DON'T DRINK THE WATER
(A FILTHY LIE)
I was chatting with a co-worker the other day, and he asked me, "Hey, Harv, how come Evian water has an expiration date?"
Puzzled, I looked at the bottle and, sure enough - bottled 2-8-2003, expires 2-8-2005. How peculiar. It's WATER. What could possibly make water go bad in 2 years? So I called the company...
Evian rep: Good afternoon, it's a great day at Evian, how may I help you? [background: Hey Marge! Get me a puppy shake, would you?]
Harv: Evil Glenn! Is that you?
Evil Glenn: ... Crap. I thought I had the mute button depressed. Oh well. Yeah, it's me.
Harv: What are you doing working for Evian?
Evil Glenn: Have you priced a good hobo-whackin' hammer lately? Craftsman ain't exactly giving them away.
Harv: Uh, ok. Well, anyway, what's the deal with Evian having an expiration date. Water doesn't go bad. How stupid do you think people are?
Evil Glenn: Infinitely. Look, since the Alliance is powerless to stop my sinister plans for blogspheric domination, I'll let you in on a little secret. You're right - water doesn't have a shelf life. It's what's in the water.
Harv: My recipe says hydrogen and oxygen.
Evil Glenn: Fool! This is French water. It has secret ingredients.
Harv: Secret ingredients?
Evil Glenn: Some special chemical compounds indigenous to France, like cowardinium, annoylium, and stinkite. They're radioactive and very potent. But they have a short half-life so they're only useful as transformative catalysts for 2 years.
Harv: But what do these chemicals do?
Evil Glenn: Just what their names suggest. When consumed, they make a person cowardly, annoying, plus gives them the same smell you'd pick up from rolling around in garbage with a skunk at a discount whorehouse.
Harv: You're turning everyone French?
Evil Glenn: Oui.
Harv: You monster! What good could it possibly do you to fill the world with spineless, stinking backstabbers?
Evil Glenn: Remember penguin porn?
Harv: Yes, but...
Evil Glenn: Once everyone is French, sales will skyrocket! Think about it: soon every porn star will become hairy, flabby, scabby and repulsive. Once that happens, which will you find more erotic?
Harv: Well, penguins, of course, but... Oh my GOD!
Evil Glenn: MUA-HA-HA! Gotta run. The puppy's starting to coagulate. [click]
Harv: ... you evil bastard...
Horrifying, but true. Evil Glenn is going to turn the world French to bolster his penguin porn empire. This must be stopped!
Instapundo Delenda Est!
UPDATE (9-1-03): Apparently this French connection flows deeper than just water.
posted by Harvey at 9:39:38 PM permalink HOME