Friday, May 07, 2004
BLOGLESS SALLY'S FILTHY LIE
One of the Alliance's blogless Sympathetic Civilians (Sally) asked me
to post her filthy lie for her. Since it's a good first effort, I see
no reason not to:
(Glenn Reynolds, Harvard, circa 1991
sitting on his beanbag of the blackest ice still awaiting his throne)
...Tap... tap... tap...
"Ahhh the trusty old BBC Micro. Muwahahaha! Bow...
down... before... the... Evil... Internet... Overlord!!!! Heh,
....Reconnection noise of
"Heh! Not enough people on this internet-thing to
....Reconnection noise of
"Gives me time to work on my typing speed and look at www.penguinporn.com
flightless aquatic arctic waterfowl tastefully posed."
....Reconnection noise of
"Damn my ISP and Dial
....Reconnection noise of
"I am now a FULLY FLEDGED megalomaniac! Sorry,
LAWYER. If only I didn't feel so lethargic!"
....Blender noises and
WWWWHHHIIIIIRRRRRRRR..... YIP YIP YIP
"Mmmmm. Springer spaniel puppy. Gives me a nice
spring in my step. Now where was I?? Heh. Ignore my first post. I am now secure
in Castle Glenn. The bones of hobos and puppies litter the great hall. I have
several hundred pairs of socks to go with my sandals. I own 10 of the finest
Italian mopeds with their 1 forward and 10 reverse gears. Black
Mass is held thrice daily and due to my high energy diet (the Alsation
diet - high in carbs and collars so forget Atkins! ) I have even managed to
punch bloggers in my specialist French Schoolgirl form of martial art. What time
is it? Really? I still have time to make 3999 more posts in the next hour
...Tap... tap... tap... heh... tap...
tap... tap... link... tap... tap... tap... indeed...
If you liked this, please leave some encouragement in the comments, and
we'll see if we can get Sally's courage up to start a little something
at Blogspot, and perhaps move on from there.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:18:26 PM permalink HOME
EVIL GLENNS FIRST POST
(A FILTHY LIE ASSIGNMENT)
I wandered into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon the other night, mostly to check out the damage from the comment party.
Looked like the clean up was coming along fine, although the guys in
the HazMat suits were a little creepy. Anyway, I figured a Guinness and
some of Matty O'Blackfive's war stories would do me good.
But Matty wasn't there.
So I inquired politely of the Bartender...
Harv: Hey Bartender! Where the f*** is Matty? He was supposed to meet me here.
Bartender: How the f*** should I know, asshole? Do I look like his f***** mother?
Harv: Only by way of the hairy back. This is just weird. He's always here.
Bartender: Now that I think about it, he did
call and leave a message. Something about he wasn't coming tonight
because he was going to spend the evening playing "bats" with Little
Harv: "Bats"? What the hell is "bats"?
... Meanwhile at a filthy hippy protest rally in Chicago...
Filthy Hippy Dude: Iraq is Bush's Vietnam! Uh... something... something... something... bomb!
Matty: Ok, Little Blackfive, do it just like I taught you.
Little Blackfive: Ok, dad.
Filthy Hippy Dude: Condi Rice sure
lies a lot! Condi Rice sure is a... Oh, hey little midget dude! Wait...
you're not a midget, you're a child. That means... [thinking really hard for a hippy]... You're one of THE CHILDREN (tm)! There's nothing I wouldn't do for THE CHILDREN (tm)!
Little Blackfive: Good. Then stand still, f***face. [swinging Louiville Slugger] *CRACK!*
Filthy Hippy Dude: OH GOD! My kneecaps! I'll never walk again!
Little Blackfive: Or reproduce [laying a Barry Bonds on Filthy Hippy Dude's gonads] *WHACK!*
Filthy Hippy Dude: AIEEEEEE!
Little Blackfive: How was that, Dad?
Matty [tousling his hair]: That's my boy!
Bartender: You're right. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe he said "catch". Anyway, what's your poison?
Harv: Guinness. Cold. And a CLEAN glass, if you don't mind.
Bartender: Persnickety bitch. At least my glasses are cleaner than your skid-marked underwear.
Harv: I prefer to think of them as "performance art".
Bartender: Whatever. You gonna pay for that, or just stand there twiddling your dick?
