EWM
- (September 2, 2005) A White House already reeling from a "God awful"
federal response to Hurricane Katrina, chaos in Iraq, and plummeting
poll numbers received another blow today when President Bush was
ordered to report to Montgomery, Alabama immediately to resume his
incomplete National Guard service.
The Guard, facing a crisis
of its own due to over-deployment and under-enlistment is scouring its
records to identify former guardsmen with dubious service histories so
they can be pressed back into duty. The move was necessitated when the
guard was asked to deploy massive aid to hurricane-stricken regions and
discovered that the "cupboard was bare."
Pentagon computer
experts identified prospects by doing a Google search on the terms,
"National Guard," "skipped requirements," "accomplished nothing" and
"left early." The President's name was said to be the first on the
search results.
Those recalled will receive certified letters
today notifying them to report immediately to the units from which they
bailed and will be enrolled into "Slacker Battalions." Although Bush
was identified as owing service to units in both Alabama and Texas,
Alabama received his recall rights after losing a coin flip.
U.S.
National Guard commander Brigadier General Morley Brassbuttons put an
optimistic spin on prospects that the Slacker Battalions will make a
contribution this time around. "Given the less than stellar records of
the recalled, our expectations are pretty low. That said, we believe
the Slacker Battalions can handle menial but necessary chores such as
emptying trash receptacles, washing dishes and scrubbing lavatories."
"But
this time there will be no deferments, transfers to work on political
campaigns, or early-outs to attend MBA school. As an incentive to
comply we've arranged for violators to be shipped to Abu Ghraib prison
wearing nothing but a garbage bag."
For his part, the
President is said to be relieved to get a break from the "hard work" of
being President, but was crestfallen when told that this time he will
not make his entrance in a flight suit under a "Mission Accomplished"
banner.
Meanwhile, as a contingency, Karl Rove is checking
General Brassbuttons' genealogy chart to find relatives with sensitive
secrets that could be leaked to the media.
The issue was not
discussed at this morning's press gaggle as White House Press Secretary
Scott McClellan showed up wearing earplugs, gagged and blindfolded.
Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.
EWM
- (September 2, 2005) 
