From Steve Martin's tribute to Paul Simon at last night's Kennedy Center Honors:

"It would be easy to stand here and talk about Paul Simon's intelligence and skill," Martin said, "but this is neither the time nor the place." He noted that Simon had had a long relationship with Art Garfunkel, "which unfortunately ended in an acrimonious split. We know about his relationship with Sony Records, which also ended in an acrimonious split." And then he began shuffling through his cue cards and tossing them aside, muttering, "Acrimonious split, acrimonious split, acrimonious split."

"I, however, have had a long relationship with Paul, but that's ending tonight."

He claimed that Simon had once called him to claim he had written a song called "47 Ways to Leave Your Lover," "and I said, 'Why not 50?'?"

"I can only think of 47," Simon allegedly replied.

Simon once apologized for interrupting Martin at home, the comedian claimed, one evening while he was cooking a chicken.

How are you preparing it, Simon allegedly asked.

"With parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." Bada-bing.

"I don't use the word 'genius' very often," Martin said, and stopped. "I just thought I'd mention that."

But seriously. He said Simon had given a great gift to America and all future generations, "but not my future generations because I've had a vasectomy." (Washington Post)