Harv: Both [flipping paper onto the bar]
Bartender: What the f*** is that? That's not money, that's just a piece
of paper with some scribbling on it. Is that a love note or
Harv: No, Love Notes are for my wife.
Bartender: You think I'm your wife?
Harv: Nah, my wife at least bathes on occasion. You're just my bitch. Now what the hell does that thing say?
Bartender "Lie assignment - Glenn's first post". You want to ride Glenn's post? Sick bastard!
Harv: AW SHIT! I knew I forgot
something. I have to find out about Evil Glenn's first post so I have a
Filthy Lie for the round-up on Friday, and I haven't even started.
Bartender: Not that it matters. Your crap is about as funny as a porcupine enema anyway.
Harv: Beats your dumb-ass cow jokes, though. Damn. I gotta get outta here & do some research.
Bartender: Screw that. Why don't you just have your blogless brother hack into Glenn's computer & do some pokin' around?
Harv: Nah. That's GEBIV'S schtick.
Harv: Nevermind. Look, why don't you come with me & help me dig up the dirt?
Bartender: Because you're a retarded monkey humper.
Harv: Besides that.
Bartender: Eh. No reason. Nobody's in here anyway. I'll kick the HazMat guys out & close early.
Harv: Great! To the Drunkmobile!
Bartender: Can't do that. I let Eric borrow it for the night.
Harv: Eric? That souse? You think that was a good idea?
Bartender: He's a responsible former Marine. What could happen?
... Meanwhile at a nearby demolition derby...
Eric: YEEEEEE-HAWWW! *CRASH* WHOO-HOO! *crumple* Yippee-ki-yay mother- *SMASH*
Harv: I guess you're right. Come on. We'll take my Yugo.
We drove through the night, narrowly avoiding being caught in a toxic monkey-dung spill, and soon arrived at Evil Glenn's sinister compound...
Bartender: I can't believe you drove to Tennessee from Texas via Milwaukee. Why the f*** didn't you stop to ask directions?
Harv: Because I have a penis. Duh! All men are genetically incapable of admitting they're lost.
Bartender: I know that. I just thought that a mutant freak like yourself would be exempt.
Harv: You're just jealous because my size 12 shoes prove the old wive's tale. What size Nike's are YOU sporting?
Bartender [blushing & looking away]: Size 5... boys.
Harv: You've got short, stubby fingers, too.
Bartender: F*** you! Let's just get this over with. I've got a date later.
Harv: She can wait. Inflatable Katie's a patient gal.
Bartender: Hey! She may be a blow-up doll, but at least... uh... anyway, can we get on with this?
We snuck up to the main building, pausing only to kick a few of his killer attack rabbits out of the way (no offense, Roxette).
Harv: I didn't know bunnies could scream like that.
Bartender: Still sounds better than homicidalManiak's singin'
Harv: I don't think it's a good idea to make fun of a woman who wields a hatchet-saw.
Bartender: Oh f*** her. She can take a joke. So, how do we get in, Einstein?
Harv: Maybe ring the doorbell... [ding dong]
Jen [answering door in black leather catsuit]: Yes? May I help you?
Harv: Greetings, oh erotically clad minion of the dark puppy-blending overlord of the blogosphere. We are weary travellers who have sojourned many leagues, seeking knowledge of...
Jen: Let me re-phrase that. What the f*** do you want?
Bartender: Let me handle this, Wordsworth. We need access to Evil Glenn's computer database for a Filthy Lie assignment.
Jen: Sure. Come on in.
Harv: What? Just like that? I thought you were Evil Glenn's loyal minion and/or spicy sex toy?
Jen: Technically, yes, but I haven't been paid in over a month. Seems Mr. Important has been squandering the payroll on penguin porn and ivory-handled hobo-filleting knives. I'm game for a little payback.
Harv: Sweet! Lead on. And, uh... walk slowly. We'll fantasize... er, fondle… FOLLOW you.
Jen led us to a small office containing an ancient TRS-80....
Jen: That was Glenn's first computer. It should have what you're looking for.
Harv: Great! What's the password?
Jen: Shut up! I'm trying to do my nails.
Harv: Fine. Let's see... DRINKPUP... Hey! Got it in one. Now we just look for the earliest date, and... Oh my...
