Friday, September 26, 2003
WAR WITHOUT END
Looks like Evil Glenn just pissed away his last chance at blogospheric peace.
The. War. Goes. On.
Instapundo Delenda Est!
posted by Harvey at 11:41:19 PM permalink HOME
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
THE GLENN REYNOLDS FILTHY LIE-BRARY
Even though recent events may well change the future alignment of the blogosphere, there is still a parting shot to be taken. And despite Glenn's recent good works in supporting America's fight against terrorism, Alliance members deserve to know the set of dark secrets our crack research team has uncovered in the last week. Sadly, due to a rash of suspicious single-car accidents involving numerous bullet holes after the Filthy Lie Song Showcase, far fewer agents were able to file answers to the question of "what is Glenn's favorite book, and why? "
Yet, to honor our many fallen comrades, we must forge bravely ahead to bring you the answers:
Steve of BigRedGiant
Serenity of Serenity's Journal
Matt of Blackfive
Debbye of Being An American In T.O.
(Sunday, Sept. 21 "Puppy Blender's Favourite Book" if permalinks are blogspotted)
Rajan of RajanR
Susie of Practical Penumbra
Chris of Cool Kid Central
Joey of Single White Male
(Tuesday, Sept. 23 "A Filthy Lie About Glenn Reynolds/Glenn Reynolds' Favorite Book" if PAB)
Heather of Angelweave
(Friday, Sept 19 "Glenn Reynolds Favorite Book" if PAB)
Harvey of Bad Money
Roxette of Hoppings of Roxette Bunny
Although we do not know what the future will bring for the brave Blog Warriors of the Alliance, we can still rest assured that all our battles will be fought with courage and honor.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I missed your post, made a typo, misdirected your link or otherwise failed in my duties, please either leave a comment or send me an e-mail, and I will correct the problem as soon as I finish whacking myself with a stick for being so stupid.
posted by Harvey at 9:31:37 PM permalink HOME
(A FRIENDLY LIE)
After hearing the astonishing news that Frank J. has called for a suspension of hostilities in the Great Blog War of 2003, Glenn Reynolds held a press conference…
Glenn: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming on such short notice. Today marks an historical occasion that brings to mind the conclusion of the epic battles of the Greek Hoplites in their struggle…
ABC: BOR-ING! If you get anywhere near a point, motor-mouth, send us a telegram.
CBS: Geez, man! Get on with it already!
Glenn: Yes, well, seems that Frank J. called a cease-fire in the Blog War.
[murmurs of reporterish disbelief]
NBC: Uh, what’s a “Blog”?
Glenn: A blog, or weblog, is a publicly accessible online journal that is comprised of short, frequently updated posts.
NBC: Right. And… “War”?
Glenn: A concerted effort or campaign to combat or put an end to something considered injurious.
NBC: Right. No, wait… I thought that was a “quagmire”?
Glenn: Only if it takes place in a former French colonial possession.
New York Times: Ok, so what’s this Blog War thingy all about anyway?
Glenn: Well, a little over a month ago, Frank J. said…
Glenn: Look, you lefty asshats, I gave everyone a copy of the “The Blog War - An Introduction for the Uninitiated”. Didn’t ANYBODY read it?
Glenn: Right. I’m gonna go grab a puppy shake. I’ll be back in five. NOW READ!
[assorted reporterly grumbling]
[FIVE MINUTES LATER]
Glenn: So, any questions?
Glenn: Did ANYONE read the handout yet?
[assorted foot-shuffling and ground-staring]
Glenn: DAMMIT! Look. I’m gonna go whack me a hobo. When I come back either I get some intelligent discourse, or you’re all Emmett Kelly. Capiche?
[ONE WELL-HAMMERED HOBO LATER]
Glenn: Ok, now did everyone read their handout? [brandishing bloody hammer]
Reporter Chorus: Yes, Mr. Reynolds.
Glenn: Good. Now that you all know how it started, here’s how it finished. Frank J. decided that, rather than mocking me, he would start spending his time showing his support for the troops in Iraq. He hopes to focus blogospheric and other media attention on first-hand reports from the troops who are out fighting the War on Terrorism. Both the good news that the big news organizations are ignoring, and the bad news that normally gets glossed over with a quick headline statistic. Warts and all, he wants to shower our fighting men and women with attention, appreciation and support.
Reuters: And you support Frank J.’s decision?
