I haven't posted a damn thing in so fucking long. I have felt the most unmotivative in my entire life right now. Work is mundane; if there was only something a little interesting, I'd be more enthusiastic about waking up at 5:30 am every goddamn day. I don't want to do anything anymore. Not only do I not know what I want to do with my life, but I want to piss it away, in bed, with my laptop and a pair of headphones.

5:30 am: wake up
6:45 am: clocked in at work
2:30 pm: leave for school
4:45/6:45 pm: class ends

Bedtime varies between 9 pm (the "oh-my-fucking-god-don't-talk-to-me" migranes) and 10 pm. I'm still not used to working full time and taking 9 units. I wanted to take 12 but it would be very very hard for me to stay alive. I can hear someone shouting at me from downstairs. "Empty this dishwasher right now missy! You better get down here!" Motivation, where are you? Fuck no.

There's been lots of drama in my life lately. Attepts to fix things at the DMV, home life (a little insight, my mother screamed that my father was a fucking asshole to the entire neighborhood), money issues, etc. My grandfather's memorial is set for February 15th at the National Cemetery.

The more I think about it, I don't know how I'm ever going to move out. I'm a wreck; an emotional wreck. My mind is in 50 different places at any given time. I could work and work and work my ass off and be able to financially afford living on my own, but I would be my own downfall. Staying here is also hard on me. It's days like today that I wish someone here would take the time to listen to me and understand. I'm aware that both of my parents worked full time and went to school when they were 19, blah blah blah. That was their teenage years. It's time for them to listen to me. I don't feel comfortable talking to either one of my parents about anything. Granted, I am closer to my dad than mom, but he doesn't listen to a damn thing. It's like he tunes everything out unless it contains the words "music," "high school," or "Mary" (his band mom). Jason is great about listening to my petty problems and the such. He's going through just as much, if not more, stress than I am.

Every once in awhile, I just want to be selfish; just for a day. I want someone to cook my food, wash my clothes, pay my bills, clean my room and give me a bath. That's too much to ask anyone, at any time. I've got to find something, somewhere, that's going to motivate me to get off my ass and be happy about something. It's not that I'm not happy, because Lord knows I'm always spunky and laughing. It's at times like this, at night, when I start thinking and I need something to think about that will get me through until the next day.

The only things keeping me sane are Jason and this new found music. We went to Hot Hot Heat last weekend. Great show! We'll be seeing Supergrass, Rilo Kiley, Sleater Kinney, Ladytron, all coming up in the next month. On Thursday, my co-worker Nick invited me to a show he and his band will be playing at here at the Prospector. It's a bar but a.) they never check ID and b.) he's leaving the back door open for me. I'm really sad Jason moved all the way to Lomita. I'm sad only for the "me" reasons. He moved to save on rent and get his college loans paid for. I should be supportive. I'm sad because Lomita is 25 minutes away, across three freeways. I can't just pop over after school anymore. The condo with Mason is beautiful. It's in a great location. But, boo hoo, woe is me. Here's where that name anaylsis below comes into play.

I don't want to write about Jason right now. It's not that I don't want to. I need to be in a better frame of mind to say everything I want to say about him.
9:43:13 PM  #  Speak to Me []