Bartender: Naked Helen Thomas?
Harv: No... it's... geez, I knew Glenn was a pathetic geek loser, but...
Bartender: Well? Either tell us or move your pointy head so I can read it.
Harv: Unbelievable... it says:
It's time to end this ridiculous debate once and for all. With my devastating intellectual brilliance, I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kirk was by far the superior Starship Captain, and that Picard was a total loser. The following 100 pieces of evidence are indisputable:
100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
Harv: He actually listed 100 different reasons.
Bartender: What a dweeb. What's that one comment to the post say?
Harv: "U R dum. Picard roolz cuz:"
101. Two Words: better voice.
100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
98. Picard fires both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
96. Picard hates children -- Kirk
once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console
them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
95. Picard was responsible for
Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her
presence, yet still manged to make her fall for him.
94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
Harv: This one has 101. Guess that solves THAT argument once and for all. And it's signed... Frank J.
Bartender: You mean Frank might have misled us as to the real reason for his declaring war on Glenn?
Harv: Frank lied
Bartender: But puppies died!
Harv: Such a moral quandry.
Jen: Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to watch my tape of the last episode of Friends.
Harv: What for? They kiss, happy ending, blah, blah, blah..
Jen: You BASTARD! I'll strangle you dead!
Bartender: Come on Harv, time to go.
We ran back to the Yugo, pausing only to turn around occasionally to
enjoy the sight of Jen's leather-clad jiggling as she pursued us.
Fortunately, her six-inch stilletto heels slowed her down enough to
allow us to make good our escape. After another short detour through
Wisconsin, where we were almost run off the road by the state's thoroughly hammered Attorney General, we arrived safely back at Madfish Willie's...
Bartender: Well, Harv, are you going to tell the truth about what you
discovered, even though it may destroy Frank's credibility?
Harv: The truth must be told, otherwise the Alliance will lose the moral high ground in our battle against evil.
Bartender: But I thought the Alliance was based on Filthy Lies?
Harv: Aw shit. Another moral
quandry. Maybe I'll just lie about it being the truth, in which case
the truth will be a filthy lie and because I lied about the truth being
a lie, it'll still be a filthy lie.
Bartender: Sorta like "Bowling for Columbine"?
Bartender: Do whatever ya want, dipshit, this is my stop. I gotta go back in the bar & tidy up a few things.
Harv: You mean pull Inflatable Katie of that shelf in the closet.
Bartender: Pretty much.
Harv: Tell her I said "Hi"… say… who's that standing in front of the bar?
homicidalManiak [casually twirling hatchet-saw]: So… Bartender… don't like my singing?
Bartender: …oh …crap … Uh… Hey! Look over there! Is that a bowl of lime Jello?
hM: Soul food? Where?
Bartender: Sucker! [FWING!]
hM: [jumping into my car]: Quick! Get this Yugo into gear & run him down!
Harv: Did you just use the words "quick" and "Yugo" in the same sentence?
hM: I did, didn't I?… *giggle*… Nevermind.
Harv: Say... how'd you know what the Bartender said about you, anyway?
hM: I'm LDS, remember? The Mormon Temple is part of the Illuminati, so I can find out pretty much anything.
Harv: You mean you could have found out about Evil Glenn's first post for me?
hM: What, that stupid Star Trek thing? I thought everybody knew about that! I've even got the T-shirt, see? [opening jacket to reveal "Glenn's First Post" T-shirt, with Kirk's reasons on the front and Picard's reasons on the back]
hM: Did I say something wrong?
Harv: No… no… come on, I'll take ya home. Maybe you can sing me a song with that pretty voice of yours while I drive?
hM: Sure. Anything in particular?
Harv: Some Warren Zevon would be nice. I think you know the one [putting the car in gear and getting up to speed].
HM: Sure do. *AHEM*
I started as an alter boy, working at the church
Learning all my holy moves, doing some research
Which led me to a cash box, labeled "Children's Fund"
I'd leave the change, and tuck the bills inside my cummerbund
Harv: Oh yeah!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:09:35 PM permalink HOME
Friday, April 30, 2004
(A FILTHY LIE)
When you see a picture like that, how can you help but caption it like this?:
Glenn is stoned
and high on drugs
he should learn
to give more hugs
It's just kinda creepy that Glenn only has 3 fingers on each hand like some kind of cartoon character
His gaze fixated on his canine quarry, Glenn SLOOOOOOWLY reached for his Pocket Blend-o-Matic
Every year, Glenn moved his eyebrows further down his forehead. In
2006, he would finally achieve his dream of having the world's bushiest
eyelashes. The Maybelline contract would be his. Yes it would.
