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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
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IMPROVING KERRY'S SITE
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
When I saw John Kerry's "I wanna be your president" web site,
my first thought was that there was some sort of hiccup in Google,
because, judging by the pictures, I'd been misdirected to some sort of Herman Munster fan page. But upon closer inspection, I decided it probably was Kerry. After that, I noticed how dull and drab it was. Definitely needed some spicing up. Here are some suggestions.
Get a comic strip - in order to boost traffic, an entertaining daily
feature would be helpful. Chris Muir does a great strip called "Day by Day".
Perhaps he could do one called "Flip by Flop", wherein he could
chronicle Kerry's zany adventures as he attempts to nuance his way out
of the corners he's constantly talking his way into.
He could sell some John Kerry action figures. (via Larry of Extreme Psychosis)
Some pictures of the Mekong Delta so he doesn't get confused next time he goes to Louisiana.
A prominent link to Democratic Underground, since he gets most of his material there anyway.
Images to help people visualize what his mandatory national service program would look like.
A fun quiz might be nice.
A list of his favorite things like:
Favorite Batman villain: Two Face
Favorite Chewing Gum: Doublemint
Favorite Star Trek Episode: Mirror, Mirror
Favorite Circus Freak: Chang & Eng Bunker
Favorite Simpsons characters: Sherri & Terri
Favorite Sitcom: The Patty Duke Show
Favorite part of a football game: the coin toss.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:24:24 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
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SCANDAL!
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Documents discovered in Iraq recently have uncovered the shocking discovery that hundreds the UN's Oil for Food program is rife with corruption.
Who could've guessed?
Ok, everybody, but as more documents are discovered and translated, we
can expect further revelations. I anticipate the following will soon
come to light:
Secret genetic experiments, most of which went horribly wrong.
DNA tests prove Jacques Chirac is Uday's real father.
The "mobile weapons labs" were actually carrying Saddam's secret supply of inflatable sheep. (SFW)
Video tapes proving that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers (Ok, I got that one from the Weekly World News).
Michael Moore's love letters to a camel with a Britney-Spears-shaped birthmark.
Naked pictures of Helen Thomas. (SFW)
Proof that the Iraqi Information Minister, Baghdad Bob, was the ghost-writer for "Bowling for Columbine."
Yellow legal pad covered with the words "Kerry '04" in Saddam's handwriting.
Proof that Russia, China, France and Germany conspired to award the
Miss Universe crown to Miss Iraq, despite the fact that the rules
clearly indicated that she should be disqualified for excessive back
hair.
Documents showing that, despite claims to the contary, Bill Clinton clearly knew what the meaning of the word "is" was.
A short e-mail from CNN: "Don't worry, we won't tell anyone."
Saddam's secret plan for acquittal at his upcoming trial:
1) practice golf swing
2) buy gloves 2 sizes too small
3) drive slow
Memo claiming that Saddam never had WMD's. There was merely a
translation error. What he said was that he had "a dreadful social
disease".
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:35:26 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
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THE 9/11 COMMISSION EXPLAINED
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Although it may resemble a free-for-all of partisan finger-pointing, the
9/11 Commission is actually a well-organized group of partisan
finger-pointers, who are tasked with investigating several specific areas of inquiry.
I quote these topics directly from the 9/11 Commission web site, and include their
preliminary recommendation for each area, which I obtained by pulling it out
of my ass via secret sources:
Al Qaeda and the Organization of the 9-11 Attack:
Recommendation: Pass a law requiring that, when terrorists stop at a titty bar for
their now-traditional last night of debauchery before carrying out
their plans, they be served only cyanide margaritas. These may be, but are
not required to be, 2-for-1 specials.
Intelligence Collection, Analysis, and Management (including oversight and resource allocation):
Recommendation:
The FBI and CIA must work together as a team. No more messing with each
other's letterheads to make them read "Fat Bloated Idiots" or "Childish
Ignoramous Asshats".
International Counterterrorism Policy, including states that harbor or
harbored terrorists, or offer or offered terrorists safe havens:
Recommendation:
The old policy of "give them money & hope they leave us alone" has
failed. Hopefully the new policy of "Nuke first, ask the glowing
wasteland questions later" will have better results.
Terrorist Financing:
Recommendation:
No more "zero down, no payments for 90 days" crap. From now on, all
terrorists are strictly "cash and carry". With all carrying being done
by stuffing their gooey remains in a 5-gallon bucket.
Border Security and Foreign Visitors:
Recommendation:
America no longer has the luxury of allowing suspicious people to cross
its borders with impunity. For maximum surveillance efficiency, all
borders will be continuously manned by bored, gossipy, small-town
housewives known as the Gladys Kravitz Brigade.
Law Enforcement and Intelligence Collection inside the United States:
Recommendation:
So that no detail is missed, all law enforcement and intelligence
information will be retained in a single centralized database.
