Laughing My Ass Off!

Hair-Brained Humor

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 01:46:08 GMT

DEMS SHOCK AS KERRY'S HAIR SPLITS! - 01/23/2004 - The Democratic Party is in turmoil tonight after the shock announcement that Presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry's hair has split from the party and is to run as an independent ...

So I'm not the only one who thinks there is soemthing odd about that man's hair!

Operation Fruit Salad

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 01:41:36 GMT

President George W. Bush is said to be 'troubled' by the rash of gay marriages currently taking place in San Francisco, California. As a result he made a declaration today that the 'City of Love', as it came to be known in the sixties, is now a part of his 'Axis of Evil'. ...

Vice President Dick Cheney also stated "I firmly believe that the streets of San Francisco are paved with many natural resources and we will be able to arrange mutually beneficial trade agreements with them. I also look forward to sampling their fruits, of which I have heard the city has many different varieties. I love fruits of all kinds."

The Awful, Terrifying Gay Agenda!

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 22:42:47 GMT

A really cute little animation. :)

I love Ed Babinski

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 15:55:14 GMT

Well, not personally, since I've never met the guy, but he's just cool and smart and makes me laugh.

He's written a ton of stuff and has a ton of web pages. Maybe I'll be like him some day. Probably not as funny. He's got a page on Homosexuals, Sex and Religion. It's got some funny stuff. This is a hoot and a half:

The Religious Right dislikes both abortions and homosexuality.
But who has fewer abortions than gays?
—George Carlin (comedian)

Or get this:

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work.
"Hello, can't work today. Still queer."
—Robin Tyler

Concerning the Pope's claim that homosexuality is "unnatural". Perhaps the Pope is suggesting that it lies beyond the scope of "normal" human behavior. If so, this has uncomfortable implications for an association of old men who wear dresses, hear voices and practice ritual cannibalism. Self-enforced celibacy is all but unknown among other animal species. If any sexual behavior is out of tune with the natural world, it is surely that of the priesthood.
—George Monbiot, The Guardian, July 13, 2000

And it just goes on and on! You've gotta read this whole page—ROTFDyingHysterically!

Now here's a good graduation speech

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 05:35:12 GMT

Harkening back to my post on the Chris Hedges anti-war graduation speech, I came across this and thought, in contrast, what a great speech. This has to do with the theme of the day and with the students and would please me to hear on my big day! At first I fell for yet another in the eternal stream of phony Internet legends and believed it was delivered to a graduating class at MIT by Mr. Kurt Vonnegut, but in fact it was written by a very good newspaper columnist at the Chicago Tribune, Ms. Mary Schmich. It was never delivered, simply published as a would-be speech. Upon visiting the Tribune's site, I discovered that just today she's published another good column with some interesting commentary on the Janet Jackson breast fiasco. I don't really agree with her conclusion, although I didn't see the show, and didn't know that Janet cowered, but anyway, it's a good column. (I'm not sure about the recent one, but in order to see the older one you have to do a free registration deal.) Anyway, here's the graduation speech:

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young
Published June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 [oh boy, I just make it—I guess I'm officially old!] to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Eightheadz and his Eight Ball Magazine

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 23:03:56 GMT

I think perhaps I need some cultural diversity (*) in my blogging habits, so here's a start. This guy is a RIOT (no pun intended (click on the links and you'll see why I say that))! ROTFLMAO! I'm still trying to figure out if he's offensively heterosexist, but he seem to be fairly open-minded, so I'm giving him a chance. At any rate, his rantings on Dubya are hysterical (although he might resent (or at least claim to) the application of such a woman-oriented adjective, but tough shit for him)!
Here are a couple of examples of what he has to say about Dubya:
what the fuck is a compassionate conservative?
bush denies he is dyslexic. i believe him. he is an idiot. no need to offend dyslexics

I got to his site because I was trying to figure out what the hell is the deal with Matt Drudge and the "Drudge Report", since I'm always seeing references to it. I just went to the site for the first time, and it doesn't give a lot of information about what it is or what its point is (I hate that in a site). The impression I've gotten from when I've seen it referenced is that it's a conservative site, but I wanted to just see it for myself, and it doesn't actually seem to say anywhere, so I was doing a Google search, and I came across this Eightheadz guy's rant about Matt Drudge patronizing gay bars...