Glenn "Shorty" Reynolds proves the old wives' tale about what you can tell about a man from the length of his fingers.
They didn't sell any T-shirts, but sales of Road Kill Possum brand toupees went through the roof.
I... gotta... go... so.. BAD!
Proceeds from the sales of this T-shirt will be donated to the "Buy Glenn a Belt So He Doesn't Have To Hold Up His Pants With His Hands" fund.
"I see dead people"
As the car bore down on him, Glenn just stood in the middle of the road, staring at the pretty headlights.
Glenn Reynolds' entry in the Mr. American Hottie contest, while bringing the gift of laughter to millions, still wound up finishing behind Urkel in a thong.
Glenn says, "Buy this T-shirt and you'll always remember which side is "left".
18 reasons why Glenn, while still a ruthless, puppy-blending, hobo-murdering megalomaniac, isn't ALL bad.
Chekhov called - he wants his hair back.
Having lost most of his fingers in a tragic blogging accident, Glenn sank to T-shirt modeling on his path to rock bottom, finally ending up as a boy toy in a Bangkok brothel.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:38:06 PM permalink HOME
Friday, April 23, 2004
(A FILTHY LIE)
There are a lot of things to see at Instapundit.com,
a spiffy little logo, millions of posts, a 500-yard-long blogroll and
the corpses of blended puppies. But there are some things that are
notably lacking. For instance, he has no comments. Since Glenn Reynolds
is swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of
godhood, it's not surprising that he has no interest in the opinions of
the millions of "little people" who read him daily. The other thing he
doesn't have is a quality "about me" post. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb
about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze
upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something
more personal. So I'm
offering this list of "Fun Facts About Glenn Reynolds" for him to copy
& paste into his sidebar. (Yes, I know "Fun Facts" is Frank J's schtick, but since he never reads me anyway, he'll never know I stole it.)
FUN FACTS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS
Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of
carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear
about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.
Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.
Except in France.
Before he types them up, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen dipped in puppy blood, and writes on hobo-skin parchment.
Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR
Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat
kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a
group of feral boys.
Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.
It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.
According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"
Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7
pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly
the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on
any given day.
Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.
Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.
Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"
People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:37:13 PM permalink HOME
Monday, April 19, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
FILTHY LIE NEWS FLASH
Just got a report from Blogless Brother Tom. Apparently when Tom stuffed a Mac in Evil Glenn's PC case as an April Fools' Day prank, he also made himself a copy of a few files.
Of special interest to those keeping score on Glenn's nefarious deeds were two pictures from the folder marked "Hobo Kill'n Pictures I Took With My Head-Mounted Wireless Web Cam".
One labeled "before".
One labeled "after".
Gives me the willies, it does.
Oh, and any resemblance between these pictures and screen captures from "Postal 2" is purely coincidental.
posted by Harvey at 10:31:51 PM permalink HOME
Friday, April 09, 2004
EVIL GLENN'S EASTER
(A FILTHY LIE)
So I went to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon on Good Friday night to soak up a little atmosphere at the comment party. Carefully drying the unmentionable fluids from a nearby chair, I plunked down next to Matty O'Blackfive.
Harv: Hey Matty. Staying sober tonight?
Matty: Don't blaspheme. And I don't know what you're talking about. I've already put away two cases.
Harv: Then how come the table's not covered with beer bottles?
Matty: Oh… that... Tiffany & LeeAnn took 'em into the Champagne Room. They're having a bottle-stacking contest with some of the other Corner of the Bar Babes.
Harv: Hmmm... No hands?
Harv: Spy-cam & VCR running?
Matty: Of course.
Harv: That was Mike the Marine's cue to shout "Brilliant!" Where the hell is he?
Matty: He's in Iraq doing a little mopping up around Fallujah.
Harv: I hope he's ok.
Matty: I think he can handle himself...
