackfive, I've got 3 Easter eggs hidden in a secret place. Wanna try to find 'em?

Matty: Maybe he IS a little young for that. Come here Little Blackfive!

Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY! The nice lady was going to show me her "special Easter basket"!

Matty: Yeah, *ahem* well, why don't you come here anyway. I've got some jelly beans for ya.

Little Blackfive: Yay! Jelly Beans!

Harv: Maybe you should've left him alone. He's got to learn about "Easter baskets" somewhere, and Goldie's a mighty fine place to start...

Matty: What? Are you nuts? Mrs. Blackfive would kill me! I already had to promise her two hours of alphabet time just to get her to let me bring the boy with me tonight. If I brought him home with an "education", she'd probably make me wear the French Maid costume, too!

Harv: You do look quite fetching in that...

Matty: Shut up!

Little Blackfive: Daddy, these jelly beans taste like poo-poo!

Matty: Little Blackfive! Such horrible language! What did daddy teach you to say?

Little Blackfive: Sorry. These jellybeans taste like fresh shit out of a mangy dog's ass.

Matty: That's my little Drill Sergeant! Hmmm... let me try one... *chew, chew*... *spitooie!* GAH! It's like a combination of brussel sprouts & vomit! Try one.

Harv: *chew, chew*... *spitooie!* YEESH! Actually it was more like a Budweiser flavor, but still... BLECCH!

Matty: Let me see that jelly bean bag... AHA! Just as I thought! Radio tower with lighting bolts emblem and "a product of Evil Glenn Industries". Looks like that bastard Reynolds is out to ruin yet another holiday. Damn, and I still haven't recovered from that St. Patrick's Day adventure.

Harv: Maybe because you've been drinking continuously between then and now?

Matty: That's beside the point. Now... we're gonna need some help.

Harv: Yeah. I wish Mike were here. He's got a talent for tricky assignments.

... Meanwhile in Iraq...

Annoying Ahmed: Filthy Yankee pig dog! There is but a single pistol equidistant from both of us. Whoever gets it will kill the other.

Mike: Tell ya what, camel-humper, I'll roshambo you for it.

Annoying Ahmed: What's that?

Mike: Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the gun.

Annoying Ahmed: Well... ok.

Mike: [KICK!]

Annoying Ahmed: AIEEEEEE! *WHUMP!*

Mike [rolling eyes and picking up Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen South Park? *BLAM!*


Harv: Anyway, how about Dana?

Matty: Nah, she's a little too pregnant for this one.

Harv: Yeah, but she's got really perky nipples.

Matty: Hmmm… yeah… uh, No! Too dangerous. How about Susie?

Harv: She's kinda busy rounding up that new popcorn popper for the theater...

...Meanwhile in Indiana...

Susie [on the phone]: Ok, I'll give you $200 and "the Reddi-Wip experience", but NO spanking!


Matty: What about Heather? She's good muscle.

Harv: Nope, she's still doing that photo-shoot for the Car & Driver "Bent Over Babes" issue.

Matty: Hmmm… Goldie?

Harv: Goldie.

Goldie: Did someone call me?

Harv: Yeah, we need you to help us with a mission.

Goldie: Great! I love that position!

Matty: That's not what he meant!

Harv: Actually...

Matty: No time for that now. Goldie, just come with us.

Goldie: Maybe even before & after, too *giggle*

Harv: Maybe. To the Drunkmobile!

Matty: To the Drunkmobile!

Goldie: To drunks in high heels!

Matty: ...Are you sure about this, Harv?

Harv: Trust me.

Matty: Ok... wait... Who's going to watch Little Blackfive.

Harv: Oh, I think the Bartender can handle it...

Bartender: Why did the horse cross the road?

Little Blackfive: Because the chicken needed a day off.

Bartender: Good! Now say "Harvey is a Shpxurnq!!1!"

... We sped through the night, quickly arriving at our destination...

Matty: The Evil Glenn Industries Jelly Bean Factory. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Harv: Can you please quote something from this century?

Matty: ... Wazzzzzuuuuup?

Harv: Nevermind. Goldie, come with us.

Goldie: Yes I have. Mmmm.... You military guys really know how to stand and salute!

Matty: Paratroopers always dive right in.

Harv: And sailors like to ride anything wet. Let's get moving...

...We strolled relatively unimpeded through the poorly guarded factory, pausing only for Goldie to make suggestive remarks about any object that was even vaguely phallic. Since this basically included everything that was taller than it was wide, it made for slow going. Nevertheless, we soon arrived at a door marked "Evil Glenn's Private Secret Inner Sanctum and Puppy Blending Emporium" which Matty kicked in enthusiastically.

Matty: All right, Evil Glenn, the jig is up!

Harv: Surrender or die!

Goldie: I want to have sex with you!

