200 WORDS OR LESS:

HAUNTED HOUSE (A FILTHY LIE)

Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...

Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.

Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!

Harv: Who's there?

Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….

Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?

Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.

Harv: You're... you're DEAD?

Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!

Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?

Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.

Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.

Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.

Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?

Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?

Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]

Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.

Instapundo Delenda Est!

 200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE YACHT

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#229: If you owned a yacht, what would you name it?

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As the mighty Death By Capitalism churns the used-condom-befouled waters off the coast of France, a tiny, pathetic, rusty, feeble, listing aircraft carrier is sighted off the port bow. Carnivore Bill, the able-bodied first mate, sounds the alarm to the fearless Cap’n Harv:

Bill: Cap’n! It’s the Cowardly Frog!

Harv: YARRR! The pride of the French fleet! We must sink it or die trying. The world depends on us! Warm up the Metal Storm and frag ‘em with Freedom Fries.

Bill: Aye, Cap’n! Eat potato, ya surly surrender monkeys!

Millions of scorching-hot, tender, tasty tater-spikes, forged in purest animal lard, rain death upon the smelly but hapless French crew.

Bill: [peeping through telescope] The survivors are surrendering, Cap’n!

Harv: That’s nice, but I ain’t done kill’n yet. Time to send those scurvy cheese-chompers to Davy Jones. Blast ‘em with an American Culture Bomb!

Bill: Aye, Cap’n. Cruel, but effective.

A hideous explosion is followed by the deafening compressed sounds of informercials, telemarketers, Jerry Springer re-runs, and suburban white rappers. An unstoppable shockwave reduces the Cowardly Frog to a fine mist of blood spray and powdered rust.

Harv: Well done, lads! Now on to Olongapo for drinks and wenches!

Crew: YARRR!

200 WORDS OR LESS:

A NEW FAD

I tried starting a fad a while back, but during the preliminary focus group meeting…

Harv: Thanks for coming, kids. Now, you remember how much fun pet rocks were, right?

MacKenzie: What's a pet rock?

Harv: Never mind. Anyway, here’s my new creation: Shooty, the Pet Glock.

Maekenzee: My mommy says guns are evil.

Harv: Your mommy is a lying hag of a hippy. Now, this...

Makenzie: Is that the kill'n end?

Harv: No, you little hydrocephaloid, that's the beat'n end. Read the freakin' manual. Anyway, it's like a Tamagotchi. You just keep it fed with happy yum-yum bullets and...

Makynzi: But what does it do?

Harv: Most of the time it just sits & looks pretty, but it comes in handy for pest control. See that cockroach over there?

Shooty: Blam!

Cockroach: Splatter!

Harv: Works great on hippies, too.

Chorus: Waaaaahh! All our mommies are hippies!

Harv: Then die, you evil hellspawn! Here's a little chlorine for the gene pool!

Shooty: Blam! Blam! Blam!

Harv: Damn, they all got away. Well, Mrs. Brady, that's why you need more than 10 rounds in your magazine. Stress can really frink up your aim. *SIGH*...  Back to the drawing board.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

IN FIVE YEARS

Today’s question comes from the Eretz Ha’Chaim Center for Torah Learning, Living, and Farming Application questionnaire:

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How do you envision your spiritual and material growth in the next 5 years? 

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Financially, everyone knows that your future is far too important to leave to chance. It requires intensive study and knowledgeable planning.

But I'm different. Ever since that leprechaun episode, I've been a pretty lucky guy.

So, I figure tomorrow, I'll find a quarter on the sidewalk somewhere. Then I'm gonna go be-boppin' & skattin' into my local Injun Casino and pop that baby into the first slot machine I see, and I'll be like, "Yeah! Score!" for like a thousand bucks.

I'll take that and maybe get some stocks like that rich-ass Buffy Warren guy. I'm not sure which ones to get, but I read once that a lot of people made money from Enron. It's probably still a good deal. Figure I should have like a million bucks from that in about 5 years.

After that, it's just high times, hookers, and a solid gold Lexus. YEAH BABY!

For spirituality, well, I want to be sure to pick the right religion. So I'll just write 'em all down on a piece of paper & do a cow-chip-bingo thing with a hamster. Maybe make it best of three, just to be sure.

Anyway, I'll let you know what happens.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Today’s question is from the “Coming Soon” section of the “Topics” page of the Good News About God site.

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Ruby Ridge and Randy Weaver: When Will They Come For You?

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That’s just paranoid fantasy. Honest citizens have nothing to fear from their government. I have lots of guns, and I’ve never…

[ding dong]

‘Scuse me. Doorbell.

Harv: Yes?

They: We are They. We have come for you.

Harv: Right. [patronizing eye-roll] Could you be a little more vague?

They: BATF

Harv: Bureaucratic Assholes Taking Firearms?

They: Close enough.

Harv: So… what can I do for you?

They: We are here to seize your guns and throw you in a tiny steel cage for the rest of your natural life.

Harv: No thanks. Claustrophobic.

They: Wow! Look at the size of that gun!

Harv: Uh, that’s my dog, Jake.

