I just chatted with an old coworker for a few minutes and it reminded me how much I miss those peeps. A bunch. A bunch. I know logically that it takes years to establish real relationships and that it's not fair for me to compare 4 months to 4 years, but I think I just realized how much this is the cause of the disturbance in my life right now. I'm in constant-search of filling up that hole. The fact that I lack patience for this as being part of life doesn't assist the feelings.
I want so much in my life to be able to trust people. To believe that their words are at least true to them at the moment they are saying them. That their intentions are good and honest. That they want to like and be liked, but don't let that desire cause false-ness.
To remain child-like is difficult. I'm not sure our society supports it. Just thinking of all the reasons to not to gives me wrinkles.
So, since my meditation on Tuesday, I've been thinking a lot about Buddhism. Mainly on trying to decide if I can accept the idea of letting go of the clinging to "self" as "self" and attachment to others. I can agree that it's easier to not hurt if one can release ego and not grasp to others. Losing suffering, however, you also lose the highs. The love. The joy of shared experience. In trade, you get to see the bigger picture easier. You seek utlimate happiness and helping others find that. Am I okay with that? I just don't know. What I WANT is to have my emotions remain as logical as my thoughts. To really accept it when I think "this thing happening that's making me unhappy is not a reflection of me, who I am, nor is it important in the grand scheme of things. just love, be empathetic and remain who you are." Instead, right now, I hear that. And then at the same time I think, "they must be acting that way because i'm lacking in [insert trait i consider lacking]. what should I do to change that." That's a horrible way to think! Normally the two things meet in the middle and I remain there...not great, not horrible.
9:59:44 AM 
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