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At first I thought this slowdown was caused by the government spying on our gift purchases, or perhaps certain bytes had taken the week off and left their more loyal accomplices to take up the slack. At the very worse, it could have been caused by drug and alcohol abuse, although I couldn't remember how.
After a long detox though it occurred to me that the current flaccid state of the web could instead be blamed on the same trouble-makers who cause so many problems in today's society. No, I don't mean liberals - or even christians - the culprits are our children, without whom the world would be a much better place. Though without them we wouldn't have any problems at all because none of us would be here.
This same degradation of performance also seems to happen at Easter, Christmas, and during the summer which is also when all the college-age kids come home. Along with huge bags of dirty laundry, they bring the high-bandwidth habit which is quickely aquired from today's educational institutions. After months of wireless access to dedicated high-speed internet services, over which students have learned to share everything except body fluids, they find it impossible to tear themselves away from the digital nipple in spite of the fact that Dad only has a measly three-tenths of a byte per day DSL line shared with the entire county.
Note that one way to keep your kids from even coming home is to insist on using your old AOL acount through a phone modem. This may not prevent the more industrious under-grands from digging trenches across your lawn to the pole or building bizarre WiFi antennas out of old Pringles cans, but it may slow them down until the laundry is done.
Those of us who live in Hawaii though, can enjoy a convenient peculiarity of our planetary position. After about eight-thirty in the evening, inkernet traffic on the mainland begins to slack off as the kids transfer their attention to television or actually go to bed. From that time on we enjoy a window of internet opportunity until the sun again illuminates the land of the big wire and da' wiki-wiki stay pau. (translation available on request)
The only real solution - patience, never a real popular choice - requires that ya'll wait until the progeny migrates back to their regular place of access on campuses around the land. Until then you can always read a book, play games or even talk to those people that live with you. Just don't turn on the television, that's worse than drugs.
8:51:01 AM
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During these and many other holidays, folks mention to me that the internet seems to have slowed to a crawl. Compared to their usual experience the wait for sites to open or pages to draw has become noticeably glacial. 