Matty & Harv [turning to stare at Goldie]: Wha?

Goldie [blushing]: Sorry, force of habit *giggle*

Evil Glenn: Whatever. You're too late to stop me. I've already made Al Franken a talk radio star! MUAHAHAHA!

Matty: Um... Actually, we were here about the jelly beans?

Evil Glenn: Oh... that... yes... well... you're too late for that, too. Now leave me alone. I've got a Shi-tzu coagulating in the Oster.

Matty: Look, my kid almost died from eating one of your crappy jelly beans. We're here to put a stop to your vile activities.

Harv: Yeah! What he said! And what the hell did you put in those jelly beans, anyway? I haven't had such a bad taste in my mouth since that time I accidentally grabbed a Miller Light while reaching for my Guinness. I had to chug the spittoon to clear my palate after that one.

Evil Glenn: Haggis.

Harv: EWWWWW! But why?

Evil Glenn: All part of my latest sinister plot to destroy a precious national holiday. You see I've recently come across the concept of Earth Dinner. A vile project promoted by filthy hippies to get people to eat dirt and weeds while spreading lies about global warming and acid rain. Those atrocious jelly beans will make people hate Easter, so they'll start celebrating the next closest holiday, which is Dirt Day.

Matty: Earth Day.

Evil Glenn: Whatever. Anyway, Evil Glenn Industries has already purchased huge soy and tofu production facilities to take advantage of the soon-to-be-increasing demand. I'll make MILLIONS!

Matty: No you won't, because we're going to stop you!

Harv: Ummm… hold that thought, Matty… Did you say… millions?

Evil Glenn: Yup.

Harv: ...and this Evil Glenn Industries… looking for investors, by any chance?

Evil Glenn: Ground floor possibilities exist, yes.

Matty: Dammit, Harv! Snap out of it! He's EVIL!

Harv [dreamily]: … millions of dollars…

Matty: Harv, he's out to destroy an entire national holiday. Think about the children!

Harv: YOU think about the children. I'm thinking about the rubbing piles of ill-gotten greenbacks all over my sweaty, naked body. Besides I hate children.

Matty: Harv, I know, and that's what I'm talking about. If Glenn destroys Easter, think about the children… the whiny, irritable, children who want candy but can't get it. Everywhere you go, hordes of bitchy little crumb-crunchers, going "WAAH! WAAH! I want candy! I want candy! Gimme candy! WAAH! WAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Harv: Good point. All right, Evil Glenn, prepare to be thwarted!

Evil Glenn: So you guys remembered to bring a gun this time?

Matty: DAMN!

Harv: CRAP!

Evil Glenn: Hmmm. Heh. Indeed. Now run along, little incompetents, I have cruelty to inflict.

Matty: Harv, I thought YOU brought the gun?

Harv: Well, I set it on the table when I came into the bar, but it wasn't there when we left, so I thought YOU grabbed it.

… Meanwhile at Madfish Willie's…

*BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!]

Little Blackfive: Whee! That was fun Mr. Bartender! More! More!

Bartender: Heh. Sure, ya little scamp. You're almost as good at "shotglass skeet" as your old man.

Matty: I guess we're doomed.

Harv: Since we're doomed anyway, maybe we should buy a few shares of…

Matty: SHUT! UP!

Goldie: Oh YOOOO-HOOOO! Mr. Reyyyy-nolds!

… We turned to look and saw Goldie dressed in a provocative skin-tight spandex penguin costume…

Evil Glenn: *drool* mmm… live action penguin porn

Goldie [whispering]: Wait for me in the Drunkmobile. I'll handle this…

Harv: Can we watch?

Matty: *WHACK!* C'mon. Let the girl work.

Harv: OW! Maybe we could videotape...

Matty: MOVE!

… 10 minutes later, Goldie joined us in the car.

Goldie: Here, Harv. Catch [throwing remote-contol-like object]

Harv: What's this?

Goldie [coyly]: Push the button & find out.

Harv: Ok [*push*]


Matty: Huh. Remote control self-destruct for the jelly bean factory. How convenient.

Harv: Standard Evil Overlord stuff. But still, the hang-time for the debris is pretty impressive.

Matty: So, Goldie, what happened in there?

Goldie: A little teasing, a little bondage, a little leaving him handcuffed to the bed screaming in terror as I walked off with the remote.

Harv: You mean you didn't take advantage of him first?

Goldie: EWWW! He's a LAWYER! I don't mate outside my species!

Matty: So… looks like this is the end of Evil Glenn. There's no way he escaped that blast. Let's get back to the bar…


Evil Glenn [crawling out from under a pile of rubble]: I am SO in love with that woman!


Matty: Dammit, Little Blackfive! You untie the Bartender from that ceiling fan right this instant!

Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY!…


posted by Harvey at 6:07:25 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


So, Roxanne's Rant/Rave had a post making fun of Condi's 9/11 commission testimony. Susie of Practical Penumbra saw it, and was, shall we say, a tad put out by the message. Much heated snarking ensued in the comments on both sides.

Personally, I'm not sure what the outrage was all about. Roxy's post wasn't a statement of fact or a logical argument, it was a poorly executed bit of lefty humor. And since there's nothing sadder than poorly executed humor, it's time for another lesson on the fine are of comedy writing, so... back to the classroom:

In order to be funny, something has to be both true and surprising. Actually, it doesn't even have to be true, it just has to play off a popular perceived stereotype.

I think Roxy's post fails, because I'm not aware of there being a stereotype of Condi being either a liar or incompetent.

The joke, as written, might work a little better on Bush, since he's perceived by the left as a bit of a bumbler. It's not true, but it's still a popular stereotype in some circles.

Another problem was that there were only two choices, which leaves out the comedic power of "the triple", where the first two items get the reader thinking in a particular direction, letting you surprise him with the new direction taken by the third item

In this case the post might've worked better if Roxy had played a more popular stereotype. For example, the "black woman in a white man's world" angle. A third answer would also have helped. So maybe something like:

Condi was

a) lying
b) incompetent
c) sitting way back in the "coloreds only" section during the security briefings, and thus missed some important details.

Or perhaps:

c) feigning incompetence to make Bush look bad, as payback for that "you're pretty smart for a girl" remark.

Granted, not ROTFL, but still a step up.

For more details on being funny, please read the manual.

posted by Harvey at 2:55:53 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Google bomb for Tiffany of Blown Fuse:

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany

Let's see if she shows up now.

posted by Harvey at 7:25:23 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, April 08, 2004


Go to Haloscan and get comments, so that people can thank you for providing them with thought-provoking, not safe for work entertainment like this lovely bumper sticker.

posted by Harvey at 11:30:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Ok, I'm late for Tartan Day. To make up for it, here are some Great Events in Scottish History:

1326 - The game of golf was invented in Scotland, followed shortly thereafter by the invention of the word "DAMMIT!"

1410 - Drinky MacDrunkard discovered how to make single malt scotch. He was then beaten to death by his neighbors when they found out they had to wait 12 years before they could drink it.

1453 - Kurt MacCobain invented the plaid flannel kilt and followed it up with his hit song "Smells Like Distilled Spirits"

1570 - Godawful MacScreechy conceived the idea for a new musical instrument after getting drunk and accidentally setting fire to his cat.

1623 - The Scots invented money. That same year, they also invented tight-fisted skinflintery.

1697 - By a three-vote margin, the Scots lost the "Brawlingest Drunkards" award to the Irish. A title which the Irish still hold to this day.

1724 - Smartass MacJoker entered his newly created dish, haggis, into the Betty MacCrocker Cooking contest as a prank. The judges, being three sheets to the wind at the time, picked it as the winner, and the culinary atrocity has been a Scottish staple ever since.

1823 - Crazy MacWhacko stayed sober for an entire year, and was hung for treason.

1907 - Tipsy MacSwigger invented drunk driving.

2004 - An angry mob of Scottish descent kicked the crap out of a talentless hack Wisconsin blogger who mocked Tartan Day. The cheers were deafening.

2257 - Montgomery Scott, beloved alcoholic engineer of the Starship Enterprise, started a bar fight with some Klingons at Space Station K-7, thus finally bringing honor and the "Brawlingest Drunkards" trophy back to Scotland.

Again, my apologies for being late with this.

posted by Harvey at 11:20:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff posted a link to an article which bemoans the dearth of intellectual rigor to be found in most political discussions. I'll quote the same passage she did:

Briefly put, Type C arguments discuss the consequences of an action: X is a bad idea, because if you do that, Y will happen. Type M arguments, on the other hand, relate to the motives behind the action: X is a bad thing because you're only doing it to get Z.

Since I read that (and I strongly recommend reading the whole piece, since it's well written, enlightening and not more than 5 minutes), I've been paying a little more attention to arguments I read and/or hear, to see if they're focusing on consequences, as they should, or non-essentials like motive. I've discovered Rush Limbaugh is about 50-50 on this. A little motive here, a little consequences there, whatever it takes to demolish his adversaries from all angles. I admit it makes for quality entertainment, but not so much for subtantive debate.

Another issue tickles my mind, as I discovered a piece in this week's Carnival of the Vanities by Karol of Spot On. In it, Karol discusses how the Hollywood asshats are now working anti-Bush messages into their scripts, and finishes as follows:

The next time someone accuses you of questioning their patriotism, go on and question it, as I will. They deserve it.

