Last night I had one of those dreams where everything seems familiar but strange, where time seems scrambled and you don't know if it's the past, present, or some dystopian future. I was in my car, and Culture Club was on my car radio, with pretty Boy George singing "Karma Chameleon". I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction...But then it seemed like one of those weird rap remixes because I thought I could hear a man in the background saying over and over something like "Do it, do it, do it to Julia! Do it to Julia!" There was a newspaper on the passenger seat and the headline said something like "Party Denies Rat-Caging Allegations".
Anyway, I'm in my car, driving...somewhere...the Ministry of Science and Culture? I was on my way to a press conference, I'm sure of that. Then, you know how it is in dreams, the scene changes, and there I am at the Ministry. A Mr. Meyerburger steps to the podium and begins fielding questions. This is what I heard.
Q. Sixty prominent scientists issued a report saying there is a well-established pattern of suppression and distortion of scientific findings by high-ranking Party appointees, and that these actions have consequences for human health, public safety, and community well-being. What is the Party doing to address this?
A. This malreport is a partisan attack, the work of conspiracy theorists. The Party has been proactive in challenging the work of scientists that appeared flawed to the Party.
Q. Why does the Party continue to deny the existence of global warming?
A. The Party does not question the existence of climate change. The reality of climate change does not imply a unique Party response. Regulations and incentives have ungood implications. The Party believes climate change is an issue that must be addressed by the world.*
At this point in the dream I couldn't tell if I was really dreaming or if I was awake. I tried to wake myself up from the dream but I couldn't. It was just like this movie I recently watched, Waking Life. Anyway, the questioning went on.
Q. Is the FDA pressuring scientists to alter their work for nonscientific reasons and provide misleading information to the public?
A. Information presented to the public by the FDA is FDA approved. FDA wants all its scientists to present FDA approved information when speaking to the public. The Union of Concerned Scientists is a known leftist organization.
Q. What are we to make of this web site on the failure to approve Plan B for over-the-counter use despite what the data showed, and what its own advisory committees recommended?
A. The recommendations of FDA advisory committees are advisory in nature.* FDA has put together a doubleplusgood website to answer all your questions about Plan B, currently classified as ungood by the FDA for over-the-counter use following sexcrime.
Q. Is there a larger pattern of the Party suppressing scientific information that clashes with political or religious views the Party favors?
A. The Party believes that science is about the search for knowledge and we should teach the debate and we can never have enough information about the world around us and we must keep gathering data and asking questions, even about the very definition of science itself.
Q. But isn't it true that federally-funded pregnancy resource centers, often affiliated with antiabortion religious groups, are incorrectly telling women that abortion increases the risk of breast cancer, infertility, and deep psychological trauma, meanwhile denying them vital health information?
A. This is a routine attack by shrill harpy leftist commie latte-sipping east-coast kneejerk baby-killing liberals that is nothing new. The Party agrees with* pregnancy counselors who tell women abortion, which results from sexcrime, will increase their risk of breast cancer and infertility.
Q. Is the Party allowing religious belief rather than science to influence its decision whether to make a cervical cancer vaccine available to poor girls?
A. You can't catch the virus, you have to go out and get it with sexcrime. Poor girls can prevent it by having the best public health method, and that's not having sexcrime. Making cancer vaccines readily available might actually encourage sexcrime. Then they will want abortions, which will increase their risk of breast cancer and infertility. Not that we mind if poor girls are infertile. They breed like flies.
Q. The Party's recent appointee to the No Child Left Out of Math Classes Task Force has devoted her career to proving that men are innately better at math than women. Doesn't this send exactly the wrong message for the Task Force?
A. The Party believes no child should be left out of math classes. The Party believes that male and female children should be given the kinds of math instruction that are appropriate to them, just as we do for white and nonwhite children, and rich and non-rich children.
Q. Doesn't all this signal not only the Party's general disdain for science, but hostility to women, their health issues, and career aspirations?
A. The Party venerates Womanhood most highly. The Party wishes to protect Woman by keeping Her safe from sexcrime, from the ugliness of a cruel and competitive business world, and from our vile enemies overseas. Sacred Woman, at home, nurturing our young - it makes the Party want to weep with joy. No further questions.
Text in dark blue is directly quoted from news articles or documents on web sites that are linked to within the question or answer containing the text. In some cases the link text itself is a direct quote from the linked source; these links are followed by an asterisk, "*". Thanks, of course, to George Orwell's"1984" and to the Newspeak language he created. A dictionary of Newspeak can be found here.