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Bad Money

  Wednesday, January 28, 2004


In a US Army camp on the outskirts of Baghdad, Private John "Lucky" Lukowski, frustrated by his inability to complete his assigned duties, seeks the assistance of his Sergeant, William "Rocky" Stone…

Pvt: Look, Sarge, I understand the importance of Operation Useful Frenchman, but I really don't know if this is going to work.

Sgt: Lucky, we've got our orders. The President decided that, in the interests of getting France to shut the f*** up, we'd give them something to do in Iraq that didn't pose a security risk. The President told the Generals, the Generals told the Lieutenants, the Lieutenants told the Sergeants, and then I told you: "Keep the damn Frogs busy." The shit has followed standard operating procedure and rolled downhill, right into your lap. I'm counting on you to make it happen.

Pvt: It's not that I'm not touched by your faith in me, Rocky, but it just doesn't seem to be working out.

Sgt: Son, I really hate to hear an American fighting man tell me that a job can't be done. Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your ass the last couple weeks? You submitted a list of tasks you thought Pierre & Co. could accomplish, I approved it, and you've had complete freedom to make it happen. Maybe you better tell me what's been happening. Let's start with this first item... Building a baseball diamond?

Pvt: Yeah. I thought maybe if the Iraqi kids learned about fun American customs like baseball, they might grow to love us.

Sgt: I really liked that idea. Putting the French to work spreading American culture. The sweet, delicious irony. What happened?

Pvt: Well, since the Whiteflaggers don't know anything about baseball, I thought I should have 'em practice with with the chalk line marker cart to make sure they could walk 90 feet in a straight line.

Sgt: Good thinking. Where'd they practice?

Pvt: Boom-Boom Alley.

Sgt: WHAT? You had them walking through an un-cleared minefield?

Pvt: You TOLD me to!

Sgt: [whacking Lucky upside the head] Damn it, Lucky! I told you "Zoom-Zoom Alley", the air-to-ground live-fire range! No wonder the Air Force has been riding my ass about not having enough targets!

Pvt: Sorry 'bout that. But on the bright side, the minefield is pretty much cleared now, and the local vultures have never looked so fat and sleek.

Sgt: I'm sure the Audubon Society will be thrilled… How 'bout this next one... War criminal search & rescue?

Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others.

Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice?

Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad…

Sgt: What happened?

Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol' Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first. Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy.

Sgt: And you just lost the one?

Pvt: More like one hundred. It was almost spooky how they just jumped right in, one after another. It was like watching a pack of hippies stampede over a cliff into the sea.

Sgt: You mean lemmings.

Pvt: Yeah, lemmings. Sorry. Just a bit of personal fantasy there.

Sgt: Oh well, as long as there's a few less Snail-Snappers in the world… So how about this other one… Assist local farmers with animal husbandry chores?

Pvt: I really thought we had a winner with that one. Seems the local farmers are experimenting with artificial insemination techniques in their goat herds. I figured the Stinky Pierres would make great barnyard animal masturbators.

Sgt: Having known a few French women, I have to agree that I can't think of anyone more qualified to bring a smelly, hairy animal to orgasm than a French man. How'd that work out, Lucky?

Pvt: They took to it like fish to water. I haven't heard happy-animal noises like that since Howard Dean's Iowa speech, but…

Sgt: But? But what? I thought you said they were good at it?

Pvt: Yeah, well… they didn't just use their hands

Sgt: Not just their…Oh... I see… Well, I suppose as long as they spit…

Pvt: Swallowed.

Sgt: Hmmm... So I guess the Iraqi farmers are pretty pissed about the whole thing?

Pvt: Actually, not so much. A lot of the farmers had video cameras, and what with internet connections becoming more and more common around here, I'm thinking Paris Hilton isn't going to be the #1 Google hit for "skanky sex" much longer.

Sgt: You're probably right. Well, Lucky, I'm about sick of these pants-wetting rifle-droppers. Maybe you should take the rest of 'em out on Septic Patrol. Tell 'em we found an underground restaurant that makes it just like momma.

Pvt: With pleasure, Rocky.

Sgt: And Lucky?

