Tuesday, February 10, 2004

AL QAEDA RECRUITING (A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT) Somewhere in the dusty, rock-strewn desert of Afghanistan, Ahmed sits in a ragged tent, processing new Al Qaeda recruits… Ahmed: Next! Mohammed: I am Mohammed. Ahmed: Geez, ANOTHER one? This is a beautiful land full of a proud and wise people. Why the HELL can't we name our children something besides freakin' MOHAMMED? What's wrong with Frank or Matt or Josh? I swear by Allah that if I have to write "Mohammed" on one more form I'll shove a scimitar up my own ass just to end the pain!… But enough of my troubles. What brings you here, dear friend? Mohammed: I saw your ad for new Al Qaeda recruits laying in the camel-dung outside my hovel, and I am eager to lend my support for this noble cause. Such stirring words you have written!: "Wanted: Brave and intrepid soldiers to wage holy war on infidel American Satan-dogs. Help drive this cursed blemish from our sacred lands. Rewards are great, risks are small, and even if you die… Hey! 72 virgins! Let's hear a big WHOO-HOO for Allah!" Ahmed: Yes, well... you have to understand... that was written some time ago, and certain… circumstances… have changed. Mohammed: You mean we are no longer battling the blight of the kufr oppressors? Ahmed: Oh, no, we are still battling. It's just that, well… ever since the victories… uh, TEMPORARY victories of the Americans in Iraq, we've had to make certain… er… cutbacks. Mohammed: Cutbacks? I don't understand. Ahmed: Well, with Saddam out of the picture, we've lost a major source of funding for training and equipment. Even the Saudi princes are afraid to support us for fear of angering the fearsome cowboy desecrators of all that is sacred. Mohammed: Cowards! After we drive the Western Crusaders from our beloved sand, we shall slaughter the collaborators like pigs! Ahmed: It is well to hear you speak so bravely! We are in need of such fearless men as yourself. On this, your first day of training, we will be teaching you how to fly a plane. Mohammed: Yes! I will be proud to martyr myself by toppling another of Satan's towers with one of their own airplanes! ULULULULULU! Ahmed: That's the spirit. Now, we used to have a 747 in Iraq to use for training. Sadly, it is now out of our hands. Uh… TEMPORARILY! Meanwhile, you will be using, uh… alterative training methods. Here… take this. Mohammed: A piece of paper? Ahmed: Yes. Now… fold it like this… and this… and back… and this part goes over here… no, the other way… yes… and one more… THERE! Mohammed: A paper airplane? Ahmed: We like to refer to it as a "budget-friendly training device". Now… imagine that you're piloting this… Mohammed: But I don't know how to fly a plane! Ahmed: Later, shahid, after we've untemporaried the 747… which will happen much sooner if you'll just SHUT THE F*** UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD BEFORE I BITCH-SLAP YOU WITH THIS KORAN! Mohammed: A thousand pardons! I defer to the painful-looking leather-bound wisdom of Allah! Ahmed: Better. Now... imagine that you're piloting this, and use it to destroy this scale model of the Empire Satan Building. Mohammed: It's just a pyramid made out of empty plastic cups. Ahmed: [bitch!][slap!] ARE YOU QUESTIONING ALLAH'S WILL? Mohammed: OW! No, no! I will fly as Allah directs! Ahmed: And make little airplane sounds while you do it… BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB! Mohammed: Air…airplane sounds? Ahmed: [raising the already spit- and blood-stained holy book] Koran 3:16 says MAKE THE DAMN SOUNDS! Mohammed: Yes! Yes!… uh… bpppprpprrprpbbbp… Ahmed: LOUDER! This is a 4 engine Boeing, not a damn Lawnboy! Put your lip into it, man! Mohammed: BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB! Ahmed: Better, better… now, DESTROY THE SYMBOLIC PENIS OF SATAN! Mohammed: BBBBBBPPPPPRRRRBBBB! […tap…][sound of empty plastic cups hitting the desert sand] Ahmed [raising Koran menacingly]: mmmm? Mohammed: uh… CRASH! BOOM! AIEEEEE! Ahmed: Excellent! Excellent! We'll make a martyr out of you yet. Mohammed: Yes! I can almost feel the 72 virgins promised by Allah caressing my tiny withered loins already! Ahmed: Uh… Mohammed… Mohammed: Yes? ([fantasizing] mmmm… that's right my sweet nymphs… fondle my mighty sewing needle… uh, SWORD!) Ahmed: About those 72 virgins… it seems the Americans have been slaughtering us like dogs lately, and… Mohammed [coming cloudily back to reality]: Hmmm… What? Ahmed: Uh… I mean... many, MANY brave martyrs have earned their promised reward in the last few months, and… well… we're a little short on virgins right now… Mohammed: I won't get 72? Ahmed: No, no… it's not that. You'll still get 72, except they're not quite virgins… Mohammed: Well, perhaps it IS better that they have a LITTLE experience in the ways of man-pleasure. 72 young, nubile… Ahmed: Uh… neither, actually. Mohammed: Slim? Flexible? Ahmed: Not so much… Mohammed: Just what will I be getting. Ahmed: 72 French whores. Mohammed: I've never been to France. What are the women like there? Ahmed: Hairy, snaggle-toothed, and they smell like ass. Mohammed: Ah! Then it will be just like making love with my sweet Fatima Ahmed: Your wife? Mohammed: My camel. Ahmed: Ah, yes. Nothing beats "bumping the hump". Mohammed: That's good enough for me. I'm in. Ahmed: Praise Allah!… Ali! We have another recruit! Take Mohammed out back for small arms training. Ali: Very good. [as they walk away] Now, take this stick, point it at that rock over there, and shout BANG! Ahmed: NEXT! Mohammed: I am Mohammed, and… Ahmed: awwwww CRAP!... SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! posted by Harvey at 7:05:03 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []  HOME

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