Friday, October 31, 2003
I just got home from work today, and I hope I never have to go through
another afternoon like that again. The last day of the month is always
brutally busy, but today just left me drained..
On the bright side, before I left for work, I enabled this cool new
feature on Radio (the blogging software I use). This is even better
than e-mailed comments! The "talk to post" feature lets you actually
call your computer at your home phone number and make a post by means
of some truly spiffy voice recognition software. It's just amazing
how far technology has come. I haven't had a chance to try it out yet -
like I said, we were REALLY busy at the bank - but I can't wait to give
it a go.
In other news, I got a call from Evil Glenn
today, or so says my caller ID. I was pretty excited, because I was
hoping to get some material for a new filthy lie. Unfortunately, he
didn't leave a message, so I guess I'll just do my regular posting
tonight. Oh well.
posted by Harvey at 7:33:13 PM permalink HOME
NO BLOOD FOR OIL, OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER
Joey, of Single White Male, has another question contest going this week.
The deadline is midnight Sunday, and there's a one dollar prize for the
best answer to the question, "Why haven't you given blood?" (Oct 27,
There's a simple answer: because Joey is a member of the Alliance of
Free Blogs, and I HATE Alliance members! You guys suck! Every last one
of you! I hope you all die in horrible car accidents, laying
semi-comatose for hours, as you writhe in agony, losing all the
precious blood in your body that *I'll* never donate a replacement to.
DIE! DIE! DIE!
Oh, and because I'm a vampire.
posted by Harvey at 7:29:22 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, October 26, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
I was trying to figure out what Evil Glenn might be doing for Halloween, but apparently my comedic muse was at Madfish Willie's knocking back a few cold ones, because I just couldn't think of anything. As I was staring helplessly at a blank computer screen, the phone rang...
Evil Glenn: Hey currency freak, how's it going? *sip* [BELCH!] Excuse me! Poodles give me gas.
Harv: You sick bastard! Why don't you just leave me alone? I'm trying to blog here.
Evil Glenn: Indeed. Well, I just called to mock you and Frank J's feeble Alliance. I heard the League of Multiple Voters is going to kick your ass in the New Blog Showcase voting this week, and I just wanted to be the first to tell you how pathetic you guys are.
Harv: Yeah, well... uh... we've got... uh... a plan to... uh... fix that.
Evil Glenn: Oh? Do tell.
Harv: Well, it's kind of a rough draft at this point, but we were going to have them all dress as hobos & tell them you were having a costume party. I thought maybe you could lend us a hammer... a hand with that?
Evil Glenn: Well, the old Craftsman could use a workout... let me think about that one. Meanwhile, let me taunt you with my Halloween plans. Guess what my costume will be.
Harv: A puppy?
Evil Glenn: No, I might get blended by one of my minions. Too dangerous.
Harv: A hobo?
Evil Glenn: Similar problem, except without the blender.
Evil Glenn: No, too inhumanly evil to appear in public. I'd likely be torn apart by an angry mob of decent God-fearing people.
Harv: A lawyer?
Evil Glenn: Ditto.
Harv: A penguin?
Evil Glenn: No. I'd be too aroused by the sight of myself to get any blogging done. I can't type one-handed.
Harv: A kangaroo?
Evil Glenn: Hey, that's a good idea! Plus, I might be able to get a little hot ewe action on the side as a bonus. But that's not what I was planning.
Harv: Naked Helen Thomas?
Evil Glenn: [YAAAARK!] EWWWW! What a horrid thought!... Hey, did you know poodles tastes just as good on the way up?
Harv: I really didn't need to hear that. How about Mao Tse Tung?
Evil Glenn: No, I don't want to get mistaken for a Democratic presidential candidate.
Harv: Oh the hell with it! I give up! What's your costume gonna be?
Evil Glenn: No, come on, guess.
Harv: Up yours, Blender Boy. I don't have time for your stupid games. Just tell me.
Evil Glenn: Well, I was going to tell you, but since you're being such a prick, you'll just have to wait until Friday. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Indeed!