...Meanwhile in Iraq...
Mad Mohammed [swinging a scimitar around in fearsome circles]: ululululululululululu!
Mike the Marine [rolling eyes & drawing Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*
Mad Mohammed [gazing with surprise at the empty hole previously occupied by his midsection]: URK! *WHUMP!*
Harv: Yeah, I suppose you're right. So... what are you doing for Easter?
Matty: I'm taking Little Blackfive to his first Easter Egg hunt.
Harv: So you brought him here to get a little practice?
Matty: Sure. Wouldn't want him to get shown up by those little hippy brats in day care.
Harv: True, but do you think it was a good idea to let Goldie help with the training?
Goldie: Hey Little Blackfive, I've got 3 Easter eggs hidden in a secret place. Wanna try to find 'em?
Matty: Maybe he IS a little young for that. Come here Little Blackfive!
Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY! The nice lady was going to show me her "special Easter basket"!
Matty: Yeah, *ahem* well, why don't you come here anyway. I've got some jelly beans for ya.
Little Blackfive: Yay! Jelly Beans!
Harv: Maybe you should've left him alone. He's got to learn about
"Easter baskets" somewhere, and Goldie's a mighty fine place to start...
Matty: What? Are you nuts? Mrs. Blackfive would kill me! I already had to promise her two hours of alphabet time
just to get her to let me bring the boy with me tonight. If I brought
him home with an "education", she'd probably make me wear the French
Maid costume, too!
Harv: You do look quite fetching in that...
Matty: Shut up!
Little Blackfive: Daddy, these jelly beans taste like poo-poo!
Matty: Little Blackfive! Such horrible language! What did daddy teach you to say?
Little Blackfive: Sorry. These jellybeans taste like fresh shit out of a mangy dog's ass.
Matty: That's my little Drill
Sergeant! Hmmm... let me try one... *chew, chew*... *spitooie!*
GAH! It's like a combination of brussel sprouts & vomit! Try one.
Harv: *chew, chew*... *spitooie!* YEESH! Actually it was more like a Budweiser flavor, but still... BLECCH!
Matty: Let me see that jelly bean bag... AHA! Just as I thought! Radio tower with lighting bolts emblem and "a product of Evil Glenn Industries". Looks like that bastard Reynolds is out to ruin yet another holiday. Damn, and I still haven't recovered from that St. Patrick's Day adventure.
Harv: Maybe because you've been drinking continuously between then and now?
Matty: That's beside the point. Now... we're gonna need some help.
Harv: Yeah. I wish Mike were here. He's got a talent for tricky assignments.
... Meanwhile in Iraq...
Annoying Ahmed: Filthy Yankee pig
dog! There is but a single pistol equidistant from both of us. Whoever
gets it will kill the other.
Mike: Tell ya what, camel-humper, I'll roshambo you for it.
Annoying Ahmed: What's that?
Mike: Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the gun.
Annoying Ahmed: Well... ok.
Annoying Ahmed: AIEEEEEE! *WHUMP!*
Mike [rolling eyes and picking up Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen South Park? *BLAM!*
Harv: Anyway, how about Dana?
Matty: Nah, she's a little too pregnant for this one.
Harv: Yeah, but she's got really perky nipples.
Matty: Hmmm… yeah… uh, No! Too dangerous. How about Susie?
Harv: She's kinda busy rounding up that new popcorn popper for the theater...
...Meanwhile in Indiana...
Susie [on the phone]: Ok, I'll give you $200 and "the Reddi-Wip experience", but NO spanking!
Matty: What about Heather? She's good muscle.
Harv: Nope, she's still doing that photo-shoot for the Car & Driver "Bent Over Babes" issue.
Matty: Hmmm… Goldie?
Goldie: Did someone call me?
Harv: Yeah, we need you to help us with a mission.
Goldie: Great! I love that position!
Matty: That's not what he meant!
Matty: No time for that now. Goldie, just come with us.
Goldie: Maybe even before & after, too *giggle*
Harv: Maybe. To the Drunkmobile!
Matty: To the Drunkmobile!
Goldie: To drunks in high heels!
Matty: ...Are you sure about this, Harv?
Harv: Trust me.
Matty: Ok... wait... Who's going to watch Little Blackfive.
