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Bad Money

  Saturday, August 30, 2003




I was chatting with a co-worker the other day, and he asked me, "Hey, Harv, how come Evian water has an expiration date?"


Puzzled, I looked at the bottle and, sure enough - bottled 2-8-2003, expires 2-8-2005. How peculiar. It's WATER. What could possibly make water go bad in 2 years? So I called the company...


Evian rep: Good afternoon, it's a great day at Evian, how may I help you? [background: Hey Marge! Get me a puppy shake, would you?]


Harv: Evil Glenn! Is that you?


Evil Glenn: ... Crap. I thought I had the mute button depressed. Oh well. Yeah, it's me.


Harv: What are you doing working for Evian?


Evil Glenn: Have you priced a good hobo-whackin' hammer lately? Craftsman ain't exactly giving them away.


Harv: Uh, ok. Well, anyway, what's the deal with Evian having an expiration date. Water doesn't go bad. How stupid do you think people are?


Evil Glenn: Infinitely. Look, since the Alliance is powerless to stop my sinister plans for blogspheric domination, I'll let you in on a little secret. You're right - water doesn't have a shelf life. It's what's in the water.


Harv: My recipe says hydrogen and oxygen.


Evil Glenn: Fool! This is French water. It has secret ingredients.


Harv: Secret ingredients?


Evil Glenn: Some special chemical compounds indigenous to France, like cowardinium, annoylium, and stinkite. They're radioactive and very potent. But they have a short half-life so they're only useful as transformative catalysts for 2 years.


Harv: But what do these chemicals do?


Evil Glenn: Just what their names suggest. When consumed, they make a person cowardly, annoying, plus gives them the same smell you'd pick up from rolling around in garbage with a skunk at a discount whorehouse.


Harv: You're turning everyone French?


Evil Glenn: Oui.


Harv: You monster! What good could it possibly do you to fill the world with spineless, stinking backstabbers?


Evil Glenn: Remember penguin porn?


Harv: Yes, but...


Evil Glenn: Once everyone is French, sales will skyrocket! Think about it: soon every porn star will become hairy, flabby, scabby and repulsive. Once that happens, which will you find more erotic?


Harv: Well, penguins, of course, but... Oh my GOD!


Evil Glenn: MUA-HA-HA! Gotta run. The puppy's starting to coagulate. [click]


Harv: ... you evil bastard...


Horrifying, but true. Evil Glenn is going to turn the world French to bolster his penguin porn empire. This must be stopped!


Instapundo Delenda Est!



UPDATE (9-1-03): Apparently this French connection flows deeper than just water.


posted by Harvey at 9:39:38 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, August 27, 2003




Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":



#288 How much money would a person have to pay you to spend one night alone in an old mansion that is supposedly haunted?




Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...



Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.


Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!


Harv: Who's there?


Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….


Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?


Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.


Harv: You're... you're DEAD?


Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!


Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?


Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.


Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.


Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.


Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?


Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?


Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]




Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.


Instapundo Delenda Est!


posted by Harvey at 9:17:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, August 22, 2003



Frank says we need more lies about Evil Glenn.


I can't help much there. I'm too honest.


However, when I was talking with Evil Glenn the other day, I did discover something quite shocking. We were discussing some of our favorite retired comic strip writers...


Harv: Yeah, I miss Gary Larson, too. And I always really liked Bloom County. Some people said it was just a Doonesbury wanna-be, but I thought  it was quite innovative.


Evil Glenn: I agree. I really liked Opus. I love penguins. In fact, I even have a small, penguin-related business on the side. Let me show you something on my computer.




Evil Glenn: One of my favorite web-cam sites.





Harv: Does that book say "Instapundit" on the cover?


Evil Glenn: Yup.


Harv: Why does that penguin have an odd little smile on his face?


Evil Glenn: Obviously he REALLY enjoys what he's looking at. And I guarantee you he's not reading it for the articles.


Harv: You published a book of penguin porn?


Evil Glenn: Yup. Nothing more erotic than a penguin. The stark black-and-white contrast, the beak, those tiny feathers... indeed.


Harv: You sick, vile, sub-human pervert!


Evil Glenn: Geez, Harv, relax. Puppy smoothie?


Harv: Get away from me!


Evil Glenn: Say... has anyone ever told you that you look like a hobo? [reaching slowly for whacking hammer]


Harv: AAAAAAHH! [flees in terror]


So the truth is out. Evil Glenn publishes penguin porn on the side. Just one more reason...


Instapundo Delenda Est!




[hat tip to Intergalactic Capitalist for the pic]



UPDATE (8/27/03): Over at Alliance HQ, I provide further evidence of Evil Glenn's penguin porn production.


posted by Harvey at 9:17:49 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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