Note: Examples of the particularly suspect rants with regard to heterosexism: ads target gay domestic abuse and transsexual sergeant gets demoted for lacking a commanding presence. I mean, really there's no question that the viewpoints he espouses are heterosexist, and yet, he's funny, and witty; he does use critical thinking, and he's really not a blatant bigot. (I actually think he's personally not really a bigot at all—he's just not willing to totally disassociate from the heterosexist assumptions of his formative culture, at least not publicly.) He seems to represent a sort of fairly common semi-ignorant, semi-stereotypical, mostly-self-unexamined normative view of sexuality ("I don't really care what gays do...yeah, they should have rights and all...but man, just don't make me think about what they actually do...ewwww!—now two chicks going at it while I watch, that's another story!) ;) One way to think of it, at least he's giving press to these issues, and presenting a non-hateful-if-not-totally-enlightened viewpoint for many of his readers who might otherwise just wallow in a totally unexamined "man, fags are sick!!!" mentality. Anyway, that's my two cents.

You Say Deserter, I Say More Dessert... by Michael Moore

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 11:38:03 GMT

Watch a great little film clip of Michael Moore at a Clark rally in New Hampshire

Friends,

I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a "deserter." What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants. In fact, he shot a man in Tucson "just to watch him die."

Actually, what I meant to say up in New Hampshire last week was that "We're going to have Bush for dessert come November!" I'm always mixing up "dessert" and "desert" -- I'm sure many of you have that problem. ...

I just LOVE Michael Moore! ROTFLMAO!

Googlism

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 07:28:15 GMT

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything!

OK...let's see... (click here to see)

The Libertarians Are Coming! The Libertarians Are Coming!

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 06:53:43 GMT

Here's a funny site. A bunch of libertarians are making plans to invade and conquer the state of New Hampshire! Seriously, their goal is to get 20,000 libertarians to move to New Hampshire, which, according to their research is already one of the most libertarian states in the Union. An interesting idea. I wish we could convince all of the progressives to move to Northern California and everyone else to move out, so we could cecede from the Union and make our own little financially-powerful Netherlands-esque utopia headquartered in San Francisco. :o)

The State of the Union Address: The Version You Didn't Hear

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 04:35:32 GMT

The State of the Union Address: The Version You Didn't Hear
by The Angry Liberal

... Introduction: Ladies and Gentlemen: I can't believe I'm introducing this loser as the President of the United States!

Opening: My fellow Americans, the state of the union is strong. Not as strong as it was after the World Trade Center was attacked and I had to say it was stronger than ever, or as strong as it was in the nineties when most Americans had jobs, or in the eighties when Reagan was president and I was a drunk. But it is definitely stronger than it was during, say, that couple of hours in 1981 when Reagan was shot and Al Haig took over as president. Heck, he didn't have to get the Supreme Court involved! He just took over! What a guy!

Okay, here's the usual collection of distortions, mindless platitudes, and pie-in-the-sky proposals:

Job training: We need to prepare our unemployed for the jobs of the future. Therefore, I propose a series of measures called "Jobs for the 21st Century." After completing their job training, participants of this new program will receive a diploma and an airline ticket to India, where his or her new $3-per-hour job will be waiting. ...

My comments: Seriously though, here is some serious analysis and commentary on the SOTU speech:

A massive compendium of information from American Progress.

A lowdown on the upshots of Bush's fantasy reality for hard-working, much-worrying families.

Oh well, and there is this too, which is funny. Unfortunately I forget where it came from...

A good laugh: "Bush prefers Canadian Pretty boys"

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 20:45:51 GMT

[The Globe and Mail (Canada)]
Bush prefers our pretty boy to his pretty boy
January 16, 2004
By Jane Taber

OTTAWA -- This is the tale of the two Scotts -- one American, the other Canadian. One is dark-haired, the other blond. Both are 35 and both work for the most powerful men in their respective countries.

