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Bad Money
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
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KERRYS FIRST 100 DAYS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
John Kerry has a plan for America. In his first 100 days, John Kerry vows that he will:
Preserve endangered species by creating a Wildlife Refuge for interns in Africa.
Reduce America's dependence on foreign oil by banning Bikini Oil Wresting contests.
Require mandatory skiing lessons for all Secret Service sons of bitches.
Take Iraq reconstruction contracts away from Halliburton and give them to more qualified companies like Heinz.
Fight to ensure that all Americans can afford the drugs they need, and stop the out of control upward spiral of crack prices.
Prevent America from taking unilateral military action with it's 50 coalition partners, unless one of them is France.
Protect children from the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping our
nation by passing the "Only Kill Children With Knives Act".
Win the war against illiteracy by requiring subtitles on all SpongeBob SquarePants episodes.
Pick up those medals he threw over the fence.
Stop the spread of Mad Cow Disease by renaming it "Disgruntled Bovine Affliction".
Fight the AIDS epidemic by banning viruses.
Show his support for the Americans With Disabilities Act by hiring blind, quadriplegic Secret Service Agents.
And teaching those sons of bitches how to ski.
Fund more after school programs for children so they can develop
non-academic interests and skills, such as music, art, and pimpin' they
ho's.
Increase the safety of all Americans by requiring "CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE" warning labels on all terrorists.
Make college affordable to all who wish to attend by burning down the "too expensive" ones.
Stop the national crime epidemic by passing the "Make Crime Illegal Act".
Increase workplace safety by requiring all workers to wear cushy, inflatable "sumo suits"
Expand economic opportunities for women by making it legal to hire them for "non-girly" jobs.
Champion initiatives that ensure children are not forced to learn in overcrowded classrooms by shooting every third child.
Keep "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, but add the words "If that's ok with France" at the end.
Yes, with initiatives like these, John Kerry will, if elected, go down
in the history books as the best President the United States of Al
Qaeda ever had.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:27:33 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004
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FRANCES SECRET REASONS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Why wouldn't the French help out in Iraq? Lots of reasons:
* The men of France had a list of vital chores to complete
* As did the women
* It's not easy finding a Girl Scout troop to surrender to during the busy cookie-selling season.
* They were having trouble finding just the right jaunty angle to wear their berets.
* Iraq didn't have enough stinky cheese to make the trip worth their while, but they did generously offer to invade Wisconsin.
* They were afraid of getting their asses handed to them by the Iraqi boys soccer team.
* Their tanks only run in reverse, so they couldn't help with the going
in part. But if we need help with the pulling out part...
* Desert camo colors clash with those tacky Where's Waldo shirts they
all wear, and a fashion faux pas of that magnitude is considered a war
crime.
* Haven't yet perfected the bullet-proof beret.
* The nation's ammo supply was already earmarked for cheese hunting season
* They couldn't find an Iraqi phrase for "I am a surrender monkey"
* Too busy laundering the oil-for-food money
* Couldn't get permission from their mommies.
* Troop movement logistics were problematic. Seems the collective stench from 200 French troops inevitably melts aircraft hulls.
* Claimed there was no way to keep their frog supply fed in the "no fly zones"
* Due to a nation-wide pig shortage, the French Army was too busy rooting for truffles.
* Couldn't invade until they figured out which wine goes with falafel.
* The French constitution forbids the slaughtering of native populations outside the African continent.
* Not enough benzene in Iraqi bottled water.
* They're still bitter about Al Franken beating Jerry Lewis in the last round of Iraqi Idol.
Oh, and they're a bunch of spineless, yellow-bellied cowards.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:52:58 AM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004
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ALL ABOUT THE OIL
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Jose, a hippie Venzuelan in France seems to think that Americans are a
bunch of war-grabbing oil-mongers... or something. He recently said to
Jeff of BigStick.US:
"The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going
to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism."
Hmmm… let's take a peek at Venezuela's history to see if Jose has any cause to be talkin' trash:
FUN FACTS ABOUT VENEZUELA (with apologies to Frank J.):
Venezuela is a small, mountainous country in South America that people
are constantly leaving because it smells like monkey poop.
Venezuela was originally colonized by bloodthirsty Spaniards. In Spain
at the time, 16th century hippies were forever chanting crap like
"Isabella=Genghis Khan" and "No Blood for Incan gold!" Like their
modern counterparts they, too were mocked by right-wing bloggers, who
at that time used a primitive form of the internet made out of abacuses
tied together with very long strips of rawhide.
The Venezuelan economy primarily produces bananas, coffee, sugarcane,
and ruthless dictators. Other crops include maize, cocoa, tobacco, and
bloody coups.
Venezuela was a founding member of OPEC and was instrumental in the
insane upward spiral of crude oil prices in the 1970's. However, they
were eventually kicked out refusing to adopt the turban as their
"national funny hat".
Like Iraq, Venezuela was the beneficiary of an oil-for-food program. No, seriously. These dickweeds can't even feed themselves.
With that in mind it becomes fairly obvious what's going on here. All
Americans look the same to foreign nationals, and Jose has mistaken
Jeff for George W. Bush. He hopes to provoke Jeff (W.) into such a rage
that he'll invade Venezuela and turn that smelly patch of dirt into a
model democracy, freed at last of dictators, smelly monkeys & food
shortages.
Well, Jose, we'll pass your request along to the proper authorities,
but you'll have to go to the end of the line. Iran & North Korea
were here first.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:09:23 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004
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RALPH NADER CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
In an effort to help Ralph Nader spoil yet another Democrat's chance at
the White House, I'm offering this top 10 list of Ralph Nader campaign
slogans.
10) I kept Gore out of the White House. You owe me.
9) Because I'm not crack-monkey crazy like Kucinich
8) Freedom. Progress. Prosperity. BAH!
7) NADER = Notorious American Deranged Environmentalist Radical
6) I will destroy all corporations! MUAHAHAHAHA!... For information on
how your corporation can donate to my campaign, visit, www.nader2004.org
5) NADER = Nearing Another December of Endless Recounts
4) I'll stop the terrorists before they corporate.
3) Acting Frencher than John Kerry looks.
2) I destroyed the Corvair, I can destroy the SUV!
1) ATTENTION ALL DEMOCRATS: Give me $200,000 in small, unmarked bills or I'll stay on the ballot.
Go get 'em, Ralphie. Mheh.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:44:52 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2004 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 3/24/04; 8:29:55 PM.
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