Friday, May 23, 2003

Strange reaction to ordering (and to not ordering) For the second time recently, once I placed a big order for art supplies, my "on" switch seemed to work again. This afternoon, I went ahead and ordered 20 small stretched canvases, 20 small illustration board panels, samples of other supports for paintings and collages, various mats to help visualize the framed work, etc. I've been fooling around with this order for a long time - three weeks? Have had the list ready or close to ready for about a week. Began to have cold feet about going in this direction, spending the money, etc. This morning my switch just seemed to be turned off, once I got to the studio. I dragged around. Finally got into a little sumi ink painting but that was it. Anxiety was very high. After lunch I washed my hair and then placed my Dick Blick order. Right away, I was turned on again. With a sense of effortlessness, I slid into doing one thing after another in the clean studio. Things that have been on my lists or nets for a week or two got done, and with pleasure. This seems to be a real pattern: (1) period of drag and doubt, (2) place order, (3) turn on and joyful action. I guess it has to do with trusting my hands (which want what I'm ordering) and giving myself freedom to make whatever I want to make. I wonder if anyone else notices this pattern in themselves. It would be great if I could just skip the period of drag and doubt. Why not try that next time? 10:36:36 PM    comment []

More on focus - and fear of mistakes Here's another dialogue with my 80-year-old self, who flourishes in my Dream Studio: Cathy (C): I'm bogging down - worried that I'm trying to do too many things at once. Even doing both paper and iron seems too big a challenge sometimes. So doing paintings and collages may be way too much. Plus I'm on the verge of - OK, here's my problem, I think. I'm on the verge of too much and I'm scared. I'm on the verge of: starting a bunch of bowls I don't know much about ordering a lot of painting and collage supports Well, I guess that's it. I just don't know what's too much. I used to know that 4 bowls at a time was my maximum. Now I'm not sure. So - how many pieces do you work on at a time? Older Cathy (OC): It depends on the complexity. Remember, you used to do cards 20 at a time. If you can do 20 in an hour or two, why not? So you don't know how many small paintings and collages you might want to do at once. What's wrong with just finding out by doing it? C: Because when I do take on too many, I get unhappy and stuck. Seems as if sometimes I just gave up and started over. OC: So? You lived! C: Well, I don't want to make a mistake. (Silence) OC: Look at it another way. If you were deliberately wild and foolish, determined to make a dumb mistake, what would you do next? C: That's easy. I'd do the Dick Blick order - and I'd go ahead and drill the ring bases - and I'd cut out as many bases and iron bowls as I felt like cutting out - I'd drill the CM3 base - I'd pack up stuff and move it out of the Nest, probably in boxes I already have - maybe get some bubble wrap for the glass molds. I guess that's it! OC: Well, you're all set then. Go! C: Oh. OK. 10:28:04 PM    comment []