Today I called my favourite Auntie to have a long chat with her. I grew up raised by my father, and she is the closest thing to a mother I have. I talk with her frequently. Today I specifically wanted to talk with her about how to get out of the self pity negative feedback loop that I've been in. If anyone would know how to get out of that loop, it would be her.
This is because about 15 years ago she and my uncle had a really tough stretch of around 5 to 7 years...everything I have been through in the past four years pales in comparison.
For decades my aunt and uncle had been farmers and owned a farm along with an old friend of my uncle from his navy days. Let's call the friend Al; Al lived on the farm and was treated as one of the family. But around 15 years ago my aunt's two eldest daughters (who were by then adults) got up the courage to tell my aunt and uncle that Al had repeatedly and frequently molested them over a period spanning a decade.
So the partnership with Al dissolved...he refused to pay his share of the mortgage on the farm, and because my uncle couldn't afford the entire load, my aunt and uncle ended up declaring bankruptcy and lost the farm. I've probably got the exact economic details wrong here, but the upshot is that they ended up losing the farm after learning about what Al had been doing to their daughters. My aunt and uncle now live in a small town in a very small house on a little piece of land.
The year after that their favourite dog they ever owned died unexpectedly.
Then, a couple of years after that they hired a real estate lawyer because they wanted to buy an acreage and have a small farm again. The bank still had a lein on their assets, but the lawyer said "no problem, the bank can't seize new assets". Whereupon my aunt and uncle used their only savings to buy the acreage, which the bank promptly seized.
My uncle at that point was both suicidal and homicidal. My aunt had one of their sons come over and take all the hunting rifles out of the house, because my uncle was literally ready to go lawyer hunting. That lawyer is very, very lucky to be alive today. My uncle suffered from severe depression for many years after that.
So then they sued the lawyer, because his completely erroneous advice cost them a lot of money. The lawyer had the perk that he was represented by his bar association...as a defendent he didn't have to pay a penny towards his own defense, and his defense team had infinitely deep litigation pockets (very similar to the situation I am up against in my lawsuit). The lawsuit dragged on for four years.
About two years into their lawsuit their eldest son was killed in a snowmobile accident...he was giving a little kid a ride on his snowmobile and they had stopped at a country road to let a semi-truck pass. They figure the little kid accidentally hit the throttle, because the truck driver said they were stopped at the side of the road for some time as he approached, then suddenly accelerated right into his path. My cousin and the child were killed instantly.
As my aunt puts it, it seemed to her that her life had been a very contented and happy one for decades, and then suddenly disaster after disaster struck in a grim, seemingly unending progression. But 8 years after the last of it, she is out of the self pity loop, and just lives her life, happy and content to see each new day. She is the most gracefully dignified, selfless person I have ever met. She positively radiates it, and these days it would be almost unimaginable to picture her wallowing in self pity. She simply doesn't do it.
I asked her how she got over the self pity (because right after her son died, she did get very depressed, and admits that she did wallow in self pity for a while). She told me that she realized that to keep her own sanity, and to help my uncle keep his, she had to start looking at the things that were going right with her life...like the fact that new grandkids were being added to her family on an almost yearly basis, and the fact that she loved teaching music and was still able to do that. Plus her garden, and her knitting (yes, just like Absinthe, she kicks ass at knitting...her approach to knitting is completely different than mine, however, so it is interesting to see how two expert knitters can be so divergent in their approach to the art). And her beloved dogs, and her cat. And her friends. And above all her family...her kids are the most wonderful people I know. I feel utterly blessed that I am lucky enough to be blood relatives of these people, because friends like them would be hard to come by. They are the most uproariously hilarious, warm hearted, and loving people I know.
