The blender
The lack of input over here hasn't been for a lack of trying. I'm in one of those places where I'll type for an hour (and I type pretty fast), and in that time my entire mind and mood will change, leading me to trash the entry. That's not how I feel at all. That didn't come out right. That was baked in a too-hot oven; burned on the outside and gooey on the inside.

I've been bombarded lately with some different experiences and confusing, yet not entirely unwelcome, feelings. I'm up! I'm down! Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm getting a little restless, for I feel a complacency settling into my life. All my basic needs are taken care of; nice place to live, good job, decent health. No ongoing psycho-drama, not much dark energy. Not close to the best of everything, but sufficient. Adequate. I can see how people could coast to retirement age with little more going for them than what I have now.

And, in truth, I didn't think I'd make it this far. Over the past year and a half, I've been through the self-doubting "how could this have happened" phase, the self-pitying "must fix every defective aspect of myself to make it okay" phase, and the self-loathing "don't give a shit about anything" phase. There's a progression to this, but it's quite a rush when they occur simultaneously, as they sometimes do.

Yes, as I've already mentioned here, I had the therapy-go-round, and have been assured this is all quite normal. I'm normal. It bears repeating. I listen to things like Pat McGee Band's rendition of "Landslide" and sniffle at it because I feel the pain in the words. Then I counter it with something like Limp Bizkit's "My Way Or The Highway" for equilibrium's sake.

And I feel I've finally made it to that self-actualization phase, where you learn to love yourself, not feel so besieged, and similar new-agey empowering thoughts. I begin to understand this is all part of life's Grand Plan, to find myself in this particular place at this particular time. You can't start over, but you can start again. There are no restrictions.

No room for complacency there, unfortunately.

I'm looking at opportunities to go do something different. By that, I don't mean trading in the four-door green sedan for a red sport coupe. My ex is the one who had the midlife crisis, not me, and I'm pretty sure I can avoid that mess entirely. Though some of those new sport coupes look kinda nice...

I'm entertaining the possibility of joining a creative venture, one that will challenge me professionally, propel me beyond where I thought I could ever take my career. Can't talk about it much beyond that, because it's in a negotiation process and it's not me doing the negotiating. What I can talk about, obliquely, is the risk. I believe I'm cut out for what's intended for me, and certainly have a background worthy of consideration, but I'm unproven in that specific arena. That means I might fall on my face. Few successful people shy from taking a risk, though. Just trying to keep my wits about me and ensure it's not an unfounded risk. Yet I'm tempted, oh boy am I tempted.

I'm getting out and meeting people. People different than any I've known before, who are challenging me, in an unspoken way, to tap into long-neglected aspects of myself and release those things. I've spent most of the past 20 years (in the military before marriage) giving people what I thought they wanted. What I wanted has rarely, if ever, entered into the picture. I blame no one but myself for having become so sublime, and give myself credit for recognizing this of myself and challenging myself to pull away from that. I thought I was making some progress here. And while I believe I have, my recent encounters remind me I still have a little way to go. I'm a little out of my element. Time to catch up.

I want to be assertive... if that's okay with you??

Also bubbling up in this mix, the possibility of dating again. I'd not considered this much at all since I became "re-available." Aside from a little buddy-time with gal pals, not intended to be anything more than that, I've not pursued it. Didn't feel ready for it, and in ways I still don't, but I'm apparently not making up the schedule here. From somewhere off to the side, where I wasn't looking/expecting/prepared, someone's come into my life. And I'm quite taken with her. This feels a lot gidder to me than I expected it would, and I expect to evoke nothing close to reciprocal giddiness, but it still feels... it feels... aw, you know. Give me a break.

Even if nothing comes of it, I'm not worried. It's merely nice to know those parts of my soul weren't cauterized after all. I had many doubts. Of course, if something does come of it, I'm going to have to struggle to keep from going all Elvis Costello on you... starting out brittle and edgy, and becoming all sappy. 4:26:12 PM    comment []trackback []