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Bad Money

  Monday, December 29, 2003


I was over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon back on December 19th, and for the fifth day in a row, the Bartender was mysteriously absent. Dana was working the bar, so I asked her about it…

Dana: Nope. Haven't seen him since Sunday.

Harv: Odd. Oh well, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later. By the way, nice T-shirt. “Irrigate Hillary”. Heh.

Dana: Thanks. Just doing my part to support the troops.

Harv: By the way, have you been restocking the cooler?

Dana: Yeah… how'd you know
Harv: It's just that you're kinda… dotting the I's on that T-shirt, if you know what I mean…

Dana: *blush* Oh Harv, you're so naughty *giggle*

After admiring the view for a couple more seconds, I headed back to the corner, where Matty O'Blackfive & Mike the Marine were knocking back some Guinness bottles, occasionally pausing to shout “
brilliant!” at each other, and generally acting like a couple of drunken idiots:

Matty: Look! I've invented the 6-pack. Now I can drink 6 beers at once!

Mike: Brilliant! And I've invented the tapper so I can drink this entire keg of Guinness without having to re-fill my glass!

Matty: Brilliant!

Harv: Say, have either of you guys seen the Bartender? He's been missing for days.

Matty: What? You've found a way to keep the Bartender from telling dumb ass Kang A. Roo jokes?

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Would you guys shut up for a minute? This is serious. I'm starting to get worried, and...

From the TV in the corner came a familiar voice...

Evil Glenn:... so come on down to Blender's, the evilest bar in the blogosphere. And, as soon as I torture the recipe out of the Bartender, we'll be featuring the Ultimate Martini as our specialty. That's BLENDER'S!

Harv: Did you guys hear that? Evil Glenn has kidnapped the Bartender! We've got to go rescue him!

Matty: I don't know, Harv, we're kinda busy getting drunk here...

Mike: Yeah, this beer ain't gonna drink itself.

Harv: Take the beer with you. You can drink it on the way.

Matty: Harv's discovered a way to drink beer AND rescue the Bartender at the same time!

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Geez you guys are annoying! Mike, go get the truck warmed up. Matty, you carry the keg. Hmmm... we're gonna need some muscle. Hey! Heather! Wanna help us rescue the Bartender from the vile clutches of Evil Glenn?

Heather: Sure! Just let me finish arm-wrestling the boucer...[SLAM!]... Ok, I'm ready.

Bouncer: Oh, come on! I was just getting warmed up. One more time...

Heather: Give it up, already! I just beat you seven times in a row.

Bouncer: Best 8 out of 15?

Heather: I [WHACK!] SAID [BASH!] NO! [SLAM! *CRACK!*]

Harv: Damn, Heather, I think you broke his... well,... everything.

Heather: He shouldn't have disrespected my dainty femininity.

Harv: You're such a classy dame.

Heather: Ain't I just? Now [cracking knuckles] let's get rescuin'!

Meanwhile over at Blender's, Evil Glenn had the Bartender tied up in the Champale Cubicle and was attempting to pry the Ulltimate Martini Recipe out of him by forcing him to drink tequila shots...

Evil Glenn: You've had 35 shots of Jose Cuervo. Soon you'll be so drunk you'll tell me recipe for the Ultimate Martini. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Uh... sure... in fact, I'm almost there already. How about another shot? That should do the trick.

Evil Glenn: Soon the customer-seducing power of the Ultimate Martini Recipe will be in my hands. Then Blender's will become the most popular bar in the blogosphere and I will double my domination of the Ecosystem! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Hello? Thirsty kidnapping victim over here? Make with the drinky-drink already!

Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. Misguided Minioness Jen! Fetch me another bottle of tequila!

Jen: Bite me, ya puppy-blending freak! I can't believe how stupid you are! The Ultimate Martini Recipe is posted right out in the open at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, free for the taking. Why the hell are you bothering with all the kidnapping & torture?

Evil Glenn: NEVER QUESTION ME! I AM THE DARK OVERLORD OF THE BLOGOSPHERE AND I SHALL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION! I don't pay you to criticize my nefarious schemes, I pay you do my bidding!... and to strut around in a black leather cat-suit... in which your breasts jiggle most fetchingly, I might add... NOW GET ME THAT TEQUILA!

Jen: Fine. What-EVER, Mr.-delusions-of-godhood. I'll be right back... [mumbling] stupid penguin-molesting assmunch...

Evil Glenn: I heard that!

Jen: And I'm pretending to care. Here's your stinkin' booze.

Evill Glenn: Here ya go Barkeep. Drink...DRINK!

Bartender: I thought you'd never ask [glug, glug, glug] AHHHHHH! Good stuff!

Evil Glenn: All right... now, tell me, what is the Ultimate Martini recipe?

Bartender: The recipe is...

