I've spent 24 hours of the last 36 hours in a train travelling to and back from a small town (approx. 200,000 population size - thats small by indian standards) in the state of Gujarat.   A 16 year old cousin met with her death in a road accident - she was on a two-wheeler, swerved to avoid a cow in the middle of the road and was crushed by an oncoming truck.  Really sad.

On the way there, we had thoughts about how utterly broken the parents and grandparents must be.  And feelings of inadequacy in offering words of comfort to them.  When we got there, expecting an air of gloom, we were completely engulfed by the warmth of the family - the comforters became the comforted.  Two words that struck us immediately - dignified and brave. 

This is a classic Indian Joint Family - man and wife, three sons and their wives and children. Individual quarters built for each of the sons and their families - yet under one roof with common kitchen, dining and washing areas. Provisions made to partition the home in case of rifts.  Thats the structure - but what really struck us were the relationships and interactions.  The grandparents are old, have been really hit badly by this - yet were always encouraging the younger ones to get on with life.  The sons going off to work - but dropping in almost every hour - silent support.  The daughters-in-law (including the mother who had lost her child 4 days ago) working cohesively and harmoniously - looking after so many guests - food, laundry etc - yet spending time with us sharing stories about the young girl, breaking into tears sometimes, one taking over when the other was distraught, at other times smiling and enthusiastically showing us the house they had just moved into a year ago, and buying local goodies for us to sample from the hawkers that came by the door.  The children too - lovingly tending garlanded photos of their cousin, never once letting the insence sticks or lamps go out.

Difficult to tell which was the mother or the father.  Difficult to tell she was the only child.  Yet each person an individual in their own right - we met many of them for the first time - and i find i can recall all their names and little things about each of them that made them so different from the other.  And each a dignified member of the family.

Made me really think of the Indian Joint Family System.  The power and wisdom.  The courage and tremendous support that this cohesive unit can bring.  The warmth that it can envelope you in.  

As a student of sociology, i've studied 'merits and demerits' of the system.  Studied with greater attention, the tensions and conflicts that can arise.  As a researcher, i've often discussed it with housewives in group discussions - and have heard these comments : 

"its a tremendous support - when you are unwell or need to go out or even get a job - you don't worry about your children being alone.  You know they are safe and in good hands.  We couldn't be so tension-free at this discussion otherwise"

"children learn to share everything - their joys and sorrows, their triumphs and failures, their toys, chocolates, books"

and from those not living in a joint family :

"although you like your freedom - sometimes i feel there's more freedom within the joint family. Sometimes you really miss not having people around.  Elders you can turn to for advice, others for support."

Until now i had never really felt it or experienced it first-hand myself.  And I have been guilty of deriding this 'idealistic' system many times.  But i realise now that i've always placed much more emphasis on the structure - perhaps because its more overtly observable - rather than on other ways of studying the family. It is the quality of interactions among family members, so downplayed as a real unit of analysis. 

And it is this bond that grows from common shared family experiences that we were witness to.  That has much more depth and goes well beyond the tensions and conflicts in "mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law" or "sister-inlaw vs another sister-in-law" themes and tussles that our media reflects through cinema, advertising and television serials.  Nor is it the stereotype with images of benevolent parents, brothers and sisters and their spouses and children displaying cloying affection towards each other and willing to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the family.