They: That’s a gun! I see a trigger!

Harv: Male dog, Jake.

They: We will seize him!

Harv: Go ahead, but jack-booted government thugs make him angry…

They: Come with us, evil, furry weapon!

Harv: I can’t watch.

[blur of blood, boots, and badges]

Harv: Heh, tastes like chicken, don’t it, boy?

Jake: WOOF! [wag! wag! wag!]

Anyway, like I was saying, honest citizens need never fear…

Jake: WOOF!

Harv: Still hungry, Jake? Well, ok… um… so the best way to overthrow the government…

[ding dong]

Harv: Eh. It’s cheaper than Iams.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

MEANINGFUL ACTIVITY

Today's topic comes from the Yale undergraduate admission application:

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Describe an interest or activity that has been particularly meaningful to you.

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By day, I'm a mild-mannered bank teller. But when darkness falls, I transform into FRENCH-MAN! The world's most cowardly and annoying superhero. Why, just last night...

French-Man: Hark! I hear a mugging. This looks like a job for... FRENCH-MAN!

[arriving way outside the nick of time]

 French-Man: Hey there, evil criminal. What are you doing to that innocent victim?

Criminal: Beating the crap out of him with this tire iron so I can steal me some crack money. [WHACK!]

Victim: Ow! God! My skull!

French-Man: No need for violence. I'm sure there's a diplomatic...

[WHACK!]

Victim: Oof! My kidneys!

French-Man: Please, Innocent Victim, don't interrupt my beautiful voice. That's cowboyish and rude! Now, if we examine the root causes of this mugger's rage...

[WHACK!]

Victim: AAAAAAAH! My groin!

Criminal: I need money for crack NOW! CRAAAAAAACK!

French-Man: See? Now if you'll just appease him instead of persisting in your unilateral struggles...

Criminal: Can it, Froggy! He's dead and I've got the money... Saaaaaay... what's in YOUR wallet?

French-Man: Uh... I can see my work here is done. I have an important surrendering ceremony to attend across town... YIKES! MOMMY!...

Another day, another diplomatic victory, courtesy of... FRENCH-MAN!

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE BRIEFCASE

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#5: While walking down a street in your neighborhood, you find a black briefcase clearly marked "Highly confidential information enclosed - do not open under any circumstances." What do you do?

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[pop! flip-flip-flip]

Harv: Dear God! It's the monkeys' secret plans for conquering the world! I've got to get these to Frank J. immediately!

[snap! latch!]

Dashing down the sidewalk, I run into an old friend...

[SMACK!]

Harv: Hey! Lucky! I need a favor.

Leprechaun: I'm not a leprechaun, I'm a ll... ah crap! It's you. What the hell do you want?

Harv: Don't get snippy with me, you stumpy, mythological Irish freak! You owe me for not killing you last time.

Leprechaun: Bite me. I'm due on the set of a Lucky Charms commercial.

Harv: Well,... what about for the "milking incident"?

Leprechaun: ...So, what can I do for ya?

Harv: Teleport me to Frank.

Leprechaun: Dumbass. Why don't you just have me kill the monkeys for you?

Harv: How did you know about...

Leprechaun: Hello? Leprechaun? Supernatural powers?

Harv: Right. Do it.

Monkeys world-wide spontaneously combust.

...but somewhere in a dark cave... a voice...

"Fine. You get round 2. Now where's that hammer? It's hobo-whackin' time!"

200 WORDS OR LESS:

OUT WITH FRIENDS

Today's question is from Karin's ESL PartyLand: Teaching Conversation:

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When did you last go out with friends? What did you do?

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I was REALLY drunk at the time, but I’m pretty sure this happened last week. My old Navy buddy, Carnivore Bill, and I crashed an Earth First! meeting…

[knock knock]

Earth First Freak: What’s the password?

Harv: uh… Terra Firma Uber Alles?

EFF: Welcome, Earth Brother, come in and… Great Gurgling Gaia! You’re both naked!

Bill: Of course. Clothing rapes natural resources and oppresses our planet.

EFF: Um… yes… uh… certainly… er… mustn’t oppress… uh… Yeesh! Maybe just a tiny loincloth?

Harv: Hey! It’s not actually tiny, it’s just cold outside, and…

Bill: Let it go, man. So, … AAAHHH! TABLE!

EFF: Table?

Harv: They’ve exploited wood! YOU BASTARDS!

EFF: Wood? But…

Bill: HOLY SPOTTED OWLS! Harv! Look! That wall!

EFF: Wall? wha…?

Harv: CONCRETE! You’re oppressing tiny rock particles! YOU EVIL, SELFISH BASTARDS! Rocks are part of the Earth and have the same rights as plants and animals! Bill, hand me the C4.

Bill: Here ya go.

Harv: Any enviro-freaks who don’t want to become one with the Earth in a red-spray way had best start running like Frenchmen.

[sound of mass mineral liberation]

EPILOGUE:

Harv: Bill, you were naked. Where’d that C4 come from?

