Custody options in divorce. Q: What custody options are available to divorcing couples?
A: Without a doubt, the most common questions newly single parents ask have to do with child custody: where are the kids going to live, with whom, and how much time will they be able to spend with each parent. Two important terms are legal custody and physical custody. The parent with legal custody is the one who's legally responsible for making decisions about anything that affects the health, education and welfare of the children. The parent with physical custody is the one with whom the child lives. Unfortunately, too few fathers make a distinction between the legal and physical custody and, as a result, too many end up with an unfair settlement. Within the two broad categories of legal and physical custody, there are a variety of different alternatives. Here are the most common:
• Sole: One parent has complete physical and legal custody of the children. The non-custodial parent will have limited access, if any.
• Joint: This one is a real hodgepodge. Parents can have joint physical or joint legal custody, or both. Theoretically, the word ''joint'' means equal rights and responsibilities, but in most cases, children have a primary residence where they live more than half the time. And that's usually with mom.
• Alternating or divided: Kids switch back and forth between you and your ex, usually staying for a minimum of three or four months at a time. This option is pretty rare and probably works best if you and your ex live near each other so that the kids' school and social schedules don't get too disrupted.
• Split: One or more of the kids lives with you, the other(s) live with your ex. In addition, you'll probably have some kind of schedule giving each of you access to the child who doesn't live with you. Consider this option only if it's truly the only one that's best for your children. Separating your kids from each other just because you and your ex can't work things out like grown-ups is nothing less than cruel.
• Bird's nest: The kids stay put while you and your ex move in and out of the house. You and your ex will have to find someplace else to live when you're not in the house. Again, this is a pretty rare option. It takes a lot of cooperation and you'll need some clear ground rules (like meet your lovers someplace else). It can also be expensive -- the two of you will have to maintain a total of three residences.
• Other options: Serial custody gives primary legal and or physical custody to you or your ex for a certain number of years; then you switch. This may work if, for example, you decide you want your teenagers to live with the same-sex parent. But it's generally not a good idea because children need an ongoing relationship with both parents, not just one at a time. Third-party custody gives custody of your kids to someone other than you or their mother, such as the grandparents or one of your or your ex's siblings. This usually comes up only if a judge decides that you and your wife are incompetent, abusive, or a danger to the children.
• Combinations: Just about anything's possible: joint legal custody but sole physical, sole legal and 50/50 physical, and so on.
Armin Brott's most recent books are ''The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year, Second Edition'' and ''Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change.'' You can reach him through his Web site at www.mrdad.com.
Tampa & Clearwater Florida Divorce
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