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Bad Money

  Tuesday, December 30, 2003


Saddam has intelligence. Not in the sense of being smart enough not to thumb his nose at the US, but rather he knows where certain things are. The Alliance is asking for methods of information extraction, so I will oblige.

There's always the classics, such as drugs, sleep deprivation, starvation, sensory overload and the like, but he may prove resistant to such persuasion. There are sterner options available:

Play "this little piggy" with a hammer. It may not have worked in "Payback", but then again, Saddam is no Mel Gibson.

Sea urchin enema

Strap a thermometer to his willy & have him check the temp on the McDonalds fry oil

Oops! Looks like Saddam got his tie caught in the industrial paper shredder. Sure hope nobody accidentally disabled the "reverse" button.

Ipecac coladas

Steak-umm underwear and a hungry Rottweiler

Scorpion bath

Or maybe we should just get him a new job:

No-hands barnyard masturbator

Cameraman for the new movie, "Lesbo Love Fest", starring Janet Reno and Helen Thomas

San Francisco bathhouse glory-hole sanitizer. Don't forget the buttless red leather chaps uniform
for this one.

Maybe checking Sigfried & Roy's tigers for colon polyps?

Septic tank inspector. Remember to pump the tank before sending him in. Or not.

Crash test dummy

I hear the Mayo Clinic has an opening for a colostomy-bag-emptier

Or maybe we can just send him on vacation:

To a furvert convention in a panda constume

To South Central LA. After midnight. With a pocket full of $100's. Wearing a "F*** Jesse
Jackson" T-shirt

On second thought, screw it. Brass knuckles & razor blades. Either he spills his guts, or we do.


posted by Harvey at 6:45:30 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, December 22, 2003


It made headlines the world over when that sewer rat was finally captured. Most of the stories also included a report of the conversation between Saddam and the soldiers:

"He said: 'I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the president of Iraq and I'm willing to negotiate'," Major Brian Reed, operations officer for the first brigade of the Fourth Infantry Division, told reporters at the site where Saddam was found on Saturday hiding in a hole at a hut. "The response from soldiers was: 'President Bush sends his regards'."

Although the report was essentially accurate, it didn't cover the WHOLE story. Per this week's Alliance assignment, here's the full transcript:

Soldier: All right, Hussein, you can come out now.

Saddam [crawling out of septic tank] About time you guys got here! This place smells like a French whorehouse! Maybe YOU guys are used to that kind of... uh... wait, you're not the French, are you?

Soldier: Nope. Nothing but baseball, hot dogs, apple pie & Chevrolet in this group.

Saddam: Crap! I mean... uh... Thank Allah you've arrived! Saddam Hussein has been holding me hostage here for days. He just left a few minutes ago. If you hurry, you can still catch him!

Soldier: Um, Mr. Hussein... [pointing to American flag shoulder patch] NOT stupid?

Saddam: Crap. Look here, Yankee, I'm still President of Iraq. I have great wealth and power. How's about you just kinda look the other way for a couple minutes while I make a run for it? Just give me your name & address - I'll send you a little something next time I see a post office.

Soldier: Saddam, ol' buddy, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You've got NOTHING. Last week I was taking a dump on the floor of one of your palaces. You're just another lice-infested homeless guy right now. You've got about as much going for you as that bum in L.A. who tried washing my windshield for a quarter.

Saddam: Not true! Not true! See? $750,000 in cash! It's all yours. Just let me go.

Soldier: Not much, considering I'd have to split it 600 ways.

Saddam: You're not alone? Aw, CRAP!

Soldier: Game over, feces face. Let's go.

Saddam: But I'm Saddam Hussein! I'm President of Iraq! I'm willing to negotiate!

Soldier: Ok, fine. Let's negotiate. Here's my offer [cracking Saddam in the head with his rifle butt]. If you want, I can double it....

Saddam [clutching his bleeding scalp]: No, no, that's fine. I'll come quietly.

Soldier: That's better. Well, now that you've surrendered, you'll find that Americans treat their prisoners with dignity and respect. Anything I can get for you?

Saddam: Maybe some coffee?

Soldier: Done. HEY TED! Get me a cuppa joe for the schmo!... Anything else?

Saddam: No, I'm good. Thanks.

Soldier: My pleasure.... Now there's just one more little thing you can do for us...