Scott McClellan is the press secretary to U.S. President George W. Bush; Scott Reid is the senior strategist to Prime Minister Paul Martin.

But, according to Mr. Bush, Mr. Martin has the prettier Scott. ...

My comments: What a trip. I discovered this while checking out this page, the author of which had this to say about the incident: "President Dickwad has the brain of a nine year old. ...I wish he wouldn't speak unless Condi writes the script." hehe It's a good site. I got to the BartCop site from BuzzFlash, another worthwhile site (if only there weren't so many and so little time in each day!!)

"The Gaytrix Reloaded" ;)

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 03:33:25 GMT

What's there to say... It's silly and funny. :)

Engineering Google Results to Make a Point

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 02:56:15 GMT

[New York Times: Technology]
Engineering Google Results to Make a Point
1/22/04
By Tom Mcnichol

"Google bombing," or manipulating search engines to produce political commentary, is becoming a group sport. ...

My comments: I never got a chance to comment on the "PS" added to the end of each day's worth of post regarding W. But of course it's part of the "miserable failure" Google project, plus I have several other links intending to link Bush's name to satire sites.

Sunday bad for Sabbath

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 08:24:48 GMT

[The Herald Sun]
Sunday bad for Sabbath
21 January 04

SUNDAY should be abandoned as the Sabbath because nobody wants to go to church at the weekend, a report by the Church of England said yesterday.

Most of the population would rather spend Sunday with their families or involved in sport, it said.

My comments: For more information on this report, see this article and this one.

Flush Shit-For-Brains!

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 08:16:48 GMT

Can we just put W on the Moon or Mars??

The Goddess sure has a sense of humor...or something!

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 03:32:12 GMT

A lovely photo essay on animal mating practices...

Ads that scare Karl Rove

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:56:05 GMT

MoveOn's contest to come up with the best Beat Bush ad campaign produces some fire-breathing doozies -- and the Democrats should pay attention.

See all 26 finalist ads here.

Blind, Deaf People Object To Being Compared To Bush Administration

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 12:35:45 GMT

BLIND, DEAF PEOPLE OBJECT TO BEING COMPARED TO BUSH ADMINISTRATION

Demand Apology From Paul O'Neill

After former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill likened President George W. Bush in his Cabinet meetings to a "blind man in a roomful of deaf people," representatives of the blind and the deaf demanded a prompt and total apology from the former administration official.

... For his part, President Bush today released a statement comparing himself to "rubber" and Mr. O'Neill to "glue."

Found Notes...

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 06:35:08 GMT

Makes you really want to make sure no strange thing you happen to scrawl down on a scrap of paper ends up blowing down the street or something!

Pretty Silly...

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 14:34:19 GMT

Pholph's Scrabble Generator

This is downright hilarious! Talk about helping your enemy!

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 14:13:06 GMT

I don't see how this could but help Howard Dean!

Oh no I'm dying! Bad me! Bad me!

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 13:05:35 GMT

I totally respect Steven Hawking, who is a brilliant physicist, and I really hope he doesn't find this offensive. But this is just too damn funny! I cannot believe the Pope does not think it would be best for him to "give up the ghost" and let someone more alive/alert take over! I take it as yet more proof of just how stupid both he and the Catholic Church hierarchy in general are!!

OPERATION LUNAR FREEDOM

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 12:29:09 GMT

Oh no! LOL

Bongo News has links to other satire sites...

French Troops Arrive in Congo, Surrender Imminent

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 12:09:23 GMT

I just love Bongo News. LOL

I admit that I don't have any idea what is going on the Congo (I didn't even know that anything in particular was going on there"longdash"I claim ignorance along with 99% of the US) or what the French are doing there or anything, nor do I really know the stereotypes, past events, etc. the jokes are based on, but nevertheless it's just hilarious!!

Here's another: Klu Klux Klan Targets Bongo News In The South

A little humor is good for us!

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 14:01:02 GMT

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. As Mary lay asleep, she heard, "Mary...Mary...." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex again, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."