Which sort of question used to make me wonder... are the Lefties "unpatriotic"?

But, thanks to my heightened sensitivity to issues of relevancy, I now wonder... who gives a f***?

What the hell does loving your country have to do with choosing the best course for it? Simply look at the course the lefties are charting (or would, if they had the power), and decide for yourself whether we'd be better or worse off if we followed it.

Short illustration. Whether the Left is patriotic or not, they want us to cut and run. Spain did that after 3/11. Then they had another bomb there anyway. I'm just extrapolating here, but it'd probably be a bad idea for us to follow suit.

So the left is wrong, short-sighted, and quite possibly stupid, but that doesn't make me question their patriotism. I don't care if they love their country or not, the problem here is that their heads are packed to a neutron star's density with dangerous & dysfunctional ideas about how the war on terror should be prosecuted, and THAT is why they should be stopped on the intellectual battlefield.

Of course, if you still want to insult their patriotism purely for entertainment purposes, be my guest.

posted by Harvey at 10:42:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


From Mr. Large Penis. This time it's Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner, Excitable Boy, and Werewolves of London.

Come get some.

Bandwidth is on Eric.

posted by Harvey at 10:33:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Matty O'Blackfive suspects that I'm the only Harvey in the blogosphere. To most people, yes. However to a certain search engine who shall remain nameless but sorta rhymes with "bugle" I'm not only not the only, I'm not even the best.

Look at this crap:

Number 1: Harvey Pekar - this turd hasn't posted since October. His calendar is still on FEBRUARY! I don't even know how that's technically possible!

Harvey Kirkpatrick coming in at number 9. How? He hasn't even made a freakin' entry since AUGUST and he's kicking my ass! What kind of shit is that?

Number 11 is just some dork LINKING to Harvey Pekar's craptacularly non-existent & never-updated blog.

Finally, at number 16, we have me. For the overlap of 2 entries I did last December.

I'm quite despondant over these results. At this point, there's only one thing that will cheer me up.

Ninja bunnies.

posted by Harvey at 10:28:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Is there even a single mass grave in the United States?

W not only isn't Bushitler, he's not even Bushaddam.

(link via USS Clueless, who thinks the new report on mass graves in Iraq won't even make the left twitch a whisker, much less change its mind about whether going in was worth it.)

posted by Harvey at 7:21:32 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, April 07, 2004


Precision Guided Humor Round-up is up: More Fun Facts About Terrorists

Filthy Lie Reminder: Evil Glenn's Easter due Friday by 8pm

Linky stuff, both posted and upcoming

New PGH: Write a witty tagline for Air America.

posted by Harvey at 11:24:21 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



You know you're in love when you think about that person, and your stomach gets all fuzzy and squishy.

posted by Harvey at 11:19:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Eric has a big penis]

I'd be more impressed if Eric hadn't gotten this from Molly the Midget.

posted by Harvey at 11:16:59 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If I had web-based e-mail that I used a lot, I'd probably want to download my e-mail to my computer, because Yahoo has an absolutely crappy interface for composing e-mail.

And if my web-based e-mail wanted me to use their services once a month or lose my account, I'd want to download my e-mails, just so I could keep things going.

Just recently, I found a nifty little program that lets you download e-mail from your web-based service. I've successfully downloaded, installed, set up, and used YahooPOPs with Mozilla's e-mail client and Yahoo's e-mail. It claims to work with other web-based services & clients as well, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

And yes, it's free. 

posted by Harvey at 10:57:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Jen of Jennifer's History & stuff tells you most of the things you want to know about her. It's like going on a first date.

Except you don't have to pay for dinner :-)

But you don't get to kiss her good-night, either :-(  

However, you DO get to find out that she was smart enough to leave Wisconsin... although I'm not convinced Iowa is a step UP.

posted by Harvey at 10:50:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Looks like Tiffany of Blown Fuse is going to be the first to ride the mechanical bull at Madfish Willie's comment party. She's SO adventuresome.

And a little weird. Instead of yelling the traditional "yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay!", she's hollerin' something like "gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy la la la - lo lo"

By the way, the party is rapidly approaching the unprecedented 300 comment mark. I'm giving gratuitous linkage to lucky #300, so keep the comments...uh... coming.

posted by Harvey at 10:48:58 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Like a hamster in a cattle drive, I've been selected as a judge in the upcoming IMAO T-shirt Babe Contest, along with far superior bloggers such as:

*... Frank J., genius extraordinaire and creator of IMAO
* Doug the T-Shirt Guy, capitalistic owner of
* Emperor Misha I, ruler of the blog The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
* Bill Whittle, brilliant essayist and guy in flight suit from Eject! Eject! Eject!
* Blackfive, victim of the French's greatest military victory ever (he got a reprimand for insulting a French General)
* John Hawkins, pundit/interviewer/humorist of Right Wing News
* Glenn Reynolds, author of Instapundit and [filthy oppressive puppy-blending] overlord of the blogosphere

the numerous details of how to enter are:

First, be a babe. Second, have a photo taken (it needs to be recent) displaying your babeness. Third, to prove your babeness, write a short (200 words or less) hawkish statement (we can't have someone wearing a, anti-terrorist t-shirt who deosn’t actually want terrorists dead). Finally, e-mail a digital copy of the photo, your short essay, name, and website URL (if you have one) to me with the subject "IMAO T-Shirt Babe".

