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Bad Money
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Tuesday, October 14, 2003
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
MEDITATION
Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":
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Suppose that each day you had to spend one hour in private meditation or contemplation and that by snapping your fingers, you could instantly transport yourself anywhere for the duration of this quiet time. Where would you choose to go?
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Last time I used this power, I wound up in a California forest. My old friend Lumberjack Bill was having some problems:
Harv: What's the trouble, Bill?
Bill: I need to cut down a tree, but there's a damn hippy in the way. Same one that chained himself to a tree last week.
Harv: So what? Last week you just sawed his damn arm off and he got himself unchained pretty quickly.
Bill: Yeah, but this time he's way up high and I can't get near the tree at all.
Harv: The smell?
Bill: That too, but it's the singin' that's the real problem.
Harv: Hmmm... I'll see what I can do.
I wandered off and soon heard an off-key screeching, not unlike a blend of Mariah Carey and a hundred mating alley cats:
"Tofu, granola, and Birkenstock sandals,
Incense, patchouli, and spacey drip candles,
Acid and Phish songs, such good times they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things!"
Harv: Gotta stop this nightmare! Hmmm... what would Darwin do?... AHA!
[5 minutes later]
Bill: What happened? I heard a scream and a thud.
Harv: Think, Bill. How do you get a one-armed hippy out of a tree?
[Together, smiling]: Wave!
posted by Harvey at 6:52:30 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, October 12, 2003
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
LAST WORDS
Today's question comes from Joey, of Single White Male, who's holding a contest for the best answer, with a one dollar prize for the winner. Dana beat me in his last contest. Sure, she had a good answer, but I'm bettin' those wet-dream boobies of hers tipped the scales in her favor.
Enough griping. Here's the question:
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After a shipwreck you are abandoned on a desert island, you have your choice of four books. You choose a book about knots, a book about law, a book about Karate and a thesaurus, and burn them to send a signal, unfortunatley, an evil and hungry band of pirates discovers you, and decides they're going to eat you. Luckily, you know how to escape from the ropes, and right when they have all of their forks posed, you whip out with your mad karate skills and kill every last one of them. Unfortunatley, without the crew you cannot control the ship, and after several days of aimless drifting, you run into a navy aircraft carrier right off the coast of the United States. The Navy ship isn't damaged beyond repair, and no one is hurt, but you're hauled into court for the murder of the eighteen pirates, and for attemped murder, and any other kind of charges you would get for crashing a pirate ship into an Aircraft Carrier. Luckily, you know the laws, and you try your darndest to get out of it, but even your extensive vocabulary doesn't help you, because you actaully did everything they accused you of. So, you're sentenced to death. Then, right before they inject you with the "Death Juice," they let you say a few words. What will your last words be?
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I was in this very situation just last week. So I shouted "Look! It's Britney Spears and she's completely naked!"
As everyone turned to look, I snuck out the back door. Fortunately, the naked person in question was actually Helen Thomas, so all the guards were too busy screaming, puking, and trying to claw their own eyes out to make any attempt to stop me.
Free at last, I knew I had to clear my name. I called Johnny Cochrane, and he managed to get me a new trial.
Unfortunately, he soon found out how horrifyingly white I am, and that no bloody gloves were involved, so he told me to go f*** myself, and I was forced to act as my own attorney.
During the trial, I produced evidence that the murdered "pirates" were actually Jacques Chirac, Dominique De Villepin, Kofi Annan, Gerhard Schroeder, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Jeanine Garofalo, Natalie Maines, Barbra Streisand, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Evil Bert.
Not only was I acquitted, they’re throwing a ticker-tape parade in my honor next Tuesday. You're all invited.
posted by Harvey at 12:24:51 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, October 10, 2003
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
INSTITUTION
Today's question comes from the book "The Conversation Piece":
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#17 If you could have any building or institution named after you, which one would you choose?
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At Harv's Hippy Cleansing Center, we turn filthy hippies back into productive citizens through the magic of negative reinforcement. Let me just grab my Louisville Slugger ClueBat, and I'll give you a tour:
Here in the Rush Room, we break spirits with 24-7 re-runs of Rush Limbaugh.
Hippy: Please! I'm going crazy! Just let me have five minutes of NPR!
Harv: No! [WHACK!] Bad hippy! [WHACK!] We don't use the N-word here! [WHACK!]
Moving on, we have the cafeteria. Converting vegetarians can be difficult, so we usually start them off with McDonald's hamburgers, which are mostly just sawdust & rat turds anyway.
Hippy: Please! Just one bite of tofu? A bean sprout? Anything that didn't used to have eyes?
Harv: Here, eat this! [WHACK!]
In this room, the Emperor is holding a class on Basic Human Decency:
Misha: All right asshats, pop quiz: A Paleswinian explodes on a bus full of kids. Good or Bad?
Hippy: Well, the root causes…
Misha: WRONG! [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!] There. Now you're smarter.
Harv: Or deader.
Misha: Eh. Whichever.
Well, I gotta go lead a hygiene seminar. Thanks for coming, and ...
Damn hippy! Stop trying to smoke the soap! [WHACK!]
posted by Harvey at 7:45:35 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, October 06, 2003
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
UNMENTIONABLES
Today's question comes from the book: "The Relationship Q&A":
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1. [Boxers or briefs?] Do you wander around in your underwear at home?
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Well,... not my underwear...
posted by Harvey at 10:25:58 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, October 05, 2003
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
BEING INANIMATE
Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":
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#231 If you could be any inanimate object for a day, what would you be?
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Actually, I had this experience recently. Just last week I bumped into Lucky again, and he turned me into a cloud...
...This ain't so bad. Just floating along with my fellow clouds... Hi fellow cloud!
Fellow Cloud: Piss off!
... Well, that explains why clouds wander lonely. Maybe those geese are friendlier. Hi geese!
AAAAAAHHH! They're crapping on me! EWWWW!
Whoa. Hey. Passed right through. Cool.
What's down there? A couple hippies smokin' a joint. I wonder if I can...
[sprinkle sprinkle]
Have some cloud-whiz, boys! Tough lighting a wet roach, ain't it? HA HA!... Stupid hippies.
Look, there's bunches more. Must be a protest. What's that sign say? "No free blood for Mumia's oil"? What the...?
OOOOOO! Those incoherent 60's temporal-lock-jawed fruitcakes make me so mad I could just...
[KKKKRRRACKKK!]
Cool! Lightning! That hippy's dancing the Flaming Macarena now!
Hmmm... there's a parked truck carrying a load of Tide over there. I wonder...
[KKKKRRRACKKK!]
[FWOOM!]
Just like Postal 2. Now...
[sprinkle sprinkle]
Heh. Those hippies are all shiny white & Republi-clean now.
Ahhhh. Life is good...
What the…? OH CRAP! 767 jet intake! NOOOOOOOOO!
[PHOOT!]
posted by Harvey at 11:05:42 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 6:12:26 PM.
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