Bad Money

	Wednesday, January 28, 2004

FRENCH ASSISTANCE (A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT) In a US Army camp on the outskirts of Baghdad, Private John "Lucky" Lukowski, frustrated by his inability to complete his assigned duties, seeks the assistance of his Sergeant, William "Rocky" Stone… Pvt: Look, Sarge, I understand the importance of Operation Useful Frenchman, but I really don't know if this is going to work. Sgt: Lucky, we've got our orders. The President decided that, in the interests of getting France to shut the f*** up, we'd give them something to do in Iraq that didn't pose a security risk. The President told the Generals, the Generals told the Lieutenants, the Lieutenants told the Sergeants, and then I told you: "Keep the damn Frogs busy." The shit has followed standard operating procedure and rolled downhill, right into your lap. I'm counting on you to make it happen. Pvt: It's not that I'm not touched by your faith in me, Rocky, but it just doesn't seem to be working out. Sgt: Son, I really hate to hear an American fighting man tell me that a job can't be done. Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your ass the last couple weeks? You submitted a list of tasks you thought Pierre & Co. could accomplish, I approved it, and you've had complete freedom to make it happen. Maybe you better tell me what's been happening. Let's start with this first item... Building a baseball diamond? Pvt: Yeah. I thought maybe if the Iraqi kids learned about fun American customs like baseball, they might grow to love us. Sgt: I really liked that idea. Putting the French to work spreading American culture. The sweet, delicious irony. What happened? Pvt: Well, since the Whiteflaggers don't know anything about baseball, I thought I should have 'em practice with with the chalk line marker cart to make sure they could walk 90 feet in a straight line. Sgt: Good thinking. Where'd they practice? Pvt: Boom-Boom Alley. Sgt: WHAT? You had them walking through an un-cleared minefield? Pvt: You TOLD me to! Sgt: [whacking Lucky upside the head] Damn it, Lucky! I told you "Zoom-Zoom Alley", the air-to-ground live-fire range! No wonder the Air Force has been riding my ass about not having enough targets! Pvt: Sorry 'bout that. But on the bright side, the minefield is pretty much cleared now, and the local vultures have never looked so fat and sleek. Sgt: I'm sure the Audubon Society will be thrilled… How 'bout this next one... War criminal search & rescue? Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others. Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice? Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad… Sgt: What happened? Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol' Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first. Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy. Sgt: And you just lost the one? Pvt: More like one hundred. It was almost spooky how they just jumped right in, one after another. It was like watching a pack of hippies stampede over a cliff into the sea. Sgt: You mean lemmings. Pvt: Yeah, lemmings. Sorry. Just a bit of personal fantasy there. Sgt: Oh well, as long as there's a few less Snail-Snappers in the world… So how about this other one… Assist local farmers with animal husbandry chores? Pvt: I really thought we had a winner with that one. Seems the local farmers are experimenting with artificial insemination techniques in their goat herds. I figured the Stinky Pierres would make great barnyard animal masturbators. Sgt: Having known a few French women, I have to agree that I can't think of anyone more qualified to bring a smelly, hairy animal to orgasm than a French man. How'd that work out, Lucky? Pvt: They took to it like fish to water. I haven't heard happy-animal noises like that since Howard Dean's Iowa speech, but… Sgt: But? But what? I thought you said they were good at it? Pvt: Yeah, well… they didn't just use their hands… Sgt: Not just their…Oh... I see… Well, I suppose as long as they spit… Pvt: Swallowed. Sgt: Hmmm... So I guess the Iraqi farmers are pretty pissed about the whole thing? Pvt: Actually, not so much. A lot of the farmers had video cameras, and what with internet connections becoming more and more common around here, I'm thinking Paris Hilton isn't going to be the #1 Google hit for "skanky sex" much longer. Sgt: You're probably right. Well, Lucky, I'm about sick of these pants-wetting rifle-droppers. Maybe you should take the rest of 'em out on Septic Patrol. Tell 'em we found an underground restaurant that makes it just like momma. Pvt: With pleasure, Rocky. Sgt: And Lucky? Pvt: Yeah, Sarge? Sgt: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! posted by Harvey at 8:25:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

	Tuesday, January 20, 2004

	Tuesday, January 13, 2004

	Tuesday, January 06, 2004

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