Saturday, January 29, 2005

How do you talk with someone who keeps talking over you? First seek to understand, then seek to be understood. Steven Covey A young poet friend called to say hello today.  In our conversation, "trying to talk with welling meaning parents who won't hear you", came up.  How do you talk "with" someone who keeps talking over you? In my judgment, you can't talk "with" someone who does not want to listen.  You either have to wait until they want to listen or entice them to want to hear what you have to say. If a person is angry or otherwise experiencing strong emotions, then it is difficult, perhaps impossible, for them to hear you, let alone understand your point of view.  Sometimes, it is better to wait. Here are some strategies for being heard: Analyze why aren't you being heard -- so you can respond appropriately (see below for examples and specific strategies). Make sure you are not the problem - the one who is not listening or "one of the two" who is not hearing. Remember that it is difficult to outtalk someone who is not listening; if they are thinking of what they want to say; they are not hearing what you are saying.  Talking louder or faster is not going to make a difference. Make sure you are hearing them. Pause and then compose your thoughts and your words. Then speak.  The fewer the words required to get your message across, the more likely you can take advantages of short openings. Here are some general and non-threatening approaches to enticing someone to listen to you. 1st tier approach: gentle nudging and reminders You are explaining your point of view; they start talking over you, not allowing you to finish or ignoring what you have said Let them finish talking; there is no point in trying to talk to someone who is concentrating on their own words and feelings When there is a pause -- say: "I'm sorry, I had not finished, as I was saying ..." (pick up repeating the essence of your last point and continue on); If they have changed the point of the discussion and moved on to another point, it might be necessary to reestablish context. If this approach is not effective after a few tries, decide if it is worth it; if so move to the next tier. 2nd tier approach: establish that they want to hear your opinion You are explaining your point of view; they start talking over you, not allowing you to finish or ignoring what you have said Let them finish talking; there is no point in trying to talk to someone who is concentrating on their own words and feelings When there is a pause -- gently ask: Would you like to hear my thoughts/feelings/... about ...? If the answer is no: there is no point in saying anymore, other than, perhaps, simply "I disagree/ I see it differently/..." and move on. If the answer is yes: Start again at the point just before you were interrupted to reestablish context. Try to express your thoughts concisely and deliberately; then pause and allow them to  respond; no point in outrunning them If you are interrupted, repeat the process or move to a higher tier 3rd tier approach: let them know you are hearing them  (often people talk over you because they do not feel you have heard them) You are explaining your point of view; they start talking over you, not allowing you to finish or ignoring what you have said Let them finish talking; there is no point in trying to talk to someone who is concentrating on their own words and feelings When there is a pause --  declaring that you heard them is not convincing; rather, with no purpose other than to assure them you have heard them (this means no sarcasm, changing their tone, etc.), repeat in your words what you are hearing them say, if you can encapsulate their fears or other feelings, even better.  Likewise if you can capture their concern for you or the situation it is better yet (e.g.:  I know you are concerned that I will be hurt because ... their point). Often, hearing the words, they will refine what they are thinking and saying; if so repeat what you heard again, continuing until they feel you have heard that point and they are ready to move on. Then try the 1st or 2nd tier approach.  Each time you are talked over, try again 4th tier approach: write what you are hearing them say This is similar to the 3rd tier approach, except, write point for point what you are hearing them say, ideally where they can see the points written Often people are so caught in their feelings, that they don't really hear what they are saying or don't realize you have heard them Writing it so that they can see allows them to focus their attention and see for themselves not only that you heard them but allow them to hear themselves.  It also allows them to direct their feelings at the paper or the writing, not at you. Note:  I have actually had someone to angrily push their finger repeatedly into a flipchart declaring: "That's what I am trying to say! It is about time you heard me!" Then try the 1st or 2nd tier approach, the goal here is to try to establish a dialogue My poet friend's approach is to write a letter: "It is hard to talk back to a letter." he says. RhbNote: not all communication requires a dialog 5th tier: disengage from the conversation Clearly, how you do this depends on the situation and what is at stake.  Don't let pride cause you to do something foolish. If you are able to, the response is:  I value what you have to say, but I must follow my own judgmentjudgment If discussing it later is an option, try again later If it is not important: drop it If the conversation is truly important, get a professional to help; or get someone else to deliver your message   Some possibilities reasons you are not being heard or given a chance to express yourself: Habit, parents in particular are often use to expressing themselves and expecting their child to "listen and obey", a habit that can continue into their child's adulthood The first or second approach above might be effective They think by talking: Let them; be patient Try one of the above approaches Don't like what they are hearing: Acknowledge their feelings Try one of the above approaches Can't believe what they are hearing: Acknowledge their disbelief; try to ascertain it's roots; address the roots Try one of the above approaches Opinionated: many times people are so sure that they alone have the right idea, that they cannot here anyone else Strategy:  Plant seeds and let them germinate; try asking legitimate (not rhetorical) questions Try one of the above approaches It has become a contest Conflict is how we grow and learn to understand  each other; contest is where winning becomes more important than understanding It takes at least two to have a contest;  keep your cool.  If the discussion is not important - don't compete; if the discussion is important; then try one of the approaches above, trying to communicate - not to compete Strong feelings: Wait Acknowledge the feelings Try one of the above approaches being mindful and respectful of the feelings involved Like to here themselves talk: If the need to communicate is real, try one of the approaches above; otherwise walk away; or for fun: "Argue with rock!" Rudeness: Why bother  Rhb 11:33:31 PM    comment []

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