Harv: Filthy scum-sucking bottom feeder.
So, I still don't know what Evil White Glenn's Halloween costume is going to be, but I did receive an e-mail shortly afterwards:
And it had this picture attached.
But I'm not sure if it means anything.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 7:27:13 PM permalink HOME
Thursday, October 23, 2003
IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY BLOG
J, of Quibbles & Bits, has a short, creepy tale of how childhood goes horribly wrong. It's a little more Harlan Ellison than Stephen King this time, and quite excellent:
An Invisible Friend
A boy's life is easy. Wake up, breakfast, school, play, dinner, homework, TV, bedtime. The endless cycle of the school age child, disrupted only by summer time and doctor's visits.
Until I come along.
Oh, I make myself known first to the child harmlessly. His open imagination makes it easy, and if his friends are few, all the better. I give him what he needs -- companionship, a playmate, and unqualified friendship. He sees in me what he sees in himself. That reflection may be a bright, shining mirror, in which case it soon fades as the child ages, as he becomes a teenager, then a man.
That always disappoints me, but I take solace in the few whose reflection is less bright. They have a dark streak.
They are the bad seed.
Naturally I encourage you to read the rest... with the lights on.
Tangentially, I can't help wondering if maybe this explains why Evil Glenn grew up to be a puppy-blending, hobo-murdering maniac.
posted by Harvey at 12:18:36 AM permalink HOME
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Write a witty tagline for Instapundit's blog
"Humpin', Pumpin', Bare-Assed Penguins For The Masses"
"Fair. Balanced. Short. Repetitive. Indeed."
"Liking You, Linking You, Crashing Your Server"
"Serving Satan So You Don't Have To"
"I'm Not Really As Short As My Posts"
"Monopolizing The Internet Since August 2001"
"I'll Devour Your Soul"
"I AM The Blogosphere!"
"Yeah. I Stole Your Bicycle. So What? You Gonna Cry Now? Huh? Go On. Cry! Cry!... Ya Little Pussy."
"I'm Compensating For Something"
"Too Late. I Already Posted On That. Guess You'll Have To Find Another Topic Now. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Evil White Dancing Machine"
"Blogroll Me Or I'll Punch You, Too"
"Where America Turns For 5000 RPM Puppies"
Or my personal favorite:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 6:15:41 PM permalink HOME
Monday, October 20, 2003
KANGAROOS (A FILTHY LIE)
Blogging was kinda light Saturday night, but there was a good reason for that. I'd just sat down in front of my computer when the doorbell rang. I answered my door to find a kangaroo standing on my front porch...
Harv: ...Uh, may I help you?
Kangaroo: Yes, I'm Long Dong Hopalong. I'm here about the ad you placed on animalaction.com.
Kangaroo: Yes, the one that said, "Wanted: well-endowed marsupial for lead role in adult film. Some trans-species mating required."
Harv: I'm sorry, you must have the wrong address.
Kangaroo: Hmmm... let me check my notes... Oh! You're right. My mistake. Sorry to have bothered you.
... and he hopped away.
I was a little unnerved by the experience, but the blogosphere was calling, so I went back to my computer. I'd just sat back down when the doorbell rang again. This time it was a ewe decked out in leather boots and a red teddy.
Ewe: Hi. I'm Wicked Wooly Wanda. I'm here about the ad you placed on animalaction.com.
Harv: You're not a marsupial.
Ewe: Not THAT ad, silly. I'm talking about the one that said, "Wanted: willing female ovine who can take it any way it's given. Some trans-species mating required."
Harv: I'm afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I didn't place any ad.
Ewe: Hmmm... that's possible. My brain IS the size of a walnut, so I tend to get things confused. Let me check my notes... Whoops! My b-a-a-a-d.
... and away she went.
I was deeply disturbed by these two incidents, so I spent the next couple hours sitting in the corner of my basement, rocking back and forth, mumbling, "this is not happening" over and over.
