Addictions, obsessions and mental focus
Another "blackout period" on the ol' weblog. I have to consider why this keeps happening, and find it's more indicative of the way I'm living life these days than I'd care to admit.

As I've mentioned before, one of the reasons I started doing this a year ago was to force myself to take a frequent good look at myself. At the time I started the short-lived predecessor to this, I didn't have any sustained close friendships, and I've been removed from the remnants of my family for years. I had a lot to say, but not many to say it to.

One of the things I'd learned from reading others' online journals and weblogs is how common most of our desires, shortcomings and secrets turn out to be. By tapping into that community myself, I brought myself back down to earth and was able to put some perspective on my own Earth Shattering Events. By writing about them for my largely anonymous audience, I had to focus on me, think about me, and somehow articulate that which I chose to share. The blog was just another phase of my self-development work.

Over time, there came to be more reasons for me to do this, but that initial raison d'etre has never really left my thoughts.

Stands to reason, then, that the longish, unannounced silences are all a part of my chronicle. The common excuse behind all of them is that my attention gets overwhelmed by something (or occasionally someone) that has taken over, occupied a prominent place in my consciousness and crowded out all but my essential functioning.

At times like this, I'm not only not blogging. I'm often not returning phone calls, not balancing my checkbook, not replacing the burned out lamp in my refrigerator, not vacuuming, not responding to the jury summons, not watering my plants... and so on. I eat, I "sleep," I show up at work... and I obsess.

It's taken me until now to realize, this isn't good. It's a fairly recent behavioral pattern for me, and it's troubling. Becoming aware that I'm toting an unbalanced load... that something is absorbing too much of my psychic energy... was a struggle in itself.

What to do about it is positively daunting.

I've beat down a few addictions in my life, so I've learned that process of regaining self control, breaking the grip of external influences, eliminating harmful behaviors and substances. I also learned that the "addictive personality" is, in most cases, a cover-up. There's something deeper going on, something inside that we either don't recognize, don't want to look at, or want to drown out.

Conquering an addiction is not at all easy, but at least it's external. You can hold up a manifest "culprit," be it alcohol, drugs, sex, food, money... or even behaviors such as anger, abusiveness, recklessness. You have a clear cause and effect and can eliminate that which is doing you harm, sweat it out, and learn how to feel okay without it.

This isn't quite as cut and dried when the "culprit" is undefinable, a state of drive or being. Often as not, the cause isn't wholly behavioral, isn't wholly stimulated by external factors.

I feel I've been doing a great job reconciling my past and building for my future. For all the navel gazing I do, I like who I am now a lot more than the person I was a year, five years ago. But I'm not quite where I want to be. I have goals, and I'm eager to realize them. So when something comes along that seems to be a potential pathway to those goals, I jump right in. I let it consume me, overwhelm me.

In terms of outcome, this is counterproductive. In terms of self-esteem, it is destructive. And it's trying to tell me something about myself. What's going on with me here?

People I've met recently have come to describe me as "intense," and not in a flattering way. I think of myself as unassuming, down to earth, easygoing. People who know me well seem to validate that opinion. But the "snap" judgment consistently and repeatedly paints me as extreme. I can't ignore that any longer.

But does that mean I have to once again get all introspective and persistent, pick myself apart, break down the hidden motivations, force open the shielded parts of my ego? Because that seems, ahem, obsessive to me.

I should be grateful for where I am right now. If I were told my life, my situations, my relationships could never change from the state they're in right now, at this very moment, I could make do with that without too much hardship. But I would always want more. And the same would be true if I could realize my ideals. It's part of the human condition. Complacency kills. We're driven for more.

A while ago, I completed an ersatz profile that asked me to list those five things I could never do without. I said "love, freedom, peace, forgiveness, and a sense of belonging." One of the first deep questions I have to ask myself here is, did I really mean it?

By the way, I did balance my checkbook this morning. My balance is $0.63. That's not as dire as it sounds... I have reserves; cash on hand and overdraft protection and savings. There's no withdrawals outstanding. Plus, I'm paid tomorrow. But wow, another stark reminder that I've been fairly distant from reality lately.

It frightens me. 12:38:17 PM    comment []trackback []