This is one of those posts that I'm not even sure I'll publish. I'm in one of those moods where I just want to pour it all out, but I'm not sure what will come out. Know what I mean? So I'm typing this in notepad (because it could take a while) and I'll see how I feel about it when I'm done.
I take myself and my writing too seriously sometimes. I know I do, but I do it anyway. I think I'd rather be in this passionate, intense mental space than reduce my thoughts, and writings to everyday small-talk. I don't do small-talk. I just don't see the point. Trouble is, I often take things too personally, or passionately, and end up biting someones head off for what they probably meant as a lighthearted remark. Or if I don't bite their head off, I bottle it up and stew.
I've been stewing about this site for a while now. I've been considering reducing it to a simple photo-blog and keeping my ramblings about more serious stuff to myself. I probably won't... but I've been considering it. Why? For the sake of my own mental health.
One of the reasons I started CoffeeWaffle, over three years ago now, was to force myself to come 'out of my shell' a bit. I have always been an intensely private person. When you were a child, did you ever try to picture your adult self? Wonder what you would be like when you were all grown up? Where you would be living, and what you would be doing. I did, often, and I always pictured myself as a hermit. Perhaps a lighthouse keeper, or some similar profession that meant living alone. I would have a dog, but no family around me. I never pictured myself married, or with children. I never imagined I'd be famous, or have heaps of friends. I would always see myself living on my own, a long way from 'civilisation', existing in a self-sufficient way, very rarely coming into contact with other people. That is the way I wanted it to be; that is what I hoped for as a child. Funny how things turn out a lot like we expect.
OK I'm not a lighthouse keeper but I'd still really like to be one. Its not that I'm antisocial, at least I don't think so. I don't dislike other people, I have just never craved their company. I don't get lonely, at least not in the way other people seem to. I recall times when I was a fisherman for a living, sitting alone in the wheelhouse while the rest of the crew slept, staring at the petrels and mollyhawks riding the wind behind the boat, imagining I was the only soul aboard, and thinking that if these birds were the only company I ever had, it would be enough. So starting a weblog with the intention of putting my personal thoughts on it for all the world to see, was really a way for me to challenge myself. It was a means to stretch my comfort zone so to speak. It took a while, but it has certainly done that (and will continue to as long as I'm up for it).
I am still learning to not take it too seriously though. My last post, for example, was a link to something that really touched me. It struck a resonating chord with me and I somehow assumed it would affect others in the same way. I felt for the author. When he wrote "My soul aches for the hurt of Earth" I knew exactly what he meant. When he asked, "I hug trees and I feel the spirits of wind and wave and air and rock. Am I crazy?", I felt an empathy as if they were my own words. That is why I posted that link. I thought others would feel the same way. When I posed the question "have you ever felt alienated by the culture you find yourself in?", I did so because I feel like that all the time and I honestly wonder if others do too. Then came the first comment. I felt like I was being laughed at. It blew me away. It shouldn't have, but it did. I felt naive. I felt stupid for thinking that everyone else would relate in the way I did. I reacted badly. Instead of just brushing it off, I searched desperately for a rebuttal. I spent time and energy stewing about it. I've spent the day with questions bouncing around my head like, "how can people be so unfeeling?", and "why can they not see what is so obvious to me?", and "am I out of touch with reality, or are they?". I've felt angry because someone had trampled on my illusion. I know I shouldn't. Now I'm kicking myself for taking it so seriously. I don't know why it surprised me so.
This is not the only time I've felt like this after writing about these subjects here. Recently a friend commented that I sounded like Chicken Little running to tell the king that the sky is falling, after I made a post about peak oil. This came from someone I know well and consider a good friend. Because I know them so well I should have realised that he was just having a lighthearted dig at me, and meant nothing by it. Again I reacted badly as if it was a personal attack, only realising after snapping back at him, that he was probably just winding me up in fun.
As a result, I have been wondering if I should just stop talking about these things. Just stick to the photography, then the comments will just be the "oh, thats lovely", or "beautiful", or "I must visit NZ sometime" type of comments. Just post a few stolen quotes and silly little "which super-hero are you" quiz links. Or maybe I should just turn off the comments altogether and pretend its just a personal dairy that no one else reads. But then I think of all the incredible friends I have made through this site, and realise they are why I still do this. They are what keeps me going. I don't want to tone down what I write, but I if I'm going to write in a public forum like this, if got to find a way of 'detaching' a little.
But I am afraid that if I do 'detach' from what I write, that somehow it will cease to be honest. In reality I'd like to write more about the environment, spirituality, human nature, war, peace, love, right and wrong... but this is a long road and I travel slowly. I am very guarded about my thoughts on these things, but as I said earlier, that is why I started on this road to begin with. I knew I would find this difficult, but I know it is good for my soul... in the long run.
I feel better already.
9:53:43 PM 
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