Harv: Oh, I think the Bartender can handle it...
Bartender: Why did the horse cross the road?
Little Blackfive: Because the chicken needed a day off.
Bartender: Good! Now say "Harvey is a Shpxurnq!!1!"
... We sped through the night, quickly arriving at our destination...
Matty: The Evil Glenn Industries Jelly Bean Factory. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Harv: Can you please quote something from this century?
Matty: ... Wazzzzzuuuuup?
Harv: Nevermind. Goldie, come with us.
Goldie: Yes I have. Mmmm.... You military guys really know how to stand and salute!
Matty: Paratroopers always dive right in.
Harv: And sailors like to ride anything wet. Let's get moving...
...We strolled relatively unimpeded through the poorly guarded factory,
pausing only for Goldie to make suggestive remarks about any object
that was even vaguely phallic. Since this basically included everything
that was taller than it was wide, it made for slow going. Nevertheless,
we soon arrived at a door marked "Evil Glenn's Private Secret Inner
Sanctum and Puppy Blending Emporium" which Matty kicked in
Matty: All right, Evil Glenn, the jig is up!
Harv: Surrender or die!
Goldie: I want to have sex with you!
Matty & Harv [turning to stare at Goldie]: Wha?
Goldie [blushing]: Sorry, force of habit *giggle*
Evil Glenn: Whatever. You're too late to stop me. I've already made Al Franken a talk radio star! MUAHAHAHA!
Matty: Um... Actually, we were here about the jelly beans?
Evil Glenn: Oh... that... yes... well... you're too late for that, too.
Now leave me alone. I've got a Shi-tzu coagulating in the Oster.
Matty: Look, my kid almost died from eating one of your crappy jelly beans. We're here to put a stop to your vile activities.
Harv: Yeah! What he said! And what the hell did you put
in those jelly beans, anyway? I haven't had such a bad taste in my
mouth since that time I accidentally grabbed a Miller Light while
reaching for my Guinness. I had to chug the spittoon to clear my palate
after that one.
Evil Glenn: Haggis.
Harv: EWWWWW! But why?
Evil Glenn: All part of my latest sinister plot to destroy a precious
national holiday. You see I've recently come across the concept of Earth Dinner.
A vile project promoted by filthy hippies to get people to eat dirt and
weeds while spreading lies about global warming and acid rain. Those
atrocious jelly beans will make people hate Easter, so they'll start
celebrating the next closest holiday, which is Dirt Day.
Matty: Earth Day.
Evil Glenn: Whatever. Anyway, Evil Glenn Industries has already
purchased huge soy and tofu production facilities to take advantage of
the soon-to-be-increasing demand. I'll make MILLIONS!
Matty: No you won't, because we're going to stop you!
Harv: Ummm… hold that thought, Matty… Did you say… millions?
Evil Glenn: Yup.
Harv: ...and this Evil Glenn Industries… looking for investors, by any chance?
Evil Glenn: Ground floor possibilities exist, yes.
Matty: Dammit, Harv! Snap out of it! He's EVIL!
Harv [dreamily]: … millions of dollars…
Matty: Harv, he's out to destroy an entire national holiday. Think about the children!
Harv: YOU think about the children. I'm thinking about the rubbing
piles of ill-gotten greenbacks all over my sweaty, naked body. Besides
I hate children.
Matty: Harv, I know, and that's what I'm talking
about. If Glenn destroys Easter, think about the children… the whiny,
irritable, children who want candy but can't get it. Everywhere you go,
hordes of bitchy little crumb-crunchers, going "WAAH! WAAH! I want
candy! I want candy! Gimme candy! WAAH! WAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Harv: Good point. All right, Evil Glenn, prepare to be thwarted!
Evil Glenn: So you guys remembered to bring a gun this time?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm. Heh. Indeed. Now run along, little incompetents, I have cruelty to inflict.
Matty: Harv, I thought YOU brought the gun?
Harv: Well, I set it on the table when I came into the bar, but it wasn't there when we left, so I thought YOU grabbed it.
… Meanwhile at Madfish Willie's…
*BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!]
Little Blackfive: Whee! That was fun Mr. Bartender! More! More!
Bartender: Heh. Sure, ya little scamp. You're almost as good at "shotglass skeet" as your old man.
