Because I feel I have lost my way here and don't know what I want to say.

(Translation: there's both really cruddy stuff and really awesome stuff going on in my life that I'm not yet able to share here).

Mostly, I'm just out enjoying life and I don't want to turn this blog into just another one where I tell you what I ate for dinner last night (Thai at Krung Thai) or a kiss-and-tell about my love (I'm totally in love and planning to get married in November -- although she doesn't want to be discussed on my weblog) or an expose on the emotional pain that continues to come from my ex-wife (oh, hell with it, I just need to write and vent and that's what you're gonna get today).

(Translation: I'm both a mess and am having fun discovering who I am. For nine years I didn't have any true friends. I didn't have much contact with family members -- today I have awesome friends who are interesting, fun, deep, and loyal and people I want to have in my life).

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I did wrong in the marriage and what I'd do differently in the next one. There was a lot that I did wrong, believe me. Not getting out earlier, for instance (I didn't have the balls, and I wanted to stick in it for my son Patrick's sake).

We stopped going on dates almost from our wedding day (later I found out that was because my ex-wife didn't like being with me -- you ever try being married to someone for nine years who doesn't like you? It's a bitch). That won't happen again and I'm making a committment to my new wife that I'll take her on regular dates -- at least once a week.

I tried to control my ex-wife too. I made her quit smoking. She promptly started up again after we separated. If I don't like something about my partner from now on, I'm gonna change myself or get out. Changing other people is too damn hard and it doesn't work.

I am going to stay connected with my own family more. I let my ex-wife ridicule my dad and my brothers. Well, there's a lot I don't like about my dad (or thought I didn't like). Guess what, he's my dad for better or for worse. When she was making fun of him, she was actually making fun of me. And I let her. I love my dad, and I'm sorry for letting her do that. I love my brothers too and didn't realize just what kind of wedge and what kinds of games she was playing. It's taken me nine months just to be able to see the damage she's done and it'll take years to clean it up.

Finally, I'm never going to lose sight of who I am. I'm going to have my friends over, and I will encourage her to have her friends and family over too.

Why am I writing all this personal stuff?

Well, for years now I haven't lived my life with integrity. I haven't been whole. I haven't been able to tell you everything about me (and still can't, although I'm getting a lot closer).

Today, I'm on the road to being whole. Being whole means sharing with the world who I am. I'm having a lot of trouble writing lately because I really didn't know who I was. My weblog a year ago was really an escape hatch for me. Some way to control a small part of my world.

I could control what I wrote.

That saved my life -- literally.

So, now that it's safe to rediscover myself, it's hard to write. Do I continue to write "old style" weblogs? Or, do I start a "new style" which more accurately shares who I am? Of course I know the right answer, I just am not ready yet. I need to live a little while first.

I also didn't want anyone to see inside myself. That I'm not perfect. That I sometimes make bad decisions. That sometimes I'm a real jerk. That sometimes I'd rather sit on a computer and write than deal with the human sewage that was around me (and in me).

I've been asking myself lately -- why do I write the weblog? What impells me to do it?

I think I've hit on the answer: write or die.

I'm not ready to die yet, so I'm going to keep writing.

But, first, I'm off this weekend to plan a wedding. You see, I'm in love. Deal with it.

My love doesn't want me to talk about her on my weblog. Well, sorry, I can't live my life without writing about her. She's simply the best thing that's ever happened to me and at some point I'll have the the right words to come and write here why she's so great. She saved my life and is helping me rebuild my spiritual and emotional self.

I'm so fortunate to have found such a great friend in such a great time of need.

Anyway, enough of this mushy emotional stuff. Go off and have a great weekend.