Sunday, July 13, 2003

It's also understanding, in all things, that it's not about assuming the loss or projecting the finding, but experiencing the moment. That either assuming the loss or projecting the finding represent an attachment to something other than the moment at hand. 3:42:38 PM

While I'm so bummed out that I my suppressed pain is giving me a huge migrain, even though it's still too raw, somehow, too primal, for me to grasp yet on the surface of my conciousness, as if that may bring complete collapse, there is a takeaway for me, which is both that love is patience and that love is not martyrdom. I think I get the dichotomy that I know from youth, simplified greatly - for mom, love is pursuit of the unattainable, the unavailable and love is suffering through that want. For my dad, love is persistent commitment, sainthood, turning the other cheek, in the face of constant anger, as if his marriage is some extension of his commitment to Chistdom. I may have lost her in paying closer attention to my needs, but I have a gained a better friend in myself, rather than just continuing to be stoic, living out, for some future vision of untainted love, the pain that ultimately patterns itself into a never attainable love, while I continue to look the other way in the present. Regardless of the outcome. As freaky as it was to uncover my apparently still available emotional shutdown mode. This was more growth. I just hope, regardless of the outcome, that we'll still be able to provide growth for one another, as my good friends continue to do for me. I may just be romanticizing. We'll see. It's kind of interesting that regardless as well some of her is so ingrained in me, except now, I'm even more concious of it being for myself. I actually gave Snack a bath today. I'm throwing away crap by the bag load. Whatever this is or was, it's been, and continues to be, life transforming in a very practical, future-self looking way. Which makes it hard to regret anything. My migraine feels better now. As if I've just given myself permission to be okay, to be filled with light. 3:22:16 PM