Matty: I guess we're doomed.
Harv: Since we're doomed anyway, maybe we should buy a few shares of…
Matty: SHUT! UP!
Goldie: Oh YOOOO-HOOOO! Mr. Reyyyy-nolds!
… We turned to look and saw Goldie dressed in a provocative skin-tight spandex penguin costume…
Evil Glenn: *drool* mmm… live action penguin porn…
Goldie [whispering]: Wait for me in the Drunkmobile. I'll handle this…
Harv: Can we watch?
Matty: *WHACK!* C'mon. Let the girl work.
Harv: OW! Maybe we could videotape...
… 10 minutes later, Goldie joined us in the car.
Goldie: Here, Harv. Catch [throwing remote-contol-like object]
Harv: What's this?
Goldie [coyly]: Push the button & find out.
Harv: Ok [*push*]
Matty: Huh. Remote control self-destruct for the jelly bean factory. How convenient.
Harv: Standard Evil Overlord stuff. But still, the hang-time for the debris is pretty impressive.
Matty: So, Goldie, what happened in there?
Goldie: A little teasing, a little bondage, a little leaving him
handcuffed to the bed screaming in terror as I walked off with the
Harv: You mean you didn't take advantage of him first?
Goldie: EWWW! He's a LAWYER! I don't mate outside my species!
Matty: So… looks like this is the end of Evil Glenn. There's no way he escaped that blast. Let's get back to the bar…
Evil Glenn [crawling out from under a pile of rubble]: I am SO in love with that woman!
Matty: Dammit, Little Blackfive! You untie the Bartender from that ceiling fan right this instant!
Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY!…
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 6:07:25 PM permalink HOME
Friday, April 02, 2004
GLENN'S APRIL FOOLS' DAY
(A FILTHY LIE)
So I was trying to get my blogging done last night when the phone rang...
Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife
was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and
ears, but the rest…
Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn
Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?
Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.
Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got
you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about…
Evil Glenn: The Blog War is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.
Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.
Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.
Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.
Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Remember when he posted that "In My World" where Chomps got killed?
Evil Glenn: Well apparently some people didn't appreciate his April
Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in
protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to
de-rectify the katana sheath.
Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that
you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more
lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined.
You're like a blogospheric Air America.
Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?
Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.
Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still…
Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!…
Evil Glenn: Another reason I can't hand Instapundit.com over Frank is
that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all
that coffee-up-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness…
The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you
imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? Exploding heads everywhere!
Harv: Hmmm… I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm – transparent transition.
Harv: Brilliant!… Wait… Hey!
Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.
Harv: I don't know… I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school…
Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and
a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into
bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."
Evil Glenn: 111. See?
Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil… but running an empire?…
Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to
it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's
try something… Pretend you're the new Instapundit… imagine yourself
sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a
Harv: Mmmm… pure evil…
Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth… could you blend a puppy?
Harv: No! That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?
Harv: … maybe a small one.
Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?
Harv: … is he French?
Evil Glenn: Well… he smells like it.
Harv: Consider him slitted neck to navel.
Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?
Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates…
Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?
Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm… maybe you're TOO evil… Anyway, praising commies?
Evil Glenn: Democrats?
Evil Glenn: Hippies?
Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp…
Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?
Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet
and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made
him scream "BLAAAAGH!"
Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?
Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm… not bad. Put a few feathers on her and…
Harv: Watch it…
Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?
Harv: Let's see… penguins eat fish… fish are the symbol for the
astrological sign Pisces… Taurus is an astrological sign… symbolized by
a bull… and I DO know of one bull that's quite attractive…
Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So…
there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just
click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.
Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.
Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you.
Harv: Ah, the POWER!
Evil Glenn: A… P… R… I… L…
Harv: Ok, go on.
Evil Glenn: F… O… O… L
Harv: Ok… I hit enter, but nothing happened.
Evil Glenn: Uh… let me spell that to you again… A… P… R… I… L… F… O… O… L
Harv: Nope, still nothing.
Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!
Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!
Evil Glenn: You… never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm
gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it
So as soon as I get this password to work, Instapundit.com will FINALLY
be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his
I… N… S… T… A… P… U… N… D… O… D… E… L… E… N… D… A… E… S… T… !
posted by Harvey at 8:26:20 PM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 6:43:58 PM.