fucking machines
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sex machines are everywhere

Last fall, Timothy Archibald's published a book on these unusual erotic inventions. A small group of "sex machines inventors" gathered at Portland for the signing of Timothy's book. It was somewhat of an event since all inventors could exchange notes. For the most part, they shared the same common feeling that they had invented the ultrawired metal pieces to please someone else.

Comments such as 'it saved my marriage' or "I've rediscovered sex' were heard in more than one ocassion. The book not only goes into detail about the machinery but also into the lives of the different artists/creators/inventors and their own not-so-hidden motivations. One of them, Allen Stein, invented the Thrillhammer Sex Chair, now on display at the New York Sex Museum.

Honestly, when we first read about it we could only picture an apparatus in the backroom of a Iraqui prison. The fact that Paul Gaertner created his devices transforming an old pasta machine did not make us feel any better. It freezed our sperm and made our balls flat. C'mn Paul, what were you thinking, for scraps' sake? Amassing dicks on white flour like ravioli? Pass me some prego, please...

Garage inventors and the like all gathered at the ceremony looking for clues. Most of the machines discussed in the book as well as those that were *studied* at the signing consisted on mechanical phalluses sticking out.

Yes, it is still very hard to replicate the gentle touch of a loving tongue... fortunately!
Link: avn

6:06:09 PM    

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Or the way of the robotic handjob.

The day has come.

You probably thought you wouldn't live long enough to experience it but if this video is of any indication there will soon be among us the robomatic geisha girls, and not made in China but Japan.

Granted, they are not as attractive as the ancient asian dolls that have provided entertainment and lighthearted company to men for thousands of years and one could also say that those curves are not nearly as appealing...  Furthermore, one could argue that a bunch of steel and wires will never, ever be able to replicate the delicate touch of the high class courtesans that tempted the men from Kyoto for centuries. Ahh... the delicate touch.

BUT, these minitaure robots can surely swing any oriental bamboo folding fan their claws are allowed to grab. And if they can *hand-le* that, they can surely *hand-le* all sorts of things including your horny pipe.

When the time comes just make sure to set the strength of the grip at around subminimum and completely eliminate the swivel action. Early human tests indicate that geisha bots have ways to go regarding their delicate touch. They have shown a tendency to squeeze, obliterate, pulverize, atomize. compress and demolish when unattended.

And yes, we heard rumors that some Yakuza guys and a few Sumo wrestlers loved it. (Ouch)
Sources: unidentified

8:35:28 PM    

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Dildos Are Making History

Prostitution may be the oldest profession in the world but dildos are beating the hell out of it in the time-space continuum. According to some recent BBC news a 20cm-long, 3cm-wide stone object, which is dated to be about 28,000 years old, was buried in the famous Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm in the Swabian Jura.

You got it.
The now infamous object happens to be a formidable dildo made out of stone. "The prehistoric "tool" was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone", noted the article. It continues: 'Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers, scientists report.'

"In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, it was also at times used for knapping flints," explained Professor Nicholas Conard, from the department of Early Prehistory and Quaternary Ecology, at Tübingen University.

Well, well, well. Professor Conard, care to explain what in the prehistoric world knapping flints means? A sexual ritual by which cavemen were hoping to entice their counterparts?  An obscure, divine technique for arousing cavegirls' clits? An ass-slapping motion for declaring victory after a dispute over a cavewoman's quaternary hymen? 

Professor Conard added "It's highly polished; it's clearly recognisable,"
You mean: it's been used by the entire tribe and nearby monkey-like relatives thousands of times.

The article went to say "Female representations with highly accentuated sexual attributes are very well documented at many sites, but male representations are very, very rare."

Current evidence indicates that the Swabian Jura of southwestern Germany was one of the central regions of cultural innovation after the arrival of modern humans in Europe some 40,000 years ago.  The Hohle Fels phallus will go on show at Blaubeuren prehistoric museum in an exhibition called Ice Art - Clearly Male.

Learn from the wise men of the past here.

12:26:37 AM    

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

So you think she is hot. And that she is hot for you.
Her look says it all.

Yes, that is what your are thinking. That she can't wait to have you inside and that her juices are running wild for your unrestrained horniness. Do us a favor and click that thumb, cowboy!

Surprise! She does not need you. In the era of erotic enlightnment Brittany Love has found ways to replace your infamous rod for a piece of scrap metal that bounces rythmically to her own desires. Faster? no problema. Slower and deeper? As you wish, m'am. Brute force pounding? Right away. Furthermore, she does not need to hear your gorilla-like moans and the best part of it, she does not have to clean your goo afterwards... 

AND she can cum any time she wants and as many times too. All without you. Go kick some boxes in the backroom while you can. And check this: the metal cock is ALSO wearing a condom. Just like you!

The story behind: Brittany has no problem getting all the real dick she could want. She will always prefer the cock of a real man but was still intrigued and puzzled by this fucking machine and its nasty mechanical appurtance. Could it get her off? Yes, it did, it fucked her pussy and asshole, although for her, one trial with the gizmo was enough to slake her curiosity.

Give her trouser pipe from now on. Even so, this is a jaw-dropping layout because it's so unusual. "When I use my dildo, I don't have a free hand to play with my breasts. But with this machine, I had both hands free so I could tug on my hard nipples and knead my titties. It felt good in my cookie and my ass. And, if I wanted, I could reach down and diddle my clit, too. I think every woman might want to try it once in her life.
Mmmh. We love "reality endorsements".  More about Brittany Love,  here and here.
Photo source: Scoreland March 2003 issue.

2:40:42 PM    

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