Pvt: Yeah, Sarge?


posted by Harvey at 8:25:53 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, January 20, 2004


There are a lot of good things that have come from prosecuting the War on Terror, the biggest of which is, well, lots of dead terrorists. But there are several side benefits as well. Here's my Top 10:

10) Sales of "War on Terror: To Do List" T-shirts skyrocket, spurring a rapid economic recovery.

9) More oil for blood. Terrorist blood, that is.

8) Lavish and exotic ashtrays for American soldiers.

7) Filthy hippies skip college classes to attend protests, allowing serious students to learn in an atmosphere free from eye-wateringly noxious odors and choruses of "is this going to be on the test?"

6) The French finally got around to producing their own color-coded terror threat level warnings.

5) GrouchyMedia videos

4) That defeated look on Dan Rather's face when the statue fell.

3) Hey, cool! The latest copy of Surrender Monkeys Monthly just hit the stands!

2) How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

and the #1 side benefit to the War on Terror:

1) American kids improve their geography skills; learn that "between the Tigris and Euphrates" is not a euphemism for "vagina".


posted by Harvey at 8:15:20 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, January 13, 2004


Sure, right-wingers may be stupid, but at least we're not trite and uncreative. The Pro-Saddam lefties trot out the same tired old slogans for every protest:

Bush = Hitler
No blood for oil!
War is always a mistake
Global war industry = weapons of mass destruction


For the sake of this week's Alliance Precision Guided Humor assignment, let's see if we can't make some improvements (NOTE: lest you accuse me of making things up, damn near all of these are based on actual protest slogans):

Bush lied! People died! We're glad Saddam is on our side!

Give appease a chance.

Where are the WMD's? Hey! No fair looking in the palaces!

America - stop killing innocent Iraqis! That's Saddam's job!

All blood is red! So are crayons. We like crayons. Crayons for peace. Maybe some nice, juicy
tomatoes, too. Ooooh! And strawberry Jell-o!

They're selling war; we're not buying. Boycott Evian!

Peace; not shattered lives. Except in America

Brains not bombs. Since we have neither, we demand peace!

UN Yes! Wild West No! Tofu Definitely!

No war in our name. Just oppressed Iraqis

Violence breeds violence. Let's breed peace. Sheep are peaceful. Let's be more like sheep.

Let's bomb Texas; they have oil too. Then we'll bomb Arizona because it has a desert. And
Indiana because it starts with the letter I. And bomb my house because my dad's a jerk. Can you
believe he charges me rent to live in the basement?

Iraq is not the enemy. The enemy lies within. Wait... does that mean I'm the enemy? I'm

No blood for oil! No brains for peace!


posted by Harvey at 6:44:06 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

  Tuesday, January 06, 2004


Sure, France, Germany & Russia are trying to make nice with us by forgiving some Iraqi debt, but they REALLY hurt our feelings with all that "opposing the war" crap. Any member of the Axis of Weasels who wants forgiveness has a few acts of contrition to perform.

First, some country-specific items:

France: Admit that Jerry Lewis isn't funny. We'd like that in writing, please.

Russia: Get a real alphabet.

Germany: Learn to drink your beer cold.


Second, some stuff that goes for every last anti-war Weaselite out there:

Write 1000 times "I will not coddle terrorists." The UN can check it for spelling errors. I figure they can manage that much without screwing up.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut the f*** up

At every press conference, wear a T-shirt that says: "I'm a two-faced crap weasel with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"

Drop & give me 20

We're revoking citizenship for the entire gang of Hollywood asshats. Please give them a nice home. Running water and toilet facilities are, of course, strictly optional at your discretion.

Bake us a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies. From scratch. Dough from a tube doesn't count

Flowers would be nice. Oh, and candy. Maybe a pair of diamond earrings, too.

Scrub our toilets. Yes, with your tongues.

Foot massages, all around.

Making English your country's official language would be a good touch.

We get to punch you in the arm. Ready? Go! Whoops! Two for flinching! [WHACK! WHACK!]

Your national hat is now the Stetson.

Your new National Anthem is "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue"

There! Now doesn't it feel nice to have a clear conscience? Apology accepted.


posted by Harvey at 7:17:00 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

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