Must... defeat... torpor...
You know, the longer I hibernate on here, the easier it gets. Log in here occasionally, tap the snooze button, roll over and get another couple weeks of sleep.

At least the last post didn't net me any nasty e-mail, or a cease-and-desist order. Depending on one's point of view, that's either a good thing or a bad thing. I've either become palatable, or boring. Or, I've been writing so infrequently lately that most are out of the habit of checking in. I'll merely assume I'm not rattling any cages, and therefore it's safe to continue.

I've been feeling better lately, though there's no specific cause I can point to, just as I couldn't identify any "big thing" causing the generalized depressive state I've been wintering with. I've been following a better diet (as opposed to 3 Musketeers bars and coffee), and my body seems to respond positively to honest-to-God nourishment. Maybe that's all it took. However, there's still about 25 surplus pounds worth of my body hanging around, and I need to get back to work on that. It was a novelty for me last summer when I put on my first pair of size 34 pants in a dozen years. And compared to the Michelin-Me I once was, I look downright svelte now, but I'm losing complacency with that image. Most of the people in my life now never knew me as a parade float, and so I don't hear that gushing "You look great!!" anymore. And, truth is, I don't. I'm not done yet. I no longer get winded walking up the stairs. I no longer have man-boobs. But I'm still Crisco-bellied.

I need more aerobic activities, and I know it. I walk for exercise, about 15 miles per week, but that doesn't get the pulse rate up. I HATE running, and really fucked up my feet and knees back when I used to do that. I developed what the podiatrist calls a pronated foot, which gives me an unbalanced gait and causes lots of problems. I have a bike that I could stand to ride more often, but I've found I take my life in my hands when I try to do that around motorists in Springfield. Driving it on a carrier up to the Norwottuck or one of the other bike trails around here is inconvenient. And things like kick-boxing and step-training don't look like fun to me, and if I'm to become dedicated to an activity that makes me sweat and ache, fun is essential. Sounds like I'm making a lot of excuses, doesn't it? Well, no, there are aerobically challenging things I like to do, besides sex, but they're just as unattainable for me at the moment. I need a plan.

However, I have been losing lots of "mental weight" lately. I've been trying to let go of some of the thirst for the things I likely will not have again, or will never obtain. But I discovered something interesting about myself while in the process of giving up. I'm way too passive, particularly about things I shouldn't be. I'm not ordinarily a pushover, but when something big comes up, when it's my turn at bat, I become all weak and deferential. I get wrapped up in a feeling of not believing anything good can happen to me right at the very moment when something potentially can.

Thus enlightened, I've been approaching some of these things with a different attitude, and suddenly have a few examples that it might be working. Don't write me off yet.

I'm off for California soon, to visit family and continue my recharge. It seems like a break coming at exactly the right time, a transition between gray winter and green spring, lethargy and activity, disinterest and ardency. I feel like I'm ready to pick up the feather. 11:54:37 AM    comment []trackback []