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"The frightening power of Harvey's filthy lies makes me tremble like a Frenchman. I frequently wet myself in terror and... Oops... damn." - Glenn Reynolds

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	Thursday, February 26, 2004

EVIL GLENN'S AWARDS (A FILTHY LIE) Google as I might, I couldn't find any information on awards that the Puppy Blender might have won, so I decided to call him and ask him directly. I cleverly disguised my true identity... [ring... ring] Evil Glenn: You are puny and weak! You will die a horrible bloody death at the hands of my foul minions! I will destroy all that you love! Bow down before your new master! MUAHAHAHAHA! This is Glenn, may I help you? Harv: Yes, I'm from Evil Overlords Illustrated, and... Evil Glenn: Wow! EOI! Hey, I LOVED your last swimsuit issue! How did you ever get Saddam Hussein into a Wicked Weasel Bikini? Talk about not safe for work! Harv: Yes, well, shoehorns & a tub of Parkay can work miracles, but the reason I'm calling, Mr. Reynolds is that I'd like to interview you for our next issue. We're doing piece called "Cute Animals: America's Pestilence", and since your work with puppies is legendary, I wanted to get some quotes. You know - how their death-screams are like a Mozart concerto or some poetic crap like that. Evil Glenn: More like Bach, but I take your meaning. Ask me anything, Mr... what did you say your name was? Harv [reminding myself to give a fake name]: Harvey... DOH! Damn! Now my cover's blown! Evil Glenn: I'm sorry, I was mixing up some Poodleberry punch. What was that? Harv [thinking a little faster this time]: Uh, ORVEY! [ok, not MUCH faster]... and I said "oh man, this cover's your own". You won't have to share this issue's cover with anyone. Evil Glenn: Orvey, huh?... That a Russian name? Harv: Uh... Da. Evil Glenn: Well, Orv, here's my story. I was born a poor black child... Harv: Mr Reynolds... Evil Glenn: WHAT? Harv: This is for your fellow defilers of all that is good and pure, not some stupid Alliance Filthy Lie assignment. Save the BS for the Kerry sexual harrassment deposition. Evil Glenn: Sorry. Force of habit. Lawyer, you know. Harv: All too aware. Now let's get a little background on your past accomplishments, and... Evil Glenn: When I was 12, I stuffed a French mime into a flaming trash barrel. Found out Marcel Marceau could talk after all. Or at least scream. Harv: Mr. Reynolds... Evil Glenn: WHAT? It's true! Harv: Yes, but hardly evil. You got a Congressional Medal of Honor for that one, as I recall. Look, if you're not going to cooperate, I can get someone else. Castro's been bugging the crap out of me for weeks, just begging for some ink. Keeps going on and on about this great kitten salsa recipe he's worked up, and... Evil Glenn:  Not Castro! He's the worst! Harv: I thought you liked commies? Evil Glenn: I do, but I'm more of a Mao man. Castro's such a tit by comparison. Little pussy's barely even got a dozen nukes, and... oops - wasn't supposed to mention that. This is off the record, right? Harv: Totally. Anyway, let's get back on track here. What sort of evil awards have you won? Evil Glenn: Well, there was that award from the Girl Scouts for selling the most cookies... Harv: I said EVIL! Evil Glenn: Ricin Mints & Ebola Delites. Harv: Oh, you were with Hillary's troop. I stand corrected. What else? Evil Glenn: Blackwell's Worst Dressed - Socks & Sandals Division. Birkenstocks & knee-high whites. You know the kind I mean? The ones with the frilly dingles hanging off the top? Harv: My inner queer eye has never felt so violated. Go on. Evil Glenn: There was that award I got for helping the homeless... Harv: Gladys, get me Castro on line 2... Evil Glenn: No! Wait! Let me finish! I got it for helping the homeless into the next life! Slice & Dice magazine even did a huge piece on my filleting technique! Harv: Never mind, Gladys… Yeah, I remember that one. Heh. Those hobos looked like Picasso paintings. What a splatterfest! Intestines everywhere… and that "third eye" thing was a nice touch. Keep going. Evil Glenn: The Trial Lawyers' Association Shyster of the Year Award for 12 years running. Harv: Gladys, call Castro back… Evil Glenn: WHAT? The TLA is the epitome of evil! Harv: Yes, but there are certain limits to even our readership's depravity. I think we'd best not mention this one. Evil Glenn: Ok, skip it. Can I at least mention that I won the Second Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence? Harv: Hmmm… and you received that for…? Evil Glenn: Chernobyl didn't melt itself down, you know. Harv: Ex-cellent. Evil Glenn: Indeed. And there was my work at Jerry Lewis's last Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon. Harv: Thanks, Gladys. Hello?… Fidel?… Evil Glenn: Geez, Orvey! You have the patience of an espressoed ferret! Look… one of my lesser-known hobbies is steamrollering cripples in parking lots just to hear the sound of the their wheelchair spokes breaking. Talk about MUSIC! If puppy screams are Bach, then that PING! PING! PING! is lovely, lovely Ludwig Van. Harv: Ah, sweet Ultra-Violence. Anything else? Evil Glenn: Yeah. My "Most Annoying Right-of-Center Blog of 2003" Award. Harv: Ok, Glenn, that does it. I'm hanging up. Evil Glenn: But WHY? Harv: I'm sick of you trying to bullshit me like I'm some sort of OJ juror! EVERYONE knows that Misha got that award! Evil Glenn: He STOLE that award! Do you have ANY idea how F****** annoying I am? With my "Hmmm" this, and my "Heh" that, and my "Indeed" every-damn-other-thing? I'm so irritating people break out in hives at the mere sight of my stupid sparking-antenna logo! It's not MY fault that my readers are too illiterate to read more than the three words I use! Hell, half of 'em send me hate mail for using a word with a second syllable! You should see my inbox! If I had a nickel for every "BIG WORD HARD MAKE BRAIN HURT" subject line, I'd be Bill freakin' Gates! DAMN that insolent puppy and his brilliantly intelligent readership! Damn him all to HELL! I should've blended him YEARS ago! Harv: So… no award, then? Evil Glenn: YOU SHUT UP! I'LL MURDER YOU DEAD! Harv: Glenn, two things… Evil Glenn: DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Harv: First, we're having a phone conversation, and I'm a thousand miles away from you, thus just beyond arm's reach. Evil Glenn: …dead? Harv: Second… I LIED! I'm NOT Orvey of Evil Overlords Illustrated. I'm Harvey of Bad Money, and this IS a Filthy Lie assignment. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Evil Glenn: NOOOOO! MURDER! DEATH! KILL! TORTURE! MAYHEM! SLAUGHTER! DIE! DIE! D… wait a minute… does this mean I'm not going to make the cover of EOI? Harv: Not as such, no. Evil Glenn: … but Castro won't be on it either, right? Harv: Well, no. Evil Glenn: Eh. Ok. No problem, then. See you in hell, Currency Freak. [click] Harv: What a cocky, pompous, overbearing asshole. [ring] Harv: Hello? Evil Glenn: LAWYER! MUAHAHAHAHA! [click] Oh, you'll pay for that one, Glenn. You. Will. Pay. INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST! posted by Harvey at 6:12:39 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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