And prizes? Serious prizes. This ain't no piddly "permalink & t-shirt prize" like I got (although the T-shirt is cool, and it sometimes looks like people actually click that permalink once in a while). No, we're talking actual MONEY:

You will receive all the IMAO t-shirts, of course, so you can model them. And, as payment for the modeling pictures, you will receive one hundred dollars cash (or check or paypal... whatever works for ya) and a $100 shopping spree at

Oh, and if you want to get in on all the hot judging action, too, there's a contest for a final judge, the winner of which gets to "join the crème de la crème of the blogosphere (and Harvey) in being a judge". Here's what you do for that:

To enter write a short (100-words or less) over the top statement about how IMAO the best website... nay... the best thing ever. E-mail it and your preferred appellation to me with the subject "IMAO is Super Great!" and I'll pick my favorite (and thus the winner).

Details on all this stuff can be found at IMAO, so go check it out

posted by Harvey at 7:49:14 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Tuesday, April 06, 2004



Love is when the woman of your dreams becomes a reality and sleep stops being a priority.

posted by Harvey at 11:21:36 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



Matty O'Blackfive kicked the crap out of a bunch of filthy hippies and all I got was this lousy graffiti currency.

posted by Harvey at 11:19:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Martin of Ego was whining about being an Ecosystematic Reptile in the comments to the Bear's "it's fixed now" post, and yearning for Flappy-Birddom. So I took a peek to see what was what.

Found something of interest: a Cox & Forkum interview buried in the archives. Cool.

Incidentally , I'm loving that Cox & Forkum logo on the sidebar. I want one, too. How do I get one? Do I have to pay money, or can I earn it by force-bathing hippies?

Speaking of the sidebar, there's an ad for Body In Mind, which is a site dedicated to the proposition:

We think female beauty is perfectly, brilliantly, glowingly good. That it has never been bad in any way and can never be.

Sounds like BloggersWithBoobies, except without the blogging part. Nothing but good taste & loveliness to be found there. Take a peek, if you're so inclined. Even the ladies might like it, because it's practically art.

Although it's not work safe.

posted by Harvey at 11:03:18 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Free Warren Zevon tunes from Straight White Guy. Go ahead & bust his bandwidth by downloading them. Hell, it's not like he's done anything else for you lately.

About time he started pulled his weight around here.

posted by Harvey at 10:36:39 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...of this post from Physics Geek:

Saw the following description of the major(liberal) news media outlets over at Boortz:

New name for the ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, Washington Post, New York Times, Los Angeles Times leftist media cartel.  The "Axis of Drivel."  Credit to Doug Giles from Miami.

Some things are just too good not to share.

posted by Harvey at 10:28:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...until I went to Blown Fuse and found a link to The Good Time Fun Bunch.

All the videos suck, except for All Natural, which I found amusing.

I won't mention that these aren't safe for work, because I'm sure you could figure that part out, since I'm linking to them.

posted by Harvey at 10:03:40 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Trading Spaces, While You Were Out, and Clean Sweep, all rolled together?

No, not a Kerry presidency (although you're close)...

The Propeller Island City Lodge.

Go ahead. Look at ALL the rooms. I dare you.

And then tell me whether your evil scale has a new 10.

(hat tip to my Latvian friends at microDay Weblog for finding the link)

posted by Harvey at 9:39:01 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES up at Soundfury. Wherein I found... Great Gorgon's Gonads! This is the apotheosis of suck! The. Worst. Blog. Entry. Ever. Written.

It's a 1.7 on the Bill Whittle scale, and it doesn't contain a single coherant sentence.

I mean, seriously folks, if Andrew doesn't delete this... thing... and soon - for the good of humanity, mind you - I'll arrange to have him beaten with a leather strap.

And not in a happy way.

Just... Wow.

posted by Harvey at 9:24:21 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


I'm probably the last person to notice this, but the Bear finally got the Ecosystem de-quirkified. Now I can finally relax and get back to obsessing about my ACCURATE statistics.

By the way, why am I still creeping up the charts? I'm a sick, twisted pervert! You should run screaming the other way and shun me like a leper! But NOOOOOO! You keep linking me instead.

You people need help.