Saddam: Whatever you want. Here's my notes with the names of the resistance leaders. I'll also be more than happy to personally escort you to all the WMD sites.

Soldier: Well, thanks, Mr. H., that's right neighborly of you... But that's not what I was getting at.

Saddam: Oh?...

Soldier: Yeah, well, ya see, Christmas is coming up fast, and, what with the boys being so far away from home and all, I was thinking you could help bring a little holiday cheer to the 4th ID Christmas party.

Saddam: And how would I do that?

Soldier: Simple, really. All you have to do is... [explains the plan]

Saddam: WHAT? Never! I have rights! I have my dignity! I...

Soldier [raising rifle butt]: Did you want to negotiate some more?

Saddam: All right! All right! I'll do it! Just don't hit me again.

Soldier: Better.

So, during the Special Forces Christmas party, a good time was had by all, thanks to the presence of a very special guest.



posted by Harvey at 7:42:57 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Monday, December 15, 2003


Boy, I thought the Dems were screwed before. Now that Saddam's in custody, the whole party has become almost completely irrelevant.

Nevertheless, they have to toss a sacrificial goat on the altar of the 2004 Presidential election, and there are currently 9 demented, twitching ogres eager to throw themselves on the pyre.

Being a loyal American, I want to do my part to help one of them commit political suicide, so here, in accordance with this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment, are my suggestions for some Democratic campaign slogans:

Dennis Kucinich - Now that I'm no longer desecrating your dead sons, I'd like to defile your live daughters (link via Frizzen Sparks).

Dennis Kucinich – “Your women, I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your childrens!”

Carol Moseley Braun - Twice as diverse as Al Sharpton.

Carol Moseley Braun – Vote for me - unless you’re a racist misogynist.

John Kerry - Pardon my French

Howard Dean - Not to be confused with Howard the Duck.

Joe Lieberman - Because Al Gore used to like me.

Joe Lieberman - Don't worry, Gentiles, he'll still let you celebrate Christmas

Al Sharpton - Joe Stalin's politics, Kim Jong Il's hair

Rev. Al - putting "God" back into "God dammit, cracker, you better vote for me!"

Hillary Clinton - You know I can lick Bush. Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

Hillary Clinton - Now, more than ever. Because by 2008, I'll have died from the syphillis that Bill gave me.

Dick Gephardt – Dick and Jane run for the White House. Run, Dick. Run, Jane. Run! Run! Run!

Dick Gephardt - As Aryan as you wanna be.

Wesley Clark – Riding the short bus to the Presidency

John Edwards – Vote for me or my Klingon hordes will destroy you!

Or they can just go with the all-purpose Democrat slogan:

"It's not fair! Bush never should've won in the first place! Stupid electoral college! WAAAAAAHHHH!"


posted by Harvey at 11:20:33 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

  Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Now that Kofi Annan has died in a tragic hair-drying accident and I have been elected Secretary General of the UN, I am proposing the following resolutions:

#1625 The French will henceforth bathe with both soap AND water

#1626 All terrorists will wear Where's-Waldo-style stripey shirts for easy identification. You, too, Kucinich, you f'n crap weasel.

#1627 The UN Building will be closed down and re-opened as a Super Wal-Mart. All UN offices and equipment will be relocated to a whorehouse in Brussels

#1628 Upon entering the UN Building, all delegates will bitch-slap the Ambassador from France. After all delegates are seated, the French Ambassador will favor us with his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"

#1629 All leaders of nations NOT among the "Coalition of the Willing" will kneel before an American flag every day at 8am to give thanks to whatever deity they may worship that the US hasn't yet nuked their terrorist-coddling asses

#1630 Kim Jong Il WILL stop by Supercuts before the end of the day, or face re-coiffing from the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew

#1631 Misha I will be crowned Emperor by his own hand, and the world's population will take an oath of fealty lest they incur his Wrath O'ClueBat.

#1632 Kyoto = no mo'

#1633 The rainforests jungles of Brazil will be clear-cut and the entire country paved over as a parking lot for the world's largest indoor shopping center - The Mall of the Americas

#1634 Anyone who attempts any terrorist act will be dressed in red buttless leather chaps and turned loose in a San Francisco bath house wearing a "no Vaseline required" T-shirt.


posted by Harvey at 12:13:39 AM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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