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Bad Money

  Sunday, October 26, 2003


LESSONS FROM TED


(per the Alliance HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment)


Sure, Ted Kennedy is a bloated turd swimming around the cesspool that is the Democratic portion of the US Senate, but he's also a great man. "Great" in the sense of being horrendously large and flabby. Specifically, his misshapen gargoyle-like head.


Nevertheless, I have learned something from his life, like the fact that there are exceptions to every rule. Here are some rules Ted proves by having them not apply to him:


Drunken Irishmen make great friends and are patriotic citizens.


Having affairs will make you the Democratic presidential nominee of choice


Being related to the Governor of California, even if only by marriage, gives you a certain aura of coolness.


Breaking the law repeatedly will land you in jail.


The electorate in your state will not forgive negligent homicide.


A US Senator's ass should not be too wide to fit in his seat.


Lying about the President will get you ClueBatted by patriotic bloggers.


No, wait... forget that last one. There's no exception to that.


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 7:04:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




  Monday, October 20, 2003


MOORE AWARDS


In order to answer the Alliance's Precision Guided Humor assignment question:


What award would you give Michael Moore?


I decided it to see what awards he already had before I started handing out any new ones. So I snuck into his house and had a look around. I found a few that you would expect him to have:


California Liar's Club "Filthy Liar of the Year Award"


The McDonald's "Burgermeister Award for Conspicuous Pig-like Overeating"


NAACP's "Stupid White Man Award"


and France's coveted "Medal of Odor"


Upon further investigation, I also found an entire shelf labeled "Ficticious Awards" which contained:


The Academy Award for Best Documentary


#1 on Mr. Blackwell's "Best Dressed List"


American Haberdasher's Association "Snazziest Hat Award"


Weight Watchers' "Dieter of the Year"


Gilette's "Cleanest Shave Award"


Dial Soap's "Health & Hygiene Award"


The National Rifle Association's "Second Amendment Freedom Trophy"


Republican National Comittee's "Conservative of the Year Award"


and the Nobel Prize for Literature.


I was so disgusted by what I found that I decided he needed one more award. So, I hunted around the premises until I found him outside pleasuring himself to barnyard porn, and I gave him the ClueBall Award.


What's that?


That's where I take my ClueBat and smack his fat head clean over the fence.


Going... Going... Going... GONE!


No! Wait! Fan interference!


Damn. Oh well. Just wait 'till next year.


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 8:59:32 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Friday, October 17, 2003


SOME HELP ON THE PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT

In the comments to SilverBlue's delightful answer to the PGH Assignment question:

What award would you give Michael Moore?

Fritz, of On The Fritz, makes a generous offer of his Photoshopping skills:

***************

I made a Michael Moore bobblehead that I'm quite proud of:

http://www.fritzliess.com/movabletype/archives/000089.html

People keep sending me e-mail messages asking where they can buy one.

If people come up with some good awards, let me know. I'll whip up some statuettes and plaques in Photoshop -- I'm imagining a "crystal insertable" of some sort. Perhaps a solid brass asshat?

***************

If you think this might help you complete your assignment, or even just add that special finishing touch, drop him a line.


posted by Harvey at 7:58:24 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Monday, October 13, 2003


ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT - PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR

This week's question:

What would you say if you had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference?

As a concerned world citizen who realizes that America shouldn't try to go it alone, I want to discover the root causes of France's reluctance to get involved in the Iraqi quagmire. What does America have to do to get France's help?


Do we need to provide France with tanks that have three gears in reverse?


Do we need to spray all the local goats with skunk juice so that French soldiers won't miss the smell of French whores while they're overseas?


Do we need to provide French soldiers with rifles to drop when they're surrendering to small Iraqi children?


Do we need to staff the interim government with badly-moustached sadists so that the French will be more comfortable working with them?


Or do we just need to keep reminding you cowardly, annoying bastards to shut the f*** up because we couldn't care less about what you think?


Oh, and by the way, in the spirit of international cooperation, I feel compelled to add that your mother is a fat, filthy slut who blows dead rats.


If you could give me a hard copy of your answers so I can wad it into a ball and shove it up your ass, I'd greatly appreciate it.


Thank you for your time, Mr. Chirac.


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 8:40:04 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Thursday, October 09, 2003


PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR

For all you Alliance Members, Terrorist Whackers, and French Bashers, there's a new assignment up at Alliance HQ. Apparently there's broad support for mocking terrorists & their supporters. So, with that target in mind, the question has been posted:

What would you say if you had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference?

With answers due next Wednesday night.

Boy, if anything ever just cried out for a top 10 list...


posted by Harvey at 7:34:08 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




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