Friday, April 09, 2004
EVIL GLENN'S EASTER
(A FILTHY LIE)
So I went to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon on Good Friday night to soak up a little atmosphere at the comment party. Carefully drying the unmentionable fluids from a nearby chair, I plunked down next to Matty O'Blackfive.
Harv: Hey Matty. Staying sober tonight?
Matty: Don't blaspheme. And I don't know what you're talking about. I've already put away two cases.
Harv: Then how come the table's not covered with beer bottles?
Matty: Oh… that... Tiffany & LeeAnn took 'em into the Champagne Room. They're having a bottle-stacking contest with some of the other Corner of the Bar Babes.
Harv: Hmmm... No hands?
Harv: Spy-cam & VCR running?
Matty: Of course.
Harv: That was Mike the Marine's cue to shout "Brilliant!" Where the hell is he?
Matty: He's in Iraq doing a little mopping up around Fallujah.
Harv: I hope he's ok.
Matty: I think he can handle himself...
...Meanwhile in Iraq...
Mad Mohammed [swinging a scimitar around in fearsome circles]: ululululululululululu!
Mike the Marine [rolling eyes & drawing Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*
Mad Mohammed [gazing with surprise at the empty hole previously occupied by his midsection]: URK! *WHUMP!*
Harv: Yeah, I suppose you're right. So... what are you doing for Easter?
Matty: I'm taking Little Blackfive to his first Easter Egg hunt.
Harv: So you brought him here to get a little practice?
Matty: Sure. Wouldn't want him to get shown up by those little hippy brats in day care.
Harv: True, but do you think it was a good idea to let Goldie help with the training?
Goldie: Hey Little Blackfive, I've got 3 Easter eggs hidden in a secret place. Wanna try to find 'em?
Matty: Maybe he IS a little young for that. Come here Little Blackfive!
Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY! The nice lady was going to show me her "special Easter basket"!
Matty: Yeah, *ahem* well, why don't you come here anyway. I've got some jelly beans for ya.
Little Blackfive: Yay! Jelly Beans!
Harv: Maybe you should've left him alone. He's got to learn about
"Easter baskets" somewhere, and Goldie's a mighty fine place to start...
Matty: What? Are you nuts? Mrs. Blackfive would kill me! I already had to promise her two hours of alphabet time
just to get her to let me bring the boy with me tonight. If I brought
him home with an "education", she'd probably make me wear the French
Maid costume, too!
Harv: You do look quite fetching in that...
Matty: Shut up!
Little Blackfive: Daddy, these jelly beans taste like poo-poo!
Matty: Little Blackfive! Such horrible language! What did daddy teach you to say?
Little Blackfive: Sorry. These jellybeans taste like fresh shit out of a mangy dog's ass.
Matty: That's my little Drill
Sergeant! Hmmm... let me try one... *chew, chew*... *spitooie!*
GAH! It's like a combination of brussel sprouts & vomit! Try one.
Harv: *chew, chew*... *spitooie!* YEESH! Actually it was more like a Budweiser flavor, but still... BLECCH!
Matty: Let me see that jelly bean bag... AHA! Just as I thought! Radio tower with lighting bolts emblem and "a product of Evil Glenn Industries". Looks like that bastard Reynolds is out to ruin yet another holiday. Damn, and I still haven't recovered from that St. Patrick's Day adventure.
Harv: Maybe because you've been drinking continuously between then and now?
Matty: That's beside the point. Now... we're gonna need some help.
Harv: Yeah. I wish Mike were here. He's got a talent for tricky assignments.
... Meanwhile in Iraq...
Annoying Ahmed: Filthy Yankee pig
dog! There is but a single pistol equidistant from both of us. Whoever
gets it will kill the other.
Mike: Tell ya what, camel-humper, I'll roshambo you for it.
Annoying Ahmed: What's that?
Mike: Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the gun.
Annoying Ahmed: Well... ok.
Annoying Ahmed: AIEEEEEE! *WHUMP!*
Mike [rolling eyes and picking up Desert Eagle]: Geez! Hasn't ANYONE in this stupid country seen South Park? *BLAM!*
Harv: Anyway, how about Dana?
Matty: Nah, she's a little too pregnant for this one.
Harv: Yeah, but she's got really perky nipples.
Matty: Hmmm… yeah… uh, No! Too dangerous. How about Susie?
Harv: She's kinda busy rounding up that new popcorn popper for the theater...
...Meanwhile in Indiana...
Susie [on the phone]: Ok, I'll give you $200 and "the Reddi-Wip experience", but NO spanking!
Matty: What about Heather? She's good muscle.
Harv: Nope, she's still doing that photo-shoot for the Car & Driver "Bent Over Babes" issue.
Matty: Hmmm… Goldie?
Goldie: Did someone call me?
Harv: Yeah, we need you to help us with a mission.
Goldie: Great! I love that position!
Matty: That's not what he meant!
Matty: No time for that now. Goldie, just come with us.
Goldie: Maybe even before & after, too *giggle*
Harv: Maybe. To the Drunkmobile!
Matty: To the Drunkmobile!
Goldie: To drunks in high heels!
Matty: ...Are you sure about this, Harv?
Harv: Trust me.
Matty: Ok... wait... Who's going to watch Little Blackfive.
Harv: Oh, I think the Bartender can handle it...
Bartender: Why did the horse cross the road?
Little Blackfive: Because the chicken needed a day off.
Bartender: Good! Now say "Harvey is a Shpxurnq!!1!"
... We sped through the night, quickly arriving at our destination...
Matty: The Evil Glenn Industries Jelly Bean Factory. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Harv: Can you please quote something from this century?
