CONFESSIONS
(A FILTHY LIE)
So, I was rooting around in the confessional, looking for spare change, when Evil Glenn stepped into the adjoining booth. Not being Catholic, I faked it as best I could and learned yet another horrifying lie…
Evil Glenn: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 1 hour since my last confession, and… oh boy, this is bad.
Harv: Puppy blending again?
Evil Glenn: Just one of those nasty, yippy little ankle-biters.
Harv: Ok, not a problem. Hobo-whackin’?
Evil Glenn: He was French.
Harv: A service to humanity. Satan worshiping?
Evil Glenn: Black Mass isn’t until later tonight, so, technically, no.
Harv: Punch Frank J.?
Evil Glenn: More of a sissy-slap, really.
Harv: Well, that last Frank Answers wasn’t quite up to snuff, so we’ll let it slide. Penguin Porn?
Evil Glenn: Oh yeah… forgot about that one.
Harv: 100 Our Fathers
Evil Glenn: I usually get 5. It’s not like I'm getting all Troy McClure with fish, or anything.
Harv: 50
Evil Glenn: 10
Harv: 20, and you have to wax the pulpit.
Evil Glenn: Hey! I don’t swing that way!
Harv: I meant it literally.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Ok, deal.
Harv: Well, what did you do?
Evil Glenn: I parked in a handicapped stall at the supermarket.
Harv: Well, that’s more of a DMV thing. Not really the church’s jurisdiction…
Evil Glenn: I was driving a steamroller.
Harv: Let me check… [flip, flip, flip]… Hmmm… lying, stealing, coveting,… nothing in here about operating heavy equipment. You weren’t taking any medication that could make you drowsy, were you?
Evil Glenn: Well, no…
Harv: Alrighty then. Nothing to cause omnipotent wrath here.
Evil Glenn: The stall wasn’t empty.
Harv: You crushed a cripple?
Evil Glenn: I was only gonna be in the store for half an hour! Besides, I thought it would be fun, in a Road Runnery sort of way. It was a lot redder and gooier than I expected.
Harv: You are a vile, despicable man. However, I believe God’s infinite forgiveness can…
Evil Glenn: The second one was even worse.
Harv: Second…
Evil Glenn: But after that, it got better. The spokes snapping on the wheelchairs sounded kinda like windchimes. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle! So musical. Indeed.
Harv: Go! Befoul this holy sanctum no more!
Evil Glenn: Fine. You are such an asshole.
Harv: And 10 Hail Mary’s for swearing!
Evil Glenn: 3
Harv: GET! OUT!
Evil Glenn: Hmph! Persnickety Catholics. I knew I shoulda stuck with the Amish.
…So there you have it. Evil Glenn steamrollers cripples just to hear the music of snapping wheelchair spokes. This madness must be stopped!
Instapundo Delenda Est!
Update 9-9-03: Actually, Frank Answers was perfectly snuffy, but I had to keep Evil Glenn from discovering my Alliance affiliation as I endeavored to uncover his darkest secret.
posted by Harvey at 9:47:12 PM permalink HOME
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