Which, by the way, is available in large quantities at the comment party at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.

Gratuitous linkage to the first person brave enough to try out the mechanical bull. It hasn't been used in a while. God only knows what'll happen...

posted by Harvey at 7:40:23 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


According to my referer logs, I'm the #3 MSN search for "commie hat". So I took a peek at #1.

Precious. Mheh.

posted by Harvey at 7:37:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... that Iraq is worse off now that it was under Saddam.

[reads statement]

[jaw drops to floor]

[picks up jaw, prepares to speak]


[jaws drops back to floor]

[picks up jaw, prepares to speak]


[jaw drops to floor]

[picks up jaw, prepares to speak]


[thinks better of it]

[drops Blix into a plastic shredder to help him understand the meaning of "worse off"]

posted by Harvey at 7:36:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


"Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam"

Whatever, asshat. Just keep in mind that the last Republican to have a Vietnam got re-elected.

Link via USS Clueless, who has an excellent piece on what all this fighting really means: "many of the most dangerous people in Iraq gave us an excuse to destroy them"

posted by Harvey at 7:20:00 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, April 05, 2004



It's always more than sex to sleep with you.
Don't get me wrong; I like to tangle sheets
and hungry scents and taste the salty dew
of glistening sweat where heavy brow meets
soft eyelids closed, relaxed. I'll kiss them, too,
and sample other slow seduction sweets.
But I run out of juice, won't thump my chest
and say I don't, and so I like the rest:
I like to lie, arms wrapped around you, deep
in comfortable darkness where the moon projects
odd patterns on the walls. I want to keep
you safe and warm as winter licks our necks.
You mumble love and slowly fall asleep;
these moments worth much more than simple sex.

[NOTE: Today's love note is not one I've given to Beloved Wife in the past. I stole this from Musings from Brian J. Noggle today.]

posted by Harvey at 9:02:11 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[14 15 16 Fox]

After some initial indecision, Bill Clinton finally decided on the age and physical description of his ideal intern.

[hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one]

posted by Harvey at 8:52:34 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


... is up at WOLves.

My favorite was Susie of Practical Penumbra's entry. A charming tale of multiple disasters at the theater, and that last line just slays me.

posted by Harvey at 8:37:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Nick, the jovial host of the King of the Blogs Tournament, had a senior moment and accidentally deleted the e-mail addresses of this week's KotB tournament contestants. If you're in the KotB tournament this week, drop him a line:

patriot AT

Then whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper so he doesn't do this again.

posted by Harvey at 8:30:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Precision Guided Humor Assignment due 8pm Wed: Add to the list of Fun Facts About Terrorists

Links to current and upcoming linkfests.

posted by Harvey at 8:26:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, April 04, 2004


Maybe I should send a link to this Madfish Willie cow-butchering post to PeTA, which says, in part:

When I was growing up, we grew, killed and processed a lot of our meat. I have butchered cows, pigs and chickens. A cow gets herded into a squeeze chute with a slanted concrete wall on one side and a metal gate on the other. The slanted wall has a purpose. Then, they get shot in the head by a thingy with a powder load that explodes a steel rod into the cows brain. That sack of dead cow meat then falls like a fucking rock and the slanted wall make it slide under the chute gate. It'll knock you on your ass if you're in the way too. Then, hang the cow up by his back feet, slit its' throat and bleed it out. Then, cut off feet, cut off head, save brains for tests, slice open belly, pull out guts, slice off hide, cut in half, hang in the freezer. Simple as pie. Cleaning up afterward was really fucked up though - nasty business!

mmmm... gotta love the ol' "slit & bleed"... Geez, I need a burger...

By the way, that link the Bartender claims is to MY picture? Not true. I'm usually crammed in up to my short ribs.

posted by Harvey at 10:51:37 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


You ever see those really cool scanning electron microscope pictures that reveal the stunning imagery of teeny-weeny things, like a mosquito head or velcro?

Well, they've gone and posted a picture of John Kerry's DNA (scroll to the bottom of the page). Absolutely fascinating, although not terribly surprising.

(hat tip to the Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon for finding the link).

posted by Harvey at 9:47:47 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


As noted at Alliance HQ, Frank J of IMAO published several "Fun Facts About Terrorists" on a recent T-shirt. Here are some of my contributions in the same vein, which will probably wind up on a thong or teddy:

Terrorists often shout "Allah Akbar" just before attacking, which is Arabic for "I'm a dumbass"

Terrorists will often be seen wearing curly-toed, green felt shoes with bells, much like Christmas elves, except more explosive.

Terrorists are usually young men of Middle-Eastern descent, but not always, so as a precaution you should randomly put your hand down women's pants to check for C4.

Large groups of children make prime targets for terrorists. If you see a large group of children, scatter them with a stink bomb for their own good.