Which brings me to why it is great to be me; it is great to be me because I am blessed with an extended family that simply can't be beat. It is great to be me because I have a fantastic husband and a great marriage. Most people who fight lawsuits like mine end up divorced (but I can't recall offhand where I read the statistics about that). My husband is one of the funniest people I know. One of my brothers remarked upon this recently, and I told my brother that I married my husband because he makes me laugh. My brother thought that was an odd reason to marry someone, but I told him that if you really want to have a marriage that will last, it really, really helps to be married to someone with a sense of humor that can make you smile no matter what the situation. Good looks and libido almost always erode with time, but a sense of humor is forever.
It is great to be me because I have two great daughters who actually play sweetly together, despite the fact they are separated in age by 6 years. They almost never bicker. Both of them are exteremely loving, funny, polite, intelligent, and artistic. We have been having fun together at home this summer, going on luncheon picnics to various places around town when the weather isn't too hot. We have a kiddie pool set up and they have their swingset and sidewalk chalk and other outdoor toys, and they are enjoying the kind of unstructured summer fun that most people of my generation grew up with (but seems to be sadly lacking in today's hectic world). Time has slowed down to a sweet pace this summer.
It is great to be me because my husband and kids are healthy, and my health has improved dramatically in the past year. I lost 50 pounds, and my cholesterol when from 231 to 143 and my blood pressure dropped. I now enjoy an almost exclusively vegetarian diet (I was never really a big fan of meat to begin with). It is great to be me because I am able to run again. I totally suck at running (and always have), but I nevertheless love going on long 5 mile runs.
It is great to be me because I live in a big old historic Victorian house that allows me to express the perfectionistic and artistic portions of my personality as I carefully go through the process of doing my share to restore it to its former glory. For instance, exterior house painting is hot, dirty, and monotonous, but getting the chance to plan out a great color scheme and fix up split and rotted clapboards and trim is really fun (or at least I think so!). My artistic handiwork will be on display in the neighborhood for many years to come (as an aside, I've done two sides of the garage in the color scheme I picked out, and the neighbors and passers-by are raving over it...the garage has 8 colors on it (the house will have 9 to 12 because it has more detail elements) but people are hard pressed to count them all because the harmony of the color scheme appears to make it difficult for them to see past the sum of the parts). A professional painter working down the street stopped by the other day and told me that he loved my color scheme, and that he thought our house was going to be a jewel on the block once it is all done. My my...all this praise for my taste in Victorian house colors might go to my head! As an aside, I will be posting before and after photos of the exterior painting job on this blog as they come available.
It is great to be me because I am solvent and we have a reasonable cushion in our savings account. We have no credit card debt, and our cars have both been paid off in full. It is great to be me because I negotiated a fantastically low interest rate on our current mortgage, and our monthly payments are low enough that we can live on my husband's salary alone (with some care in budgeting).
It is great to be me because my cognitive rehab is going pretty well, all things considered. I have gotten enough of my math skills back that I can reasonably get by on a day-to-day basis. I am still pretty articulate, and my speech now only has minor problems that most people don't even appear to notice. My short-term memory is getting better all the time.
It is great to be me because I pursue artistic pursuits with wanton abandon. I have art supplies out the wazoo, and use them liberally. I also love to design knitwear, and I am blessed with a brain that allows me to do that almost effortlessly. It is great to be me because I have many hobbies and I am never bored.
It is great to be me because the events of the past four years have shown me who my true friends are. And boy, what a good lot of friends they are. I am unbelievably blessed to know such wonderful people who love me unconditionally.
It is great to be me because I own two great dogs. One is a loveable laid-back golden retriever, and the other is a shepherd-mix mutt that came to us as a stray...she is the smartest most loving and loyal dog I have ever owned. It gives me a warm fuzzy when I have been away from home for a couple of days and she is so excited to see me that she cries and her entire body is one big wag.
It is great to be me because I have this blog, where I can air my views about things that are important to me. It is great to be me becase I have not just accepted my fate and shuffled quietly off....I have chosen to tell my story and share my knowledge about the lawsuit process, and I am very gratified by the number of people that I know about who have been tangibly helped by this blog.
It is great to be me.
