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Bad Money
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
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SCANDAL!
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Documents discovered in Iraq recently have uncovered the shocking discovery that hundreds the UN's Oil for Food program is rife with corruption.
Who could've guessed?
Ok, everybody, but as more documents are discovered and translated, we
can expect further revelations. I anticipate the following will soon
come to light:
Secret genetic experiments, most of which went horribly wrong.
DNA tests prove Jacques Chirac is Uday's real father.
The "mobile weapons labs" were actually carrying Saddam's secret supply of inflatable sheep. (SFW)
Video tapes proving that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers (Ok, I got that one from the Weekly World News).
Michael Moore's love letters to a camel with a Britney-Spears-shaped birthmark.
Naked pictures of Helen Thomas. (SFW)
Proof that the Iraqi Information Minister, Baghdad Bob, was the ghost-writer for "Bowling for Columbine."
Yellow legal pad covered with the words "Kerry '04" in Saddam's handwriting.
Proof that Russia, China, France and Germany conspired to award the
Miss Universe crown to Miss Iraq, despite the fact that the rules
clearly indicated that she should be disqualified for excessive back
hair.
Documents showing that, despite claims to the contary, Bill Clinton clearly knew what the meaning of the word "is" was.
A short e-mail from CNN: "Don't worry, we won't tell anyone."
Saddam's secret plan for acquittal at his upcoming trial:
1) practice golf swing
2) buy gloves 2 sizes too small
3) drive slow
Memo claiming that Saddam never had WMD's. There was merely a
translation error. What he said was that he had "a dreadful social
disease".
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:35:26 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
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THE 9/11 COMMISSION EXPLAINED
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Although it may resemble a free-for-all of partisan finger-pointing, the
9/11 Commission is actually a well-organized group of partisan
finger-pointers, who are tasked with investigating several specific areas of inquiry.
I quote these topics directly from the 9/11 Commission web site, and include their
preliminary recommendation for each area, which I obtained by pulling it out
of my ass via secret sources:
Al Qaeda and the Organization of the 9-11 Attack:
Recommendation: Pass a law requiring that, when terrorists stop at a titty bar for
their now-traditional last night of debauchery before carrying out
their plans, they be served only cyanide margaritas. These may be, but are
not required to be, 2-for-1 specials.
Intelligence Collection, Analysis, and Management (including oversight and resource allocation):
Recommendation:
The FBI and CIA must work together as a team. No more messing with each
other's letterheads to make them read "Fat Bloated Idiots" or "Childish
Ignoramous Asshats".
International Counterterrorism Policy, including states that harbor or
harbored terrorists, or offer or offered terrorists safe havens:
Recommendation:
The old policy of "give them money & hope they leave us alone" has
failed. Hopefully the new policy of "Nuke first, ask the glowing
wasteland questions later" will have better results.
Terrorist Financing:
Recommendation:
No more "zero down, no payments for 90 days" crap. From now on, all
terrorists are strictly "cash and carry". With all carrying being done
by stuffing their gooey remains in a 5-gallon bucket.
Border Security and Foreign Visitors:
Recommendation:
America no longer has the luxury of allowing suspicious people to cross
its borders with impunity. For maximum surveillance efficiency, all
borders will be continuously manned by bored, gossipy, small-town
housewives known as the Gladys Kravitz Brigade.
Law Enforcement and Intelligence Collection inside the United States:
Recommendation:
So that no detail is missed, all law enforcement and intelligence
information will be retained in a single centralized database.
Cyberdyne Systems expects SkyNet and its army of friendly, helpful
Hunter-Killer cyborgs to be on line before the end of the year.
Commercial Aviation and Transportation Security, including an Investigation into the Circumstances of the Four Hijackings:
Recommendation:
Before any passenger is allowed to board a plane, he will be asked the
foolproof terrorist-revealing question: "If you were a terrorist and I
asked you whether you were a terrorist, would you say "yes"?". If he
answers either "yes" or "no" then he's a terrorist and should be beaten
to a bloody pulp on the spot, since a normal American would respond
"What kind of stupid ass question is that? Get the f*** out of my way
before I miss my flight!"
The Immediate Response to the Attacks at the National, State, and Local levels, including issues of Continuity of Government:
Recommendation:
Nuke the moon... or at least the crescent moons on top of
mosques occupied by gun-wielding terrorists. Lather. Radiate. Repeat.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:20:14 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
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TAGLINES FOR AIR AMERICA
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
The premise is simple. If Rush Limbaugh can have success on talk radio
as a right-wing commentator, then there MUST be a crying need for left-wing talk radio, too, right?
Not even close, but when you're a lefty, facts are just annoying things
to be clubbed over the head with your emotions like so many baby seals.
You just gotta wish hard enough, and you'll get what you want.
