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Friday, February 13, 2004
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LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
(A FILTHY LIE)
I had just settled in for a quiet evening of blogging (or porn surfing,
depending on which room Beloved Wife was in), when the phone rang...
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Harv: AAAHHHH! Telemarketer!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Relax, currency freak, I'm just messin' with ya. It's just me, Evil Glenn:
Harv: Oh. That's not NEARLY as horrifying. Whaddya want, Puppy Blender?
Evil Glenn: I just called to gloat. I see the Alliance still hasn't
succeeded in toppling me from my perch high in the unreachable
stratosphere of the Ecosystem. You're SO pathetic.
Harv: And I see that you've been bumped down to #3 by a couple of no-talent script-kiddie hacker-wanna-bes.
Evil Glenn: Yes, *ahem*, well, you see, it's all part of my latest plan to... I mean... uh... I'm going to... um... YOU SHUT UP!
Harv: Anyway, why are you interrupting my mastur... uh, masterful blogging session?
Evil Glenn: Since the Alliance is powerless to stop me, I wanted to rub your nose in the fact that I'll soon be filthy rich.
Harv: By what foul means this time?
Evil Glenn: My Cayman Islands-based money-laundering front company,
Evil Glenn Industries, recently purchased a Hollywood movie studio, as
well as the rights to some VERY big name movies. I'm going to crank out
some re-makes and before you know it, I'll be rolling around naked in
piles of hundred dollar bills with my triple-action inflatable love
doll, all greasy with Wesson oil, and...
Harv: EWWWW! Can we just get to the point before my connection to www.bigfirmroundasses.com times out?
Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. AHEM...Ever since Thomas Edison first invented the movie projector, people
have sought the soul-stirring entertainment that only movies can provide. The first movies, although silent, were...
Harv: GET TO THE BLOODY POINT!
Evil Glenn: Fine. The Wizard of Oz.
Harv: Oh no. Toto!
Evil Glenn: Electric blenders hadn't been invented yet, but they DID
have egg beaters back then. That little dog ain't gonna make it out of
the basket this time. Heh.
Harv: You have no shame.
Evil Glenn: And did you ever notice that the Scarecrow looks like a
hobo? I tell ya, the Tin Woodsman's ax is gonna get a pretty good
workout.
Harv: You probably don't even have the decency to leave the flying monkeys alone.
Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm leaving those in. They make your Fearless Leader Frank J. wet himself in terror. Heh. Indeed.
Harv: I'll have to warn him not to see that one. What else ya got?
Evil Glenn: The Godfather. Man, talk about an offer you can't refuse.
Harv: Yeah, I saw some publicity stills from that one. Mookie still cries herself to sleep at night.
Evil Glenn: Ah, the sweet suffering of innocent children. How like the
finest wine is its intoxication... Which is why when I remake 101
Dalmations, Cruella's coat-making scene...
Harv: Dear God!
Evil Glenn: Oh, I can hear them now, "Mommy! Mommy! Make the bad woman put down the skinning knife!" MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: Dude, you need help.
Evil Glenn: Help? Funny you should mention that. I'm re-doing that one, too. Except this time the Beatles will be playing selections from... Boxcar Willie's King of the Hoboes!
Harv: NOOOOOOO!
Evil Glenn: Hold on tight, the torture's just starting. I'm also doing Fellowship of the Ring.
Harv: No puppies in that one, how bad can it be?
Evil Glenn: With Jar-Jar Binks as Frodo? "Meesa no wansa carry da ring
mista Gandalf! Sauron big nasty bad! Make Jar-Jar shakin' wit' da
scared!"
Harv: You monster!
Evil Glenn: You want monsters? How about Monsters, Inc.? Little Boo
gets blended to goo! Whirrrrrr! Chop! Chop! Chop! AIEEEEEE! Save me,
Sully! *gurgle*
Harv: I can't take any more!
Evil Glenn: More? As in Michael Moore? Guess who plays the hard-lovin' hillbilly in the new Deliverance? "You shore gotta pretty mouf. I'm gonna make you squeal like a fictitious pig!"
Harv: You vile, despicable, inhuman beast!
Evil Glenn: Oh, that reminds me – Beauty and the Beast. Lumiere accidentally sets the place on fire, and everyone dies screaming in unimaginable agony. Except for Chip.
Harv: You're actually gonna let Chip live?
Evil Glenn: Sort of. In my version, the character's name is Shatter, if that tells you anything.
Harv: Geez, Glenn, have you no heart at all?
Evil Glenn: I do have a sensitive side, so I'm also doing Yentl
Harv: Barbara Streisand's anti-Semitic lesbian atrocity? Hey, maybe
you're not so bad after all. How ya gonna fix this one? Does she fall
overboard & get eaten by sharks?
Evil Glenn: Harvey, Harvey… You've forgotten… I'm EVIL! And to prove
it, I'm going to re-make Yentl… EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ORIGINAL
VERSION! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: You're a bad, bad man, Glenn.
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Say, Harv…
Harv: Yeah?
Evil Glenn: Internet connection timed out yet?
Harv: What the? NOOOOOOO! My precious porn! You filthy, malevolent, subhuman bastard!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer [click]
Well, I hope you guys are happy. I got your stupid news on Glenn's
movie remakes. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go re-connect &
try to find that site… let's see… Google… big... ass... firm… what
the?… Microsoft? Wal-Mart? GE?… DAMMIT! What was…
Hey! Are you still here? Cripes! Would you let a guy have his privacy? I mean…
Huh?
Oh yeah… that.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:28:33 PM permalink HOME
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© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 6/24/2005; 6:24:39 PM.
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