Evil Glenn: Yesssss...


Evil Glenn: Right! That does it! I'm through messing around with you! Jen... blow him...

Jen: What? You sick twisted pervert scumbag! I'm not gonna give this freak a BJ!

Evil Glenn: Would you NOT interrupt? I was going to say "blow him away". Here's a gun.

Jen: [blushing] Oh. Sorry. Say your prayers, Barkeep. This is the end of the line for you.

Bartender: You mean I don't get that blowjob?

Jen: You are SOOOO dead! [cocking the pistol]

Suddenly a mighty crash sounded as Heather kicked the door in with her sexy and muscular leg. Wood shards flew everywhere, and the doorknob knocked the gun out of Jen's hand.

Harv: Nice kick. A little dainty though.

Heather: Quiet, or your balls are next.

Matty: Hi, Glenn! I've got five friends that want to talk to you [punching him in the face and knocking him out cold]

Jen: Heather, you bitch! I'm gonna kill the Bartender and you can't stop me!

Heather: Oh yeah? [launching a flying tackle and wrestling her to the ground]

Mike: Mmmm.... catfight.

Harv: Shouldn't we be taping this for the Champagne Room Sunday Night Movie?

Matty: Way ahead of you, Harv [squinting at the viewfinder of a digital camcorder] Damn! This is HOT!

Mike: Cat suit's ripping! OOH-RAH!

Heather [grabbing Jen's hair and throwing a series of face punches]: Don't [WHAM!] call [THUD!] me [POW!] bitch! [SMACK!]

Harv: Heather, you might not want to kill her just yet. She's still got interviews to post, including Dana's.

Heather [letting Jen's unconscious head drop to the floor]: I suppose you're right. I don't want to break a nail, and... Matt, what are you doing with that camcorder?

Matty [quickly hiding it behind his back]: Uh,... just, uh.... documenting Evil Glenn's crimes for posterity. Heh.

Mike: Let's just get the Bartender and get out of here before more of Glenn's evil henchmen show up.

Heather: Are you ok, Bartender? Are you hurt? Can you walk?

Bartender: I'm ferfectly pine. I just need another tot of shequila to clear my head...[slumps to the floor in a drunken heap]

Matty: Heather, just grab him & let's go.

Heather[tossing the Bartender lightly over one shoulder] Mike, be a gentleman and open the door for me, please?

Mike looked at the blasted hole where the door used to be, started to mention the door's absence, thought better of it, shrugged, and kicked aside a few scraps of wood.

Mike: After you, m'lady

Heather [beaming]: You're so sweet!... Matt! Harv! Get your asses in gear!

Matty [filling his pockets with scotch bottles]: Right behind ya!

Harv [raiding the cash register]: OOOH! Look! Graffiti currency!

Heather: Harv!

Harv: Right! Coming!

Later, at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon, Matty & I were sitting in a quiet corner discussing the evening’s events:

Harv: I can’t believe how incredibly stupid & dangerous it was busting into Evil Glenn’s lair like that. Good thing we had Heather with us.

Matty: No kidding. Remind me never to piss her off.

Harv: Yeah… uh,... speaking of which, do you have that video handy?

Matty: Heh. Sure do, let’s take a peek, and… oh… crap…

Harv: What’s the matter?

Matty: That DVD I burned… it’s missing.

Harv: Missing? What the hell happened to it?

Matty: I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of the camcorder or something.

Suddenly, from the TV in the corner, a familiar voice:

Evil Glenn: ...and remember, every Sunday at Blender’s is Champale Cubicle Movie Night! This week featuring the hot girl-on-girl action of “Blog War Catfight”

A familiar (and extremely hot) vision graced the screen as Matty & I broke out in simultaneous cold sweats.

Harv: Maybe Heather won’t notice…

Heather: What the f*** is THAT? You guys are SO f****** dead!

Matty: Race ya to Mexico…

Harv: Si, amigo.

Fortunately, while cowering in Tijuana, we were able to lay hands on a 500-pound crate of Orville Reddenbacher’s Movie Theater Popcorn, and had it FedEx’d to Heather, who accepted the gift of her favorite junk food, and quickly forgave us our trespasses as she lapsed into a carb-coma.

But I swear on the Bartender’s tip jar, that bastard Evil Glenn is going to pay for what he did.

The. War. Goes. On.


posted by Harvey at 10:33:02 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, December 25, 2003



As part of Alliance covert ops, I, along with many other brave and intrepid Alliance agents, was tasked with discovering what the fiendish monster would be up to during the holiday season.

Mustering all my considerable geek skills, I managed to hack into his computer. Stupid bastard has just exactly crap for a firewall, so I was into his hard drive in a wink. Soon enough, I found a folder marked "Christmas" and popped it open. Looks like our boy has been re-writing a few Christmas tunes. I'm not positive, but I suspect that this may have something to do with that day care operation of his - Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness. I’m guessing he’s putting on a Christmas pageant of some sort. But, as usual, he’s taken something beautiful & joyous and made it plain old sick & wrong.


