The sound of one drain dripping
This morning, I discovered a leak had sprung under my bathroom sink, by leaning over and blindly groping for a fresh roll of White Cloud from the opened value-pack.. and instead sticking my hand into a sodden, mildewed mess. Gross, on several levels. So my first unplanned activities of the day consisted of removing the waterlogged contents of my vanity to the trash bin (how many cans of Bon Ami did I have under there?), calling my super to request repair, and waiting for maintenance to carry out said repair.

I was more inconvenienced than I was upset, reminding myself that it's one of the joys of non-homeownership. These days, when something self-destructs, I summon a representative of the entity whose problem it is. Based on the track record from when I owned my own digs, if I had to fix it myself I'd have eaten up most of the day trying, spent $40 on things at Home Depot I didn't need, and had a 50-50 chance of success. Headaches I don't need. Put that pipe wrench down, we have people for that.

I've been living alone since February, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It was only recently that I even realized I've never truly lived alone until now. I went seamlessly from adolescence to college dorm, then on to military barracks, then to a cohabitive relationship that became a marriage. Until now, there's always been someone else around. So I have to acknowledge this has been a new experience, a Major Life Change, for me.

Some of the implications of this are only now becoming clear. From a practical standpoint, I'm thriving. I was never helpless and can do all the things I need to do to live independently; the compulsory semester of home ec in junior high school paid off for me! I eat better (healthier) than I have in years. My apartment is neat. I never run out of clean clothes. I pay the important bills on time. Most of the middle-aged bachelor stereotypes that may come to your mind do not apply to me.

I lack the negative influences of a shared life; the conflict, the frayed nerves, the lack of fairness, the irresponsible choices, etc etc, and I don't really miss those. In fact, I struggle not to remain bitter about having lived through them. While I must acknowledge that I'm learning a lot about the cause and effect of bad decisions when there's nobody to blame for them but myself, I don't see that as a negative. Many people will go through life unaware of the damage they cause. I view the opportunity to troubleshoot my own messes as a gift, and what I learn is slowly making me a better person.

Of course, I lack the positive influences of a shared life as well. There's nothing nurturing about my environment... it's purely functional, if not downright soulless. I've developed bad habits about self-care (after all, it's only me). I make plans, but lack the commitment to follow through with them because I don't share them, so self-discipline takes a beating. While I don't necessarily need to be rescued by the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I do lack a certain aesthetic sense (that shirt does NOT go with those pants, and the living room fairly screams "bachelor kicked to the curb"), and until now I took for granted the sets of eyes that have helped keep me from embarassing myself.

Now, before you think I view relationships like a Toyota commercial ("I love what you do for me"), note that I'm not commenting on emotional, social, or sentimental issues here, just the practical frustrations, because that's what's important to me now. At present I have nobody front and center in my life (a few friends and scattered family), so there's no doubt or distraction on this issue. I've abandoned my "self" to conform to the wishes and desires of others so much, and so willingly. I'm not going to do that anymore. Friends, romance... I'd like those things, but do I need them? And am I willing to compromise my integrity once again to have them? It's a tough call, but it's soul-building. I'm going to focus on learning to enjoy myself, and enjoy living alone, letting the chips fall where they may.

I realize this went a long way from a leaky sink trap in the bathroom, so I'll tie it together like this. Live and learn. I'm off to restock my supply of cleansers and scrubbies and TP before heading to work. I'll also pick up one of those Rubbermaid lidded bins so I don't ever have to do the creeping crab walk to the napkin dispenser again. And no, you don't want to know. 1:07:39 PM    comment []trackback []