Cyberdyne Systems expects SkyNet and its army of friendly, helpful
Hunter-Killer cyborgs to be on line before the end of the year.
Commercial Aviation and Transportation Security, including an Investigation into the Circumstances of the Four Hijackings:
Recommendation:
Before any passenger is allowed to board a plane, he will be asked the
foolproof terrorist-revealing question: "If you were a terrorist and I
asked you whether you were a terrorist, would you say "yes"?". If he
answers either "yes" or "no" then he's a terrorist and should be beaten
to a bloody pulp on the spot, since a normal American would respond
"What kind of stupid ass question is that? Get the f*** out of my way
before I miss my flight!"
The Immediate Response to the Attacks at the National, State, and Local levels, including issues of Continuity of Government:
Recommendation:
Nuke the moon... or at least the crescent moons on top of
mosques occupied by gun-wielding terrorists. Lather. Radiate. Repeat.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:20:14 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
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TAGLINES FOR AIR AMERICA
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
The premise is simple. If Rush Limbaugh can have success on talk radio
as a right-wing commentator, then there MUST be a crying need for left-wing talk radio, too, right?
Not even close, but when you're a lefty, facts are just annoying things
to be clubbed over the head with your emotions like so many baby seals.
You just gotta wish hard enough, and you'll get what you want.
But in addition to happy wishes, if you're going to succeed in this
business, you need a witty tagline to succinctly capture your essence.
Rush has "Excellence in Broadcasting", Fox News has "Fair and
Balanced". Air America has...
well, looking at their web site... nothing.
That's just sad. Here... let me help:
Finally, a network to the left of CNN
More spin than a helicopter rotor.
Where unfunny hack comedians got to die.
Of the ignorant, by the ignorant, for the ignorant.
The place to go when you're just too damn lazy to think for yourself.
Proving that just because you wear glasses doesn't mean you have intelligence.
As good a place to end our careers as we can hope for.
Proud member of the Axis of Drivel.
Almost as unbiased as Dan Rather.
No, this is NOT just the DNC's way of dodging McCain-Feingold, why do you ask?
Because "bullshitconspiracytheories.com" was already taken.
Not affiliated with John Kerry for President. At least on paper. Thank God for the Shredmaster 3000.
The one who will finally bring balance to The Force in accordance with prophecy.
Think of us as the audio version of the Democratic Underground.
Because seven networks and five cable news channels bashing Bush 24 hours a day JUST ISN'T ENOUGH!
NPR for dummies.
Check it out - we've even got a black guy. In your face, Limbaugh!
Coming soon to a tinfoil hat near you.
Like Rush without the drug addiction or the common sense.
Because Al Franken's mouth is too freakishly wide to appear on television.
More flaming assholes than the Preparation-H test labs.
Winner of the Jayson Blair "Credibilty in Media" Award.
Nearly as accurate as an Arthur Andersen audit.
Don't worry, we promise to go away as soon as the election is over.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 6:02:25 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, April 04, 2004
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FUNNER FACTS ABOUT TERRORISTS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
As noted at Alliance HQ, Frank J of IMAO
published several "Fun Facts About Terrorists" on a recent T-shirt.
Here are some of my contributions in the same vein, which will probably
wind up on a thong or teddy:
Terrorists often shout "Allah Akbar" just before attacking, which is Arabic for "I'm a dumbass"
Terrorists will often be seen wearing curly-toed, green felt shoes with bells, much like Christmas elves, except more explosive.
Terrorists are usually young men of Middle-Eastern descent, but not
always, so as a precaution you should randomly put your hand down
women's pants to check for C4.
Large groups of children make prime targets for terrorists. If you see
a large group of children, scatter them with a stink bomb for their own
good.
The best way to prevent terrorist attacks is by passing strongly worded
legislation. Please support the "Don't Blow People Up Act"
If you see a terrorist carrying a bomb, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it while saying "No! Bad!"
Some people think that reasoned discourse is the best way to deal with
terrorism. They are either French or stupid. Either way, ignore them.
On the off chance that the French are right, ship all terrorists to France for a good talking to.
When shipping terrorists, be sure to cut air holes in the container before covering the holes over with duct tape.
If the terrorist being shipped starts saying something like "Help! I
can't breathe!", don't be alarmed, because that's actually Arabic for
"I am happy to be going to France for a good talking to."
Not everyone who shouts "Die American Pigs!" is a terrorist. He might
be a commie, a hippy, or Al Franken. Shoot him anyway, just to be safe.
If there is someone on the wing of the airplane trying to wreck the engine, he is probably a gremlin, and not a terrorist. Don't shoot him unless you are William Shatner.
The following people are not actually terrorists: Alec Baldwin, Barbra
Streisand, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garofalo. If you see them, shoot
them anyway, because they're damned annoying.
If you're out of bullets, ship them to France.
Use extra duct tape.