Glenn: I certainly do. I’ve been saying for months that the best stories of the war are getting ignored by the powers that be. I couldn’t be more thrilled to finally have a good reason to link that monkey-faced, lying sack of … sorry… fine, upstanding, proud American citizen. I’m tickled pink to be able to join with him in supporting our troops.
CNN: So, you support our troops?
Glenn: What?!? Of COURSE I support our troops? I bloody well say so fifty freaking times a day! Don’t any of you read Instapundit?
Jiminy: Actually, I read your site, but I’m just wondering how saying “Indeed” an average of 12 times an hour could be construed as supporting our troops?
Glenn: Well, obviously, if people only have to read a single word of commentary, they have more free time to support Front Line Voices.
MSNBC: So you’re saying Bill Whittle is a terrorist?
LA Times: And how does your puppy blending habit support the troops?
Glenn: Good question. In the Middle East, dogs are considered lowly, unclean beasts, so the locals won’t notice if a few million wind up in the bellies of our troops as smooth, creamy, power-shakes. If our brave, uniformed men and women follow the simple recipes in my new book “Puppies for America”, they’ll soon have the energy to splatter terrorists 24-7.
Helen Thomas: I’m cold! What are all you people doing here? Is Reagan still President? Where’s my cat?
Glenn: Shut up, Helen. And for the love of GOD will you PLEASE put some clothes on?
Fox News: Glenn, could you please explain the connection between murdering hobos and ensuring the victory of America’s Armed Forces in their current glorious mission?
Glenn: Happily. Like hobos, terrorists tend to be crazy, rootless wanderers, except with more explosives. By perfecting my hobo-murdering technique and publishing the results in my new book “Hobos for America”, our fearless American fighting forces will be able to kill as many terrorists, and as quickly, with a single hammer as they now can using a MOAB or a nuke.
AP: Ok, I understand those other items, but how does penguin porn fit into the picture?
Glenn: Hey, for all I do for everyone else, I think I’m ENTITLED to a little quality Glenn-time! You got a problem with that you little hobo-lookin’ SOB?
AP: …no sir…
Glenn: Damn right you don’t. Now, Black Mass starts in a few minutes, so I’ve got time for one more question.
Helen Thomas: What about my cat?
Glenn: Would SOMEONE please get her the hell out of here? Or at LEAST cover her up? Anyway… last question?
Washington Post: Now, I just want to be clear on the main topic here. So… you’re saying the Great Blog War of 2003 is over?
ABC: What’s he saying?
CBS: His eyes are crossing and uncrossing.
NBC: His face is turning beet red.
New York Times: He’s shaking with such outraged fury that the podium is coming apart in his white-knuckled grip.
Washington Post: I’m sorry Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t quite hear what you said. Is the Blog War over?
Glenn [eyes bulging, spittle flying, bloody hammer waving wildly ]: NOTHING is over! NOTHING! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me I didn't ask you! And I did what I HAD to do to win, for somebody who wouldn't LET us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those MAGGOTS at the airport, protestin' me! Spittin'! Callin' me a puppy blender and all kinds of vile CRAP! Who are they to protest me?! Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they BEEN me and BEEN there and know what the hell they’re yellin' ABOUT!
[chaotic jumble of reportery voices]: AHHHH! Help! He’ll kill us all! Run for your lives! Don’t look at Helen on your way out! Women and minorities first! Fair and Balanced!
[dust settles over the now empty room]
Frank J. [stepping in from stage left]: Wow! Now THAT’S how to end a press conference! Reporters are SO gullible.
Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Hmmm…
Frank J.: Dammit Glenn! Stop that!
Glenn: Hmmm… Indeed. Heh.
Frank J.: I’m warning you, Glenn. One more single-word comment out of you and the Blog War is back on, and I’m not stopping for anything this time until your Est is completely Delended!
[TO BE CONTINUED?]
UPDATE (9-26-03): The. War. Goes. On.
posted by Harvey at 7:17:05 PM permalink HOME
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
When Evil Glenn isn’t teaching classes, he likes to sit quietly in a nearby park, reading. That’s where I found him the other day…
Harv: Hi, Evil Glenn! Whatcha readin’?
Evil Glenn: GAAAH! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Geez! Don’t you ever knock?
Harv: We’re in a public park
Evil Glenn: Uh… knock, or otherwise announce your presence? Anyway, as you can see, I’m reading Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.” It’s a historical classic that will give me the fighting edge against your feeble Alliance. You’ll NEVER be able to challenge my fearsome blogospheric domination! You are powerless against me! Bow down before the Dark Overlord of cyberspace and BEG FOR MERCY! BWAH-HAH-HAH!!