When the shock had worn off a bit, I decided to check out animalaction.com. After clicking here and there, I finally found a link to "Evil Glenn Productions" and discovered the cause of the night's events. Apparently Evil Glenn had finished his Antarctic expedition and moved on to other projects. Right there under "Back Door Birdie" and "Tux & Sucks" was a promo for his latest film:
Evil Glenn Productions proudly presents:
Hoppin' & Humpin'
Starring Long Dong Hopalong and Wicked Wooly Wanda.
I'm too sickened to be outraged. Marauding Marsupials and Large Mammals deserve to roam the Ecosystem freely and not be seduced into a life of degradation serving Evil Glenn's filthy whims. This has to end NOW!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
(Hat tip to Tiger for providing the source image which I first found, slightly modified for his own nefarious purposes, here)
posted by Harvey at 11:56:16 PM permalink HOME
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
Matt was wondering if I was going to celebrate the Navy's 228th birthday. Well, I already did. In honor of the great event, I recently took a tour of my old ship, the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. I didn't manage to get back off before the ship left, however, so I was stuck on board for a while. The Enterprise was bound for the Persian Gulf in preparation for some F-14-style terrorist-whackin'.
As we rounded the southern tip of Africa, the captain decided that he needed some fresh ice for his tea, and we anchored of the coast of Antarctica.
While I was wandering around the frozen wasteland, awaiting our departure, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins.
Harv: Evil Glenn! What are you doing here?
Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?
Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."
Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.
Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?
Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.
Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...
Evil Glenn: Hel-LO? I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to lay a guilt trip on Yassir Arafat. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.
Harv: What "list of movies"?
Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...
Harv: That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...
Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.
Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...
Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!
Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...
Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.
Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?
Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!
Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at HQ.
Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...
Harv: Leaving now!
Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...
The rest of the trip was uneventful, and thanks to some professional help and a lot of drinking, the mental wounds are healing nicely. I just wanted to let everyone know that a new batch of penguin porn will be on the streets soon unless the puppy-blending pervert is stopped. Meanwhile, don't buy any porn unless it's certified penguin-free.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:21:28 PM permalink HOME
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
FILTHY DRUNKEN LIAR
Ok, so last Friday I went out to Madfish Willie's bar just to see what the folks was up to. Happy Hour was pretty quiet, just The Bartender washing up glasses & throwing occasional chunks of beef jerky to that snarly, drooly rottweiler of the Emperor's that he was watching while Misha & Frank were busy ClueBattin' some hippies across the street. Then I noticed Matt O'Blackfive sittin' in the corner, drinkin' his usual 6 beers at once. He waved me over and told me he had a confession to make.
Matt: Harv, I'm thinking of quitting the Alliance & throwing in with Evil Glenn.
Harv: Matt... you CAN'T be serious! You're the PATHFINDER! We need you and your eagle eye to monitor the Axis troublemakers!
Matt: I know, I know. You think this is easy for me? I know that puppy-blendin' sumbitch needs to get taken down. I know that in my heart, but...
Harv: But what? How the hell can their be a "but"? Don't you remember the evil tatoos? The naked Robot Dancing?
Matt: Hmmm. Let me check my arm... Nope. All it says is Susie... rack... thong... YUM!
Harv: Yeah, I know what you mean. *sigh*. OH! uh, anyway, what about quitting the Alliance?
Matt: Uh... Oh, yeah. It's just that, well... I'm just thinking... what with all Evil Glenn's hobo-murderin' for Satan, he's got some good connections, and well... with the Cubbies in the playoffs & all... I was just sorta thinkin'...
Harv: Let me see if I got this straight. You'd be willing to sell your soul to Satan, murder hobos, and give up beer for puppy shakes for the rest of your life just to see the Cubs win the World Series?
Matt: 95 YEARS, HARV! IT'S BEEN 95 GOD-DAMNED YEARS! 95! 95! 95! YEARS! YEARS! YEARS!
Harv: Geez, Matt, calm down, willya? Everyone in the bar is staring at us, and...
...and then, from over by the Bartender, we heard him:
Evil Glenn: Indeed.
...all talk of capitulation ceased. Pure courage rushed through our veins, and a steely, beer-fueled resolve compelled us to...
