There is so much on my mind that I need to write down. This is going to be an extremely long post, so bear with me please. I will go backwards from this afternoon til Friday night.

I went down to 2nd street today and met up with Derek. We had a very very long conversation about a few topics. First thing that came out of his mouth was "I'm moving." Mixed feelings here. I know he moves around quite a bit, so it's not as dramatic as you would think. I was initially really sad. He could tell from my expression. I'm sad because he's leaving the end of January to find somewhere else to live. I'm getting to know him more and more and I don't want this really great guy to up and leave. But, I must realize, this is his life. He feels the need to move and establish himself somewhere else but Southern California. That makes me happy for him; the fact that he is moving forward with his life and making progress. I'm still going to be sad. People keep leaving my life; dropping in and out like flies. We went back to the apartment and had a talk about Japan, college and moving out. He taught me the basics of Japanese and a few things. It was basically a question and answer session with him on the recieving end. I wanted to know why he left Florida for CMU and how it effected him. I asked him about majors and what made him pick CS and the such. I told him I was unhappy with what I was doing. He gave me a few suggestions. I wanted to pick his brain to the point where I knew everything, but that's just not possible. Next, we started talking about moving on your own. He knows what the situation is here at my house. I went into a little more detail about it. I told him I was scared shitless of leaving and I know staying here would not a a positive step in the right direction. I also felt that if I moved out and stayed here in Southern California, I would feel like I sold myself short, much like college. My parents were a big deciding factor in me not appling anywhere out of state. Now, that i'm in college, I feel like I was held back from a very large opportunity. So now, that I want to move out and start a new chapter in my life, staying here in California would feel like only starting half the chapter. I know I love California and I'm very scared to leave, but people do things that scare them on a daily basis. I want to approach this like a roller coaster: you're probably peeing your pants waiting in line for that ride, but at the end of it, you were extatic you did do it and you came out a stronger person for it. That's what I want to be. I want to be a bigger, stronger individual. I don't want to hold myself back from anything that I want to do anymore. I want to start my life as an adult. I don't want to live a sheltered life anymore. I'm looking through life through rose-colored glasses. I know it will be a troumatic experience. I haven't faced too many things that I'm scared of because, well, I'm not really scared of much. I think this is definatly something that needs to be done, for myself. For nearly 3 hours I talked to Derek about this. I can't thank him enough for sitting with me and listening. We're in the same boat, but then we're most definatly not. He's still young like I am and looking to get his life moving, but he's also graduated, moved 3 times, lived in Japan and looking to go back again for another year. He gives me insight from a close perspective. I am going to talk to him again. Maynard James Keenan says something on a live Tool album I was listening to in the car. He was talking about performing a song differently and looking at it from a new perspective. What he said moved me to the point of tears in the car. It was something that fit so perfect at that particular moment after talking to Derek. He said "...find a comfortable space, that's not only comfortable, but vulnerable, to just shut your eyes and go there, and we'll meet you on the other side."

Find a comfortable, vulnerable space, and we'll meet you on the other side. That is exactly what I need to do. I've found my vulnerable space. I need to shut my eyes and meet you on the other side.
8:11:24 PM  #  Speak to Me []