But in addition to happy wishes, if you're going to succeed in this
business, you need a witty tagline to succinctly capture your essence.
Rush has "Excellence in Broadcasting", Fox News has "Fair and
Balanced". Air America has...
well, looking at their web site... nothing.
That's just sad. Here... let me help:
Finally, a network to the left of CNN
More spin than a helicopter rotor.
Where unfunny hack comedians got to die.
Of the ignorant, by the ignorant, for the ignorant.
The place to go when you're just too damn lazy to think for yourself.
Proving that just because you wear glasses doesn't mean you have intelligence.
As good a place to end our careers as we can hope for.
Proud member of the Axis of Drivel.
Almost as unbiased as Dan Rather.
No, this is NOT just the DNC's way of dodging McCain-Feingold, why do you ask?
Because "bullshitconspiracytheories.com" was already taken.
Not affiliated with John Kerry for President. At least on paper. Thank God for the Shredmaster 3000.
The one who will finally bring balance to The Force in accordance with prophecy.
Think of us as the audio version of the Democratic Underground.
Because seven networks and five cable news channels bashing Bush 24 hours a day JUST ISN'T ENOUGH!
NPR for dummies.
Check it out - we've even got a black guy. In your face, Limbaugh!
Coming soon to a tinfoil hat near you.
Like Rush without the drug addiction or the common sense.
Because Al Franken's mouth is too freakishly wide to appear on television.
More flaming assholes than the Preparation-H test labs.
Winner of the Jayson Blair "Credibilty in Media" Award.
Nearly as accurate as an Arthur Andersen audit.
Don't worry, we promise to go away as soon as the election is over.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:02:25 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, April 04, 2004
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FUNNER FACTS ABOUT TERRORISTS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
As noted at Alliance HQ, Frank J of IMAO
published several "Fun Facts About Terrorists" on a recent T-shirt.
Here are some of my contributions in the same vein, which will probably
wind up on a thong or teddy:
Terrorists often shout "Allah Akbar" just before attacking, which is Arabic for "I'm a dumbass"
Terrorists will often be seen wearing curly-toed, green felt shoes with bells, much like Christmas elves, except more explosive.
Terrorists are usually young men of Middle-Eastern descent, but not
always, so as a precaution you should randomly put your hand down
women's pants to check for C4.
Large groups of children make prime targets for terrorists. If you see
a large group of children, scatter them with a stink bomb for their own
good.
The best way to prevent terrorist attacks is by passing strongly worded
legislation. Please support the "Don't Blow People Up Act"
If you see a terrorist carrying a bomb, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it while saying "No! Bad!"
Some people think that reasoned discourse is the best way to deal with
terrorism. They are either French or stupid. Either way, ignore them.
On the off chance that the French are right, ship all terrorists to France for a good talking to.
When shipping terrorists, be sure to cut air holes in the container before covering the holes over with duct tape.
If the terrorist being shipped starts saying something like "Help! I
can't breathe!", don't be alarmed, because that's actually Arabic for
"I am happy to be going to France for a good talking to."
Not everyone who shouts "Die American Pigs!" is a terrorist. He might
be a commie, a hippy, or Al Franken. Shoot him anyway, just to be safe.
If there is someone on the wing of the airplane trying to wreck the engine, he is probably a gremlin, and not a terrorist. Don't shoot him unless you are William Shatner.
The following people are not actually terrorists: Alec Baldwin, Barbra
Streisand, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garofalo. If you see them, shoot
them anyway, because they're damned annoying.
If you're out of bullets, ship them to France.
Use extra duct tape.
Terrorists can often be found in folk bands shaking a wooden hoop ringed with tiny cymbals.
Wait... that's a tambourinist. Don't shoot him because you might run out of bullets, which you'll need if you see Michael Moore.
Poverty is the root cause of terrorism. If you see a poor person, shoot him.
Jews are often victimized by terrorists. If you see a Jew, shoot anyone standing next to him.
Buy a lot of stock in companies that make bullets.
Don't sell the stock, or you'll wind up in jail and Martha Stewart will make you her bitch.
John Kerry is not a terrorist. Don't shoot him, lest the Democrats replace him with a viable Presidential candidate.
Saddam Hussein is a terrorist, but he's been captured, so don't shoot him.
But if you do shoot at him and "accidentally" miss and hit his French lawyer... Hey, I didn't see ANYTHING.
Yasser Arafat isn't a terrorist. He's a... wait... yes he is. Have at him.
Not all terrorists are bad. Some of them are good.
For target practice.
Terrorists would prefer that John Kerry be elected President. If you
see someone voting for John Kerry... well, they're probably American
citizens and you're probably low on bullets, so just ship them to
France. But go easy on the duct tape.
Unless it's Alec Baldwin
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:33:48 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 4:38:56 PM.
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