Matty: ... Wazzzzzuuuuup?
Harv: Nevermind. Goldie, come with us.
Goldie: Yes I have. Mmmm.... You military guys really know how to stand and salute!
Matty: Paratroopers always dive right in.
Harv: And sailors like to ride anything wet. Let's get moving...
...We strolled relatively unimpeded through the poorly guarded factory,
pausing only for Goldie to make suggestive remarks about any object
that was even vaguely phallic. Since this basically included everything
that was taller than it was wide, it made for slow going. Nevertheless,
we soon arrived at a door marked "Evil Glenn's Private Secret Inner
Sanctum and Puppy Blending Emporium" which Matty kicked in
Matty: All right, Evil Glenn, the jig is up!
Harv: Surrender or die!
Goldie: I want to have sex with you!
Matty & Harv [turning to stare at Goldie]: Wha?
Goldie [blushing]: Sorry, force of habit *giggle*
Evil Glenn: Whatever. You're too late to stop me. I've already made Al Franken a talk radio star! MUAHAHAHA!
Matty: Um... Actually, we were here about the jelly beans?
Evil Glenn: Oh... that... yes... well... you're too late for that, too.
Now leave me alone. I've got a Shi-tzu coagulating in the Oster.
Matty: Look, my kid almost died from eating one of your crappy jelly beans. We're here to put a stop to your vile activities.
Harv: Yeah! What he said! And what the hell did you put
in those jelly beans, anyway? I haven't had such a bad taste in my
mouth since that time I accidentally grabbed a Miller Light while
reaching for my Guinness. I had to chug the spittoon to clear my palate
after that one.
Evil Glenn: Haggis.
Harv: EWWWWW! But why?
Evil Glenn: All part of my latest sinister plot to destroy a precious
national holiday. You see I've recently come across the concept of Earth Dinner.
A vile project promoted by filthy hippies to get people to eat dirt and
weeds while spreading lies about global warming and acid rain. Those
atrocious jelly beans will make people hate Easter, so they'll start
celebrating the next closest holiday, which is Dirt Day.
Matty: Earth Day.
Evil Glenn: Whatever. Anyway, Evil Glenn Industries has already
purchased huge soy and tofu production facilities to take advantage of
the soon-to-be-increasing demand. I'll make MILLIONS!
Matty: No you won't, because we're going to stop you!
Harv: Ummm… hold that thought, Matty… Did you say… millions?
Evil Glenn: Yup.
Harv: ...and this Evil Glenn Industries… looking for investors, by any chance?
Evil Glenn: Ground floor possibilities exist, yes.
Matty: Dammit, Harv! Snap out of it! He's EVIL!
Harv [dreamily]: … millions of dollars…
Matty: Harv, he's out to destroy an entire national holiday. Think about the children!
Harv: YOU think about the children. I'm thinking about the rubbing
piles of ill-gotten greenbacks all over my sweaty, naked body. Besides
I hate children.
Matty: Harv, I know, and that's what I'm talking
about. If Glenn destroys Easter, think about the children… the whiny,
irritable, children who want candy but can't get it. Everywhere you go,
hordes of bitchy little crumb-crunchers, going "WAAH! WAAH! I want
candy! I want candy! Gimme candy! WAAH! WAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Harv: Good point. All right, Evil Glenn, prepare to be thwarted!
Evil Glenn: So you guys remembered to bring a gun this time?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm. Heh. Indeed. Now run along, little incompetents, I have cruelty to inflict.
Matty: Harv, I thought YOU brought the gun?
Harv: Well, I set it on the table when I came into the bar, but it wasn't there when we left, so I thought YOU grabbed it.
… Meanwhile at Madfish Willie's…
*BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!] *BLAM* [crshh!]
Little Blackfive: Whee! That was fun Mr. Bartender! More! More!
Bartender: Heh. Sure, ya little scamp. You're almost as good at "shotglass skeet" as your old man.
Matty: I guess we're doomed.
Harv: Since we're doomed anyway, maybe we should buy a few shares of…
Matty: SHUT! UP!
Goldie: Oh YOOOO-HOOOO! Mr. Reyyyy-nolds!
… We turned to look and saw Goldie dressed in a provocative skin-tight spandex penguin costume…
Evil Glenn: *drool* mmm… live action penguin porn…
Goldie [whispering]: Wait for me in the Drunkmobile. I'll handle this…
Harv: Can we watch?
Matty: *WHACK!* C'mon. Let the girl work.
Harv: OW! Maybe we could videotape...
… 10 minutes later, Goldie joined us in the car.
Goldie: Here, Harv. Catch [throwing remote-contol-like object]
Harv: What's this?
Goldie [coyly]: Push the button & find out.
Harv: Ok [*push*]
Matty: Huh. Remote control self-destruct for the jelly bean factory. How convenient.
Harv: Standard Evil Overlord stuff. But still, the hang-time for the debris is pretty impressive.
Matty: So, Goldie, what happened in there?
Goldie: A little teasing, a little bondage, a little leaving him
handcuffed to the bed screaming in terror as I walked off with the
Harv: You mean you didn't take advantage of him first?
Goldie: EWWW! He's a LAWYER! I don't mate outside my species!
Matty: So… looks like this is the end of Evil Glenn. There's no way he escaped that blast. Let's get back to the bar…
Evil Glenn [crawling out from under a pile of rubble]: I am SO in love with that woman!
Matty: Dammit, Little Blackfive! You untie the Bartender from that ceiling fan right this instant!
Little Blackfive: But DADDYYYYY!…
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 6:07:25 PM permalink HOME
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Last update: 9/10/2005; 4:40:49 PM.