FIRST LOSER: UNCUT
Here, in it's entirety, is my non-existant-silver-medal winning entry to Frank's Permalink Contest
I replaced the white space that Frank removed from the my original entry and took the liberty of correcting a typo that was probably the real reason I didn't win. Free gratuitous link to the first person who can spot it:
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THE QUESTION
They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?
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"There's only one way to stop them. We'll create a super-virus, mixing DNA from Frank, Rumsfeld, and Ebola."
"You can't do that," said a suspiciously odiferous cabal-member, "what about the unknown environmental consequences?"
*SHLORP*- I ripped the heart from his chest, holding it in front of his eyes as it spurted patchouli. "Shut up, hippy spy."
"URK!" said the hippy.
"But won't this require a new government program to pay for treating all the infected working poor?" said an elderly, rotund, gin-blossomed man (whom I'd been eyeing suspiciously).
"Die, Commie!"
"Kennedy"
"Whatever."
“BLAM!” added my Frank J Memorial 1991 decisively, ending the argument.
“Anyway, we’ll use the labs at ImClone to put this together.”
“How will we make it in? We’re nearly out of ammo.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got inside connections. My mother-in-law is Martha Stewart. At least I think she is. Last time she visited, she alphabetized my silverware.”
“Alphabetized your…?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Anyway, enough chatter. Let’s roll.”
The virus worked as planned. Hippies and Commies died of strangulation-like symptoms, while monkeys everywhere bled to death out of their eyes.
… but somewhere in a dark cave… a voice… ”This round is yours, but I’ll be back.” *sip* “mmm… blended puppy.”
posted by Harvey at 8:03:21 PM permalink HOME
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