Well, I'll let The Bartender tell the rest of the story...
posted by Harvey at 11:05:02 PM permalink HOME
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
Via Heather, I became aware of this story. Seemed innocent enough. A man gets bitten by a snake at a Texas Wal-Mart. No big deal, right? But then I noticed that the man's name was Hatchett, which sounds suspiciously like a hobo-murdering tool, so I wondered if it could be an alias for Evil Glenn. I called an inside source and obtained the audio tape from store security. Here's the transcript:
Evil Glenn: Let's see. Need some new shoes... oooooh, these pretty pink open-toed sandals look fabulous! Wonder if they come in a size 10?
Snake: Pssst! Glenn!
Evil Glenn: What the...? A talking snake? Oh, you must be Satan. Hey, sorry about Black Mass the other night. Those candles looked black when I grabbed them. How was I supposed to know they were blueberry-cobbler-scented votives? Even so, I still thought they were plenty evil for a Tuesday night service and…
Snake: Shut up, will ya? I'm not Satan. I'm just a normal talking snake, like you'd find anywhere in Texas.
Evil Glenn: Kinda weird, but ok. What do you want?
Snake: Some of the other snakes asked me to talk to you about that tattoo on your left hand.
Evil Glenn: The one with the two penguins going at it that says "penguinperv.com"?
Snake: Oops. Sorry. I meant your right hand. Being limbless, I get those confused a lot.
Evil Glenn: Oh, you mean the one that shows a penguin using a snake for a sex toy?
Snake: Yeah, that one.
Evil Glenn: Gotta spice things up somehow. Not my fault snakes are so phallic.
Snake: I hear that a lot. But the point is that the members of the Slitherers Anti-Defamation League are really up in arms about this, figuratively speaking, and we think you should get it removed.
Evil Glenn: Look, scale-face, it's my life, my body, and still a free country. I can do whatever the hell I want.
Snake: Don't mess with me, Puppy Blender. I've got 2-inch fangs & more venom than Kate with PMS.
Evil Glenn: Whatever. Go take a hike. Oh. I forgot. You don't have any feet. Heh. Indeed.
Snake: Right! That does it! I'll just chew your damn hand off you miserable, subhuman scumbag!
Evil Glenn: Lawy...
Snake: [BITE! BITE! BITE!]
Evil Glenn: OW! My precious fleshy artwork! Die snake!
Evil Glenn: Oh geez! My hand's swelling up like Ted Kennedy's head. Hey! You! The Wal-Mart employee in the blue vest! Can I get a snake-bite kit over here?
Wal-Martian: Dude. Like, I'm on break right now.
Evil Glenn: AHHHHH! The pain! I'm dying!
Wal-Martian: Dude! I'm Game-Boying here. Almost finished with level 267 of Tetris. Just chill.
Evil Glenn: Strength... failing... Must... blend... puppy...
Wal-Martian: Dude! Did you, like, just call me a guppy? I am SO not a guppy. As soon as I get off break, I'm kicking your ass.
Evil Glenn: help... dying... puppy... Rosebud... [slumps to floor]
Wal-Martian: Crap! The screen filled up. Game over, man. So, how may I help you?
Evil Glenn: *twitch*
Wal-Martian: Dude! You're like, really messed up & shit. Let me phone my supervisor... Mr. Skinner? Yeah. Looks like we got another snake bit victim in aisle 3... Alive? I dunno. He's still twitching, so I guess so... Pulse?… Just a sec...
[grabs Evil Glenn's wrist]
Dude! Nice penguin porn!
Sadly, Evil Glenn was taken to the hospital where he made a full recovery. But at least now we know the secret of his tattoo, which will make him that much easier to spot next time he does his naked, drunken, bar-top Robot Dancing.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:34:27 PM permalink HOME
The Alliance is busy trying to dig up more information on Evil Glenn. This time they want to know:
What does Evil Glenn's Tattoo look like & where is it?
Well, I have it on good authority that the blasphemous, arrogant son-of-a-bitch has "Puppy Blender 3:16" tattooed in a circle around his left nipple.
