200 WORDS OR LESS:
LAST WORDS
Today's question comes from Joey, of Single White Male, who's holding a contest for the best answer, with a one dollar prize for the winner. Dana beat me in his last contest. Sure, she had a good answer, but I'm bettin' those wet-dream boobies of hers tipped the scales in her favor.
Enough griping. Here's the question:
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After a shipwreck you are abandoned on a desert island, you have your choice of four books. You choose a book about knots, a book about law, a book about Karate and a thesaurus, and burn them to send a signal, unfortunatley, an evil and hungry band of pirates discovers you, and decides they're going to eat you. Luckily, you know how to escape from the ropes, and right when they have all of their forks posed, you whip out with your mad karate skills and kill every last one of them. Unfortunatley, without the crew you cannot control the ship, and after several days of aimless drifting, you run into a navy aircraft carrier right off the coast of the United States. The Navy ship isn't damaged beyond repair, and no one is hurt, but you're hauled into court for the murder of the eighteen pirates, and for attemped murder, and any other kind of charges you would get for crashing a pirate ship into an Aircraft Carrier. Luckily, you know the laws, and you try your darndest to get out of it, but even your extensive vocabulary doesn't help you, because you actaully did everything they accused you of. So, you're sentenced to death. Then, right before they inject you with the "Death Juice," they let you say a few words. What will your last words be?
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I was in this very situation just last week. So I shouted "Look! It's Britney Spears and she's completely naked!"
As everyone turned to look, I snuck out the back door. Fortunately, the naked person in question was actually Helen Thomas, so all the guards were too busy screaming, puking, and trying to claw their own eyes out to make any attempt to stop me.
Free at last, I knew I had to clear my name. I called Johnny Cochrane, and he managed to get me a new trial.
Unfortunately, he soon found out how horrifyingly white I am, and that no bloody gloves were involved, so he told me to go f*** myself, and I was forced to act as my own attorney.
During the trial, I produced evidence that the murdered "pirates" were actually Jacques Chirac, Dominique De Villepin, Kofi Annan, Gerhard Schroeder, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Jeanine Garofalo, Natalie Maines, Barbra Streisand, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Evil Bert.
Not only was I acquitted, they’re throwing a ticker-tape parade in my honor next Tuesday. You're all invited.
posted by Harvey at 12:24:51 AM permalink HOME
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