For example, in the file named “Jingle Bells”, I found this:


Blender pup, blender pup

Spinning bloody fur

Oh what fun it is to watch

Those metal blades go "whirrrr"


Dashing through their hides

In a Waring whizzing round

Through their flesh it slides

Love that chopping sound


Grisly fuzzy goo

Liquefies just right

What fun it is to slurp and sing

A slaying song tonight!


“Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” was in there, too:


Oh little hobo I just killed

How still I see thee lie.

Above thy dead and dreamless sleep

I laugh until I cry.

Yet if you start to twitch and move

I'll hack you with my knife.

I'll thrust and slice and chop and dice

To end your worthless life.


“Oh Christmas Tree”? Yeah, it’s in there:


Oh Penguin porn, oh penguin porn

How lovely are your feathers

Oh penguin porn, oh penguin porn

I love your lace and leathers

You shake your bare ass just for me

I stroke so fast you can hardly see

Oh penguin porn, oh penguin porn

Bukakke on your feathers.


But you’d think he’d have the decency to leave “Joy To The World” alone, right?




Joy to the world

I punched Frank J.

And bloodied up his nose.

I kicked him in the shins and then

I smacked him in the face again

Like a girl he just cried,

And ran away to hide

So wh-y oh why are you still on his side?


There was more, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. All I know is that Glenn’s foul undertakings have to end SOON!




posted by Harvey at 10:59:15 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Thursday, December 18, 2003




I looked at the intelligence reports again. The Alliance was doomed. There could be no doubt about it. Evil Glenn's secret project would eventually destroy all of humanity, the Alliance included.


I'm not a violent man, but half-measures would be of no use in this battle. I armed myself and headed for Tennessee...


2am - Glenn Reynold's house -


The basement lights were on, alternately brightening and dimming in time to the waxing and waning of a loud electric hum.


"Maybe," I thought to myself "I could just cut the power lines. It would buy us enough time to..."


"IT WORKS! IT WORKS!" I heard Evil Glenn shouting maniacally from inside the house.


Crap. Out of time. I had to finish this. Had to get inside the house NOW!


[rattle rattle]


Crap! Door's locked!


"No problem," I muttered, as I drew my Elmer Fudd Memorial Double-Barrel Breech Loading Pump Action Shotgun from under my black leather trenchcoat. "I've got a key"




Doorknob parts and wooden shards sprayed in all directions from the double-blast. I kicked the remains of the door in and charged into the basement, where I shoved the still-smoking barrels pointedly into the small of Glenn's back.


Harv: I've got you now.


Evil Glenn: Ehhhhhh, (munch, munch) What's up, doc?




[click click]


Evil Glenn: Problems?


Harv: Heh. Forgot to re-load... uh,... so... how's everything with you?


Evil Glenn: Pretty good. Carrot?


Harv: No thanks. That's not food, that's what food eats.


Evil Glenn: Suit yourself [tossing carrot stump over his shoulder]. I've been working on this secret project for months, and it's finally finished. You're just in time for the unveiling. Your sorry little Alliance is finished, and I will soon conquer the entire world. MUAHAHAHAHA!


Harv: I already know all about your evil creation. Alliance spies have been watching your house day and night. Our best minds are already preparing counter-measures. Your army of giant robot blenders will never succeed in frappéing America's puppies and hobos!


Evil Glenn: Giant... robot... what the hell are you talking about?


Harv: Don't play dumb with me! Even the New York Times knows about your foul scheme. Here... read this headline.


Evil Glenn: "Robo-Blenders - Key To A Better, Puppyless, Hoboless American Future?"


Harv: See?


Evil Glenn: Dumbass. Read the byline.


Harv: "by Jayson Blair"... aw CRAP!


Evil Glenn: Eh. Don't worry about it. Anyway, like I was saying, I've got this cool secret project, and...


Harv: You mean you're not going to destroy America with advanced blending technology?


Evil Glenn: Nope.


Harv: But you said that the Alliance was finished.


Evil Glenn: Nah. That was just a little diabolical evil genius bluster to get your goat. I'm actually working on more of a... personal project...


Harv: Show me.


Evil Glenn: Well, you know about my little... preference... for females of the avian persuasion, right?


Harv: ...yyyyeahhh....


Evil Glenn: And you know how much I hate Hillary Clinton and would give anything to see her humiliated and degraded, right?


Harv: ...uh huh...


Evil Glenn: And you know how I can't get laid, right?


Harv: yeahhhh... wait. I thought I got you hooked up with Fatty Sue?


