Andy Borowitz: Next Week's News. The following is a forecast of next week's news, for the week of Monday, May 21:
Monday, May 21: President Bush will say that the American people agree with him on the NSA's wiretapping program, stating, "If they were having angry conversations about it, I would have heard them by now."
Tuesday, May 22: After planning the war in Iraq and running the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz will announce that he is "actively seeking" a new institution to fuck up. Mr. Wolfowitz will unveil a shortlist of fuckable entities including the International Monetary Fund, the Red Cross, and Belgium.
Wednesday, May 23: Responding to reports that iPods interfere with pacemakers, Apple will introduce a new mini device called the iPacemaker. Implanted directly into the chest cavity, the iPacemaker will enable the user to listen to music, play videos, and prevent cardiac arrhythmia. Only downside: unlike regular pacemakers, the iPacemaker needs to be recharged every seven minutes.
Thursday, May 24: Britain's Prince Harry will say that he wasn't afraid to go to Iraq, telling reporters, "Nothing I might see over there is as scary as Camilla."
Friday, May 25: In an official statement of remorse, David Hasselhoff will say, "I deeply regret giving my daughter that camcorder for her birthday."
Saturday, May 26: In a nationally televised debate, three out of the ten Republican candidates for president will say that they believe in the Easter Bunny. When asked by Fox's Brit Hume who would win in a hypothetical boxing match between Superman and God, all ten will say, "Ronald Reagan."
Sunday, May 27: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will issue this official statement: "I, for one, can't believe I haven't been shitcanned yet."
Comedian Andy Borowitz and Amy Sedaris star in "Next Week's News" this Thursday, May 24 at 8PM at Caroline's on Broadway. Special guests include Mike Birbiglia, Todd Barry, and Jon Fisch. Caroline's is at 1626 Broadway; box office is 212-757-4100. Tickets also available at www.Carolines.com or by calling Ticketweb at 866-468-7619.
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