C just called again! I didn't think I'd get a call two days in a row from Hawaii. I'm thrilled whenever I get a call from him, and from Hawaii is just that much more cooler. I started that quazi-journal thing about what I want to talk about. It was supposted to be a list of things with a short description. But, it's literally transformed itself into journal entries. Maybe I'll just rip them out and send them so he can read them himself. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, but I'm definatly envious that he's in Hawaii. He definitely deserved this trip, but I feel I deserve a mini-vacation of sorts as well. School's over, work is nearly over, and half the time I felt like a steamroller plowed me down. I don't feel I need to make excuses to myself for a vacation; I just fucking want one and think it is completely justified. C was talking about renting mopeds with Jerry and taking trails and basically riding through the rain forest. I'm standing in my room as he's talking about this and I look around at what's going on: my schedule of classes laid out with tagged pages, random bills on my desk, 2 weeks of clothes on the floor, random sticky notes proclaming 'Pay this!' 'Buy that' and 'Don't forget about this.' I've said this a million times over; I want to stop, drop, and run away from my life for just a little while. I say, I proclaim, I whine about all these things I want to do, and I never do it. Everything sits in the back of my mind and collects dust. I should have gone to Coachella. I should have dropped my class way earlier. I want to move out. I need a new job. I don't do anything in my life and it pisses me the fuck off. It's like I step out of my body and look at what I'm doing. I become disgusted and angry. But then, I get sucked back into my body and get depressed at where I'm at, and let my life sit on the shelf. It's not even looking pretty like a doll or a picture. It's ugly and dirty, like the old LA Weeklies and mail on my dresser. When will I learn to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it?

This post went from insanly happy to utterly depressing in about 2.8 seconds.

Edit: I just realized something. I knew I have always been a lazy ass, but this is the most depressed I've ever been in my entire life, and I think it's because my dog isn't here anymore. I really think Rowdy helped me stay grounded and level. Since then, I can't fucking start to describe what's happened.
9:42:08 PM  #  Speak to Me []