Harv: Gee, Glenn, if you’d stop channeling Ming the Merciless for a couple seconds, you might notice that your book is upside down.
Evil Glenn: BWAH-HAH… huh? It’s upside… Um… no it’s not! YOU are!
Harv: And what’s this BEHIND “The Art of War?” [snatch!]
Evil Glenn: Hey! Give that back!
Harv: So you’re actually reading Stephen King’s "Different Seasons"?
Evil Glenn: So? I’ve already memorized Black’s Law Dictionary. Can’t a guy enjoy a little light fiction now & then? Where is it written that my whole freaking LIFE just absolutely HAS to be about teaching law & blending puppies?
Harv: Whatever you say, Mr. Doth-protest-too-much, but what’s with this highlighted passage here in the story “Apt Pupil”? “Todd Bowden drove the hammer into the wino’s skull again and again, not stopping until there was nothing left to smash.”
Evil Glenn: Ok, so I find that passage… stimulating. I suppose YOU never highlight YOUR favorite passages? Besides, I like the rest of the book, too.
Harv: All the other pages in the book have been torn out and the non-wino-murdering parts of the text have been scribbled over with a black Sharpie.
Evil Glenn: … Crap. Ok, fine. I was just doing a little research. I’m getting tired of only slaughtering hobos. I’ve been thinking about expanding my targets to include derelicts, stewbums, winos, drifters, transients and ne’er-do-wells. Variety is the spice of murder, I always say.
Harv: You vile, despicable, repulsive, twisted, subhuman monster!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer.
Harv: You sicken me! I’m leaving!
Evil Glenn: Say… before you get out of arm’s reach, tell me something. Are you any relation to Harvey the Hobo? [slowly reaching for hammer]
I fled for my life, narrowly avoiding the deadly swing of the Plumb 16oz Ripping Claw Hammer (with fiberglass handle and non-slip grip, only $16.95 at Home Depot.). I survived to bring this report to the Alliance. Evil Glenn is researching possible new non-hobo murder victims. We must stop him before he kills again!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 5:35:56 PM permalink HOME
Saturday, September 20, 2003
EVIL GLENN'S PENGUIN PORN - MORE
Having exhausted the financial possibilities of exploiting adult penguins, Evil Glenn turns to the manufacture of penguin "kitty porn".
[with apologies to Ambient Irony]
posted by Harvey at 10:34:11 PM permalink HOME
Friday, September 19, 2003
EVIL GLENN'S UNREFUSABLE OFFER
Glenn Reynolds leaves a "message" in Frank J's bed as the Blog War takes an ugly turn.
[with apologies to Mookie]
posted by Harvey at 9:50:46 PM permalink HOME
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
A long time ago, Frank posted a filthy lie that Evil White Glenn was a commie who does the Robot Dance. I noticed Evil Glenn never talked about this, which made me very suspicious, so I called him about it...
Harv: So, Evil Glenn, is it true that you're a commie?
Evil Glenn: Oh yeah. Stalin's my hero. He oppressed millions of people for years. Currently I'm only oppressing about 74,488 per day, but it all adds up.
Harv: Any other heroes?
Evil Glenn: Howard Dean's ok. Even though he's only a socialist right now, I expect Presidential power would soon corrupt him into tearing up the Constitution and declaring himself absolute Commie dictator. That would be SO cool! I just hope Frank J. doesn't start punching him before that can happen.
Harv: I see. So what about the Robot Dance thing.
Evil Glenn: Not entirely true. It's really just a side effect.
Harv: Side effect?
Evil Glenn: From the spiders.
Evil Glenn: Yeah. I enjoy putting spiders in my underwear.
Harv: Geez, man. You've GOTTA stop watching Fear Factor.
Evil Glenn: You don't know what you're missing. I stuff a handful of spiders in my Jockeys and then all those tiny little legs start tickling my nether regions... WHOOO-HOOO! Stimulating!
Harv: Uh, yeah... but don't they, well, you know, bite, uh... sensitive areas?
Evil Glenn: Sure they do. And it makes my crotch swell up like a kielbasa. Afterwards, I hit the disco and do some Robot Dancing. I tell ya, the ladies just can't stop gawking at my loins.
Harv: So you're at the disco now?
