POSITION: Mum, Mom, Mama, Mother
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be
hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic
toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is
to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job
training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about
this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish
you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are
offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
7:31:15 AM 
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