It made headlines the world over when that sewer rat was finally captured. Most of the stories also included a report of the conversation between Saddam and the soldiers:
said: 'I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the president of Iraq and I'm willing to
negotiate'," Major Brian Reed, operations officer for the first brigade
of the Fourth Infantry Division, told reporters at the site where
Saddam was found on Saturday hiding in a hole at a hut. "The response
from soldiers was: 'President Bush sends his regards'."
Although the report was essentially accurate, it didn't cover the WHOLE story. Per this week's Alliance assignment, here's the full transcript:
Soldier: All right, Hussein, you can come out now.
[crawling out of septic tank] About time you guys got here! This place
smells like a French whorehouse! Maybe YOU guys are used to that kind
of... uh... wait, you're not the French, are you?
Soldier: Nope. Nothing but baseball, hot dogs, apple pie & Chevrolet in this group.
Crap! I mean... uh... Thank Allah you've arrived! Saddam Hussein has
been holding me hostage here for days. He just left a few minutes ago.
If you hurry, you can still catch him!
Soldier: Um, Mr. Hussein... [pointing to American flag shoulder patch] NOT stupid?
Crap. Look here, Yankee, I'm still President of Iraq. I have great
wealth and power. How's about you just kinda look the other way for a
couple minutes while I make a run for it? Just give me your name &
address - I'll send you a little something next time I see a post
Saddam, ol' buddy, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You've got NOTHING.
Last week I was taking a dump on the floor of one of your palaces.
You're just another lice-infested homeless guy right now. You've got
about as much going for you as that bum in L.A. who tried washing my
windshield for a quarter.
Saddam: Not true! Not true! See? $750,000 in cash! It's all yours. Just let me go.
Soldier: Not much, considering I'd have to split it 600 ways.
Saddam: You're not alone? Aw, CRAP!
Soldier: Game over, feces face. Let's go.
Saddam: But I'm Saddam Hussein! I'm President of Iraq! I'm willing to negotiate!
Ok, fine. Let's negotiate. Here's my offer [cracking Saddam in the head
with his rifle butt]. If you want, I can double it....
Saddam [clutching his bleeding scalp]: No, no, that's fine. I'll come quietly.
That's better. Well, now that you've surrendered, you'll find that
Americans treat their prisoners with dignity and respect. Anything I
can get for you?
Saddam: Maybe some coffee?
Soldier: Done. HEY TED! Get me a cuppa joe for the schmo!... Anything else?
Saddam: No, I'm good. Thanks.
Soldier: My pleasure.... Now there's just one more little thing you can do for us...
Whatever you want. Here's my notes with the names of the resistance
leaders. I'll also be more than happy to personally escort you to all
the WMD sites.
Soldier: Well, thanks, Mr. H., that's right neighborly of you... But that's not what I was getting at.
Yeah, well, ya see, Christmas is coming up fast, and, what with the
boys being so far away from home and all, I was thinking you could help
bring a little holiday cheer to the 4th ID Christmas party.
Saddam: And how would I do that?
Soldier: Simple, really. All you have to do is... [explains the plan]
Saddam: WHAT? Never! I have rights! I have my dignity! I...
Soldier [raising rifle butt]: Did you want to negotiate some more?
Saddam: All right! All right! I'll do it! Just don't hit me again.
So, during the Special Forces Christmas party, a good time was had by all, thanks to the presence of a very special guest.
HO! HO! HO!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:42:57 PM permalink HOME