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  Sunday, November 30, 2003


PGH DONKTIONARY DEFINITIONS


My answers for this week's Precision Guided Humor assignment:


Write some definitions for the Donktionary.


*******************


Anti-American: Stifling the dissent of brave anti-war protesters by demonstrating their idiocy via facts or logic


Appeasement: The only effective strategy for dealing with terrorists


Bigotry: Speaking while white


Censorship: Not watching "Bowling for Columbine"


Conservative: Non-communist


Diversity: Having every color of the rainbow in your organization. NOTE: White is not a color


Europe: Where to look for models of governmental wisdom. No fair asking why I don't just move there


Fox News: AAAAAHHHHH! Satan!


Fundamentalist: Dangerous, enthusiastic believer in the correctness of a religion. Islam doesn't count.


Halliburton: Evil corporate war profiteer


Jingoism: Saying "America" without spitting


Lie: see Fox News


Liberal: an inaccurate smear concocted by narrow-minded conservatives to describe "mainstream Americans"


Mainstream: the beliefs of average Americans, as reported by ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and the New York Times


NPR: Fair and balanced


Oil: Cause of war and environmental destruction. I just wish my Volkswagen didn't leak so much of it.


Patriot: One who points out the continuing deception of the un-elected Bush Adminstration


Quagmire: Any war not started by a Democratic president, except for Viet Nam, which John Kerry bravely served in.


Racism: Any opinion voiced by a damn cracker-ass honky.


Tolerance: Not immediately beating the crap out of any damn cracker-ass honky who starts spouting racism.


UN: Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are our only hope


Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: Lies and the lying liars who tell them


Weapons of Mass Destruction: Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical weapons possessed by oppressive regimes not headed by
badly-moustached dictators - such as America.


****************


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 6:13:51 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




  Wednesday, November 26, 2003


MY NEW WORLD ORDER UNLEASHES A CAN O’WUPASS


Ok, you assgoblin anti-war protesters, I’m gonna give you what you always wanted - I’m going to stifle your dissent, just like the tin-foil-hat-wearing panic-mongers have been claiming would always happen under the EEEEEVIL John Ashcroft. The soon-to-be-passed American Sharia laws will unleash cruel and unusual punishments for your unpatriotic displays:


EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, PARTICIPATION IN ANY ANTI-WAR PROTEST ACTIVITY WILL RESULT IN PUNISHMENT ACCORDING TO THE FOLLOWING SCHEDULE:


First offense: a dirty look


Second offense: a 5 minute “time out”


Third offense: a stern talking-to


Fourth offense: no dessert


Fifth offense: a 10 o’clock curfew


Sixth offense: sent to your room


Seventh offense: loss of cell phone privileges for 2 days


Eighth offense: When I was your age, I respected my elders!


Ninth offense: Are you listening to me?


Tenth offense: Fine! F*** you! You had your chance! – First, we’re gonna handcuff you to this chair and make you listen to Rush Limbaugh for 96 hours straight, then we’re gonna make you bathe WITHOUT using patchouli oil, then you'll get a haircut, a real job, and you WILL start paying rent, young man!


Eleventh offense: Death by Bulunga!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 12:20:19 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Monday, November 17, 2003


LAST WORDS


Although I have no way to prove it , I strongly suspect that as that fateful missile sped towards them, one of the following may have been the last words of the Hussein boys (per the HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment):


1) Pardon me, American Satan dogs, but do you have any Gray Poupon?


2) Uday: I fear we'll soon be riding in a fast car to hell.

Qusay: Shotgun!


3) You remembered the tacky tie, but you forgot the inflatable camel?


4) Hey, they stopped shooting their guns at us. They'll probably give up & go away pretty soon


5) Don't worry, the first missle is always just a warning shot.


6) I'm NOT going to die a virgin! Uday, bend over!


7) Dammit Uday! Why did you bring Viagra and a condom? I said we were going to a WAR house!


8) I think I just pooped myself.


9) What's the air speed velocity of an unladen TOW missile?


10) Uday: American pigs! We will not die easy!

Qusay: That's right! We have Viagra, and we will die hard!


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!



posted by Harvey at 8:13:27 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Monday, November 10, 2003


PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT - UN MOTTO

Yes, the UN needs a better motto than what it currently has (which is either nothing, or "Rice is Life") Here's my top 10:

10) UNable, UNaccountable, UNtrustworthy.

9) Dictators for rent or lease. Dial 1-800-OPPRESS.

8) Peace through superior surrender power.

7) We are too relevant.

6) Pitiful, yet unanimous.

5) Supporting world peace by ignoring genocide.

4) Appeasing, not opposing.

3) See? There is something more cowardly than a Frenchman.

2) Resolving terrorists back to the stone age.

And the #1 suggestion for a UN motto:

1) More talk than a girl's slumber party, less action than a nun's vagina.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 7:47:40 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME



  Sunday, November 02, 2003


2 BIRDS WITH ONE POST

Rising to my own challenge, I'm going to use my new vocabulary to make some taglines for the League of Liberals, in accordance with this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

1) No intaxication for the working class

2) Hillary '04: Reintarnation for the masses

3) Home of the Bozone layer

4) Political foreployers welcome

5) Because higher taxes means less cashtration

6) Substituting giraffiti for reasoned argumentation

7) Unable to jump the conservative sarchasm

8) Follow our leadership, get the tax bill, get three jobs to pay it, inoculatte to keep up your strengh. Who says we don't have a plan for America?

9) No hipatitus here

10) Making osteopornosis a presidential candidate requirement since 1991

11) Crashing & burning in the great Karmageddon

12) Turning the American way of life into a decafalon, one stupid law at a time

13) Stroking your homeland defense glibido without blood for oil

14) Victims of the dopeler effect

15) Spouting an arachnoleptic fit of America-hatred

16) Hear our platform, get the caterpallor

17) Where ignoranuses gather to blather

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!


posted by Harvey at 5:02:41 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME




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