200 WORDS OR LESS:

EITHER/OR

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 35:

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#5 Which are you more afraid of: cancer or impotence?

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Well, there's a pleasant thought.

You know, there are some decisions a man simply shouldn't have to make. That's one. Others would include:

Hernias or leprosy

Tetanus or prison sex

Gangrene or a night alone with Michael at the Neverland Ranch

Athlete's foot or dandruff

Paper cuts or unpaid overtime

Listening to any Jesse Jackson speech or having duct tape removed from my very hairy forearm

Shaving cuts or a football in the groin

Holding my wife's purse while she shops or hammering my thumb

Changing a flat on I-90 during rush hour or attending mandatory "sensitivity training"

Eating tofu or wrestling a rabid St. Bernard

Installing a ceiling fan or trying to explain why Monty Python is funny

Being dropped into a pool of pirahna or an Al Gore presidency

Watching a Truth.com commercial or watching Teletubbies

A hornet's nest in my shorts or forgetting my wife's birthday

Having the cat pee on my bed while I'm in it or a vacation in France

Smelling a hippy or listening to a hippy

Clowns or mimes

Watching "Trading Spaces" or watching "While You Were Out"

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Feel free to suggest other horrid choices in the comments.

ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT: GLENN REYNOLDS' FAVORITE SONG

Sure, I talk to the Instablender once in a while, but it's not like we're friends. So how would I know what his favorite song is? Although a couple days ago, I was walking by his house. Evil Glenn was out digging in his yard, shoveling dirt next to a six foot long black plastic bag like usual, and I could hear him singing.

I recognized the tune as being "I'm Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover", but the lyrics didn't seem right. I crept a little closer, keeping low and hiding behind a hedge, and I finally made them out.

It was horrifying.

Thinking fast, I took out my HP Jornada and recorded his repulsive words.

The MP3 was really lousy quality, so I'm not going to post the recording. But I did manage to transcribe the lyrics. After a little Googling, I found out that it's a fairly popular song amongst puppy blenders. The sickening lyrics can be found here.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

GAMES

Today's question comes from the book Romantic Questions, page 40:

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#1: What was your favorite game as a child?

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Well, you know how it was as a child. One day it's Cowboys & Indians, the next it's Tic-Tac-Toe. Favorites changed on the morning's whim. But I do recall one brief phase as a youngster in the early 70's. My fresh-out-of-college teacher was all excited about this new game...

Teacher: Today, my impressionable youth, we're going to play a game.

Kids: YAAAAY!

Harv: Um,  can't we learn something useful, instead? You know, readin', 'ritin', 'rithmetic...?

Teacher: Plenty of time for that in high school, nerd boy. Anyway, this fun, fun, fun game is called, "Protest The Evil Corporate Polluter."

Kids: YAAAAY! What's a corporate?

Teacher: It's a big, scary monster that eats children and stomps on butterflies.

Kids: WAAAAH! Save the butterflies!

Teacher: That's the spirit. Now get out your crayons and write, "Hug butterflies and stop the evil racist corporate hegemonic oppression."

Harv: Screw that. I'm gonna write, "Teacher's a retarded hippy butt-monkey."

Teacher: Kids, Harvey's not conforming. Pelt him with crayons until he learns to love.

Kids: We. Hear. And. Obey.

Harv: Whoops! Gotta go renew my library card. See ya! [FWING!]

...which is why my favorite game as a child was, "Frame Teacher For Armed Robbery." Winner gets an education, loser gets 20 years of prison sex.

Stupid hippy.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HOT AIR BALLOON

Definitely Paris. From the air, Paris is a glittering jewel of sparkling beauty, as any Luftwaffe pilot will tell you. Add to this the fact that the French people can be neither heard nor smelt at balloon-altitude, and you have a blissful experience second only to the joy of not seeing them either.

My real reason for choosing Paris, though, is guilt. I've been quite the cowboy to our frog-nibbling allies-of-weasel lately. Thoughtless remarks, snarky insults, and impolite truthing have all graced my blog in recent weeks. So, as penance, I should like to float over Paris in a hot air balloon and drop leaflets, thanking them for everything they've done right over the years:

1) Help during the Revolutionary War

2) Selling us the Louisiana Territory

3) The Statue of Liberty

4) Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1895

5) The Eiffel Tower - visually stunning, and the architectural marvel of its day.

Plus all the things they've done in the last 100 years:

Um... er... hmmm... uh... gotta be something...

Oh yeah! Marcel Marceau! Man, I could just listen to him for hours!

Thanks, France!