Terrorists can often be found in folk bands shaking a wooden hoop ringed with tiny cymbals.
Wait... that's a tambourinist. Don't shoot him because you might run out of bullets, which you'll need if you see Michael Moore.
Poverty is the root cause of terrorism. If you see a poor person, shoot him.
Jews are often victimized by terrorists. If you see a Jew, shoot anyone standing next to him.
Buy a lot of stock in companies that make bullets.
Don't sell the stock, or you'll wind up in jail and Martha Stewart will make you her bitch.
John Kerry is not a terrorist. Don't shoot him, lest the Democrats replace him with a viable Presidential candidate.
Saddam Hussein is a terrorist, but he's been captured, so don't shoot him.
But if you do shoot at him and "accidentally" miss and hit his French lawyer... Hey, I didn't see ANYTHING.
Yasser Arafat isn't a terrorist. He's a... wait... yes he is. Have at him.
Not all terrorists are bad. Some of them are good.
For target practice.
Terrorists would prefer that John Kerry be elected President. If you
see someone voting for John Kerry... well, they're probably American
citizens and you're probably low on bullets, so just ship them to
France. But go easy on the duct tape.
Unless it's Alec Baldwin
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:33:48 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
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BENEFITS OF APPEASEMENT
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
When I first heard that our former allies, the Spanish, had chosen to
bend over and take the Vaseline-free loving of Muslim terrorists, I was
very surprised. But after thinking it over, I decided that there might
be some benefits for us if we followed them down Appeasement Street. If
we give up, roll over and pretend it's September 10th again, then...
Women will no longer have to worry whether their outfits clash with the
terror threat level color code of the day, since everything goes with
red.
Environmentalists will be happier, since we'll no longer be bombing precious endangered species of sand.
Employees at Jiffy Lube will no longer have to waste time asking you whether you want 10W-30 or blood for oil.
Since filthy hippies won't have to spend their days at protest marches,
normal Americans will once again be free to go outside without nose
plugs.
I'll finally be able to get my nail clippers through airport security.
And I won't have to take off my pretty pink high-heeled shoes.
What?
The millions of innocent Muslims currently being tortured in Bushiter's concentration camps will finally be freed.
Gucci will be able to make a fortune selling designer bomb belts.
John Kerry can stop worrying about terrorism and focus on winning the war in Vietnam.
Our troops will be safe from attacks, as long as they don't become civilians and get jobs in tall office buildings.
Dan Rather will get more of the attention he craves since he'll no
longer have to share the media spotlight with nattering warbloggers.
Once the kooks have been properly appeased they may, as Frank J muses, start using less explosive techniques on us. Like shaving naughty words on the backs of our heads.
We can be friends with the French again. At least for the five seconds
it will take them to find another reason to hate us, like the fact that
we don't speak their stupid, gibbery, monkey-language.
Friends with the French?... On second thought, let's just kill the terrorists and be done with it..
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:10:29 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
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KERRYS FIRST 100 DAYS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
John Kerry has a plan for America. In his first 100 days, John Kerry vows that he will:
Preserve endangered species by creating a Wildlife Refuge for interns in Africa.
Reduce America's dependence on foreign oil by banning Bikini Oil Wresting contests.
Require mandatory skiing lessons for all Secret Service sons of bitches.
Take Iraq reconstruction contracts away from Halliburton and give them to more qualified companies like Heinz.
Fight to ensure that all Americans can afford the drugs they need, and stop the out of control upward spiral of crack prices.
Prevent America from taking unilateral military action with it's 50 coalition partners, unless one of them is France.
Protect children from the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping our
nation by passing the "Only Kill Children With Knives Act".
Win the war against illiteracy by requiring subtitles on all SpongeBob SquarePants episodes.
Pick up those medals he threw over the fence.
Stop the spread of Mad Cow Disease by renaming it "Disgruntled Bovine Affliction".
Fight the AIDS epidemic by banning viruses.
Show his support for the Americans With Disabilities Act by hiring blind, quadriplegic Secret Service Agents.
And teaching those sons of bitches how to ski.
Fund more after school programs for children so they can develop
non-academic interests and skills, such as music, art, and pimpin' they
ho's.
Increase the safety of all Americans by requiring "CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE" warning labels on all terrorists.
Make college affordable to all who wish to attend by burning down the "too expensive" ones.
Stop the national crime epidemic by passing the "Make Crime Illegal Act".
Increase workplace safety by requiring all workers to wear cushy, inflatable "sumo suits"
Expand economic opportunities for women by making it legal to hire them for "non-girly" jobs.
Champion initiatives that ensure children are not forced to learn in overcrowded classrooms by shooting every third child.
Keep "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, but add the words "If that's ok with France" at the end.
Yes, with initiatives like these, John Kerry will, if elected, go down
in the history books as the best President the United States of Al
Qaeda ever had.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:27:33 PM permalink HOME
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