A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (yes,

of Monty Python).

Letter to the Observer

Sunday January 26, 2003

The Observer

 

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for

bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so

am I! For some time now I've been really p1ssed off

with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the

street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who run the health food shop.

They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr

Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so

far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what

he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden.

That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask

me how I know; I just know - from very good sources -

that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have

leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act

first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why

don't I go to the police? But that's simply

ridiculous. The police will say that they need

evidence of a crime with which to charge my

neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and

quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive

strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be

finalising his plans to do terrible things to me,

while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent

range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to

keep the peace. But until recently that's been a

little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that

all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I

can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it; Mr Bush's carefully thought-out

policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about

international peace and security. The one certain way

to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers

targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim

countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage

and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll

teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and

stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know

before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty

man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even

if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much

justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and

children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's

long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by

eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.

It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you

ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all

terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But

then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's

committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones

you really want to eliminate, since most of the known

terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already

eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could

possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be

sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim

fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims

might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really

safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all

Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel

are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of

other people in the street who I don't like and who -

quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be

really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife

says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm

simply using the same logic as the President of the

United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if

that's a good enough reason for the President, it's

good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street

two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and

hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,

galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist

masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely

and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the

entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing

- and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy

will destroy only one street.

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1:35:57 PM