The best way to prevent terrorist attacks is by passing strongly worded legislation. Please support the "Don't Blow People Up Act"

If you see a terrorist carrying a bomb, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it while saying "No! Bad!"

Some people think that reasoned discourse is the best way to deal with terrorism. They are either French or stupid. Either way, ignore them.

On the off chance that the French are right, ship all terrorists to France for a good talking to.

When shipping terrorists, be sure to cut air holes in the container before covering the holes over with duct tape.

If the terrorist being shipped starts saying something like "Help! I can't breathe!", don't be alarmed, because that's actually Arabic for "I am happy to be going to France for a good talking to."

Not everyone who shouts "Die American Pigs!" is a terrorist. He might be a commie, a hippy, or Al Franken. Shoot him anyway, just to be safe.

If there is someone on the wing of the airplane trying to wreck the engine, he is probably a gremlin, and not a terrorist. Don't shoot him unless you are William Shatner.

The following people are not actually terrorists: Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garofalo. If you see them, shoot them anyway, because they're damned annoying.

If you're out of bullets, ship them to France.

Use extra duct tape.

Terrorists can often be found in folk bands shaking a wooden hoop ringed with tiny cymbals.

Wait... that's a tambourinist. Don't shoot him because you might run out of bullets, which you'll need if you see Michael Moore.

Poverty is the root cause of terrorism. If you see a poor person, shoot him.

Jews are often victimized by terrorists. If you see a Jew, shoot anyone standing next to him.

Buy a lot of stock in companies that make bullets.

Don't sell the stock, or you'll wind up in jail and Martha Stewart will make you her bitch.

John Kerry is not a terrorist. Don't shoot him, lest the Democrats replace him with a viable Presidential candidate.

Saddam Hussein is a terrorist, but he's been captured, so don't shoot him.

But if you do shoot at him and "accidentally" miss and hit his French lawyer... Hey, I didn't see ANYTHING.

Yasser Arafat isn't a terrorist. He's a... wait... yes he is. Have at him.

Not all terrorists are bad. Some of them are good.

For target practice.

Terrorists would prefer that John Kerry be elected President. If you see someone voting for John Kerry... well, they're probably American citizens and you're probably low on bullets, so just ship them to France. But go easy on the duct tape.

Unless it's Alec Baldwin


posted by Harvey at 7:33:48 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



If I had never met her, I would have dreamed her into being.

posted by Harvey at 7:18:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Pat Duck]

Michael Moore carried around his "lucky bill" for years before someone pointed out to him that it didn't actually say "Fat Dick"

(hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this bill for me)

posted by Harvey at 7:16:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Saturday, April 03, 2004


Pam of Drowning at 2 Feet Sea Level is a bit befuddled on a particular topic, so I thought I'd lend her a virtual hand.

"I don't know what the heck a lagomorph is".

Actually Pam, a lot of people don't, but the answer is quite simple. It comes from two Latin words: "lag", meaning "behind", and "morph" meaning "to change into". So a "lagomorph" is someone who "changes into a behind" or, more commonly, someone who "becomes an ass". Specific examples include:

The NRA - for working hard to protect your right to keep and bear arms while not doing jack shit about getting 20,000 unconstitutional gun laws off the books.

The Libertarian Party - for being in favor of every right in the constitution except the right of a nation to defend itself against terrorists.

Frank J. of IMAO - for blogging about "Music to Whack Terrorists By" without giving a link to his own Alliance, which did a Precision Guided Humor Assignment on it MONTHS ago.

The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon - for taking a month off and leaving the rest of the blogosphere the responsibility of keeping the joint open by partying in his comments. Lazy bastard

Canada - for being right by our side in every major war, but getting a bad case of girly-man when it came to Iraq

France - technically, they've always been asses, so they're just "lags"

John Kerry - for constantly flip-flopping on important issues, which makes him a "lagomorphomorphomorph"

Matty O'Blackfive - for claiming to be an Irishman, yet sometimes going days without making an alcohol-related post.

Joey of Single White Male - for letting his "education" get in the way of his blogging, not to mention giving up his fight for his right to marry a sandwich.

Pam of Drowning at 2 Feet Sea Level - she has a nice ass, which makes her a "benelagomorph"

And finally, Harvey of Bad Money - he used to be such a nice guy, then he started insulting the people who actually bother to read his stupid pisshead blog. More accurately identified as a "dickomorph".

Hope that helps, Pam.

posted by Harvey at 12:12:44 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you but what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example:

1. Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.

4. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

5. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control -- Female .. . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

posted by Harvey at 11:26:22 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, April 02, 2004



It only takes a second to say "I love you", but it will take a lifetime to show you how much.

posted by Harvey at 10:17:29 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


...And the number one way to tell if you're living in a crappy, third-world hell-hole of a country that's frequently plagued by famine is...

posted by Harvey at 10:15:55 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Filthy Lie Round-up: wedgies, scary babies, tasty soft drinks, frightening phone calls, and another MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!