Evil Glenn: Sure am! And... oh crap, they're playing Copacabana. I have to go obey my subliminal implants and blend a puppy. Oppress you later! [click]
Harv: Vile subhuman scumbag!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]
So, yes, Evil Glenn is a communist, and he DOES do the Robot Dance, but only because he puts spiders in his underwear. Save the spiders!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 5:39:54 PM permalink HOME
Monday, September 15, 2003
ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT: GLENN REYNOLDS' FAVORITE SONG
Sure, I talk to the Instablender once in a while, but it's not like we're friends. So how would I know what his favorite song is? Although a couple days ago, I was walking by his house. Evil Glenn was out digging in his yard, shoveling dirt next to a six foot long black plastic bag like usual, and I could hear him singing.
I recognized the tune as being "I'm Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover", but the lyrics didn't seem right. I crept a little closer, keeping low and hiding behind a hedge, and I finally made them out.
It was horrifying.
Thinking fast, I took out my HP Jornada and recorded his repulsive words.
The MP3 was really lousy quality, so I'm not going to post the recording. But I did manage to transcribe the lyrics. After a little Googling, I found out that it's a fairly popular song amongst puppy blenders. The sickening lyrics can be found here.
posted by Harvey at 6:29:08 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, September 14, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
I was up in Green Bay, Wisconsin recently to catch a Packer game, and as part of the tailgating festivities, I strolled past the Brown County Mental Health Center because I find the chronically insane to be a source of endless amusement. Well, there was one guy walking around with a size 14 Army boot on his head, and I just had to find out what was going on...
Harv: Hey! Loony guy wearing a boot on his head! What's your psychosis?
Loony: I want to be elected Emperor.
Harv: Not really an elective office, as I'm sure Misha will attest, but I'll bite. What's your platform?
Loony: If elected, I promise to make Wonder-Bras the new official currency.
Harv: And if you lose?
Loony: Then I'll nuke France until it smells better.
Harv: Sounds like a win-win situation to me.
Loony: Also... Oh look! A puppy! Excuse me... Com'ere fuzz-butt. You've got a date with my Ronco Pocket Blender [WHIRRRR! *YIP!YIP!YIP!*gurgle*] [chug, chug] Ahhhhh! Better.
Harv: Hey! You're Evil Glenn!
Evil Glenn: And you're not as dumb as you look.
Harv: You monster! What are you doing in Green Bay?
Evil Glenn: Well, I tell ya. I'm lookin' to make some money. Penguin porn sales are down, Deal-A-Meal has just tanked since the resurgence of the Atkins Diet, and my "Myocardially Infarcting to the Oldies" video just isn't catching on. Marketing blames the high mortality rate, but personally, I blame the Beach Boys.
Harv: So, what's your new evil get-rich-quick scheme?
Evil Glenn: Well, Wisconsin is the sports-gambling capital of the world, so I'm going to rig a few games, place some heavy bets, and really clean up.
Harv: You're going to kneecap Brett Favre?
Evil Glenn: Football's too small-time to make the serious Benjamins. Think bigger.
Harv: Cow tipping?
Evil Glenn: Drunken frat-boy pranks aren't wagerable.
Harv: Good point. But according to my copy of "Stuck in Wisconsin? Alternatives to Suicide for Dummies", the Packers are the only item of interest in this state. Except for maybe Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. What the hell are you going to gamble on?
Evil Glenn: Tiddlywinks.
Harv: Tiddlywinks is bigger than football? Bullshit!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer
Evil Glenn: It's a simple plan, really. Grease the right palms, and they'll boondock on a tiddle in the final round with no-one the wiser.
Harv: Well, that sounds diabolically clever enough, but you're broke. What are you going to use for bribe money?
Evil Glenn: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.
Harv: Get real, dumbass. That's just an urban legend. Those pictures don't really exist.
Evil Glenn: True, but PhotoShop does, and tiddlywinkers are notoriously stupid.
Harv: You evil, lying, conniving bastard!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer.
Harv: Again, touché. But you'll never get away with this. You'll be spotted and turned in. Your picture is all over the internet. Everyone knows what you look like.
Evil Glenn: Doesn't matter. I'm keeping a low profile.
Harv: Low profile? Before I stopped to talk to you, you were screaming your fool head off about mind control lasers from outer space. That's supposed to make people ignore you?
Evil Glenn: It worked for Kucinich, didn't it?
Harv: True, but irrelevant. I'll stop you myself, you sick, twisted...
Evil Glenn: Hey, look, it's Britney Spears, and she's stark naked!