Bill: Harv… don’t ask.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE CLINTON LEGACY

Today's question is from Great Questions of History:

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Could Clinton be a successful leader despite his private conduct?

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Taking the question literally, I'm inclined to say, "no". However, as Bill himself taught us, words have many definitions, and answers depend on what each word means. So let's assume:

Could - as in "monkeys could fly out my butt"

Clinton - a small town in Wisconsin

be - a form of "is" - could mean anything

a - is a

successful - not destroying all human life

leader - the first two inches of non-magnetized tape on an audiocassette

despite - not to be confused with "despot"

his - a sexist term, ignore this word

private - not in the sense of "private parts", which are naughty

conduct - moving electricity from hither to yon

So "Will humanity will be destroyed by a small town in Wisconsin as non-despotic flying butt-monkeys (not penises) move electricity around a piece of non-magnetized plastic tape?"

Hmmm... I guess the answer is still "no".

200 WORDS OR LESS:

JUST IMAGINE

Geez, you're one of those "visualize world peace" tweedles, aren't you? All the time going on about "imagine" this and "consider" that, and "we need to have a national debate about the merits of the proposal, taking into full consideration the diverse viewpoints of…”

SHUT THE HELL UP!

You and your dither-skulled ilk are forever blathering on about the "power of imagination" and "the investigation of ideas”, and “talk, talk, yammer, yada, blah, blah…”

PLEASE. JUST. SHUT. UP!

You're the kind of "it's only good if it isn't real" Chomsky-idiot-twaddle-curious-green-ideas-sleep-furiously, “my, isn’t that deep and meaningful and…”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…. BE… QUIET!!!!

You make me so sick with your "imagination is more powerful than knowledge" let's take Einstein out of context and let's just sit around talking and wishing but don't ever lift a finger to do any actual work and….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

Enough of this think & consider & imagine crap! I'm actually going to DO something now by strangling you and decorating my thumbs with your eyeballs and will you please just SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?

….In summary, this experience affected me with a barbed wire migrane. I'm going to lie down for a while.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

DECEIVED!

Today's question comes from Northwestern University's Freshman admission application:

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We are often misled by the appearance of things, of people, even of ourselves. Write about an appearance that deceived you and analyze its significance to you.

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When I was nine, I saw a leprechaun. Unlike some losers, however, I actually caught mine. I was walking through the countryside, enjoying my evening constitutional...

[begin flashback]

Harv: Look! A leprechaun! I'm gonna catch him!

[brief struggle]

Harv: GOTCHA! Now give me the gold, you rotten little leprechaun!

Leprechaun: Let me go ya freakin' lunatic! I'm not a leprechaun! I'm a llama!

Harv: Gimme my gold!

Leprechaun: Look, you psychotic retard, why don't you try reading the sign over there? What's that say?

Harv: Llucky Llarry's Lleprechaun Farm.

Leprechaun: Llama Farm! What's the matter with you, you illiterate feeb? Are you some kind of Massachusetts school superintendent?

Harv: Ha! If you were really a llama, I'd be able to milk you. I'm pulling, but I don't see any milk.

Leprechaun: I'm not female.

Harv: Oops. Sorry.

Leprechaun: Believe me, I'm not that upset. [wink]

Harv: Hmmm... so how come you can talk?

Leprechaun: ...

Harv: Well?

Leprechaun: Baaaa?

Harv: That's a sheep.

Leprechaun: ...crap. Ok, gold's behind that stump.

Harv: Sweet!

[end flashback]

Turns out the "gold" was heavily-corn-fed llama droppings.

Lesson learned: never trust a sober Irishman. Or an Irishman, sober. I forget which.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

CELEBRATING DIVERSITY

Today's question comes from the U of Virginia Freshman entry application:

"What kind of diversity will you bring to U. Va.?"

----------------------------

We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

What you really want to know is whether letting me in will boost your minority body count.

Can't help you there. I'm white.

Terribly white.

I'm "way too many Wisconsin winters spent indoors locked away from the sun's gentle, browning rays" white. Tubercular, nasty, pasty, white. Although "pasty" is actually a misnomer - I make paste look like coal tar.

In fact, I make Edgar Winter look like a Cuban refugee fresh from a 90-day flight-to-freedom inner-tube ride.

I'm "10 million candles per square inch let's blind Spock to kill the alien within" white.

I'm your worst whitemare.

But, on the bright side (heh), since I make everyone else look comparatively darker, when the Federal Diversity Monkeys do a black-count on your student body, you'll end up looking like Tuskegee University, and the government cash-for-coloreds checks will flow like Niagra.

So slap on your sunglasses, play that funky music, and welcome the Super-Honky.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

PROLOGUE 

From entering Frank's permalink contest, and answering all the questions, even when they weren't my responsibility (see Categories list in the sidebar), I've discovered that I sort of like the short essay question format, and I'm considering making it an occasional (or possibly even regular) feature here. Good questions are hard to find, so please feel free to offer suggestions in the comments or via e-mail (but no promises on what gets used). Also, please feel free to use the questions on your own blog as you see fit.