New Filthy Lie assignment: What will Evil Glenn be doing for Easter?

Link round-up entry info.

posted by Harvey at 9:56:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


So I was trying to get my blogging done last night when the phone rang...

Harv: Hello?

Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and ears, but the rest…

Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn

Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?

Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.

Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about…

Harv: Yes?

Evil Glenn: The Blog War is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.

Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.

Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.

Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.

Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Remember when he posted that "In My World" where Chomps got killed?

Harv: Yeah...

Evil Glenn: Well apparently some people didn't appreciate his April Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to de-rectify the katana sheath.

Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!

Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined. You're like a blogospheric Air America.

Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?

Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.

Harv: Awwww…

Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still…

Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!…

Evil Glenn: Another reason I can't hand over Frank is that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all that coffee-up-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness… The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? Exploding heads everywhere!

Harv: Hmmm… I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm – transparent transition.

Harv: Brilliant!… Wait… Hey!

Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.

Harv: I don't know… I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school…

Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."

Harv: 37

Evil Glenn: 111. See?

Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil… but running an empire?…

Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's try something… Pretend you're the new Instapundit… imagine yourself sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a keyboard…

Harv: Mmmm… pure evil…

Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth… could you blend a puppy?

Harv: No! That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?

Harv: … maybe a small one.

Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?

Harv: … is he French?

Evil Glenn: Well… he smells like it.

Harv: Consider him slitted neck to navel.

Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?

Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates…

Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?

Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.

Evil Glenn: Hmmm… maybe you're TOO evil… Anyway, praising commies?

Harv: NEVER!

Evil Glenn: Democrats?

Harv: Nope.

Evil Glenn: Hippies?

Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp…

Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?

Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made him scream "BLAAAAGH!"

Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?

Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?

Evil Glenn: Hmmm… not bad. Put a few feathers on her and…

Harv: Watch it…

Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?

Harv: Let's see… penguins eat fish… fish are the symbol for the astrological sign Pisces… Taurus is an astrological sign… symbolized by a bull… and I DO know of one bull that's quite attractive

Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So… there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.

Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.

Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you.

Harv: Ah, the POWER!

Evil Glenn: A… P… R… I… L…

Harv: Ok, go on.

Evil Glenn: F… O… O… L

Harv: Ok… I hit enter, but nothing happened.

Evil Glenn: Uh… let me spell that to you again… A… P… R… I… L… F… O… O… L

Harv: Nope, still nothing.

Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!

Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!

Evil Glenn: You… never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it out… Dumbass.


So as soon as I get this password to work, will FINALLY be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his site.

A…P… R…

I… N… S… T… A… P… U… N… D… O… D… E… L… E… N… D… A… E… S… T… !

posted by Harvey at 8:26:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, April 01, 2004



I love you more now than when you began to read this sentence.

posted by Harvey at 7:36:43 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


[Happy Birthday Hope    Happy 5th Birthday Hope    From Tio Roy and Barbara]

What Hope said: "Thank you, that's so sweet!

What Hope thought: "Where's my pony?... I asked for a pony... THIS IS NOT A F****** PONY!"

posted by Harvey at 7:35:19 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME


Thanks to some unprotected blogging on my part, a new blogger has hit the 'sphere. My new blogson, Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist.

Pretty impressive, because he went from quiet lurker to commenter to blogger in about a week. Ah, the sweet seduction of free blogging software.

Now that he's got comments working, it's time to send the dogs over to start sniffing his butt... virtually speaking.

He could turn out to be pretty good, since I've never seen homosexual marriage compared to a barbequed pork sandwich before. Interesting. Anyway, he makes a good point here:

[Gay marriage] has the potential to get a percentage of gay people to settle down who never would have. Monogamous relationships = less hanky panky. Less hanky panky = decrease in the spread of disease. Calmer citizenry, less disease, it's a win/win scenario.

To which I'll add the following thought:

I've read something like that elsewhere, and I'm fascinated by the notion. The theory is that one of the reasons for homosexual promiscuity is that, unlike heteros who are, to some degree, expected by a good chunk of society to eventually settle into a monogamous relationship, homosexuals have no such expectation. If gay marriage were encouraged, social pressure to wait for the institution might arise.

On the other hand, gay men are also MEN, and thus horny as Viagra'd bunny rabbits, so maybe this theory is so much dog-wash.

But it's an interesting thought.

At any rate, Johnny-Oh goes onto the blogroll where I can keep one wary eye on him.

I wish I knew who his mother was so I could have her change his diaper. Next time I gotta buy Huggies. [frustratedly mopping up puddle]

posted by Harvey at 7:24:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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