Harv: Oh boy! Where?
Evil Glenn: Sucker! [FWING!]
Harv: Hey, that's not Brittany Spears, it's Helen Thomas. Oh GOD! MY EYES!
... Wait. Where did Evil Glenn go? DAMN! I've gotta warn HQ... and in the name of humanity, Helen, put some FREAKING clothes on!
Glenn's evil knows no bounds. Now he's rigging tiddlywink tournaments to make money in a corrupt gambling scheme. This MUST BE STOPPED!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:20:43 AM permalink HOME
Saturday, September 13, 2003
THE POLITICS OF PUPPY BLENDING
First, I find out via HQ that Evil White Glenn might actually be blending puppies in Canada, in his disguise as Liberal Party leader Dalton McGinty, then I was casually surfing Sasha's blog, which pointed me to this article, which discusses a new policy regarding dogs in Phnom Penh, Cambodia:
City governor Kep Chuktema says it is now time to draw up a special pooch policy to control the growing problem of pavement-fouling strays, and for city-dwellers to throw off their traditional snootiness toward dining on man's best friend.
"Come on, dog meat is so delicious," he was quoted as saying in Thursday's Cambodia Daily newspaper. "The Vietnamese and Koreans love to eat dog meat."
"(Cambodians) don't have wine, but poor people can enjoy their dog meat with palm juice wine," he said.
So, apparently The Blendmaster is holding several elective offices worldwide and is using his political leverage to encourage dog consumption.
The frightening part of this stems from what Debbye mentioned in her Canadian piece:
But he [McGinty] added with a laugh: ''I love kittens, and I like puppies too. I have eaten calf, I'll admit to that.''
He admitted it! He only left out the recipe and that he uses a blender to achieve a smoother taste!
Well, Deb, he's now given us the recipe:
1 glass palm juice wine
and left us to infer the instructions:
blend until smooth, serve warm.
[shudder] Is there no end to his evil?
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 11:08:17 PM permalink HOME
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
For those of you who didn't believe my last filthy lie, I offer the following as proof:
This is the spare change I found in the confessional. I donated it all to IMAO to make up for hurting Frank's feelings with my false-but-necessary comment on the quality of his Frank Answers.
So please don't sissy-slap me. (Monday, Sept 8, if permalinks are blogspotted).
posted by Harvey at 11:38:46 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, September 07, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
So, I was rooting around in the confessional, looking for spare change, when Evil Glenn stepped into the adjoining booth. Not being Catholic, I faked it as best I could and learned yet another horrifying lie…
Evil Glenn: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 1 hour since my last confession, and… oh boy, this is bad.
Harv: Puppy blending again?
Evil Glenn: Just one of those nasty, yippy little ankle-biters.
Harv: Ok, not a problem. Hobo-whackin’?
Evil Glenn: He was French.
Harv: A service to humanity. Satan worshiping?
Evil Glenn: Black Mass isn’t until later tonight, so, technically, no.
Harv: Punch Frank J.?
Evil Glenn: More of a sissy-slap, really.
Harv: Well, that last Frank Answers wasn’t quite up to snuff, so we’ll let it slide. Penguin Porn?
Evil Glenn: Oh yeah… forgot about that one.
Harv: 100 Our Fathers
Evil Glenn: I usually get 5. It’s not like I'm getting all Troy McClure with fish, or anything.
Evil Glenn: 10
Harv: 20, and you have to wax the pulpit.
Evil Glenn: Hey! I don’t swing that way!
Harv: I meant it literally.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Ok, deal.
Harv: Well, what did you do?
Evil Glenn: I parked in a handicapped stall at the supermarket.
Harv: Well, that’s more of a DMV thing. Not really the church’s jurisdiction…
Evil Glenn: I was driving a steamroller.
Harv: Let me check… [flip, flip, flip]… Hmmm… lying, stealing, coveting,… nothing in here about operating heavy equipment. You weren’t taking any medication that could make you drowsy, were you?
Evil Glenn: Well, no…
Harv: Alrighty then. Nothing to cause omnipotent wrath here.
Evil Glenn: The stall wasn’t empty.
Harv: You crushed a cripple?
Evil Glenn: I was only gonna be in the store for half an hour! Besides, I thought it would be fun, in a Road Runnery sort of way. It was a lot redder and gooier than I expected.
Harv: You are a vile, despicable man. However, I believe God’s infinite forgiveness can…
Evil Glenn: The second one was even worse.