He's SO going to burn in hell.
posted by Harvey at 7:37:38 AM permalink HOME
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
(A FILTHY LIE)
It never fails. I'd just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging when the phone rang...
Evil Glenn: Hey Harv. Sorry to interrupt your blogging, but I needed some advice.
Harv: Ah, that's ok, I... wait... how did you know I was blogging?
Evil Glenn: I was able to tap into your webcam when you opened the attachment on that "Hot Blogger Chicks In Thongs" e-mail I sent you.
Harv: What the...? I thought that was from Susie! You rotten... uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.
Evil Glenn: Anyway, I've been thinking. Even with the powers granted to me by the Prince of Darkness, I'm not going to live forever. Yet I just can't STAND the thought of my Dark Blogging Empire ever fading away. I've decided to take steps to keep my Dominion young forever.
Harv: You've hired Cher's plastic surgeon?
Evil Glenn: Yes, but that's beside the point. I've decided to open a day-care center so that I can indoctrinate impressionable youth into my evil ways. With a little luck, I'll be able to find a Damien-like protégé to succeed me and keep the blogosphere oppressed in the event of my demise.
Harv: But you're already ensconced in the vilest pit of human evil known to man! Surely finding a demonic successor would be easy at a law school?
Evil Glenn: You'd think so, but the sad fact of the matter is that, by the time they get here, the students have already acquired a taste for human blood, and it's hard to get them into the puppy groove. Gotta start 'em young if you want a properly twisted mind. Just ask any tree-hugging public school teacher.
Harv: Good point. So what's the curriculum gonna be like at Evil Glenn's Puppy Blending Day Care Center and Hobo Murdering Emporium?
Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm calling it Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness.
Harv: You realize that name is 100% unadulterated bullshit, right?
Evil Glenn: Lawyer
Evil Glenn: I have to admit, you Alliance folk came up with a great idea on that song & story collection. It's what really inspired me on this project.
Harv: How so?
Evil Glenn: For example, children's stories have a lot of influence on young minds, so I'll be reading them books from my personal collection to get them on the right track.
Harv: Like what?
Evil Glenn: Mostly classic fairy tales, like "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies", stuff like that.
Harv: That's horrible! You can't just take innocent children's stories and twist them to suit your own warped agenda!
Evil Glenn: Worked for Disney, didn't it?
Harv: That's not the point! It's just plain wrong! And besides, the kids will get bored with nothing but puppy stories.
Evil Glenn: Gotcha covered. I've already ordered copies of "Hobo & Gretel", "Little Red Hobo Killer", and "Snow White and the Seven Murdered Hobos".
Harv: You're despicable! I suppose you've got the Communism angle covered, too?
Evil Glenn: "The Wizard of Mao”
Harv: You disgust me. I’m hanging up.
Evil Glenn: Wait! You haven’t heard the songs yet! Check this out:
“I love puppies, yes I do.
Blend them into bloody goo!
Mix them up and drink them down,
Bestest yummy shake in town!
Puppies, puppies, blend them up!
Have a glass of pureed pup!
Tastes like chicken, ain’t that nice?
Serve them cold with lots of ice!”
Harv: You monster!
Evil Glenn: Oh, there’s more:
“Penguins, penguins, they’re so cute.
See them in their birthday suit.
Naked as the day they're hatched,
Sicko pervert itch is scratched.
I love penguin porn you see,
Prancing bare-assed just for me.
Penguins are so very nice.
Watch them mating on the ice.”
Harv: Feel dirty. Must shower now.
Evil Glenn: Suit yourself, but don’t forget to block the webcam first.
Harv: You filthy, revolting, vile, cold-blooded fiend!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer. [click]
Harv: DAMN you Glenn Reynolds!
It’s bad enough he’s inflicting his foulness on bloggers the world over, but now he’s planning on indoctrinating innocent youth into his Circus of Corruption. We must stop him NOW!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:52:28 PM permalink HOME
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 6:45:57 PM.