Evil Glenn: We broke up. I couldn't afford the cheeseburger bill.


Harv: Ok, fine. So where are you going with this?


Evil Glenn: I've finally solved all three of my problems. Behold! Evil Glenn's Super Dreamy Electric Love Doll!


Harv: oh.... dear... GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Evil Glenn: Wanna take her for a spin? Let me clean her out & lube her up for you...


Harv: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! [fleeing up the stairs in horror] Stay away from me you sick, twisted, degenerate bastard! AAAAHHHHH!!!


Evil Glenn [yelling after my retreating form] Lawyer!.... Ah well. To each his own. Now... where were we, my sweet Hillurkey?... Oh, baaaaaby!




Ok, so Alliance Intel was slightly misinformed about the nature of Glenn's sinister project. But the revolting terror of that sight will nevertheless haunt me forever. Evil Glenn must be stopped!




(apologies and/or hat tip to Little Tiny Lies for the original pic)

posted by Harvey at 6:57:03 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, December 12, 2003



Tought assignment this week. Find the comment that made Evil Glenn snap.


Well, I had to poke around the Google cache for a while, but I finally found the last date where Instapundit contained comments. Naturally there were about 600 entries, but I think I narrowed it down to a few likely candidates.


Take, for example this entry:


Why do Koreans eat dogs? That's just sick. I'm glad that sort of thing doesn't happen in America.




Which had this comment:


Why are you insulting Koreans? Maybe they're onto something. I mean, have you ever even tasted a dog? Maybe they're yummy. You don't have to eat the whole thing. Just take one little bite and report back. You could even chop it up really fine... or something.



Or this one:


Although I support President Bush, I still think Communism is a bigger threat than terrorism.




Which had this comment:


All you ever do is bash Commies on your site. Have you ever even read the Communist Manifesto? Why don't you just read one little paragraph from Mao's Little Red Book. You'd be surprised how much you two actually have in common. Who knows? You might actually grow to love him someday.



Or this one:


I love the homeless. Call them what you will: tramps, bums, hobos, drifters, etc. All I know is that the happiest moments of my life are spent volunteering at the local soup kitchen.




Which had this comment:


Are you nuts? Those filthy scumbags are a pestilence on American society! The world would be a better place if every last one of them were brutally murdered with a hammer.




Or this one:


I was forced to watch Saturday Night Fever last night. I tell ya, it makes me glad to have given up dancing.




Which had this comment:


I agree. Disco is retarded. But dancing in the 80's was much better. I remember doing this one dance called the Robot. Those jerky moves send a strange sensation through your body. It's like having spiders in your underwear, but somehow it's still quite... stimulating.



Or possibly this one:


I'm proud to be a Christian. I don't see how anyone could ever worship anything but the one true God.




Which had this comment:


Got Satan?



So I really don't know what could have triggered Glenn's slide into evil. However, there was one last post. It seemed completely unrelated, but I'll reproduce it here anyway:


I can feel the darkness growing within me. Foul urges take command of my spirit, and my ability to resist is failing fast. It occurs to me how much power I possess, sitting atop the Ecosystem. Why shouldn't I use it for my own benefit? I mean, it's not like anyone has the power to stop me... Yes, I shall let my evil grow and consume the blogosphere. MUAHAHAHAHA!




Followed by the last three comments I found at Instapundit:


You vile, contemptable bastard! You can't just go around crushing other bloggers like bugs! Your evil must be stopped!



Shut up, vermin! [POW!]



OW! You punched me! That does it! I'm raising an army to put an end to your atrocities!




That exchange took place many months ago. Since then, Evil Glenn's foul activites have been both numerous and well-documented. It's no use trying to figure out the why & wherefore at this point. The only thing left to do is finish the job we've started, quickly and decisively, without hesitation or mercy.


To arms, fellow bloggers, to arms!




posted by Harvey at 7:51:05 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Sunday, December 07, 2003


Evil Glenn brand Puppy Shakes - on sale at Wal-Mart: 3 for $1

Now available in new low-calorie formula, too. Mix and match, limit 3 per customer.

posted by Harvey at 11:18:54 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Friday, December 05, 2003




I tried getting ahold of Evil Glenn to find out what his new part-time job was. You know, the one he need so he can afford to cover his new girlfriend's cheeseburger bill?


Well his phone's been busy all week, so I couldn't talk to him. So I did a little Googling to see if I could learn something.


It didn't take long to hit paydirt. Given his other recent money-making scheme, I probably shouldn't have been too surprised.


I think it might also explain why his phone's been busy. He's probably been taking orders for his new product line.


What is it, you ask? Well, let's just say that Evil Glenn's been selling a new line of *ahem* action figures.

(tip of the hat to Alliance Deep Cover Agent, Code Name: Jen for betraying the secret)


posted by Harvey at 5:15:20 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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