Evil Glenn: But after that, it got better. The spokes snapping on the wheelchairs sounded kinda like windchimes. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle! So musical. Indeed.
Harv: Go! Befoul this holy sanctum no more!
Evil Glenn: Fine. You are such an asshole.
Harv: And 10 Hail Mary’s for swearing!
Evil Glenn: 3
Harv: GET! OUT!
Evil Glenn: Hmph! Persnickety Catholics. I knew I shoulda stuck with the Amish.
…So there you have it. Evil Glenn steamrollers cripples just to hear the music of snapping wheelchair spokes. This madness must be stopped!
Instapundo Delenda Est!
Update 9-9-03: Actually, Frank Answers was perfectly snuffy, but I had to keep Evil Glenn from discovering my Alliance affiliation as I endeavored to uncover his darkest secret.
posted by Harvey at 9:47:12 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, September 04, 2003
USING YOUR MONKEY
(A FILTHY LIE)
I had just gotten back from visiting grandma, and hadn’t even set my bags down when the phone rang…
Voice: Hi. This is Glenn.
Harv: Dude! I’ve been meaning to call. I LOVE contractorpeon.com, and…
Voice: White Glenn.
Harv: Die, Puppy Blender!
White Glenn: Relax, currency freak. I’m calling to surrender.
White Glenn: Suh-rend-der. I’m stepping down from my throne and handing the reigns of the blogosphere over to the Alliance.
Harv: Uh, gee… that’s nice and all, but why call me? I’m pretty far down on the ecospheric food chain. Why not surrender to Frank?
White Glenn: I tried, but he was out hunting monkeys.
Harv: Hmmm… how about Don? He’s pretty powerful. He just put a serious boot up your ass with that Den Bestian three-parter of his.
White Glenn: Aw, I couldn’t read his stuff anyway. I’m illiterate.
Harv: Illiterate? As in can’t read or write?
White Glenn: Not a word.
Harv: But you’re a lawyer!
White Glenn: Didn’t say I couldn’t bullshit.
Harv: Ah. Of course. So, how do you crank out all those blog entries?
White Glenn: An army of trained monkeys pounding away at computer keyboards, night and day. Why do you think I can only come up with crap like “Hmmm,” and “Indeed”?
Harv: Makes sense. But why surrender?
White Glenn: Which monkeys do you think Frank is out hunting?
Harv: I see. Ok, what are your terms?
White Glenn: Oh, unconditional. Alliance members split my hits and links equally, and my monkeys and I go back to lying.
White Glenn: Whatever.
Harv: What about the money?
White Glenn: The what?
Harv: The money. Frank promised the Alliance members bags and bags of money.
White Glenn: Get real. There’s no money in blogging. Well, except for Sullivan, but that’s just one of those nature-gone-horribly-wrong, four-legged-chicken kinda things. Anyway, I need my money. The Mazuri Monkey Crunch doesn’t buy itself, you know.
Harv: Your monkeys work for food?
White Glenn: Yeah. They're sorta like hobos that way, and…um… uh… oh no… can’t fight urge to… hammer… [WHACK!]… Heh. I lose more monkeys that way…
Harv: Indeed. But once you quit blogging, you won’t need monkeys anymore.
White Glenn: Like hell I won’t! Haven’t you read any Supreme Court decisions lately? “Racism is ok, except when it’s not, but I might change my mind in 25 years.” Bah! My monkeys can write better insane drivel than that, so they’re my meal ticket. Without my typing monkeys, I’m as useless as a union without mob connections.
Harv: Boo-hoo-hoo, law-talkin’ guy. Bags of money or BlogWar.
White Glenn: Well, uh, let’s see… [jingle, jingle] I’ve got some car wash tokens.
Harv: They got curvy bronze buttocks?
White Glenn: Actually, it’s a scantily clad octopus, but it does have curves.
Harv: Is this related to penguin porn?
White Glenn: Well, uh, actually, it's still just in the test-marketing phase, but…
Harv: ENOUGH! Wampum or warfare?
White Glenn: …uh...
White Glenn: Puppy shake?
Harv: See you in hell. [click]
So I’m sounding the alarm. Beware the Instamonster’s Fedayeen-like false surrenders and spread the word. White Glenn is an illiterate exploiter of hobo typing-monkeys.
Just one more reason:
Instapundo Delenda Est.
posted by Harvey at 6:06:27 PM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 4:44:57 PM.